accountability

My thoughts are scattered today and i am not sure why. i am feeling pretty good today and i don't feel an ounce of stress and believe me my middle name is "stress". i was determined to have a good day and so far i have. i haven't let anything get me down and i feel really good today and it's been a very long time where i have felt good about me. Life is funny sometimes but as far as i am concerned life is good today ....it might have not been good yesterday and it might not be good tomorrow but i am focusing on today and today it's very good.
My underlying thought is i need accountability and discipline if needed i love Master very much He is the best thing that has ever happened to my life. But discipline was very therapeutic for me and i know that i really need a” firm" hand once in a while, what i need is to be held accountable for minor and major misdeeds. Even just a good talking too goes a long way to balancing me, puts some purpose back where its lost, Thank You Sir for the talk, i did listen and will certainly act on some of Your suggestions

mirror

i have been thinking about our relationship. Trying to evaluate how hard of a job MG has and how hard it really is to be a Dom. i never really thought about his job as being hard ....in my mind being the boss is the easy part ....it's being submissive that is the hard job.
But i did give it some fair thought and after thinking about it and evaluating it all i came to the conclusion that it could be a stressful job! i know that he always makes his decisions according to my best interest.
i love MG with all of my heart and soul and i would do anything for him and it breaks my heart to think that i have made his job harder than it has to be. Some days i look at myself in a mirror and i think ...oh god who would want to be with me? Or no wonder MG rarely wants to touch me in certain ways .......that is how i think most of the time. i know i got to get past a lot of this and i am trying but it's a hard road to travel. There are a lot of days that out of the blue i just want to cry and it's because i am so unhappy with myself and with the way i look ....and i think no wonder MG rarely think of wanting sex with me..... My thought process needs a lot of work though! i guess i am lucky that MG at least wants to spank me.I try to think about the positives but most of the time i fail it's very hard to be happy with yourself when half of you is never going to work right again. i have to do some reverse thinking so i can get past that and start loving and liking myself again. i am not happy with myself ...I hate "ME" and i don't know how to start loving myself. i don't understand how MG can love me because i take one good look at myself and i wonder why or what he sees in me to love! But i guess men deal with it differently than women do. It's all hard for me, i wish it were easier. Some days i do love myself but other days i end up hating myself and those are the days that i don't look forward too so every day that i love myself are the days i cherish.

Masters slave

In so many ways i am a lucky slave to have a Master who gives me as much latitude as he does i am free to express opinions (within reason ), He doesn’t outwardly control every aspect of my life. But yet every action has become one with him in mind. What i wear, even what i make for dinner each night, i think “Master would really enjoy having that tonight". i can’t wait until i can once again kneel every day. Feel that centred grounding place.

God I love that place.

The “yes, this is where I’ve longed to be all day” place.

Being able to serve has only made me stronger in who i am. Having a Master whose convictions so closely match my own has given me more strength to be the woman I’ve always longed to be. i know that i please him, and that makes me stronger in everything that i do as a slave, friend, sibling, mother. It also gives me the freedom to let go, surrender the control, put myself into His hands. There’s no greater feeling in the world for me than to know i’m serving, i’m pleasing, i’m loved, i’m used, i’m treasured.

i want nothing more than to serve, to make His life more enjoyable by doing all the little chores that need to be done, to give to Him all that i am, all that i can be and all that i will be. i want nothing more than to make Him happy, to surrender my very existence to Master

Brat

i think i have been a little annoying lately..bratty to say the least.
im full of comments on things that really are nothing to do with me. Sometimes i try too hard..i. do not mean to be annoying..if that is what i am,i’m sure i am if im honest, i bug Master to distraction sometimes, on the littlest of things, when i don’t get my way, i brat out, I know im doing it, know i shouldn’t but somewhere inside me i justify the questioning, the reasons for change when really that is not my place at all, i can say to myself that there is no reason as to why i shouldn’t question i know i have this tendency to over analyze and like to make sure i am still on the right page.its been said i create things to worry about when there are noneThere are times i feel so attached and embedded into Master that it overwhelms me with feelings of contentment and then there are others where i feel so far away and remote that i feel as if i am treading water in the distance.
For a submissive, i am a bit of a control freak when it comes to certain areas of my life. Not sure if that is a pro or a con in the submissive arena..but i am honest enough to admit it

submissive junkie

i am many things, the reason i am specifically here is because i am a slave to my core. Sometimes very quiet, other times i have much to say.

