Sunday, October 31, 2004
What is the answer? If only i knew, i would be the first to take the remedy for whatever it is that ails me. But i don't know and so i continue each day attempting to hold my own and get done what is needed to see that life carries on as near as normal as it can. i still have two children that require an enormous amount of time and resources and i shall not fail to provide what they need. i also have my Master, who needs me to do the things for him that make his life as easy as possible, after all, i am not the one that goes out to work 15 hours a day 5 days out of 8, he has needs that i must also see are catered for and again, i shall continue to do my very best to see that those are sorted. Now i could add here, that these things that are required of me come before any need i might have, that has been the way with me for as long as i can remember, those important to me come first and i shall deal with their needs before ever considering my own.
That statement is also causing some problems within our M/s relationship as to me a slave, it is a natural way of things that everyone else's needs come before mine yet MG feels that i should put my needs before others, at least on occasions and i cannot say that at present he is wrong and yet, i find that a very difficult thing to do, alien even, it isn't who i am, it has never been that way for me. My needs come last, once everyone else is sorted and only then, if there is room to accommodate any of the things that might make life a little easier for me.
Sure, i am struggling at present with all sorts of outside influences, as is our whole family but even with all that crap to deal with, life is sweet with MG and the kids and nothing, nothing is going to break the bond we have, nothing will damage or dent our relationship because at the end of it all, love, for my Master and my kids, makes it all worth while.
Friday, October 29, 2004
Well, we tried on my PC for most of last night and into the early hours and no amount of cussing or kicking would make it work, after finally getting to bed at 4.30am, we were up again at 8.00 and at the PC shop by just after 9am to buy a new hard drive , home again to install and load Windows and that about took up what was left of MGs three days off..
Once again, we are beaten by circumstances... It just wasn't going to be our weekend.. still we did get some quality time together which is the main thing and for that i am grateful.. just to spend a few days with MG is to be honest a rare treat these days and one that i look forward to each week and sometimes, just being together is enough, albeit that we are up to our necks in PC parts, screwdrivers and hard disc as opposed to crops and cuff, blindfold and gags
Such is life, still, a pair of matchsticks would do me fine right about now, so for once, a short entry and then bed for this slave as her Master is once more, 75 miles away at work...grrrrrrrr
The circle begins again...
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Once again, i have no intention of going into graphic details of exactly what or how, suffice to say that for an hour or two MG pounded my butt with one thing or another, and i can tell you it hurt, i ended up in floods of tears, not only because of the pain inflicted, but as previously stated, because MG felt he had a need to discipline me in the first place, the concept that a slave punishes herself more than anything her Master can do to her, is very true in my case, i beat myself up so much if i disappoint MG so to add the act of disciplining me, on top of that , made for a very intense evening all round.
The whole incident seems to be the focal point of our time and instead of moving on to other more enjoyable activities, we both felt that the discipline had to be a separate issue and that it would be better to allow that to take the major part of our M/s for the day so therefore nothing sensual or erotic happened to detract from the original intent of MG's actions. We had an early night, cuddled up in bed and tried to sleep... however, that didn't happen, neither of us had a good night and come this morning my Master is not feeling his normal self.
i have watched him today, very low, very tired and somewhat subdued, then a short while ago he makes a very valid point... is it possible for a Dom to drop after such an intense evening as we had the previous night.
The idea of a sub dropping is not a new one, after an intense session, the brain is flooded with thoughts and endorphines and the come down tends to cause a reaction of emotional turmoil and the feeling of being physically and mentally drained. The occasions i have suffered from subdrop, i am usually weepy and emotional and no amount of comfort or Master holding me or telling me its ok, makes a lot of difference, i really just need time to get myself together.
So.... here we are today with one very down Master... so maybe.. he too has drop, and this is his way of coping with what "He" went through last night. After all, ok, i am the one on the receiving end of the discipline, but he in his turn has to steel himself to do what he does, in the best interest of his slave... it cannot be easy for him to push himself into creating the right amount of pain, the correct attitude in his head, the mental preparation that must be needed to inflict that on the one you love, to ignore the tears and continue because you know it is the right thing to do and that to stop would be a waste of all the effort already put in and would not achieve the desired result if you did, so would be wasted.
Its all too easy for the slave and everyone else, come to that, to forget the Dominant is human too and has feelings and if, like MG, he has love for his slave, really and truly, to hurt her in that way, goes against all the things that nature tells us, not to hit a woman, not to cause pain to the one you love etc... and yet, within our M/s that is sometimes needed or the whole relationship becomes a farce and there is no point... if MG is to dominate and control, there are going to be times when things i do, go against his way of thinking and he will need to put that right but in doing so, he causes a conflict within himself by the very act he is having to perform.
Today, he obviously is suffering from the effect of last night, maybe more than i am, (a sore butt isn't so bad) and all i can do is be with him until he comes to terms with his inner demons and of course, as always, reassure him that anything he does, will not make me love him any the less.
He is Master, i have given him the gift of my submission and in doing so, i agree to whatever he feels is needed to make me the slave he wishes me to be. What he in his turn will have to do, each time this kind of thing occurs, is to steel himself to perform his duty as my Master to the best if His ability thereby using the control i give to him.
We are a partnership, two way street, i try to give of my best to MG, he tried to give of his best to me, we do what we do, for one another and in doing that, sometimes, we take more out of ourselves than we realise.
But, Master and slave, we travel the road together, sometimes it is easy going, others not so but we would be failing each other if we did not perform what we know the other needs, albeit sometimes harsh and sometimes at a cost to ourselves.
i thank MG for what he put into last night even thought it hurt like hell and sitting down is not that comfortable today, we had talked about it a fair bit beforehand and we both agreed that it was what was needed and to that end, the act was administered and now we can move on with a resolve that our M/s is secure in his capable hands.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
So, what was today's chat about, well it began with a simple question regarding a certain "girl band" appearing on the television and how they managed to keep their nipples so erect and went on from there to the more aesthetic value of the "pinch" technique to make the little devils stand up and get a girl noticed, and then to nipple clamps much used and highly prized by many a Dominant, if not his sub/slave ( i love them so i'll say no more about that) and finally, to the pages of the highly priced but so lovely Erotic Jewellery Makers.
As a general remark i have to say that many many subs have body piercings, tattoos etc, i myself have both, either as body art or as a mark of the Master, which i also carry on my person at MGs request, there is also the harder option of branding but that is something that would in my opinion have to be taken very seriously and with a lot of thought even before the event actually took place. (not for me)
Anyway.. back the the jewellery ... it concerned mainly, nipple shields and at this subject i direct my eyes and attention towards my chat screen as i do so have a desire for a set of these beautifully hand crafted items.
