Paranoia

Unusual for me, because i rarely experience such but today and maybe for about a week now, i most definitely am finding it is in me.
The imagination is a wicked thing at the best of times, it can have its good side when the mood takes you but for me, right now, i am getting the down side of it.
If i could see round the next corner, you bet that what i would see was the bad bit and as much as i am aware that it is, after all just my mind playing tricks on me, its still difficult to ignore it.
i feel the whole world is turning up on its end, my world, that what was once perfect, every little thing that isn't what i am use to i can so easily turn around to mean something its not.

All sorts of imaginary demons are surfacing right now and as i say.. i know what's happening, i can feel it but even so, this feeling of not being good enough, not being wanted, not being me....is breaking my normal, steady and stable resolve.

i want to scream at people and ask...why are you treating me like this, what have i done.... but they would probably laugh and tell me they are being as they always are and its me that is out of whack.

Stupid little things that usually would mean absolutely nothing at all.. i am reading things into.
Example..... every day as MG and i walk over to the train station to get his train, he holds my hand. This is something He always does, its a part of who we are, He leads the way. Today he didn't..!!!! Why didn't he... Probably because he had his bag in one hand and a cigarette in the other, but even so, usually he would find a way and today he didn't so there i am, walking beside him but alone.. not connected and my mind makes up all sorts of reasons as to why he didn't hold my hand. i don't have to spell those out to you all, i am sure you can probably imagine what is running around my head, which is pounding away as it has been for days now.

Stupid little things like that, i am reading all sorts of things into and its not just that one... many many every day things that normally i would pass over as just that, normal, of late i see something else in them and the something's i am seeing are driving me to imagine things that i know i will be told are rubbish but that doesn't help right now and as much as i know i am being stupid, i cannot help myself at present.

To my Master i say Sir, thank you for your understanding of these times.. i am sorry if i am saying and doing things that are way out of character and that i will sort it soon, i promise.

To my friends who are seeing a different cleo right now.. i apologise profoundly.. i will get this sorted and be back to my normal self ASAP.. i hope. Until i do, please just ignore the rantings of a menopausal female who is slowly going off her head.