loosing the way

i lay in the bath, no lets be honest. i don't lay in a bath i wallow, there are two kinds of bath for me. the first is to remain sitting on the bath hoist wash and get out usually employed when im at home alone. my favorite is to get off the hoist MG will take it out the bath so i can lay and soak, this is where i do my thinking. Anyway back to the story, i was soaking in the bath the other day and i thought i really should resume writing my blog, but in a different way to previous methods. so here goes.
We/we have lost our way i think B/both of us we have not been able as yet to find our way back to our M/s at the pre stroke level, things happen that im sure wouldn't have gone unnoticed prior also things don't happen that once did. no one is at fault, just the way it seems to be . we cannot make thing happen it has to flow naturally. we don't do false/fake moves, its a shame for both myself as slave and MG as Master that we had once move so far forward along the road only to be felled by the stroke and its subsequent restrictions, we struggle with those restrictions not only due to my inabilities now but because the girls have changed/got older and require slightly different handling. but we continue to try with little sparks. It has been said that M/s is a mind thing. of course i would whole heartedly agree to some extent but as an example you can tell yourself every day that your beautiful but if every single time you look in the mirror what stares back is not a raging beauty you become slightly ever so disillusioned. you need to feel and see the beauty once in a while to be able to hold the image. M/s for me is the same , i need to feel it as well as believe it to have it consume me totally. i wish to be my Master whore again as once i was but not putting too fine a point on it sex with physical impairments is not as easy as one would imagine and a whore need to be able to dance across her Master body with fingers and move in a way that i know longer can.. im sure it has a bearing, mind yes but only as part its a whole package, reality is being realistic and mine at present is not firing on all cylinders and if im not chances are nore is MG, we struggle constantly to be as good as we can i in my submission MG in his Dominance but life has a habit of never making it easy , sometimes the easy way isnt the right way but who amongst us wouldnt take the easy route.its a natrual way, a course, set if you wish a route mapped out but in this case someones put a line of bollards up so we cant travel along the road needed to get us to our intended destination.

Where We Are Now. written by MG

I have sat here this evening, for the last few hours contemplating very carefully where cleo and I are at within our D/s. We have spoken several times recently as she continues to recover from the stroke, about regaining some of the true essence of our personal D/s which, by force of circumstance we had lost this past year or so.

The last few days cleo has been pushing more and more against the sub/slave thing, in a sense testing me, but also telling me that she may be ready now. I believe that the time has come.
We are at a position where we could take either of two routes in our lives from here on. The first would simply be to continue as we are, doing the things we do, and simply being cleo and MG, but without too many sparks.

If we choose that option I am sure we would be happy, but I am convinced that neither of us would ever be completely fulfilled: we may be happy but not fulfilled.

Our needs will never be quenched, and the fact that we agreed to live as Master and slave will take more and more of a back seat.The fact is that when cleo signed the slave contract with me she agreed to let me decide upon the course which our lives would follow:

I accepted the responsibility to always act in her best interests, and up to now since the stroke those best interests have been served by leading a more vanilla lifestyle than a D/s one.

There are many factors which have contributed to that decision; for example, for several months after coming out of the hospital she was emotionally quite brittle, and physically quite fragile in many ways too. Spanking, cropping and other forms of physical play were more often than not out of the question, as the results would likely have been pain and anguish rather than pain and pleasure.

Where We Are Going

Just this last few days i can see a change in her, and so, the decision is made: our D/s will now come to the fore again. Of course there are still some things where she is challenged, but i am convinced that with time and a vision of where we are going, they will be overcome, in ways we may not even know yet, but overcome they will be.It is my intention that we will use the time we have to interact better with each other, and to further extend our D/s within the lifestyle circles that as yet we have not moved within.I will push cleo from now on, she will accept this course as the choice, and the decision of her Master. Having said that I know that this is the right choice for both of us, and no doubt I will have more to say on this subject as we move forward in the next days, weeks and months.

3rd October~such a long time

i hadn't realised how long it had been since i wrote this blog maybe its because i have other one i am require to write each day that poor satin gets forgotten, which is wrong because i should be adding here as well as this is my site where i can spill all that is right and wrong with me.
so hows it all going we are coming to the year anniversary of my stroke and over the last few days, you get to thinking about this and that, some the upside, some the down, you know how it is.
You can't always be up, and i still sometimes have those "why me?" moments, but they don't seem to last long. However, i would like to take the time to let you dear readers know how i think i'm progressing, so here we go.
The Leg and my walk: is kind of "not too bad"; i feel i still look like a thunderbird puppet, but Sarah says i look like i've just hurt my ankle. Talking of Sarah, she has gone off to university but will be returning home most weekends to watch over her poor old mam !! as she isn't that far away really.
Arm and hand: Nothing, not a flicker, so its about adaptation. learning to do all the daily things with the one good one i've got which is my right hand. Thank goodness i am right handed. Some things i can do; some zips do up really easily while some are buggers. Bra? forget it.. help required! There are ways around most things: i've learnt how to peel potatoes one handed, i use a drawer to wedge things in to open bottles and to pull can ring-pulls. There are obviously some things i don't have a chance with, but i have my family around to help me. Food i cant cut up.. so im a bit of a baby at meal times, also i still make a mess of my face but that's because the left side of my mouth/face is still a bit numb sometimes, and i cant always feel if my mouth is closed.

I've noticed this week (and the ladies will understand this) i cant roll my lips around when applying lipstick; a silly thing but one that is noticeable to me. Other than that, life goes on, we have got the Nissan X-Trail now and my scooter of course. Next stop is to get my driving assessed so i can drive myself: not that i am all fired up to do that, just that it might be needed so it's something to get sorted sooner rather than later.

Been doing the walking on treadmill. I have to ask James when i see him in October why i can walk great on the treadmill, but get off and I'm a puppet again. I am also trying to build up the muscle in my upper leg and strengthen my knees which due to lack of use are getting stiff. i don't bend my left knee because at present the ankle doesn't flex at all so i move my leg from my hip: hard to explain really, but this is what creates the puppet-like movement. There are days when i feel the walk flows a bit better and others when it doesn't. Apart from all that i'm fine; life could be better, but it could be far far worse. Be thankful for small mercies, is what i say.
Regarding our M/s, we move onward always.. a small step at a time but none the less still froward. never back, i do all i can do to be a good slave, i still make mistake even after 5 years.. MG still has to correct me often but it what we do and neither of us would wish it any other way.
cleo.

slave Bells

A row of silver slave bells attached to a silver chain by little O-rings, this elegant and sexy anklet is worn low on the ankle and adds a dazzling highlight to any foot. It has a small hook and O-ring clasp and is adjustable up to 11".
i have my collar which i never take off as it can be worn as a normal item of jewellery and is only known to lifestyle folk its real meaning but my new bells. i am happy to tell when ask what jingles i proudly say my slave bells. altho many would not understand why i feel the need for more outward signs of my place, it is something i like as does MG. i find that i am always having to explain in some fashion or other why we do what we do, why can people not just accept. anyone one would think we had two heads or something are we so odd, i dont think so

slave contract

After the handfasting, wedding the only thing left undone was the slavery contract, which we have now completed after a long time in finding the words that are right for us.
It can be viewed here

Contract

A change of attitude as for a long time slavery was not the direction we were ever thinking of going but it now seems a natrual course and altho i have been slave for quite a while the contract wasnt something to write up over night. so we have though a lot about it, until now when it is complete.

There is a saying

There is a saying in Tibetan,
"Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength."
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is,
if we lose our hope, that's our real disaster.

-His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama
Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the
boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch,
taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the
last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.

