Imperfections

i have vision, or i am told i have. i have the ability to achieved what i am trying to do because if i didn't i would be the first to not even try, that's something i know about me, if there isn't any hope of success, i wont even try because that to me is setting myself up for failure and failure is one huge great big down trip, so its obvious that i wont even go there to begin with. Logical i think.
So, when i fail, (which is what i have been doing most of the last few days) i expect myself to slip slowly ever downwards into some pit of deep dark black goo, strangely enough tho, i haven't. (maybe i am learning) so why haven't i ?

• maybe i am not really that bothered about what i was trying to achieve in the long run..
• maybe i really wasn't putting all i could into the task in the first place..?
• maybe i have just been killing time all along..?
• maybe i have picked a task that is really beyond me at this time ?

Gawd knows why i should ever think that i can be perfect at everything i do or at least try to do. i haven't got a hope in hell really , yet does it stop me trying, does it heck. Its got to be right or its for the bin and it seems that most of my efforts the last week have ended up right there, in the bin.
Dont get me wrong tho.... perfections is what i strive for in all aspects of my life knowing full well that as a member of the human race the odds of achieving that are about as long as winning the lottery. Yet we do the lottery every week without fail. So i guess that explains why i continue to try and try again, maybe in the hope that with the continued effort an end result, altho not perfect might be "good enough"

I guess i cannot expect perfection of myself really but as far as it goes, i have to do my very best, be that within my relationship with MG , as his slave, as a mother to my children, as a partner, lover, carer etc, as just me... i have always wanted, even expected of myself, the best i can give, half hearted, its doesn't matter attitude doesn't work so the "maybe i wasn't putting in all i could" line doesn't work at all because i am definitely an "All or Nothing" kind of person.
But damn it, failure sits ill with me, makes me so damn cross with myself when i cannot do something to the standard i think i should be able too.

It isn't about what others think i am capable of... altho of course their opinion might help me on my way, encouragement is always valid and is a great asset, but i have to know within myself that i can do something, that i can make the grade, meet the target, achieve an end result, so it is an obvious outcome that when i don't i am going down and for me, usually quickly and without stopping on the way.

Self esteem is a very vulnerable thing and mine is easily shaken so when failure does occur, that self image is the one that take the knocks. Guilt at failing, beating myself up over something which really, if i had any control over i wouldn't have failed at in the first place and yet..

Here's an added thought.. if i don't fail, how will i ever learn because being good at everything allows no room for improvement. What would there be to improve on if perfection was reached every time.

AS slave to MG, my task is to always be as best as i can be, improving on the skills that are not as sharp as some others, growing within myself, learning new things and to do that there will have to be failure or at least a job not so well done so that i may learn from that and find ways to make it better the next time.

And all that is well and good but my problem seems to be that "The next time" has to be the minute i have failed and so... off i go again attempt the almost impossible... but..

i will achieve, i will do what it is i am trying to achieve.... a day, a week, however long it takes, i shall acquire the skills needed to improve so that i will not fail.