Confusion yet again

i dream, i desire so many things from within our M/s, i know that i have a need, it can almost be called an urge, to feel his dominance, his power, his control. i know i want this, i know i need it and yet, when it is there, it hurts, its almost to painful to bear sometimes and yet, it is who we are, it is what we do, it is what we have both said over and over again, what we give to one another.

So why, when it is there, do i struggle with it so.

oh sure, i can write about all the ideas of the slave struggling with her submission, sure, i am struggling, sure i get pissed off when i have given 99.9% and it's still not enough, but then there is this spark in me that says……...sheeeshhh woman, of course it isn't, you have to give the other 0.01%, only when you have given that can you say you have given it everything you have and only then will your Master be happy with what you have done, so stop the moaning, you gave yourself, totally, even down to the 0.01% when you accepted his collar and became his slave, no half measures here.

Oh but i struggle.

i struggle with the not having, i moan about not feeling my Masters hand, mentally or physically, when the outside influences get in the way for weeks on end, and then i go and moan when in a few short seconds, in a few words, my Master can literally bring me to my knees. Failure, that awful awful word, turns me into a broken mess and try as i might to ignore that, try as i might to deny the notion that a sub/slave punishes herself far far more than her Master ever can... its right, i do, i did.

i feel bereft, i feel a failure. Its not MGs intention to do that i am sure, it isn't what we are about, it isn't his doing, its all mine, i make myself feel this way, i am the one feeling like this but why, isn’t what happens what we are about, isn’t it right that if i miss something, if i do not do what is expected of me that my Master should, quite rightly, point that out to me , isn’t it right that i should be corrected and be pleased that he has noticed and that he has taken the time to say something......gawd, we both know that had i not been corrected i would.. or could have found a reason to moan about that, that i wasn’t feeling his dominance, that he was playing softly softly with me, in fact, i had said much the same not a few days ago, groaned probably about it, that he was far far to soft and allowed me to get away with far to much, which i bet he agreed with because he does.... and yet

my Master speaks a few harsh words, tells me i have erred and i am a crumbling mess..!!!!

i am not looking for answers here, i just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for listening