Reward & punishment

i have been thinking about how i need more structured rules in my life, with both punishment and rewards as part of the system. And as i was thinking about this, i had to wonder: am i really, seriously asking to be punished for things? Do i want to be punished for things i'm nearly certain to do (or, more to the point, do i want to be punished for not doing things i'm nearly certain not to do)?And the answer is, "No, of course i don't WANT to be punished for these things."Which leads to the next question: Why do i ask to be spanked.Aafter all, it hurt, hurts like hell? Yet i ask, again and again knowing that the moment i bend to Your hand, I’m in pain.i really don't like being punished i don't enjoy it. It’s not fun, i don't know how it is that it's different from spanking for fun, but it definitely is. i love to be spanked for fun, no matter how hard or long, even though i know its goning to hurt like hell. Punishment spankings are different. They can be very short, and not even necessarily very hard, but they tend to encourage me to change my behaviour.i think a major aspect of all this spanking is that You are paying attention to me, and that You care about what i do, and how i treat myself. So when there's an element of trying to communicate through negative behaviour (and i hate to admit this, but i know that i have done this), some kind of response is required.On the flip side, when i do something wrong unintentionally, i often have a very difficult time stopping beating myself up about it (in the figurative sense). And in these cases, the self-punishment is utterly out of proportion to the mistake that i made. A spanking will often helps me to let go of the need to be angry at myself, and helps me to move on, (PLEASE NOTE).In both cases, although i absolutely dread getting the punishments, they leave me feeling safer and more secure, better balanced, and more whole.But this is something that i can't quite understand at the moment when there's about to be a punishment. Although i can say, calmly and rationally, separate from the actual situation, that i know it's good for me... in the moment, I'd do anything i could to avoid it. I'd argue. If i were a better liar, i might lie. i resist. This is a complex situation. Given a choice, i would far rather not be punishing me at all. And it's very confusing, that i ask for something, and then fight it with all my might when it comes to the point of doing it.Some of the resistance is testing to see whether Master really cares enough to follow through with the consequences. And some of it is simply that, while i might know that the consequences are good for me, there's nothing that says i actually want to deal with them. i may not want the punishment, but i definitely want its results.