i don't really think i ended the last blog with what was really on my mind, i just walked away from it late last night so i had better rectify that now.
i think my main difficulty at present is what is happening to me, something i have no control over and is likely to get worse before it gets better... that of the time of life that i am either going through now or that is coming on thick and fast.
We all know about the effects of the menopause, we have all read the literature... nothing however really prepares us for what actually happens to us... as a person. Oh and me, being the sort of person i am had said to myself as the time approached that this thing was not going to beat me, that i would cope with it the way i have coped with what life throw at the female.. all my life. i was so damn sure that child birth, before, during and after would have little effect and it didn't, that 30 something, 40 something and 50 something was not going to dominate my life, that woman of all ages had had to go through this stage and they coped so why cant i and that i was damn sure that i would not need and would refuse with ever ounce of my being to use HRT or any such stuff, that i would cope naturally.... and so far..i have.
However...some of the effects are so damn difficult.... we hear of hot flushes, but never in my dreams could i imagine the feeling of cooking from the inner out... the inner heat that rushes over you, any time, any place, any where, night and day..that feels like someone opened a furnace under you.... the swelling of fingers that make it almost impossible to clench your hand, the tiredness that never seems to go away... month after month. just some of what i am going through right now.. and to cap it all.. the what seems like constant.. headache, pounding, never going away, the restless sleep from which you wake each morning feeling like you haven't slept at all having been broken by countless awakening due to the heat coming from your body.... ahhhhhhhh
All these things on top of the constant self doubt i have about who i am and where i am going is making me into one miserable being at present and try as i might to shield people from that... taking it all within myself, sometimes it bursts out all over the place and those nearest and dearest to me take the brunt of it. i don't mean for that to happen, i do my best not to allow the effects to have any bearing on my family and even more so on MG.. He really doesn't need all that crap on top of all the other stuff he is constantly coping with and because of this and because i am not sure how much longer i am prepared to allow this change to have such a profound effect on me... i am, for the first time, thinking.. and i say thinking because that is as far as i have got as yet... that maybe its about time i saw someone about all this and took the artificial help to get me over this period in my life. That decision i haven't made yet....
Me... make a decision...you ask...well.. MG and i have talked about this a lot already and he knows of my aversion to putting stuff into my body that god hadn't intended to be there and he will not force or order me to do what goes against my beliefs so he has left this decision to me for the time being which i thank him for.
If the time comes when i am ready to accept defeat and go so the doc it will be because i am ready to, not because i have been told too.
Along with all the physical effect this is having on me there are a few emotional ones as well, the mood swings etc that i am trying really hard to cope with these last few days. Right now i feel fat and frumpy, i berate myself over and over again about why MG would want to put up with this, why should he want me with all these problems i am facing right now. If he backs away from me for fear of getting his head bitten off i think its because he doesn't want to be close...when he gets close.. i don't want that and we go round and round in circles.... and you wonder why i am confused...!!!
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