Eat my own words

Looking back over my last few entries. i guess i was in need of some changes and boy did i get them. pieces missing, change is as good as a rest...etc etc. well thing has certainly changed but now i sit and desire earlier timeslol. one step sat a time (talk about fickle), how things were before the stroke.but we cannot always have what we desire.. i have to keep fighting just to regain some resemblance of my former self.. i will prevail..i will walk again, i will sub to my master again that is now my focus .....to do what i have alway done fo him, which right now i am not capable off, in the mean time i will acheive the quality of life we all have once again but the focus is for me to serve my Master and be able to be mother to my children. careful what you wish for is all i can say. i have my goals all achieable i believe.. time and my detirmination will show if i have the grit need to make at least some inroad for myself.i shall damn well try.Season Greeting to all roll on 2006.. thing can only get better

been a while

finally back to real life after one month in the hospital.i have suffered what i am told was a dense stroke, which has left my left side paralysed. for info on my recover click here but for a few day over christmas i am home with my family and Master.my main concern now, oh i realise i have to give myself time but still i fear i cannot be the slave to my Master that i once was. i cannot even simply kneel before him now , maybe in time but right now i am totally dependant on him for everything.. it was once the other way round . He asked . i did. now i asked he gets up..i want things the way they were
..amj i allowed one pout.. i think i can get away with one if i could stamp my foot i would but i would fall over. seasonas gretting to you all
good to be home for a while

Missing piece of my puzzle

i was chatting to a sub friend last night, someone who is so like me that we could be twins.
i don't mean alike, as in the way we look, we are far from the same on that department, no i mean that we are so alike within what we feel and think regarding our submission that we could be one and the same. We seem to go through the same ups and down which can be a help to us both sometimes, as we can see what the other is talking about because we have either been there ourselves or we are likely to go there at some point... so to rose, my dear friend, i say, thanks, for all the times you have listened and been there, i hope i have been able to help you as much as you have helped me.

Having said that, rose is one of those people who is always so damn right... just when you think you have her stumped, out come these really perfect words that crush any form of defense you might have had in your reasoning for being a stroppy, pouting demanding sub/slave.

So the talk was of, the Men in our lives and the fact that they both work away from home at the weekends and how she and i find ways of coping with that.

There i am feeling really moody and sorry for myself and she comes out with the notion that ... of course one can stamp ones foot and make a big scene and make it really difficult for Master to leave, knowing full well that the last thing He wants to do is go, knowing that His lady is all upset etc etc... and then again, you could give Him your total and utter support in His endeavours to provide what is needed for His family to the very best of His abilities and not make a Huge mountain out of the little mole hill that is " work" and be there for Him and give Him the space needed to do what He has to do without the pouts or the paddies etc etc

And of course, rose is right.. and altho it is never easy when the Men have to leave, it is a necessary evil and one that we as their sub/slaves should be happy to accept knowing that what they do is for the whole family and altho not easy must be done for the good of all.

doesn't stop me missing MG... Its like having my right arm cut off, or a piece of my jigsaw is lost, and the whole picture in incomplete. Ying and yang, a single being, soulmates... meant to be together.

i am alone and it isn't my favourite time so with that i shall say good night and go bury my head in an attempt to pass the time, the morning will come quicker and MG will be home.

One step at a time.

I’ve felt guilty for not writing this blog as often as i have wanted to in the last few weeks. Thinking about why this happens sometimes, i can of course blame it on being occupied with various things, but really i think it comes down to expecting too much of myself. i have tried to learn about writing and web design and making cards and websets, and i have a number of goals in these fields that i am still far from attaining. i have a pretty clear idea of what i like, but i often feel that i am not in the right mood...too tired, too sick, too busy, or whatever... to lives up to my own standards let alone any one elses.

But the real mistake here is to let that stop me from trying that would be a retrograde step indeed... even with just a few words or a bit of designing at a time.

i need to remember, that real progress comes about mainly through the little steps we take on the path towards our goals. The steps that count most are the ones that no one congratulates us for, when we tripped up a little or even just accomplished some small success. Countless little steps cover far more distances than great marathons ever will.

Whatever it is that may be taking place in my life or in the world around me, there is invariably something beautiful there waiting to be discovered… but the approach to that beauty requires humble steps, patient walking, and a steadfast resolution not to let expectations get in the way.

i know i can do this, i just have to keep trying...

Change is as good as a rest

It has often been asked if subs are made or if submission is taught, well i am not the best person to ask that question of as my instant reaction to the "training" theory is that i and my fellow subs and slaves are not dogs or horses so training doesn’t come into it, guide, of course, show us an alternative way of doing things that the Dom would prefer, of course but forget the idea that i can be trained like an animal cause although at times i might be a pussy cat, hell i have sharp claws as well.

My theory is that each of us has within us, desires/wants/needs... to give and receive love and attention cause believe it or not even a man, even a Dominant gives, its not all about the sub giving and the Dom taking, not if the D/s is being done properly. Follow your desires and you are likely to end up with a pretty good and satisfying relationship. D/s is an extension of a normal loving relationship where there is give and take, that both are needed to keep an even balance between the two parties and so that they compliment one another. Add to that the D/s factor of absolute trust and total commitment and you have the foundation of a solid unbreakable bond between two human beings. Does this make one partner better than the other, more able to live life in a proper manner, better equipped to face what the big bad world has to throw at them, i don’t think so. Master or sub/slave, i am sure both are quite capable of living life, making decisions etc, the difference is that a sub chooses not to have to do that and is more content to give that responsibility over to another.

We have to be careful tho, not to fall into a rut and end up in a comfort zone where it is so easy to just let each day pass by without us even noticing. Comfort zones are those place where it is easier to just sit back and accept what we have as happy, when what we really have is nothing short of boring existence because we are too lazy or too bored or just plain cant be bothered to alter things.

We all change, nothing ever stands still, over time we develop new ideas, new beginnings etc but whatever it is we do, time has a habit of moving on with or without our knowledge or permission, we have to be aware that it happens and try our best not to become complacent and let things ride or before any of us know it, we are in the cirle of round and round we go and wouldnt life be really boring, if it was always the same, (the film Ground Hog Day springs to mind, the same day over and over again with the predicted result every time). That’s not for me. Things have to move on, they have to progress to bigger and better, they have to evolve, however...

Seems like only yesterday that my kids were little. Now, i have two very nearly grown young ladies, problem with that is a) i want my lil babies back cause they were really cute when younger, b) if they are growing up, where does that put me.. in the "old" bracket, that’s where !

Seriously, i could say that with age comes experience and all that stuff about been there done that but what i really wanted to say was this...

If i had the chance to do it all over again, would i... not a chance, even the shite bits i am happy with and ill tell you why, because it all, down to the really crappiest bits have made me, who i am, and who i am has moulded my life to where it is right now.. with Him, with the man i love, with my Master, with my submission, with my life just as i would wish it to be.

Raise me up.

Raise me up.

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up... To more than I can be.

