count my blessings

i guess i must take every opportunity to count my blessings, and i have many.
i must also reflect and be grateful for what i have and what i am.
What i have is two of the most wonderful kids imaginable, even if they are teenagers and sometimes forget that being me is far more than simply being their mum. What i have is a home, peace and contentment.
What i also have is a beautiful relationship with a caring, loving, demanding, strict, understanding, controlling, easygoing, mature, fun, sadistic, tender Master.
What i am is a mother, something that brings me so much joy i never dreamed i would feel. i am a woman, a friend.
i am intelligent, finally learning to be confident, secure, stressed, loving, and most of the time i am mature.
i am submissive, slave to my Master, respectful, obedient, caring, serving, pleasing, and loving.
i can't think of anything i want, or anyone i would rather be, than what i have, and who i am.i can only hope that i prove worthy of my station, to all who my life encircles.

i am Yours

sometimes i wonder if He realizes just how much being His ... completes me.And that, is what "love" is all about. When two people meet each other's needs so completely that they truly fit together like puzzle pieces, forming a beautiful picture called "life together"... love doesn't have to be spoken. It simply is.It is once again our anniversary time and it seems that things keep getting better and better. It never seems possible, and yet somehow, it always happens.Thank You for believing in me.Thank You for being someone i can also believe in.Thank You, Master, for owning me so beautifully.Absolutely and completely devoted to You,
i am Yours.

Two years on

I am so honoured to be Your slave/wife, to wear Your collar,wedding ring, to belong to You so completely. i am proud that my obedience and my service is pleasing to You, and that You are proud to own me.
i have the support of a man who owns me so wonderfully, cares so deeply for me, sees so much in me that is there, and so much potential in me in spite of the demons, life changes and their effects....and who has made Himself open to me by encouraging my growth... because He recognizes that as i grow, i change, and change always has an element of risk. But He knows that this kind of growth makes me a better person, and He trusts and believes that it will make me a better slave as well. i shall continue to try to be the best i can be.
Your slave/wife(i adore being both Sir) thank you

Typing

i find myself tending to type here for myself more than for any other reason. This really is a good way for me to clarify some thoughts, and even seeing things in words helps me to prioritise sometimes. You have no idea the many times things are typed and deleted .
Usually i am able to type, and purge a lot of negative emotions before You ever see anything i have typed. i delete all the purging things, of course. Why is that important? Many Doms and Masters say they want to know whatever their slave/sub is feeling, but too much negativity is not good for either me or You, but an outlet to express those sometimes, dark and murky thoughts is beneficially to me to let it all go somewhere other than in a blazing row. i can surface with a spring in my step (when my backs not killing me) relatively even-keeled, i would hope to get on with what i need to do in life.
Thank You for Your patience. You have to be the most patient man i have ever had the honour of knowing, and i am one blessed to belong to You. Thank You for choosing to discuss the difficult things with me in you inimitable manner. Thank You for showing your love for me in more ways than i ever dreamed one could. Thank You, Master, for it all.

Is it possible

From Submissive Journal Prompts:

My desire to please and be found pleasing, to mold myself to Master's will and to become the person He would have me to be expresses how deep my relationship is with my Master Love, in general to me, isn't based on how good the other person makes us feel. Love is based on how well they meet our needs, even those we don't know we have. For me, love is the knowledge that i would be totally crippled without Master in my life, because of the needs He meets for me. And i honestly believe that He feels the same way about me,That kind of love does not fade. Some say that if a Master falls in love with His slave, He runs the risk of romanticising the relationship, and no longer treating her as a slave. there is some grounds for this assumption, i do feel sometimes i get away with more than i should or that Master is too soft with me but, who says that we cannot have our M/s and love as well, its just another of the many challenges we face, same as being parents in a M/s relationship, i would say that fact hinders us far more than our love does, but we wouldn’t choose not to be parents.

i say that a deep, abiding, M/s, D/s relationship can't happen without love being present.
Life isn’t for living without love M/s or otherwise.

i love my Master with all my heart, So i know that love HAS to be present in a successful D/s,M/s relationship.

Trust & Faith

The word "trust" is used to describe what is needed in order to submit.But what about when the trust is real?...really, really, real. Trust so strong that there are no limits as to what one will share.i trust Master like that...trust so strong and devoted that i can not even compare it to anything else..or to anyone else.Certainly trust is required with giving myself over to be hurt, to be used, to be subjected to pain...no question, it is imperative to be able to know i am in good hands. Knowing i can handle and at times endure painful situations. Yet, it goes deeper than just the physical. A pain slut, is a pain slut, is a pain slut, so submitting to a rather difficult session is easier for some than others and as such doesn't require as much trust .

What i find the most, comforting, is the trust that i have that goes beyond being able to trust someone who beats me.Sharing so much with Him, knowing that He will protect me . That He knows it is for Him..is exclusively His. i give it to Him because i want Him to have it all....i have the utmost faith in Him that what i give to Him, is appreciated, cared for, and gives Him pleasure. It is why i am here and because of course because i love Master and want only the very very best for Him.

i am woman

i am woman.With a woman's needs. The need of a strong man to hold me up when i'm weak, to care for me when i'm needy, to pick me up when i fall and to have my back when bad is out to get me.The need to be pampered once in awhile and to be touched with love and softness.i'm a woman.i'm soft inside for all my strength.And i'm fragile inside for all my hulking, graceless size and bulk and hobble.
i'm slave for all that by choice because for all that Master is everything i know i need and a lot more that i didn't know i needed. He is my light in the dark, my rock when my own foundations crumble, the soft pillow when im tired of the world,but most of all a big soft cuddly teddy bear who can growl real loud when im straying . Master love You forever. Thank You Sir for just being there.

Good Girl

Many slaves enjoy being good girls or at least being called a “good girl.”

For me i think it is because being called a good girl lets me know i am pleasing Master...and doing what i need to serve Him well. Internally it hits those buttons that longs for approval.

Do you like being a good girl or do you like being called a good girl? both. i like being a good girl and pleasing Master. But i also like when He says i am a good girl.

Do you like being a bad girl to get a spanking?

no. If i want a spanking, i ask/beg/plead... then He decides if he wants to give me one or not. But acting out to get one isn't my thing.

Do good girls do all this other stuff they enjoy? oh yes! i am a good girl that likes to be a slut and whore...as well, if it pleases Master

love and marriage

It is not my intent to suggest that I am a "true" submissive. i only write of what submission means to me and its place within my life and home. It is a link in my marriage, but only one of many. Without my deep friendship with and respect for Master, there would be no possibility of my submission to him. Our relationship is built on a foundation of mutual respect and is lavishly sprinkled with love. I believe that we were meant to be together. I feel that we have always loved each other. As far as I am concerned, we were led to one another five years ago. Otherwise, it was a fluke that we ever met, Our introduction was meant to be. This is a love that was written before time began. It will never die.

communication

I feel that communication is not only a valuable, but an essential tool in any relationship M/s or otherwise. For me as long as slave communicates her needs/concerns in a manner that is respectful to Master, it should be allowed. i am glad that my Master, allows free speech, i am free to say whatever i need to say and to whom i wish . Do others have the right to express opinions that differ with mine? Sure they do and i love hearing them. Gives me a lot to think about.i am as true to my beliefs,as i can be if i'm confused, i'll ask for clarification. i'll not just assume that something is this way or that. Truism(one true way) isn't a part of my thinking, but being true to myself is, which is why i'm a slave because it is who and what i am.My ultimate goal

To always be true to my MASTER, To live a life of service. And, to be true to myself.

