3rd October~such a long time

i hadn't realised how long it had been since i wrote this blog maybe its because i have other one i am require to write each day that poor satin gets forgotten, which is wrong because i should be adding here as well as this is my site where i can spill all that is right and wrong with me.
so hows it all going we are coming to the year anniversary of my stroke and over the last few days, you get to thinking about this and that, some the upside, some the down, you know how it is.
You can't always be up, and i still sometimes have those "why me?" moments, but they don't seem to last long. However, i would like to take the time to let you dear readers know how i think i'm progressing, so here we go.
The Leg and my walk: is kind of "not too bad"; i feel i still look like a thunderbird puppet, but Sarah says i look like i've just hurt my ankle. Talking of Sarah, she has gone off to university but will be returning home most weekends to watch over her poor old mam !! as she isn't that far away really.
Arm and hand: Nothing, not a flicker, so its about adaptation. learning to do all the daily things with the one good one i've got which is my right hand. Thank goodness i am right handed. Some things i can do; some zips do up really easily while some are buggers. Bra? forget it.. help required! There are ways around most things: i've learnt how to peel potatoes one handed, i use a drawer to wedge things in to open bottles and to pull can ring-pulls. There are obviously some things i don't have a chance with, but i have my family around to help me. Food i cant cut up.. so im a bit of a baby at meal times, also i still make a mess of my face but that's because the left side of my mouth/face is still a bit numb sometimes, and i cant always feel if my mouth is closed.

I've noticed this week (and the ladies will understand this) i cant roll my lips around when applying lipstick; a silly thing but one that is noticeable to me. Other than that, life goes on, we have got the Nissan X-Trail now and my scooter of course. Next stop is to get my driving assessed so i can drive myself: not that i am all fired up to do that, just that it might be needed so it's something to get sorted sooner rather than later.

Been doing the walking on treadmill. I have to ask James when i see him in October why i can walk great on the treadmill, but get off and I'm a puppet again. I am also trying to build up the muscle in my upper leg and strengthen my knees which due to lack of use are getting stiff. i don't bend my left knee because at present the ankle doesn't flex at all so i move my leg from my hip: hard to explain really, but this is what creates the puppet-like movement. There are days when i feel the walk flows a bit better and others when it doesn't. Apart from all that i'm fine; life could be better, but it could be far far worse. Be thankful for small mercies, is what i say.
Regarding our M/s, we move onward always.. a small step at a time but none the less still froward. never back, i do all i can do to be a good slave, i still make mistake even after 5 years.. MG still has to correct me often but it what we do and neither of us would wish it any other way.
cleo.

slave Bells

A row of silver slave bells attached to a silver chain by little O-rings, this elegant and sexy anklet is worn low on the ankle and adds a dazzling highlight to any foot. It has a small hook and O-ring clasp and is adjustable up to 11".
i have my collar which i never take off as it can be worn as a normal item of jewellery and is only known to lifestyle folk its real meaning but my new bells. i am happy to tell when ask what jingles i proudly say my slave bells. altho many would not understand why i feel the need for more outward signs of my place, it is something i like as does MG. i find that i am always having to explain in some fashion or other why we do what we do, why can people not just accept. anyone one would think we had two heads or something are we so odd, i dont think so

slave contract

After the handfasting, wedding the only thing left undone was the slavery contract, which we have now completed after a long time in finding the words that are right for us.
It can be viewed here

Contract

A change of attitude as for a long time slavery was not the direction we were ever thinking of going but it now seems a natrual course and altho i have been slave for quite a while the contract wasnt something to write up over night. so we have though a lot about it, until now when it is complete.

There is a saying

There is a saying in Tibetan,
"Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength."
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is,
if we lose our hope, that's our real disaster.

-His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama
Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the
boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch,
taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the
last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.

