i forever reach my hand out, awaiting for His hand to take mine in the ritual we have used for some years now, my hand upwards denoting submission, in His downward facing showing His Dominance.. just waiting to feel His hand reach out to touch mine.
i am reminded of a new book…….of blank pages which are yet to be written in…….fresh, full of possibilities. i read somewhere today the feelings you have as you enter a new year can sometimes be predictors of the year ahead. If that’s true, this year will be bright, positive, optimistic and full of love for us.
Somehow we need to figure out ways that will keep me in that "subby" mode or whatever you want to call it.....i love the way it makes me feel, Hopefully we can figure something out… i miss having that feeling of total surrender. That feeling that i would do anything for Master. Surrender and slavery feeds my soul and i get so hungry for that feeling sometimes.
I have asked Master before to set the rules. It might get him to understand my needs a bit more. He wants me to be strong and i am a strong woman, but...i still have tendencies, needs; desire...if i knew there would be dire consequences for breaking the rules though....i would surely know the boundaries, am i making a mountain out of nothing, no just fumbling around most of the time guessing. Give me rules and expectations...
I listened to some definitions the other night in chat, and one of a Domme's description on what makes her a Dominant, could have fit me. However, i am clearly NOT a Domme, nor do i want to be. i maybe am in other aspect of my life; i do not want to dominate in my personal relationship.
M/s and the integration of that into our lives seems to ebb and flow. My fear that M/s is not something He wants concerns me. He show’s frustration at the merest suggestion of M/s at times. Of course. He is human, dealing with the most common life issue. Work.. Bills etc! But the frustration causes Him to loose balance and respond carelessly. He acknowledges my emotional state; remains controlled and instead of punishing me for my behaviour, ignore it as it seems the easiest option.it is a challenging time. i am very grateful to Master for all He does for both of U/us, but I would be lying if i said i was totally happy with the level of our M/s right now..
Rules are there for a reason. It is what makes a slave. It is the inspiration the way to remember Master rules Not saying this slave likes punishment, but there has to be consequencies, well i have a love and hate relationship with this topic, but being controled, and feeling cared for, but then its the displeasure i feel when i have displeased Master, well, i can punish herself for days without be word from Master , you know it ok sometimes to say, its over and Master is happy, thati will learnt the lesson being taught and will not repeat the fault. i feels no consequence there's no control. Rules are the guidelines to avoid the consequence, discipline and punishment are part of the process of learning. Rules are those that keeps Master happy, and that is the aim of the slave.i prefers to have pain from the pleasure of being good not bad.
It is my destiny to submit. i have discovered that submitting is more than a desire. It is something that i need to do. It completes me, it makes me happy and content. It is a component of who i am. it an essence of my being. The further i explore my submissive side, the more centred i become. Focussed on being a better me, a desire to try and keep trying, no giving up. i need the relationship part of it, the "knowing" of me, the psychological aspect. i need someone to explore my mind and emotions. Without the psychological component, i think i am too strong willed, a firm hand is needed.
Must be a sub trait cause i always want more, so it seems do others we know, never satisfied, not sure if that’s good or bad, always striving for more, better. Is that greed or is it self improvement, maybe Sir can tell me. i do know i want more, more of Domination more of submission, that’s not a new thing its always there, I’m hungry for lifestyle, everything pertaining to it, more more and more of more, Its said The best submissive are those who willingly come to their Masters on their knees, whispering of their love. i love You and my submission to you is what makes my life , am i worthy or do i over kill on my need, trouble is, i acknowledge it as a need and as such it cannot be denied.