Your slave

slut by name, slut by nature

The hope to be pleasing. The desire to comply. The love of obedience. And the helpless hunger for pain. The inescapable craving for pain. my honest desire to be a good slave. i must need to be punished every day of my life for all and every failing, not that I’d intentionally fail You because my greatest desire is to please but if i’m found too slow or that i’m being lazy, i'm never really sure but i cant be that good a slave to not warrant punishment, i want to be punished but hate deserving it, because it means i've fail You. My slavish needs are far too strong for me to ever intentionally earn punishment. Nonetheless at times i melt at the thought of Youtelling me off. I want You to be strict about the ways i am to please You. To never fail but to correct for each and every thing You require of Your slave. It is my nature to relish Your pleasure-Punishment is probably only possible between us within a formal/private setting. Rules might serve the purpose of shaping slave behaviour to match Your wishes. They also increase the likelihood that I will fail: memory, tardiness, sloppiness may leave me at fault. i want Your control, to never be displeasing and - yet - Your discipline One leads to another, either way i fail, me or You i'd rather fail me so i guess im not going to get the spanking i need soon.!! i realise we have quite serious thoughts behind discipline and punishment, im happy with either right now Sir, Yes i know slut by name, slut by nature Sir .

Your slave

am i real ?

am i real? i read a few blogs and generally when i do, i take them at face value. i believe that what i am reading is a fairly accurate account of what happened in someones life, simply because what i am reading is a blog and not erotic fiction. While i understand that even the best of us exercise a touch of poetic license on occasion to improve on our literary leavings, i cling to my belief that a blog is a glimpse into a real and not imaginary life.i used to get quite upset when i read about someone who is 'better' than me by taking a more solid beating or by being more slavery in some way. For some reason, the competitive streak in me always wants to feel that i'm much more a slave than anyone else. Of course, that's not true in any way shape or form and i am working on stopping the 'comparison cycle', but i still do feel jealous.It has often dawned on me to think that what i was reading might not be real- that it might just be someones little fantasy played out on the pages of a blog. It had also never dawned on me to be anything less than brutally honest about my life here, so i assumed that everyone else was the same. It kind of feels wrong to pass something off as real that is not.Now, i'll be the first to admit that i don't post pictures that show fat bulges. i also don't go into great lengths about the just how much i might suck as a slave , but i also don't parade around as 'Miss Slavery 2007/8'. i try to keep things in balance and show an overall view of the realities of D/s in my life. Although i try to keep the realities of my vanilla life to a minimum in this blog it doesn't mean that they don't exist and it certainly doesn't mean that i clean the house in a maid's outfit and stilettos or spend twenty two hours a day on my knees. I have a life and D/s is but a part of it.

rest easy mel

The loss of one so young, makes the world a cruel place terri (melova)was a sweet girl even tho 26, she had put up with so much in her short life, it was never going to be easy, but she rarely complained, and just at the time of year when we all look forward she looses her fight, how much sorrow i feel that i might also not have been there for her at her greatest time of need, a sister in the lifestyle. she will be sadly missed

R.I.P. mel hunnie

maybe i'm just a masochist

i have always wanted someone stronger than me. i have always craved someone who could take over my entire being and own me. Not necessarily in a slave sense, but still as slave im extremely happy. i do not cry from pain easily. it takes quite a bit to get me to cry.But i so remember times i have been degraded from a punishment spanking or a discipline spanking. And there is that stir of excitement in it all and i cry more easily, humiliation just makes me cry from shame. Maybe because there is that stir of...i am a grown woman and this is humiliating. Many a time i remember breaking down, the pain getting to be to much or even just the humiliation being to much. Maybe a part of my stubbornness was dying away. i know afterward i always feel more submissive. But punishment or discipline spankings are different from erotic even tho the action and pain levels are probably the same, Master put a different slant on the act in punishment Still, being spanked is a need i have however much pain result from that, is it therefore for the pain that i need to be spanked, or possibly Master attention? or maybe i'm just an out and out masochist. !!
Your slave

Deep submission or my bound place

so its my bound place , i can work with that. Funny how the "Deep submission" got lost somewhere along the road but they are one and the same place and i'm so pleased that You understand this place of mine Sir. The mind set of my need to become so deeply absorbed within my submission to you, that i'm tied, bound, caged, limited by the very thought of being Your slave and subsequently my every move, thought is focused on You Master and my need to be subjugated by You. It is at times such as these that i need to fall to my knees and beg You please, use me, command me anything just allow me to be Your slave , my soul cries out to serve You Please Sir, beat me, anything. i wonder if this is even remotely normal. i need the feeling of free-falling, sinking, overwhelming surrender that only my deepest submission can give me. This isn't a want in me now, it has become a need an all consuming need. Begging i can do and am willing to beg You to Dom me please Sir. Hell this is a hard place to be, with an insatiable desire that i alone cannot fill.

Your slave

wordsmith

i've been trying to come up with some kind of name to described my submissive place, the place i go when i feel the need to be ultra submissive, the times when if it were at all possible i would be cuffed and leashed, in those imaginary silks and at Master beck and call totally, on my knees, the head space area of my submission . i don't even know what might be appropriate. "sub-space" doesn't describe it for me, as that refers to the more erotic area of play No, i need another place when my whole being desire, needs even to be "slave" nothing more or less but totally consumed by my submission to Master, it eats away at me, this feeling all i want is to serve, to be used, to be slave at its most basic level, id throw myself to the floor if it were possible, its that consuming but can i find a single word to describe the feeling, i would really like to find a description so that at any given time if Master requires me to be ultra submissive . i.e if You wish me to attend Master You might instruct slave to be in this place knowing that my attention will be focused solely on Your needs, pleasures.Sir is the word smith maybe You can find a title for this place?
Your slave

