Questions

It could be said that to ask questions is the way to learn, that to ask and find out what it is you need to know is likely to assist you in only a good way, however, i have found that there are also times, NOT to ask questions.
i have also found that rather more often than not, i ask at the wrong time or the wrong subject.

When i say questions, what i mean is i query, i question, i have to know and sometimes it would be better for me to just accept that something is, or that something will be rather than dig and dig and try to reason out or justify whatever it is.

It would seem that i am never happy with just accepting that something will be if MG has said it will be, i always have to ask Why ? or when/where/how/ etc etc... never is it enough for me to just be told and take it that MG has said so therefore it is.... bad trait in a slave that's for sure.

Silly thing is, i know i am doing it, i can even say before MG does, when he checks me on this.. He is about to say "don't question it slave" and before He can say it i say " i know Sir, don't question"
Something i am aware off that needs some attention on my part. A trait that isn't good and that with MGs help i can work on to minimise.

Of course, within life to question is a good thing, if we didn't question we would be somewhat a doormat and i don't think i am one of those but when it comes to a direction from MG, i really feel that i shouldn't question what he says even if it is because i want to know why i am being asked to do so and so. i have to find some other way to ask rather than come straight out and ask Why ...!!!!

"Why" sounds like a challenge to me and far be it for me to challenge MGs authority... after all, in my submission isn't that what i have given to him, the ability to have that authority over me. ? Isnt that what i gave over when i accepted his collar and his Dominance, to do as he wished me to do without question.

Damn, answering my own questions again...!!!

Floggers and Canes

A quicky blog this evening i think, for a couple of reasons... one i haven't really got that much going on in my head D/s wise, too many nilla things running around in there, my lil one unwell, the London thing and MG having to go to work up there as well. Oh all sorts of mundane things happening that are really of no interest to anyone else but yet have some significant bearing on us. All put together to make up a bit of a reason to feeling tense and uptight.

And here we are again, the weekend comes around and its one that MG isn't at work for, in fact, the last one he wont be at work for, for about 5 weeks so its make the most of it time. Haven't been up to much of anything lately as there always seems to be something to get in the way, last weekend i had the most stinking cold, weekend before MG had it.... if its not one thing, its another that stops us from making the most of the special times we get together. But this weekend, i have my fingers crossed that nothing will get in the way and we might just get some ropes out and give the floggers and canes an outing.

Its so easy to just let it pass and before you know it, its been a month since you played at some heavy BDSM... hey if that's how it works out, so be it but from my point of view, i get soft..literally, the skin softens up and i cannot take anywhere near the amount of caning or flogging as i can when i have been use to the feel created over a couple of weeks/months at regular intervals. So its back to square one and a matter of building up the resistance. Lots of awwwwwwwwwwww's and ouchie i think

Best get on, tomorrow is another day and the first of MGs days off, have to be alert

Confusion yet again

i dream, i desire so many things from within our M/s, i know that i have a need, it can almost be called an urge, to feel his dominance, his power, his control. i know i want this, i know i need it and yet, when it is there, it hurts, its almost to painful to bear sometimes and yet, it is who we are, it is what we do, it is what we have both said over and over again, what we give to one another.

So why, when it is there, do i struggle with it so.

oh sure, i can write about all the ideas of the slave struggling with her submission, sure, i am struggling, sure i get pissed off when i have given 99.9% and it's still not enough, but then there is this spark in me that says……...sheeeshhh woman, of course it isn't, you have to give the other 0.01%, only when you have given that can you say you have given it everything you have and only then will your Master be happy with what you have done, so stop the moaning, you gave yourself, totally, even down to the 0.01% when you accepted his collar and became his slave, no half measures here.

Oh but i struggle.

i struggle with the not having, i moan about not feeling my Masters hand, mentally or physically, when the outside influences get in the way for weeks on end, and then i go and moan when in a few short seconds, in a few words, my Master can literally bring me to my knees. Failure, that awful awful word, turns me into a broken mess and try as i might to ignore that, try as i might to deny the notion that a sub/slave punishes herself far far more than her Master ever can... its right, i do, i did.

i feel bereft, i feel a failure. Its not MGs intention to do that i am sure, it isn't what we are about, it isn't his doing, its all mine, i make myself feel this way, i am the one feeling like this but why, isn’t what happens what we are about, isn’t it right that if i miss something, if i do not do what is expected of me that my Master should, quite rightly, point that out to me , isn’t it right that i should be corrected and be pleased that he has noticed and that he has taken the time to say something......gawd, we both know that had i not been corrected i would.. or could have found a reason to moan about that, that i wasn’t feeling his dominance, that he was playing softly softly with me, in fact, i had said much the same not a few days ago, groaned probably about it, that he was far far to soft and allowed me to get away with far to much, which i bet he agreed with because he does.... and yet

my Master speaks a few harsh words, tells me i have erred and i am a crumbling mess..!!!!

i am not looking for answers here, i just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for listening

Respect

When she speaks with respect, He knows pride;

When she kneels with pride, He knows respect;

When she stands before Him with dignity, placing her being in His charge, He knows responsibility;

When her eyes light up as she says "yes Master"' He knows love..