Need to submit..all over again

For some reason of late i have had this huge desire to submit and submit deeply.. i have this urge desire whatever you wanna call it to be slave again, little things that i can do become hugely important to me, my problem is that no one else seems to see this and other than saying it out loud.. look at me, im ready to be Your slave again. im not sure how to make my point that i am so so ready to take up where i left off. Master has said this last week that the fragility has past and he is right i want .. so badly. i need to be Dommed again..but it isn’t in my nature to ask and even if it were MG has to be on the same wave length as i am and im not sure He is quite yet. We are taking thing up but it just not fast enough for me, however even that is good because i am having to submit to Master’s snails pace and wait.. Waiting isn’t a game i am very good at.. i am a "want it and want it now" kinda person but i am also aware that patience isnt a strong suit of mine and if i have to be told to wait in Master time. i will get there.. i am in some small way submitting and i need even the smallest amount right now. i feel i am starving for submission, it has been quite a while as following my ill health Master has been (naturally) reluctant to go too deep into our M/sand i have been allowed to relax so much into a state of non slave.. now i feel its time to get back to where we were before all this, is that topping i wonder.. i guess it might be.. slave wants.. hey isn’t it meant to be Master who decides.. Best i just sit quietly and wait until my Master is ready.

Fate or Destiny?

i have to say here and now, dont get me wrong, it not about "a higher power" or anything like that, but i had a realisation this last few days regarding my situation. It goes something like this:i am not anything special; i may be an inspiration to some (so i am told) but believe me, i certainly am not anything special, i just try to make the best of what i have, for me and mine.However i have thought recently that maybe, as i have often experienced in other situations in my life, that the stroke was some kind of fate or my destiny. i was never going to die, i didn't come anywhere near dying because it wasnt my time. So, i am meant to be here for some reason. Never in my muddled life has anything happened to me that hasnt had some kind of silver lining. i recall in the early days of recovery i tried to find what that silver lining was, i couldnt see it then, now maybe i am thinking and ill be really frank here; if the roles had been reversed, had the stroke happened to MG and not me, my family might have suffered far more. i would have really struggled to cope with not only MG being ill but all the other effects now so i am disabled but i am alive to give to mine what i can, maybe MG and i would still be only planning our wedding had we not had the incentive to do something about it.My girls have learned a valuable lesson here too: that life can be tough and to fend for themselves a little more than they knew before. My Sarah can cook most things now which she couldn't before and wash and iron as good as any housewife. Hannah has gained patience, and understands that she isnt due anything free , that life itself isn't a free ride.Having said all that and if i am destined to be in this situation, it also follows that if the hand/arm is meant to regain some movement it will. Of course that doesn't mean i am going to stop with the work or the effort i have to put in daily to continue that improvement; as i said: "nothing in life is free".Nothing in my life has ever been free, so i'll continue with my daily struggle to regain control of my body as a whole, but my vision is altered; no longer do i think "why me?" or how bad things are. Now i look for that silver lining that i am sure is there. i am happy again with myself, with life, and with who i am. Sure if i had the chance to do without the disability i would, but i also think what might have been the cost to others of that and would it be worth it? to not be in this current situation. Who knows ?If I hadn't had the stroke and someone else had that doesnt mean they too wouldnt have coped: sure they would, differently maybe, but it was my turn and right now i am happy with my lot in life. It has never been average, i wasnt meant to have an average life. Do take care people. Life is too short and too precious, so look to tomorrow rather than what might have been before.Tomorrow is a new adventure, grasp it with both hands.

What i can and what i cannot do..

Here's a thought. it was pointed out to me that i should be pleased with myself in what i can achieve.. i added that that was a lot of my problem these days.i dont see what i can do.. i see what i cant.... example, the lawn needed mowing. i helped sarah but it wasnt as good as i have done in the past... so i see it as a backward effort... not that its an achievement more that i cannot do it as ionce did, that also applies to my M/s, its about what we once had, and what little we have left, i know i should try looking at it and be pleased with where we can still go and in time i am sure i will do that.right now, i pine for what once was, i cant help it, i so feel the loss of many aspects of my life... but thats enough of that i said i dont intend this to become an extension of the recovery blog.

I'm still kicking

haven’t wanted to write here for some time now, i guess because i didn’t want this blog to become an extension of the Road to recovery blog or stroke base as this is my M/s placed... that too has sorta been a bit off the track as well and therefore i had not very much to write about, other than my lack of ability to be the slave i once was, or wish to be. but as has been rightly said submission isn’t just physical so, time moves on, as do we all, life continues at a pace, albeit mine at considerably slower than it was, but altho different, we still retain the M/s, i still submit to Master’s wishes, but, now maybe his wishes have altered, as they tend to be more for my benefit than his, but we are a team, husband/wife.. Master/slave, however one wishes to see the relationship. things change, move on, but we are still us, we still desire to be M/s, its in our heart, so we remain, i try to do what i can, within my rehab Master has a firm grip on me and if nothing else, knows how to extend my limits for my own good, altho maybe not the limits he has pushed before, but limits none the less and of course as i am pushed, i achieve more each day and get better as i develop ways to improve my lot in life, i adapt, my skills as i need to adapt my M/s, only time will tell, how well i am doing, but happy as happy as i can be, i pine for what is lost... but it is lost so we must move forward, continue with what we have and make the best of things.

Stroke survivors often lose emotional control. At times we experience uncontrollable laughter suddenly to start to cry for no obvious reason. Sometimes it is depression that we may feel following the abrupt change in our lives. But often it is due to brain injury and not directly connected with depression. People who are a part of a stroke survivors life often assume when a stroke survivor is laughing they are happy or if they are crying they are sad. This is a mistake. It is inspiring to read stories, but also important to point out that some days you can just sit and cry for no reason at all and those days are just as important to your road to recovery, as the days you will spend laughing.

Darkest moments

The darkest moments of our lives are not to be buried and forgotten, rather they are a memory to be called upon for inspiration to remind us of the unrelenting human spirit and our capacity to overcome the intolerable i will survive.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. i'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that i loved . You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your life as it is for your lovers. Your lifestyle is going to fill a large part of your days and time, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to live what you believe is a great way of life. And the only way is to love what you do and how you are. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.
If you put your mind to it and you believe it, you can achieve it. You
cannot give up -- even if the road is a tough road.

my Husband and i

The meaning of life is the day- to-day living of it.

i sit at the pc a lot lately yet i have little desire to write in my blog..i avidly read Master's blog "diary of a stroke" but actually writing myself or doing more to my site hold little interest for me right now, maybe in time i will pick them up again, who knows. the wedding looms 14th Feb.. all is ready , the handfasting is coming along fine and will be a day to remember 21st June i am looking forward more to the June date than the Feb one not sure why.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> The dress>>>>>... i am not into frills aqnd i am a bride who gets to wear her wedding dress twice and this style is more suitable for the handfasting soon i will not only be slave to MG but his wife...i am positive about the future. Life is a different challenge now .i am looking forward to the experience. The meaning of life is the day- to-day living of it. You only get one chance for each 24 hours.