What frustrates me

What frustrates me is when i have a need, that needs fixing and circumstances, lack of privacy, or other life 'stuff' gets in the way of me reaching, any kind of closure. Sometimes, those circumstances or life "stuff" are avoidable, and then sometimes it's hard to be patient or understanding, when my little voice is screaming "I NEED!!! Fix it!!!! Please!!" and other times, the circumstances are out of both of our control and i merely rage at them in a petulant way that while probably adorable to watch is just a small outlet for my internal frustration. For me to be at my best, i need my fixes.. i need them regularly... . It can be achieved in subtle ways or blatant, but i do need it.
So i admit sometimes that i get frustrated with Master. It's a selfish urge, and i realise that there are slaves and submissives out there who are probably aghast with shock that i would spend an entire post talking about my needs. What kind of submissive am i?Well - i'm me. i'm my type. And being submissive, is a part of me. And that part does include needs.
i am sure my needs can also be a source of frustration for MG. What's most important is that we work together, we ebb and flow together, and that we both do our best to strike the balance between wants and needs, both of ourselves and each other. Overall, i think we both do a pretty damn fine job.
Your slave

submissive needs

As a submissive, or even as a woman in a relationship, i have the right to speak up and discuss what my needs are... and my wants... I trust my Master to hear those needs and wants and to know the difference. If there is a *need* that He can't provide, we talk about it... and decide how important that need is and if im to be allowed to satify that need at that time (so far there hasn't been any He can't provide). The wants are absolutely at His discretion, and He knows it, but it is a way to let Him know where i'm at. A Dominant is expected to tell their submissive what they need and expect, and yet often i see submissives told they are 'topping from the bottom' if they try and return the favour... Perhaps some Dominants are threatened by this behavior.i don't really know...i do know that our relationship is still a relationship and our marriage is like any other marriage. We have to come together as two people who love each other first and make sure we are both feeling fulfilled. That is critical no matter what kind of relationship it is, and just like any other relationship, COMMUNICATION is key.Although... i must say... that when it's little cravings, sometimes just displaying my submission to Him openly and genuinely is all that's needed!
Your slave

Attitude, Acceptance and Obedience

i like every thing that Master has me do (or not do.) The reminder of His control over me as a person by having to ask permission for certain things is a powerful thing. It makes me more aware of things, it makes me grateful for the simpler things and it makes me appreciate Him more when He takes the time to listen to me when i ask for permission to do things that might be mundane but a privilege just the same. i like to know that if i miss asking Master is ready to remind me, it shows Your attention to those small details But i also appreciate the freedoms i am granted. i am to ask to eat, because, its a rule and focus's me Master does like to spoil me but rules are rules and permissions need to be adhered to.
To be living the dream. Sometimes things get a little hazy in this lifestyle. Master and i live a relaxed type of lifestyle - He doesn’t have too many rituals and i am not micromanaged with a 300 page list of rules to follow. So at times i take for granted (not on purpose) that this is what i dreamed of; this life and this Man and who i have become to Him.
i am where i want to be and now more than ever, i realize this. When i think about it, my heart does a little flip flop and i smile to myself. It’s not just the service part of things - it’s everything about this lifestyle. It’s the power exchange, it’s the being subjugated, beaten, that thrills me to the core. It’s the fact that Master owns me - my body, my flesh and blood and that there is a collar on my neck that reminds me every single moment of my day - that makes me all a quiver. It’s the fact that i am here to serve Him - no matter what that entails - that fulfills me. feel fulfilled every time i get Him a cup of tea or make Him a meal that pleases Him. i feel fulfilled after every sexual experience knowing that i worked hard to make Him happy, to put a smile on His face, to make Him feel good. It fulfills me to hear Him murmur sweet nothings to me about these experiences - that ive done well, that i‘m a good girl - that i am HIS good girl. i feel fulfilled every time He pats me on the head, hugs me, or kisses me sweetly. There is fulfillment in just wearing this collar. i finally am living a life where i feel like i have a purpose. To please Master. i feel fulfilled just thinking about the little things i do around this house for Him and realise that this is what has been missing from every relationship. Master doesn’t always acknowledge everything i do and it‘s okay . Within this collar, whether He acknowledges all of my positive points or not - i feel much more appreciated for my efforts than i ever have been for i know my purpose is simple - to be here, to be available. The rewards i reap emotionally from Master on this level are worth far more than anything i have ever experienced and for that i am eternally grateful. Thank You Sir
Your slave

Lectured

i do listen, and i will of course take on board everything you said Sir. i don't want or need excuses, i am happy to admit i tend to be click happy and really should concentrate more and i will now wait for you if at all unsure of what i might do. If my recklessness was regarding my safety then we might have a bigger problem but as You pointed out i haven't caused a major problem but its something i am aware of, i hope i can relearn the skills ive lost and can improve my dependability. i would hate to think that i am destined to be left, unreliable and i shall therefore make it a task to try and bring my reliability up a bit so that i don't cause You further cause for concern .

Your slave

how slutty am i ?

i often joke with people in the chatroom about how i'm not really a slut at all, i'm just sweet and innocent and pure and angelic, etc, etc. Most of which is pretty much tongue in cheek, although i'm really not sure exactly how slutty i am. i mean, compared to who? What's the definition of 'slut'? And it's not exactly But anyway, i decided to take an online slut test, to find out once and for all how slutty i am. Here's the results, which i think show that i'm pretty much well-balanced between being a slut and being an angel (Or perhaps they show that i'm only a partial slut, lol!

The Results ARE IN! You are:
60% Slut

I must not be a Twue slave;

I do not speak in 3rd person*
I do not turn my webcam on for everyone who asks, as i dont own one
I do not greet my Master on my knees, or in the nude
I do not have a list of dos and do nots spelled out*
I do not send out 'adult' pictures to everyone who asks for them
I do not check in daily with my Master*
I do not enjoy humuliation or objectification
I do not cyber
I do not have a poly relationship, nor will I
I do not shave everyday or on a regular basis*
I do not report what I have consumed/eaten everyday to my Master*
I do not think my Master is ALWAYS right and can do NO wrong
I do not sleep chained to my Master's bed*
I do not offer the use of my '3-holes' daily to my Master*
I do not ask for permission to speak*
I do not type with the Dominant/Top Type being Capitilized and the submissive/bottom type in lowercase*
I have safewords AND limits
I have an IQ
I have referances
I have friends who are NOT slaves or lifestylers
I have male friends - in and out of the lifestyle that I talk too
I am NOT a doormat
I KNOW the difference between a submissive and a slave, and I insit on the correct term being used
I practice and advocate SSC and RACKI speak to men and tops as my equals
i expect to be treated with respect at all times
I have and express thoughts, feelings, ideas, opinions, and desires that are not inline with my Master's
I can carry on an intelligent conversation
I can and do make my own decisions
I do wear panties, bras, lingerie and clothing on a regular basis*
I use the restroom unattended and with the door closed*
I am NOT shared or traded
I kiss and hug my close friends, regardless of gender in front of my Master
I am NOT kept in a cage at night or when not in 'use' or 'needed'

self analysing

Oh i hate analysing myself but its been one of those weeks , it seems each time that the"why me", and then "its so unfair"appears, i crumble into the abyss, i realise that's self pity but trying to break the cycle is extremely difficult. More to the point i don't know how to. i need a leg up somehow but don't ask because i really don't know how or what a leg up might achieve. .as i say i'm not even sure why these blips occur and how to deal with them. However the prospect of a new move in my rehab is very exciting Sir, just hope i'm not disappointed. The quad stick will be another option to progress forward which im anticipating. but have to wait.. geeze i hate waiting. Then also the need to drive again, now it doesn't seem so pointless as i might be able to go out and do more for You and for me as well... i have a need and a reason Thank you sir for being there always.