Challenging

Submission is consensually yielding our own power to that of someone we trust. Not everyone really understands D/s relationships, even those who portend to be in them. Some mistakenly believe that submissives submit out of weakness. Nothing can be farther than the truth. Most submissive women desire a man who is more dominant than she is so that she can feel his "power" and be inspired by his strength. After all, it is easy to dominate someone who is easily controlled, but a challenge to dominate someone who is powerful.

i enjoy M/s, if i didn't iwouldn't be 24/7 with my Master, i identify myself as a submissive, even though there are times when i have to take charge/control of my life and my kids but in general my nature is submissive.

i should stop trying to explain myself....... i am who i am, whatever that is.

100% submissive to my partner, yet dominant when needs dictate. So, does it make me a dominant who submits to a dominant who is MORE dominant?

Does it really matter?

When all is said and done, i am my Master's slave. Nothing can change that fact. Being 100% submissive to my Master doesn't mean that i don't flex my strength every now and then, however, it's short lived. i always yield to his strength and his power over me.

It is not my nature to yield to anyone, but he inspires this from me. i don't give this up easily. But i do so because i can defer to his wisdom, his intelligence. He makes sense. He is rational. i trust his judgment and his power. i respect him and the power he has over me. He has proven himself worthy over and over.

There is no power struggle because he is clearly more dominant than i am. i like it that way. It wouldn't work any other way. Not for me, not for him. He wants a submissive, and i want a Master. i want my man to be stronger than i am, but that by no means makes me any less powerful. It only means that i can be as strong as i am without fearing that i will overpower him, and thereby destroy the M/s relationship we have.

When i yield to his power it is because of his strength, not my weakness. i am not afraid of him. i am with him because i want to be, not because i need to be. i need him in my life because he is my rock and the center of my universe, but not because i am dependent on him for strength.

So, next time i challenge my own submission, our way of life, the very core of who we are, what we are and where we are going, someone kick me in the butt and tell me to stop being so stupid.

What i have is what i want/need/desire..why do i always have to challenge it..!!!!

Roses growing

Being submissive is not about submitting to ANYTHING the Dominant wants just to please him. It's submitting to EVERYTHING he wants that doesn't violate that which is sacred to you. If you cannot trust that he will not violate your sacred principles, you must not submit..

The notion that one has to give ALL, to prove one is sub/slave,whether that "All" is given out of some idea that if you don't give everything you are not a submissive, think, If your gut says it isn't right, there is a good reason. Too often submissives are working so hard to prove to themselves or to another that they ARE REALLY submissive, they ignore everything else, they ignore common sense.

Then you feel so stupid as we really KNEW better the whole time, but have put our common sense aside for want of what..???

You have to figure out what you want in life and for your life before you can know who to look for and know the traits you seek or don't seek in a life partner. Trying to fit the proverbial round peg into a square hole has never worked and will never work, however hard we might try and make it fit.

Be yourselves, be the person who reads the labels in the supermarket and decided that the fresh fruit isn't so fresh after all, don't be hoodwinked into believing it just because you are told it is so... because chances are, its not and roses do not grow around many doors really.!!!

Feet Hurt, Back hurts, Ache all over.

Well, we bought a house.... none of this slave cannot own anything for us, we are far to practical for that. So yes "We" bought a house for our family to live in and with the painting and the decorating... the cleaning of the flat still to do before we return it to our landlord of the last 4 years... we are both totally knackered.
MG took a shift off work to do his bit and i am sure he is quite happy to return to work tomorrow evening, just to have a rest because i have to say it has been a hard 2 weeks slog. Every day back and forth between the flat and the house, trying to maintain some sort of life between the 2, trying to keep body and soul together, not just us but the kids as well. Well i think its about finished... the decorating at least.... all we have to do now is move and altho that is going to take a bit of graft, it cannot be anywhere as near as what we have been doing for the past couple of weeks.
And talking of "slaves"..how silly some people can be.. the idea that you have to be "in slave mode" 24/7, how many times have we said that it is not possible to be and yet i am shocked this week to find one of the most staunch slaves i had come to read a lot about, saying she and her Master are moving away from the lifestyle because it no longer seems to fit in with their other life activities. Of course it doesn't, not all day every day but does that make one not D/s, not in my book because i am convinced that this lifestyle is in your blood, you cannot hide from it, you cannot walk away from it, you cannot deny its existence... we find that we drift sometimes, from our M/s, sometimes we are very deep into the Master/slave roles, other times we could be seen as equal partners in a relationship, we are also parents and as such need to be a dual force where our children are concerned, that sometimes means that our M/s is buried under a lot of other influences, but trust me....it id never far away, never that far under the surface.

How people can just walk away from this.... i have no idea..!!!

Steps and paths and journeys

A TV advert has caught my eye these past couple of days and every time it comes on the television i am struck by its content. Matters not really what they are advertising suffice to say that the content goes something like this.

"Be who it is you want to be"

"What works for you may not work for everyone else"
"Make small changes as many small changes will make up to one big change"
"Every journey we take begins with the first step"

So why does this have such an effect on me. Well, if this was an advert for living a D/s lifestyle it wouldn't be far wrong is my first thought. Secondly the concept that life is built up of journeys has been one that is often talked about within our world of D/s, as is "walking the path".

