Venting

i am not sure where to begin this entry because some might feel that i really have no need to make it, but, the idea of my blog from the very beginning was to reflect how my life is going and also as a place to me to publish my thoughts on various subjects. It seems to me tho that of late, it is more of the latter and less of how and who cleo is.
So today, its about me and what is going on in my head right now, which as i say, some may feel isn't really worth a read, but here goes anyway.
MG has been home for 5 days, what a great 5 days too, we rarely get a chance to spend that much time together and i think i have been rather spoilt because it comes as a great big downer when he has to return to the grind and i go all flat and lifeless without him around. That's where i am right now, at about as low in the bottomless pit as i can be.
Why?.. who knows, the euphoria of having him around, the special times we have together, the one on one, the love making and M/s, all these things we have time to take part in and now, ziltch, nothing, mundane, boring, hum drum daily life resumes and to be honest, i don't know what to do with myself.
Oh i have my chores, the washing that's piled up while he has been at home, and lets not forget that pile will need ironing sooner rather than later, but i don't mean those kinds of thing, i mean my Master, his slave and all that entails has disappeared now that he is back on the work mode of life and as much as i appreciate that that is how it has to be, that doesn't make it any easier to come to terms with. You could say that i should be grateful for the time we had and truly, i am, but like most nice things in life, the more we have the more we want... and i want more and more... and the more i get, just makes me want and need and i cant have.

So lets get on with life and stop with the whinging you could say, you have it made cleo... and of course i couldn't agree more, i am aware, as i have been told on so many occasions, that i am very lucky to have what i have, in that i am in a stable, devoted M/s relationship, that my Master is one who many would give their eye teeth for, (not MG (he is mine, all mine) in particular but what it is that makes him a Dom ) that i am well cared for and loved and that the way in which we conduct our lives and how that reflects on us as a couple, is what many wish to attain.. and not many have found, and yet still, here i sit, while he sleeps off the effects of last nights 12 hour shift, readying himself for the next one this evening and i am lost without his input into my day. Is that sad, a grown woman, with most if not all of the daily chores to do, just like a million other housewives/ mothers/ partners and all i can do is moan about what i haven't got.

A question was asked in our comm yesterday about what it is that makes the M/s lifestyle so different from the vanilla style and i guess that what i am saying here might just be an answer to that question.

The life of a submissive/slave is totally intertwined with that of her Master, he is the focal point, the hub round which she turns, the pinnacle of her life and without his guidance, his input into her life she becomes only part of who she can be because her focus is missing, her reason for being who she is... it is seen so often when a M/s relationship comes to an end, that the sub is left floundering in a space where she has no idea of how to cope or manage, having become so use to having the constant input of her Dominant to guide a large majority of how she behaves, interacts with others, with him etc she no longer knows which way to turn... that is of course not to say that we are all brain dead or that we cannot function without the support of our Masters, not at all.. what it means is that subs prefer to have the constant input of their Doms, it is a major part of what living a M/s lifestyle is all about, that they give over so much of themselves into the relationship that when they are not called to do that, they have to find other means by which to pull themselves along the road of life, ways that they would prefer not to have to find. If that was how they wished to live the chances are they would not be a sub or be within the bounds of an M/s relationship, preferring to live a nilla life and all that entails. It may well be that as subs, it is a part of who we are, the need to have a focus, something to guide our time and our days, i know for sure that it is a need i have.

Had MG said to me that i must do this or that today, i would be in perfect fettle, i would have my focus, i would know where i was going within my submission, within my servitude to him even had the request been of no M/s bearing whatsoever, that he had made the request would be enough... the very fact that i had been given direction on which i could focus my day i would be right where i have a need to be..in service to my Master. Without that, i am lost, i admit it...

In my vanilla days, before M/s i had times when i had no purpose to my day and having experienced the tightness, even confinement to a degree, of the power exchange that is of my choosing, i have within my relationship with MG, found what i need, the control, the focus, the knowledge that i have a reason to do whatever it is i am doing, be it M/s or otherwise, because the direction is what i need, the driving force behind me is my Master. i seek always to do his bidding, to see that his every need is fulfilled to the very best of my ability...what then do i do when he has not got any particular need or that they have all been covered, where do i go from here i ask. Please myself maybe, do some of the things that i like to do and of course, that's a fair comment, but inevitably i come back to what makes me a slave, the need to please my Master, to see that he is happy and fulfilled and that everything that needs to be done to see that his life is the very best and the most comfortable that i can make it, is done.

He knows this, he is aware of who i am and what makes me tick, if he didn't, he wouldn't be a very good Dom and not the one for me, but he does and its what he committed too when he took me as his sub/slave, that he would be my focus, that everything i do is in relation to who we are and how we live. That my need to serve is far stronger than many other aspects of who i am. The desire to please, the need to give over to him a major part of me and in doing so, for him to take hold of that and guide it along. He took that on, sure, it may well be a burden to him sometimes, a heavy responsibility to carry, but that's what makes us Master and slave as opposed to a vanilla couple. Its who we are and how we chose to live our lives.

There are always going to be times when we don't quite fit together right, none of these of our making i might add, just outside influences having a bearing on how we live and its these usually that throw the spanners into the works and screw it all up and its like that today... if MG were awake, if he had no need to sleep, there is no doubt we would be as one, doing something that we both had a need to see finished or even begin something new, but the main thing would be that we would be together, as a team, as a couple.

Damn, first load of washing is done, best i get on with that now.... at least i have his socks to pair up ( in his service even the socks get my special attention .. heheh) ... and if i don't do it..no one else will..

Regards to you all, may your days be filled with purpose and your lives with joy and happiness, mine is, even tho i have days when i need to vent,....today being one of them