Balance

Being open and honest at all times seems easy enough, right? But in any other type of relationship how much openness and honesty was really there? Because most of the time we Think we are doing this with each other but there is always something lurking around that you couldn’t - or wouldn’t - tell the other for the fear of backlash.

i learned that by not being completely open and honest with Master i am in essence taking away an aspect of control from Him. If i’m not telling Him my thoughts then i am essentially holding back a part of me and not giving Him my whole self. So that if i have thoughts and fears and worries and anxiety - no matter how minor or major - i try to tell Him immediately. i still hold back but only because inside my own head my thoughts and fears seemed trivial and do i really need to bother Him with stuff like that, but is it my decision to even think i know what He wants or needs to know with regard to how im thinking. My overall well being is His concern so He needs to know all about my physical, mental and emotional balance at all times.

black hole

Master's very good about not keeping me "in-the-loop" with things . If i don't know what the plan is, true i can't build up any expectations. If i don't have any expectations, i can't be disappointed. If i'm not disappointed, i don't head off into Master's gone vanilla/hates me/doesn't want me anymore/ thinks i'm a fat cow/ territory but i need to know, im a worrier, and have an over active imagination, and because this is so, i can create in a matter of hours this huge black hole that just eats away from inside outwards. Truth, so tell me, id rather know then i can at least adjust to the consequences of the reality. a black hole is so powerful that nothing, including light can escape its pull. The black hole has a one-way surface, into which objects can fall, but out of which nothing can come, reflecting nothing, i need the light, i need to know where im at all the time, i need to feel that control, good or bad, so tell me. nothing is so bad if i know.

to err is human, to forgive divine"

i’m a good slave. Good enough that He doesn’t have to micromanage me. And i have a lot more “freedoms” under His hand than most might because of how i carry myself most of the time.(occassional i'll err, but no ones pefect) But it’s also why i feel like i’m flapping in the breezes sometimes…waiting for somebody to take hold of my sails and turn me into the wind so that i go the right direction instead of just drifting. He grabs the sails when He has to; and the control is there, just under the surface. i just don’t always feel it or see it.

Today's Idiom ="to err is human, to forgive divine"

The Child In Me

i could give a complicated explanation, but what would be gained by that?

The child ... there in every urge to stomp my foot. Whether i actually do, or just mimic the motion by jerking my leg without ever taking my foot from the ground. i can even stomp my foot in bed ...

a sudden, controlled release of stress.
There when I've stayed up too late, and want to be tucked softly into bed. And there when i don't want to go to bed yet or i have to wake too early (hence the perfection of the foot stomp in bed!)

There when I'm too tired to answer questions, too needy to make decisions or even make sense and frustration is threatening to overwhelm me.
There in every playful, silly moment. When i want to giggle a lot, or need to just be silly ...

She is there in each moment that i want to be taken care of, in a hundred different ways, for whatever reasons. She is there ... that child part of me, and she is welcome. i may only have recognized her as i began to explore and understand the 'needy' part of me, but that in no way tarnishes or diminishes her importance.
She is there, living comfortably alongside the woman i am, unafraid, because i have learned to let that child inside me be. i've learned that i am a physically, mentally and emotionally strong woman. Capable of much more than i ever thought possible, and she is part of all of that.

.
A huge part of the peace i feel surrounding this child in me. One small part of a wonderful whole.

i used to worry that this part of me was somehow a ... repercussion of/to the D/s needs i was exploring ... a cause perhaps. Something missing ... something missed as a child. Something ... unnatural.

But ... no worries!
i may still sometimes wonder about her, but there is no shame. When i give in to that part of me, i don't give up any of the responsibility of my life, or let down those that depend on me. Somehow, her presence better enables me to be all that i am in every part of my life ... to live up to the things i feel matter the most ...

know yourself, live honestly, love completely.

perfect slave

i have often been called a "perfect" slave, which, to me, means that i give it my all, not that i never screw up.
i have given Master power in exchange for freedom, but even that seeming inequality is less dramatic than it appears on the surface. We do not have equal power, but we have equal value as human beings. and we know, that when the times comes to pull out all the stops and be there for the other, in whatever capacity the situation demands, we can always count on the other.He worries about pleasing me, often ignoring his best instincts, and as a result, leaves us both dissatisfied, because i cannot be satisfied if he is not.When he follows his instincts, and behaves as a compelling, leader. He commands respect and deference from me, and in receiving them, he feels loved and valued.