But in the main, why i am so attracted to these words right now has little or nothing to do with the overall concept or meaning behind the words. However, they do strike a cord in me and we could all do well to take note of the meaning behind them. But i digress, so why am i so taken by all this ?

"Every journey we take begins with the first step"...that's the bit that for me says what it is that is wandering around in my brain hour after hour of late because i had thought, assumed, that i had started my journey a long time ago, this journey, this M/s lifestyle choice and that having started all those many many moons ago, that by definition i must be, should be, at least a good way along my chosen path, not nearing the end by any means, but at least a fair way along the road, a lot of water under each bridge, vast amounts of knowledge gains, techniques learnt, etc etc. And yet......

Those words have all of a sudden said to me.... Hold on here cleo, maybe you are not quite so far along the path as you think you are, maybe in fact, you are still just touching the tiniest tip of the iceberg, maybe you are only just beginning.

And i see it all clearer with that thought. i see why i question, why i doubt, why i am never satisfied with what it is i know or think i know, why i am always asking for more, need more, want more.

i have gone over the crest of the hill when it comes to the journey of life, at 50 i have done that and been there and i am on the downward slope now but..... in my M/s life, in this life, this journey, i am just born even tho my choice bought me to this place some 4 years ago, i am a new born, learning every single day, something new and i feel that each day must be a journey in itself to have lasted so long that in those 4 years i have only traveled such a short distance. Because it is obvious that i haven't traveled far, not anywhere near far enough because with each day i find new things, i feel new things, i experience new things. Each incident, each activity something new happens.

And there i was, so sure that i was an old hand at all this M/s stuff, after all.. i am a 24/7 slave, what is there that i don't know about living M/s, i have to know it all or how could i possible live it... WRONG... that's my mistake.. i don't know and because i don't, i loose what it is i thought i had under all the feelings of what i think i am expected to do, or what i expect. Its not about expecting, its not even about experiencing, its about tasting and trying and liking and finding out and trying some more and moving on, not forward, just on, maybe into another direction and keeping on traveling and finding out and testing this way and that way and seeing ifs its what you want and need. Doesn't matter if it doesn't fit the norm, doesn't work as you have been told to believe it will, all that matters is that, it works for you and yours and that at the end of it you come out with what you feel is good for you. Those damn labels say, i am slave and as such, so and so is expected of me... bulls***, the only thing that's expected of me, comes from MG

Of course we have used a good many techniques during our time together, and of course, we know how each may respond to any given situation, however, the slightest nuance, the slightest alteration in mood or temperament (on either part) and we will find ourselves in a place on the map that we have never ever been to before. And lets not forget, that with every journey, the first step is going to dictate the direction we are going in at that time..and even, "that time".. is a beginning of another journey, within our M/s journey because its going to be a new situation every single time.

So now i can stop beating myself up, stop worrying why i feel so bad sometimes that i am not doing what i feel is expected of a seasoned lifestyler. Why i might not be up there doing what it is i am meant to be doing, My problem was.... that i thought, i knew it all.... and i don't but at least now, i have realised that... i can have so much fun finding out.

Progress Report

Quick drop in to let those who are interested in what happening....exactly what is happening with us right now.

Lets review what's what then.

• Divorce. Papers have been served to my Ex and he has returned them and i am duly informed that the Nisi will be done ASAP. 6 weeks after that the absolute and i shall be a free woman.
• Smoking. Going ok for us both, Neither of us have broken the silent vow that we will not smoke again. Too many reasons to not take up the weed again and very few in favour off. The "i need a fag" syndrome is still there and isnt getting any less with time but i think we are both far to strong and determined to quit for good that there is no way the urges will win.
• MGs job is ok at present altho still Friday/Saturday/Sunday nights. But 3 nights a week isnt bad and is over before you can even begin to think about it, each week. The time frame for his company to alter the shift pattern is the beginning of June so its really a matter of waiting and seeing what they come up with to replace the 3 nights. Watch this space.
• Our M/s is... our M/s..just that. It works in a way that is just there, sometimes showing obviously, other times, in the background, but whatever, its there and will spark into life or not, as the mood and the situation dictates.
• House. Contracts about to be exchanged, we are hoping to be moved in by my Birthday which is 30th June. Would be nice, fingers crossed

Everything else. Going on about as smoothly as in any household. Kids are fine and once exams are out of the way and the summer is here, time for them to chill out and relax a bit, which both deserve.

Time Out !!

Haven't been online a lot this last week or so, i'll be honest with you, the PC hasn't even been switched on as i am in one of those " PC ... grrr...." kind of moods.
The last thing i want to do is sit in front of a monitor and do what...chat, write, stare at some silly game or just a blank screen. Right now the pc holds little of my attention and even less of my time.
i can see no reason to sit in seekers chat room when no one else is there to talk too. it would be a sad day for me if that was all i had to do... sit and wait for someone to come and chat...No Sir...thats not my way. The room is there, if people want to use it, so be it, if not, so be that also and i can say without any fear of contradiction, i for one am not sitting around waiting. These times happen, when no one is around and it might last a few weeks or a few months, who knows but whatever, seekers room and of course, seekers website will always be there if people need it.