How may i better serve You . Master

whatever happened to my trust and faith. did i loose that when i had this stroke, where has all this doubt come from i wonder or is it fears. yes i have fears but the fear i am talking about should be long gone , why should these fear haunt me as they do right now. i love my Master beyond life itelf and i know he loves me. so banish doubts slave, serve your Master as only you can do. and as he wants you too,brush fear aside and stand tall and proud of who you are: slave to MG now and alway.. so some thing have to be approach differently for a while but that doesnt change who you are serve your Master as best you can see to his needs as he see's to yours. the family is everything

get a grip

how could i be so selfish and not consider my Master and children in my own dispair, thinking only about me..."oh wow is me"...well its time i thought about others ,anyway self pity will not help..grow up woman.. get a grip. they give everything and i just make it harder for them that isnt right. My Master and my kids have their own trauma and demons to deal with they dont need me making this any harder.And still thy give:-
To my cleo: I love you, and will do anything in my power to help you get better. Whatever it takes, I will do. We are the best team there is, and our strength lies in our love for each other. Take that love and harness it, use it for whatever you need. I will be there, whether it takes a week, a month a year or the rest of our lives.
extract from diary of a stroke by MG
time i considered them in all this it has had a fundamental affect on them all as well as me.. ok so i am the one whom has to cope with the obvious result the bit we can all see, their trauma is hidden but is still as damaging,i am resolvedto be a bit mor considerate from now on..!!!stop making this harder than it already is for any of us.

Jack and Gill went up the hill

well in this case Gill would keep trying to climb the hill independently of Jack and there are going to be time when Gill falls down. i have fallen twice now on both occasions i was unharmed other than fear and on both occasions i was in our bedroom without any shoes on. lesson learnt. the carpet in our bedroom is slippery.
i have to try i am going to fall, what i have to do is try to see that i am unharmed so that i am able to get right back up and try again. i will not spend the rest of my life sitting down. i will walk again.MG says i have courage. i am not so sure. right now i am ready to admit i am scared of life but i am also scared of the alternative. silly reallly 2 month ago life was a breeze. Now like a child i have to learn all the things we take for granted, like walking and like a child i am going to fall i just have to learn from that experience, my advantage is that unlike a child i have the intelligence to know that i need to learn from my mistake. how many time have we all said, "if i knew then what i know now", well i have the chance to redo a lot of thing, i don’t want to make them better i was very happy with the walk i had, in fact i was proud of my walk,i just want it back as it was, i watch people walk down the street, young, old and wonder if people really appreciate the way their bodies carries them around with such ease, i have to admit that i certainly didn’t, i jumped into the car like most people, never gave a thought to the way we as human walk on two legs now i do, when it too late, but i shall get back the ability i have promised myself, my children my Master that i will return to my former self in time, be patience with me..

Popups

I'd like to take an opportunity to apologize to all of my readers for the annoying popup's that have been happening on my blog over the past few weeks. These were not my doing.When I started this blog a year or so ago, I put a Nedstat Basic counter on it to keep track of my site usage statistics. This worked well, and I found it to be a good service. A few weeks ago, I got an email telling me that Nedstat had been sold to another company and was being rebranded as Webstats4U, and the site had a new look and feel. Unfortunately, it seems this was not the only change to the service.Over the past couple of weeks, I noticed popup's when I visited certain blog's (including my own blog) and was starting to worry my computer had become infected with spy ware. Then, today, I did a bit of research and found that these popup's were being generated by Webstats4U. Here is an article that gives all of the background on it.I hate popups, and will not condone them on my blog. meter is removed hopefully along with the popups
regards cleo

happy valentines day

Well, today we just have one little thing to tell everyone. We have set the date for our wedding! It's booked: 14th February, Valentine's day. Call us mad, or silly, or whatever you want, but that was a date that just happened to come up, and so, we did it.Now, theres much organising to do for a wedding in 5 weeks time, although we have decided to make the registry office ceremony a family affair only, with a couple of friends as witnesses and close family only. Our plan is that we shall have a much larger ceremony in June, which will be a handfasting ceremony. This ceremony is more in keeping with our choices compared to the modern day marriage ceremony, although of course to be legally married we must do that too, hence both ceremonies.Physio again today and James worked hard on my arm and hand, trying to get the various muscle groups in the arm/shoulder/hand area to "fire" voluntarily. What this means is that with stimulation, such as tapping, or touching or manipulation these muscles will work, but as yet i does not have voluntary control of them, i.e. i cannot yet "remember" how to make them work. Tomorrow James is going to try some electrical stimulation of the leg and arms, and see what comes of that.It's still quite early on in the average recovery time which is thought to be about 90 days, and so we have high hopes of getting something in the arm before then.i has also decide i am not getting married in a wheelchair, so I am sure that target is the main one now. 5 weeks for me to get up onto my feet and be standing and even walking on my own so the wheelchair is not seen on 14th February!I have every faith that i will do it.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger

My MSN profile which was written some 5 years ago read as follows :
Occupation Mum and 24/7 slave

A Little About Me
24/7 slave to my MG, willing to serve him in every way, always... he is my life.
Favorite Things
You have to make the most of every day, always look forward and learn from the good and the bad things that happen.My Master.24/7. TPE

We must not let the negative rule our lives.that which does not kill us makes us stronger.Favorite Quote
"This above all: To thine own self be true. And it must follow as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man"William Shakespeare (1564-1616).
now in 2006 i have to add "Stroke victim November2005".. but it didnt kill me so i will make myself stronger in adversity Tosee progress of my Road to Recovery go to www. http://diaryofastroke.blogspot.com

the new year 2006

it time to take stock and beging afresh.. a new page in my life... not a retrograde step just a time to grow as me once again..peel off the old coat get in the fashion.. today i made a decision.. all the time people do for me i will never do for myself again..so to my family who i know only have my best at heart..you must let me try.. i may fall.. but i know you will all be there if i do.. and wipe away the tears i cry...for which i shall be eternally gratefull.but i have to stand on my own two feet literally or i never will and i so wish to be mother to my children again and slave to my Master, with this in mind i walked across the physio gym this afternoon unaided..at home later i walked across our kitchen.. my sarah cried to watch me...good crying she said just to see her mum stand upright unaided i think..that there is still some resembalance of past time left and that sarah can see maybe a light at the end of her tunnel..as she has stepped up to the plate and into my shoes poor thing has worked so hard to keep thing on an even keel lately..so itwas time i gave her a break tonight..and prepared dinner myself..i cannot move carrying things that has still to come but it will but i can do my bit and i intend to from now on..this isnt going to make me a useless bag of lard..no way no how

Eat my own words

Looking back over my last few entries. i guess i was in need of some changes and boy did i get them. pieces missing, change is as good as a rest...etc etc. well thing has certainly changed but now i sit and desire earlier timeslol. one step sat a time (talk about fickle), how things were before the stroke.but we cannot always have what we desire.. i have to keep fighting just to regain some resemblance of my former self.. i will prevail..i will walk again, i will sub to my master again that is now my focus .....to do what i have alway done fo him, which right now i am not capable off, in the mean time i will acheive the quality of life we all have once again but the focus is for me to serve my Master and be able to be mother to my children. careful what you wish for is all i can say. i have my goals all achieable i believe.. time and my detirmination will show if i have the grit need to make at least some inroad for myself.i shall damn well try.Season Greeting to all roll on 2006.. thing can only get better

been a while

finally back to real life after one month in the hospital.i have suffered what i am told was a dense stroke, which has left my left side paralysed. for info on my recover click here but for a few day over christmas i am home with my family and Master.my main concern now, oh i realise i have to give myself time but still i fear i cannot be the slave to my Master that i once was. i cannot even simply kneel before him now , maybe in time but right now i am totally dependant on him for everything.. it was once the other way round . He asked . i did. now i asked he gets up..i want things the way they were
..amj i allowed one pout.. i think i can get away with one if i could stamp my foot i would but i would fall over. seasonas gretting to you all
good to be home for a while

Missing piece of my puzzle

i was chatting to a sub friend last night, someone who is so like me that we could be twins.
i don't mean alike, as in the way we look, we are far from the same on that department, no i mean that we are so alike within what we feel and think regarding our submission that we could be one and the same. We seem to go through the same ups and down which can be a help to us both sometimes, as we can see what the other is talking about because we have either been there ourselves or we are likely to go there at some point... so to rose, my dear friend, i say, thanks, for all the times you have listened and been there, i hope i have been able to help you as much as you have helped me.