Focus on what you can do

Having been talking openly with another slave who i feel is far more grounded than i am right now, her ideas of focusing on what you've got, not what i haven't sounds like a very logical step to me and one ive used before.
i could blame all sorts of issue but that would be off the mark and just making excuses for myself, i need to admit that ive slipped and stop blaming a whole lot lately on stuff that doesn't deserve the blame, but putting blame aside, i realise its time for a change in attitude if i wish to get my role of slave back to where i was happy, about 2 years ago, it will certainly take some work but im happy to put in the effort so to start i have change a few things about myself, my chat nic to represent who i am MG´s_slave_cleo, find the respect that seems to have gone astray over last year or so, joined a group of slave's in an attempt to ground /centre/focus my thoughts more onto slave attitudes, thinking the more often i get into the right circles the more ill relax into who i am , so who am i ?

He is Master and I am slave. He is Owner and I am owned. He commands and I obey. He is to be pleased and I am to please. And why is this? Because he is Master and I am slave.

and serve Master i shall in ever way possible, because we are both grateful for what we have, could be far less so ill make the most of instead of moaning about whats missing, enjoy what we have which is a huge amount of love and great family and a whole way of life open before us. im going to try anyway

MG's slave cleo

Why should slave not argue with Master?

Following a little bit of non slave behaviour. MG order me to complete a task for him, this was to write an essay of 1,000 word of the title subject. Here then is that completed essay:-

Why should slave not argue with Master?

An argument is a statement (premise) or group of statements (premises) offered in support of another statement (conclusion).

Under normal circumstances arguments start because of differences of opinion. As a slave should happily follow the opinion of her Master there should really be no reason to argue any point but that might make slave an unthinking doormat with no opinion. So where’s a happy medium, one that both Master and slave can work with?
It's important to accept that arguments (differences of opinion) are a normal part of a relationship. We're all different and where there's difference, there will be disagreement but beneath the surface of an argument often lurks a much deeper issue, desperate to be let out and looked at - and we'll keep on arguing until we decide that the issue has been fully heard, if not answered, although slave should know better than to go on and on about any issue. Master should perhaps also “hear” that slave has a matter which needs resolving (or addressing at least) and it should be his responsibility to address as that is His place in the bigger scheme of the power exchange. Time-Out (an agreed time when slave and Master can speak freely outside of the M/s roles they have chosen) might be a means for slave to express any concerns; but this still needs to be heard and more importantly understood not pushed aside as the “rambling” of slave.
D/s relationships should be built on honest communication and trust. If you can't trust your Master enough to be able to share your anger and frustration with him, maybe you're in the wrong relationship.
When you're angry, and it's your Master that you're angry with. That is the responsibility that He has accepted, to be the rock upon which the slave can both lean, and bash her head against! (metaphorically speaking of course).
Dominants, contrary to popular belief, are not perfect creatures. They err, just like the rest of us. While we, as submissives, would like to believe that they always have our wants and needs forefront in their minds, like any good relationship, we must realise that they are humans first, and Dominants second.
These situations call for honesty. I don't think there's a Dominant in the world who wants his submissive to sit, smiling up at him and say "No, there's nothing wrong, Master" when there obviously is. Conversely, anger does not give you the right to take on the dominant role in the relationship and start berating Master thereby causing the need to argue. There has to be a middle ground.
Mentally and emotionally, from a submissive standpoint, it’s difficult for a submissive to even be angry with her Master. We want them to be godlike creatures, capable of making all of our dreams come true, but in most cases, they're just like any other person on the planet. They do screw up. How does one express any kind of anger (disappointment) towards their Dominant, without appearing to be topping from the bottom or leaving their submissive role entirely or having a blazing row? It's very easy to want to point your finger, but it's not the right approach (submissive or vanilla!) and it won't solve anything. You have to talk for the anger to go away. Set aside the D/s if you have to, but talk about it like two adult human beings. Obedience, or submissive compliance, is the act of obeying orders, if ordered to do so, slave should desist from arguing. However once again, if slave has an issue would it not be prudent of her Master to hear that issue before silencing her? Then again there is arguing and then theres arguing, Master must determine just how far He will allow his slave to continue making her point.
You should never be afraid to share your innermost, deepest feelings with your Master. These feelings are not always going to be gushing with joy and causing sexual stirrings with each other. Sometimes, they're down in the gutter of human emotions. Those need to come out, too.
Not forgetting arguing can play a beneficial role, and it can add excitement to a relationship or be a way of getting attention. It may not be the ideal way of gaining Master attention as that attention may be in the form of punishment/discipline. Arguing however might be worth the pain because of the joy of making up. And when you make up you get to reaffirm your love for each other.
Neither Dominants or subs are mind readers, each must be as open and honest about any concerns they might have and not leave imaginations to run riot as that will only cause anger to fester and inevitably begin to boil up inside until it can not longer be contained and an argument is bound to ensue at some point. We are all human and we all want to be loved; still a slave should seek to bring honour to her Master and as such arguing should not be part of that; it only shows disrespect for ones Master and herself.
At the point of accepting a collar the slave gives up her right to argue along with many other freedoms, in return for a negotiated lifestyle of trust and intimacy that is required to make as deep and meaningful a relationship possible.
Therefore the reasons why slave should not argue with her Master are:

· a slave should be respectful and dutiful in the presence of her Master
· Slaves do not argue.
· Slave is expected to have integrity, loyalty and to serve to the best of her ability.
· Slave accepts punishment and discipline without complaint and with humility.
· To Err Is Human, To Forgive Divine, To submit within the power exchange is foremost
· D/s is not a democracy (knew that from day one)
· it is always better to restrain the natural tendency to argue
· everyone has a right to an opinion (a slave can have only with permission)
· I am my Master slave, I submit to his will, willingly without exception.
· Slave belongs to her Master completely (mind and body, heart and soul) unconditionally
· D/s relationships should be built on honest communication and trust.
· D/s is a lifestyle choice, Domination and submission, where people live their lives opting by nature to be either Dominant or submissive. In a relationship the one complements the other and is based on the gift of submission, and absolute trust

Learning to kneel.. again

Submissives find many and varied ways to express submission, although one of the most common seems to be that of kneeling before a Dominant. This simple act places the sub at a lower level than the Dominant and represents her being controlled and dominated by Him, by the very nature of their relative physical positions.When i had the stroke in November 2005, one of the long-term effects was what is known as hemiplegia. "Whats that?" you ask. hemiplegia is a condition where a vertical half of a patient's body is weak or paralysed, i.e. one arm and its corresponding leg do not function properly. In my case this has resulted in virtually no function at all remaining in my left arm and hand, and just a little in my left leg. i can walk a little, although i am very unstable, but have had to adapt to using one arm/hand as i have no voluntary control in my left arm at all. My balance is not too good at all, and as soon as i turns, or leans, or bends away from an upright position that loss of balance is all too obvious.Now, one of the things which had become almost a daily ritual for us before the stroke was that i would invariably kneel for MG, usually before we retired in the evening. We spent many long hours like that, discussing our D/s, our plans and our hopes for the future.It was one of those actions which gave me a way to fulfill my need to demonstrate my submission to my Master. It was a natural and comfortable position for both of us. Since the stroke and because of my physical challenges kneeling has been virtually impossible for some time now. We have tried to find alternative ways to expressing submission for me but none that we have tried gives me the same satisfaction as the act of kneeling. Of late as my balance has improved slightly, and i has a little more control in my left leg, i have managed to find a way to get back on my knees again, if only for very short periods of time. There is nothing else which comes close to the act of kneeling for me at least, that enables me to express my submission in such a tangible way. From the kneeling we may be able to move to other more "physical" things, such as going over MG's knee or some kind of mild spanking. The physical closeness which kneeling creates becomes a springboard for other actions to follow naturally, although of course with great care.So, perhaps we can return to that most fulfilling of submissive expression again, by allowing me to get back to kneeling before bed again.Perhaps it's the first (or next?) step in our regaining of the more physical side of the relationship we had. Recovery from stroke is by definition a long and very slow process and sometimes we have to look for a way to measure that, because living with the challenges every day, one does not always see those improvements. Sometimes you really have to look hard, or you miss them entirely.

