live to serve

• If someone had told me few year ago that i could become completely, utterly exhausted just sitting in front of the computer for 9 hours, I’d have laughed
• If someone had told me i would actually BE sitting in front of the computer, barely moving, for nine hours, brain spinning madly I’d have laughed even harder.
• Yet here i find myself and will most happily defend my position against all and any boarders.
• i work, i will also defend that status too, because what i put in each day is as much as any other person who works, albeit mine is voluntary, i supply a service, it’s what i do and who i am
• Work and live to serve others, to leave the world a little better than you found it and garner for yourself as much peace of mind as you can. This is happiness.
David Sarnoff

Abbey Road~The End~

I have completely given up trying to figure out what the hell attracts people to this blog and why. However, since lately so many visitors seem to be dropping in it must have something
.And so it goes. July already, spinning quickly into August and before we know it December Christmas and another year end.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to stay positive and make plans for my summer.

I just turned 55 a few weeks ago. In this past year, my life has certainly changed in ways, and stayed much the same in others. I've seen my family remain close while undergoing individual trials and tribulations; I've gained new friends while watching others drift out of my life; and I've tried adding new and exciting activities to the mix.

But guess what? Maybe I'm not much wiser, because what i wrote a year ago (Happy Birthday to me, June. 30 2009) still basically holds true, so I'm just going to repeat it here:
Every day of my life has led me to this exact place and time, just as it should be. The true measure of success is how many loved ones you gather, not how much wealth. You get what you give. And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make (credit: The Beatles). Lennon misquoted the line slightly; the actual words are, "And, in the end, the love you take/ Is equal to the love you make." ...
The pure love that you generate towards others comes back to you in equal measure. At the end of your life, the purity of your mind as reflected in the selfless love that you have generated in the past, attracts the corresponding positive forces, which help support you, Here's to the next part of the journey ...

"What is this guy thinking!"

How many times have you wondered, "What is this guy thinking!" If you want to get into a man's heart, you have to start by getting into his head. The problem is many men have a hard time being open about their thoughts and feelings.
According to Wiki:-Armed with the following five techniques, a man can feel more comfortable opening up to you, so you can develop better communication with him and, ultimately, enjoy a better relationship.
1 Let him know you care about what he is saying
2. Be nonjudgmental.
3. Don't use the word "why
4. Never say, "We need to talk."
5. Learn how to really listen.

As slave i don’t try to figure out what Master is thinking, i never try to "guess" what He want because He will tell me what He want, one way or another.i never try and look for His motives behind any order because if He want me to know, He will make sure i know.
End of story.
It’s as simple as that for me., i'll ignore the 5 steps, who needs them ?

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not (originally effeuiller la marguerite in French) is a game of French origin, in which one person seeks to determine whether the object of their affection returns that affection or not.

A person playing the game alternately speaks the phrases "He (or she) loves me," and "He loves me not," while picking one petal off a flower (usually an oxeye daisy) for each phrase. The phrase they speak on picking off the last petal supposedly represents the truth between the object of their affection loving them or not. The player typically is motivated by attraction to the person they're speaking of while reciting the phrases. They may seek to reaffirm a pre-existing belief, or act out of whimsy.

The pronoun He, with a universally capitalized H, is often used to refer to a Higher being.

my He, my Sir

He is intelligent. i like having discussions with him. i enjoy his perspective and that he teaches me new things!

He has an amazing amount of patience!

He is a very generous man. He gives so much.

He takes care of me when i am sick. When i am tired he always knows what best

I feel at times he does things for a reason but i just can't figure out why.

My list could go on and on. i just feel very privileged to be owned by Him and serve Him! i love YOU, Master!

When I Am an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple.

It's a declaration of defiance, vividly and clearly expressed. Appealing to the rebel in all of us as we secretly learn to throw of the shackles of propriety and enjoy the freedom of cocking a hoot at the rest of the world.
The poem tells of a respectable middle-aged woman, as she indulges in her fantasy of a grabby old crone with her outrageous clothes and dotty behaviour.As follows :-

Warning - When I Am an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple.
By Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple

with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves

and satin candles, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired

and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells

and run my stick along the public railings

and make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain

and pick the flowers in other people's gardens

and learn to spit.



You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat

and eat three pounds of sausages at a go

or only bread and pickles for a week

and hoard pens and pencils and things in boxes.



But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

and pay our rent and not swear in the street

and set a good example for the children.

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised

When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Guilty

I’ve felt guilty for not writing this blog as often as i have wanted to in the last few weeks. Thinking about why this happens sometimes, i can of course blame it on being occupied with various things, but really i think it comes down to expecting too much . i have a number of goals,that i am still far from attaining. i have a pretty clear idea of what i like, but i often feel that i am not in the right mood...too tired, too busy, or whatever... to lives up to my own standards let alone any one else’s.

But the real mistake here is to let that stop me from trying that would be a retrograde step indeed... even with just a few words at a time.
i need to remember, that real progress comes about mainly through the little steps we take on the path towards our goals. The steps that count most are the ones that no one congratulates us for, when we tripped up a little or even just accomplished some small success. Countless little steps cover far more distances than great marathons ever will.

Whatever it is that may be taking place in my life or in the world around me, there is invariably something beautiful there waiting to be discovered… but the approach to that beauty requires humble steps, patient walking, and a steadfast resolution not to let expectations get in the way.
i know i can do this, i just have to keep trying...