Having said that, rose is one of those people who is always so damn right... just when you think you have her stumped, out come these really perfect words that crush any form of defense you might have had in your reasoning for being a stroppy, pouting demanding sub/slave.

So the talk was of, the Men in our lives and the fact that they both work away from home at the weekends and how she and i find ways of coping with that.

There i am feeling really moody and sorry for myself and she comes out with the notion that ... of course one can stamp ones foot and make a big scene and make it really difficult for Master to leave, knowing full well that the last thing He wants to do is go, knowing that His lady is all upset etc etc... and then again, you could give Him your total and utter support in His endeavours to provide what is needed for His family to the very best of His abilities and not make a Huge mountain out of the little mole hill that is " work" and be there for Him and give Him the space needed to do what He has to do without the pouts or the paddies etc etc

And of course, rose is right.. and altho it is never easy when the Men have to leave, it is a necessary evil and one that we as their sub/slaves should be happy to accept knowing that what they do is for the whole family and altho not easy must be done for the good of all.

doesn't stop me missing MG... Its like having my right arm cut off, or a piece of my jigsaw is lost, and the whole picture in incomplete. Ying and yang, a single being, soulmates... meant to be together.

i am alone and it isn't my favourite time so with that i shall say good night and go bury my head in an attempt to pass the time, the morning will come quicker and MG will be home.

One step at a time.

I’ve felt guilty for not writing this blog as often as i have wanted to in the last few weeks. Thinking about why this happens sometimes, i can of course blame it on being occupied with various things, but really i think it comes down to expecting too much of myself. i have tried to learn about writing and web design and making cards and websets, and i have a number of goals in these fields that i am still far from attaining. i have a pretty clear idea of what i like, but i often feel that i am not in the right mood...too tired, too sick, too busy, or whatever... to lives up to my own standards let alone any one elses.

But the real mistake here is to let that stop me from trying that would be a retrograde step indeed... even with just a few words or a bit of designing at a time.

i need to remember, that real progress comes about mainly through the little steps we take on the path towards our goals. The steps that count most are the ones that no one congratulates us for, when we tripped up a little or even just accomplished some small success. Countless little steps cover far more distances than great marathons ever will.

Whatever it is that may be taking place in my life or in the world around me, there is invariably something beautiful there waiting to be discovered… but the approach to that beauty requires humble steps, patient walking, and a steadfast resolution not to let expectations get in the way.

i know i can do this, i just have to keep trying...

Change is as good as a rest

It has often been asked if subs are made or if submission is taught, well i am not the best person to ask that question of as my instant reaction to the "training" theory is that i and my fellow subs and slaves are not dogs or horses so training doesn’t come into it, guide, of course, show us an alternative way of doing things that the Dom would prefer, of course but forget the idea that i can be trained like an animal cause although at times i might be a pussy cat, hell i have sharp claws as well.

My theory is that each of us has within us, desires/wants/needs... to give and receive love and attention cause believe it or not even a man, even a Dominant gives, its not all about the sub giving and the Dom taking, not if the D/s is being done properly. Follow your desires and you are likely to end up with a pretty good and satisfying relationship. D/s is an extension of a normal loving relationship where there is give and take, that both are needed to keep an even balance between the two parties and so that they compliment one another. Add to that the D/s factor of absolute trust and total commitment and you have the foundation of a solid unbreakable bond between two human beings. Does this make one partner better than the other, more able to live life in a proper manner, better equipped to face what the big bad world has to throw at them, i don’t think so. Master or sub/slave, i am sure both are quite capable of living life, making decisions etc, the difference is that a sub chooses not to have to do that and is more content to give that responsibility over to another.

We have to be careful tho, not to fall into a rut and end up in a comfort zone where it is so easy to just let each day pass by without us even noticing. Comfort zones are those place where it is easier to just sit back and accept what we have as happy, when what we really have is nothing short of boring existence because we are too lazy or too bored or just plain cant be bothered to alter things.

We all change, nothing ever stands still, over time we develop new ideas, new beginnings etc but whatever it is we do, time has a habit of moving on with or without our knowledge or permission, we have to be aware that it happens and try our best not to become complacent and let things ride or before any of us know it, we are in the cirle of round and round we go and wouldnt life be really boring, if it was always the same, (the film Ground Hog Day springs to mind, the same day over and over again with the predicted result every time). That’s not for me. Things have to move on, they have to progress to bigger and better, they have to evolve, however...

Seems like only yesterday that my kids were little. Now, i have two very nearly grown young ladies, problem with that is a) i want my lil babies back cause they were really cute when younger, b) if they are growing up, where does that put me.. in the "old" bracket, that’s where !

Seriously, i could say that with age comes experience and all that stuff about been there done that but what i really wanted to say was this...

If i had the chance to do it all over again, would i... not a chance, even the shite bits i am happy with and ill tell you why, because it all, down to the really crappiest bits have made me, who i am, and who i am has moulded my life to where it is right now.. with Him, with the man i love, with my Master, with my submission, with my life just as i would wish it to be.

Raise me up.

Raise me up.

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up... To more than I can be.

Perfection

MOST definitely not in this house and MOST definitely not from me or mine. Who wants perfection anyway? i think it must be pretty boring to be perfect, have it perfect, be perfect, i would much rather have things that need tidying up, need my attention, need things to be done that will make things better but...never perfect. For with perfection comes boredom and with boredom comes dissatisfaction and it is at those times, when one has idle hands and minds that both have a tendency to wander of the track. Far rather be up to my neck in washing and ironing, then at a loose end, but i digress....

Been away for a bit, been a lil unwell last few days, before that, building, growing, making something of nothing really, but it gives me the greatest of pleasure and satisfaction to do.. so here is where i have been

• http://www.3roses.co.uk
  

Better add the link to my D/s site as well, while i am link dropping

• http://www.satinandlace.seekers.org.uk

My pride and joy at this time.. is my new site, where i am planning on storing and building up my graphics/websets and website templates. Of course, what i find interesting and pretty, others may not but if they do, that is enough for me..to know that others find my creative ability worth their attention and if i am honoured, those sets may even find their way onto other peoples sites and so, onto the www and out into the great void.

Other than that, life is as it should be, ever onward, always growing in the light of love and happiness with my love, with my children, with all i could wish for.

my Master and i have been yet again forced to take stock of how we are to conduct our "hands on" M/s as my Ex has decided that he cannot have the girls during the week any more and as MG works weekends at present... and as Master will not "play" or "scene" with the girls in the house this leave no time at all for us to be alone and so the crops and canes will have to remain in the toy box for a while until the opportunity arises when we can bring them out under the right conditions.

At first this caused some major consternation with us both but we have accepted what has to be and we will find a way around the current dilemma, just as we always do. We don't give up that easily.

Right now, i am off to bed, dont want to get unwell again for want of an early night or two and as its Friday and MG is at work, no point in me not catching up on lost sleep.

Good night all you good people,
Take care and be well.. (smiles)

Funny old world

Even stranger to me so you have no hope in figuring out where i am at right now.

• i am happy,
• i am content yet not.
• i am fulfilled yet not.
• i have all i want, yet i don't
• i know who i am, but do i.....