Perfection

MOST definitely not in this house and MOST definitely not from me or mine. Who wants perfection anyway? i think it must be pretty boring to be perfect, have it perfect, be perfect, i would much rather have things that need tidying up, need my attention, need things to be done that will make things better but...never perfect. For with perfection comes boredom and with boredom comes dissatisfaction and it is at those times, when one has idle hands and minds that both have a tendency to wander of the track. Far rather be up to my neck in washing and ironing, then at a loose end, but i digress....

Been away for a bit, been a lil unwell last few days, before that, building, growing, making something of nothing really, but it gives me the greatest of pleasure and satisfaction to do.. so here is where i have been

• http://www.3roses.co.uk
  

Better add the link to my D/s site as well, while i am link dropping

• http://www.satinandlace.seekers.org.uk

My pride and joy at this time.. is my new site, where i am planning on storing and building up my graphics/websets and website templates. Of course, what i find interesting and pretty, others may not but if they do, that is enough for me..to know that others find my creative ability worth their attention and if i am honoured, those sets may even find their way onto other peoples sites and so, onto the www and out into the great void.

Other than that, life is as it should be, ever onward, always growing in the light of love and happiness with my love, with my children, with all i could wish for.

my Master and i have been yet again forced to take stock of how we are to conduct our "hands on" M/s as my Ex has decided that he cannot have the girls during the week any more and as MG works weekends at present... and as Master will not "play" or "scene" with the girls in the house this leave no time at all for us to be alone and so the crops and canes will have to remain in the toy box for a while until the opportunity arises when we can bring them out under the right conditions.

At first this caused some major consternation with us both but we have accepted what has to be and we will find a way around the current dilemma, just as we always do. We don't give up that easily.

Right now, i am off to bed, dont want to get unwell again for want of an early night or two and as its Friday and MG is at work, no point in me not catching up on lost sleep.

Good night all you good people,
Take care and be well.. (smiles)

Funny old world

Even stranger to me so you have no hope in figuring out where i am at right now.

• i am happy,
• i am content yet not.
• i am fulfilled yet not.
• i have all i want, yet i don't
• i know who i am, but do i.....

Not even going to take this any further because i will be told that i analyse things too much, that i think too much sometimes and i guess that's right, i do, so i am not going to on this occasion and no doubt, whatever the confusion is, it will rectify itself all in good time.

• i lack nothing,
• i want for nothing,
• i am spoilt beyond most 's dream
• i am cherished
• i am loved

What do i want....... i want a damn good beating....lololololololololoool

That would rectify everything (hint hint)

Knowing your place

i have wondered a lot about the incident that occurred a couple of weeks ago and what made it happen and try as i might i am not sure i can place the blame entirely on my shoulders and i will tell you why.

Life in general is never ever going to be a breeze, we all struggle with the daily grind, the bills, the worry of kids, of work, of just coping with life as a whole and it isn't unusual for the worries and all that sort of thing to become such a weight that it take over from the joy and pleasure that life does have to offer when everything in the garden is rosey, but heck, most gardens have weeds and ours is no exception.

There are a few things right now that take some space up in the garden, and make for quite a big patch of dirt, trying to weed it takes a lot of time and effort and by the time you have dealt with all those things, there is not enough time to even think about the niceties of life. This is fact, this is the reality of living in this century, this is day to day grind me down stuff, and not just me but MG as well.

Dom he may be but shite gets to him too and he has had a few things to deal with of late that take a lot out of him and i understand that totally and he has my undying support in everything He does. But in trying to deal with all the reality stuff that is real life, it takes direction away from other things including our M/s. Its never an intentional move, it just happens. One day drifts into the next and before you know it a week has past and you think...damn, we need to bring this back but then something else happens and another and another and kids and work and not feeling well, both He and i, and so many little things get in the way and the M/s is the last thing that you think about and before you know it, you are not anywhere near an M/s relationship for a while, you have slipped into the world of vanilla through force of circumstances and so.....


i think.. that half the problem with the screaming and shouting was because..

i need to submit and feel dominated.. when it doesn't happen.. i not only feel frustrated but very un-submissive. Knowing my place within our M /s means showing those roles in a physical sense.. when that doesn't happen, when i cannot be sub for so many many reasons i begin to feel equal too MG, as a joint and equal partner in this venture and as such i have a voice as loud as his... if that makes sense..

i have said before, that i do not want or wish to be my Masters equal, it doesn't hold any fascination/ pleasure/ desire... call it what you will, for me. i am my Masters slave and will always be and need to be treated and seen as such and when, due to the damn outside crap that keeps getting chucked at us i cannot be the slave to him that i want to be..i freak out sometimes.
Thats what happened, i was equal, i felt equal and i screamed at him..as his equal.... not good... not what i want or what MG wants, but the more i think about it, the more obvious it becomes.

If i am not treated in the manner of a slave, i can't act like one. Oh sure, i can hold it in my head for a while, i can keep telling myself that i am slave, that i am submissive but after a while of coping with stuff that isn't sub at all, i tend to regress into the " i can manage, i can cope" syndrome.
Before D/s i coped, in fact i think i did the nilla thing as well as any other person and if i had to, i could go back to that way but if i am asked, if i have a choice, i wouldn't chose to go back to that way.

i came into D/s because i had an unfulfilled need to submit, that need hasn't changed. In fact i would say that having tasted the lifestyle, my need is even greater than it was to begin with. Having felt the hand and the cane and all manner of M/s, i am addicted.

MG have often said, that D/s is like a drug and that i need my fix and he is so right. i do need it now, i do need him to give me a regular dose of whatever it is that allows me to be the submissive that is happiest on her knees at her Masters call.
But it isn't that easy, and because it isn't, something has to give .
In time, when things come a full circle, we get our balance back and we fit together and can move a bit further down the road having learnt another lesson, having crossed another hurdle and with each lesson learnt we grow stronger.

Just damn hard waiting for the balance to find itself.!!!!

Who, What, Where, When, How

The title of this blog entry says it all i think.... but not who or even what but just an overall impression of not knowing where i am going today at all.
It has been one of those days when very little has gone the way i expected it too... and it was meant to be a good day as well, yet, one mis adventure after another that has left me floundering in a soap of uncertainty and confusion over some very simple, mundane things.

Being lost isn't a new feeling for me, its one i am quite used to living with, i am not sure why but the confused and fragmented feelings i have some days never surprise me now, in fact, if i don't feel these emotions i has to pinch myself because its not something i am use to... being on an even keel i mean.

It really doesn't matter either, what went so wrong today, the fact that things did, sets the hour or minute into a framework that say "Bad day" and from then on in, doesn't matter what i do, its going to be "One of those days" and all i can do is ride it out and weather the storm as best i can.

What the heck is this woman on you are going to ask. Doesn't she talk a load of old bull. Yeah well i guess i do but me being me, i really needed to get this off my chest, shout it out and say, B/s to all the things that didn't go right today because then i can move on past them to sleep a sound and restful sleep and hope that tomorrow will be a bright new day.

i really need a cigarette right now... i would kill for just one smoke at this precise moment, in 5 minutes, it will have past and i will go forward until the next "Fag" moment passes me by but rest assured, i wont have a cigarette because i don't smoke any more but that doesn't stop me wanting one every now and then and i find it helps me to admit the craving and say to MG, "ohhhhh i want a ciggie moment is here" and we laugh and He says, Him too and we do nothing about it but agree that Yes..we could both kill for a ciggie even after 6 month of non smoking. Doesn't go away that easily and that's a fact.