That feeling of ease that is with me always. Even during the course of a crazy day away from my Master, i am able to think "i am owned" and it brings me comfort.

If ever Master leave me alone on this astral plane I shall be so angry at Him for doing so.

I am convinced that its His responsibility to see that that does not happen by taking care of all the things He is set to care about aka, all the things He does have a certain amount of control over. His own health for starters. .

My desire and need to serve will never leave me, When i am stressed, upset, or anxious, i always leaned on my slavery heavily. When i am feeling out of sorts, i want nothing more than to have the outlet of service to make me feel better.

Sad thought really but its one that never leaves me, who will i serve when im 60/70/80, if Master leaves me, gawd that scare the hell out of me.i want to beg Him to look after Himself better, will He listen,

I doubt it cause Hes stubborn and like so many people think He is indestructable.

At 20 we all put the pension/ life insurance on hold , its miles away , why worry now, well let me tell you 20 to 50 goes by in a flash as does 50 to 80 I’ve no doubt, please Sir , if only for my peace of mind, “take care”

He won't though. Not now, not next week because He’s invincible.

Anyway...to sum it up rather simply...i am here... i am owned . And that is how i want it to continue for a long time.

Maybe that is not a huge surprise to anyone. The choice of where i need to be is right by my Master side.M/s has been compared to a drug.. that makes me a pain junkie, a submissive junkie, a i need my Master junkie...the list can go on and on.

It is true i am.

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

The most delicious part of D/s is when my brain shuts up and i can enjoy the pleasure of knowing i am His to use as He wishes. With or without my own pleasure. i am safe in the knowledge that Master owns me. In deepest submission i surrender my everything to Him.i feel when He forcefully takes control of His slave i can slip back into the warmth of my slavery. Where i am at peace.Am i grateful to have a Master who allows me to question and make my requests? Does my questioning and needy demands change the outcome No. i have no part of my life that is separate or private from Him. It is His wish to share some of my thoughts, He of course may do.Giving up control allowed this slave new freedom and self-control that may have always been within but was never allowed to shine outward.
i need to stay focused on what is important in my life now...us as ONE, growing together.
i am YOURS, yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow
Yesterday is a memory
Whether it was good or bad
No matter right or wrong
The days of yesterday are now gone
We can't undue the mistakes we have made
We can only live, learn, and pray today.

Today is the only day we can be sure of
We must live it to its fullest
Live, love, and grow
Give your heart away and let it show
Don't worry about tomorrow and what it may bring
Only think about today and live it well

Because

Tomorrow is another chance, another day
A day to do what is right
A day to correct the wrongs of yesterday
A day to make someones day bright
A day to spread kindness
But most of all it is another day to love
So take yesterday
and Make today
A better day tomorrow

Poem written by Cindy Bader June 10, 2001. Copyright © 2001

Belonging

It's been noted that I've posted a lot about personal thoughts, my feeling towards Master rather than about our M/s as such so entries into my journal are not really about our lifestyle as much as they should be. Now, I'm gonna stop being so damn lazy and get this journal back on track.

Every once in awhile, something just really hits hard about belonging to someone else. Often it is the craziest things that have nothing to do with the exhibited concept of submission.

During everyday normal daily existence i get smacked with who i am by just little things that occur out of the blue every once in a while. Such as I’ll see something I’d like to buy either for me or one of the girls or even for Master i struggled with if He would be okay with me buying it. i figured since the total purchase would be under £10 he wouldn't mind(i'm assuming here of course and making my own reasons for doing what i want to do). But i really struggled back and forth with it because i am owned and everything i do i need to ask permission so it just throws my brain into a tizzy, it would probably take 10 to 15 minutes of me talking to myself back and forth, "should i, shouldn't i, knowing all along i shouldn't, but convincing myself if it would be okay and that just really brings home to me who i am. Then if i have gone and bought something without asking i have this huge guilt trip because i know deep down i should have asked (Master doesnt often deny me anything, im one very spoilt slave). No –one punishes a slave more than she does, herself.
Other times it comes when i stop myself from making a decision regarding our home, it suddenly occurs to me that i can't make that decision, thats Master place not mine. i have to wait for Him to say yes or no.
Then there are moments that happen that i feel like this is who i have been forever and the movement come and passes naturally without a second thought.i am my Masters slave.

