Self Esteem

i seem to be having an inner quarrel with myself right now. i don't really like who i am and because of this, i seem to be beating myself up over all sorts of things in my life. i am so very aware of this feeling as it seems to be traveling thought all aspects of my daily life and i have to admit, its winning... and however much i try to get myself out of the pit of despair i feel i am in, nothing seems to work. Yesterday i ended up in floods of tears for no apparent reason really and when MG asked what was wrong with me as i don't seem to be myself, i have to say that i can only put my distress down to this low self image i have of myself at present.
Anyway, having faced the problem head on, talked to MG about how i am feeling, my doubts about my submission, my dislike of my outward physical appearance and a few other bits and pieces that seem to be looming so large right now, i have made a self decision.

Its time to pick myself up,dust myself off and start afresh... meaning... an outward smartening up as i feel very slobby and tatty right now, ( new clothes needed), a trimming off of some of the additional weight that i have gained over the last year as this also seems to be getting me down even tho i am told again and again that it isn't a big problem and that i don't look "fat" ( i still feel fat tho) a general toning up of those muscles that i have let slip into flabbydom as well (silly because i was so well toned and fit a couple of years ago and felt good about myself)
You may say that the outward me isn't that important and that its what's on the inside that makes me who i am and i would usually agree with you but i have this notion that if i feel good about the outside, the inside will follow along... thats my plan anyway.. and with an inner good feeling as well as an outer one, i am hoping that all the other aspects will fall back into place.

MG for his part has added a few more little M/s bits to our daily life and those i hope will allow the submissive in me to come out again as i have also had the feeling that maybe i was just going through the motions of being slave, he tells me that isn't so and i have to go along with his way of thinking and as i say, hope that with the added rituals/tasks etc, i can find the depth that i had a little while ago.

All sorts of things have got in the way of the M/s of late, we are both aware of that and both realise that it is no fault of ours but rather the outside influences of work and time, tiredness and all the nilla aspects that really have to take a front seat just so we can get through a week without both of us collapsing into heaps of doom and gloom.
Things have changed tho, with the 4 on 4 off shift pattern which we have both wanted for a while, finally coming into being, we are hoping that this will give us more time together both nilla and M/s, less tired and more able to focus on ourselves and who we are at the core.

Time will tell, it can only get better....