Creature of Habit

It would seem that the harder i try, the bigger a hole i seem to be digging for myself on this one folks. i can see what it is that perplex' s me, but try as i might i cannot make others quite understand what it is that is eating away at me.
i have tried and the few people that i trust enough to talk too, do have some idea of where i am coming from but not the whole. i think i am making MG exasperated on this as he has tried and tried to tell me that my submission is... it just is and no amount of my thinking too hard about it or diggin way too deep is going to alter that..i am His slave and will remain so whether i challenge that, whether i physically submit to Him 24 hours a day or only for 5 minutes during a spanking etc because it does not have to be always visual, always up front, because as we have so often said, it is a mindset.. and yes, i agree, but there is still this niggle in me at present that keeps asking me why i do this, why i submit, why i feel so lost at times and yet at others, totally fulfilled in my submission to MG.
i cannot help the way i feel, i can of course put it to the back of my mind and have done until something pushes a button and something comes to mind that makes me ask questions again...but is questioning so bad anyway, if we just go through life without asking questions or seeking answers, we might just as well sit in a chair and give up and i am not one to do that..i like to know and i like to know where i am going, what my direction is... maybe that's the problem, i don't know what the direction is right now, where i am heading... if i could find that then perhaps it would fall into place again..

i am a creature of habit, i admit it, i like to know what's coming next and when ( a point MG works hard to sometimes hold me back on, the attitude i have of always wanting to know where we are going today, what his plans for me might be, he enjoys making me wait when i just HAVE to know)... maybe so i can make plans, i am not sure but i do like to know.
Set me a task, give me something that i can get my teeth into, demand of me, anything and i am happy, i have a focus, a meaning, a point to the next hour/day etc... leave me to my own devices and i loose myself. Of course i can find things to do, find ways to entertain myself which have some value, a job that needs doing, anything that demands of me and my time is good for me as it gives me that focus, that reason for getting up in the morning.
As mum to my kids i have many things that are required of me, as slave to MG i also have His needs to see to and i freely and willingly perform those tasks for each of them, with pleasure i do what is needed to see that they are all well served in what they need and i would never not do that. But here we go again, i feel i need more, something more that gives me a focus, particularly within my submission.
Then i have this big error come up again...how can i be sub/slave if i make these demands ... should a sub make demands?
Needs, yes i have needs and wants and MG does his level best to satisfy those needs but like a spoilt child i always want more and when i don't get more of course i pout big time... so maybe that's what this is all about... a major pouting session ? Am i throwing my dummy out of the pram here.. (asking the question of myself)..that's what i do..i ask, i challenge until i find the answer to the questions i pose for myself...people may offer me a guiding light and i may see a little clearer but at the end of the day, i have to be happy with the answer or it will not satisfy the curiosity that i have.

Always learning, always moving forward..... With knowledge, we grow