A Point

MG made a valid point and as such its for me to act on that so ill try. His point is that its not needed for me to write up each infraction of our M/s, there is no need to make a big point of faults as they are trivial compared to the whole experience. i was talking to a friend about the heavy burden placed on my Master with all that is needed to balance out the long term effects of the stroke, she replied "you always needed care cleo you just need more now" which i though was lovely way to describe our current position and as Master and i have talked about many times if the role was reversed I'd do for him but my argument to that is that i serve its what i am comfortable in doing He is a very special man and Master, i only wanna serve a special person anyway so it works for us both.M/s or any kind of lifestyle choice takes more than some knee bending the odd slap across an available butt, much much more, it goes way deeper its about given of ones inner most self to another and not asking for anything in return just love and honesty
MG once wrote:

D/s is a lifestyle choice, Domination and submission,
where people live their lives opting by nature to be either Dominant or submissive.
In a relationship the one complements the other and is based on the gift of submission,
and absolute trust
© Seekers 2002-2004

kind of says it all really

opps boo-boobed

well, there was i so righteous and i do just what i accused others of doing. Making a decision for myself because it suited at the time, making me no better. damn. however i did own up to my error, Master was not best pleased.and i did realise albeit rather late that i had erred. I l feel as if I'd let MG down and disappointed him yet again. no excuses and whats worse was that my error in fact was to alter something MG had put in place. i could have waited and asked for Him to make the alteration, time was not a factor. i really have no excuse. just didn't think it through. let both myself and MG down.Slaves are not permitted to just assume it is OK but that's just what i did, i assumed, silly girl not much else to add.. failure, one day, maybe ill get this Master/slave thing

submission is not always pleasant

We came into a little money recently, not such a big deal you might say but as most people do we wanted to have something to show for it at the end of the spree so plans were made, now i have to say how good it is that MG and i have such similar taste in most thing, but the reason behind this entry is because so many sub/slave forget their submission when it comes to choices, things they want , it no longer becomes their Master choice, i'm not perfect i know, spoilt yes but perfect far from it, i wanted red kitchen cupboard, MG liked black, we are having red, MG likes red , they were his idea originally, the floor is to be black so i think He conceded but my point is submission is fine and cool, fun etc when its going all the sub/slaves way, when it becomes a pain how many stick with it. ? one sub i know recently said to me "i'm glad i don't have a time to go to bed"......... i go when i'm told it's fine with me.that's how it is, if MG wishes to watch the sports channel, we watch the sports channel (i've learnt to enjoy cricket, cant say the same of football since i became MG slave) but my point is submission isnt always plesant sometimes the ideas behind it suck its at those times when the real sub/slaves get sseen.Keep the faith

How long have i waited

First lets take a step back in time: to when going over my Masters knee was a daily occurrence. That of course was pre-stroke way back in November 2005.Now please don't get me wrong being spanked was not as a punishment but because my Master enjoyed spanking me and i love it, cause thats how i am.. anyway i digress. since that awful day in November 2005 for various reasons spanking has not been on any ones agenda. mine as i couldn't get onto my knees well enough to facilitate the act has been my main issue. MG wasn't happy to inflict pain on me for fear of compounding my already fragile state, it isnt always about slave limits we have both needed the time to come to terms with our situation and i think the time is about right, we have vision again, clarity of how things might be again. Time heals (to a certain extent )and we move on so we have recently purchased a "spanking dress" which kinda cries out saying "spank me spank me"i'm sure you'll agree. Now you might think that buying the dress say its coming however i'm a good little slave and i never allowed the anticipation of the arrival by mail of the dress to run away with me, just patiently waited. The day arrived, we tried me in the dress early in the day, great fit (altho could do with loosing a few pounds here and there but arse sticks out just nice and coyly waiting.now the anticipation starts to build as MG say "tonight slave" woo... 18months waiting not bad for a slave who want and wants now!!!!! day passes oh so slowly but eventually kids go to bed.. slave takes her bath..and we are upstairs Master buckles me into the dress, i kneel and a hair brush appears, now i need to add here that paralysis is just that not no feeling, in fact my left side is hyper sensitive, that includes my left butt cheek and no uses for 18months im soft so just a small first outing for us both, plenty of time to catch up on whats lost now. i shall look forward to ever more spanking session once again. . Each little step brings us closer to our goal of once more living day by day as Master and slave. Yes a long time coming but well worth the wait im sure.

Thank you Sir.

recinded

In retrospect i am withdrawing my request of yesterday. i could just remove the post but i feel that i need a reminder of how easierly i could have brushed so much aside. why the change of heart. i re read my slave contract , spoke a lot to me.

sub v's slave

Following previous blog, iv'e thought about this a lot and subsequently am asking MG to allow me to revert to sub as opposed to slave. why .? i don't feel i am fulfilling the role of slave and until i do or can again id rather be sub once more. im not going to go into why here thats a matter between MG and i but suffice to say i hope He will allow my request.Until the time arrives when we can see past the disabilities the stroke left me with and see the submissive once and go about our business in am appropriate manner i see no point in fooling myself into the slave image.

loosing the way

i lay in the bath, no lets be honest. i don't lay in a bath i wallow, there are two kinds of bath for me. the first is to remain sitting on the bath hoist wash and get out usually employed when im at home alone. my favorite is to get off the hoist MG will take it out the bath so i can lay and soak, this is where i do my thinking. Anyway back to the story, i was soaking in the bath the other day and i thought i really should resume writing my blog, but in a different way to previous methods. so here goes.
We/we have lost our way i think B/both of us we have not been able as yet to find our way back to our M/s at the pre stroke level, things happen that im sure wouldn't have gone unnoticed prior also things don't happen that once did. no one is at fault, just the way it seems to be . we cannot make thing happen it has to flow naturally. we don't do false/fake moves, its a shame for both myself as slave and MG as Master that we had once move so far forward along the road only to be felled by the stroke and its subsequent restrictions, we struggle with those restrictions not only due to my inabilities now but because the girls have changed/got older and require slightly different handling. but we continue to try with little sparks. It has been said that M/s is a mind thing. of course i would whole heartedly agree to some extent but as an example you can tell yourself every day that your beautiful but if every single time you look in the mirror what stares back is not a raging beauty you become slightly ever so disillusioned. you need to feel and see the beauty once in a while to be able to hold the image. M/s for me is the same , i need to feel it as well as believe it to have it consume me totally. i wish to be my Master whore again as once i was but not putting too fine a point on it sex with physical impairments is not as easy as one would imagine and a whore need to be able to dance across her Master body with fingers and move in a way that i know longer can.. im sure it has a bearing, mind yes but only as part its a whole package, reality is being realistic and mine at present is not firing on all cylinders and if im not chances are nore is MG, we struggle constantly to be as good as we can i in my submission MG in his Dominance but life has a habit of never making it easy , sometimes the easy way isnt the right way but who amongst us wouldnt take the easy route.its a natrual way, a course, set if you wish a route mapped out but in this case someones put a line of bollards up so we cant travel along the road needed to get us to our intended destination.

