clothing/shoes

No, i am not proud of my body---i am over weight. i do not find my body attractive in any manner. i have learned, over time, to be happy with it as it is at this moment. Actually, this realization came to me within the last couple of year. After all the rehab I’ve done, im about as good as im likely to get now and i can accept that along with age and filling out in places id rather not. i have more clothes than i could imagine. Those are appealing and look good on me. As for my underwear. MG insists i wear only thongs which at first i didn’t like but now im very comfortable in them. Bra’s . Mainly due to the difficult of putting then on, i tend not to wear one unless i am going out them i make the effort. ~My clothes are selected for ease of dressing, but when we go out MG still decides on what i will wear. And even if we are staying in He will tell me to dress in a particular manner which please Him, i have many fetish style outfits which i am comfortable to wear at home and out to a club, many Basques/corsets. Shoes im afraid now must be flat to afford me any chance of walking unaided. i do very much miss my heels as i know MG misses seeing me in them but practically heels are out now, another thing i have had to accept. So, for Master and for me i like to look nice..... For him most of all

i am...

i am the person i am because of all the things i have been through….and i do like the person i am and i just need to keep remembering that…. i am who i am….because of my experiences good and bad..

i have someone to love me like i love Him. He give me as much as i give to Him.
i am Yours always, good or bad, I prefer the good but no one is perfect, still i’ll keep trying Sir

Reflected

I close my eyes… and reflect on us as a whole… who we are, what us means to me.. i have You in my heart… and i love You so much… the feeling in my heart.. is all about us.. to live, and learn..
No matter what happens in my life or in Masters Life, we are bound together forever. Not by rope, or chains, or handcuffs, but with the love and compassion in our hearts.
As Masters slave i can not explain enough or even describe into words the feelings He gives me.
He is my life though, and i refuse to be without Him, ever….Whilst he watches over me and protects me always and forever.
We’d have it no other way

perfect slave

The whole issue of being the "perfect slave" which does not exist, what does exist is being the best slave that you can be for your Master which of course means ones expectations may differ from the next and im certainly not that, i try hard but im a long way off. Other obviously seem to think i need some correcting, but as Master doesn’t, then im ok with that, as long as He is ok with my behaviour. The perfect slave how exactly is that proved........... by who can take the most cane strokes, etc? Or maybe its who behaves more appropriately. i don’t get, the obsession with "punishment”. To me punishment is given to correct unwanted behaviour, and generally something i wont like.i don’t and will never understand the “oh ive been naughty, Master will punish me” or the set up to fail attitude of some Doms. In being who i am, if i step out of line i would expect Master to tell me i have, i don’t appreciate another Dom who just because i may not reach His expectation of the perfect slave attempting to correct me, verbally or otherwise and when i don’t comply, throws His dummy out of the pram and storms off, oh well.

lucky me !!

In so many ways i am a lucky submissive to have a Master who gives me as much latitude as he does. My writing is my own. i can practice my craft in whatever medium i so choose. i am free to express opinions (within reason i suppose), he doesn’t outwardly control every aspect of my life. But yet every action has become one with him in mind. What i wear , . Hell even what i make for dinner each night, i think “Master will really enjoy having this tonight”. i can feel that centered grounding place. God i love that place. The “yes, this is where i’ve longed to be all day” place.Some who don’t understand the need to please and the need to serve would say that i’m losing who i am. The strong independent me who doesn’t take shit from anyone. To that i simply answer, being able to serve has only made me stronger in who i am. Having a Master whose convictions so closely match my own has given me more strength to be the woman i’ve always longed to be. i know that i please him, and that makes me stronger in everything that i do as an friend, sibling, mother. It also gives me the freedom to let go, surrender the control, put myself into his hands. There’s no greater feeling in the world for me than to know i’m serving, i’m pleasing, i’m loved, i’m used, i’m treasured. Yeah, it’s the best of everything, and I’m holding on tight.

Hands

i forever reach my hand out, awaiting for His hand to take mine in the ritual we have used for some years now, my hand upwards denoting submission, in His downward facing showing His Dominance.. just waiting to feel His hand reach out to touch mine.
I fully know that no matter what happens in my life or in Masters life, W/we are bound together forever. not by rope, or chains, or handcuffs, but with the love and compassion in O/our hearts. He is my life though, and i refuse to live without Him.