Dream

I dream, i desire so many things from within our M/s, i know that i have a need, it can almost be called an urge, to feel his dominance, his power, his control. i know i want this, i know i need it and yet, when it is there, it hurts, its almost to painful to bear sometimes and yet, it is who we are, it is what we do, it is what we have both said over and over again, what we give to one another. >So why, when it is there, do i struggle with it so. oh sure, i can write about all the ideas of the slave struggling with her submission, sure, i am struggling, sure i get pissed off when i have given 99.9% and it's still not enough, but then there is this spark in me that says……...sheeeshhh woman, of course it isn't, you have to give the other 0.01%, only when you have given that can you say you have given it everything you have and only then will your Master be happy with what you have done, so stop the moaning, you gave yourself, totally, even down to the 0.01% when you accepted his collar and became his slave, no half measures here.

Oh but i struggle.

i struggle with the not having, i moan about not feeling my Masters hand, mentally or physically, when the outside influences get in the way for weeks on end, my Master can literally bring me to my knees. Try as i might to deny the notion that a sub/slave punishes herself far more than her Master ever can... its right, i do.

i am not feeling his dominance, in fact, i had said much the same many times before, but now it feels different it’s almost like we are becoming a nilla old couple. He is far too soft and allowed me to get away with far too much, which i bet He won’t agreed with because he does.


i am looking for answers here. Thank you for listening

darkest moments

The darkest moments of our lives are not to be forgotten, rather they are memories to be called upon for inspiration to remind us of the unrelenting human spirit and our capacity to overcome the intolerable.

Our time is limited, so don't waste it. Have courage, follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want. Everything else is secondary. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. i'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that i loved and that i love . find what you love. Our lifestyle is going to fill a large part of our days, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to live what you believe is a great way of life. And the only way is to love what you do. If you put your mind to it and you believe it, you can achieve anything, everything. You cannot give up -- even if the road is a tough road.

Time Marches on

My theory is that each of us has within us, desires/wants/needs... to give and receive love and attention cause believe it or not even a man, even a Dominant gives, its not all about the sub giving and the Dom taking, not if the D/s is being done properly. Follow your desires and you are likely to end up with a pretty good and satisfying relationship. D/s is an extension of a normal loving relationship where there is give and take, that both are needed to keep an even balance between the two parties and so that they compliment one another. Add to that the D/s factor of absolute trust and total commitment and you have the foundation of a solid unbreakable bond between two human beings. Does this make one partner better than the other, more able to live life in a proper manner, better equipped to face what the big bad world has to throw at them, i don’t think so. Master or sub/slave, i am sure both are quite capable of living life, making decisions etc, the difference is that a sub chooses not to have to do that and is more content to give that responsibility over to another.

We have to be careful tho, not to fall into a rut and end up in a comfort zone where it is so easy to just let each day pass by without us even noticing. Comfort zones are those place where it is easier to just sit back and accept what we have as happy, when what we really have is nothing short of boring existence because we are too lazy or too bored or just plain cant be bothered to alter things.

We all change, nothing ever stands still, over time we develop new ideas, new beginnings etc but whatever it is we do, time has a habit of moving on with or without our knowledge or permission, we have to be aware that it happens and try our best not to become complacent and let things ride or before any of us know it, we are in the cirle of round and round we go and wouldnt life be really boring, if it was always the same, (the film Ground Hog Day springs to mind, the same day over and over again with the predicted result every time). That’s not for me. Things have to move on, they have to progress to bigger and better, they have to evolve, however...

Seems like only yesterday that my kids were little. Now, i have two very nearly grown young ladies, problem with that is a) i want my lil babies back cause they were really cute when younger, b) if they are growing up, where does that put me.. in the "old" bracket, that’s where !

Seriously, i could say that with age comes experience and all that stuff about been there done that but what i really wanted to say was this...

If i had the chance to do it all over again, would i... not a chance, even the shite bits i am happy with and ill tell you why, because it all, down to the really crappiest bits have made me, who i am, and who i am has moulded my life to where it is right now.. with Him, with the man i love, with my Master, with my submission, with my life just as i would wish it to be.

Non negotiable

i am submissive but submissive only to my Master. i think i am also, highly opinionated, infuriatingly out spoken at times and not very good at diplomacy but all that aside... what i am NOT, is someone who will simply follow the crowd.
i feel it is becoming more difficult and time consuming to keep beating my head against the wall, trying to help others, and at the same time defend our reality when so many people and places we once frequented now prefer fantasy. As far as i am concerned, it is a waste of my time. But we must not turn our back on those who may wish to learn about the lifestyle. It is depressing to remain where some are turning this lifestyle into a joke, and only for those who truly wish to learn about all that is good in this lifestyle we love...is it worth the effort to remain...other than that i would quite happily switch of my computer and never enter a chat room or community again... my life with my Master and the kids and if...and i say a definite if....if we have time..we shall give a little back... but only after we have given all we can to one another and the children.

Real life comes before anything else..that’s non negotiable, that’s how it has to be, our time together seems to get shorter, i'm not going to waste it on those who have no care or thought beyond their own. We give and we give more but how much more and for how long? Who knows, we are just the people we have always been, we do what we do, for ourselves, our family and for those truly who want to learn.

MY Best Friend

I never had no one
I could count on
I�ve been let down so many times
I was tired of hurtin�
So tired of searchin�
�til you walked into my life
It was a feelin�
I�d never known
And for the first time
I didn�t feel alone

You�re more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
I don�t know where I�d be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You�re my best friend
You�re my best friend, oh yeah

You stand by me
And you believe in me
Like nobody ever has
When my world goes crazy
You�re right there to save me
You make me see how much I have
And I still tremble
When we touch
And oh the look in your eyes
When we make love

You�re more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don�t know where I�d be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You�re my best friend
You�re my best friend

You�re more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don�t know where I�d be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You�re my best friend
You�re my best friend (my best friend)
You�re my best friend (my best friend)