Where We Are Now. written by MG

I have sat here this evening, for the last few hours contemplating very carefully where cleo and I are at within our D/s. We have spoken several times recently as she continues to recover from the stroke, about regaining some of the true essence of our personal D/s which, by force of circumstance we had lost this past year or so.

The last few days cleo has been pushing more and more against the sub/slave thing, in a sense testing me, but also telling me that she may be ready now. I believe that the time has come.
We are at a position where we could take either of two routes in our lives from here on. The first would simply be to continue as we are, doing the things we do, and simply being cleo and MG, but without too many sparks.

If we choose that option I am sure we would be happy, but I am convinced that neither of us would ever be completely fulfilled: we may be happy but not fulfilled.

Our needs will never be quenched, and the fact that we agreed to live as Master and slave will take more and more of a back seat.The fact is that when cleo signed the slave contract with me she agreed to let me decide upon the course which our lives would follow:

I accepted the responsibility to always act in her best interests, and up to now since the stroke those best interests have been served by leading a more vanilla lifestyle than a D/s one.

There are many factors which have contributed to that decision; for example, for several months after coming out of the hospital she was emotionally quite brittle, and physically quite fragile in many ways too. Spanking, cropping and other forms of physical play were more often than not out of the question, as the results would likely have been pain and anguish rather than pain and pleasure.

Where We Are Going

Just this last few days i can see a change in her, and so, the decision is made: our D/s will now come to the fore again. Of course there are still some things where she is challenged, but i am convinced that with time and a vision of where we are going, they will be overcome, in ways we may not even know yet, but overcome they will be.It is my intention that we will use the time we have to interact better with each other, and to further extend our D/s within the lifestyle circles that as yet we have not moved within.I will push cleo from now on, she will accept this course as the choice, and the decision of her Master. Having said that I know that this is the right choice for both of us, and no doubt I will have more to say on this subject as we move forward in the next days, weeks and months.

3rd October~such a long time

i hadn't realised how long it had been since i wrote this blog maybe its because i have other one i am require to write each day that poor satin gets forgotten, which is wrong because i should be adding here as well as this is my site where i can spill all that is right and wrong with me.
so hows it all going we are coming to the year anniversary of my stroke and over the last few days, you get to thinking about this and that, some the upside, some the down, you know how it is.
You can't always be up, and i still sometimes have those "why me?" moments, but they don't seem to last long. However, i would like to take the time to let you dear readers know how i think i'm progressing, so here we go.
The Leg and my walk: is kind of "not too bad"; i feel i still look like a thunderbird puppet, but Sarah says i look like i've just hurt my ankle. Talking of Sarah, she has gone off to university but will be returning home most weekends to watch over her poor old mam !! as she isn't that far away really.
Arm and hand: Nothing, not a flicker, so its about adaptation. learning to do all the daily things with the one good one i've got which is my right hand. Thank goodness i am right handed. Some things i can do; some zips do up really easily while some are buggers. Bra? forget it.. help required! There are ways around most things: i've learnt how to peel potatoes one handed, i use a drawer to wedge things in to open bottles and to pull can ring-pulls. There are obviously some things i don't have a chance with, but i have my family around to help me. Food i cant cut up.. so im a bit of a baby at meal times, also i still make a mess of my face but that's because the left side of my mouth/face is still a bit numb sometimes, and i cant always feel if my mouth is closed.

I've noticed this week (and the ladies will understand this) i cant roll my lips around when applying lipstick; a silly thing but one that is noticeable to me. Other than that, life goes on, we have got the Nissan X-Trail now and my scooter of course. Next stop is to get my driving assessed so i can drive myself: not that i am all fired up to do that, just that it might be needed so it's something to get sorted sooner rather than later.

Been doing the walking on treadmill. I have to ask James when i see him in October why i can walk great on the treadmill, but get off and I'm a puppet again. I am also trying to build up the muscle in my upper leg and strengthen my knees which due to lack of use are getting stiff. i don't bend my left knee because at present the ankle doesn't flex at all so i move my leg from my hip: hard to explain really, but this is what creates the puppet-like movement. There are days when i feel the walk flows a bit better and others when it doesn't. Apart from all that i'm fine; life could be better, but it could be far far worse. Be thankful for small mercies, is what i say.
Regarding our M/s, we move onward always.. a small step at a time but none the less still froward. never back, i do all i can do to be a good slave, i still make mistake even after 5 years.. MG still has to correct me often but it what we do and neither of us would wish it any other way.
cleo.

slave Bells

A row of silver slave bells attached to a silver chain by little O-rings, this elegant and sexy anklet is worn low on the ankle and adds a dazzling highlight to any foot. It has a small hook and O-ring clasp and is adjustable up to 11".
i have my collar which i never take off as it can be worn as a normal item of jewellery and is only known to lifestyle folk its real meaning but my new bells. i am happy to tell when ask what jingles i proudly say my slave bells. altho many would not understand why i feel the need for more outward signs of my place, it is something i like as does MG. i find that i am always having to explain in some fashion or other why we do what we do, why can people not just accept. anyone one would think we had two heads or something are we so odd, i dont think so

slave contract

After the handfasting, wedding the only thing left undone was the slavery contract, which we have now completed after a long time in finding the words that are right for us.
It can be viewed here

Contract

A change of attitude as for a long time slavery was not the direction we were ever thinking of going but it now seems a natrual course and altho i have been slave for quite a while the contract wasnt something to write up over night. so we have though a lot about it, until now when it is complete.

There is a saying

There is a saying in Tibetan,
"Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength."
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is,
if we lose our hope, that's our real disaster.

-His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama
Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the
boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch,
taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the
last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.

Need to submit..all over again

For some reason of late i have had this huge desire to submit and submit deeply.. i have this urge desire whatever you wanna call it to be slave again, little things that i can do become hugely important to me, my problem is that no one else seems to see this and other than saying it out loud.. look at me, im ready to be Your slave again. im not sure how to make my point that i am so so ready to take up where i left off. Master has said this last week that the fragility has past and he is right i want .. so badly. i need to be Dommed again..but it isn’t in my nature to ask and even if it were MG has to be on the same wave length as i am and im not sure He is quite yet. We are taking thing up but it just not fast enough for me, however even that is good because i am having to submit to Master’s snails pace and wait.. Waiting isn’t a game i am very good at.. i am a "want it and want it now" kinda person but i am also aware that patience isnt a strong suit of mine and if i have to be told to wait in Master time. i will get there.. i am in some small way submitting and i need even the smallest amount right now. i feel i am starving for submission, it has been quite a while as following my ill health Master has been (naturally) reluctant to go too deep into our M/sand i have been allowed to relax so much into a state of non slave.. now i feel its time to get back to where we were before all this, is that topping i wonder.. i guess it might be.. slave wants.. hey isn’t it meant to be Master who decides.. Best i just sit quietly and wait until my Master is ready.