Why you may ask, what for, who see's them.. !!
Well MG would and for me., that's the main person who i am concerned about, you see MG has a passion for nipples, he seems to be inexorably drawn towards them, for one purpose or another, either to gain pleasure for himself or to cause me some form of pleasure or usually pain (am i complaining, not on your life, as i have already stated that pain and i go together like a pair of gloves, in fact, it goes beyond that, i need pain now, it tranfixes me firmly into my slave role whenever it is administered, no matter how, when or where, with the exception of punishment which is a whole different ball game and may be written about in a different entry.
Going without any form of underwear is also highly used within the lifestyle, as a form of the Dominant's control as well as the idea that it leaves the sub open to her Master at all times, some find this practice very erotic and others find it an inconvenience or just plain impractical but whichever it is, the idea of nipple shields for me is one that i very much desire to try out for both MG's pleasure and i have to admit, my own.
i am not one to go flashing myself about in public, but if it is MGs pleasure that i go braless and wear this sort of body jewellery then i would happily comply to that and be proud that he felt i was able to carry that off in the public arena. It isn't about flashing or any "in your face" attitude, its about the Masters pleasure and the slave submitting to that in some form or another and if the slave gets something out of it as well.... that's great.
i am promised that i shall soon own a pair of those beautiful shields and when i do, i shall wear them with pride and pleasure, for my Master.
Skin deep, of course its what's inside a person that counts really but we can all make the best of what we have and if it please our One to do so, that's an added advantage.
There have been times in my life when unbeknownst to me (until it was pointed out by MG ) i have been in the circle of always coming last or putting myself last should i say, no one put me there, it was of my own doing. i had always had others to consider before me and have happily done so without a thought or to question the reasons why, maybe this is a sub trait, but before i found D/s i never really thought about it..i just did it. Then i found D/s and it suited who i was, the need to serve other, the putting of myself in a submissive position where i could happily continue with what was, me just being me. So why now, all of a sudden am i not thinking of others, doing what comes naturally to me.. that's what confuses me about this whole situation... instead of getting on with things, knowing i should be doing such and such and yet.. not doing it.. not doing what is required of me, sometimes not even listening, drifting along without a thought in my head... sawdust, they used to call it when i was at school (many moons ago)
MG says i need to refocus and maybe he is right and we have plans these next few days to take some time to look into that and hopefully that will help but right now i feel lost in all this and confused at myself because this isn't the me i know and that pains me no end.
Of course, i could make all sorts of excuses for myself, tired, the pain i have with my shoulder, normal nilla daily life struggles and worries, but they are always there and have never affected me like this before so what's changed to bring on this situation i now find myself in. If only i knew.!!!!
There is never perfection and i am far from it even if there was, but the confusion i am experiencing at present is just compounding the little faults i have and making me see them as huge mountains that i haven't got a hope in hell of ever managing to climb but.. and here's the but... i will continue to try, to the very best of my ability to conquer and over come the failings that seem to have reared their ugly head of late.
slave..Oh yes, always, nothing will change that, a better slave..Well, i can but try and continue to try. i don't give up that easily.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
The simpe fact is that MG said "Dont do any more of that", very clear, very precise and for a very good reason, and for whatever reasons i dont know that never actually sunk in but that does not take away from the fact that He asked me not to do something .. for my own good and then ..i didnt do what he said... that in its simplest form is what happened... bottom line, i disobeyed him, for whatever reason, that makes me, his slave, in the wrong and as such i am rightly punished for that wrong. So i learn and continue to do so and in that i hope i am a better slave for the lesson learnt.
The condition with my arm (frozen shoulder ) is compounded, we have come to believe by excessive use of the mouse on my PC, the more i use it the more painful my shoulder becomes, not typing, but precision work with the mouse. Therefore, i am told by MG that i should restrict the mouse usage to a point that does not cause me any unnecessary pain or discomfort.. logical you might say and i would tend to agree with you, after all i am the one who has to suffer this and therefore you would think that i wouldn't do anything that makes it worse.
i have had a couple of relatively pain free days this week, nothing that i cant handle, the odd twinge here and there, but all in all, the shoulder had settled to a dull ache and so, silly me, goes off into my designer mode and i am deep into web designing and graphics, very mouse intense stuff, close work and controlled actions. This you might say (and i would have to agree) is rather silly to say the least but hey, life as i have already said in another blog, is full of bad habits and i am not excluded from enjoying my pleasures, graphics being one of them... i can spend hours working on just one set, and get a great deal of satisfaction from the finished article (view my websets if you would like to see what it is i work on)
Anyway..to the current situation... today i made a webset and gained much pleasure from doing so, enjoying as i always do the creativity that this kind of activity affords me, as always, i showed MG my work, which he was very pleased with and praises me on. He then quite categorically states, "No more today slave, you have done enough".. i hear what he says and i have no intention of going against his wishes which are of course, in my best interest anyway to give my shoulder a much needed rest.... and then, his words go right out of my head, not another thought is given to them. Life goes on, Master goes off to work and i am left to deal with home and kids and normally daily life resumes.
This is where it all goes wrong folks and my admission here is that, the words of my Master got lost. Not just his words either, but a command, instruction even, that i was to do no more. Those words never came back into my mind, they were not given another thought...That's a hard admission to make and one that MG will no doubt find odd when he reads this as i haven't even told him that yet. Think about this good people... in our lives, we have pleasures that we enjoy and usually, no one will be in a position to tell you that you cannot take those pleasures as and when you wish too... i am just like anyone else and would in the past, do what i wanted to do, when i wanted to do it and if necessary, suffer the consequences of my own actions, whatever they may be. And that's just what i did today... i did some more work, i continued with my designing even after my Master had quite clearly instructed me not too. Without a second thought to his instruction, it wasn't disobeying in the full sense of the word because the command never re-entered my head until....... MG came online from work and i was about to say... "i have made another set Sir"... then it hit me and instead of saying that.. i had to admit that i had gone against his wishes and had done exactly what he had told me not to do.
The disappointment in me that he showed was obvious, that i could so outrageously go totally against his wishes and blatantly disobey him is not something that he expects of me and not something that i would normally expect of myself and i have no excuse other than the one already given which is that his order wasn't disobeyed as it wasn't even registered in my brain.... yes of course i heard it and acknowledged it at the time it was given, but that's as far as it got. However, that in itself is no excuse really. Or is it. How can i follow an order if the order itself isn't embedded in my brain.