Not very D/s or M/s this entry. We had plans for this last weekend, but like so many times, it really was never going to happen for a variety of reasons and to be honest, at the time i was as happy just to be with MG without all the scening and that stuff. You see, we are not the sort to make all these great big scenes up, we don't do the fantasy stuff and i like things to happen naturally, when they fit into the atmosphere as a natural progression from what was said or done, not when the plot dictates that i bend over or MG says so and so, or i play the nawty school girl and he the Teacher..nope, we don't do all that stuff. Doesn't float our boats.
On the other hand, when the occasion arises that the girls are away for a couple of days, we are only to happy to retreat into our M/s when MG can dictate the arrangement for how and what dinner will comprise of and how it wil be served and if he feels some point is needed to be made about something he might have noted with regard to my behaviour or something that i haven't done that he asked me to do, or even something he feels i might not have done to the best of my ability, these are the things we might talk about and debate and if he feels something is needed to be done, if some line is needed to be drawn or some fence mended so that i know where the boundary lays, then this is the times when we, as Master and slave, do those things. We do not need a big set up screen play to carry out the basic M/s life that we live, that is played out in real time... 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...etc etc

He is my Master, i don't need a script to tell me that nor do i need one to tell me how to fulfill the role i have within this relationship. That i know.... off by heart.

What's missing ?

It took me a while to find the answer but when i did, it all made sense.

There have been so many times when i had thought that i was missing something, oh, not before D/s, that's another life, long gone now, no, within my current lifestyle.

i sometimes say to MG, that i miss his Dominance, when for various reasons, we have had to move a little away from our M/s or because life has dictated to us that we have to, even for a short while and i feel this big hole in my life. It might last for an hour, or a day but it is so obvious to me that i have to say something. It consumed me for the duration and all i could do about it was to let it have the moment and wait for it to pass.

These "moods" occurred only of course when i was alone or more to the point, when i was away from MG's side and because of this i had assumed it was because i missed... as i have said, His dominance over me and i have said as much to him and then, just the other evening, after i had communicated this feeling once again to MG while he was at work, the realisation finally hit me.

There are always two side to any coin, and M/s is no exception... MG dominates, i submit to him, we come however, from different ends of the spectrum and met, somewhere in the middle, in our own way satisfying the needs of the other. Those needs are of course, different in as much as altho M/s in nature, their entire makeup comes from a different place and are satisfied by a different happening... mine, to be submissive and therefore a need to serve and see to it that i am giving of myself to the best of my ability. MG's to dominate and receive my submission and all that entails.

But i digress.... so what is this startling revelation, this shining light that has created the spark

It occurred to me that what i was missing was not the Dominant force, because that i never loose, its always with me because M/s is very much a mindset, its in my head, its with me very second of every minute. No, it isn't Dominance, but its the ability to submit that i miss.

Without MG here, without me being in his presence, i find it hard to submit to a blank space, an empty chair, without MG being here to say the words, or give the look, or even not say anything, i am lost as to where to direct my submissive nature, even for a short time.

Silly... maybe but i really find it hard to bring up the submissive nature that is what makes me who i am when i don't have a dominant force to use that submission, if you understand and now i can also understand how very hard it must be for subs who have for some reason or another, lost their Master, having had the force they find themselves without it and have to cope still. It must also be hard for those of a submissive nature who are still searching for that dominant force in their lives to continue totry and find that one who will fill that void in them.

i certainly know that, even for the short time i sometimes have to be away from MG, that i miss him and what he gives to me, far more than i ever imagined i would.

Hurry Home Sir ... miss you xoxox

Unexpected

After many months going on years, you would have thought that i would know how MG would react to most instances. That i could probably read him pretty well and that, accordingly, i could pretty much second guess what to expect. But one of MGs favourite saying is, "Always expect the unexpected" and i didn't and so i came to the occasion of the discipline that was to follow the incident last weekend, rather not expecting anything to dramatic.

We had some time..the children were away for a couple of days and as this had been building up since the time of my outburst, i guess MG had had the time to think about what he intended to do that would focus my mind a little more than usual.

It is well documented that i am a pain slut, i get off on pain, its a pleasurable experience for me and one that we have used on many occasions to send me off into my own space where i can float around to my hearts content on a tide of euphoria, so pain isn't usually something MG will use as a punishment or discipline tool.

However..the unexpected did occur and once again, without all the details... i can say that in an instant, a flash i am taken to the very limit of my pain barrier, with no warning or preparation and held there while it is explained to me that if this does not focus my mind on my behaviour of the last week, then the lasting effects of the administration will, and as the pain rushes through my body i am totally focused on who and what i am and where i have gone wrong and what i must do to make sure it doesn't happen again. The pain is without a doubt, a major focal point for anyone, pain slut or otherwise and it certainly brings you to a place where your thoughts are only on the voice that is telling you why you are here and that if you do not wish to be here again, a curbing of some behaviour trait is called for.

And i can say without a doubt that that is exactly what has occurred, for after some 3 days, parts of my body are still fully aware of the trauma that it suffered that night and as the pain floats over my body during the days that followed i am constantly reminded of my wrong doings and that i have had to be disciplined by my Master and that that is staying with me for more than the moment of infliction to remind me on a higher level than just a quick short sharp shock.

And will i forget in a hurry, i don't think so.

And will i recall the incident, you bet your life i will

And all the while it doesn't matter what it took out of me.. how much it hurt.. or anything.. or how much i exhibited myself... if MG felt he needed to do what he did..and in doing so has some pride in me as his slave.. its all worth while and no amount of pain will make me think otherwise..

i deserved what i got and in taking my punishment ...i might become a better slave..who knows..but at least, on this occasion....i know i did wrong and hopefully..i will learn from this and it wont happen again.

Letting off steam

i should have written this yesterday but thought better of it as i was sure that my view, at that time would have been tainted or even corrupt or weighted down by force of circumstance. Anyway, here we are today, with a clear head and an open mind and a reason to put pen to cyber paper.

The kids are off school, MG is on his 3rd of 4th night shift, i have had a really sore face following a bite or something that caused me to look like i had gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and that required a visit to the doctors and a course of antibiotics. On top of all that the kids have got a new Sims game and trying to get near a PC in this house is almost impossible.
So why am I telling you all this, well, in keeping with the kids, PC's etc theme, the shift key on MGs keyboard had gone haywire and the logical course of action was to get a spare one down from the loft where the bits of PC's are stored these day.
Unfortunately, that requires someone to go up into the loft., which requires the getting of and assembly of, ladder.... which normally MG would do but..... i am not renowned for being patience.

Lets just say, because there really is no justification for my actions, because whatever my reasoning was at the time, was no excuse. i could make a fair good case on my behalf for why i did what i did but at the end of the day, shouting at ones Master and telling him to leave you alone and let you be while you struggle with ladders and loft hatch etc.... really isn't on however fraught or distressed or at the end of a tether one might be.