Fate or Destiny?

i have to say here and now, dont get me wrong, it not about "a higher power" or anything like that, but i had a realisation this last few days regarding my situation. It goes something like this:i am not anything special; i may be an inspiration to some (so i am told) but believe me, i certainly am not anything special, i just try to make the best of what i have, for me and mine.However i have thought recently that maybe, as i have often experienced in other situations in my life, that the stroke was some kind of fate or my destiny. i was never going to die, i didn't come anywhere near dying because it wasnt my time. So, i am meant to be here for some reason. Never in my muddled life has anything happened to me that hasnt had some kind of silver lining. i recall in the early days of recovery i tried to find what that silver lining was, i couldnt see it then, now maybe i am thinking and ill be really frank here; if the roles had been reversed, had the stroke happened to MG and not me, my family might have suffered far more. i would have really struggled to cope with not only MG being ill but all the other effects now so i am disabled but i am alive to give to mine what i can, maybe MG and i would still be only planning our wedding had we not had the incentive to do something about it.My girls have learned a valuable lesson here too: that life can be tough and to fend for themselves a little more than they knew before. My Sarah can cook most things now which she couldn't before and wash and iron as good as any housewife. Hannah has gained patience, and understands that she isnt due anything free , that life itself isn't a free ride.Having said all that and if i am destined to be in this situation, it also follows that if the hand/arm is meant to regain some movement it will. Of course that doesn't mean i am going to stop with the work or the effort i have to put in daily to continue that improvement; as i said: "nothing in life is free".Nothing in my life has ever been free, so i'll continue with my daily struggle to regain control of my body as a whole, but my vision is altered; no longer do i think "why me?" or how bad things are. Now i look for that silver lining that i am sure is there. i am happy again with myself, with life, and with who i am. Sure if i had the chance to do without the disability i would, but i also think what might have been the cost to others of that and would it be worth it? to not be in this current situation. Who knows ?If I hadn't had the stroke and someone else had that doesnt mean they too wouldnt have coped: sure they would, differently maybe, but it was my turn and right now i am happy with my lot in life. It has never been average, i wasnt meant to have an average life. Do take care people. Life is too short and too precious, so look to tomorrow rather than what might have been before.Tomorrow is a new adventure, grasp it with both hands.

What i can and what i cannot do..

Here's a thought. it was pointed out to me that i should be pleased with myself in what i can achieve.. i added that that was a lot of my problem these days.i dont see what i can do.. i see what i cant.... example, the lawn needed mowing. i helped sarah but it wasnt as good as i have done in the past... so i see it as a backward effort... not that its an achievement more that i cannot do it as ionce did, that also applies to my M/s, its about what we once had, and what little we have left, i know i should try looking at it and be pleased with where we can still go and in time i am sure i will do that.right now, i pine for what once was, i cant help it, i so feel the loss of many aspects of my life... but thats enough of that i said i dont intend this to become an extension of the recovery blog.

I'm still kicking

haven’t wanted to write here for some time now, i guess because i didn’t want this blog to become an extension of the Road to recovery blog or stroke base as this is my M/s placed... that too has sorta been a bit off the track as well and therefore i had not very much to write about, other than my lack of ability to be the slave i once was, or wish to be. but as has been rightly said submission isn’t just physical so, time moves on, as do we all, life continues at a pace, albeit mine at considerably slower than it was, but altho different, we still retain the M/s, i still submit to Master’s wishes, but, now maybe his wishes have altered, as they tend to be more for my benefit than his, but we are a team, husband/wife.. Master/slave, however one wishes to see the relationship. things change, move on, but we are still us, we still desire to be M/s, its in our heart, so we remain, i try to do what i can, within my rehab Master has a firm grip on me and if nothing else, knows how to extend my limits for my own good, altho maybe not the limits he has pushed before, but limits none the less and of course as i am pushed, i achieve more each day and get better as i develop ways to improve my lot in life, i adapt, my skills as i need to adapt my M/s, only time will tell, how well i am doing, but happy as happy as i can be, i pine for what is lost... but it is lost so we must move forward, continue with what we have and make the best of things.

Stroke survivors often lose emotional control. At times we experience uncontrollable laughter suddenly to start to cry for no obvious reason. Sometimes it is depression that we may feel following the abrupt change in our lives. But often it is due to brain injury and not directly connected with depression. People who are a part of a stroke survivors life often assume when a stroke survivor is laughing they are happy or if they are crying they are sad. This is a mistake. It is inspiring to read stories, but also important to point out that some days you can just sit and cry for no reason at all and those days are just as important to your road to recovery, as the days you will spend laughing.

Darkest moments

The darkest moments of our lives are not to be buried and forgotten, rather they are a memory to be called upon for inspiration to remind us of the unrelenting human spirit and our capacity to overcome the intolerable i will survive.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. i'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that i loved . You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your life as it is for your lovers. Your lifestyle is going to fill a large part of your days and time, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to live what you believe is a great way of life. And the only way is to love what you do and how you are. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.
If you put your mind to it and you believe it, you can achieve it. You
cannot give up -- even if the road is a tough road.

my Husband and i

The meaning of life is the day- to-day living of it.

i sit at the pc a lot lately yet i have little desire to write in my blog..i avidly read Master's blog "diary of a stroke" but actually writing myself or doing more to my site hold little interest for me right now, maybe in time i will pick them up again, who knows. the wedding looms 14th Feb.. all is ready , the handfasting is coming along fine and will be a day to remember 21st June i am looking forward more to the June date than the Feb one not sure why.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> The dress>>>>>... i am not into frills aqnd i am a bride who gets to wear her wedding dress twice and this style is more suitable for the handfasting soon i will not only be slave to MG but his wife...i am positive about the future. Life is a different challenge now .i am looking forward to the experience. The meaning of life is the day- to-day living of it. You only get one chance for each 24 hours.

How may i better serve You . Master

whatever happened to my trust and faith. did i loose that when i had this stroke, where has all this doubt come from i wonder or is it fears. yes i have fears but the fear i am talking about should be long gone , why should these fear haunt me as they do right now. i love my Master beyond life itelf and i know he loves me. so banish doubts slave, serve your Master as only you can do. and as he wants you too,brush fear aside and stand tall and proud of who you are: slave to MG now and alway.. so some thing have to be approach differently for a while but that doesnt change who you are serve your Master as best you can see to his needs as he see's to yours. the family is everything

get a grip

how could i be so selfish and not consider my Master and children in my own dispair, thinking only about me..."oh wow is me"...well its time i thought about others ,anyway self pity will not help..grow up woman.. get a grip. they give everything and i just make it harder for them that isnt right. My Master and my kids have their own trauma and demons to deal with they dont need me making this any harder.And still thy give:-
To my cleo: I love you, and will do anything in my power to help you get better. Whatever it takes, I will do. We are the best team there is, and our strength lies in our love for each other. Take that love and harness it, use it for whatever you need. I will be there, whether it takes a week, a month a year or the rest of our lives.
extract from diary of a stroke by MG
time i considered them in all this it has had a fundamental affect on them all as well as me.. ok so i am the one whom has to cope with the obvious result the bit we can all see, their trauma is hidden but is still as damaging,i am resolvedto be a bit mor considerate from now on..!!!stop making this harder than it already is for any of us.