But the point is, both our lives have been greatly enriched by behaving towards each other in ways that may seem silly to an outsider, but absolutely natural to us both.

i know what you want

i know how much you want to hold the woman who wants you to make love to her. To take her in your arms knowing that it is just the start of the journey and the eventual destination is wet and wanton and wicked.

You want to feel her press her breasts into your chest, run her hands over your body, demonstrate her desire for you. Her lips soft and warm against your face. Her tongue wrapping around yours and burying itself deep inside your mouth. Hear her breathing quicken as your fingers find her nipples and squeeze. You want to rip her clothes off and have her return the favour. Feel her naked flesh against yours, her arms around your neck, hard nipples thrusting into your chest, thighs gripped around your waist, cunt opening for you, soft and slick against your belly. Wanting, lusting, begging for you... i hope sir

Anticipation

Very rarely does Master order me.He has a tendency to ask and say please, i smile. He knows i know though. i knows that a request from Him, is absolutely an order.

Forgetting to do something that is requested, or ignoring it, or being bratty about it doesn’t get an immediate reprimand or punishment. It will usually get a grin, a little laugh, but it should always be remembered and in time, dealt with.

i enjoy it that way. i like Master to whisper that He remembers into my ear when we are out in public.. i like the look in his eye when He reminds me of an earlier request. i like the way He makes me flinch the tiniest bit when He tell me Hes not pleased in some way.

Anticipation. !!

Limitations

I am up to my eyeballs in rest. i have no other choice because of my physical limitations these days, i just need to feel normal or as normal as possible.my lack of patience is probably why i walk around frustrated most days. i walk around half the time not sure of what i want and need to be happy only to realize that what i thought would pacify me, doesn't. i grow bored quickly.

I found myself thinking about what i really want, and i don't know that i have a firm plan just yet. i don't know what the future holds, but i hope it contains much happiness, love, adventure, passion, kink, spanking, and security!! i need live to in the moment for now ;-) .......

Pages of a book

i am a slave
This is who i am. This makes me happy. This is right for me.
I'm not going to stop my submission or even put it on hold.i have been having doubts of whether submission really works in this day and age, i've been trying to work through those doubts, but they're my own and on a completely different level to every day life. i don't want to lose my understanding of my submission, i want to return to that place where, i don't doubt, i so want to go there.

i know who i love, who i submit to and how i want to love Him, submit to Him, just hope we can met on the same page of the same book.>

optical illusion

There are times where i think myself inside a box. The box is cushioned and clean, and it’s painted white inside. i think it means that i feel im, going no where, no beginning , no end, just a huge spiral, like one of those images( optical illusion) that go on endlessly never reaching a destination or pinnacle.
I haven’t explored my submission much recently; instead, it has become the subject of memory and fantasy. Don’t misunderstand me — it’s not that i’ve stopped being submissive or wanting that in my life. i guess you can’t be a true submissive without vulnerability though. and sometimes i feel soo venerable, and i get hurt.
All i know is that it's easy to climb back into my pretty white box, pull my security blanket right up over my head. and wrap myself in a no care, no worry cushion, because sometimes the hurt is to painful.

Have &Have not's

Society is divided into two groups, the "haves" and the "have-nots."If we dwell on the halve nots life becomes a never ending struggle. If you think life is a struggle you will always be struggling, If you think life is a breeze your attitudes and actions will convey lightness and ease.. And that's what attracts everything you need, and much more. Make life a breeze not a battle. sounds like common sense to me.

