Upper hand cont.

i am going to try really hard to explain my thinking here because i dont think i have made my thoughts very clear about how i see this. Of course, it is only my thinking and as such i dont expect others to agree or disagree but i would like the chance to try and explain.

i have read, as i am sure other have also about the need for equality within the lifestyle, that both Dominants and submissives, in their own way are equal to one another, that the sub, in giving her submission might even have some "power" within the relationship. That as intellegent beings we all have something to bring to the table on many different subjects.
However, i am thinking here along the lines of being subservient to MG and as such, how can i possibly be his equal within our M/s.
Sure, of course, within the "nilla" realm of the time we spend together, with regard to the upbringing of the children, even during those times when we are relaxed and not into any major M/s depth, equality might be possible and i can stand tall and beside him but...

Even during these times, i find, deep inside, a need to be beneath him, to be over shadowed by him, to be submissive in ever aspect.
Dont get me wrong here, if i was playing a game (any game) with anyone else, i would be driven to win as it is in our nature to do so, but with MG, even though the desire to win is still there, i feel guilty, disrespectful even to be in the upper hand position. It isnt a pleasent feeling sometimes and i have tried to fight it but i always come right back to ..He is Master, i am slave and as such, it is not my position to be in a situation of beating him...at anything.
i have to say here, that MG does not agree with this thinking i have, in fact, encourages me to play to win (against my inner self telling me to lose) and there are times when the joy in winning takes hold of me, but once again, i come back to the same stance that says, you are slave and it is not your place to be in the upper hand position.
Game of 8 ball, or the game of life.... as slave i come after MG, not before.

Sorry to waffle, but this is eating away at me right now and i need to try and clarify it in my mind, if nothing else.