Need to submit..all over again

For some reason of late i have had this huge desire to submit and submit deeply.. i have this urge desire whatever you wanna call it to be slave again, little things that i can do become hugely important to me, my problem is that no one else seems to see this and other than saying it out loud.. look at me, im ready to be Your slave again. im not sure how to make my point that i am so so ready to take up where i left off. Master has said this last week that the fragility has past and he is right i want .. so badly. i need to be Dommed again..but it isn’t in my nature to ask and even if it were MG has to be on the same wave length as i am and im not sure He is quite yet. We are taking thing up but it just not fast enough for me, however even that is good because i am having to submit to Master’s snails pace and wait.. Waiting isn’t a game i am very good at.. i am a "want it and want it now" kinda person but i am also aware that patience isnt a strong suit of mine and if i have to be told to wait in Master time. i will get there.. i am in some small way submitting and i need even the smallest amount right now. i feel i am starving for submission, it has been quite a while as following my ill health Master has been (naturally) reluctant to go too deep into our M/sand i have been allowed to relax so much into a state of non slave.. now i feel its time to get back to where we were before all this, is that topping i wonder.. i guess it might be.. slave wants.. hey isn’t it meant to be Master who decides.. Best i just sit quietly and wait until my Master is ready.

Fate or Destiny?

i have to say here and now, dont get me wrong, it not about "a higher power" or anything like that, but i had a realisation this last few days regarding my situation. It goes something like this:i am not anything special; i may be an inspiration to some (so i am told) but believe me, i certainly am not anything special, i just try to make the best of what i have, for me and mine.However i have thought recently that maybe, as i have often experienced in other situations in my life, that the stroke was some kind of fate or my destiny. i was never going to die, i didn't come anywhere near dying because it wasnt my time. So, i am meant to be here for some reason. Never in my muddled life has anything happened to me that hasnt had some kind of silver lining. i recall in the early days of recovery i tried to find what that silver lining was, i couldnt see it then, now maybe i am thinking and ill be really frank here; if the roles had been reversed, had the stroke happened to MG and not me, my family might have suffered far more. i would have really struggled to cope with not only MG being ill but all the other effects now so i am disabled but i am alive to give to mine what i can, maybe MG and i would still be only planning our wedding had we not had the incentive to do something about it.My girls have learned a valuable lesson here too: that life can be tough and to fend for themselves a little more than they knew before. My Sarah can cook most things now which she couldn't before and wash and iron as good as any housewife. Hannah has gained patience, and understands that she isnt due anything free , that life itself isn't a free ride.Having said all that and if i am destined to be in this situation, it also follows that if the hand/arm is meant to regain some movement it will. Of course that doesn't mean i am going to stop with the work or the effort i have to put in daily to continue that improvement; as i said: "nothing in life is free".Nothing in my life has ever been free, so i'll continue with my daily struggle to regain control of my body as a whole, but my vision is altered; no longer do i think "why me?" or how bad things are. Now i look for that silver lining that i am sure is there. i am happy again with myself, with life, and with who i am. Sure if i had the chance to do without the disability i would, but i also think what might have been the cost to others of that and would it be worth it? to not be in this current situation. Who knows ?If I hadn't had the stroke and someone else had that doesnt mean they too wouldnt have coped: sure they would, differently maybe, but it was my turn and right now i am happy with my lot in life. It has never been average, i wasnt meant to have an average life. Do take care people. Life is too short and too precious, so look to tomorrow rather than what might have been before.Tomorrow is a new adventure, grasp it with both hands.

What i can and what i cannot do..

Here's a thought. it was pointed out to me that i should be pleased with myself in what i can achieve.. i added that that was a lot of my problem these days.i dont see what i can do.. i see what i cant.... example, the lawn needed mowing. i helped sarah but it wasnt as good as i have done in the past... so i see it as a backward effort... not that its an achievement more that i cannot do it as ionce did, that also applies to my M/s, its about what we once had, and what little we have left, i know i should try looking at it and be pleased with where we can still go and in time i am sure i will do that.right now, i pine for what once was, i cant help it, i so feel the loss of many aspects of my life... but thats enough of that i said i dont intend this to become an extension of the recovery blog.

I'm still kicking

haven’t wanted to write here for some time now, i guess because i didn’t want this blog to become an extension of the Road to recovery blog or stroke base as this is my M/s placed... that too has sorta been a bit off the track as well and therefore i had not very much to write about, other than my lack of ability to be the slave i once was, or wish to be. but as has been rightly said submission isn’t just physical so, time moves on, as do we all, life continues at a pace, albeit mine at considerably slower than it was, but altho different, we still retain the M/s, i still submit to Master’s wishes, but, now maybe his wishes have altered, as they tend to be more for my benefit than his, but we are a team, husband/wife.. Master/slave, however one wishes to see the relationship. things change, move on, but we are still us, we still desire to be M/s, its in our heart, so we remain, i try to do what i can, within my rehab Master has a firm grip on me and if nothing else, knows how to extend my limits for my own good, altho maybe not the limits he has pushed before, but limits none the less and of course as i am pushed, i achieve more each day and get better as i develop ways to improve my lot in life, i adapt, my skills as i need to adapt my M/s, only time will tell, how well i am doing, but happy as happy as i can be, i pine for what is lost... but it is lost so we must move forward, continue with what we have and make the best of things.