But, that's what i did... at the top of my voice, with gusto and force and then struggled to complete the extrication of the keyboard, but in doing so i had gone against my Master, against his wishes and on top of that, spoken to him with a huge amount of disrespect and lack of manners. No excuse for that at all and i would be the first to agree now but at the time, stress, strain, kids, moans about shift keys from all quarters, i just wanted to get the damn keyboard and have done with it.

Still, that is no excuse for screaming at MG and now, with hindsight i can see that but in a fit.... well, what can i say.

MG had "something to say" today, and come the weekend, when the kids are not here i am sure we will hear more about this incident which will be duly deserved.

Having said that i thought to myself today whether i will learn anything from this incident and that it would never occur again but i am not sure that i will. i am not sure even if MG punishes/disciplines me for this misdeamour whether, if a similar occasion arose, i would recall this one and remember the consequences. i can say without any doubt that while i was shouting, i did think about what i was doing, that i shouldn't be doing it but by that stage i was too far into my rage/annoyance etc to have a lot of control over my actions., that didn't stop me thinking about my role, my submission, my slavery to MG and that he had spoken and that i should do as he said but the slave in me was way out of reach and the self propelled female was in charge.

Its not always possible to be submissive, sometime natural reactions take over and even we, the submissive natured one, blow a fuse and explode. The problem then is, what to do about it.

• Is exploding once in a while acceptable.
• Is there a limit at which it should stop or can it be let go totally.
• Should one be punished for a once in a while letting off of steam.
• Is there ever, any justification for such behaviour from a lifestyle slave.

i am just rather worried that i am too old and too long in the tooth to learn from this, and with hand on heart i cannot say that i shall come away from this with anything that would make a change in me because what we saw yesterday is a part of me that, altho not often seen... is a part of what makes me, me and as such sometimes might just have to be released.

ICE

i got this from a friend and thought the message was so important that i wanted to share it with everyone I could.

A campaign encouraging people to enter an emergency contact number in their mobile phone's memory under the heading "ICE" (i.e. In Case of Emergency)! , has rapidly spread throughout the world as a particular consequence of the terrorist attacks in London.

Originally established as a nation-wide campaign in the UK, ICE allows paramedics or police to be able to contact a designated relative / next-of-kin in an emergency situation.

The idea is the brainchild of East Anglican Ambulance Service paramedic Bob Brotchie and was launched in May this year. Bob, 41, who has been a paramedic for 13 years, said: "I was reflecting on some of the calls I've attended at the roadside where I had to look through the mobile phone contacts struggling for information on a shocked or injured person.

Almost everyone carries a mobile phone now, and with ICE we'd know immediately who to contact and what number to ring. The person may even know of their medical history."

By adopting the ICE advice, your mobile will help the rescue services quickly contact a friend or relative - which could be vital in a life or death situation. It only takes a few seconds to do, and it could easily help save your life. Why not put ICE in your phone now?

Simply select a new contact in your phone book, enter the word 'ICE' and the number of the person you wish to be contacted. Further reading from another email.

The idea is that you store the word "I C E" in your mobile phoneaddress book, and against it enter the number of the person you would want to be contacted "In Case of Emergency".

In an emergency situation ambulance and hospital staff will then be able to quickly find out who your next of kin are and be able to contact them.
It's so simple that everyone can do it. Please do. For more than one contact name ICE1, ICE2, ICE3 etc."

Questions

It could be said that to ask questions is the way to learn, that to ask and find out what it is you need to know is likely to assist you in only a good way, however, i have found that there are also times, NOT to ask questions.
i have also found that rather more often than not, i ask at the wrong time or the wrong subject.

When i say questions, what i mean is i query, i question, i have to know and sometimes it would be better for me to just accept that something is, or that something will be rather than dig and dig and try to reason out or justify whatever it is.

It would seem that i am never happy with just accepting that something will be if MG has said it will be, i always have to ask Why ? or when/where/how/ etc etc... never is it enough for me to just be told and take it that MG has said so therefore it is.... bad trait in a slave that's for sure.

Silly thing is, i know i am doing it, i can even say before MG does, when he checks me on this.. He is about to say "don't question it slave" and before He can say it i say " i know Sir, don't question"
Something i am aware off that needs some attention on my part. A trait that isn't good and that with MGs help i can work on to minimise.

Of course, within life to question is a good thing, if we didn't question we would be somewhat a doormat and i don't think i am one of those but when it comes to a direction from MG, i really feel that i shouldn't question what he says even if it is because i want to know why i am being asked to do so and so. i have to find some other way to ask rather than come straight out and ask Why ...!!!!

"Why" sounds like a challenge to me and far be it for me to challenge MGs authority... after all, in my submission isn't that what i have given to him, the ability to have that authority over me. ? Isnt that what i gave over when i accepted his collar and his Dominance, to do as he wished me to do without question.

Damn, answering my own questions again...!!!

Floggers and Canes

A quicky blog this evening i think, for a couple of reasons... one i haven't really got that much going on in my head D/s wise, too many nilla things running around in there, my lil one unwell, the London thing and MG having to go to work up there as well. Oh all sorts of mundane things happening that are really of no interest to anyone else but yet have some significant bearing on us. All put together to make up a bit of a reason to feeling tense and uptight.

And here we are again, the weekend comes around and its one that MG isn't at work for, in fact, the last one he wont be at work for, for about 5 weeks so its make the most of it time. Haven't been up to much of anything lately as there always seems to be something to get in the way, last weekend i had the most stinking cold, weekend before MG had it.... if its not one thing, its another that stops us from making the most of the special times we get together. But this weekend, i have my fingers crossed that nothing will get in the way and we might just get some ropes out and give the floggers and canes an outing.

Its so easy to just let it pass and before you know it, its been a month since you played at some heavy BDSM... hey if that's how it works out, so be it but from my point of view, i get soft..literally, the skin softens up and i cannot take anywhere near the amount of caning or flogging as i can when i have been use to the feel created over a couple of weeks/months at regular intervals. So its back to square one and a matter of building up the resistance. Lots of awwwwwwwwwwww's and ouchie i think

Best get on, tomorrow is another day and the first of MGs days off, have to be alert

Confusion yet again

i dream, i desire so many things from within our M/s, i know that i have a need, it can almost be called an urge, to feel his dominance, his power, his control. i know i want this, i know i need it and yet, when it is there, it hurts, its almost to painful to bear sometimes and yet, it is who we are, it is what we do, it is what we have both said over and over again, what we give to one another.

So why, when it is there, do i struggle with it so.

oh sure, i can write about all the ideas of the slave struggling with her submission, sure, i am struggling, sure i get pissed off when i have given 99.9% and it's still not enough, but then there is this spark in me that says……...sheeeshhh woman, of course it isn't, you have to give the other 0.01%, only when you have given that can you say you have given it everything you have and only then will your Master be happy with what you have done, so stop the moaning, you gave yourself, totally, even down to the 0.01% when you accepted his collar and became his slave, no half measures here.