That aside, the disappointment MG has is expressed and without a valid excuse for my actions, which tantamount to flagrant disobedience, i am duly reprimanded and instructed to write this episode up as a blog for all to see in the hope that other might learn from my mistakes. But, having thought hard about this whole thing, i am not sure if this is D/s or M/s or just human nature and if it is the latter, what can be learn from this, other than maybe, to listen and take in what is said to one.
i have no excuses to make as to why i continued to work, because at the time, the instruction not too wasn't even a consideration, it never came into the reckoning.... that's the main fault here as i see it, that it didn't, that i had not taken on board MG words, when i should have, not that i did more work.
This is M/s of course, the Master's word, instruction, command, that the slave, without questions adheres too, which is all well and good if the slave hears the words in the first place... for whatever reason, i didn't and they didn't have any bearing on my continuation until the moment when i was about to tell MG what i had been doing. Can i be at fault for that or was the wrong on my part merely that i hadn't really listened to and taken on board, what he had said in the first place.?
Have i learnt a lesson ? of course i have, to listen and hear, to not be distracted by other things when Master is talking to me, (easier said then done sometimes when all around you is busy busy, sort this, sort that.. no excuse really but its life as it is).. Will i do it again, of course not, as i am now convinced that i didn't do it in the first place.. i do not blatantly disobey my Master.. it is not what my submission is about..in fact, it pains me no end to think that i might have. But the more i think about this whole incident the more i am convinced that i cannot have disobeyed something that i did not have in my head at the time of the incident....the order to not continue was never there... it hadn't registered, how can i have disobeyed it if it wasn't there.?
Enough said...a lesson learnt of course, to focus or at least try to when all around is hustle and bustle, and for myself, to be more aware that if i am to at least have a few days of no pain, then i should restrict myself, i shouldn't have to depend on MG to do it for me.
Your comments will be gratefully received if you have any thoughts on this situation.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
It would seem that the idea of a sub saying "No"to a Dom is not acceptable under some rule that the Dom is always going to be right or that the sub, having admitted that submission is part of her makeup, hasn't got the wherewithal to say No to anything a Dom suggests or requested of her.
Well, not this sub, and certainly not the slave she has become, altho having said that, it would take a lot for me to even think about saying No to MG , there would have to be a very very good reason and i am sure that it wouldn't really come to the point of me having to say it because we would have discussed the matter at length in the first place.
But the main subject for today is the idea that within a D/s situation, there is a school of thought, mainly amongst the less well informed that the rights of the submissive are diminished by the very fact that she is a submissive and that as such, she has stamped on her forehead, "Doormat, walk all over me" and that some, again, lesser informed maybe, feel they have a right to treat her in manner more befitting of a piece of meat. Well, i have to say that the majority of subs i know are far from pieces of anything, most are intelligent, witty, imaginative females, many with careers that a lot of men would scream for, and who mostly are able to hold their own in the big wide world, the only thing that makes them sub to anyone, is their choice too. Having said that, the choice they make doesn't give anyone, Dom or otherwise the right to treat then with less manners or thought than they would if the person wasn't showing signs of being submissive so what is it that sends this signal to the Dominant population that gives then the idea that this is how the sub should be treated.
It has been suggested that the practice might come from just lack of basic D/s understanding on the part of the Dominants, that they have seen others treat subs this way and so it must be the right thing to do and far be it for them to change established protocols, but my understanding is that these "Doms" will not have a great deal of luck in finding a good submissive if they cannot firstly, understand that submissive does not mean treat me badly and secondly, that a good sub will be happy to offer her submission, but only to the one who treat her in the manner she deserves, that of a treasure possession, one to be care for, cherished and loved.
We, subs/slaves are no different to the next female, apart from an inner desire to please and to serve, why therefore should any man assume that just because we have these traits, that it give him carte blance to treat us in a manner unbefitting of any woman let alone one whom he may wish to have please him in all manner of ways.Two way street, give and take, respect given and taken... nothing in life is as simple as i want so i get. No lifestyle which i know about has that as an ethos.
Basic human nature, the lessons learnt as we all grow into decent human beings teaches us to have respect for our fellow man/woman and to treat each as we would wish to be treated ourselves. That doesn't exclude submissives, in fact, from the depth that a D/s relationship can take people, it is, in my humble opinion, far more important to have respect for your partner than not. The relationship will go a lot further with it than without.
If a dominant doesn't show due respect for the subs needs or her well being, He really doesn't care about the submissive at all and is only concerned for Himself and His own needs and as such really isn't what a Dom is all about, is he Dom or is he just out for his own gratification and if so, does he seriously think that by treating a sub with contempt or making her feel bad about herself that she is likely to fall to her knee before him and give him her world, well some might, but not any sub that is worth her salt and not one that i know.
Submissive does not mean stupid, does not mean treat me like an animal, or take away my basic human rights, what it does mean to those who have a serious intent to follow their inner desires, is a need to serve, to please their one, to give over all they have that is what makes them who they are, in doing so, they hope that with the right person, who has their well being at heart, they can grow within their submission, to become the best they can be. They can only do that with someone who will treat them well, have respect for their needs and desires and be there to aid and assist them on their journey. In doing that, in given the sub the environment of safety and security, she will, give over of herself far far more than she is ever likely to give to someone who say "On your knees bitch"
Friday, October 22, 2004
You may think that sound all mushy and sickly, but, trust me when i say that never where there two people who had so much love for one another that even to be apart for a few hours is painful beyond words. Young love you might think, but not so, three years we have been together, three lovely beautiful years in our D/s relationship and with each passing year we grow deeper and closer together, stronger within our roles and happier with what we have created for ourselves, forging new aspects together as we build on the firm foundation that comes only with trust and honesty, integrity, love and faith in each other.
Nothing will ever knock what we have, no amount of outside forces can damage or break the hold we have on our lives, our M/s will continue to grow and deepen until we reach the final goal, which for me is total power exchange, the ultimate in the D/s, M/s way of life..to give up totally to MG, my Master, ever aspect of my life, for him to have power and control over. Freely, willingly, i give it, i offer it to him, all we need is for him to be willing and ready to take that control... not something that will happen over night or next week, its a huge step, a vast concept for one man to take hold of, let alone grasp and hold on to, time is needed, much time and a lot of thought, care and attention to detail, but in the end, we will get to the place we wish to be, together, even if it takes us an eternity... Doesn't matter... the road we travel along isn't always easy, isn't always just as we would like it, but we are going no where off our charted course, we will arrive at our destination and when we do, we will have taken the time to make sure that everything is as it should be so that once we are there, life will be exactly as we wish it to be, for us. No one else has that much bearing on our intended destination, only we two, we have mapped it out, planned our course, have set the heading and as each day/week/month and year passes, we move closet to our ultimate heaven on earth. Together, as one, always.
i love this man, beyond words, beyond reasoning sometimes, that love causes me pain, because it is impossible to give as much as i wish too, to make his life sweet and absolute, but i try and will continue to try to the very best of my ability, love, Master/slave, D/s, who knows, what's in a name..all i know is, he is my world and i thank him for allowing me to be a part of his.