Stroke survivors often lose emotional control. At times we experience uncontrollable laughter suddenly to start to cry for no obvious reason. Sometimes it is depression that we may feel following the abrupt change in our lives. But often it is due to brain injury and not directly connected with depression. People who are a part of a stroke survivors life often assume when a stroke survivor is laughing they are happy or if they are crying they are sad. This is a mistake. It is inspiring to read stories, but also important to point out that some days you can just sit and cry for no reason at all and those days are just as important to your road to recovery, as the days you will spend laughing.

Darkest moments

The darkest moments of our lives are not to be buried and forgotten, rather they are a memory to be called upon for inspiration to remind us of the unrelenting human spirit and our capacity to overcome the intolerable i will survive.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. i'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that i loved . You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your life as it is for your lovers. Your lifestyle is going to fill a large part of your days and time, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to live what you believe is a great way of life. And the only way is to love what you do and how you are. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.
If you put your mind to it and you believe it, you can achieve it. You
cannot give up -- even if the road is a tough road.

my Husband and i

The meaning of life is the day- to-day living of it.

i sit at the pc a lot lately yet i have little desire to write in my blog..i avidly read Master's blog "diary of a stroke" but actually writing myself or doing more to my site hold little interest for me right now, maybe in time i will pick them up again, who knows. the wedding looms 14th Feb.. all is ready , the handfasting is coming along fine and will be a day to remember 21st June i am looking forward more to the June date than the Feb one not sure why.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> The dress>>>>>... i am not into frills aqnd i am a bride who gets to wear her wedding dress twice and this style is more suitable for the handfasting soon i will not only be slave to MG but his wife...i am positive about the future. Life is a different challenge now .i am looking forward to the experience. The meaning of life is the day- to-day living of it. You only get one chance for each 24 hours.

How may i better serve You . Master

whatever happened to my trust and faith. did i loose that when i had this stroke, where has all this doubt come from i wonder or is it fears. yes i have fears but the fear i am talking about should be long gone , why should these fear haunt me as they do right now. i love my Master beyond life itelf and i know he loves me. so banish doubts slave, serve your Master as only you can do. and as he wants you too,brush fear aside and stand tall and proud of who you are: slave to MG now and alway.. so some thing have to be approach differently for a while but that doesnt change who you are serve your Master as best you can see to his needs as he see's to yours. the family is everything

get a grip

how could i be so selfish and not consider my Master and children in my own dispair, thinking only about me..."oh wow is me"...well its time i thought about others ,anyway self pity will not help..grow up woman.. get a grip. they give everything and i just make it harder for them that isnt right. My Master and my kids have their own trauma and demons to deal with they dont need me making this any harder.And still thy give:-
To my cleo: I love you, and will do anything in my power to help you get better. Whatever it takes, I will do. We are the best team there is, and our strength lies in our love for each other. Take that love and harness it, use it for whatever you need. I will be there, whether it takes a week, a month a year or the rest of our lives.
extract from diary of a stroke by MG
time i considered them in all this it has had a fundamental affect on them all as well as me.. ok so i am the one whom has to cope with the obvious result the bit we can all see, their trauma is hidden but is still as damaging,i am resolvedto be a bit mor considerate from now on..!!!stop making this harder than it already is for any of us.

Jack and Gill went up the hill

well in this case Gill would keep trying to climb the hill independently of Jack and there are going to be time when Gill falls down. i have fallen twice now on both occasions i was unharmed other than fear and on both occasions i was in our bedroom without any shoes on. lesson learnt. the carpet in our bedroom is slippery.
i have to try i am going to fall, what i have to do is try to see that i am unharmed so that i am able to get right back up and try again. i will not spend the rest of my life sitting down. i will walk again.MG says i have courage. i am not so sure. right now i am ready to admit i am scared of life but i am also scared of the alternative. silly reallly 2 month ago life was a breeze. Now like a child i have to learn all the things we take for granted, like walking and like a child i am going to fall i just have to learn from that experience, my advantage is that unlike a child i have the intelligence to know that i need to learn from my mistake. how many time have we all said, "if i knew then what i know now", well i have the chance to redo a lot of thing, i don’t want to make them better i was very happy with the walk i had, in fact i was proud of my walk,i just want it back as it was, i watch people walk down the street, young, old and wonder if people really appreciate the way their bodies carries them around with such ease, i have to admit that i certainly didn’t, i jumped into the car like most people, never gave a thought to the way we as human walk on two legs now i do, when it too late, but i shall get back the ability i have promised myself, my children my Master that i will return to my former self in time, be patience with me..

