Confusion

You may well ask why i have titled this entry as i have. i know for sure MG will but if i may explain my thinking here a bit.

Of course i am confused, that's nothing new, it is my way, to have some sort of confusion within my life, so what makes today any different. If i didn't have something to confuse me, something to ponder on, to twist and turn around in my head i swear i would just be vegetating and that would never do. Thinking, pondering, working my way around or out of a situation, finding an answer, trying this way and that way to come up with, what i think is the best result for even some of the most mundane daily life bits and pieces.... it keeps my brain active and my thoughts charged. Sitting in front of the square box (television) has never satisfied my imagination or increased my intellect to any degree worth mentioning, soaps have not ever held a fascination for me, dramas, maybe, documentaries also, tho not night after night, over and over..but, thoughts, ideas, puzzles, riddles, those keep me on the ball.
So..todays topic of confusion is...apart from the trouble of kitting out my 10 year old daughter in clothing of the 1940's era for a school project ( what does her teacher think i am..to be able to find anywhere this sort of stuff in 2005) i digress....

Who am i, i guess is my favourite confusion topic and once again i suppose i am posing the same question for myself but today i do have a reason. i was watching (out of the corner of my eye while kids had TV on) an American court program, the ones with the Lady Judges making life decisions regarding other peoples lives. Divorce Court i think it was called. The case in question was that of a 30 something female wishing to end her 9 year marriage to a 64 year old man because...she said, she had fallen out of love with him and that his habits that at one stage of their relationship, didn't bother her, now did, the way he ate his food, the way he drove the car, silly mundane life things..but now they grated on her to the point of distraction. Love had at an earlier time covered up the irritations for her, now that no longer existed she could only see the annoyance in them. But surely, as we all grow these things that could be considered annoying become a part of ones life and as such we all take the rough with the smooth on a daily basis. We don't walk away because something isn't just quite right, what we should do is to try and either make that problem better or except that it is a part of who we are and as such.if it were to be changed, we would see a different person anyway

It is easy to become complacent, to sit back and allow it just to flow, someone said to me recently that he thought that at my time of life (nearly, very nearly 50) that it was sort of expected that i should have gained weight and got cuddly and content and that having found my man and happiness it wasn't uncommon for this to have occurred. ( i sort of resented that as i felt the implication was that we females give up trying after we have got our man, but the man is of little significant and i wasn't about to argue with him..my attitude to his remarks were "Whatever") but it is a fact, well documented that mid life (nice term) and the sleek body and the fine skin do tend to get lost in all the other things that have to be sorted. My eldest daughter also feels that i am more "mummmsee" now than i was, i guess that means soft and cuddly and that's ok between me and her as mother and daughter (use to really get her goat that i had a slimmer figure than she did) but my point here is.. is it ok for me, as slave to MG to become "comfortable", to maybe allow myself to let go a bit and relax into our relationship as a normal couple living our lives together.
Does being a slave mean that i have to constantly be on my guard that i do not allow that to happen, that i am in constant fear of an extra pound or too, that if in gaining that weight, i might incur the wrath of my Master... or am i allowed to be a little like any other female of my age and allow nature to do, what nature will do..?
Should i worry endlessly that i might be letting my master down, that i am not trying to be the best i can be for him ?
As i say..thoughts that provoke and stimulate me on a mental level, and heck..confuse me along the way