How's the smoking going.....Thanks for asking...in fact, couldn't be better as neither MG or i have had any need to have a cigarette since we made the decision to give up. So who's counting the days.... well lets see..9/10, not sure to be honest but certainly longer than a week and still going strong. Of course, the habit of smoking hasn't gone away, the times when you think to yourself, "i could just have a ciggie now", after meals, or with a cuppa, but we are both not that silly. We have talked about the " lets just have one" idea and decided that we are not the "lets just have one" type of people... its all or nothing with us as one would become two and so on, habitual kind of people we are, so we are not even going to go there... no smoking means just that..NO smoking.

How is everything else going. I guess you could say, up and down really, one day up, the next day down, nothing ever standing still or moving forward anywhere near as quickly as i would like. Lets review what's what then.

• Divorce. Coming along, papers served to my ex and according to my solicitor, by mid July i should be a divorcee and MG and i can move on with our plans for a wedding in 2005
• House. Moving very very slowly thanks to the bright spark who isn't such a bright spark of a financial consultant who isn't really and doesn't know his ass from his elbow. The girl behind him, the one you never see, the one that gets all the bits and pieces together and sends then all off to the appropriate quarter is the one who is the bright spark. The front man, cause that's what he is, looks good, sounds good but that's where it all ends sort of person hasn't done what he said he had done so we are a few steps back from where we thought we were, but fingers crossed, it should all carry on smoothly once the right bits of paper are with the right person at the right end. (Fingers crossed)
• Smoking. See above
• MGs new job is working out ok albeit for the time being Friday/Saturday/Sunday night leaving us no time whatsoever to be alone but we knew this was going to happen and we felt that for the short term we could manage with that for the good of all and for the long term benefits we would gain.
• MGs old job has been giving us some real hassle this week when his ex boss decided to juggle the wages/holiday figures owed to his advantage and not ours. i think we might see more of this as MG isn't about to let this one go.
• Our M/s is... i think, on hold, there are far to many other things that have to take a front seat, that we cannot pass over and because of that, something has to give and right now, its our M/s i think, altho, its still there, in the mind, and comes to the fore as and when it is a natural thing to happen. Nothing forced, nothing played , just as and when it is a natural progression, when we both react, instinctively to one another.
• Everything else. Plodding along. Nothing to shout about, nothing to moan about. Just rather plodding at present and i guess that is about all one can hope for what with everything going on right now.

So, there you have it, what is and what isn't happening with us right now. i'll pop back soon and let you know how things are progressing.

Take care

Non Smoker

Well, i woke up on Wednesday morning, having spent a very restless night worrying over just about everything i could possibly worry about, my health, MG's health, the kids, money, you name it, just about everything that had the tiniest reason to worry about it.

Mainly, i guess, i worried about MG and his health. His legs are not getting any better, and now i know, he also has an infection in his right ankle. Even without that problem, i wonder where this is all leading, we manage to clear up one ulcer and maybe have a few days grace when, before our very eyes, another one break out, it goes round and round... and i have to ask myself why the doctors don't try and cure the cause rather than the symptoms because until they do, i cannot see an end to this damn circle of infection/ulcer/ weeks of treatment/healing/infection/ulcer....... round and round we have been going for nearly 16 months now.

Well, there i was laying awake and wondering what the answer was and what i, me, his slave might be able to do that might make things a little better for him and for me as well and then it struck me, lets tackle one thing at a time, first MG needs to loose weight because in doing so that will aid the leg problem as well as the high blood pressure..... what else...oh yes..the dreaded weed..!!! It really is about time we gave up the weed... stopped smoking... arggggggggg..... because at the very least giving up smoking might help all the other problems in the long term and so... we have done.. just that. Both of us have decided its time to take the step and stop. It has to be a good step as i am convinced that it is the beginning of the end to some of the other health problems that we are both suffering of late.

With the aid of stop smoking patches and a course of tablets the Doc gave MG... within a few weeks we shall be reformed..."non smokers"

As i say..the docs gave MG a course of tabs to help him to give up which he is now taking and for me...well, patches are doing it for me and this is day 3 and i am doing great, have no need or desire to have a ciggy at all and that is brilliant considering i have been a smoker for some 35 years.

The odd headache that comes with nicotine withdrawal but that's it, and i cannot believe that the desire for a ciggie isn't the total focus any more... i don't want one, i certainly am not a blubbering wreak i thought i might be and MG, well his course is a bit more complicated than mine but in time he also will have no need to have a fag and we shall have made one big big step towards altering the vicious cirlce we seem to be in regarding our general health.

Quit smoking, loose some weight, no fags means more energy= ability to go walking = exercise = fit = legs better = general improvement in health = longer life = end goal

Have it sussed i think and the first step is on its way and it feels great to finally be doing something that i can see an end result to.

i'll keep you posted as to the progress.

Born Submissive

Are You A Born Submissive?

Do you melt at the merest suggestion of a command?

Were you born to serve?

Take the test and find out just how submissive you are.

Thought i had better take the test, just in case i am in the wrong job..hahaha

---------------------------------------------------------------

You are 81% Submissive!