Oh but i struggle.

i struggle with the not having, i moan about not feeling my Masters hand, mentally or physically, when the outside influences get in the way for weeks on end, and then i go and moan when in a few short seconds, in a few words, my Master can literally bring me to my knees. Failure, that awful awful word, turns me into a broken mess and try as i might to ignore that, try as i might to deny the notion that a sub/slave punishes herself far far more than her Master ever can... its right, i do, i did.

i feel bereft, i feel a failure. Its not MGs intention to do that i am sure, it isn't what we are about, it isn't his doing, its all mine, i make myself feel this way, i am the one feeling like this but why, isn’t what happens what we are about, isn’t it right that if i miss something, if i do not do what is expected of me that my Master should, quite rightly, point that out to me , isn’t it right that i should be corrected and be pleased that he has noticed and that he has taken the time to say something......gawd, we both know that had i not been corrected i would.. or could have found a reason to moan about that, that i wasn’t feeling his dominance, that he was playing softly softly with me, in fact, i had said much the same not a few days ago, groaned probably about it, that he was far far to soft and allowed me to get away with far to much, which i bet he agreed with because he does.... and yet

my Master speaks a few harsh words, tells me i have erred and i am a crumbling mess..!!!!

i am not looking for answers here, i just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for listening

Respect

When she speaks with respect, He knows pride;

When she kneels with pride, He knows respect;

When she stands before Him with dignity, placing her being in His charge, He knows responsibility;

When her eyes light up as she says "yes Master"' He knows love..

Challenging

Submission is consensually yielding our own power to that of someone we trust. Not everyone really understands D/s relationships, even those who portend to be in them. Some mistakenly believe that submissives submit out of weakness. Nothing can be farther than the truth. Most submissive women desire a man who is more dominant than she is so that she can feel his "power" and be inspired by his strength. After all, it is easy to dominate someone who is easily controlled, but a challenge to dominate someone who is powerful.

i enjoy M/s, if i didn't iwouldn't be 24/7 with my Master, i identify myself as a submissive, even though there are times when i have to take charge/control of my life and my kids but in general my nature is submissive.

i should stop trying to explain myself....... i am who i am, whatever that is.

100% submissive to my partner, yet dominant when needs dictate. So, does it make me a dominant who submits to a dominant who is MORE dominant?

Does it really matter?

When all is said and done, i am my Master's slave. Nothing can change that fact. Being 100% submissive to my Master doesn't mean that i don't flex my strength every now and then, however, it's short lived. i always yield to his strength and his power over me.

It is not my nature to yield to anyone, but he inspires this from me. i don't give this up easily. But i do so because i can defer to his wisdom, his intelligence. He makes sense. He is rational. i trust his judgment and his power. i respect him and the power he has over me. He has proven himself worthy over and over.

There is no power struggle because he is clearly more dominant than i am. i like it that way. It wouldn't work any other way. Not for me, not for him. He wants a submissive, and i want a Master. i want my man to be stronger than i am, but that by no means makes me any less powerful. It only means that i can be as strong as i am without fearing that i will overpower him, and thereby destroy the M/s relationship we have.

When i yield to his power it is because of his strength, not my weakness. i am not afraid of him. i am with him because i want to be, not because i need to be. i need him in my life because he is my rock and the center of my universe, but not because i am dependent on him for strength.

So, next time i challenge my own submission, our way of life, the very core of who we are, what we are and where we are going, someone kick me in the butt and tell me to stop being so stupid.

What i have is what i want/need/desire..why do i always have to challenge it..!!!!

Roses growing

Being submissive is not about submitting to ANYTHING the Dominant wants just to please him. It's submitting to EVERYTHING he wants that doesn't violate that which is sacred to you. If you cannot trust that he will not violate your sacred principles, you must not submit..

The notion that one has to give ALL, to prove one is sub/slave,whether that "All" is given out of some idea that if you don't give everything you are not a submissive, think, If your gut says it isn't right, there is a good reason. Too often submissives are working so hard to prove to themselves or to another that they ARE REALLY submissive, they ignore everything else, they ignore common sense.

Then you feel so stupid as we really KNEW better the whole time, but have put our common sense aside for want of what..???

You have to figure out what you want in life and for your life before you can know who to look for and know the traits you seek or don't seek in a life partner. Trying to fit the proverbial round peg into a square hole has never worked and will never work, however hard we might try and make it fit.

Be yourselves, be the person who reads the labels in the supermarket and decided that the fresh fruit isn't so fresh after all, don't be hoodwinked into believing it just because you are told it is so... because chances are, its not and roses do not grow around many doors really.!!!

Feet Hurt, Back hurts, Ache all over.

Well, we bought a house.... none of this slave cannot own anything for us, we are far to practical for that. So yes "We" bought a house for our family to live in and with the painting and the decorating... the cleaning of the flat still to do before we return it to our landlord of the last 4 years... we are both totally knackered.
MG took a shift off work to do his bit and i am sure he is quite happy to return to work tomorrow evening, just to have a rest because i have to say it has been a hard 2 weeks slog. Every day back and forth between the flat and the house, trying to maintain some sort of life between the 2, trying to keep body and soul together, not just us but the kids as well. Well i think its about finished... the decorating at least.... all we have to do now is move and altho that is going to take a bit of graft, it cannot be anywhere as near as what we have been doing for the past couple of weeks.
And talking of "slaves"..how silly some people can be.. the idea that you have to be "in slave mode" 24/7, how many times have we said that it is not possible to be and yet i am shocked this week to find one of the most staunch slaves i had come to read a lot about, saying she and her Master are moving away from the lifestyle because it no longer seems to fit in with their other life activities. Of course it doesn't, not all day every day but does that make one not D/s, not in my book because i am convinced that this lifestyle is in your blood, you cannot hide from it, you cannot walk away from it, you cannot deny its existence... we find that we drift sometimes, from our M/s, sometimes we are very deep into the Master/slave roles, other times we could be seen as equal partners in a relationship, we are also parents and as such need to be a dual force where our children are concerned, that sometimes means that our M/s is buried under a lot of other influences, but trust me....it id never far away, never that far under the surface.

How people can just walk away from this.... i have no idea..!!!

Steps and paths and journeys

A TV advert has caught my eye these past couple of days and every time it comes on the television i am struck by its content. Matters not really what they are advertising suffice to say that the content goes something like this.

"Be who it is you want to be"

"What works for you may not work for everyone else"
"Make small changes as many small changes will make up to one big change"
"Every journey we take begins with the first step"

So why does this have such an effect on me. Well, if this was an advert for living a D/s lifestyle it wouldn't be far wrong is my first thought. Secondly the concept that life is built up of journeys has been one that is often talked about within our world of D/s, as is "walking the path".

But in the main, why i am so attracted to these words right now has little or nothing to do with the overall concept or meaning behind the words. However, they do strike a cord in me and we could all do well to take note of the meaning behind them. But i digress, so why am i so taken by all this ?

"Every journey we take begins with the first step"...that's the bit that for me says what it is that is wandering around in my brain hour after hour of late because i had thought, assumed, that i had started my journey a long time ago, this journey, this M/s lifestyle choice and that having started all those many many moons ago, that by definition i must be, should be, at least a good way along my chosen path, not nearing the end by any means, but at least a fair way along the road, a lot of water under each bridge, vast amounts of knowledge gains, techniques learnt, etc etc. And yet......