I am nuts about this Man

i am nuts about this Man. i love everything about Him. He is so GOOD to me. He knows when to hold me and when to use me.As I sit and reflect, i have no idea what i ever did to deserve Him. This Man who senses my feelings and my mental state and reflects them, this Man who adores my spirit and my quirks and my body. When He calls me slave, my insides melt and i long to just curl up into Him. When He looks closely at me, i hope He sees something that makes Him proud. Yes, i have been a pleaser my whole life... with Master it is something so different- it's in me.
i trust Him with every part of me, including the ugliness. i don’t know why, but it has been this way from day one of our relationship. i have shared things with Him that no one knows. i have told Him things that i told no other person ever.
Today I’m reminded that HE CHOSE ME, i was told, no discussion. Despite the mess, despite the pain, despite the past; HE CHOSE ME. i just hope i never let him down. i hope and pray i never give Him cause to rethink his choice.
There is something in His nature that i inherently trust and desire to draw close to. He makes me want to be better in all areas of myself, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically...Master understands it all.
Crazy as that sounds.... this is where my heart is... inside His heart. Master makes me feel safe, and wanted and beautiful

challenges, limitations

We all have limitations. Some of us stagnate, feeling unable to overcome the hurdles life has placed in front of us. Some of us thrive as a result of a challenging environment, our struggles refine our characters and make us even greater people.
slave has learned over time the best way to face those challenges is with faith and focus on our reality. With faith in Master's love and direction, i am ever closer to my goal of beating the obstacles that my lifes path has in store for me. Huge challenges become merely hurdles on the journey of my life. Master remains calm and strong and His attitude and direction allows me the freedom to meet the obstacle with resolve and commitment, knowing i am a reflection of Him and subject to His will. i will carry His love and support with me as i face situations which will challenge my strength and courage. i have found new courage and freedom from old enemies by no longer allowing them to control me or my actions. This slave knows who and what controls her and to whom she answers. She wears His collar and His permanent mark with immense pride. Thank You Sir

Pain in the arse !!

i have to let Him know that he's loved and worshipped more than any other man on this earth. Because not only is he the perfect, the best, of all Masters, but he's also just an incredible man. It’s terribly difficult to ever stay angry with a man who sacrifices so much, to deal with a headstrong slut who should know better, but You puts up me.

i honestly have no idea what i could have done to deserve love like this, to have someone so thoroughly who could really do so much better, with someone he wouldn't have to spend the rest of his life looking after. If i were any less selfish, i would give You up. But i feel just fine about being incredibly selfish the rest of my life. i only hope You finds me worth it, in the end.

• i realised that maybe i emphasise your good points just a little.
• i may get slightly sulky once in a while.
• i know, occasionally i need a reminder of who You are and who i am.
  

Even though this was suppose to be(with all due respect of course) my complaining-about-what-a-pain-in-the-arse-You-can-be-sometimes, it really can't be, because, in the greater scheme of things Your so incredible and good to me all the time and sometimes it surprises me all over again just how madly and desperately in love i am, and how in spite of all the crap I'm happier than I've ever been, with a prospect of. Well who knows what’s around the next corner, I'm not lying: Master really is perfect.
Thank You Sir, for just being You

Reflection

i was about to write something artistic and airy here, something that tried to convey the deep satisfaction i feel in as few words as possible. Something like: Sometimes all i want is His hand in my hair with the other across the small of my back, both pulling me closer to Him. Sometimes all i want is to be made feel breathless, helpless, completely under His protection, under His guidance and control. Those are the times i allow myself to rest and think of nothing but Him. i need those times. i don't really feel like saying an awful lot today. So now i think i will just sit.

what do i do all day

People get trapped by the words Master/slave, or total power exchange. This never ceases to amaze me, though i suppose i should be used to it by now. Some seem to think that being a slave their duties are clearly spelled out (micro-managed) by the dominant and they end there. This is not true. Part of being a successful slave is having the desire to please Master. This means in both the ways He orders you to and in ways that you simply notice He enjoys and then doing those things for Him even though He did not ask you to. Master like this initiative taking in His slave i think. It shows that slave truly is interested in pleasing Him before herself.
Mostly my day is like most other people who are stay at home mums with teenage daughters. Lots of time is taken up with housework, straightening out, prepaing meals and all that stuff. So all of that is included.For me however, the mental knowledge . No certainty, is that everything i do is to please Master often make a difficult day a little easier. i try to remember that i am supposed to be pleasing Him.To watch me go about my daily routine you would have no idea that i was owned. The power exchange is subtle and quiet. It can get loud if the situation warrants it, but most of the time it is simply this very quiet knowledge within myself that i belong to Master and that everything i do either must please him or have a really good excuse for not pleasing him.i do the same things everyone else does in real life. i shop, cook, clean, and do what my Master tells me to do. If i fail, i expect punishment. That's about it for what i do all day