Fetishes

Shoe's or leather or both. Leather is a fetish, so the BDSM scene will tell you, shoes and the accompanying feet are also a fetish so i guess it is ok to put then in the same blog as a single entity.
Fetishes.
There are some out there that would make your hair stand up on end and then there are those that a lot of people are involved in, of course, to the nilla world they are all just plain kink and are sick and depraved but within the lifestyle, your kink is yours and as long as you are happy with it, who is to say that it is wrong. my kink certainly isnt going to be the same as yours or anyone else's and as long as each is practised with the SSC code in mind, then enjoy yourself and do whatever it is that satifies the urge in you.
The list is endless, well not quite, but it is certainly long and with many a variation and it would be wrong of anyone to say that any kink, whatever its nature is anything other than the pleasure of the person involved ( i do draw the line of course at the yukky ones ie beastiality, incest, children etc, as do all true and honest lifestylers, these has no place within the realms of the lifestyle).
Age play, Asphyxiation play, Blood play, Chastity, Control scene, Daddy/Mummy, Degradation, Dirty sports, Discipline scene, Dog & Master scene, Domination scene, Edge play, ElectricityPlay, Enemas, Exhibitionism, Extreme play, Fantasy Play ....endless but each a valid feitsh to the person whom it holds a fasination for Fetish. Anything, which has been, invested with special sexual significance, e.g. Latex, Leather, Rubber, Silk, PVC, Uniforms, Boots, etc. It may also include also certain smells (e.g. of underclothes) and possibly tastes.
Fetishist.
A person with a strong fetish.

Fetish scene. The fetish community, a group which includes people with a tolerance of, and often an interest in, BDSM. Many BDSMers have found that being part of the fetish scene is considered more acceptable to outsiders than being part of the BDSM scene.
So my liking for shoes and leather makes me one of those i guess, and very proud of it i am too...only isue is now my shoe passion cannot be fulfilled as my practical need for shoes that i can actually walk in far far outweights the fetish one, however i have keep all my stillettoes hoping one day maybe ill get to wear them gain(unlikley, but whats life without dreams)

Life is too short

I give my submission to MG.. What does that mean... everything and nothing special really, not to anyone else anyway. However, for me and i am the only one that it has any bearing on, it says, Master, i want to be with you, i want to please you, i want to take care of you, i want to be there every minute of every day to make sure that every need, desire, whim, you name it... if there is any way that in being here beside you that i can enhance or fulfil or satisfy any one of those items, then, i am here and i am ready willing and able to do whatever it takes to see that you are happy.
Is that submission, Is that slavery? Is that a kink? Who knows... but for me it is what i have and what i offer and i am lucky in that MG wants that from me.
And in return... what do i get..( woo, is that very submissive, maybe not, but why shouldn’t i get something out of this relationship, i’ll tell you this, if i was not getting something back, i would be out of here in a flash and i challenge anyone to say they would stay in a relationship that was totally one-sided.) i get love and companionship and care and warmth etc......... i get a relationship that is so deep and so loving and whether i am submissive or MG is Dominant, who really gives a fig because at the end of the day, it works for us and we are happy and if we throw in a little or a lot of kink or D/s or BDSM while we get on with the life we have chosen to lead, and luckily we do and we both want that... is anyone going to say or label me as one thing or another... sure, if you want to...call me sub, call me slave, say i am not D/s... doesn’t make one jot of difference to how MG and i live our lives.
i know D/s couples, online and real time, i know single Dom, i know single subs, i know single vanilla females and males, i know married vanilla couples, i know some who are just starting out on the life road and some who have been around for years... makes little difference who they are, what does make each unique is the choice they make for themselves, in the way they wish to live their lives and i for one am not about to say that one way is better or that what each chooses for themselves is right or wrong.
Enjoy whatever it is you have, call it whatever you wish because life is too short to worry about semantics. At the end of the day does it really matter, what we are called or what the definition of submissive or slave is. Does it really matter whether it's a total power exchange or bedroom D/s or public play, or if you live in a Dom/me/sub, Dom/me/slave relationship as long as each and every one of us is happy with the choices we have made.
Life is too short to worry about what other people think, i have found that out, to my cost sometimes, but not any more. ... i am cleo, slave to MG, mother to my children and very happy i am too.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

I went out the door this morning without a coat... Oh joy, for those who may live in warmer climes than the U.K you might think that a rather mundane thing to be joyous about and very likely unworthy of a blog entry, but U.K weather is fickle enough and often far too cold to be no coat weather. So the first day of the year when i don’t have to put on my coat at 7am to drive Master to the train station as i need the car today (which also means I’ll need to collect Him at 9.15pm tonight) is one of immense pleasure. I’m definitely a SAD person (Seasonal Affective Disorder, also known as winter depression or winter blues) not to the extent that i need artificial sunlight. Just a serious mood change when the seasons changes to cold dark morning, damp, bone chilling cold.. Oh the pleasure of British weather. But hell I’d not change being a Brit. i talk to many other nationalities in my work. My best net friend is an American girl who i’ve been pals with online for around 8 years now, she’s also sub so we have a fair bit in common as she was married to her Dom, i say was as they are now separated . Probably for the best, however single parent of 4 children under 16 is a struggle even in the UK with a lot of state benefits to help, she struggle daily with even just the very basics of food and housing. My point is the grass is not always greener on the other side, there is never a better place..The place you are at is the best place as it is Home

Private moments

i seem to get an awful lot of people following this site, i would really love to know what you all find so interesting, don’t get me wrong, im honoured so many people find the things i write worthy of being read and as so many of you do follow, I’ll let you into a secret, i have a mirror site to this one but that only has 1 follower my Master that’s His space and the posts i make there are sometimes the same as i make here but often contain the more personal aspect of our relationship, the things i don’t make public, we have always said we are happy to show an insight into our Master/slave relationship but private is private and will remain so.
the website that accompanies this blog is locate here http://www.satinandlace.seekers.org.uk
you are quite welcome to read if anyone wishes