Not even going to take this any further because i will be told that i analyse things too much, that i think too much sometimes and i guess that's right, i do, so i am not going to on this occasion and no doubt, whatever the confusion is, it will rectify itself all in good time.

• i lack nothing,
• i want for nothing,
• i am spoilt beyond most 's dream
• i am cherished
• i am loved

What do i want....... i want a damn good beating....lololololololololoool

That would rectify everything (hint hint)

Knowing your place

i have wondered a lot about the incident that occurred a couple of weeks ago and what made it happen and try as i might i am not sure i can place the blame entirely on my shoulders and i will tell you why.

Life in general is never ever going to be a breeze, we all struggle with the daily grind, the bills, the worry of kids, of work, of just coping with life as a whole and it isn't unusual for the worries and all that sort of thing to become such a weight that it take over from the joy and pleasure that life does have to offer when everything in the garden is rosey, but heck, most gardens have weeds and ours is no exception.

There are a few things right now that take some space up in the garden, and make for quite a big patch of dirt, trying to weed it takes a lot of time and effort and by the time you have dealt with all those things, there is not enough time to even think about the niceties of life. This is fact, this is the reality of living in this century, this is day to day grind me down stuff, and not just me but MG as well.

Dom he may be but shite gets to him too and he has had a few things to deal with of late that take a lot out of him and i understand that totally and he has my undying support in everything He does. But in trying to deal with all the reality stuff that is real life, it takes direction away from other things including our M/s. Its never an intentional move, it just happens. One day drifts into the next and before you know it a week has past and you think...damn, we need to bring this back but then something else happens and another and another and kids and work and not feeling well, both He and i, and so many little things get in the way and the M/s is the last thing that you think about and before you know it, you are not anywhere near an M/s relationship for a while, you have slipped into the world of vanilla through force of circumstances and so.....


i think.. that half the problem with the screaming and shouting was because..

i need to submit and feel dominated.. when it doesn't happen.. i not only feel frustrated but very un-submissive. Knowing my place within our M /s means showing those roles in a physical sense.. when that doesn't happen, when i cannot be sub for so many many reasons i begin to feel equal too MG, as a joint and equal partner in this venture and as such i have a voice as loud as his... if that makes sense..

i have said before, that i do not want or wish to be my Masters equal, it doesn't hold any fascination/ pleasure/ desire... call it what you will, for me. i am my Masters slave and will always be and need to be treated and seen as such and when, due to the damn outside crap that keeps getting chucked at us i cannot be the slave to him that i want to be..i freak out sometimes.
Thats what happened, i was equal, i felt equal and i screamed at him..as his equal.... not good... not what i want or what MG wants, but the more i think about it, the more obvious it becomes.

If i am not treated in the manner of a slave, i can't act like one. Oh sure, i can hold it in my head for a while, i can keep telling myself that i am slave, that i am submissive but after a while of coping with stuff that isn't sub at all, i tend to regress into the " i can manage, i can cope" syndrome.
Before D/s i coped, in fact i think i did the nilla thing as well as any other person and if i had to, i could go back to that way but if i am asked, if i have a choice, i wouldn't chose to go back to that way.

i came into D/s because i had an unfulfilled need to submit, that need hasn't changed. In fact i would say that having tasted the lifestyle, my need is even greater than it was to begin with. Having felt the hand and the cane and all manner of M/s, i am addicted.

MG have often said, that D/s is like a drug and that i need my fix and he is so right. i do need it now, i do need him to give me a regular dose of whatever it is that allows me to be the submissive that is happiest on her knees at her Masters call.
But it isn't that easy, and because it isn't, something has to give .
In time, when things come a full circle, we get our balance back and we fit together and can move a bit further down the road having learnt another lesson, having crossed another hurdle and with each lesson learnt we grow stronger.

Just damn hard waiting for the balance to find itself.!!!!

Who, What, Where, When, How

The title of this blog entry says it all i think.... but not who or even what but just an overall impression of not knowing where i am going today at all.
It has been one of those days when very little has gone the way i expected it too... and it was meant to be a good day as well, yet, one mis adventure after another that has left me floundering in a soap of uncertainty and confusion over some very simple, mundane things.

Being lost isn't a new feeling for me, its one i am quite used to living with, i am not sure why but the confused and fragmented feelings i have some days never surprise me now, in fact, if i don't feel these emotions i has to pinch myself because its not something i am use to... being on an even keel i mean.

It really doesn't matter either, what went so wrong today, the fact that things did, sets the hour or minute into a framework that say "Bad day" and from then on in, doesn't matter what i do, its going to be "One of those days" and all i can do is ride it out and weather the storm as best i can.

What the heck is this woman on you are going to ask. Doesn't she talk a load of old bull. Yeah well i guess i do but me being me, i really needed to get this off my chest, shout it out and say, B/s to all the things that didn't go right today because then i can move on past them to sleep a sound and restful sleep and hope that tomorrow will be a bright new day.

i really need a cigarette right now... i would kill for just one smoke at this precise moment, in 5 minutes, it will have past and i will go forward until the next "Fag" moment passes me by but rest assured, i wont have a cigarette because i don't smoke any more but that doesn't stop me wanting one every now and then and i find it helps me to admit the craving and say to MG, "ohhhhh i want a ciggie moment is here" and we laugh and He says, Him too and we do nothing about it but agree that Yes..we could both kill for a ciggie even after 6 month of non smoking. Doesn't go away that easily and that's a fact.

Not very D/s or M/s this entry. We had plans for this last weekend, but like so many times, it really was never going to happen for a variety of reasons and to be honest, at the time i was as happy just to be with MG without all the scening and that stuff. You see, we are not the sort to make all these great big scenes up, we don't do the fantasy stuff and i like things to happen naturally, when they fit into the atmosphere as a natural progression from what was said or done, not when the plot dictates that i bend over or MG says so and so, or i play the nawty school girl and he the Teacher..nope, we don't do all that stuff. Doesn't float our boats.
On the other hand, when the occasion arises that the girls are away for a couple of days, we are only to happy to retreat into our M/s when MG can dictate the arrangement for how and what dinner will comprise of and how it wil be served and if he feels some point is needed to be made about something he might have noted with regard to my behaviour or something that i haven't done that he asked me to do, or even something he feels i might not have done to the best of my ability, these are the things we might talk about and debate and if he feels something is needed to be done, if some line is needed to be drawn or some fence mended so that i know where the boundary lays, then this is the times when we, as Master and slave, do those things. We do not need a big set up screen play to carry out the basic M/s life that we live, that is played out in real time... 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...etc etc

He is my Master, i don't need a script to tell me that nor do i need one to tell me how to fulfill the role i have within this relationship. That i know.... off by heart.

What's missing ?

It took me a while to find the answer but when i did, it all made sense.

There have been so many times when i had thought that i was missing something, oh, not before D/s, that's another life, long gone now, no, within my current lifestyle.

i sometimes say to MG, that i miss his Dominance, when for various reasons, we have had to move a little away from our M/s or because life has dictated to us that we have to, even for a short while and i feel this big hole in my life. It might last for an hour, or a day but it is so obvious to me that i have to say something. It consumed me for the duration and all i could do about it was to let it have the moment and wait for it to pass.

These "moods" occurred only of course when i was alone or more to the point, when i was away from MG's side and because of this i had assumed it was because i missed... as i have said, His dominance over me and i have said as much to him and then, just the other evening, after i had communicated this feeling once again to MG while he was at work, the realisation finally hit me.