Popups

I'd like to take an opportunity to apologize to all of my readers for the annoying popup's that have been happening on my blog over the past few weeks. These were not my doing.When I started this blog a year or so ago, I put a Nedstat Basic counter on it to keep track of my site usage statistics. This worked well, and I found it to be a good service. A few weeks ago, I got an email telling me that Nedstat had been sold to another company and was being rebranded as Webstats4U, and the site had a new look and feel. Unfortunately, it seems this was not the only change to the service.Over the past couple of weeks, I noticed popup's when I visited certain blog's (including my own blog) and was starting to worry my computer had become infected with spy ware. Then, today, I did a bit of research and found that these popup's were being generated by Webstats4U. Here is an article that gives all of the background on it.I hate popups, and will not condone them on my blog. meter is removed hopefully along with the popups
regards cleo

happy valentines day

Well, today we just have one little thing to tell everyone. We have set the date for our wedding! It's booked: 14th February, Valentine's day. Call us mad, or silly, or whatever you want, but that was a date that just happened to come up, and so, we did it.Now, theres much organising to do for a wedding in 5 weeks time, although we have decided to make the registry office ceremony a family affair only, with a couple of friends as witnesses and close family only. Our plan is that we shall have a much larger ceremony in June, which will be a handfasting ceremony. This ceremony is more in keeping with our choices compared to the modern day marriage ceremony, although of course to be legally married we must do that too, hence both ceremonies.Physio again today and James worked hard on my arm and hand, trying to get the various muscle groups in the arm/shoulder/hand area to "fire" voluntarily. What this means is that with stimulation, such as tapping, or touching or manipulation these muscles will work, but as yet i does not have voluntary control of them, i.e. i cannot yet "remember" how to make them work. Tomorrow James is going to try some electrical stimulation of the leg and arms, and see what comes of that.It's still quite early on in the average recovery time which is thought to be about 90 days, and so we have high hopes of getting something in the arm before then.i has also decide i am not getting married in a wheelchair, so I am sure that target is the main one now. 5 weeks for me to get up onto my feet and be standing and even walking on my own so the wheelchair is not seen on 14th February!I have every faith that i will do it.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger

My MSN profile which was written some 5 years ago read as follows :
Occupation Mum and 24/7 slave

A Little About Me
24/7 slave to my MG, willing to serve him in every way, always... he is my life.
Favorite Things
You have to make the most of every day, always look forward and learn from the good and the bad things that happen.My Master.24/7. TPE

We must not let the negative rule our lives.that which does not kill us makes us stronger.Favorite Quote
"This above all: To thine own self be true. And it must follow as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man"William Shakespeare (1564-1616).
now in 2006 i have to add "Stroke victim November2005".. but it didnt kill me so i will make myself stronger in adversity Tosee progress of my Road to Recovery go to www. http://diaryofastroke.blogspot.com

the new year 2006

it time to take stock and beging afresh.. a new page in my life... not a retrograde step just a time to grow as me once again..peel off the old coat get in the fashion.. today i made a decision.. all the time people do for me i will never do for myself again..so to my family who i know only have my best at heart..you must let me try.. i may fall.. but i know you will all be there if i do.. and wipe away the tears i cry...for which i shall be eternally gratefull.but i have to stand on my own two feet literally or i never will and i so wish to be mother to my children again and slave to my Master, with this in mind i walked across the physio gym this afternoon unaided..at home later i walked across our kitchen.. my sarah cried to watch me...good crying she said just to see her mum stand upright unaided i think..that there is still some resembalance of past time left and that sarah can see maybe a light at the end of her tunnel..as she has stepped up to the plate and into my shoes poor thing has worked so hard to keep thing on an even keel lately..so itwas time i gave her a break tonight..and prepared dinner myself..i cannot move carrying things that has still to come but it will but i can do my bit and i intend to from now on..this isnt going to make me a useless bag of lard..no way no how