Creature of habit

Creature of habit.. oh yes and today im knocked for six as my normal get up do a.b.c then go to work habit has been pulled from under me following a complete Buzzen shut down for network upgrades.
It’s likely to be a few days(3-7 recommended) before Buzzen’s back up and running so i need to make alternative plans for my days, Master has made a few suggestions, which of course although come out as you could … blah blah.. Really mean id like you to do….so some filing of papers that get left a long time in the in tray will get put away.
This blog will get some much needed attention, although secretly im hoping it’s only a day or 2 till i can go back to work @ "Buzzen Communications Network made especially for you! The service offers many free services to our registered members". ive never been a great one for working outside of my family duties, but this job is like my eye into the world now that i cannot physically interact with people as well as i once did, my fingers type the words that i once spoke, this way i can still be of use while no one has to stare at the broken cripple i have become (stroke survivor for those who don’t know) and i have a huge purpose, a reason to get up every day, i suppose if any other worker was given a week’s holiday, they would be over the moon, me, this creature of habit is kind of lost with no focus. But sitting here won’t help although blogging is therapeutic, lets you get it all out, still its time to find something else to do.

You are my reason

You are the reason why even at the Saddest
Parts of my life, i smile. Even at confusion,
i understand.Even in betrayal, i trust,
Even in fear of pain, i love you.

You are my reason

Why do i blog?

Because it give me even 10/15 minutes out of my otherwise often nilla day to considered who i am, to think of my submission to Master, This is for me a time in every single day where i can sit and focus “centre “ myself so to speak… on my very existence, on why i do what i do. So it most certainly isn’t one of those “He tied me up and did all these wonderful sexual things to me “those are a dime a dozen and for me come under the heading of “Private life” and will remain private.
This blog is about whom we are, not what we do. i am just a simple English lady who choose to give up on the stress filled hum drum of life and give my Husband/Master Carte blanche to decide on as many decision making areas of my life as He chooses. If we were rich and lived in a cottage with roses around the door, i could remain naked and chained all day every day, but we are not we lived in suburbia in the U.K, where it’s far too cold most of the year to not be dressed. Master has to go to work 5 days a week, leaving me to run our home, which i do to the best of my abilities now that i am quite severely restricted in my movements, but oh the love that fills this home is indescribable. The love of a wife for Her husband, of a Master for His slave, of extremely proud parents of two almost grown young ladies .What more could anyone ask for?

2010 It Spring again!

Well,2010 It Spring again!

Tired i cant believe how tired i feel today, more grouchy, bitchy, not myself, etc. ihave also noticed an increase in my stupid inability to get about.But yes i do realise its going to happen, but another year is upon us, Spring has sprung, days are getting longer, warmer too soon i hope, could do with some sunshine. Grass needs cutting means i need to get out into the garden and clear it.
Spring and "springtime" refer to the season, and broadly to ideas of rebirth, renewal and regrowth. The specific definition of "spring" as a season differs, in cultural and human terms.

Enrichment

“I am happy to give my permission for that”, was of course the answer i had hoped for, or one of them Sir, i had imagine various combinations of that along with perhaps additional restriction possibly making something more, im always looking for ways, excuses to enrich our D/s. But that answers the main question so slave thanks you Sir.
Enriching our D/s is very much in the forefront of my mind as im feeling its slipping again, yes i do appreciate real life and work etc and if You are genuinely happy with how things are then of course i am happy, but I’ll not stop looking to enhance what we have ever Sir

Grace

Being feminine is more than wearing a dress and heels and having your makeup perfect, although these are important. Being feminine is about being soft natured, being gentle, being quiet and being sweet. Control what you say, talk when you have something nice to say. Let your inner Angel shine.
The key for me personally is knowing that my Master is indulging in a way of life that makes him happy. To me because i know he can do exactly as He wishes for whatever reason means all the small things i give makes everything more pure and special!

Bitching

Truth be told i'm probably bitching far more than i'd like to be doing and for all the wrong reason, but the fact i know i am, means i can correct it. Not bitching at me or mine or Master just how my life pans out at present, my work in Buzzen is causing me more stress than i really need but its a huge part of my life so, the fact that i have to watch and monitor 500 arse holes, isn’t surprising some of it rubs off, but now I’ve said it out loud hopefully i can watch my own bitch feast and regulate it. I'm not normally a bitch, so i need to control this; it’s horrid and makes me a not nice person. And if i can say that about myself, imagine what other would be thinking. My priority now is to turn things around, the current attitude is not one i like very much.

Uncertainty

Uncertainty makes me uncomfortable. i hate games. For me, uncertainty is anxiety.i need to know my path, my place, im all thing, im a creature of habit. But i am constantly surprised—pleasantly surprised—at the dynamic nature of the thing we have called love.

Holiday

So i went a full two week without blogging. i guess i am just unfocussed lately, and really have had nothing to share that i couldnt say to you as we were together over a work holiday. slaves are there to please so now its time to get back to my slave roots and do the things i do i hope BEST

You really are a wonderful Master, in more ways than just being a Master if that makes sense. and i cannot put into words how much i love you. our relationship is most definitely M/s, but we don't always express the M/s overtly. You are my Master, but so much beyond that as well.

enough

Do i do enough to keep the heart of the man. The man i will forever call Master to my mind, body, and soul...i will do anything for Him, He is my passion, my dark and light, my sun and rain always, no matter what.i belong to Him, If He were to just ask of me, His pleasure is mine anything, enough will never be enough.