Those words have all of a sudden said to me.... Hold on here cleo, maybe you are not quite so far along the path as you think you are, maybe in fact, you are still just touching the tiniest tip of the iceberg, maybe you are only just beginning.

And i see it all clearer with that thought. i see why i question, why i doubt, why i am never satisfied with what it is i know or think i know, why i am always asking for more, need more, want more.

i have gone over the crest of the hill when it comes to the journey of life, at 50 i have done that and been there and i am on the downward slope now but..... in my M/s life, in this life, this journey, i am just born even tho my choice bought me to this place some 4 years ago, i am a new born, learning every single day, something new and i feel that each day must be a journey in itself to have lasted so long that in those 4 years i have only traveled such a short distance. Because it is obvious that i haven't traveled far, not anywhere near far enough because with each day i find new things, i feel new things, i experience new things. Each incident, each activity something new happens.

And there i was, so sure that i was an old hand at all this M/s stuff, after all.. i am a 24/7 slave, what is there that i don't know about living M/s, i have to know it all or how could i possible live it... WRONG... that's my mistake.. i don't know and because i don't, i loose what it is i thought i had under all the feelings of what i think i am expected to do, or what i expect. Its not about expecting, its not even about experiencing, its about tasting and trying and liking and finding out and trying some more and moving on, not forward, just on, maybe into another direction and keeping on traveling and finding out and testing this way and that way and seeing ifs its what you want and need. Doesn't matter if it doesn't fit the norm, doesn't work as you have been told to believe it will, all that matters is that, it works for you and yours and that at the end of it you come out with what you feel is good for you. Those damn labels say, i am slave and as such, so and so is expected of me... bulls***, the only thing that's expected of me, comes from MG

Of course we have used a good many techniques during our time together, and of course, we know how each may respond to any given situation, however, the slightest nuance, the slightest alteration in mood or temperament (on either part) and we will find ourselves in a place on the map that we have never ever been to before. And lets not forget, that with every journey, the first step is going to dictate the direction we are going in at that time..and even, "that time".. is a beginning of another journey, within our M/s journey because its going to be a new situation every single time.

So now i can stop beating myself up, stop worrying why i feel so bad sometimes that i am not doing what i feel is expected of a seasoned lifestyler. Why i might not be up there doing what it is i am meant to be doing, My problem was.... that i thought, i knew it all.... and i don't but at least now, i have realised that... i can have so much fun finding out.

Progress Report

Quick drop in to let those who are interested in what happening....exactly what is happening with us right now.

Lets review what's what then.

• Divorce. Papers have been served to my Ex and he has returned them and i am duly informed that the Nisi will be done ASAP. 6 weeks after that the absolute and i shall be a free woman.
• Smoking. Going ok for us both, Neither of us have broken the silent vow that we will not smoke again. Too many reasons to not take up the weed again and very few in favour off. The "i need a fag" syndrome is still there and isnt getting any less with time but i think we are both far to strong and determined to quit for good that there is no way the urges will win.
• MGs job is ok at present altho still Friday/Saturday/Sunday nights. But 3 nights a week isnt bad and is over before you can even begin to think about it, each week. The time frame for his company to alter the shift pattern is the beginning of June so its really a matter of waiting and seeing what they come up with to replace the 3 nights. Watch this space.
• Our M/s is... our M/s..just that. It works in a way that is just there, sometimes showing obviously, other times, in the background, but whatever, its there and will spark into life or not, as the mood and the situation dictates.
• House. Contracts about to be exchanged, we are hoping to be moved in by my Birthday which is 30th June. Would be nice, fingers crossed

Everything else. Going on about as smoothly as in any household. Kids are fine and once exams are out of the way and the summer is here, time for them to chill out and relax a bit, which both deserve.

Time Out !!

Haven't been online a lot this last week or so, i'll be honest with you, the PC hasn't even been switched on as i am in one of those " PC ... grrr...." kind of moods.
The last thing i want to do is sit in front of a monitor and do what...chat, write, stare at some silly game or just a blank screen. Right now the pc holds little of my attention and even less of my time.
i can see no reason to sit in seekers chat room when no one else is there to talk too. it would be a sad day for me if that was all i had to do... sit and wait for someone to come and chat...No Sir...thats not my way. The room is there, if people want to use it, so be it, if not, so be that also and i can say without any fear of contradiction, i for one am not sitting around waiting. These times happen, when no one is around and it might last a few weeks or a few months, who knows but whatever, seekers room and of course, seekers website will always be there if people need it.

How's the smoking going.....Thanks for asking...in fact, couldn't be better as neither MG or i have had any need to have a cigarette since we made the decision to give up. So who's counting the days.... well lets see..9/10, not sure to be honest but certainly longer than a week and still going strong. Of course, the habit of smoking hasn't gone away, the times when you think to yourself, "i could just have a ciggie now", after meals, or with a cuppa, but we are both not that silly. We have talked about the " lets just have one" idea and decided that we are not the "lets just have one" type of people... its all or nothing with us as one would become two and so on, habitual kind of people we are, so we are not even going to go there... no smoking means just that..NO smoking.

How is everything else going. I guess you could say, up and down really, one day up, the next day down, nothing ever standing still or moving forward anywhere near as quickly as i would like. Lets review what's what then.

• Divorce. Coming along, papers served to my ex and according to my solicitor, by mid July i should be a divorcee and MG and i can move on with our plans for a wedding in 2005
• House. Moving very very slowly thanks to the bright spark who isn't such a bright spark of a financial consultant who isn't really and doesn't know his ass from his elbow. The girl behind him, the one you never see, the one that gets all the bits and pieces together and sends then all off to the appropriate quarter is the one who is the bright spark. The front man, cause that's what he is, looks good, sounds good but that's where it all ends sort of person hasn't done what he said he had done so we are a few steps back from where we thought we were, but fingers crossed, it should all carry on smoothly once the right bits of paper are with the right person at the right end. (Fingers crossed)
• Smoking. See above
• MGs new job is working out ok albeit for the time being Friday/Saturday/Sunday night leaving us no time whatsoever to be alone but we knew this was going to happen and we felt that for the short term we could manage with that for the good of all and for the long term benefits we would gain.
• MGs old job has been giving us some real hassle this week when his ex boss decided to juggle the wages/holiday figures owed to his advantage and not ours. i think we might see more of this as MG isn't about to let this one go.
• Our M/s is... i think, on hold, there are far to many other things that have to take a front seat, that we cannot pass over and because of that, something has to give and right now, its our M/s i think, altho, its still there, in the mind, and comes to the fore as and when it is a natural thing to happen. Nothing forced, nothing played , just as and when it is a natural progression, when we both react, instinctively to one another.
• Everything else. Plodding along. Nothing to shout about, nothing to moan about. Just rather plodding at present and i guess that is about all one can hope for what with everything going on right now.

So, there you have it, what is and what isn't happening with us right now. i'll pop back soon and let you know how things are progressing.