Submissive and dominant personality traits are part of everyone's natural make-up. You may be very dominant in the workplace or in being the head of your family, and yet still be submissive when it comes to relationship or sexual matters. If you scored high you may want to look into BDSM as a healthy outlet for your need to serve and obey. If you scored very high it's likely you have already done so. If you scored very low you may want to take my test on dominance, and may have already explored BDSM as a healthy outlet for your need to control and direct others. You can find out more about this topic at my site.

Phew....thats ok then, at least i can hold that thought close and know i am in the right place for me... as if i needed a test to tell me what i already know, but was fun trying anyway.

Looking back

i don't know what made me do it, but i sat at my pc this morning and in a fit of boredom, decided to go back and re read my sub and slave journal.
i tend not to use that space any more as having started this blog, MG and i decided that to write two entries each day that were coming out pretty much the same was really a bit of a waste of time. However, having read my old journals i am wondering if that is true.
The pages that i wrote, for my Masters eyes only were far more personal than this blog will ever be, by definition, because it was a very private place and i think i might just have to talk to MG about this and see if maybe the journal cannot be re-instated in some form or another to allow me that private place to let go of some of the more "intimate" thoughts i have regarding our lives.
A year has passed nearly, i noted the entry of my Daughters 16th Birthday, well she is 17 next Thursday and how time flies and here we are, still Master and slave, still doing what we do, in the way that works for us and yet things are constantly changing, evolving and we continue to move forward within our M/s.

And how time has changed since those entries. I noted another that MG wrote that tells me not to let the journal slip as if nothing else it is a record of our lives together and how true that is because having looked back over some of the entries i find things i had long forgotten about, episodes in our lives that were well worth recording, incidence that it would be a shame to loose. So, i think, maybe a little step backwards to the days of the journal entry might be well worth the effort of writing them.

i also note that unlike my journal entries that were a "requirement", this blog is added to as and when i have a thought to write or a desire to put pen to paper. The journal had to be written daily and would let MG know about some of the thoughts and feelings i was having regarding our personal lives. i sort of miss that i think. Yes, i am going to talk to MG about this and see what can be done.
Of course, we all move on, we never stands still and it would be such a shame not to have a record of what our lives are like right now as opposed to how they were a year, two, three ago and yet, this whole year, within my mind has been lost from thoughts due to the lack of one simple entry per day. A shame really.

Me being stubborn, lazy, call it what you will but certainly my fault as if i recall it was i who suggested that with the blog running, there was no need to continue the journal...my mistake and i can see that now. Damn and blast.

Much is written about sub/slave journals, the need for, the reason behind them, what they should or shouldn't contain. Well i am living proof that they do serve a purpose and i sit here on this Easter Sunday and i am having regrets that i haven't kept mine up.

For that deeper level of communication between MG and i, i think this is a must and at the first opportunity i shall talk to him about this.

And on that note, i would like to wish all those who venture here, a Happy Easter, may the bunnies visit in abundance (with chocolate i mean.) as its a well written fact that sub/slaves has a passion for chocolate.

Who's Fault

i should call them players and wannabe's maybe, those who have made the conscious choice to play games, who have chosen to be something they are truly not to achieve their own ends.
Lying, cheating their way into peoples lives with only their own pleasures in their minds. They don't care who their use and abuse as long as they get what it is they are looking for, at whatever cost. And believe me, there are quite a few out there. They come online, come into chat rooms and play their sick little games and take people in without a second thought of how they can so easily hurt people.

Amazingly, there are those who actually believe that when you set out with the soul intention of using people that it is just a game and no one really gets hurt, that the person the other end of some chat screen is playing the same game and therefore couldn't possibly take anything that is said..Seriously.

But, its not their fault of course, they are not really coming into D/s with any serious intent, be they Dominant or submissive... if we accept that in fact, they have just stumbled across a D/s chat room and think its a good place to get a bit of kink for a while.

Catch them out at their little game tho and wait for the excuses

• 
  "It's not my fault, i has circumstances that mitigate my behavior. Sure, I pretended to be a man online, collared unsuspecting women and wore the collar of a man at the same time. I ridiculed those I lied to. I continued to lie. I cheated. I conned. I manipulated. I stole money. I turned on people who met and trusted me. I blamed everyone else for all the bad things that have ever happened to me in my entire life. But I am not dishonest! You see, it's not my fault!"
  

Why?

• "It's my parents fault for not giving me a good upbringing.""
• It's the fault of the school system for not giving me a good education."
• "It's society's fault for not taking care of me."
• "It's my husband's fault for not being what I wanted him to be."
• "It's my husband's fault because he beat me."
• "It's my employer's fault for not recognizing my talents."
• "It's my children's fault for being born."
• "It's the fault of fate."
• "It's the fault of my incestuous father/brother/uncle, etc."
• "It's God's fault."
• "It's my Master's fault."
• "It's all just a game, anyway."

It's everyone's fault, except the one who chose to lie, cheat and steal. So when do "we" become responsible?

i believes the answer is: From the moment we are born to our last dying breath. The concepts of right/wrong, good /evil, honest/corrupt are not just words. They are representations of the paths on which we choose to travel. The paths that tell the world what kind of people we are.
So when you choose to walk a path of dishonesty, it would seem a bit stupid to cry out, "I am, in real life, an honest person! This is just not my fault!"