Master..i love you, thank you for returning that.
i am, Your slave, cleo xoxox
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Some i may be happy to sit in if my mood is high and airy, another i may found suits a more somber mood, but all, as i say, are of my own making and of my own choice. It has not always been that way, for a long period of time, i sat in one zone purely and simply because i couldn't be bothered to get myself up and out of it, many do the same, stay in what appears to be the best place only because they do not have the hummph or the wherewithal to make the change, to go and look for something better, A sad state of affairs but one that so many can see no way out of.
However, my reasons for this title tonight is one comfort zone that has been missing or lost to me for some time, that of the cozy warmth i have enjoyed in the seekers chatroom.
Now since this time last year when MSN decided to close the chat forum to those from the UK unless we paid a fee and then used the Canadian server, seekers has drifted to all manner of chat systems, settling for the longest time in one called voodoo, which served it relatively well for a good few months but had a few problems with interfaces and some people either couldn't get in or the system played havoc with their PC's. Chat as we had know it began to fade and wither and was slowly dying through lack of input. However, in a flash of inspiration from a friend who out of the blue pointed MG and i towards a system that was so far hardly known, we have found a haven in the dark recesses of chat that is so much like MSN that its unreal, we have opened seekers there in an instant, informed old friends of the new decor of the room and voila.. We have come home, after drifting in a bland wilderness for nearly a year.
But, what makes this comfort zone something more than just a cyber chatroom, you might ask, well its simple.... the people that come in to chat... to pass the time with good company, old friends and real friends at that, none of this, i am so and so but i cant or wont back that up with real life, face to face reality... no, i mean good real true friends, and only this evening, there i am, talking to people from one end of the country to another, hundreds of mile apart, add to that a few from the USA and Australia and the World Wide Web can be a great zone to be in. Oh of course we get the odd plonker or two but in the main, this new chat room has opened up again, a comfortable place to meet and chat with people that have been struggling for about a year to stay together, either within MSN messenger or by phone/text etc, and believe it or not, we have managed that, to keep a solid little band of long term friendships built up via the internet and chat rooms, together, until such times as we could find a home from home in which we could all, once again, happily sit , in comfort, peace and tranquility and just chat and relax, tell the odd joke, pull each other legs, support, guide, prop up, you name it... but just be there for each other...
i am not going to name names of these people who have created this zone for me, they know who they are, each one of them, holding some little place inside of me, for different reasons, some more so than others but still each one a special individual...and to each, for their comfort and support i wish to thank, for their loyalty and dedication to our dream of seekers and for their belief in what it is that MG and i have tried so hard to build and maintain over the last three years... A Special thank you to you all.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Having said that, i am way too sensitive today to take much of anything else, pain wise, so MG has been on the softly softly approach with me, for which i am grateful, im sure i would have ended up in a heap of tears and runny noses if he had not, but that doesn't allow for the fact that within our reality, i am still his slave and He is Master and as such there are things that i have to do and tasks that need to be completed and firstly i would not wish to be excused those unless they were really beyond my capabilities at present, (most are not) and secondly, He would not want to excuse me, that is way to easy too do, to find reasons not to remain within the set parameters of who and what we are and do. It is all too easy to let it slip, leave it for a day or so, get over whatever it is that is getting in the way and promise oneself that we will get back to it when things improve, we have tried that before and i have to say, from experience, it is more difficult to find the way back than it is to continue under whatever adversity is there at the time. i would rather take the time to do what needs to be done, complete it and have the satifaction of a job well done or a task completed than have to carry the weight of feeling like i had failed in some way or another just because i was excused due to some illness or in some pain, pain of a medical nature that isn't going to go away over night. i am stuck with this shoulder and the accompanying pain for maybe a year to 18 months...if each time it flares up, i am excused from my role as MG's slave, i might as will give it up here and now... and i am not about to do that for one minute, so best i just grin and bear it and work through it the best way i can.
That of course is not to say that if MG feels that it is all getting too much he wont take matters into his own hands (He has done that often enough before) and order me to bed or rest or whatever he feels is in my best interest, because there is no point in going over the top just to prove some dominant , macho image if it is to my long term detriment, again, that isn't something we do, not part of who we are or any real part of our Master/slave relationship... at the end of the day, we are a couple, just like any other couple and as such, neither of us are going to inflict harm on the other, just for the sake of D/s or M/s or anything else come to that.
Yes, we chose to live this lifestyle, yes we have defined roles within that but none will ever come before our love for one another, or our concern for the others well being. That is the first thing that has to be considered in all we do and we make provisions for as many eventualities as we can, but hey, i am going to get ill, or MG is or something will come up that has to be put before any kind of M/s stuff... priorities, we have to make them, i am just grateful that MG knows which ones come first sometimes and which ones can be put on hold.
In the best interest of..... either of us at any given time. Always..in the best interest of.....
Monday, October 18, 2004
Same can be said for my forays into the realms of computers and particularly web site/set designing.. i know what i want to do, but sometimes, not how to do it... will i read the tutorials... will i take the time to learn... will i heck... go for it... ahhhhhhhh there's that same thing again... go for it... and sod the consequences.... my worst fault by a long chalk... trouble is, i never learn, one would have thought that by now i would have got it into my thick skull that if i want to do something and do it well, which of course i do, then i would take the time to find out the best way to do it. Oh i get there in the end, manage to find my way around or even, shock horror, ask for help which is a new thing for me as at one time that would have been my very last port of call. Not so now, now MG guides me, makes me stand back and look at what i am doing (for which of course, in the long run, i have to thank him for). But as i say, you would have thought i would have learnt all this a long time ago.
Learning, that something we all have had to do through most of our lives, from schooling to social behaviour, driving, etc, life is a lesson and every day we are more than likely to learn something new, either about ourselves, our environment or some event that gives us information regarding the world around us, life is a learning curve. Without the ability to learn, we cannot grow, we cannot have an opinion, we cannot express a thought without knowledge which we have gained through learning.
i am learning, all the time, things that i should maybe have known a long time ago, about myself, i had to look hard to find the information, deep inside myself and i am not to proud of some of the things i found out about the real me... i have to say that if we are all honest with ourselves, there are a few hidden skeleton that we just don't like to admit are there, but if we look at ourselves deeply enough we can be more open and frank about our wants and needs with our respective partners, more so within a D/s, M/s relationship, where honesty and integrity are paramount.
