wanting more

Must be a sub trait cause i always want more, so it seems do others we know, never satisfied, not sure if that’s good or bad, always striving for more, better. Is that greed or is it self improvement, maybe Sir can tell me. i do know i want more, more of Domination more of submission, that’s not a new thing its always there, I’m hungry for lifestyle, everything pertaining to it, more more and more of more, Its said The best submissive are those who willingly come to their Masters on their knees, whispering of their love. i love You and my submission to you is what makes my life , am i worthy or do i over kill on my need, trouble is, i acknowledge it as a need and as such it cannot be denied.

Odd Thoughts

How odd, i took time today to look back some 3-4 years at blog entries i made at that time, when my youngest daughter was only 10 (now 14), when we lived in a draughty rented flat (now in our own house) and just how much my writing style has changed, i also thought i really liked the way i wrote back then and maybe i could try that again so, i shall do that .Just recently on several occasion i have been witness to a Dom trait i find most odd. The lack of self control amongst some Doms who frequent our chat room.Now I’m the first to admit that chat is a pastime and can be said to have little if any bearing on reality but still i find it difficult to witness Dom running amok with hormones raging while in the company of subs. Self control, self discipline must be a corner stone on which to build a good base for the role that they all wish to partake of if not now then at some point in the further. On the other hand MG keeps Himself so tightly under control that He become totally consumed by issue to which He has by virtue of reality, little if any control over, thus driving Himself into a spiral of utter frustration at His inability to alter the situation. Neither of these examples are good, neither can be resolve by me that does not stop me from trying by a) talking to the chatter and trying to explain how their action are reflecting badly on them, the lifestyle and the room and by taking to MG and try to get Him to let go before His frustration and anger explode into uncontrolled rage. i am not at this point convince i can do either of the above but my instinct tells me to try.

Another day, another pound(dollar)

Blogging about my thoughts and just life. Always amazes me each year comes about and i wonder how it is possible to have blogged and shared my life that long. i look back at entries and cringe, laugh, cry and remember with fondness many wonderful moments. i know my blog has changed over time. i have shared a lot more of my life and just emotions. But frankly i am owned by an extraordinary man. i am grateful to have the chance to share this journey with Him. So it isn't my first thought to blog and get whatever out because i am there with Him sharing and experiencing life and the emotions that come with it.

Togerther moments

i 'm here again.Sorry for the absence. Honestly i didn't know what to say, so chose to say nothing.i still don't know exactly what to say, but yet i am here.
Things are getting back to normal, but I'm still worried about how everything is going to go. i worry about changes and it's hard to know that nothing i can do will fix the issues, re job, time apart, our D/s even. i wanteto be around him continuously and see him...even if it was for a little bit. i craved his smell, his touch...how he looked at me...being around him calms me, but life says otherwise the realities say He must go one way, i must go another, most ever morning. In my mind, He is my Master. This is all i really care about. This is my only concern. i would leave the nilla world behind, with the exception of my children of course, to be with Him, but again dreams are not how reality is, therefore I must deal with my demons and do the best i can, be happy with what we have, making ever together moments worth savouring.

Focus

For me, my slavery is about letting go of myself and focusing on Master. Less "me", more for Him. unfortunately, i find it challenging to truly "let go". i still want to hear Him say: "Good Girl!" i hope to achieve more moments when i truly find my satisfaction in the service without looking for the validation, but im not there yet, not be a long way, if I ever will be.

Gift...hmmmm

“There are four kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip another’s soul bare, and the power to stand naked.”

~Gurumayi Chidvilasananda

i have always known Master is focused Even with all the pressure and exhaustion He is always there to listen to me and offer direction when needed. i marvel at His devotion to the commitment He made to ownership of a slave.Even as i attempt to offer my service and make sure His basic needs are being met, i find i am having a lot of time to live inside my head.

