What i can and what i cannot do..

Here's a thought. it was pointed out to me that i should be pleased with myself in what i can achieve.. i added that that was a lot of my problem these days.i dont see what i can do.. i see what i cant.... example, the lawn needed mowing. i helped sarah but it wasnt as good as i have done in the past... so i see it as a backward effort... not that its an achievement more that i cannot do it as ionce did, that also applies to my M/s, its about what we once had, and what little we have left, i know i should try looking at it and be pleased with where we can still go and in time i am sure i will do that.right now, i pine for what once was, i cant help it, i so feel the loss of many aspects of my life... but thats enough of that i said i dont intend this to become an extension of the recovery blog.

I'm still kicking

haven’t wanted to write here for some time now, i guess because i didn’t want this blog to become an extension of the Road to recovery blog or stroke base as this is my M/s placed... that too has sorta been a bit off the track as well and therefore i had not very much to write about, other than my lack of ability to be the slave i once was, or wish to be. but as has been rightly said submission isn’t just physical so, time moves on, as do we all, life continues at a pace, albeit mine at considerably slower than it was, but altho different, we still retain the M/s, i still submit to Master’s wishes, but, now maybe his wishes have altered, as they tend to be more for my benefit than his, but we are a team, husband/wife.. Master/slave, however one wishes to see the relationship. things change, move on, but we are still us, we still desire to be M/s, its in our heart, so we remain, i try to do what i can, within my rehab Master has a firm grip on me and if nothing else, knows how to extend my limits for my own good, altho maybe not the limits he has pushed before, but limits none the less and of course as i am pushed, i achieve more each day and get better as i develop ways to improve my lot in life, i adapt, my skills as i need to adapt my M/s, only time will tell, how well i am doing, but happy as happy as i can be, i pine for what is lost... but it is lost so we must move forward, continue with what we have and make the best of things.

Stroke survivors often lose emotional control. At times we experience uncontrollable laughter suddenly to start to cry for no obvious reason. Sometimes it is depression that we may feel following the abrupt change in our lives. But often it is due to brain injury and not directly connected with depression. People who are a part of a stroke survivors life often assume when a stroke survivor is laughing they are happy or if they are crying they are sad. This is a mistake. It is inspiring to read stories, but also important to point out that some days you can just sit and cry for no reason at all and those days are just as important to your road to recovery, as the days you will spend laughing.

Darkest moments

The darkest moments of our lives are not to be buried and forgotten, rather they are a memory to be called upon for inspiration to remind us of the unrelenting human spirit and our capacity to overcome the intolerable i will survive.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. i'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that i loved . You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your life as it is for your lovers. Your lifestyle is going to fill a large part of your days and time, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to live what you believe is a great way of life. And the only way is to love what you do and how you are. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.
If you put your mind to it and you believe it, you can achieve it. You
cannot give up -- even if the road is a tough road.

my Husband and i

The meaning of life is the day- to-day living of it.

i sit at the pc a lot lately yet i have little desire to write in my blog..i avidly read Master's blog "diary of a stroke" but actually writing myself or doing more to my site hold little interest for me right now, maybe in time i will pick them up again, who knows. the wedding looms 14th Feb.. all is ready , the handfasting is coming along fine and will be a day to remember 21st June i am looking forward more to the June date than the Feb one not sure why.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> The dress>>>>>... i am not into frills aqnd i am a bride who gets to wear her wedding dress twice and this style is more suitable for the handfasting soon i will not only be slave to MG but his wife...i am positive about the future. Life is a different challenge now .i am looking forward to the experience. The meaning of life is the day- to-day living of it. You only get one chance for each 24 hours.

How may i better serve You . Master

whatever happened to my trust and faith. did i loose that when i had this stroke, where has all this doubt come from i wonder or is it fears. yes i have fears but the fear i am talking about should be long gone , why should these fear haunt me as they do right now. i love my Master beyond life itelf and i know he loves me. so banish doubts slave, serve your Master as only you can do. and as he wants you too,brush fear aside and stand tall and proud of who you are: slave to MG now and alway.. so some thing have to be approach differently for a while but that doesnt change who you are serve your Master as best you can see to his needs as he see's to yours. the family is everything

get a grip

how could i be so selfish and not consider my Master and children in my own dispair, thinking only about me..."oh wow is me"...well its time i thought about others ,anyway self pity will not help..grow up woman.. get a grip. they give everything and i just make it harder for them that isnt right. My Master and my kids have their own trauma and demons to deal with they dont need me making this any harder.And still thy give:-
To my cleo: I love you, and will do anything in my power to help you get better. Whatever it takes, I will do. We are the best team there is, and our strength lies in our love for each other. Take that love and harness it, use it for whatever you need. I will be there, whether it takes a week, a month a year or the rest of our lives.
extract from diary of a stroke by MG
time i considered them in all this it has had a fundamental affect on them all as well as me.. ok so i am the one whom has to cope with the obvious result the bit we can all see, their trauma is hidden but is still as damaging,i am resolvedto be a bit mor considerate from now on..!!!stop making this harder than it already is for any of us.