From these comes trust, without which there can be little to build a solid foundation on.. and it takes some building, certainly wont happen over night, months, years sometimes before you can really know someone and trust them so explicitly that you have no doubts or fears that anything they may say or do, will cause you any permanent harm.
i have learnt to trust MG, with my life, on occasions, that wasn't an overnight thing by any means, 2/3 years and even now, we are both still learning, still growing into what we have, building on the solid foundation we set right from the beginning, when, in honest and open communication, we discussed every last detail of who we were, where we wished to go and how we wished to get there... of course, we make mistakes, but we make them together and try to rectify each one as it occurs, again, learning from the experience.
Sometimes the mistakes hurt us each a little, sometimes they are of little consequence, but we still learn from each one and hopefully we wont make the same mistake again.
If i never learn one more thing about life and myself from this day hence forth, i will at least have found the real me, under all that pretense and false facade that was stuck up there for years and years. Imperfection.. of course, bad habit,... most definitely, demanding... ask MG, stroppy, opinionated, feisty at times...Heck..that's enough self analysis for one day thank you..!!!
Take a good long look in the mirror, you might surprise yourself...
Saturday, October 16, 2004
The obvious one of course is the dreaded "Weed", We all know smoking is bad for us, we all know it is going to shorten our life, we all know the consequences of our actions and yet, we still light up the next cigarette. Ahh you say, but that's an addiction, and i would have to agree with you there, however, many of life' pleasures are addictive.
Drinking, smoking, junk foods, sweets, chocolate, tea, coffee, oh i could go on and on about what isn't good for you and how many of you readers can say, with hand on heart that you do not have a habit of some kind or another that is bad for you. And wouldn't life be boring without them.
On the other hand, there are things in life that are good but unless you are very dedicated to your own personal cause, many of them are a tough nut to crack, usually requiring strength of character on the part of those concerned to begin, practice and maintain such a routine. But hey, lets be honest here... bad is good, and i for one am not about to give up my little pleasures just because they might not be conducive to my health and well being. Why not, because i like them too much.
At my time of life, when i am beginning to feel the pressures of an ill spent youth catching up on me (oh it was ill spent, believe me) i could so easily say that if only i hadn't etc etc..... but then again, if i hadn't, would i be the person i am today, i doubt it. We mould our lives from a young age, finding out what is and what isn't to our liking and no amount of being told that something or other will come back to haunt us in later life is about to stop us. Late night clubbing, drinking, casual sex, kinky sex even... all adds to the spice of life and no matter how bad it might seem, nothing, is going to stop us mere mortals from having a look see at what Mr Adam and Miss Eve had to look at, (damn snakes) Now, for me, all i can add to that is... i wish i had taken a look earlier cause boy oh boy, what have i been missing all these years.
Funny thing to add here people, Yes i smoke, (far too much as it happens) but i don't drink, nor do i go out a great deal, i am also a vegetarian, i draw the line at some things, for personal reasons but i would never ever think to suggest that my way is the right way. All i try to do is balance some of the bad things in my life, with some of the good in the hope that in the long term, i come out of it all on a fairly even keel, with the scales about balancing, or teetering on a relatively horizontal plane. Yeah, i know..the bad will always be bad and the good will always be good, but the way i see it is, if one bad thing can be balanced against one good thing, i am doing OK as a general rule of thumb.
And what about those naughty habits... well, the usual ones are ok, they are the sort of mainstay of our lives but i have to add one or two to the usual list of bad'uns here.. for example.... pain !!
Have i mentioned that i am a pain slut, (means i enjoy it way way too much for me own good) The trouble is, that the more i get, the more i want, its habitual, addictive, from being a want it has moved to become a need in me and i find that if i go for any length of time without my "fix" well..the saying that "Hell has no fury like a woman... who hasn't had her fix" or even a PMT female....doesn't hold a candle to me. Same goes for subspace, that place we get to via the rush of endorphins ( naturally induced morphine based drug) , i need now, and the more i get, heck... i am addicted and here i have to say... i am not about to give up that.. not no way, no how.
There is no proof that any of the lifestyle activities we are now involved with are bad for us, nothing we do could be said to have any detrimantal physical effect on either of us, there are the obvious dangers of going over board with some of the techniques used in the lifestyle, but MG and i play very safely and everything we do is mutually agreed upon before the outset, thats where the "Consensual" bit comes in and as they are all, in there own way, pleasurable, i see no harm, long or short term in any of them. Sure, the odd bruise, or sore bits here and there, but none that are long standing or that will cause permenant damage. Thats isnt how we do things. Apart from habit forming, which seems to be the case with many of lifes little pleasures, as originally stated, we see no reall reason why we should not continue with our chosen part.
Only trouble is, like so many nawty things in life my little pleasure's have become a necessity now, i think that if i were to try to give up some of the things i have found over the past couple of years, i would be lost. This way of life that has taken me 46 or my 49 years is what i have been searching for and now i have found it, i dont think i could ever go back to the way it was before i found D/s... so i guess i am here for the duration.
Friday, October 15, 2004
However, life cant be all P-Zaz, all the time, there is a need to come down out of the clouds and dare i say it, get on with the hum drum, every day necessities of life that are not all glitz and glamour. Boring, maybe but there is a need sometimes to be just plain old boring you, slopping around in joggers and t-shirts, relaxing in the contentment of ones life and i guess that's about where i feel i am today... nothing sparking, no big power trips going on, just a vanilla day i suppose. And what's wrong with that ?
Well, actually, nothing at all from where i am sitting right now, a lazy day, other than the usual chores that just wont go away however hard i try to forget they require my attention ... (why do kids need feeding so often and always just when i have sat down for a minute or two.)
It is possible to have too much of a good thing as it takes the shine of it or makes it the norm instead of the exception and it is the exceptions that make the sparks, make your heart miss a beat, give you that buzz, each time. If something becomes so regular and uniform it is no longer seen as something special and looses its appeal out of over use. Who would want flowers and chocolates every day of the year, i know i would get sick and tired of the same old.... (mind you i know of a few chocoholics who would disagree with me on that one)
Apart from it not being possible to remain on high M/s alert 24 hours a day, 7 days a week due to circumstances beyond our control, i am convinced that we would very quickly burn out and our M/s become so mundane and boring that we would begin to not bother with any of it and lose what we have worked so hard to create. But as M/s is a lot about mindset, whether we are "in role" or not, the knowledge of who we are is always there, deeply embedded into the very fabric of our lives, i am slave, MG is Master.. when that is needed, it kicks in and the roles burst into life and we are off and running in whatever the current situation demands us to be. Of course, there are other times when we make the conscious effort to instigate the roles, to reaffirm our places within our lives and we do that often because it is not possible to have it in the front of ones mind a lot of the time, other things just have to come before it, oh, i shouldn't say that really, people would definitely say that that wasn't how a D/s, M/s life really is... and to those i say..phah.... live it, try it..you will soon come to realise that there is no way that anyone can live it.. all day, every day. Dream on...
i feel we have found a good balance between the various roles that we have together, putting the priorities first giving the circumstances at the time. When there is less pressure to behave as Mr & Mrs Average, that is the time, in private that we can and do bring out the more enjoyable and demanding aspects of how we have chosen to live. We don't push it down people throats, we don't publicly play or display, that is our choice and we have no intention of changing that. Other do, others need that side of their D/s and all power to then, it is just not for us.