How many

Master has me counting the 5 or 6 actually regular nightly maintenance stroke's i get with the crop, on each butt cheek, bent over the breakfast bar. i never thought those 12345 numbers & 6 of course would be as much a part of who i am as they are becoming.Never ever thought counting would be a part but i enjoy the part, and would love to make it so much more, but that isn't for me to decide, so ill be happy with the counting as far as it currently goes. Until or unless Master says otherwise.

superior submissive

Now that was a jokey title but after i googled "superior submissive." i actually
found a web page. http://www.partydomme.com/webworks.htm#supersub... The Mistress Didi*s Superior submissive™ Web cam Workshop teaches protocols for submissive's that are generally accepted by the majority of Dominants in The Scene.
however it occurred to me today that i could well need an attitude shift. ill work on that i think.see where it leads me. i do wonder why Mistress Didi*s event calender is totally free. guess that says it all!!!!!
But i do really think i need to take a look at a few things and balance a bit better, that might make my day if nothing else less stressful

Yes/No..Maybe

Sometimes, when i ask him for somethings, i really want him to say no, for a couple different reasons - (1) because i to have to listen and not do what i want and (2) it reassures me that he cares enough to be strict and (3) sometimes i'm just not strong enough to say no to myself. But MOST times i really do want him to say yes!
i get disappointed when he lets me win. What i really wish is for him to say "too bad, you're not the boss" or on the other hand i'd like to have to wait .builds anticipation which is always exciting!

Life goes on

I don't have time in my life to play games. Well not unless they are fun and benefit me.
Bing cooped up in the house does not help,

Oh im not complaining.

i swear as my life progresses i am becoming more and and more a recluse. If had a palm built tree house on a dessert island as long as my family could visit and i had all the amenities, id be fine, i enjoy my own company, the outside world has never ever had a huge calling for me, im a home girl. always was, always will be. Even in my much younger days i was happy to stay home but now i find it a big big effort to conjure up the will, effort to go out.
Thank goodness i don't really need to and so...............life goes on........

More's the pity

Sometimes being submissive is not that easy, It's just i so HATE making mistakes!
i feel bad about any simple mistake and i'm sure i makes as many as i don't make, i know i can be whiny,i know i can be needy.I'm sure Master would add lazy plus a few other bad points in there as well.

i wish i had more thoughts about who we are and why we do what we do, but i guess I'm too Miss Average and the obvious slave/Master things go right over my head sometime, which is an awful admission but its true,
i know it's only a small part of the whole "us, but I've NOT thinking before I open my mouth quite a bit lately. or even thinking per say,

i want to stop the little things that might take away from the D/s thing we're trying to achieve.i want it perfect but life isn't like that ever. More's pity !!

Crumbling walls

Oh fukc it, things are going along nicely, then something happens, then another, then another and the bright sunlight becomes the gloom of a February grey day, and a gapping chasm open up where once was strong firm ground ,a bit like one of those fantasy films where you are running through the derelict castle and stone work is falling all around you. I’ve decided my life was never meant to be smooth sailing, whenever i get complacent something pulls me up real sharp, and screams “who said you could enjoy life, take this bitch smack”

“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure”..... Peter Marshall

Life itself is a journey of ups and downs however, , it can be one hell of a cold ... journey that all we take.... but damn if i don’t think ive cracked it only to find next time i take a serious look something or someone has decided that turning my world upside down ,and making me work real hard to try and balance it yet again is a fun pastime.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away”

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”.........lynnie_buttercup

Surrender

I know i push on certain things, probably more than would be considered submissive. But i cannot just do things blindly just because someone wants something a particular way, i still often need to know why!! i do know that there is submission, there is slavery, there is being taken.... and then there is surrender. To surrender is more than to be taken, more than to submit, and more to being some one's slave.

sur·ren·der (sə-rěn'dər)
~To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.
~To give up in favour of another.
~To give up or abandon
~To give over or resign (oneself) to something, as to an emotion
~To give oneself up, as to an enemy.
~The act or an instance of surrendering.

Interesting, isn't it?

The very word implies a struggle, a battle -if you will-, and the end result of which is to "give up" or "give in".

I think that this word more than any other describes my journey into my inner self, not that i feel i've ever given up or in.
The reality of human existence (as i see it) is that we need to give and take as equally as possible to have successful relationships. This give and take exists even within the most extreme M/s dynamic. A Master must give of Himself by putting the work forth to guide, teach, protect and push their pet. The slave must give of herself by putting forth the effort to give up control, to submit, to serve.
Both have expectations in return, of things they will take from the other. This is what balance is all about.

A Lovely thought

Once again various real-time issues have rendered the writing of a decent blog post, pushed into a shortest of time frames. But life goes on, as does this blog.........
and through it all this i realise once more just how much i really really Love Master. I do. I do

Take a look at the metaphors people use to describe love, and why anyone does it is a wonder.

Right off you have to fall. Geez! Or you were conquered. Or engulfed, drowning in a sea of love. And you gave all your love, so you’re feeling empty. You don’t want to get burned again. But you’re mad, wild, crazy in love. Yet you crave it.

So love means defeat, injury, death, bankruptcy, addiction and insanity. How lovely.

Why the negative take on something everyone wants, everyone in fact needs, everyone deserves? What would happen if we spent as much time loving as we seem to invest in warding it off? Hell, even children know this: “That one likes you” “Ewwwww!” And sometimes adults don’t act much better. You are loved. Oh, the horror.

So we go home, alone, protected from love, wishing we had someone there to love.

Forever

i just went pffttthhhh a couple days ago. Just blah. No writing for days. i just drained my brain or something and could not for the life of me even see my characters

i am writing right now, as always about......

Life On My Knees,

Forever it is a beautiful idea, a wonderful goal, but it’s not a magic spell.
Forever.. it sounds nice, It’s the kind of promise we want to make to the ones we love. It’s the kind of promise we make with shining eyes and optimistic hearts.
It a beautiful idea, a wonderful goal, but it’s NOT a magic spell. Simply saying the word doesn’t make the relationship or the happiness last until the end of time.
What is needed is a concentration of energy into any relationship and the achieving of shared goals.