Bitch

When i slip out of submissive space, i feel afraid. i don’t know for sure who is in control. For all the years of my first marriage, i was the leader, and i didn’t want to be. i took the lead because my ex husband couldn't. It wore me out, because it’s just not the way i was designed.
i was designed to be someone’s loving slave.
When i stay in submissive space, i do not worry. i trust my Master to be in control. This frees my mind and heart so that my basic nature, shines through. Most of the time, if i act bitchy, it’s because I’m afraid of something. If I’m not afraid, there’s no need to be a bitch. It’s really as simple as that.

im Yours

Life completely got screwed up this week. i dislike when things are out of control. Funny coming from a girl who claims to be submissive, but i like order.
I've been distant for a bit due to imaginary issues i felt i was having. Hopefully, everything is sorted now. im done putting myself back together and smoothing down the frayed ends. i pushed and provoked and back talked my way right into what i deserved. Spoiled little girl stomping her feet and demanding to have it her way. My hands on my hips, the glare in my eye. No sugar coating my sass with a smile.So i may need a moment to regain my balance and to collect myself, i am most definitely am not down for the count. i always want more. There's no keeping a good girl down.
Give me.... Please Sir
Take from me..
Its all Yours anyway

Stages

im going through a stage analyzing everything about our relationship and the activities we engage in.i know that there are probably no answers and i have no doubt in a few days i will get over it. Its not about having doubts, im happy and secure, i love You very much and i know that You love me, its more me needing an explanation of what makes me enjoy what i do and i suppose fear as well.


What i do know is that in many ways i have it good as a slave compared to some, and i think at times i have a tendency to take this for granted, i read an intresting article about "false entiltilement" which occurs when a slave begins to see "things" or situations as her "right" an example could be expressing an opinion or eating dinner, are these "rights" or are they privilages? You do allow me to express myself, i have this blog for example and i am quite verbal at times especially if i have a strong opinion about something. When i do give an opinion it should be given in a respectful manner of course. I know that at times im not as respectful as i should be, sometimesYou will pick up on this and other times not, but You could should You want to take away my "right" to an opinion because it could be said that as a slave my opinion is not important, its a privilage and as such can be removed. As for beginning eating im meant to ask permission (when we are together), i very rarely do unless reminded and have taken it for granted that You would never refuse, so again this is not a "right" that i am entitled too.
The point im getting to is i think im at a point where i feel i need You to be more controlling and to follow that through constitantly, on the other hand i am also aware that for You, life pressure may take the place of pleasure ones and Your mind can be so full of real life preasure that my need are rather mundane in the greater scheme of things

Mistakes

i often remind myself that while i assume he expects perfection, Sir also accepts that i make mistakes from time to time. i tend to be harder on myself when i do mess up than he is on me. So much so that i wonder why in the heck he is taking it so easy on me. A time when i need to remind myself that it is not my place to punish myself. That i need to accept what is being said or done to address the issues by him and let it go..

Journey

I don’t claim that this journey called life, is always enjoyable. Like any great adventures it is filled with highs and lows, joys and sorrows, tears of misery and bliss. Often there is a feeling of such love that you feel you may burst, or longing so great that you’re so convinced you may die of heartache.

I ask if you can think of the deepest love you can imagine, a love so great that you’d do anything at all to keep that person happy, to always feel your love for them and to never let them forget it; For that is what it means to be a slave to my Master
By, God help me, I’ll not give it up for anything.

heart, body, and soul

i sit here and wonder if i am enough to retain the heart of the man who love and adore me, hopefully forever. The man i will forever call Master to my heart, body, and soul.Deep down inside i know that i do all i need to , but i also know there's more and as such i shall continue to improve my abilities to please, there are always things to learn , to improve, no one is ever perfect.

Velcro collar's

So many wear collar's just to wear it. And hey it is their right but it also make me annoyed because i know about earning the right to wear a collar. To be owned. To serve and please my Master. And i guess i feel it "lessens" the meaning of it. For many to see those who play at it. But when you are owned and collared there is a pride of wearing that collar and serving your Master. And because Joanna Blogs thinks it looks good with an outfit and wears it i think lessens the meaning to those looking in.
So now the next question is what does it matter if what anyone thinks as long as you know it.