What we have is each other, come hell or high water and nothing or no-one is going to change that.. we have off days just like any other couple, but we have great, brilliant P-Zaz days as well and its the P-zaz that makes it possible to cope with the other crap that is always floating about in our lives much the same as it floats about in yours. We are no different really. Life is what you make it.. and we have made our's, good bad and P-Zazzy
Thursday, October 14, 2004
There is one friend, who knows who she is, that i would like to give a very special thank you too, i have spoken to her this evening in chat and mentioned to her that she has been an inspiration to me of late, without even knowing it and she asked me why. So good people, let me explain..
Her name is rose and never was there such a sweet and lovely lady as she. When first i encountered her in a chat room some three years ago i would guess, she was, like so many, searching for something that she felt was missing from her life... she had travelled down a few inroads within the lifestyle in the hope of finding that special something that she had almost convinced herself would complete her life... without much success but with plenty of heartache, but never giving up. She was not the sort to make her business a public forum so it was some time before i learnt that she was a married lady, and very happily too by all accounts, yet there she was, in chat, doing what so many did and continue to do, searching for that illusive "One".
i recall asking her one day, what she would do regarding her marriage, if she ever did find the Master of her dreams and she replied, she would cross that bridge when she came to it, that was after i had pointed out to her that to be in chat actively seeking a Dominant, was tantamount to cheating on her husband and was likely to cause her difficulties within her marriage. She acknowledge that to be fact and we left it at that.
Some time later, i learnt that rose had found the man of her dreams, she had opened her eyes and her heart and she had seen that what she was looking for, she already had and that her life and her love was with her husband, and having spoken at length to one another, they had realised that what they both needed, they had, in the palm of their hands all the time.
With a bit of learning on either part, their relationship has blossomed and it is now as firm and stable as any married Master/sub relationship that i know.
Once rose found what she was looking for, not once have i heard her moan, not once has she ever had cause to find fault or complaint with her lot, she has, after all, found her true happiness with "Her Man" as she calls him.
Don't get me wrong, i am sure there are imperfections in her life, just like the rest of us, but rose has a philosophy that a few more of us could do well to follow.... she see's that there are others, far far worse off than she will ever be, that there are those who would give anything to have what she has, that there are others that would jump at the chance to have only a tiny proportion of what makes up her day/week and she also see's now that her life, such as it is, is her perfection and as that is the case, then she has no reason to wish for more, or want more, she has, after all, got it all.
The point here is that we should all look at what we have and enjoy that to the fullest, rather than go searching for what we don't have and allow ourselves to chase a dream because we have convinced ourselves that the dream might be better than the reality. It wont be.
Be happy with what you have rather than unhappy with what you have not. Make the most of each and every day because life is to short to spend it in a constant search for something that is so illusive that the chances of finding it are slim and in the process you may well loose what you already have.
i have done my fair share of complaining about what i dont have, and in that complaining, i hurt myself and those around me that i love with all my heart, my Master and my children. But suddenly i realised that i have my dream, i have what i desire most in life, the rest is merely window dressings ..
What more could i want..really...!!
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
We, MG and i have been building websites for some time now, not just as a past time but on a semi professional basis and we laugh when we look back on our first few tentative steps a few years ago at some of the awful designs we can up with them. However, i have to say that the seekers website and lately our own personal ones, please me a great deal. MG says i have the artistic flair and i say He is the words smith..so yet again, we make a good team. And that's what relationships are all about really, team work, fitting together, mutual likes and dislikes, same goes for D/s and M/s.
It has been said on more than a few occasions that compatibility is paramount within the lifestyle, this is so true, for it just will not work if the likes and dislikes of those involved do not come close to harmonious. How is it likely to ever get off the ground if Mr Dom is a real out and out sadist and Miss sub hates the very thought of pain... or if humiliation is your buzz word and it just doesn't do anything for your other 'arf.
Just not going to work, is it ? No matter how much you try, the old saying that a Leopard cant change his spots, is very much to the fore here, the Dom who has not got the ability to inflict pain on the masochistic sub, or the sub who will not be one of a pair or threesome, i.e a polygamous relationship that the Dominant wishes to incorporate into His D/s, just do not "Dove Tail" and no amount of trying, just to please, will make it work. Compatability from the outset should always be considered, if the shoe doesn't fit the first time you try it on, no amount of squeezing into it is going to make it comfortable.!!
Ahhhh.. MG's favorite analogy.. Dove tailing... take the cabinet maker who builds the exquisite piece of furniture, the corners mitred with such care that not a gleam of light or room for any glue, to hold the pieces together, can be seen, they fit to perfection, each joint honed with loving care and attention to detail so that they fit so snugly together, the cabinet will last for years and years. If the joints are not made correctly from the outset, from the very first design stage of the process, if one cut or saw stroke is wrong, the whole cabinet will be out of alignment even to the finished product. Get it right, and you will end up with a beautifully constructed and long lasting article.
A second analogy i place here for the readers delight, written by MG some time ago, it is titled. "The Art of the Diamond Cutter", i hope you enjoy.
However, a perfectly cut diamond can only be created if the original, uncut gem is perfect too. The Diamond Cutter must be able to see the potential in the uncut stone. He must be able to release that potential by use of the fewest number of changes; a skill that comes only with time.
I have seen the potential in you, and with your help I have created a perfect gem. But remember that the beauty of the finished article is only there because of the intrinsic perfection that was in the uncut diamond when it came to me.
I am nothing more than a catalyst, one who brings out what is there already. You were perfection when I found you. I have simply made the light shine a little brighter.
Thank you for the opportunity.
Sunday, October 10, 2004
However, having admitted defeat of the culinary nature, (my Victoria sandwiches go flat and soggy, my cheese sauces a thick blob of goo; i even once tried to microwave a cake which turned out to need a pickaxe instead of a knife to cut it ) i am taking the very bold step of offering to the reader my thoughts on cakes of a somewhat different nature.
i guess you could say that a cake is a cake is a cake, but the one i am referring to comes in a variety of flavours and with many kinds of coatings. my favourite one, and the one that i enjoy most has a deep base, heavily loaded with cream in the middle and an icing that you would die for.