We loved each other deeply and we keep working at our relationship.Anything worth having is worth the effort. i have faith in our ability to work through any difficulties, we might have now or in the future and maintain the quality of relationship we enjoyed.

What would you do?

What would you do, if you could do anything? Indulge your wildest fantasies. You can do anything.

Are not these the kind of phrases that send shivers up the spine of everyone who Doms? The moment when You know i yield to You is when You surely feel Yourself change, become charged with power.

Will i do anything? Would you? There are lots of things i think about, some of them taboo. The reality contains much giving. Do i need an element of service to not to feel guilty, i forget to write about these times, about the joy of being in Your arms.

I know often my submitting is driven by You having to notice what i see as my need for it; i want You to bring clarity, authority, certainty; even strength. If You are Mastering me just from my desire alone, will it still do those things? What if we're pursuing some kind of activity that's all about what i want with only the odd reward for You? Is that even right? i don't know where to look for answers but, It might be, something about the love we share and the passion, how we fuel each other's desire relentlessly.

Whatever it is, i never want to give it up.

Damaged Goods

On some days, my health issues rob me of the capacity to feel happiness, but so far i have never lost the ability to feel gratitude and love. We're very fortunate to have a deep and abiding love that is utterly unconditional.

So, for the past few years, being in charge of a "broken" slave, having to make difficult decisions about how to interact with me. Trying to keep the D/s dynamic we both need alive while not inadvertently creating any more problems.We have had to communicate more openly than ever, although some of the time, trying to sort out my own thoughts or to know how to say what i need hasn't been easy.

Through it all, Master has been wonderful at just being here and loving me. No matter what. i could not possibly ask for more.

Fortunately most of the time, i am an awesome slave and partner. i am loving, loyal, caring, passionate, bright, and expressive. my inability to serve as one might expect decreases my value as slave. But i'm a package deal, and my Master took me -- all of me, even the broken bits.

Right now, We take things one day at a time, i'm doing my best to be the slave Master deserves.I have accomplished some a lot of things in life despite my disability. i have sometimes lost hope, but i have always found it again. And now, for the first time, I'm not in this alone,i am a part of something bright and vibrant and i want to enjoy, bask in that for a long time to come. Thank You Master, i love you more than i did yesterday, But not as much as i shall tomorrow.

24/7 Thing

You know sometimes it is hard to sit down and write about things Its even harder to maintain a M/s relationship all the time. i think this is where the whole 24/7 argument comes in. Some believe you have to maintain the outward appearance of the M/s dynamic at all times, to me that's just not realistic. i will argue with Master get snotty and sarcastic, maybe even appear to be telling him what to do, but i also know when to back off (well usually sometimes i don't and then i get that real strict tone that reminds me to tone it down). Does this not make me a "real" slave. Who knows and really who cares. Master and i are the ones in this relationship and our definitions are what run it, not anyone else's.
I've always said that i think the M/s dynamic is more of a mind thing. Its how you feel. i don't need a physical collar around my neck 24/7(even though i dowear one) to know that i belong to Master. Apart, together it doesn't matter there is a connection. There were times where we were not in each other's pockets, but even then there is an undeniable bond that placed me at His feet. i know that sounds strange and is hard for most people to understand because we live in a judgemental society. i can't explain it, not sure i want to, or feel the need to. Its just the way it is for us.

i for one won't judge your choices and i hope you wont judge mine.

apology. "who am i"?

I had an inappropriate emotional reaction last night. i am really embarrassed about it, but i will reflect on my behaviour and explain my thought processes to Master.
This was where i mouthed off at Him. He was, i know thoroughly perplexed by my reaction, slave apologies, most humbly Sir.

In retrospect, i know i overreacted, but for sake of explanation here are the reasons why this incident upset me so much.
i was annoyed by Master’s offering his time, idea, even knowledge to someone else.
My first thoughts was how he had 'no right' to do that; to offer what He has to exclude me, i felt devalued, embarrassed now by my reaction and extremely sorrowful.

It took me most of the night to regain my composure and evaluate the situation. i was upset at the time, but i later realised that i was overreacting.

i have trouble obeying orders when they don’t align with my desires. However, i do realize that being an owned woman, means doing what Master wants. It’s easy when his commands give me gratification from a task; it’s harder when its uncomfortable or inconvenient.
However, as a submissive, i should not be allowed or assume that i can pick and chose what i want to obey. Belonging to him means doing whatever he wants, even if I’m not thrilled about it.

Beyond this, i should be and i am, thrilled to serve him and obey him. Master is very good to me, and makes a lot of sacrifices and compromises for me. Even without the D/s dynamic, just within the context of a loving, relationship, i should be giving back to him with an open heart. i love him and want to please him, but to do that i must stop being self-centered and think more about serving him.

Alongside anger, i was upset by the fact that Master was seeming to prefer others company to mine. Prior to this dummy throwing on my part, i was sitting by his side. as i always do, i wasn’t interrupting his conversation, or being a nuisance. And yet, despite the team practice we have always maintained, He choose to do thing which i felt excluded me. Being in a particularly needy mood, this really upset me(not an excuses for my behaviour i realise now).

Later, when i looked at the situation from Master’s point of views, i realized once again that i was in the wrong, i was in a very selfish mood and wanted to stay close to Master but i should have actually been happy that Master was doing something He loves to do, and sat quiet—like a polite, well-mannered girl—instead i had a paddy. i was so focused on my need to cling to Master that my basic etiquette disappeared.