Doesn't it???

And the clock ticks...

We humans, by our very nature sometimes wish time away and sometimes wish it would go more slowly. Either way, without any thought or action on our part, time does, inevitably move along. Some days it would seem to go faster than others but in reality, it passes and the future becomes the present and very soon it becomes the past.
We look back on good and bad times and in certain instances view those as worth remembering or trying to forget, however, that past is not changeable and it is what usually makes us the people we are.
My past isn't all that much worth even mentioning. Good bits have happened as well as bad and i like to view my whole life from within little boxes that i keep in a storage compartment in my memory bank. (brain)

Some boxes are pretty pink, with a frilly bow to tie the lid down, these i am happy to open and take out the contents and recall the good times. Other boxes might be plain, brown, boring and tied with a piece of string, the contents of which i can view without any difficulty if i have a mind to go to that time and place but these memories have little effect on me now. They are just that, memories.
i also have another box, black, dark, closed tight, wrapped around by a thick heavy chain, padlocked and no key. This box i never open, (or try not to)

My point is that we all have a past, some of which is good and some bad but these times in our lives we cannot change so therefore we have to deal with whatever each box holds for us and move on with the next memory without allowing the old ones to have to much effect on us at the present time in our lives.
If we continue to look back at the dark stages of our lives, we are never going to be able to move forward and without that chance, we are never going to be able to make new and happy memories to replace the old ones. There is of course the concept that we can learn from the past, from our mistakes and that is true to some degree, but to dwell on what was or what might have been, for me.... serves very little purpose.

i am moving on, things are happening so fast right now that it is rather difficult to keep up some times. i lay in bed at night planning, trying to imagine what things will be like in say a month or a year and the excitement i feel takes over and damn... can i sleep... not a chance. I am not one to plan to far ahead, life has a habit of changing all to soon and the plans made become redundant because something that was expected to happen, doesn't and its a matter of redefining it all over again, so i tend to be the sort who, altho i do plan, it is usually only in the foreseeable future, rather than years ahead.

So..to the present

• We, my Master and i are in the process of buying a house... oh the plans i am making in my mind are so exciting, even down to the wall colours and how i am going to plant out this huge garden that is currently a blank canvas.
• MG is about to start a new job, changes are afoot and with each one comes new prospects.
• i received my draft divorce papers yesterday, that wont take long to complete now.
• We are still planning on getting married ASAP, once the above is complete
• i have sorted the "menopausal" problems i was having and the HRT seems (fingers crossed) to be working in my favour

Its all go and the future holds some exciting prospects right now. However, with all that is going on there is never enough time for the spicier things in life and we have had little time for the M/s bits that are fundamental to who we are and will have even less as this new job of MG's is to be weekend working for a couple of months leaving little if any time alone when the children are not here.. but we both have accepted that as a necessary evil right now and i am sure we will find ways of keeping our M/s alive and vibrant. It might take a little more effort on both our parts to incorparate it into what is going to be a very hectic schedule but the fact that we are both aware that we will need to take time out for us in the next couple of months ..is a good way to be right now and i am hoping that we will do that, if things get too hectic and it doesn't happen as outrightly as i might wish it too, so be it, there will be other times and as has so often been said...the M/s is very much a mind thing for us, We know who we are and no amount of distractions or hustle and bustle is going to alter that in any significant way really.

At the end of each day, i am slave to MG, he is Master and that is how it will always be.

The times...they are achanging

So many things happening, so many things going on that it is hard to keep up with all that needs to be done and sorted.
Life changes and we much change with it or get left behind but in doing so, i have asked MG only today whether we are still living within our M/s as it tends to get lost amongst all the other everyday stuff that is usually going on and even more so at today's pace as so much is happening in our lives right now.
No need for me to detail here all that is currently shaping our lives suffice to say that its probably the same as many people have, job offers that need thinking about, home, work, bills, sick kids, schooling, divorces, solicitors..etc etc..as i say, probably like a million other peoples lives.

But in the melee of all this stuff...and with both MG and i not feeling 100% fit right now, our M/s has had to take a back seat for a while, once things settle...it will come back again.
On the surface, yes..its quiet, but its still there and it will always be there and when the timing is right, it will rise up again and be as strong.. if not stronger...than ever

Paranoia

Unusual for me, because i rarely experience such but today and maybe for about a week now, i most definitely am finding it is in me.
The imagination is a wicked thing at the best of times, it can have its good side when the mood takes you but for me, right now, i am getting the down side of it.
If i could see round the next corner, you bet that what i would see was the bad bit and as much as i am aware that it is, after all just my mind playing tricks on me, its still difficult to ignore it.
i feel the whole world is turning up on its end, my world, that what was once perfect, every little thing that isn't what i am use to i can so easily turn around to mean something its not.

All sorts of imaginary demons are surfacing right now and as i say.. i know what's happening, i can feel it but even so, this feeling of not being good enough, not being wanted, not being me....is breaking my normal, steady and stable resolve.

i want to scream at people and ask...why are you treating me like this, what have i done.... but they would probably laugh and tell me they are being as they always are and its me that is out of whack.