Here i go again you might say, waffling (no i cant cook waffles either) on about some such nonsense, you might begin to believe that i am totally off my head but i felt that i needed to say here, within this blog that my own personal thoughts regarding the ingredients of a good, firm and solid D/s relationship, is much like the baking of a cake: add all the right stuff, allow to rise and grow to its natural place in the greater scheme of things, add a bit of cream delight, plus a delicious topping of a sexual nature, and you have what can only be described as a wonderful mix... of course.. too much of one ingredient or not enough of another will make the cake turn out all wrong, and i am afraid, this particular cake does not come in a ready to bake packet mix; there are way too many variations to the basic recipe so i guess it's a bit like.... add a pinch of this and a dash of that and if the taste isn't just how you like it, go back over what you tried and change it, until it suits your own personal pleasure.
D/s is a bit like that also, no way is right, no way is wrong, it really all comes down to what suits you and how you like it. Add the bits that work for you, discard those that don't and the end result should be something that works and works well and matches each individual's taste.
Anyway, back to the original thought for today's blog, its that time in my week when Master finishes his 5 day work shift... great, brilliant, but on a Sunday morning at 7am, i have to admit that submission is the last thing on this slave's mind when the alarm wakes her with the sole intention of making the preparations for her Masters return. i sat on the side of the bed, half awake , half asleep and i am willing to admit that the thoughts running through my mind at that time were far from submissive, in fact, it went something like this... what the **** am i doing at this time on a Sunday morning, dressed in a somewhat provocative manner, drinking my first cup of tea of the day and waiting to "present" myself to MG for his pleasure, when what i really want to do is crawl back into my nice warm and cosy bed and sleep for at least another 2 hours. The second thought went.. " i wouldn't do this for anyone else" and i recalled a previous life and time when it was all i could do to make a good excuse NOT to do exactly what i was doing right here and now... and all i can say to that is.. this life i have chosen must be something really special and this man i call Master must also be someone special because i like my Sunday Morning lay in's and i would not give that up for just anybody.
How often can it be said that submission is not always a pleasant prospect, is it possible to submit to something you enjoy ? How can that be submission ?
verb: yield to the control of another
verb: refer to another person for decision or judgment
verb: accept or undergo, often unwillingly
verb: accept as inevitable.
Definitions of submission:
noun: the act of submitting; usually surrendering power to another.
Saturday, October 09, 2004
Not money mad but it does make the world go round even on a very basic level, bills to pay, kids to clothes... who hasn't gone "ohhhhhhh" at the price of kids shoes and what makes matters worse is that they are as expensive as mine which are far larger and take a lot more leather in their construction, so how can they be as expensive... now who mentioned leather...!!! and of course that dreaded word to MG...shoes !!
i am giving a really bad impression of myself today dear reader but it is also well known, certainly by MG that i have a liken for both leather and shoes, not that i am the only one, i know of an American Mistress who owns a vast array of shoes and is proud of it, my only difficulty in all this is i can never find the pair MG wishes me to wear.. He is convinced i had a particular style and hunt in the bottom of the wardrobe as much as you like but i cant find them. Less on the shoe topic and more of the leather tho i think. But on second thoughts leather is a fetish, so the BDSM scene will tell you, shoes and the accompanying feet are also a fetish so i guess it is ok to put then in the same blog as a single entity. Fetishes.
There are some out there that would make your hair stand up on end and then there are those that a lot of people are involved in, of course, to the nilla world they are all just plain kink and are sick and depraved but within the lifestyle, your kink is yours and as long as you are happy with it, who is to say that it is wrong. my kink certainly isnt going to be the same as yours or anyone else's and as long as each is practised with the SSC code in mind, then enjoy yourself and do whatever it is that satifies the urge in you.
The list is endless, well not quite, but it is certainly long and with many a variation and it would be wrong of anyone to say that any kink, whatever its nature is anything other than the pleasure of the person involved ( i do draw the line of course at the yukky ones ie beastiality, incest, children etc, as do all true and honest lifestylers, these has no place within the realms of the lifestyle).
Age play, Asphyxiation play, Blood play, Chastity, Control scene, Daddy/Mummy, Degradation, Dirty sports, Discipline scene, Dog & Master scene, Domination scene, Edge play, ElectricityPlay, Enemas, Exhibitionism, Extreme play, Fantasy Play ....endless but each a valid feitsh to the person whom it holds a fasination for.
Fetish. Anything, which has been, invested with special sexual significance, e.g. Latex, Leather, Rubber, Silk, PVC, Uniforms, Boots, etc. It may also include also certain smells (e.g. of underclothes) and possibly tastes.
Fetishist. A person with a strong fetish.
Fetish scene. The fetish community, a group which includes people with a tolerance of, and often an interest in, BDSM. Many BDSMers have found that being part of the fetish scene is considered more acceptable to outsiders than being part of the BDSM scene
So my liking for shoes and leather makes me one of those i guess, and very proud of it i am too...and no amount of money or an easier life, is going to alter that, all it might do, is afford me the chance of buy more shoes...hhahahah and more leather... come on balls, its got to be our turn soon.!!
Friday, October 08, 2004
i feel i must first explain something to all you good people who perchance to arrive in this little oasis of BDSM called my blog. i am a slave, consensual, but none the less a slave, to my Master, MG, to whom i have gifted my life, mind, heart, soul and tonight it would seem also my body, even if He isn't here to take one on one advantage of that control, let me tell you, that is not about to stop Him having his way.
If you have read a previous blog regarding some new toys we have this week purchased, you will be aware that some little electronic gadgetry has found its way into our toy box (the place where all those nice things dwell and that Master has absolute control over, would i dare touch, NOOOOO )
We are fortunate enough to be able to talk to one another in messenger while MG is at work, when it is quiet and He has little to do over the long hours and tonight, seem to be one of those nights. He appeared on my computer desktop as a flashing indicator and i am instantly taken into a different realm from the one i had been in, which was a gentle surf of some net pages and a little bit of graphic designing, to pass the hours away.
In a moment, the control is there, the submission to His will, instantly aware of his presence even tho He isn't here, matters not, He speaks, even in words on a screen and i am riveted to His will. Pleasantries, greeting to my Master (who i have to say is still full up with the flu bug, poor love) and a discussion regarding of all things.. the subject of today's blog. Silly me, i should have learnt by now that if i pass over my choices to MG, He will, without a shadow of a doubt.. take hold of the reigns and run with it, and well, this is the result good people.