Well, it diminishes the views for anyone new coming into the scene and those looking in from the outside. They see Joanna Blogs wearing one and might assume she owned and collared when she is not in the deeper sense of the meaning. Maybe they see a slave who is owned but Joanna Blogs was not owned so they hit on that slave.....it makes for confusion in our D/s community. That confusion creates a lack of respect toward legitimate collars.

wife v's slave

i think the slave part of my relationship and identity with Master will always be the stronger over the wife part and is the one which primarily guides my actions. The M/s is what our relationship is built on - Luckily i don't see Master ever deciding to turn vanilla, so that shouldn't be an issue, i really can't imagine interacting with Him on a vanilla level as equals.
i see my role as one of being subservient to, dependent on, and taking care of my husband/Master, who is very much the head of the household. He makes all the decisions, He controls the money, That's how i'd like it to be.
Old-fashioned housewife is how i would be vanilla style if the slave part was no more. but i think ill stick to what we have thank you.

supporting role

i've always felt better in the 'support'/submissive role. Leading stresses me out to be honest. i excel under good leadership
i've find myself in my vulnerability, my submission, my 'support' role. i'm happier when i'm not feeling the pressure to be unnaturally aggressive. i prefer soft and yielding and always have. i've had to puffed myself up sometimes to be 'lil miss aggressive bitch'. Slowly (it's a process let me tell you) letting go of that lets me feel free and Earthy. i feel peaceful, i know who i am.
im the girl that wants to make sure my significant other is as comfortable as can be. i want to provide him with intelligent conversation; i want to stimulate him. i want him to ravish me without a seconds notice; i want to inspire that animalisitc lust. i want him to discipline me when i need it. I want to not fear being weak and vulnerable to him.
i have a man I can look up to and rely upon for honest communication. i want him to laugh with me and cuddle and talk total nonsense. i want to be the warm, soft, and amusing character he can relax with. This is how i show my love - obedience, emotion, my drive to please.

In tune to myself. Helpless? Only to the respectable man I've promised to obey....
my Master

Less Worries

i realise now that i need to worry less about the future and more about what i am doing now, today, at this moment in order to progress forward. Because as soon as one goal is achieved, there's always another to strive for, and that will carry on forever, as there's no such thing as the perfect slave who can do everything and cannot improve in a single way. There's always some new skill to learn, something i can get better in, something to practice and make progress in.

So i'm actually feeling kind of relieved now that i've come to this realisation, because even if i do make mistakes or 'fail' or muck up, there's always tomorrow when i can try again. As long as i do my best, i should keep moving along the path that’s set, and that's all we can ever asked for, and Master's walking right beside me, discovering and exploring and learning too :) Which i think is much more special and enjoyable than an end-point which you can reach but never progress beyond.

The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds. ~Will Durant.

what i am, what am i?

Pleasing Him is what i am... Time flies by so quickly!so many things we want to do, and where's the time?
i think that as every day, week and month passes, the relationship that He and i share grow's stronger. i don't know if He realizes this, but it just seems that i feel more connected with Him. i find that now i just go with the flow.He makes me feel loved and wanted, He makes me feel special, He makes me feel good..slave to my Master..

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what i am when i am with you." Elizabeth Barrett Browning

flu

My nose is red and swollen and painful. My throat hurts. My sinuses are plugged and running at the same time. Snot drips from my nose and i sneeze a hundred times a day. My neck hurts. My head feels like it weighs a couple hundred pounds.

It just sucks. A lot.

And it’s really hard to be the least bit graceful in service when you’re feeling like shi*.

And, of course, i don’t get any real “break” because i’m sick. not that i want one. cold /flu is no reason to give up/in. but it really hit me how the whole service mentality goes out the window when i’m feeling crappy.

Bad slave. Bad sub. Bad, bad girl.

*shrug*

Human, though.

Perfect

How can someone be "the perfect sub"? After all, what a Dom wants in a sub varies from person to person, as does the way in which a sub serves. But I think we can all agree on a few basic issues:

-A good sub obeys her Dom (yes, it's SSC, but still, you follow orders)
-A good sub wants to please: Let's face it, if the sub doesn't want to please her Dom, what's the point? It won't be enjoyable for either party.
-A good sub knows what she wants: This is tricky. It encompasses wanting to please your Dom, as well as knowing your limits and being comfortable with expressing them.
-A good sub trusts her Dom and has proven herself trustworthy in return. There cannot be a mutually healthy relationship if there is no trust, especially in the context of D/s relationships.

Agreed? Ok, so now that we have the basics, how can someone be the perfect sub? In my opinion, this can happen in many different ways. It could be through consistently following Your orders, always being willing to please, or other expressions of continued service. But sometimes, there is one act that can make you realize that it is special. That is when you give of yourself,over your own wants, to please Him.