New beginnings

i am reminded of a new book…….of blank pages which are yet to be written in…….fresh, full of possibilities. i read somewhere today the feelings you have as you enter a new year can sometimes be predictors of the year ahead. If that’s true, this year will be bright, positive, optimistic and full of love for us.

As we step forward into 2009, may we be given the grace to accept its gifts in whatever form they are given to us, the strength to face its challenges, the wisdom to learn its lessons, and the love to do so with open hearts.

subby mode

Somehow we need to figure out ways that will keep me in that "subby" mode or whatever you want to call it.....i love the way it makes me feel, Hopefully we can figure something out… i miss having that feeling of total surrender. That feeling that i would do anything for Master. Surrender and slavery feeds my soul and i get so hungry for that feeling sometimes.

Quality Time

I have asked Master before to set the rules. It might get him to understand my needs a bit more. He wants me to be strong and i am a strong woman, but...i still have tendencies, needs; desire...if i knew there would be dire consequences for breaking the rules though....i would surely know the boundaries, am i making a mountain out of nothing, no just fumbling around most of the time guessing. Give me rules and expectations...

We haven’t had any play time for months now ...he's stressed, and i understand, just some time for me is what i need,just some quality time talking but even then i get the wall even when i ask to talk, its never the right time, just like now isn’t, when will be i wonder.

Proud

I listened to some definitions the other night in chat, and one of a Domme's description on what makes her a Dominant, could have fit me. However, i am clearly NOT a Domme, nor do i want to be. i maybe am in other aspect of my life; i do not want to dominate in my personal relationship.
I also heard someone who said, that he offers himself to teach mentor, never portray himself to be anything other than what he is. Well i do that as well. I've had many sub sisters come to me and ask for advice. I'm honoured that they feel they can come to me; i only have my personal opinion nothing else. Am i am enigma or just me.. Inside myself i need, desire to serve the man who hold my heart my Master.
Sometimes, knowing that alone is enough, knowing i am my Master slave, is all i need

Ebb and Flo

M/s and the integration of that into our lives seems to ebb and flow. My fear that M/s is not something He wants concerns me. He show’s frustration at the merest suggestion of M/s at times. Of course. He is human, dealing with the most common life issue. Work.. Bills etc! But the frustration causes Him to loose balance and respond carelessly. He acknowledges my emotional state; remains controlled and instead of punishing me for my behaviour, ignore it as it seems the easiest option.it is a challenging time. i am very grateful to Master for all He does for both of U/us, but I would be lying if i said i was totally happy with the level of our M/s right now..

Consequencies

Rules are there for a reason. It is what makes a slave. It is the inspiration the way to remember Master rules Not saying this slave likes punishment, but there has to be consequencies, well i have a love and hate relationship with this topic, but being controled, and feeling cared for, but then its the displeasure i feel when i have displeased Master, well, i can punish herself for days without be word from Master , you know it ok sometimes to say, its over and Master is happy, thati will learnt the lesson being taught and will not repeat the fault. i feels no consequence there's no control. Rules are the guidelines to avoid the consequence, discipline and punishment are part of the process of learning. Rules are those that keeps Master happy, and that is the aim of the slave.i prefers to have pain from the pleasure of being good not bad.

Destiny

It is my destiny to submit. i have discovered that submitting is more than a desire. It is something that i need to do. It completes me, it makes me happy and content. It is a component of who i am. it an essence of my being. The further i explore my submissive side, the more centred i become. Focussed on being a better me, a desire to try and keep trying, no giving up. i need the relationship part of it, the "knowing" of me, the psychological aspect. i need someone to explore my mind and emotions. Without the psychological component, i think i am too strong willed, a firm hand is needed.
It is strange to think of complete submission and surrender as a selfish act, but in a way it is. Maybe not a selfish act, but certainly not selfless. i appreciate and admire Your Dominance. i know that to dominate someone, and accept their submission, requires much thought, responsibility, and work. Your responsibility is far greater than mine; You care for me, and ensure my safety. You have accepted responsibility for my physical and my emotional well being. my trust in You is complete and without question.

wanting more

Must be a sub trait cause i always want more, so it seems do others we know, never satisfied, not sure if that’s good or bad, always striving for more, better. Is that greed or is it self improvement, maybe Sir can tell me. i do know i want more, more of Domination more of submission, that’s not a new thing its always there, I’m hungry for lifestyle, everything pertaining to it, more more and more of more, Its said The best submissive are those who willingly come to their Masters on their knees, whispering of their love. i love You and my submission to you is what makes my life , am i worthy or do i over kill on my need, trouble is, i acknowledge it as a need and as such it cannot be denied.