There are always two side to any coin, and M/s is no exception... MG dominates, i submit to him, we come however, from different ends of the spectrum and met, somewhere in the middle, in our own way satisfying the needs of the other. Those needs are of course, different in as much as altho M/s in nature, their entire makeup comes from a different place and are satisfied by a different happening... mine, to be submissive and therefore a need to serve and see to it that i am giving of myself to the best of my ability. MG's to dominate and receive my submission and all that entails.

But i digress.... so what is this startling revelation, this shining light that has created the spark

It occurred to me that what i was missing was not the Dominant force, because that i never loose, its always with me because M/s is very much a mindset, its in my head, its with me very second of every minute. No, it isn't Dominance, but its the ability to submit that i miss.

Without MG here, without me being in his presence, i find it hard to submit to a blank space, an empty chair, without MG being here to say the words, or give the look, or even not say anything, i am lost as to where to direct my submissive nature, even for a short time.

Silly... maybe but i really find it hard to bring up the submissive nature that is what makes me who i am when i don't have a dominant force to use that submission, if you understand and now i can also understand how very hard it must be for subs who have for some reason or another, lost their Master, having had the force they find themselves without it and have to cope still. It must also be hard for those of a submissive nature who are still searching for that dominant force in their lives to continue totry and find that one who will fill that void in them.

i certainly know that, even for the short time i sometimes have to be away from MG, that i miss him and what he gives to me, far more than i ever imagined i would.

Hurry Home Sir ... miss you xoxox

Unexpected

After many months going on years, you would have thought that i would know how MG would react to most instances. That i could probably read him pretty well and that, accordingly, i could pretty much second guess what to expect. But one of MGs favourite saying is, "Always expect the unexpected" and i didn't and so i came to the occasion of the discipline that was to follow the incident last weekend, rather not expecting anything to dramatic.

We had some time..the children were away for a couple of days and as this had been building up since the time of my outburst, i guess MG had had the time to think about what he intended to do that would focus my mind a little more than usual.

It is well documented that i am a pain slut, i get off on pain, its a pleasurable experience for me and one that we have used on many occasions to send me off into my own space where i can float around to my hearts content on a tide of euphoria, so pain isn't usually something MG will use as a punishment or discipline tool.

However..the unexpected did occur and once again, without all the details... i can say that in an instant, a flash i am taken to the very limit of my pain barrier, with no warning or preparation and held there while it is explained to me that if this does not focus my mind on my behaviour of the last week, then the lasting effects of the administration will, and as the pain rushes through my body i am totally focused on who and what i am and where i have gone wrong and what i must do to make sure it doesn't happen again. The pain is without a doubt, a major focal point for anyone, pain slut or otherwise and it certainly brings you to a place where your thoughts are only on the voice that is telling you why you are here and that if you do not wish to be here again, a curbing of some behaviour trait is called for.

And i can say without a doubt that that is exactly what has occurred, for after some 3 days, parts of my body are still fully aware of the trauma that it suffered that night and as the pain floats over my body during the days that followed i am constantly reminded of my wrong doings and that i have had to be disciplined by my Master and that that is staying with me for more than the moment of infliction to remind me on a higher level than just a quick short sharp shock.

And will i forget in a hurry, i don't think so.

And will i recall the incident, you bet your life i will

And all the while it doesn't matter what it took out of me.. how much it hurt.. or anything.. or how much i exhibited myself... if MG felt he needed to do what he did..and in doing so has some pride in me as his slave.. its all worth while and no amount of pain will make me think otherwise..

i deserved what i got and in taking my punishment ...i might become a better slave..who knows..but at least, on this occasion....i know i did wrong and hopefully..i will learn from this and it wont happen again.

Letting off steam

i should have written this yesterday but thought better of it as i was sure that my view, at that time would have been tainted or even corrupt or weighted down by force of circumstance. Anyway, here we are today, with a clear head and an open mind and a reason to put pen to cyber paper.

The kids are off school, MG is on his 3rd of 4th night shift, i have had a really sore face following a bite or something that caused me to look like i had gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and that required a visit to the doctors and a course of antibiotics. On top of all that the kids have got a new Sims game and trying to get near a PC in this house is almost impossible.
So why am I telling you all this, well, in keeping with the kids, PC's etc theme, the shift key on MGs keyboard had gone haywire and the logical course of action was to get a spare one down from the loft where the bits of PC's are stored these day.
Unfortunately, that requires someone to go up into the loft., which requires the getting of and assembly of, ladder.... which normally MG would do but..... i am not renowned for being patience.

Lets just say, because there really is no justification for my actions, because whatever my reasoning was at the time, was no excuse. i could make a fair good case on my behalf for why i did what i did but at the end of the day, shouting at ones Master and telling him to leave you alone and let you be while you struggle with ladders and loft hatch etc.... really isn't on however fraught or distressed or at the end of a tether one might be.

But, that's what i did... at the top of my voice, with gusto and force and then struggled to complete the extrication of the keyboard, but in doing so i had gone against my Master, against his wishes and on top of that, spoken to him with a huge amount of disrespect and lack of manners. No excuse for that at all and i would be the first to agree now but at the time, stress, strain, kids, moans about shift keys from all quarters, i just wanted to get the damn keyboard and have done with it.

Still, that is no excuse for screaming at MG and now, with hindsight i can see that but in a fit.... well, what can i say.

MG had "something to say" today, and come the weekend, when the kids are not here i am sure we will hear more about this incident which will be duly deserved.

Having said that i thought to myself today whether i will learn anything from this incident and that it would never occur again but i am not sure that i will. i am not sure even if MG punishes/disciplines me for this misdeamour whether, if a similar occasion arose, i would recall this one and remember the consequences. i can say without any doubt that while i was shouting, i did think about what i was doing, that i shouldn't be doing it but by that stage i was too far into my rage/annoyance etc to have a lot of control over my actions., that didn't stop me thinking about my role, my submission, my slavery to MG and that he had spoken and that i should do as he said but the slave in me was way out of reach and the self propelled female was in charge.

Its not always possible to be submissive, sometime natural reactions take over and even we, the submissive natured one, blow a fuse and explode. The problem then is, what to do about it.

• Is exploding once in a while acceptable.
• Is there a limit at which it should stop or can it be let go totally.
• Should one be punished for a once in a while letting off of steam.
• Is there ever, any justification for such behaviour from a lifestyle slave.

i am just rather worried that i am too old and too long in the tooth to learn from this, and with hand on heart i cannot say that i shall come away from this with anything that would make a change in me because what we saw yesterday is a part of me that, altho not often seen... is a part of what makes me, me and as such sometimes might just have to be released.

ICE

i got this from a friend and thought the message was so important that i wanted to share it with everyone I could.

A campaign encouraging people to enter an emergency contact number in their mobile phone's memory under the heading "ICE" (i.e. In Case of Emergency)! , has rapidly spread throughout the world as a particular consequence of the terrorist attacks in London.

Originally established as a nation-wide campaign in the UK, ICE allows paramedics or police to be able to contact a designated relative / next-of-kin in an emergency situation.

The idea is the brainchild of East Anglican Ambulance Service paramedic Bob Brotchie and was launched in May this year. Bob, 41, who has been a paramedic for 13 years, said: "I was reflecting on some of the calls I've attended at the roadside where I had to look through the mobile phone contacts struggling for information on a shocked or injured person.

Almost everyone carries a mobile phone now, and with ICE we'd know immediately who to contact and what number to ring. The person may even know of their medical history."

By adopting the ICE advice, your mobile will help the rescue services quickly contact a friend or relative - which could be vital in a life or death situation. It only takes a few seconds to do, and it could easily help save your life. Why not put ICE in your phone now?

