Monday, July 25, 2005


It could be said that to ask questions is the way to learn, that to ask and find out what it is you need to know is likely to assist you in only a good way, however, i have found that there are also times, NOT to ask questions.
i have also found that rather more often than not, i ask at the wrong time or the wrong subject.

When i say questions, what i mean is i query, i question, i have to know and sometimes it would be better for me to just accept that something is, or that something will be rather than dig and dig and try to reason out or justify whatever it is.

It would seem that i am never happy with just accepting that something will be if MG has said it will be, i always have to ask Why ? or when/where/how/ etc etc... never is it enough for me to just be told and take it that MG has said so therefore it is.... bad trait in a slave that's for sure.

Silly thing is, i know i am doing it, i can even say before MG does, when he checks me on this.. He is about to say "don't question it slave" and before He can say it i say " i know Sir, don't question"

Something i am aware off that needs some attention on my part. A trait that isn't good and that with MGs help i can work on to minimise.

Of course, within life to question is a good thing, if we didn't question we would be somewhat a doormat and i don't think i am one of those but when it comes to a direction from MG, i really feel that i shouldn't question what he says even if it is because i want to know why i am being asked to do so and so. i have to find some other way to ask rather than come straight out and ask Why ...!!!!

"Why" sounds like a challenge to me and far be it for me to challenge MGs authority... after all, in my submission isn't that what i have given to him, the ability to have that authority over me. ? Isnt that what i gave over when i accepted his collar and his Dominance, to do as he wished me to do without question.

Damn, answering my own questions again...!!!

Friday, July 22, 2005

Floggers and Canes

A quicky blog this evening i think, for a couple of reasons... one i haven't really got that much going on in my head D/s wise, too many nilla things running around in there, my lil one unwell, the London thing and MG having to go to work up there as well. Oh all sorts of mundane things happening that are really of no interest to anyone else but yet have some significant bearing on us. All put together to make up a bit of a reason to feeling tense and uptight.

And here we are again, the weekend comes around and its one that MG isn't at work for, in fact, the last one he wont be at work for, for about 5 weeks so its make the most of it time. Haven't been up to much of anything lately as there always seems to be something to get in the way, last weekend i had the most stinking cold, weekend before MG had it.... if its not one thing, its another that stops us from making the most of the special times we get together. But this weekend, i have my fingers crossed that nothing will get in the way and we might just get some ropes out and give the floggers and canes an outing.

Its so easy to just let it pass and before you know it, its been a month since you played at some heavy BDSM... hey if that's how it works out, so be it but from my point of view, i get soft..literally, the skin softens up and i cannot take anywhere near the amount of caning or flogging as i can when i have been use to the feel created over a couple of weeks/months at regular intervals. So its back to square one and a matter of building up the resistance. Lots of awwwwwwwwwwww's and ouchie i think

Best get on, tomorrow is another day and the first of MGs days off, have to be alert

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Confusion yet again

i dream, i desire so many things from within our M/s, i know that i have a need, it can almost be called an urge, to feel his dominance, his power, his control. i know i want this, i know i need it and yet, when it is there, it hurts, its almost to painful to bear sometimes and yet, it is who we are, it is what we do, it is what we have both said over and over again, what we give to one another.

So why, when it is there, do i struggle with it so.

oh sure, i can write about all the ideas of the slave struggling with her submission, sure, i am struggling, sure i get pissed off when i have given 99.9% and it's still not enough, but then there is this spark in me that says……...sheeeshhh woman, of course it isn't, you have to give the other 0.01%, only when you have given that can you say you have given it everything you have and only then will your Master be happy with what you have done, so stop the moaning, you gave yourself, totally, even down to the 0.01% when you accepted his collar and became his slave, no half measures here.

Oh but i struggle.

i struggle with the not having, i moan about not feeling my Masters hand, mentally or physically, when the outside influences get in the way for weeks on end, and then i go and moan when in a few short seconds, in a few words, my Master can literally bring me to my knees. Failure, that awful awful word, turns me into a broken mess and try as i might to ignore that, try as i might to deny the notion that a sub/slave punishes herself far far more than her Master ever can... its right, i do, i did.

i feel bereft, i feel a failure. Its not MGs intention to do that i am sure, it isn't what we are about, it isn't his doing, its all mine, i make myself feel this way, i am the one feeling like this but why, isn’t what happens what we are about, isn’t it right that if i miss something, if i do not do what is expected of me that my Master should, quite rightly, point that out to me , isn’t it right that i should be corrected and be pleased that he has noticed and that he has taken the time to say something......gawd, we both know that had i not been corrected i would.. or could have found a reason to moan about that, that i wasn’t feeling his dominance, that he was playing softly softly with me, in fact, i had said much the same not a few days ago, groaned probably about it, that he was far far to soft and allowed me to get away with far to much, which i bet he agreed with because he does.... and yet

my Master speaks a few harsh words, tells me i have erred and i am a crumbling mess..!!!!

i am not looking for answers here, i just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for listening

Monday, July 04, 2005


When she speaks with respect, He knows pride;
When she kneels with pride, He knows respect;
When she stands before Him with dignity, placing her being in His charge, He knows responsibility;
When her eyes light up as she says "yes Master"' He knows love..