How odd, i took time today to look back some 3-4 years at blog entries i made at that time, when my youngest daughter was only 10 (now 14), when we lived in a draughty rented flat (now in our own house) and just how much my writing style has changed, i also thought i really liked the way i wrote back then and maybe i could try that again so, i shall do that .Just recently on several occasion i have been witness to a Dom trait i find most odd. The lack of self control amongst some Doms who frequent our chat room.Now I’m the first to admit that chat is a pastime and can be said to have little if any bearing on reality but still i find it difficult to witness Dom running amok with hormones raging while in the company of subs. Self control, self discipline must be a corner stone on which to build a good base for the role that they all wish to partake of if not now then at some point in the further. On the other hand MG keeps Himself so tightly under control that He become totally consumed by issue to which He has by virtue of reality, little if any control over, thus driving Himself into a spiral of utter frustration at His inability to alter the situation. Neither of these examples are good, neither can be resolve by me that does not stop me from trying by a) talking to the chatter and trying to explain how their action are reflecting badly on them, the lifestyle and the room and by taking to MG and try to get Him to let go before His frustration and anger explode into uncontrolled rage. i am not at this point convince i can do either of the above but my instinct tells me to try.
'm here again.Sorry for the absence. Honestly i didn't know what to say, so chose to say nothing.i still don't know exactly what to say, but yet i am here.
For me, my slavery is about letting go of myself and focusing on Master. Less "me", more for Him. unfortunately, i find it challenging to truly "let go". i still want to hear Him say: "Good Girl!" i hope to achieve more moments when i truly find my satisfaction in the service without looking for the validation, but im not there yet, not be a long way, if I ever will be.
“There are four kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip another’s soul bare, and the power to stand naked.”
i think too much. This is not the first time i have heard this in my life. i do think. ALOT. Some of my thinking brings me peace as i come to terms with issues, both trivial and profound (to me!) and some brings me agitation when i obsess over events , and situations i have no control over in the present.i believe a freedom from obsessive thought is only achieved when i am asleep or I'm deep into my submission then i am freed from needing to think. i have only to obey and do. Life becomes service and service brings freedom
My sense of tranquility and "rightness” is screwed up, right now i need peace,we have struggled enough in the last couple of years. He has had plenty of time to look into His heart, mind and soul to truly see how HE wishes to live His life, for Himself. Even with all the challenges He chooses Mastery and Ownership of property. Self aware enough and controlled enough to balance TOTAL POWER EXCHANGE with right living. Master must take while giving. He must use while serving the relationship. He is so much stronger in spirit than i. He is not mean or loud or overbearing. He controls with restraint, for the most part, and the power of His authority. my senses of security and "rightness" that i am owned, grows and fills me with JOY,I just want some quiet from all the hassle that goes on, to be left in my own peaceful little corner of the world, until Master needs me.
i am who i am. slave to my Master.People can take me or leave me. i can't change opinions that are already made up on and if i had to, it's probably not worth my time anyway. I'm pretty comfortable being me. It's not something that affects most people one way or another really. I wonder about things like this sometimes, ya know? Though honestly, I don't care.
Our minds are used to thinking, but when we want to become calm and peaceful that is exactly what we have to stop doing. It is easier said than done, because the mind will continue to do what it does. Sometimes we can think to much. Thinking is not always good for me, this i know.i just want to cut off sometimes and stop, the room eats away at me at times and i just want it all to go away but i love being there also. i hate seeing the lifestyle i love eroded into a game.
i’m hypercritical of my body just like almost every other woman out there, and have found it difficult to overcome. i have recently come to a place of acceptance and i am learning to surrender to it. i am being to understand the art of aging gracefully and accepting who i am. So i will focus on the positive. That i am loved no matter how i continue to move through my life. As a young supple nymph or as a mature, ample woman, i am me, i will always be me and Master love me wart’s and all..
I want to write it all down.. At the same time, I’m afraid to look too closely as there had been quite a few negative moments, when i knew i was way off the slave I’m meant to be. But i realize i was off very quickly , hopefully corrected myself enough, although I’m not even sure of that.I've not been in the best place during this trip; far too many distractions and nilla people to be me, Master did once or twice pull me up but even that was difficult in a nilla environment for 8 days, some days were easier than other's. Its other days, i had to be careful of. i just know how much i need to be a slave... i am nothing without my submission. i was often insecure in an unknown environment. i hate being insecure, no excuse, i should trust but i got scared of all sorts of things.