One of the things that i keep bumping into that has always seemed a little out of balance to me is the reference to the "gift" of submission. For me, it just doesn't ring TRUE. i do not view my submission as a "gift". i have had the opportunity to examine my slavery and find myself so deeply immersed in my slave nature that i have come to believe "slave" is who and what i am. It is my most basic self and fulfills my deepest darkest yearnings, i embrace my slavery and the control, order, discipline, and safety which come from service to Master.

thinking

i think too much. This is not the first time i have heard this in my life. i do think. ALOT. Some of my thinking brings me peace as i come to terms with issues, both trivial and profound (to me!) and some brings me agitation when i obsess over events , and situations i have no control over in the present.i believe a freedom from obsessive thought is only achieved when i am asleep or I'm deep into my submission then i am freed from needing to think. i have only to obey and do. Life becomes service and service brings freedom

Inner Peace

My sense of tranquility and "rightness” is screwed up, right now i need peace,we have struggled enough in the last couple of years. He has had plenty of time to look into His heart, mind and soul to truly see how HE wishes to live His life, for Himself. Even with all the challenges He chooses Mastery and Ownership of property. Self aware enough and controlled enough to balance TOTAL POWER EXCHANGE with right living. Master must take while giving. He must use while serving the relationship. He is so much stronger in spirit than i. He is not mean or loud or overbearing. He controls with restraint, for the most part, and the power of His authority. my senses of security and "rightness" that i am owned, grows and fills me with JOY,I just want some quiet from all the hassle that goes on, to be left in my own peaceful little corner of the world, until Master needs me.

i am who i am

i am who i am. slave to my Master.People can take me or leave me. i can't change opinions that are already made up on and if i had to, it's probably not worth my time anyway. I'm pretty comfortable being me. It's not something that affects most people one way or another really. I wonder about things like this sometimes, ya know? Though honestly, I don't care.

my mind

Our minds are used to thinking, but when we want to become calm and peaceful that is exactly what we have to stop doing. It is easier said than done, because the mind will continue to do what it does. Sometimes we can think to much. Thinking is not always good for me, this i know.i just want to cut off sometimes and stop, the room eats away at me at times and i just want it all to go away but i love being there also. i hate seeing the lifestyle i love eroded into a game.

Age

i’m hypercritical of my body just like almost every other woman out there, and have found it difficult to overcome. i have recently come to a place of acceptance and i am learning to surrender to it. i am being to understand the art of aging gracefully and accepting who i am. So i will focus on the positive. That i am loved no matter how i continue to move through my life. As a young supple nymph or as a mature, ample woman, i am me, i will always be me and Master love me wart’s and all..

Cruise holiday

I want to write it all down.. At the same time, I’m afraid to look too closely as there had been quite a few negative moments, when i knew i was way off the slave I’m meant to be. But i realize i was off very quickly , hopefully corrected myself enough, although I’m not even sure of that.I've not been in the best place during this trip; far too many distractions and nilla people to be me, Master did once or twice pull me up but even that was difficult in a nilla environment for 8 days, some days were easier than other's. Its other days, i had to be careful of. i just know how much i need to be a slave... i am nothing without my submission. i was often insecure in an unknown environment. i hate being insecure, no excuse, i should trust but i got scared of all sorts of things.
We were fortunate to see some fantastic places. i was able to relax a lot at times, others were very fraught. However an experience not to be missed and a few life ambitions ticked of:

Flying
Visiting foreign places
Cruising
Airports

i give myself completely, giving You the freedom, to take me places i cannot get to myself. To have experiences i could not ask for.

But now it is time to pick up chores, resettle myself into my life as Your slave

submission

i don’t need to be beaten/forced into submission i submit willingly, that being said im not perfect and on occasions i have resisted. i chose to become Your slave willingly ,and gave up all rights, within our agreed limits, to decide what i will and will not do. i have on occasions verbally attempted to avoid something and its gets me, precisely nowhere. There has been only one occasion that i can think of where i have attempted to argued my corner, that was the day I was punished, just the once, never to be forgotten.
i didn’t see it coming, hadn’t anticipated it at all so it did come as a shock. i deserve it because i was disrespectful, I couldn't argue that You were unreasonable as You we rent. In fact if anything id say You are way to lenient but that's a whole different ball game. Sir

choices

I want to be everything i can for my Master, if he likes certain foods i'd learn to cook them, if he likes belly dancing i’d learn to dance, if he likes certain play i will accommodate.
I choose to one day be a wife, a slave. i choose that, and I'm not some "poor little thing who doesn't know any better", or a fundamentalist. It's not that i haven't gained an education, or that i have no ambition, or that I'm lazy and want some man to take care of me. i choose to be a wife, slave and mother because that is what i love, that is where my goals and heart lie, and it is my right. i see my home as a place of rest and love. A haven from the world, my husband/Master comes home to dinner waiting. i keep my "home running like clockwork. i work no less than any 9-5 drone. i just don’t have the desire to go and process paperwork or merge companies for a living. My job is to take care of my Master and my children.
When i see my life I'm the foundation of my family. i care for my household and my loved ones, and i hope i do it well. There are some great and powerful women worthy of praise, but there are also homemakers too.