Simply select a new contact in your phone book, enter the word 'ICE' and the number of the person you wish to be contacted. Further reading from another email.

The idea is that you store the word "I C E" in your mobile phoneaddress book, and against it enter the number of the person you would want to be contacted "In Case of Emergency".

In an emergency situation ambulance and hospital staff will then be able to quickly find out who your next of kin are and be able to contact them.
It's so simple that everyone can do it. Please do. For more than one contact name ICE1, ICE2, ICE3 etc."

Questions

It could be said that to ask questions is the way to learn, that to ask and find out what it is you need to know is likely to assist you in only a good way, however, i have found that there are also times, NOT to ask questions.
i have also found that rather more often than not, i ask at the wrong time or the wrong subject.

When i say questions, what i mean is i query, i question, i have to know and sometimes it would be better for me to just accept that something is, or that something will be rather than dig and dig and try to reason out or justify whatever it is.

It would seem that i am never happy with just accepting that something will be if MG has said it will be, i always have to ask Why ? or when/where/how/ etc etc... never is it enough for me to just be told and take it that MG has said so therefore it is.... bad trait in a slave that's for sure.

Silly thing is, i know i am doing it, i can even say before MG does, when he checks me on this.. He is about to say "don't question it slave" and before He can say it i say " i know Sir, don't question"
Something i am aware off that needs some attention on my part. A trait that isn't good and that with MGs help i can work on to minimise.

Of course, within life to question is a good thing, if we didn't question we would be somewhat a doormat and i don't think i am one of those but when it comes to a direction from MG, i really feel that i shouldn't question what he says even if it is because i want to know why i am being asked to do so and so. i have to find some other way to ask rather than come straight out and ask Why ...!!!!

"Why" sounds like a challenge to me and far be it for me to challenge MGs authority... after all, in my submission isn't that what i have given to him, the ability to have that authority over me. ? Isnt that what i gave over when i accepted his collar and his Dominance, to do as he wished me to do without question.

Damn, answering my own questions again...!!!

Floggers and Canes

A quicky blog this evening i think, for a couple of reasons... one i haven't really got that much going on in my head D/s wise, too many nilla things running around in there, my lil one unwell, the London thing and MG having to go to work up there as well. Oh all sorts of mundane things happening that are really of no interest to anyone else but yet have some significant bearing on us. All put together to make up a bit of a reason to feeling tense and uptight.

And here we are again, the weekend comes around and its one that MG isn't at work for, in fact, the last one he wont be at work for, for about 5 weeks so its make the most of it time. Haven't been up to much of anything lately as there always seems to be something to get in the way, last weekend i had the most stinking cold, weekend before MG had it.... if its not one thing, its another that stops us from making the most of the special times we get together. But this weekend, i have my fingers crossed that nothing will get in the way and we might just get some ropes out and give the floggers and canes an outing.

Its so easy to just let it pass and before you know it, its been a month since you played at some heavy BDSM... hey if that's how it works out, so be it but from my point of view, i get soft..literally, the skin softens up and i cannot take anywhere near the amount of caning or flogging as i can when i have been use to the feel created over a couple of weeks/months at regular intervals. So its back to square one and a matter of building up the resistance. Lots of awwwwwwwwwwww's and ouchie i think

Best get on, tomorrow is another day and the first of MGs days off, have to be alert

Confusion yet again

i dream, i desire so many things from within our M/s, i know that i have a need, it can almost be called an urge, to feel his dominance, his power, his control. i know i want this, i know i need it and yet, when it is there, it hurts, its almost to painful to bear sometimes and yet, it is who we are, it is what we do, it is what we have both said over and over again, what we give to one another.

So why, when it is there, do i struggle with it so.

oh sure, i can write about all the ideas of the slave struggling with her submission, sure, i am struggling, sure i get pissed off when i have given 99.9% and it's still not enough, but then there is this spark in me that says……...sheeeshhh woman, of course it isn't, you have to give the other 0.01%, only when you have given that can you say you have given it everything you have and only then will your Master be happy with what you have done, so stop the moaning, you gave yourself, totally, even down to the 0.01% when you accepted his collar and became his slave, no half measures here.

Oh but i struggle.

i struggle with the not having, i moan about not feeling my Masters hand, mentally or physically, when the outside influences get in the way for weeks on end, and then i go and moan when in a few short seconds, in a few words, my Master can literally bring me to my knees. Failure, that awful awful word, turns me into a broken mess and try as i might to ignore that, try as i might to deny the notion that a sub/slave punishes herself far far more than her Master ever can... its right, i do, i did.

i feel bereft, i feel a failure. Its not MGs intention to do that i am sure, it isn't what we are about, it isn't his doing, its all mine, i make myself feel this way, i am the one feeling like this but why, isn’t what happens what we are about, isn’t it right that if i miss something, if i do not do what is expected of me that my Master should, quite rightly, point that out to me , isn’t it right that i should be corrected and be pleased that he has noticed and that he has taken the time to say something......gawd, we both know that had i not been corrected i would.. or could have found a reason to moan about that, that i wasn’t feeling his dominance, that he was playing softly softly with me, in fact, i had said much the same not a few days ago, groaned probably about it, that he was far far to soft and allowed me to get away with far to much, which i bet he agreed with because he does.... and yet

my Master speaks a few harsh words, tells me i have erred and i am a crumbling mess..!!!!

i am not looking for answers here, i just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for listening

Respect

When she speaks with respect, He knows pride;

When she kneels with pride, He knows respect;

When she stands before Him with dignity, placing her being in His charge, He knows responsibility;

When her eyes light up as she says "yes Master"' He knows love..

Challenging

Submission is consensually yielding our own power to that of someone we trust. Not everyone really understands D/s relationships, even those who portend to be in them. Some mistakenly believe that submissives submit out of weakness. Nothing can be farther than the truth. Most submissive women desire a man who is more dominant than she is so that she can feel his "power" and be inspired by his strength. After all, it is easy to dominate someone who is easily controlled, but a challenge to dominate someone who is powerful.

i enjoy M/s, if i didn't iwouldn't be 24/7 with my Master, i identify myself as a submissive, even though there are times when i have to take charge/control of my life and my kids but in general my nature is submissive.

i should stop trying to explain myself....... i am who i am, whatever that is.

100% submissive to my partner, yet dominant when needs dictate. So, does it make me a dominant who submits to a dominant who is MORE dominant?

Does it really matter?

When all is said and done, i am my Master's slave. Nothing can change that fact. Being 100% submissive to my Master doesn't mean that i don't flex my strength every now and then, however, it's short lived. i always yield to his strength and his power over me.

It is not my nature to yield to anyone, but he inspires this from me. i don't give this up easily. But i do so because i can defer to his wisdom, his intelligence. He makes sense. He is rational. i trust his judgment and his power. i respect him and the power he has over me. He has proven himself worthy over and over.

There is no power struggle because he is clearly more dominant than i am. i like it that way. It wouldn't work any other way. Not for me, not for him. He wants a submissive, and i want a Master. i want my man to be stronger than i am, but that by no means makes me any less powerful. It only means that i can be as strong as i am without fearing that i will overpower him, and thereby destroy the M/s relationship we have.

When i yield to his power it is because of his strength, not my weakness. i am not afraid of him. i am with him because i want to be, not because i need to be. i need him in my life because he is my rock and the center of my universe, but not because i am dependent on him for strength.

So, next time i challenge my own submission, our way of life, the very core of who we are, what we are and where we are going, someone kick me in the butt and tell me to stop being so stupid.

What i have is what i want/need/desire..why do i always have to challenge it..!!!!