Anyway, i got over this one just by thinking about my place in our dynamics. i have to remember that there is a reason why Master and i get along so well; and it’s because we have similar core beliefs. i have to remember that the reason why i’m still submitting to him is because i trust him to make good decisions for us and to act in our best interests. And it is in neither of our best interests for us to not fully agree where we take every aspect of our lives together.
While Master’s action made me upset and frustrated, he was not in the wrong. It was me who was being hypersensitive and inconsiderate. i love him for not getting too upset at me, for trying to reason out my reaction, for wanting to make things better, for setting the task which prompted this writing. Although i realise that it isn’t "Who am i" in any normal context, but i hope it is acceptable in a similar vain.

i’m not scared of Master. but i am scared that he’ll be upset with me, that he’ll get tired of me. i’m scared of negative reactions for things i do, or forget to do. i know he can punish me and will if He feels it is warranted, i do not fear this. But i do not fear him as a person. Now, i obey him for completely different reasons than i did at the beginning--because i respect and care for him. In him, i have the companionship and laughter and friendship and balance that i lacked and badly needed.i love Master so much that my heart pounds just thinking of him. i willingly serve him.

Now, if he were to hurt me, out of correction or simply for his pleasure, i would want nothing more than to crawl into his arms afterwards. i don't want to run away. i don't and can’t resent him, not now that i see that he so good for me. Ironically, these days, he is not so quick to hurt me. Sometimes i wonder why. Perhaps it is because he recognizes my need to please him. Perhaps he realises that my slip-ups come from moments of humanity and forgetfulness and not from disrespect or a desire to test him. Or i believe it is because He care for me in the same way i care for him; past that superficial level of exploring something new and interesting.. Perhaps, he comes to like me not just because i am submissive, but because of "who i am" in conjunction with the submission.

Whatever the reasons, in answer to “who am i” , i am my Masters slave, willing to submit to Him in all ways, to acknowledge my imperfections and attempt to correct those to please Him better.

i am happier than i have ever been before. He is Master, to be obeyed, In the beginning,i was unsure and would slip-up a lot, now i should have no excuses. But i do acknowledge that i am far from the perfect slave and that every day is a challenge to not slip up ; to not forget my position in our dynamics.

N.B (portion of the required essay)

Blogging

i've missed a few blogs this last week, so i am wondering if i would be able to be successful with this lifestyle if i were not regularly writing. i’m writing for my blog right now, if i wasn’t i could be writing in a journal. i could be writing just for myself, or to share thoughts with Master. i’m not sure if i would have the same drive to write as often if i didn’t have the blog.

I love my blog. it’s opened my heart and mind up in ways that i am not always sure what to think at times. i’m thankful for that but also it can be overwhelming. Often my posts will come from the extremes of my emotions. it’s freeing and scary and enjoyable and frustrating all at the same time. Not every time, but sometimes. i mean that writing for the blog has opened me up, the difficult thing is that it forces me to remain open (if i want to write meaningfully).and makes me look at myself, my life honestly.

Anything

If anyone asked me whether i would do "anything" my Master ordered me to. And the answer is yes, within reason.
Yes, unfortunately, reason does have to come into it. In my opinion, any submissive/slave who checks her brain in at the door is setting herself up for some serious damage. So, with that in mind...
My Master and i do have a safe word. the bottom line is there needs to be a safe word in effect at all times, for all activities.That said, it's not something i would use lightly. In fact, since we've have had the safe word i haven't needed to use it once. i don't believe safe words are for getting the sub out of things he/she doesn't "feel" like doing. i believe they are for getting the sub out of the way of serious harm. So, if my Master ordered me to go with someone and my only reason for reluctance was not quite finding that person attractive, to me, that would not be reason to safe out.
On the other hand, if he ordered me to put me and our health at risk, i would say that safe word loud and clear. Also, if he wanted to leave me in the hands of someone i thought might be abusive, i would safe out.i guess that's why it's called a "safe" word. Its purpose is not to keep the sub from uncomfortable or difficult situations, but to keep the sub safe from true harm.

His slave

i know that i have moments of crankiness, and i can get mouthy, lippy, but i know i will end up staring at his chest because i was too afraid to look up and see what expression he will be wearing on his face.

He will likely asks questions in soft and tender tones—if i am okay, why am i crying—and i will answer with head nods when i can, and silence when i cannot find the words to explain. but i know i want him to hold me to my duties and remind me of my place i need that, i need to know that if a decision is made that it will be followed up on, today, tomorrow, next week, next month. i want him to be strict with me, and put me in my place, and hit me when i’m bad, and hit me even when i’m not, and shut me up when i whine. i want him use me. i want him to be the one to make me cry. i want to be on my knees. He is a my Master, the love of my life, and he deserves nothing less from His slave,and as His slave i'll do everything and anything he wants, serving Him endlessly.

Owned

I would definitely say Master and i have those underlying feelings -- deep, abiding respect and unconditional caring for one another. If our relationship had to stand on those feelings alone, it could. But what a tremendous joy it is to have not only those feelings, but also to feel the same thrill now that i felt when i used to read my Master's words in chat, when i first heard his voice on the phone, when he said good night and good morning to me so many days from 300 miles away, when with incredible excitement we clasped hands for the first time , when i first looked into his eyes and saw the man rather than a photograph, when i first felt our bodies come together, skin to skin, my breasts brushing the hair on his chest, when i first felt the smack of his palm upon myarse, and when he claimed me as His.

I'm not going to write on and on and theorize about why our feelings are so deliciously strong and still growing.
i will only say that to those who have not yet experienced such things:


This can happen to you, too. It is out there.

protocols

Yes i have rules/protocols or whatever you want to call it .. to follow. BUT when i look at them... a lot of them are more or less common courtesies - like telling Sir i am home safe and sound if i go out. That makes me feel cared for and watched over.. for me that is not a bad thing. Example..... Sir has me text message Him when i get home and when i go out.......... yeah yeah i could conceivably text Him from anywhere and how would He know....... but ya see.. i don't lie..... simple as that. it is rather nice to know that Sir is watching for the text to say i am home..

