i have looked in a mirror so many times and not seen the real me, so many times, all i see is the outward reflection of the body that holds the inner me.
Once a good friend said to me, look at the whole you cleo, look deep, deeper than the outward trappings, look at who you really are but be prepared because you may not like all of what you find... and how right she was. i found a selfish, demanding, woman who had more needs that she had ever imagined. A person who had for a good part of her life just gone through the motions of day to day life never really knowing what she wanted from it, or what she needed. It was easy to do that, not to rock the boat, to just accept the inevitable and carry on.
But with finding the lifestyle i know and love, that all changed, i found a place for the real me, the submissive yet demanding me, the person who had a desire to feel that someone else had the ultimate control over all and every action she took. i grew, reveled in the confinement that my relationship gave me, i needed that control, that guiding hand.... oh that's not to say i wouldn't or couldn't have managed by myself, for i had been doing that all my life, but this was different, this was a new experience, to give to another my very soul, along with my mind and my body, to do with as they pleased, and in MG i found the Master who would not abuse that and who would take me to the very edge of this awesome lifestyle and who could keep me there within his grasp.
This is not about kinky sex, as much fun as that is. It's about surrender and submission. It makes me happy to let go, to let another have all the power and make all the decisions. There's a curious freedom that comes from knowing you have no alternatives, no choices, and can only react as your own true self to the situation you find yourself in. It's part of the attraction which to some might appear so foolish when viewed from outside but gives me such joy. It shows me who i am: This is the highest, noblest endeavor that any human being can undertake: to know themselves.
i know who i am now, it isn't always easy tho, to maintain that, life has a habit of trying real damn hard to take away from you, what you have found and it is sometimes a struggle to just maintain the status quo. But it is an effort well worth making and i for one would not change it or give it up for anything.
There are times when the outside influences just become to powerful and we have to give a little of ourselves back to being "normal" but as long as we can come full circle back to the Master/slave relationship that is integral to who we are, that's fine.
Nothing is 24/7, its impossible for it to be that way, nilla life is bigger than M/s and we as an M/s couple accept that and do what is needed and required of us both to see that the nilla side of things is maintained as well as the M/s side. Sometimes the nilla aspect takes precedence and again, that's fine with us, but we must see to it that the M/s side is also maintained, even if that means in a lesser form or that its sits happily on the sideline, as long as its function quietly in the background, the thread is there and can be pulled at any time and it can spark back into life.
All i really need, having seen my true reflection now, is my Master, my submission to him and my kids.....with that, i am as complete as i could ever wish to be.
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