Roses growing

Being submissive is not about submitting to ANYTHING the Dominant wants just to please him. It's submitting to EVERYTHING he wants that doesn't violate that which is sacred to you. If you cannot trust that he will not violate your sacred principles, you must not submit..

The notion that one has to give ALL, to prove one is sub/slave,whether that "All" is given out of some idea that if you don't give everything you are not a submissive, think, If your gut says it isn't right, there is a good reason. Too often submissives are working so hard to prove to themselves or to another that they ARE REALLY submissive, they ignore everything else, they ignore common sense.

Then you feel so stupid as we really KNEW better the whole time, but have put our common sense aside for want of what..???

You have to figure out what you want in life and for your life before you can know who to look for and know the traits you seek or don't seek in a life partner. Trying to fit the proverbial round peg into a square hole has never worked and will never work, however hard we might try and make it fit.

Be yourselves, be the person who reads the labels in the supermarket and decided that the fresh fruit isn't so fresh after all, don't be hoodwinked into believing it just because you are told it is so... because chances are, its not and roses do not grow around many doors really.!!!

Feet Hurt, Back hurts, Ache all over.

Well, we bought a house.... none of this slave cannot own anything for us, we are far to practical for that. So yes "We" bought a house for our family to live in and with the painting and the decorating... the cleaning of the flat still to do before we return it to our landlord of the last 4 years... we are both totally knackered.
MG took a shift off work to do his bit and i am sure he is quite happy to return to work tomorrow evening, just to have a rest because i have to say it has been a hard 2 weeks slog. Every day back and forth between the flat and the house, trying to maintain some sort of life between the 2, trying to keep body and soul together, not just us but the kids as well. Well i think its about finished... the decorating at least.... all we have to do now is move and altho that is going to take a bit of graft, it cannot be anywhere as near as what we have been doing for the past couple of weeks.
And talking of "slaves"..how silly some people can be.. the idea that you have to be "in slave mode" 24/7, how many times have we said that it is not possible to be and yet i am shocked this week to find one of the most staunch slaves i had come to read a lot about, saying she and her Master are moving away from the lifestyle because it no longer seems to fit in with their other life activities. Of course it doesn't, not all day every day but does that make one not D/s, not in my book because i am convinced that this lifestyle is in your blood, you cannot hide from it, you cannot walk away from it, you cannot deny its existence... we find that we drift sometimes, from our M/s, sometimes we are very deep into the Master/slave roles, other times we could be seen as equal partners in a relationship, we are also parents and as such need to be a dual force where our children are concerned, that sometimes means that our M/s is buried under a lot of other influences, but trust me....it id never far away, never that far under the surface.

How people can just walk away from this.... i have no idea..!!!

Steps and paths and journeys

A TV advert has caught my eye these past couple of days and every time it comes on the television i am struck by its content. Matters not really what they are advertising suffice to say that the content goes something like this.

"Be who it is you want to be"

"What works for you may not work for everyone else"
"Make small changes as many small changes will make up to one big change"
"Every journey we take begins with the first step"

So why does this have such an effect on me. Well, if this was an advert for living a D/s lifestyle it wouldn't be far wrong is my first thought. Secondly the concept that life is built up of journeys has been one that is often talked about within our world of D/s, as is "walking the path".

But in the main, why i am so attracted to these words right now has little or nothing to do with the overall concept or meaning behind the words. However, they do strike a cord in me and we could all do well to take note of the meaning behind them. But i digress, so why am i so taken by all this ?

"Every journey we take begins with the first step"...that's the bit that for me says what it is that is wandering around in my brain hour after hour of late because i had thought, assumed, that i had started my journey a long time ago, this journey, this M/s lifestyle choice and that having started all those many many moons ago, that by definition i must be, should be, at least a good way along my chosen path, not nearing the end by any means, but at least a fair way along the road, a lot of water under each bridge, vast amounts of knowledge gains, techniques learnt, etc etc. And yet......

Those words have all of a sudden said to me.... Hold on here cleo, maybe you are not quite so far along the path as you think you are, maybe in fact, you are still just touching the tiniest tip of the iceberg, maybe you are only just beginning.

And i see it all clearer with that thought. i see why i question, why i doubt, why i am never satisfied with what it is i know or think i know, why i am always asking for more, need more, want more.

i have gone over the crest of the hill when it comes to the journey of life, at 50 i have done that and been there and i am on the downward slope now but..... in my M/s life, in this life, this journey, i am just born even tho my choice bought me to this place some 4 years ago, i am a new born, learning every single day, something new and i feel that each day must be a journey in itself to have lasted so long that in those 4 years i have only traveled such a short distance. Because it is obvious that i haven't traveled far, not anywhere near far enough because with each day i find new things, i feel new things, i experience new things. Each incident, each activity something new happens.

And there i was, so sure that i was an old hand at all this M/s stuff, after all.. i am a 24/7 slave, what is there that i don't know about living M/s, i have to know it all or how could i possible live it... WRONG... that's my mistake.. i don't know and because i don't, i loose what it is i thought i had under all the feelings of what i think i am expected to do, or what i expect. Its not about expecting, its not even about experiencing, its about tasting and trying and liking and finding out and trying some more and moving on, not forward, just on, maybe into another direction and keeping on traveling and finding out and testing this way and that way and seeing ifs its what you want and need. Doesn't matter if it doesn't fit the norm, doesn't work as you have been told to believe it will, all that matters is that, it works for you and yours and that at the end of it you come out with what you feel is good for you. Those damn labels say, i am slave and as such, so and so is expected of me... bulls***, the only thing that's expected of me, comes from MG

Of course we have used a good many techniques during our time together, and of course, we know how each may respond to any given situation, however, the slightest nuance, the slightest alteration in mood or temperament (on either part) and we will find ourselves in a place on the map that we have never ever been to before. And lets not forget, that with every journey, the first step is going to dictate the direction we are going in at that time..and even, "that time".. is a beginning of another journey, within our M/s journey because its going to be a new situation every single time.

So now i can stop beating myself up, stop worrying why i feel so bad sometimes that i am not doing what i feel is expected of a seasoned lifestyler. Why i might not be up there doing what it is i am meant to be doing, My problem was.... that i thought, i knew it all.... and i don't but at least now, i have realised that... i can have so much fun finding out.

Progress Report

Quick drop in to let those who are interested in what happening....exactly what is happening with us right now.

Lets review what's what then.

• Divorce. Papers have been served to my Ex and he has returned them and i am duly informed that the Nisi will be done ASAP. 6 weeks after that the absolute and i shall be a free woman.
• Smoking. Going ok for us both, Neither of us have broken the silent vow that we will not smoke again. Too many reasons to not take up the weed again and very few in favour off. The "i need a fag" syndrome is still there and isnt getting any less with time but i think we are both far to strong and determined to quit for good that there is no way the urges will win.
• MGs job is ok at present altho still Friday/Saturday/Sunday nights. But 3 nights a week isnt bad and is over before you can even begin to think about it, each week. The time frame for his company to alter the shift pattern is the beginning of June so its really a matter of waiting and seeing what they come up with to replace the 3 nights. Watch this space.
• Our M/s is... our M/s..just that. It works in a way that is just there, sometimes showing obviously, other times, in the background, but whatever, its there and will spark into life or not, as the mood and the situation dictates.
• House. Contracts about to be exchanged, we are hoping to be moved in by my Birthday which is 30th June. Would be nice, fingers crossed

Everything else. Going on about as smoothly as in any household. Kids are fine and once exams are out of the way and the summer is here, time for them to chill out and relax a bit, which both deserve.