Jack and Gill went up the hill

well in this case Gill would keep trying to climb the hill independently of Jack and there are going to be time when Gill falls down. i have fallen twice now on both occasions i was unharmed other than fear and on both occasions i was in our bedroom without any shoes on. lesson learnt. the carpet in our bedroom is slippery.
i have to try i am going to fall, what i have to do is try to see that i am unharmed so that i am able to get right back up and try again. i will not spend the rest of my life sitting down. i will walk again.MG says i have courage. i am not so sure. right now i am ready to admit i am scared of life but i am also scared of the alternative. silly reallly 2 month ago life was a breeze. Now like a child i have to learn all the things we take for granted, like walking and like a child i am going to fall i just have to learn from that experience, my advantage is that unlike a child i have the intelligence to know that i need to learn from my mistake. how many time have we all said, "if i knew then what i know now", well i have the chance to redo a lot of thing, i don’t want to make them better i was very happy with the walk i had, in fact i was proud of my walk,i just want it back as it was, i watch people walk down the street, young, old and wonder if people really appreciate the way their bodies carries them around with such ease, i have to admit that i certainly didn’t, i jumped into the car like most people, never gave a thought to the way we as human walk on two legs now i do, when it too late, but i shall get back the ability i have promised myself, my children my Master that i will return to my former self in time, be patience with me..

Popups

I'd like to take an opportunity to apologize to all of my readers for the annoying popup's that have been happening on my blog over the past few weeks. These were not my doing.When I started this blog a year or so ago, I put a Nedstat Basic counter on it to keep track of my site usage statistics. This worked well, and I found it to be a good service. A few weeks ago, I got an email telling me that Nedstat had been sold to another company and was being rebranded as Webstats4U, and the site had a new look and feel. Unfortunately, it seems this was not the only change to the service.Over the past couple of weeks, I noticed popup's when I visited certain blog's (including my own blog) and was starting to worry my computer had become infected with spy ware. Then, today, I did a bit of research and found that these popup's were being generated by Webstats4U. Here is an article that gives all of the background on it.I hate popups, and will not condone them on my blog. meter is removed hopefully along with the popups
regards cleo

happy valentines day

Well, today we just have one little thing to tell everyone. We have set the date for our wedding! It's booked: 14th February, Valentine's day. Call us mad, or silly, or whatever you want, but that was a date that just happened to come up, and so, we did it.Now, theres much organising to do for a wedding in 5 weeks time, although we have decided to make the registry office ceremony a family affair only, with a couple of friends as witnesses and close family only. Our plan is that we shall have a much larger ceremony in June, which will be a handfasting ceremony. This ceremony is more in keeping with our choices compared to the modern day marriage ceremony, although of course to be legally married we must do that too, hence both ceremonies.Physio again today and James worked hard on my arm and hand, trying to get the various muscle groups in the arm/shoulder/hand area to "fire" voluntarily. What this means is that with stimulation, such as tapping, or touching or manipulation these muscles will work, but as yet i does not have voluntary control of them, i.e. i cannot yet "remember" how to make them work. Tomorrow James is going to try some electrical stimulation of the leg and arms, and see what comes of that.It's still quite early on in the average recovery time which is thought to be about 90 days, and so we have high hopes of getting something in the arm before then.i has also decide i am not getting married in a wheelchair, so I am sure that target is the main one now. 5 weeks for me to get up onto my feet and be standing and even walking on my own so the wheelchair is not seen on 14th February!I have every faith that i will do it.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger

My MSN profile which was written some 5 years ago read as follows :
Occupation Mum and 24/7 slave

A Little About Me
24/7 slave to my MG, willing to serve him in every way, always... he is my life.
Favorite Things
You have to make the most of every day, always look forward and learn from the good and the bad things that happen.My Master.24/7. TPE

We must not let the negative rule our lives.that which does not kill us makes us stronger.Favorite Quote
"This above all: To thine own self be true. And it must follow as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man"William Shakespeare (1564-1616).
now in 2006 i have to add "Stroke victim November2005".. but it didnt kill me so i will make myself stronger in adversity Tosee progress of my Road to Recovery go to www. http://diaryofastroke.blogspot.com

the new year 2006

it time to take stock and beging afresh.. a new page in my life... not a retrograde step just a time to grow as me once again..peel off the old coat get in the fashion.. today i made a decision.. all the time people do for me i will never do for myself again..so to my family who i know only have my best at heart..you must let me try.. i may fall.. but i know you will all be there if i do.. and wipe away the tears i cry...for which i shall be eternally gratefull.but i have to stand on my own two feet literally or i never will and i so wish to be mother to my children again and slave to my Master, with this in mind i walked across the physio gym this afternoon unaided..at home later i walked across our kitchen.. my sarah cried to watch me...good crying she said just to see her mum stand upright unaided i think..that there is still some resembalance of past time left and that sarah can see maybe a light at the end of her tunnel..as she has stepped up to the plate and into my shoes poor thing has worked so hard to keep thing on an even keel lately..so itwas time i gave her a break tonight..and prepared dinner myself..i cannot move carrying things that has still to come but it will but i can do my bit and i intend to from now on..this isnt going to make me a useless bag of lard..no way no how

Eat my own words

Looking back over my last few entries. i guess i was in need of some changes and boy did i get them. pieces missing, change is as good as a rest...etc etc. well thing has certainly changed but now i sit and desire earlier timeslol. one step sat a time (talk about fickle), how things were before the stroke.but we cannot always have what we desire.. i have to keep fighting just to regain some resemblance of my former self.. i will prevail..i will walk again, i will sub to my master again that is now my focus .....to do what i have alway done fo him, which right now i am not capable off, in the mean time i will acheive the quality of life we all have once again but the focus is for me to serve my Master and be able to be mother to my children. careful what you wish for is all i can say. i have my goals all achieable i believe.. time and my detirmination will show if i have the grit need to make at least some inroad for myself.i shall damn well try.Season Greeting to all roll on 2006.. thing can only get better

been a while

finally back to real life after one month in the hospital.i have suffered what i am told was a dense stroke, which has left my left side paralysed. for info on my recover click here but for a few day over christmas i am home with my family and Master.my main concern now, oh i realise i have to give myself time but still i fear i cannot be the slave to my Master that i once was. i cannot even simply kneel before him now , maybe in time but right now i am totally dependant on him for everything.. it was once the other way round . He asked . i did. now i asked he gets up..i want things the way they were
..amj i allowed one pout.. i think i can get away with one if i could stamp my foot i would but i would fall over. seasonas gretting to you all
good to be home for a while