Doormat

There seems to be this misconception out there, in the chat rooms, that as a submissive, you must automatically cater to the wishes of a Dominant, any Dominant. Do this and you will be seen as a "good" submissive. There are some chatrooms that have oodles of protocol before you can even enter a room ie, asking permission, addressing Dominants etc. However, i mean no disrespect, but if you are not my Sir or Master, if i've never met you, you haven't proved to me that you are deserving of that title.
i'm submissive by nature, Don't expect just because i am submissive that you are any better or deserve a title before you earn it. As such, it is people with these unreal expectations that have this blind vision of what a submissive is. They expect this woman sitting quietly, whispering when she speaks, agreeing with whatever opinion is floating around the room at that particular moment.
What a shame of the breaking of human spirit. Why on earth would a Dominant want anything but a submissive who as Master says, "Has a mind and is not afraid to use it." Part of a D/s relationship is a power exchange, not a brain nullification. How boring to not have an opinion. or be able to express yourself. i know, i know... i'm not talking about being obnoxious, or rude. I let Master handle that if needed. i'm talking about sharing in a learning discussion, and not parroting everything a Dominant says. i'm talking about asking questions, getting to an answer that really answers. i've heard it said, that D/s is the only thing that matters, there is no vanilla. Your sub sleeps in another room every night. OK, that's fine.... for you. In MY 24/7 relationship, i WANT to sleep next to Master every night, as He does with me. See my point?

the opinions expressed here are only mine.

have a great day...

Morning

I'm a morning person. Somehow my internal clock insists on me waking up every morning. i can't get back to sleep. i wish i could lay in bed and fall back to sleep.

But i get so much done before 9am.

The solitude,
Well, not exactly the solitude - I gotta have music playing for me to ge on. Still, I won't sing out loud - that's abusive to the environment.
Looking forward to the week of the cruise(October 13-20). It can't come soon enough. A whole week of “us “ time. Gota be good. Relax. No agenda. Suntan my body a bit . I wouldn't complain if I could go all week without speaking to anyone, except Master. Just You and me Sir

perfection

slavery is not about perfection. This is an on going journey in which we go from heaven to next. And yet even when we miss the mark, we learn and we grow...yes those are wonderful growth opportunities. We can choose to see them like that or we can dwell in despair and discontent with our own failures or the perceived wrongs of our Owners. The choice is ours. i choose to rejoice in my submission.

switching off

i don’t switch off from being His slave when we are not together, i am always His slave, i need Him to always be Master, at home, at work, at social events, all the time.
i chose to be His slave but it wasn’t something i just one day announced or decided, it was more a natural progression which just happened.
This was about what was right for me and I really believe that it was the right decision and i have no regrets.
As our relationship has progressed and deepened so too has my level of submission, i know i need control, i know i need to serve, i realize life has a habit of not making things so clear cut as i visualize, but there has to be a way to combine all aspects to satisfy all the needs mine and Master.

servicing

if you own a prized possession, let’s say a car, which is a asset to you. You know you have to keep it working so that the other things you possess can continue to be maintained to the level that keeps You happy. How do you do this, simple, You service the car at regular intervals, it may cost You but it has to be done, new brake pads, new washers, but you know how ever much You really don’t want to have to exert time and energy on the car but You also know that in the long run, if You do the car will continue to serve You for a long time. Your slave is like Your car, needs servicing every so often. Sparks discplines. Petrol. well just a task or chore every now and then.

patience

i need my Master. i need to be loved and cared for every day. i need stability. i need structure, discipline and reward. A long time ago i sought it out not truly knowing it was the key to my happiness. But finally...when i'd experienced it i was so happy. To be loved like that...to be cared for and held and told i please him...it's all I've ever wanted.
Goodness, please help me to be patient and a good slave for Master. To be understanding of the stress he's going through. Give me strength to be his constant...his loving slave.