Change

Its seems that Master and i aren't the only ones needing to take a step back from our D/s relationship and reassess how it is conducted.

It's a work in progress for everyone. Even those who have been at it for years. People change. Things change. And thus, the rules and such need to change in order to keep the flow going.

I'm not an expert, just my opinion.

Even if it was a "vanilla" relationship, things would need to change from time to time. But, just like a "vanilla" relationship a D/s relationship needs to be nurtured in order for it to grow.

i think that even though we enjoy, need and crave the D/s, we also need to remember to nurture the so called "vanilla" side of our relationship. Just because we like the irregularity of our relationship doesn't mean that we also don't need the romance or sweet things as well. Or maybe that's just me.

Gagged

i can't live without submitting. i can go months without having the opportunity or i becomes cranky and downright nasty after too long. i love Master for many reasons, most unrelated to my submission to him. But i do need it. i need his hands tangled in my hair and pulling me down. i need his entire claiming of me. i need him hurting me because it's the only way i can feel me, It's been too long. My brain goes into overdrive. i really like getting tied up. i also like getting tied down. In fact, show me some rope and i pretty much want it wrapped around me, in some configuration or other!
In the strict definition, i don't have any fetishes ie: there is no thing or event that i must have present in order to be aroused. That said, i am attracted to and feel the appeal of many things. Among them are, bondage, and nipple torture/pain. These can help in my desire to reach a goal. Gagging is another. However, in my early day of D/s the gags available really put me of.. MG is not into watching me dribble so ball gags were out. As im a mouth breather, it was quite a problem in finding an appropriate gag that shut me up enough whilst allowing me to breathe. In the end i made one out of a new bath sponge, a stocking and a clip fastener, rolling the sponge into a tight tube , covering with a stocking mess and sewing the clip fastener to each end of the sponge tube which when inserted into mouth is soft, allows air to pass through it and is adjustable.. Works well for us, although is not used often these days, When my silence is required MG just says “shut it”, bondage can also be done rope less in our world. A don’t move suffices, but rope i love, when the time/situation allows.

Nonsensical

Control is not one of my strengths.It is tremendously hard to deny myself the things that bring me pleasure. Even when what brings me pleasure is painful.
Still i try. i keep thinking that desiring the greater goals will spur me on; will give me the mask of control and confidence that i need... to resist... Temptation.
Yet it seems i am destined to endure self-denial. Desiring nothing so much as a few hours of play on soft sheets, my thoughts turn to other attainable satisfactions... cream... or even a silly nonsensical text that flutters my heart strings..instead i'll make do with a cup of tea. i must not let the desires i have which will not be fulfilled in the immediate moment, gain prominence, no point in focusing on what is not,but rather on what might be.Even better focus on what IS.....

Thoughts

i don't call my thoughts dirty...they are just thoughts....and can't do anything....but express. They have no shame..they just want to speak..and have a name.
Here is what they are saying...on a cold early Tuesday morning....

i want to be taken

Used
had
possessed
held
cuddled
cherished....
so I can curl up in a ball
at your feet
sated..
and at rest.....

clothing/shoes

No, i am not proud of my body---i am over weight. i do not find my body attractive in any manner. i have learned, over time, to be happy with it as it is at this moment. Actually, this realization came to me within the last couple of year. After all the rehab I’ve done, im about as good as im likely to get now and i can accept that along with age and filling out in places id rather not. i have more clothes than i could imagine. Those are appealing and look good on me. As for my underwear. MG insists i wear only thongs which at first i didn’t like but now im very comfortable in them. Bra’s . Mainly due to the difficult of putting then on, i tend not to wear one unless i am going out them i make the effort. ~My clothes are selected for ease of dressing, but when we go out MG still decides on what i will wear. And even if we are staying in He will tell me to dress in a particular manner which please Him, i have many fetish style outfits which i am comfortable to wear at home and out to a club, many Basques/corsets. Shoes im afraid now must be flat to afford me any chance of walking unaided. i do very much miss my heels as i know MG misses seeing me in them but practically heels are out now, another thing i have had to accept. So, for Master and for me i like to look nice..... For him most of all

i am...