Jack and Gill went up the hill

well in this case Gill would keep trying to climb the hill independently of Jack and there are going to be time when Gill falls down. i have fallen twice now on both occasions i was unharmed other than fear and on both occasions i was in our bedroom without any shoes on. lesson learnt. the carpet in our bedroom is slippery.
i have to try i am going to fall, what i have to do is try to see that i am unharmed so that i am able to get right back up and try again. i will not spend the rest of my life sitting down. i will walk again.MG says i have courage. i am not so sure. right now i am ready to admit i am scared of life but i am also scared of the alternative. silly reallly 2 month ago life was a breeze. Now like a child i have to learn all the things we take for granted, like walking and like a child i am going to fall i just have to learn from that experience, my advantage is that unlike a child i have the intelligence to know that i need to learn from my mistake. how many time have we all said, "if i knew then what i know now", well i have the chance to redo a lot of thing, i don’t want to make them better i was very happy with the walk i had, in fact i was proud of my walk,i just want it back as it was, i watch people walk down the street, young, old and wonder if people really appreciate the way their bodies carries them around with such ease, i have to admit that i certainly didn’t, i jumped into the car like most people, never gave a thought to the way we as human walk on two legs now i do, when it too late, but i shall get back the ability i have promised myself, my children my Master that i will return to my former self in time, be patience with me..

Popups

I'd like to take an opportunity to apologize to all of my readers for the annoying popup's that have been happening on my blog over the past few weeks. These were not my doing.When I started this blog a year or so ago, I put a Nedstat Basic counter on it to keep track of my site usage statistics. This worked well, and I found it to be a good service. A few weeks ago, I got an email telling me that Nedstat had been sold to another company and was being rebranded as Webstats4U, and the site had a new look and feel. Unfortunately, it seems this was not the only change to the service.Over the past couple of weeks, I noticed popup's when I visited certain blog's (including my own blog) and was starting to worry my computer had become infected with spy ware. Then, today, I did a bit of research and found that these popup's were being generated by Webstats4U. Here is an article that gives all of the background on it.I hate popups, and will not condone them on my blog. meter is removed hopefully along with the popups
regards cleo

happy valentines day

Well, today we just have one little thing to tell everyone. We have set the date for our wedding! It's booked: 14th February, Valentine's day. Call us mad, or silly, or whatever you want, but that was a date that just happened to come up, and so, we did it.Now, theres much organising to do for a wedding in 5 weeks time, although we have decided to make the registry office ceremony a family affair only, with a couple of friends as witnesses and close family only. Our plan is that we shall have a much larger ceremony in June, which will be a handfasting ceremony. This ceremony is more in keeping with our choices compared to the modern day marriage ceremony, although of course to be legally married we must do that too, hence both ceremonies.Physio again today and James worked hard on my arm and hand, trying to get the various muscle groups in the arm/shoulder/hand area to "fire" voluntarily. What this means is that with stimulation, such as tapping, or touching or manipulation these muscles will work, but as yet i does not have voluntary control of them, i.e. i cannot yet "remember" how to make them work. Tomorrow James is going to try some electrical stimulation of the leg and arms, and see what comes of that.It's still quite early on in the average recovery time which is thought to be about 90 days, and so we have high hopes of getting something in the arm before then.i has also decide i am not getting married in a wheelchair, so I am sure that target is the main one now. 5 weeks for me to get up onto my feet and be standing and even walking on my own so the wheelchair is not seen on 14th February!I have every faith that i will do it.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger

My MSN profile which was written some 5 years ago read as follows :
Occupation Mum and 24/7 slave

A Little About Me
24/7 slave to my MG, willing to serve him in every way, always... he is my life.
Favorite Things
You have to make the most of every day, always look forward and learn from the good and the bad things that happen.My Master.24/7. TPE

We must not let the negative rule our lives.that which does not kill us makes us stronger.Favorite Quote
"This above all: To thine own self be true. And it must follow as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man"William Shakespeare (1564-1616).
now in 2006 i have to add "Stroke victim November2005".. but it didnt kill me so i will make myself stronger in adversity Tosee progress of my Road to Recovery go to www. http://diaryofastroke.blogspot.com

the new year 2006

it time to take stock and beging afresh.. a new page in my life... not a retrograde step just a time to grow as me once again..peel off the old coat get in the fashion.. today i made a decision.. all the time people do for me i will never do for myself again..so to my family who i know only have my best at heart..you must let me try.. i may fall.. but i know you will all be there if i do.. and wipe away the tears i cry...for which i shall be eternally gratefull.but i have to stand on my own two feet literally or i never will and i so wish to be mother to my children again and slave to my Master, with this in mind i walked across the physio gym this afternoon unaided..at home later i walked across our kitchen.. my sarah cried to watch me...good crying she said just to see her mum stand upright unaided i think..that there is still some resembalance of past time left and that sarah can see maybe a light at the end of her tunnel..as she has stepped up to the plate and into my shoes poor thing has worked so hard to keep thing on an even keel lately..so itwas time i gave her a break tonight..and prepared dinner myself..i cannot move carrying things that has still to come but it will but i can do my bit and i intend to from now on..this isnt going to make me a useless bag of lard..no way no how