a submissive thought

A submissive thought for the day, so that one can focus on a different aspect of submission daily and maybe attempt to behave in that manner so that your life might be more submissive in nature. i personally use mantras , ie a little rhyme that i can recite to myself to focus me, if i might need that for example

• "I live to obey master. I live to serve master. I live to pleasure master. I am lost without master "
• "He is Master and I am slave. He is Owner and I am owned. He commands and I obey.
• "He is to be pleased and I am to please. And why is this? Because he is Master and I am slave."

my submissive thought for the day :

I am not responsible for other people’s issues

Master

For me, M/s is entwined with trust and comfort and safety and love. Of course, passion plays an important part in its due time, but it a necessary ingredient for me to love.Another part of love and our M/s for me is gratefulness. Sort, the universe, fate, however else you may call it, saying thanks for letting me experience this.There are many people in my life who have and still continue to cause these feelings in me. My Masters, some family members,.But I'd like to single out my Master for this post. He is one of the reasons that my self is more or less intact.He is kind and caring and stubborn as a goat. He is wise and funny and will unfailingly make the right decision. He exasperates me, comforts me, annoys me and challenges me. He has seen me through my best times and my absolute worst times. And through it all, He has not stopped being my rock.Now my Master. being Your slave enhances all areas of my life, those we work on together and simple day in and day out activities i do on my own are coloured with a mindfulness that centers me and brings my thoughts to You. Accepting and honouring my submission in whole is honouring who i am at heart and therefore allows me to fully surrender myself to Your care. i can’t offer You my body without my soul. The rightness lies in being entirely in Your care and i am…all of me.

Reward & punishment

i have been thinking about how i need more structured rules in my life, with both punishment and rewards as part of the system. And as i was thinking about this, i had to wonder: am i really, seriously asking to be punished for things? Do i want to be punished for things i'm nearly certain to do (or, more to the point, do i want to be punished for not doing things i'm nearly certain not to do)?And the answer is, "No, of course i don't WANT to be punished for these things."Which leads to the next question: Why do i ask to be spanked.Aafter all, it hurt, hurts like hell? Yet i ask, again and again knowing that the moment i bend to Your hand, I’m in pain.i really don't like being punished i don't enjoy it. It’s not fun, i don't know how it is that it's different from spanking for fun, but it definitely is. i love to be spanked for fun, no matter how hard or long, even though i know its goning to hurt like hell. Punishment spankings are different. They can be very short, and not even necessarily very hard, but they tend to encourage me to change my behaviour.i think a major aspect of all this spanking is that You are paying attention to me, and that You care about what i do, and how i treat myself. So when there's an element of trying to communicate through negative behaviour (and i hate to admit this, but i know that i have done this), some kind of response is required.On the flip side, when i do something wrong unintentionally, i often have a very difficult time stopping beating myself up about it (in the figurative sense). And in these cases, the self-punishment is utterly out of proportion to the mistake that i made. A spanking will often helps me to let go of the need to be angry at myself, and helps me to move on, (PLEASE NOTE).In both cases, although i absolutely dread getting the punishments, they leave me feeling safer and more secure, better balanced, and more whole.But this is something that i can't quite understand at the moment when there's about to be a punishment. Although i can say, calmly and rationally, separate from the actual situation, that i know it's good for me... in the moment, I'd do anything i could to avoid it. I'd argue. If i were a better liar, i might lie. i resist. This is a complex situation. Given a choice, i would far rather not be punishing me at all. And it's very confusing, that i ask for something, and then fight it with all my might when it comes to the point of doing it.Some of the resistance is testing to see whether Master really cares enough to follow through with the consequences. And some of it is simply that, while i might know that the consequences are good for me, there's nothing that says i actually want to deal with them. i may not want the punishment, but i definitely want its results.