i am the person i am because of all the things i have been through….and i do like the person i am and i just need to keep remembering that…. i am who i am….because of my experiences good and bad..

i have someone to love me like i love Him. He give me as much as i give to Him.
i am Yours always, good or bad, I prefer the good but no one is perfect, still i’ll keep trying Sir

Reflected

I close my eyes… and reflect on us as a whole… who we are, what us means to me.. i have You in my heart… and i love You so much… the feeling in my heart.. is all about us.. to live, and learn..
No matter what happens in my life or in Masters Life, we are bound together forever. Not by rope, or chains, or handcuffs, but with the love and compassion in our hearts.
As Masters slave i can not explain enough or even describe into words the feelings He gives me.
He is my life though, and i refuse to be without Him, ever….Whilst he watches over me and protects me always and forever.
We’d have it no other way

perfect slave

The whole issue of being the "perfect slave" which does not exist, what does exist is being the best slave that you can be for your Master which of course means ones expectations may differ from the next and im certainly not that, i try hard but im a long way off. Other obviously seem to think i need some correcting, but as Master doesn’t, then im ok with that, as long as He is ok with my behaviour. The perfect slave how exactly is that proved........... by who can take the most cane strokes, etc? Or maybe its who behaves more appropriately. i don’t get, the obsession with "punishment”. To me punishment is given to correct unwanted behaviour, and generally something i wont like.i don’t and will never understand the “oh ive been naughty, Master will punish me” or the set up to fail attitude of some Doms. In being who i am, if i step out of line i would expect Master to tell me i have, i don’t appreciate another Dom who just because i may not reach His expectation of the perfect slave attempting to correct me, verbally or otherwise and when i don’t comply, throws His dummy out of the pram and storms off, oh well.

lucky me !!

In so many ways i am a lucky submissive to have a Master who gives me as much latitude as he does. My writing is my own. i can practice my craft in whatever medium i so choose. i am free to express opinions (within reason i suppose), he doesn’t outwardly control every aspect of my life. But yet every action has become one with him in mind. What i wear , . Hell even what i make for dinner each night, i think “Master will really enjoy having this tonight”. i can feel that centered grounding place. God i love that place. The “yes, this is where i’ve longed to be all day” place.Some who don’t understand the need to please and the need to serve would say that i’m losing who i am. The strong independent me who doesn’t take shit from anyone. To that i simply answer, being able to serve has only made me stronger in who i am. Having a Master whose convictions so closely match my own has given me more strength to be the woman i’ve always longed to be. i know that i please him, and that makes me stronger in everything that i do as an friend, sibling, mother. It also gives me the freedom to let go, surrender the control, put myself into his hands. There’s no greater feeling in the world for me than to know i’m serving, i’m pleasing, i’m loved, i’m used, i’m treasured. Yeah, it’s the best of everything, and I’m holding on tight.

Hands

i forever reach my hand out, awaiting for His hand to take mine in the ritual we have used for some years now, my hand upwards denoting submission, in His downward facing showing His Dominance.. just waiting to feel His hand reach out to touch mine.
I fully know that no matter what happens in my life or in Masters life, W/we are bound together forever. not by rope, or chains, or handcuffs, but with the love and compassion in O/our hearts. He is my life though, and i refuse to live without Him.

New beginnings

i am reminded of a new book…….of blank pages which are yet to be written in…….fresh, full of possibilities. i read somewhere today the feelings you have as you enter a new year can sometimes be predictors of the year ahead. If that’s true, this year will be bright, positive, optimistic and full of love for us.

As we step forward into 2009, may we be given the grace to accept its gifts in whatever form they are given to us, the strength to face its challenges, the wisdom to learn its lessons, and the love to do so with open hearts.

subby mode

Somehow we need to figure out ways that will keep me in that "subby" mode or whatever you want to call it.....i love the way it makes me feel, Hopefully we can figure something out… i miss having that feeling of total surrender. That feeling that i would do anything for Master. Surrender and slavery feeds my soul and i get so hungry for that feeling sometimes.

Quality Time

I have asked Master before to set the rules. It might get him to understand my needs a bit more. He wants me to be strong and i am a strong woman, but...i still have tendencies, needs; desire...if i knew there would be dire consequences for breaking the rules though....i would surely know the boundaries, am i making a mountain out of nothing, no just fumbling around most of the time guessing. Give me rules and expectations...