Odd Thoughts

How odd, i took time today to look back some 3-4 years at blog entries i made at that time, when my youngest daughter was only 10 (now 14), when we lived in a draughty rented flat (now in our own house) and just how much my writing style has changed, i also thought i really liked the way i wrote back then and maybe i could try that again so, i shall do that .Just recently on several occasion i have been witness to a Dom trait i find most odd. The lack of self control amongst some Doms who frequent our chat room.Now I’m the first to admit that chat is a pastime and can be said to have little if any bearing on reality but still i find it difficult to witness Dom running amok with hormones raging while in the company of subs. Self control, self discipline must be a corner stone on which to build a good base for the role that they all wish to partake of if not now then at some point in the further. On the other hand MG keeps Himself so tightly under control that He become totally consumed by issue to which He has by virtue of reality, little if any control over, thus driving Himself into a spiral of utter frustration at His inability to alter the situation. Neither of these examples are good, neither can be resolve by me that does not stop me from trying by a) talking to the chatter and trying to explain how their action are reflecting badly on them, the lifestyle and the room and by taking to MG and try to get Him to let go before His frustration and anger explode into uncontrolled rage. i am not at this point convince i can do either of the above but my instinct tells me to try.

Another day, another pound(dollar)

Blogging about my thoughts and just life. Always amazes me each year comes about and i wonder how it is possible to have blogged and shared my life that long. i look back at entries and cringe, laugh, cry and remember with fondness many wonderful moments. i know my blog has changed over time. i have shared a lot more of my life and just emotions. But frankly i am owned by an extraordinary man. i am grateful to have the chance to share this journey with Him. So it isn't my first thought to blog and get whatever out because i am there with Him sharing and experiencing life and the emotions that come with it.

Togerther moments

i 'm here again.Sorry for the absence. Honestly i didn't know what to say, so chose to say nothing.i still don't know exactly what to say, but yet i am here.
Things are getting back to normal, but I'm still worried about how everything is going to go. i worry about changes and it's hard to know that nothing i can do will fix the issues, re job, time apart, our D/s even. i wanteto be around him continuously and see him...even if it was for a little bit. i craved his smell, his touch...how he looked at me...being around him calms me, but life says otherwise the realities say He must go one way, i must go another, most ever morning. In my mind, He is my Master. This is all i really care about. This is my only concern. i would leave the nilla world behind, with the exception of my children of course, to be with Him, but again dreams are not how reality is, therefore I must deal with my demons and do the best i can, be happy with what we have, making ever together moments worth savouring.

Focus

For me, my slavery is about letting go of myself and focusing on Master. Less "me", more for Him. unfortunately, i find it challenging to truly "let go". i still want to hear Him say: "Good Girl!" i hope to achieve more moments when i truly find my satisfaction in the service without looking for the validation, but im not there yet, not be a long way, if I ever will be.

Gift...hmmmm

“There are four kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip another’s soul bare, and the power to stand naked.”

~Gurumayi Chidvilasananda

i have always known Master is focused Even with all the pressure and exhaustion He is always there to listen to me and offer direction when needed. i marvel at His devotion to the commitment He made to ownership of a slave.Even as i attempt to offer my service and make sure His basic needs are being met, i find i am having a lot of time to live inside my head.

One of the things that i keep bumping into that has always seemed a little out of balance to me is the reference to the "gift" of submission. For me, it just doesn't ring TRUE. i do not view my submission as a "gift". i have had the opportunity to examine my slavery and find myself so deeply immersed in my slave nature that i have come to believe "slave" is who and what i am. It is my most basic self and fulfills my deepest darkest yearnings, i embrace my slavery and the control, order, discipline, and safety which come from service to Master.

thinking

i think too much. This is not the first time i have heard this in my life. i do think. ALOT. Some of my thinking brings me peace as i come to terms with issues, both trivial and profound (to me!) and some brings me agitation when i obsess over events , and situations i have no control over in the present.i believe a freedom from obsessive thought is only achieved when i am asleep or I'm deep into my submission then i am freed from needing to think. i have only to obey and do. Life becomes service and service brings freedom