Stupid little things that usually would mean absolutely nothing at all.. i am reading things into.
Example..... every day as MG and i walk over to the train station to get his train, he holds my hand. This is something He always does, its a part of who we are, He leads the way. Today he didn't..!!!! Why didn't he... Probably because he had his bag in one hand and a cigarette in the other, but even so, usually he would find a way and today he didn't so there i am, walking beside him but alone.. not connected and my mind makes up all sorts of reasons as to why he didn't hold my hand. i don't have to spell those out to you all, i am sure you can probably imagine what is running around my head, which is pounding away as it has been for days now.

Stupid little things like that, i am reading all sorts of things into and its not just that one... many many every day things that normally i would pass over as just that, normal, of late i see something else in them and the something's i am seeing are driving me to imagine things that i know i will be told are rubbish but that doesn't help right now and as much as i know i am being stupid, i cannot help myself at present.

To my Master i say Sir, thank you for your understanding of these times.. i am sorry if i am saying and doing things that are way out of character and that i will sort it soon, i promise.

To my friends who are seeing a different cleo right now.. i apologise profoundly.. i will get this sorted and be back to my normal self ASAP.. i hope. Until i do, please just ignore the rantings of a menopausal female who is slowly going off her head.

Confusion continued...

i don't really think i ended the last blog with what was really on my mind, i just walked away from it late last night so i had better rectify that now.
i think my main difficulty at present is what is happening to me, something i have no control over and is likely to get worse before it gets better... that of the time of life that i am either going through now or that is coming on thick and fast.

We all know about the effects of the menopause, we have all read the literature... nothing however really prepares us for what actually happens to us... as a person. Oh and me, being the sort of person i am had said to myself as the time approached that this thing was not going to beat me, that i would cope with it the way i have coped with what life throw at the female.. all my life. i was so damn sure that child birth, before, during and after would have little effect and it didn't, that 30 something, 40 something and 50 something was not going to dominate my life, that woman of all ages had had to go through this stage and they coped so why cant i and that i was damn sure that i would not need and would refuse with ever ounce of my being to use HRT or any such stuff, that i would cope naturally.... and so far..i have.
However...some of the effects are so damn difficult.... we hear of hot flushes, but never in my dreams could i imagine the feeling of cooking from the inner out... the inner heat that rushes over you, any time, any place, any where, night and day..that feels like someone opened a furnace under you.... the swelling of fingers that make it almost impossible to clench your hand, the tiredness that never seems to go away... month after month. just some of what i am going through right now.. and to cap it all.. the what seems like constant.. headache, pounding, never going away, the restless sleep from which you wake each morning feeling like you haven't slept at all having been broken by countless awakening due to the heat coming from your body.... ahhhhhhhh

All these things on top of the constant self doubt i have about who i am and where i am going is making me into one miserable being at present and try as i might to shield people from that... taking it all within myself, sometimes it bursts out all over the place and those nearest and dearest to me take the brunt of it. i don't mean for that to happen, i do my best not to allow the effects to have any bearing on my family and even more so on MG.. He really doesn't need all that crap on top of all the other stuff he is constantly coping with and because of this and because i am not sure how much longer i am prepared to allow this change to have such a profound effect on me... i am, for the first time, thinking.. and i say thinking because that is as far as i have got as yet... that maybe its about time i saw someone about all this and took the artificial help to get me over this period in my life. That decision i haven't made yet....

Me... make a decision...you ask...well.. MG and i have talked about this a lot already and he knows of my aversion to putting stuff into my body that god hadn't intended to be there and he will not force or order me to do what goes against my beliefs so he has left this decision to me for the time being which i thank him for.
If the time comes when i am ready to accept defeat and go so the doc it will be because i am ready to, not because i have been told too.

Along with all the physical effect this is having on me there are a few emotional ones as well, the mood swings etc that i am trying really hard to cope with these last few days. Right now i feel fat and frumpy, i berate myself over and over again about why MG would want to put up with this, why should he want me with all these problems i am facing right now. If he backs away from me for fear of getting his head bitten off i think its because he doesn't want to be close...when he gets close.. i don't want that and we go round and round in circles.... and you wonder why i am confused...!!!

Confusion

You may well ask why i have titled this entry as i have. i know for sure MG will but if i may explain my thinking here a bit.

Of course i am confused, that's nothing new, it is my way, to have some sort of confusion within my life, so what makes today any different. If i didn't have something to confuse me, something to ponder on, to twist and turn around in my head i swear i would just be vegetating and that would never do. Thinking, pondering, working my way around or out of a situation, finding an answer, trying this way and that way to come up with, what i think is the best result for even some of the most mundane daily life bits and pieces.... it keeps my brain active and my thoughts charged. Sitting in front of the square box (television) has never satisfied my imagination or increased my intellect to any degree worth mentioning, soaps have not ever held a fascination for me, dramas, maybe, documentaries also, tho not night after night, over and over..but, thoughts, ideas, puzzles, riddles, those keep me on the ball.
So..todays topic of confusion is...apart from the trouble of kitting out my 10 year old daughter in clothing of the 1940's era for a school project ( what does her teacher think i am..to be able to find anywhere this sort of stuff in 2005) i digress....