We haven’t had any play time for months now ...he's stressed, and i understand, just some time for me is what i need,just some quality time talking but even then i get the wall even when i ask to talk, its never the right time, just like now isn’t, when will be i wonder.

Proud

I listened to some definitions the other night in chat, and one of a Domme's description on what makes her a Dominant, could have fit me. However, i am clearly NOT a Domme, nor do i want to be. i maybe am in other aspect of my life; i do not want to dominate in my personal relationship.
I also heard someone who said, that he offers himself to teach mentor, never portray himself to be anything other than what he is. Well i do that as well. I've had many sub sisters come to me and ask for advice. I'm honoured that they feel they can come to me; i only have my personal opinion nothing else. Am i am enigma or just me.. Inside myself i need, desire to serve the man who hold my heart my Master.
Sometimes, knowing that alone is enough, knowing i am my Master slave, is all i need

Ebb and Flo

M/s and the integration of that into our lives seems to ebb and flow. My fear that M/s is not something He wants concerns me. He show’s frustration at the merest suggestion of M/s at times. Of course. He is human, dealing with the most common life issue. Work.. Bills etc! But the frustration causes Him to loose balance and respond carelessly. He acknowledges my emotional state; remains controlled and instead of punishing me for my behaviour, ignore it as it seems the easiest option.it is a challenging time. i am very grateful to Master for all He does for both of U/us, but I would be lying if i said i was totally happy with the level of our M/s right now..

Consequencies

Rules are there for a reason. It is what makes a slave. It is the inspiration the way to remember Master rules Not saying this slave likes punishment, but there has to be consequencies, well i have a love and hate relationship with this topic, but being controled, and feeling cared for, but then its the displeasure i feel when i have displeased Master, well, i can punish herself for days without be word from Master , you know it ok sometimes to say, its over and Master is happy, thati will learnt the lesson being taught and will not repeat the fault. i feels no consequence there's no control. Rules are the guidelines to avoid the consequence, discipline and punishment are part of the process of learning. Rules are those that keeps Master happy, and that is the aim of the slave.i prefers to have pain from the pleasure of being good not bad.

Destiny

It is my destiny to submit. i have discovered that submitting is more than a desire. It is something that i need to do. It completes me, it makes me happy and content. It is a component of who i am. it an essence of my being. The further i explore my submissive side, the more centred i become. Focussed on being a better me, a desire to try and keep trying, no giving up. i need the relationship part of it, the "knowing" of me, the psychological aspect. i need someone to explore my mind and emotions. Without the psychological component, i think i am too strong willed, a firm hand is needed.
It is strange to think of complete submission and surrender as a selfish act, but in a way it is. Maybe not a selfish act, but certainly not selfless. i appreciate and admire Your Dominance. i know that to dominate someone, and accept their submission, requires much thought, responsibility, and work. Your responsibility is far greater than mine; You care for me, and ensure my safety. You have accepted responsibility for my physical and my emotional well being. my trust in You is complete and without question.

wanting more

Must be a sub trait cause i always want more, so it seems do others we know, never satisfied, not sure if that’s good or bad, always striving for more, better. Is that greed or is it self improvement, maybe Sir can tell me. i do know i want more, more of Domination more of submission, that’s not a new thing its always there, I’m hungry for lifestyle, everything pertaining to it, more more and more of more, Its said The best submissive are those who willingly come to their Masters on their knees, whispering of their love. i love You and my submission to you is what makes my life , am i worthy or do i over kill on my need, trouble is, i acknowledge it as a need and as such it cannot be denied.