Eat my own words

Looking back over my last few entries. i guess i was in need of some changes and boy did i get them. pieces missing, change is as good as a rest...etc etc. well thing has certainly changed but now i sit and desire earlier timeslol. one step sat a time (talk about fickle), how things were before the stroke.but we cannot always have what we desire.. i have to keep fighting just to regain some resemblance of my former self.. i will prevail..i will walk again, i will sub to my master again that is now my focus .....to do what i have alway done fo him, which right now i am not capable off, in the mean time i will acheive the quality of life we all have once again but the focus is for me to serve my Master and be able to be mother to my children. careful what you wish for is all i can say. i have my goals all achieable i believe.. time and my detirmination will show if i have the grit need to make at least some inroad for myself.i shall damn well try.Season Greeting to all roll on 2006.. thing can only get better

been a while

finally back to real life after one month in the hospital.i have suffered what i am told was a dense stroke, which has left my left side paralysed. for info on my recover click here but for a few day over christmas i am home with my family and Master.my main concern now, oh i realise i have to give myself time but still i fear i cannot be the slave to my Master that i once was. i cannot even simply kneel before him now , maybe in time but right now i am totally dependant on him for everything.. it was once the other way round . He asked . i did. now i asked he gets up..i want things the way they were
..amj i allowed one pout.. i think i can get away with one if i could stamp my foot i would but i would fall over. seasonas gretting to you all
good to be home for a while

Missing piece of my puzzle

i was chatting to a sub friend last night, someone who is so like me that we could be twins.
i don't mean alike, as in the way we look, we are far from the same on that department, no i mean that we are so alike within what we feel and think regarding our submission that we could be one and the same. We seem to go through the same ups and down which can be a help to us both sometimes, as we can see what the other is talking about because we have either been there ourselves or we are likely to go there at some point... so to rose, my dear friend, i say, thanks, for all the times you have listened and been there, i hope i have been able to help you as much as you have helped me.

Having said that, rose is one of those people who is always so damn right... just when you think you have her stumped, out come these really perfect words that crush any form of defense you might have had in your reasoning for being a stroppy, pouting demanding sub/slave.

So the talk was of, the Men in our lives and the fact that they both work away from home at the weekends and how she and i find ways of coping with that.

There i am feeling really moody and sorry for myself and she comes out with the notion that ... of course one can stamp ones foot and make a big scene and make it really difficult for Master to leave, knowing full well that the last thing He wants to do is go, knowing that His lady is all upset etc etc... and then again, you could give Him your total and utter support in His endeavours to provide what is needed for His family to the very best of His abilities and not make a Huge mountain out of the little mole hill that is " work" and be there for Him and give Him the space needed to do what He has to do without the pouts or the paddies etc etc

And of course, rose is right.. and altho it is never easy when the Men have to leave, it is a necessary evil and one that we as their sub/slaves should be happy to accept knowing that what they do is for the whole family and altho not easy must be done for the good of all.

doesn't stop me missing MG... Its like having my right arm cut off, or a piece of my jigsaw is lost, and the whole picture in incomplete. Ying and yang, a single being, soulmates... meant to be together.

i am alone and it isn't my favourite time so with that i shall say good night and go bury my head in an attempt to pass the time, the morning will come quicker and MG will be home.

One step at a time.

I’ve felt guilty for not writing this blog as often as i have wanted to in the last few weeks. Thinking about why this happens sometimes, i can of course blame it on being occupied with various things, but really i think it comes down to expecting too much of myself. i have tried to learn about writing and web design and making cards and websets, and i have a number of goals in these fields that i am still far from attaining. i have a pretty clear idea of what i like, but i often feel that i am not in the right mood...too tired, too sick, too busy, or whatever... to lives up to my own standards let alone any one elses.

But the real mistake here is to let that stop me from trying that would be a retrograde step indeed... even with just a few words or a bit of designing at a time.

i need to remember, that real progress comes about mainly through the little steps we take on the path towards our goals. The steps that count most are the ones that no one congratulates us for, when we tripped up a little or even just accomplished some small success. Countless little steps cover far more distances than great marathons ever will.