Take care

Non Smoker

Well, i woke up on Wednesday morning, having spent a very restless night worrying over just about everything i could possibly worry about, my health, MG's health, the kids, money, you name it, just about everything that had the tiniest reason to worry about it.

Mainly, i guess, i worried about MG and his health. His legs are not getting any better, and now i know, he also has an infection in his right ankle. Even without that problem, i wonder where this is all leading, we manage to clear up one ulcer and maybe have a few days grace when, before our very eyes, another one break out, it goes round and round... and i have to ask myself why the doctors don't try and cure the cause rather than the symptoms because until they do, i cannot see an end to this damn circle of infection/ulcer/ weeks of treatment/healing/infection/ulcer....... round and round we have been going for nearly 16 months now.

Well, there i was laying awake and wondering what the answer was and what i, me, his slave might be able to do that might make things a little better for him and for me as well and then it struck me, lets tackle one thing at a time, first MG needs to loose weight because in doing so that will aid the leg problem as well as the high blood pressure..... what else...oh yes..the dreaded weed..!!! It really is about time we gave up the weed... stopped smoking... arggggggggg..... because at the very least giving up smoking might help all the other problems in the long term and so... we have done.. just that. Both of us have decided its time to take the step and stop. It has to be a good step as i am convinced that it is the beginning of the end to some of the other health problems that we are both suffering of late.

With the aid of stop smoking patches and a course of tablets the Doc gave MG... within a few weeks we shall be reformed..."non smokers"

As i say..the docs gave MG a course of tabs to help him to give up which he is now taking and for me...well, patches are doing it for me and this is day 3 and i am doing great, have no need or desire to have a ciggy at all and that is brilliant considering i have been a smoker for some 35 years.

The odd headache that comes with nicotine withdrawal but that's it, and i cannot believe that the desire for a ciggie isn't the total focus any more... i don't want one, i certainly am not a blubbering wreak i thought i might be and MG, well his course is a bit more complicated than mine but in time he also will have no need to have a fag and we shall have made one big big step towards altering the vicious cirlce we seem to be in regarding our general health.

Quit smoking, loose some weight, no fags means more energy= ability to go walking = exercise = fit = legs better = general improvement in health = longer life = end goal

Have it sussed i think and the first step is on its way and it feels great to finally be doing something that i can see an end result to.

i'll keep you posted as to the progress.

Born Submissive

Are You A Born Submissive?

Do you melt at the merest suggestion of a command?

Were you born to serve?

Take the test and find out just how submissive you are.

Thought i had better take the test, just in case i am in the wrong job..hahaha

---------------------------------------------------------------

You are 81% Submissive!

Submissive and dominant personality traits are part of everyone's natural make-up. You may be very dominant in the workplace or in being the head of your family, and yet still be submissive when it comes to relationship or sexual matters. If you scored high you may want to look into BDSM as a healthy outlet for your need to serve and obey. If you scored very high it's likely you have already done so. If you scored very low you may want to take my test on dominance, and may have already explored BDSM as a healthy outlet for your need to control and direct others. You can find out more about this topic at my site.

Phew....thats ok then, at least i can hold that thought close and know i am in the right place for me... as if i needed a test to tell me what i already know, but was fun trying anyway.

Looking back

i don't know what made me do it, but i sat at my pc this morning and in a fit of boredom, decided to go back and re read my sub and slave journal.
i tend not to use that space any more as having started this blog, MG and i decided that to write two entries each day that were coming out pretty much the same was really a bit of a waste of time. However, having read my old journals i am wondering if that is true.
The pages that i wrote, for my Masters eyes only were far more personal than this blog will ever be, by definition, because it was a very private place and i think i might just have to talk to MG about this and see if maybe the journal cannot be re-instated in some form or another to allow me that private place to let go of some of the more "intimate" thoughts i have regarding our lives.
A year has passed nearly, i noted the entry of my Daughters 16th Birthday, well she is 17 next Thursday and how time flies and here we are, still Master and slave, still doing what we do, in the way that works for us and yet things are constantly changing, evolving and we continue to move forward within our M/s.

And how time has changed since those entries. I noted another that MG wrote that tells me not to let the journal slip as if nothing else it is a record of our lives together and how true that is because having looked back over some of the entries i find things i had long forgotten about, episodes in our lives that were well worth recording, incidence that it would be a shame to loose. So, i think, maybe a little step backwards to the days of the journal entry might be well worth the effort of writing them.

i also note that unlike my journal entries that were a "requirement", this blog is added to as and when i have a thought to write or a desire to put pen to paper. The journal had to be written daily and would let MG know about some of the thoughts and feelings i was having regarding our personal lives. i sort of miss that i think. Yes, i am going to talk to MG about this and see what can be done.
Of course, we all move on, we never stands still and it would be such a shame not to have a record of what our lives are like right now as opposed to how they were a year, two, three ago and yet, this whole year, within my mind has been lost from thoughts due to the lack of one simple entry per day. A shame really.

Me being stubborn, lazy, call it what you will but certainly my fault as if i recall it was i who suggested that with the blog running, there was no need to continue the journal...my mistake and i can see that now. Damn and blast.

Much is written about sub/slave journals, the need for, the reason behind them, what they should or shouldn't contain. Well i am living proof that they do serve a purpose and i sit here on this Easter Sunday and i am having regrets that i haven't kept mine up.

For that deeper level of communication between MG and i, i think this is a must and at the first opportunity i shall talk to him about this.

And on that note, i would like to wish all those who venture here, a Happy Easter, may the bunnies visit in abundance (with chocolate i mean.) as its a well written fact that sub/slaves has a passion for chocolate.

Who's Fault

i should call them players and wannabe's maybe, those who have made the conscious choice to play games, who have chosen to be something they are truly not to achieve their own ends.
Lying, cheating their way into peoples lives with only their own pleasures in their minds. They don't care who their use and abuse as long as they get what it is they are looking for, at whatever cost. And believe me, there are quite a few out there. They come online, come into chat rooms and play their sick little games and take people in without a second thought of how they can so easily hurt people.

Amazingly, there are those who actually believe that when you set out with the soul intention of using people that it is just a game and no one really gets hurt, that the person the other end of some chat screen is playing the same game and therefore couldn't possibly take anything that is said..Seriously.

But, its not their fault of course, they are not really coming into D/s with any serious intent, be they Dominant or submissive... if we accept that in fact, they have just stumbled across a D/s chat room and think its a good place to get a bit of kink for a while.

Catch them out at their little game tho and wait for the excuses

• 
  "It's not my fault, i has circumstances that mitigate my behavior. Sure, I pretended to be a man online, collared unsuspecting women and wore the collar of a man at the same time. I ridiculed those I lied to. I continued to lie. I cheated. I conned. I manipulated. I stole money. I turned on people who met and trusted me. I blamed everyone else for all the bad things that have ever happened to me in my entire life. But I am not dishonest! You see, it's not my fault!"
  

Why?