Odd Thoughts

How odd, i took time today to look back some 3-4 years at blog entries i made at that time, when my youngest daughter was only 10 (now 14), when we lived in a draughty rented flat (now in our own house) and just how much my writing style has changed, i also thought i really liked the way i wrote back then and maybe i could try that again so, i shall do that .Just recently on several occasion i have been witness to a Dom trait i find most odd. The lack of self control amongst some Doms who frequent our chat room.Now I’m the first to admit that chat is a pastime and can be said to have little if any bearing on reality but still i find it difficult to witness Dom running amok with hormones raging while in the company of subs. Self control, self discipline must be a corner stone on which to build a good base for the role that they all wish to partake of if not now then at some point in the further. On the other hand MG keeps Himself so tightly under control that He become totally consumed by issue to which He has by virtue of reality, little if any control over, thus driving Himself into a spiral of utter frustration at His inability to alter the situation. Neither of these examples are good, neither can be resolve by me that does not stop me from trying by a) talking to the chatter and trying to explain how their action are reflecting badly on them, the lifestyle and the room and by taking to MG and try to get Him to let go before His frustration and anger explode into uncontrolled rage. i am not at this point convince i can do either of the above but my instinct tells me to try.

Another day, another pound(dollar)

Blogging about my thoughts and just life. Always amazes me each year comes about and i wonder how it is possible to have blogged and shared my life that long. i look back at entries and cringe, laugh, cry and remember with fondness many wonderful moments. i know my blog has changed over time. i have shared a lot more of my life and just emotions. But frankly i am owned by an extraordinary man. i am grateful to have the chance to share this journey with Him. So it isn't my first thought to blog and get whatever out because i am there with Him sharing and experiencing life and the emotions that come with it.

Togerther moments

i 'm here again.Sorry for the absence. Honestly i didn't know what to say, so chose to say nothing.i still don't know exactly what to say, but yet i am here.
Things are getting back to normal, but I'm still worried about how everything is going to go. i worry about changes and it's hard to know that nothing i can do will fix the issues, re job, time apart, our D/s even. i wanteto be around him continuously and see him...even if it was for a little bit. i craved his smell, his touch...how he looked at me...being around him calms me, but life says otherwise the realities say He must go one way, i must go another, most ever morning. In my mind, He is my Master. This is all i really care about. This is my only concern. i would leave the nilla world behind, with the exception of my children of course, to be with Him, but again dreams are not how reality is, therefore I must deal with my demons and do the best i can, be happy with what we have, making ever together moments worth savouring.

Focus

For me, my slavery is about letting go of myself and focusing on Master. Less "me", more for Him. unfortunately, i find it challenging to truly "let go". i still want to hear Him say: "Good Girl!" i hope to achieve more moments when i truly find my satisfaction in the service without looking for the validation, but im not there yet, not be a long way, if I ever will be.

Gift...hmmmm

“There are four kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip another’s soul bare, and the power to stand naked.”

~Gurumayi Chidvilasananda

i have always known Master is focused Even with all the pressure and exhaustion He is always there to listen to me and offer direction when needed. i marvel at His devotion to the commitment He made to ownership of a slave.Even as i attempt to offer my service and make sure His basic needs are being met, i find i am having a lot of time to live inside my head.

One of the things that i keep bumping into that has always seemed a little out of balance to me is the reference to the "gift" of submission. For me, it just doesn't ring TRUE. i do not view my submission as a "gift". i have had the opportunity to examine my slavery and find myself so deeply immersed in my slave nature that i have come to believe "slave" is who and what i am. It is my most basic self and fulfills my deepest darkest yearnings, i embrace my slavery and the control, order, discipline, and safety which come from service to Master.

thinking

i think too much. This is not the first time i have heard this in my life. i do think. ALOT. Some of my thinking brings me peace as i come to terms with issues, both trivial and profound (to me!) and some brings me agitation when i obsess over events , and situations i have no control over in the present.i believe a freedom from obsessive thought is only achieved when i am asleep or I'm deep into my submission then i am freed from needing to think. i have only to obey and do. Life becomes service and service brings freedom

Inner Peace

My sense of tranquility and "rightness” is screwed up, right now i need peace,we have struggled enough in the last couple of years. He has had plenty of time to look into His heart, mind and soul to truly see how HE wishes to live His life, for Himself. Even with all the challenges He chooses Mastery and Ownership of property. Self aware enough and controlled enough to balance TOTAL POWER EXCHANGE with right living. Master must take while giving. He must use while serving the relationship. He is so much stronger in spirit than i. He is not mean or loud or overbearing. He controls with restraint, for the most part, and the power of His authority. my senses of security and "rightness" that i am owned, grows and fills me with JOY,I just want some quiet from all the hassle that goes on, to be left in my own peaceful little corner of the world, until Master needs me.