Whatever it is that may be taking place in my life or in the world around me, there is invariably something beautiful there waiting to be discovered… but the approach to that beauty requires humble steps, patient walking, and a steadfast resolution not to let expectations get in the way.

i know i can do this, i just have to keep trying...

Change is as good as a rest

It has often been asked if subs are made or if submission is taught, well i am not the best person to ask that question of as my instant reaction to the "training" theory is that i and my fellow subs and slaves are not dogs or horses so training doesn’t come into it, guide, of course, show us an alternative way of doing things that the Dom would prefer, of course but forget the idea that i can be trained like an animal cause although at times i might be a pussy cat, hell i have sharp claws as well.

My theory is that each of us has within us, desires/wants/needs... to give and receive love and attention cause believe it or not even a man, even a Dominant gives, its not all about the sub giving and the Dom taking, not if the D/s is being done properly. Follow your desires and you are likely to end up with a pretty good and satisfying relationship. D/s is an extension of a normal loving relationship where there is give and take, that both are needed to keep an even balance between the two parties and so that they compliment one another. Add to that the D/s factor of absolute trust and total commitment and you have the foundation of a solid unbreakable bond between two human beings. Does this make one partner better than the other, more able to live life in a proper manner, better equipped to face what the big bad world has to throw at them, i don’t think so. Master or sub/slave, i am sure both are quite capable of living life, making decisions etc, the difference is that a sub chooses not to have to do that and is more content to give that responsibility over to another.

We have to be careful tho, not to fall into a rut and end up in a comfort zone where it is so easy to just let each day pass by without us even noticing. Comfort zones are those place where it is easier to just sit back and accept what we have as happy, when what we really have is nothing short of boring existence because we are too lazy or too bored or just plain cant be bothered to alter things.

We all change, nothing ever stands still, over time we develop new ideas, new beginnings etc but whatever it is we do, time has a habit of moving on with or without our knowledge or permission, we have to be aware that it happens and try our best not to become complacent and let things ride or before any of us know it, we are in the cirle of round and round we go and wouldnt life be really boring, if it was always the same, (the film Ground Hog Day springs to mind, the same day over and over again with the predicted result every time). That’s not for me. Things have to move on, they have to progress to bigger and better, they have to evolve, however...

Seems like only yesterday that my kids were little. Now, i have two very nearly grown young ladies, problem with that is a) i want my lil babies back cause they were really cute when younger, b) if they are growing up, where does that put me.. in the "old" bracket, that’s where !

Seriously, i could say that with age comes experience and all that stuff about been there done that but what i really wanted to say was this...

If i had the chance to do it all over again, would i... not a chance, even the shite bits i am happy with and ill tell you why, because it all, down to the really crappiest bits have made me, who i am, and who i am has moulded my life to where it is right now.. with Him, with the man i love, with my Master, with my submission, with my life just as i would wish it to be.

Raise me up.

Raise me up.

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up... To more than I can be.

Perfection

MOST definitely not in this house and MOST definitely not from me or mine. Who wants perfection anyway? i think it must be pretty boring to be perfect, have it perfect, be perfect, i would much rather have things that need tidying up, need my attention, need things to be done that will make things better but...never perfect. For with perfection comes boredom and with boredom comes dissatisfaction and it is at those times, when one has idle hands and minds that both have a tendency to wander of the track. Far rather be up to my neck in washing and ironing, then at a loose end, but i digress....

Been away for a bit, been a lil unwell last few days, before that, building, growing, making something of nothing really, but it gives me the greatest of pleasure and satisfaction to do.. so here is where i have been

• http://www.3roses.co.uk
  

Better add the link to my D/s site as well, while i am link dropping

• http://www.satinandlace.seekers.org.uk

My pride and joy at this time.. is my new site, where i am planning on storing and building up my graphics/websets and website templates. Of course, what i find interesting and pretty, others may not but if they do, that is enough for me..to know that others find my creative ability worth their attention and if i am honoured, those sets may even find their way onto other peoples sites and so, onto the www and out into the great void.

Other than that, life is as it should be, ever onward, always growing in the light of love and happiness with my love, with my children, with all i could wish for.

my Master and i have been yet again forced to take stock of how we are to conduct our "hands on" M/s as my Ex has decided that he cannot have the girls during the week any more and as MG works weekends at present... and as Master will not "play" or "scene" with the girls in the house this leave no time at all for us to be alone and so the crops and canes will have to remain in the toy box for a while until the opportunity arises when we can bring them out under the right conditions.

At first this caused some major consternation with us both but we have accepted what has to be and we will find a way around the current dilemma, just as we always do. We don't give up that easily.

Right now, i am off to bed, dont want to get unwell again for want of an early night or two and as its Friday and MG is at work, no point in me not catching up on lost sleep.

Good night all you good people,
Take care and be well.. (smiles)