• "It's my parents fault for not giving me a good upbringing.""
• It's the fault of the school system for not giving me a good education."
• "It's society's fault for not taking care of me."
• "It's my husband's fault for not being what I wanted him to be."
• "It's my husband's fault because he beat me."
• "It's my employer's fault for not recognizing my talents."
• "It's my children's fault for being born."
• "It's the fault of fate."
• "It's the fault of my incestuous father/brother/uncle, etc."
• "It's God's fault."
• "It's my Master's fault."
• "It's all just a game, anyway."

It's everyone's fault, except the one who chose to lie, cheat and steal. So when do "we" become responsible?

i believes the answer is: From the moment we are born to our last dying breath. The concepts of right/wrong, good /evil, honest/corrupt are not just words. They are representations of the paths on which we choose to travel. The paths that tell the world what kind of people we are.
So when you choose to walk a path of dishonesty, it would seem a bit stupid to cry out, "I am, in real life, an honest person! This is just not my fault!"

Doesn't it???

And the clock ticks...

We humans, by our very nature sometimes wish time away and sometimes wish it would go more slowly. Either way, without any thought or action on our part, time does, inevitably move along. Some days it would seem to go faster than others but in reality, it passes and the future becomes the present and very soon it becomes the past.
We look back on good and bad times and in certain instances view those as worth remembering or trying to forget, however, that past is not changeable and it is what usually makes us the people we are.
My past isn't all that much worth even mentioning. Good bits have happened as well as bad and i like to view my whole life from within little boxes that i keep in a storage compartment in my memory bank. (brain)

Some boxes are pretty pink, with a frilly bow to tie the lid down, these i am happy to open and take out the contents and recall the good times. Other boxes might be plain, brown, boring and tied with a piece of string, the contents of which i can view without any difficulty if i have a mind to go to that time and place but these memories have little effect on me now. They are just that, memories.
i also have another box, black, dark, closed tight, wrapped around by a thick heavy chain, padlocked and no key. This box i never open, (or try not to)

My point is that we all have a past, some of which is good and some bad but these times in our lives we cannot change so therefore we have to deal with whatever each box holds for us and move on with the next memory without allowing the old ones to have to much effect on us at the present time in our lives.
If we continue to look back at the dark stages of our lives, we are never going to be able to move forward and without that chance, we are never going to be able to make new and happy memories to replace the old ones. There is of course the concept that we can learn from the past, from our mistakes and that is true to some degree, but to dwell on what was or what might have been, for me.... serves very little purpose.

i am moving on, things are happening so fast right now that it is rather difficult to keep up some times. i lay in bed at night planning, trying to imagine what things will be like in say a month or a year and the excitement i feel takes over and damn... can i sleep... not a chance. I am not one to plan to far ahead, life has a habit of changing all to soon and the plans made become redundant because something that was expected to happen, doesn't and its a matter of redefining it all over again, so i tend to be the sort who, altho i do plan, it is usually only in the foreseeable future, rather than years ahead.

So..to the present

• We, my Master and i are in the process of buying a house... oh the plans i am making in my mind are so exciting, even down to the wall colours and how i am going to plant out this huge garden that is currently a blank canvas.
• MG is about to start a new job, changes are afoot and with each one comes new prospects.
• i received my draft divorce papers yesterday, that wont take long to complete now.
• We are still planning on getting married ASAP, once the above is complete
• i have sorted the "menopausal" problems i was having and the HRT seems (fingers crossed) to be working in my favour

Its all go and the future holds some exciting prospects right now. However, with all that is going on there is never enough time for the spicier things in life and we have had little time for the M/s bits that are fundamental to who we are and will have even less as this new job of MG's is to be weekend working for a couple of months leaving little if any time alone when the children are not here.. but we both have accepted that as a necessary evil right now and i am sure we will find ways of keeping our M/s alive and vibrant. It might take a little more effort on both our parts to incorparate it into what is going to be a very hectic schedule but the fact that we are both aware that we will need to take time out for us in the next couple of months ..is a good way to be right now and i am hoping that we will do that, if things get too hectic and it doesn't happen as outrightly as i might wish it too, so be it, there will be other times and as has so often been said...the M/s is very much a mind thing for us, We know who we are and no amount of distractions or hustle and bustle is going to alter that in any significant way really.

At the end of each day, i am slave to MG, he is Master and that is how it will always be.

The times...they are achanging

So many things happening, so many things going on that it is hard to keep up with all that needs to be done and sorted.
Life changes and we much change with it or get left behind but in doing so, i have asked MG only today whether we are still living within our M/s as it tends to get lost amongst all the other everyday stuff that is usually going on and even more so at today's pace as so much is happening in our lives right now.
No need for me to detail here all that is currently shaping our lives suffice to say that its probably the same as many people have, job offers that need thinking about, home, work, bills, sick kids, schooling, divorces, solicitors..etc etc..as i say, probably like a million other peoples lives.

But in the melee of all this stuff...and with both MG and i not feeling 100% fit right now, our M/s has had to take a back seat for a while, once things settle...it will come back again.
On the surface, yes..its quiet, but its still there and it will always be there and when the timing is right, it will rise up again and be as strong.. if not stronger...than ever

Paranoia

Unusual for me, because i rarely experience such but today and maybe for about a week now, i most definitely am finding it is in me.
The imagination is a wicked thing at the best of times, it can have its good side when the mood takes you but for me, right now, i am getting the down side of it.
If i could see round the next corner, you bet that what i would see was the bad bit and as much as i am aware that it is, after all just my mind playing tricks on me, its still difficult to ignore it.
i feel the whole world is turning up on its end, my world, that what was once perfect, every little thing that isn't what i am use to i can so easily turn around to mean something its not.

All sorts of imaginary demons are surfacing right now and as i say.. i know what's happening, i can feel it but even so, this feeling of not being good enough, not being wanted, not being me....is breaking my normal, steady and stable resolve.

i want to scream at people and ask...why are you treating me like this, what have i done.... but they would probably laugh and tell me they are being as they always are and its me that is out of whack.

Stupid little things that usually would mean absolutely nothing at all.. i am reading things into.
Example..... every day as MG and i walk over to the train station to get his train, he holds my hand. This is something He always does, its a part of who we are, He leads the way. Today he didn't..!!!! Why didn't he... Probably because he had his bag in one hand and a cigarette in the other, but even so, usually he would find a way and today he didn't so there i am, walking beside him but alone.. not connected and my mind makes up all sorts of reasons as to why he didn't hold my hand. i don't have to spell those out to you all, i am sure you can probably imagine what is running around my head, which is pounding away as it has been for days now.

Stupid little things like that, i am reading all sorts of things into and its not just that one... many many every day things that normally i would pass over as just that, normal, of late i see something else in them and the something's i am seeing are driving me to imagine things that i know i will be told are rubbish but that doesn't help right now and as much as i know i am being stupid, i cannot help myself at present.

To my Master i say Sir, thank you for your understanding of these times.. i am sorry if i am saying and doing things that are way out of character and that i will sort it soon, i promise.

To my friends who are seeing a different cleo right now.. i apologise profoundly.. i will get this sorted and be back to my normal self ASAP.. i hope. Until i do, please just ignore the rantings of a menopausal female who is slowly going off her head.