Some folks only do BDSM in kinky ways...... they don't do it 24/7 .. they don't do vanilla mixed with BDSM ... in other words they separate the two and keep them separated..... Sir and i tried that.. it didn't really work... it was all or nothing for us.

So having a safe word .. or the right to say "nah i don't wanna do that" does exist in my world. AND i have to say........we have tried BDSM part time.. we have tried vanilla full time.. and i much prefer having someone else make 90% of the decisions .......... yeah i said 90% .. because truthfully Sir does allow me a fair amount of room.......... He will ask what i think about something.. be it BDSM or a vanilla thing.. and i tell Him what i think (knowing me .. do you honestly think i wouldn't speak my mind??!!) BUT then He has the final say...... and whether i like it or not.. i go along with it.. because ya know what?? it saves a whole lot of time in arguing and fussing and feeling bitchy. (ok ok acting bitchy! cause i can do that very well too!)

i wish

Occasionally, cruising around the blog world, i come across a photo that I know Master will definitely appreciate. i right click it,save image as...., and on the blog it goes. i wish. hmm.. maybe a long time ago. cant turn back time unfortunately

What once was

i read blogs of others who profess their bodily faults. So many women unhappy with so many aspects of their bodies. The majority of these i didn’t understand. My response is always the same as many others would be. “You don’t like what? Wow I’d love to look like that. You must be crazy”

I understand that kind of crazy and i am so impressed with how bold some women are who t put up and pointed out their faults.

So consider this my fault post.

Main ones here, breasts that sag a little too much, Quote"When we met nipple were up there, now they are down there" and belly that seen gain and loss and gain again and gain oh for those far off days of youth, and what once was.

Puzzle pieces

i have this need.. this burning need inside me .. i may not be able to explain it - especially to vanilla folks.. but i can identify the need. It is for pain. i am a masochist. It is that simple.

Over time i have identified i love to serve. i have learned there are other ways of inflicting what i crave (not just through spankings/whippings and floggings)

Over time i have learned the protocols that please Master. (they are not the same protocols that would please another but they are what please MY Master and that is all that is important to me.

i've learned the saying "To thine own self be true" and that is so appropriate for this lifestyle. You have to be YOU.. not some doll that is bent and molded to suit another's tastes. You have to feel it (whatever the IT is for you) inside.......... and then follow your instincts. Yes there will be some bending and molding and shaping so that you and Your Dom fit .. like puzzle pieces......... but just like puzzle pieces you can't just jam two pieces together and hope it fits..It really is that simple.

Master & me

Master has never made any outrageous requests of me and--quite the opposite--has supported me and encouraged me to be well-rounded, and happy. I’m so, so grateful to have someone so caring and understanding looking after me; I’m so, so, so thankful and happy that he is my Master.

In fact, he is so good to me that sometimes i worry that i am not doing the best i can for him. i don’t want to be constantly needy. i want to fulfill Master’s desires, and serve him well and be the girl he needs and wants me to be. And I can only hope that he will tell me when he needs more from me, so that he doesn’t end up resenting me for being too much work.

Blessed talent

There are people who are blessed with a talent for writing.... the words flow and create pictures and deep emotions and wonderment, i on the other hand do not write flowing descriptive literature. i write like i talk... which is why i use all those dots in my writing... i rarely stop to take a breath .. (Ask Sir) i usually managed to butcher some old expression.. Shrug.. But the words flow as they will from my warped mind. Outside of this medium.. (blog writing that is) i tend to be blunt.. short and to the point -i have no patience for whiners or pity Anyway......... all of these words are really to just say two things......

ONE – Sir.. I love You, from the very bottom of my soul

and
TWO........ (Damn i can't remember what two was!!) i guess i must have run out of WORDS. (and breath)

Balance

Being open and honest at all times seems easy enough, right? But in any other type of relationship how much openness and honesty was really there? Because most of the time we Think we are doing this with each other but there is always something lurking around that you couldn’t - or wouldn’t - tell the other for the fear of backlash.

i learned that by not being completely open and honest with Master i am in essence taking away an aspect of control from Him. If i’m not telling Him my thoughts then i am essentially holding back a part of me and not giving Him my whole self. So that if i have thoughts and fears and worries and anxiety - no matter how minor or major - i try to tell Him immediately. i still hold back but only because inside my own head my thoughts and fears seemed trivial and do i really need to bother Him with stuff like that, but is it my decision to even think i know what He wants or needs to know with regard to how im thinking. My overall well being is His concern so He needs to know all about my physical, mental and emotional balance at all times.

black hole

Master's very good about not keeping me "in-the-loop" with things . If i don't know what the plan is, true i can't build up any expectations. If i don't have any expectations, i can't be disappointed. If i'm not disappointed, i don't head off into Master's gone vanilla/hates me/doesn't want me anymore/ thinks i'm a fat cow/ territory but i need to know, im a worrier, and have an over active imagination, and because this is so, i can create in a matter of hours this huge black hole that just eats away from inside outwards. Truth, so tell me, id rather know then i can at least adjust to the consequences of the reality. a black hole is so powerful that nothing, including light can escape its pull. The black hole has a one-way surface, into which objects can fall, but out of which nothing can come, reflecting nothing, i need the light, i need to know where im at all the time, i need to feel that control, good or bad, so tell me. nothing is so bad if i know.

to err is human, to forgive divine"

i’m a good slave. Good enough that He doesn’t have to micromanage me. And i have a lot more “freedoms” under His hand than most might because of how i carry myself most of the time.(occassional i'll err, but no ones pefect) But it’s also why i feel like i’m flapping in the breezes sometimes…waiting for somebody to take hold of my sails and turn me into the wind so that i go the right direction instead of just drifting. He grabs the sails when He has to; and the control is there, just under the surface. i just don’t always feel it or see it.

Today's Idiom ="to err is human, to forgive divine"