Who am i, i guess is my favourite confusion topic and once again i suppose i am posing the same question for myself but today i do have a reason. i was watching (out of the corner of my eye while kids had TV on) an American court program, the ones with the Lady Judges making life decisions regarding other peoples lives. Divorce Court i think it was called. The case in question was that of a 30 something female wishing to end her 9 year marriage to a 64 year old man because...she said, she had fallen out of love with him and that his habits that at one stage of their relationship, didn't bother her, now did, the way he ate his food, the way he drove the car, silly mundane life things..but now they grated on her to the point of distraction. Love had at an earlier time covered up the irritations for her, now that no longer existed she could only see the annoyance in them. But surely, as we all grow these things that could be considered annoying become a part of ones life and as such we all take the rough with the smooth on a daily basis. We don't walk away because something isn't just quite right, what we should do is to try and either make that problem better or except that it is a part of who we are and as such.if it were to be changed, we would see a different person anyway

It is easy to become complacent, to sit back and allow it just to flow, someone said to me recently that he thought that at my time of life (nearly, very nearly 50) that it was sort of expected that i should have gained weight and got cuddly and content and that having found my man and happiness it wasn't uncommon for this to have occurred. ( i sort of resented that as i felt the implication was that we females give up trying after we have got our man, but the man is of little significant and i wasn't about to argue with him..my attitude to his remarks were "Whatever") but it is a fact, well documented that mid life (nice term) and the sleek body and the fine skin do tend to get lost in all the other things that have to be sorted. My eldest daughter also feels that i am more "mummmsee" now than i was, i guess that means soft and cuddly and that's ok between me and her as mother and daughter (use to really get her goat that i had a slimmer figure than she did) but my point here is.. is it ok for me, as slave to MG to become "comfortable", to maybe allow myself to let go a bit and relax into our relationship as a normal couple living our lives together.
Does being a slave mean that i have to constantly be on my guard that i do not allow that to happen, that i am in constant fear of an extra pound or too, that if in gaining that weight, i might incur the wrath of my Master... or am i allowed to be a little like any other female of my age and allow nature to do, what nature will do..?
Should i worry endlessly that i might be letting my master down, that i am not trying to be the best i can be for him ?
As i say..thoughts that provoke and stimulate me on a mental level, and heck..confuse me along the way

Imperfections

i have vision, or i am told i have. i have the ability to achieved what i am trying to do because if i didn't i would be the first to not even try, that's something i know about me, if there isn't any hope of success, i wont even try because that to me is setting myself up for failure and failure is one huge great big down trip, so its obvious that i wont even go there to begin with. Logical i think.
So, when i fail, (which is what i have been doing most of the last few days) i expect myself to slip slowly ever downwards into some pit of deep dark black goo, strangely enough tho, i haven't. (maybe i am learning) so why haven't i ?

• maybe i am not really that bothered about what i was trying to achieve in the long run..
• maybe i really wasn't putting all i could into the task in the first place..?
• maybe i have just been killing time all along..?
• maybe i have picked a task that is really beyond me at this time ?

Gawd knows why i should ever think that i can be perfect at everything i do or at least try to do. i haven't got a hope in hell really , yet does it stop me trying, does it heck. Its got to be right or its for the bin and it seems that most of my efforts the last week have ended up right there, in the bin.
Dont get me wrong tho.... perfections is what i strive for in all aspects of my life knowing full well that as a member of the human race the odds of achieving that are about as long as winning the lottery. Yet we do the lottery every week without fail. So i guess that explains why i continue to try and try again, maybe in the hope that with the continued effort an end result, altho not perfect might be "good enough"

I guess i cannot expect perfection of myself really but as far as it goes, i have to do my very best, be that within my relationship with MG , as his slave, as a mother to my children, as a partner, lover, carer etc, as just me... i have always wanted, even expected of myself, the best i can give, half hearted, its doesn't matter attitude doesn't work so the "maybe i wasn't putting in all i could" line doesn't work at all because i am definitely an "All or Nothing" kind of person.
But damn it, failure sits ill with me, makes me so damn cross with myself when i cannot do something to the standard i think i should be able too.

It isn't about what others think i am capable of... altho of course their opinion might help me on my way, encouragement is always valid and is a great asset, but i have to know within myself that i can do something, that i can make the grade, meet the target, achieve an end result, so it is an obvious outcome that when i don't i am going down and for me, usually quickly and without stopping on the way.

Self esteem is a very vulnerable thing and mine is easily shaken so when failure does occur, that self image is the one that take the knocks. Guilt at failing, beating myself up over something which really, if i had any control over i wouldn't have failed at in the first place and yet..

Here's an added thought.. if i don't fail, how will i ever learn because being good at everything allows no room for improvement. What would there be to improve on if perfection was reached every time.

AS slave to MG, my task is to always be as best as i can be, improving on the skills that are not as sharp as some others, growing within myself, learning new things and to do that there will have to be failure or at least a job not so well done so that i may learn from that and find ways to make it better the next time.

And all that is well and good but my problem seems to be that "The next time" has to be the minute i have failed and so... off i go again attempt the almost impossible... but..

i will achieve, i will do what it is i am trying to achieve.... a day, a week, however long it takes, i shall acquire the skills needed to improve so that i will not fail.