His control this evening extended to the placing of and ultimate testing of the clit stimulator. Not for His or my sexual gratification you understand, but a) to see how affective it is and b) for me to feel His controleven from 75 miles away, because any female out there will agree with me when i say that to have this little beauty strategically placed on a certain part of ones body is going to have some effect with or without your man present but the important part here is "control" because you see, i am going to get sexually aroused by this thing, but i also know that i am then going to be denied the full pleasure each time i am instructed to turn it off, that is control from MG and my submission of that control, Master is going to say "turn it off " because that is one of the ways Doms use their control, it gives then a buzz to know they hold the key to the slave's, in this case, sexual gratification, to know they have ultimate control.
On and off, on and off, winding up, creating a controlled space even 75 miles away. Of course, you say that i might not do what i am told and leave it running for my own pleasure, but that isn't how it works for me, no point in even going there because to disobey Master isn't something that i find does anything for me so why should i, i get more out of feeling his control than i would ever get out of lying to him and going my own way. So i comply with his instructions to the letter and while this little experience in gadgetry and control takes place, i am also instructed to write this blog, and that's where we are at, right this minute... (if you listen hard, you might even hear the buzzing)
The stimulation effect, lulls the body into a sense of security, humming away in the background while the mind is on the written word but it becomes difficult to concentrate on any thought process other than what my brain is telling me which is way more important right now and that's the warmth i am feeling in my lower regions, the beginning of a need to take this further, to complete the circle, but no, not yet Master says, wait, "I have control slave, only when i say".. three times i have had to switch it off so far, to be left with a totally different feeling, one of tightness as the flesh contracts following the time it has relaxed and absorb the sensation.. i now wait to be instructed to resume... oh i really should add here that of course, senses are heightened considerably during this test and they do not all recede when the machine is switched off, some remain, waiting, and the more the stimulation, the more the need to continue... On again now......
Give me a minute here.....!!!!!!!!!!!
ermmmmmmmm... i should point out that i am not one for self stimulation preferring to have Master here and for him to have the ultimate control over my sexuality so this isn't something that i do under normal circumstances and i have to say that i am not greatly enjoying the lifting up and then the letting down aspect of it, go for broke is my motto, i want it all and i want it now is my normal modus operandi.... a failing i have as Master often points out to me, the "i want it and i want it now" attitude and having said that, i am now getting to the point where being told to switch this thing off is beginning to grate on me because i don't want too, but i will with a pout and a lil whine to which the reply is "Do it please slave", how can i not..?
i understand the control aspect only too well but i have to ask at this point, for how long do i need to submit to this torture and how much control does MG feel he needs, i could climb a wall right now and having informed my Master of that fact via my PC screen i am told...."stick with it slave" i could screammmmmmmm but i am slave and i submit, however difficult that may be because as is often said, submission by its very nature is not always pleasant and for me, right now, i cant find this an enjoyable experience, i am so uptight and frustrated that i could cry but yet again i am told to switch it off, which i have done and now i am trying to regain control of myself before it is back on again.
i have to admit that i had thought about shifting my conscious thoughts away from the toy, just switch my senses off for a while but again that would be wrong of me and dishonest and Master would not be pleased and his displeasure is not what i am about............................................
Oh..now heres a thing folks, with the machine in the off position, as i wait to be instructed to continue, My Master is called away from his PC (well, after all he is at work) and who knows where this little bit of Master/slave control might end now..!!!
This entry commenced at 8.45pm and finished at, well..what with begin called away.. it is now 11.45 and i guess i have had an experience which was new to me, cant say i have enjoyed it all that much.. maybe had it all paned out and an end result achieved it might have been different, but as it is, i am content to have had the experience
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
I have a wonderful Master, who loves me beyond any kind of loving i have ever experienced in all of my 49 years, i have two beautiful and well rounded children who i am so proud of, i have none of the worries that so many of my friends and fellow submissives seem to carry around with them, which seem to have such a huge bearing on their every day lives... what have i got to moan at...nothing.
i have to say that it does seem to me that there are many many ladies of the submissive persuasion who do have some added baggage that they carry around with them, through no fault of their own i would hasten to add, but it is more and more obvious to me that many subs have had or still have some really hard knocks in life and these can and do reflect on how they view themselves and of course how other see them also. It is a well documented fact that subs tend to have low self esteem and that one of the many tasks any good Dominant is likely to face is that of lifting the sub out of that rutt, not an easy task by any means but one that seems to be prevalent within the lifestyle.
The poor self worth can certainly have a detrimental effect on any relationship, making it all the more difficult for the sub to even begin to find a place for themselves as this baggage has to first be addressed and then got over somehow and all within what is going to be a new environment and one that really shouldn't have to withstand the onslaught of old and sometimes still open wounds.
For myself, i guess the plasters i have stuck over any little cuts and grazes i have had in my life, ( and there have been a few) seem to be holding fast and i guess i am lucky that i have been able to move beyond those and on to a more happy and enjoyable time in my life and i have to add here, that that is due to my Master, MG, who has given me something in my life that allows me the space, in comfort and control...to expand and see the bigger picture when it comes to who and what i am.
It is he who allows me to grow and to find the space and freedom to see that what i am and what i have is all that i need right now... sure ..i could moan about the little things that may be lacking on any given day but they are really so trivial and not even worth a mention compared to some of the hardships that others have to cope with and for that i would like to publicly say thank you to my Master, for his love and care, for his overwhelming devotion to our way of life and for all he gives and continues to give to me and mine, day after day, week in, week out.. Without Him i might be just another statistic.
Love you Master..(mwahhhhhhhhh)
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Funny thing, Master and i went down to our Doctors surgery yesterday on another matter, and as we live in an area with a high population of elderly folk, the surgery was full to overflowing with patients waiting for the annual flu jag to protect them from the very bug that i walk into the surgery with, how silly is that... i guess if you are going to get sick anywhere, a doctors waiting room is the best place to pick up any mean and nasty bug.
I must mention that on Saturday evening, a pre arranged dinner date with a friend of ours, a Master in the lifestyle did manage to go ahead even tho this slave was so unwell, a 90 minute drive into the heart of London, what would have, under any other circumstances been a very enjoyable and pleasant evening, the 90 minute drive home in the early hours and by 2am Sunday morning, i am all but knocked out and as a dutiful and well behaved slave that i am, i retire to bed at my Masters instruction and remain there until late Sunday evening when i could no longer lay still while He ran around trying to deal with kids and dinner etc, it just doesn't work for me.
As to the rest of the 4 days off this weekend, once again, things conspired against us to halt most of the activities we might have had planned altho i have to say a delivery from the post man today sort of added a bright spark to the proceedings.
So lets talk about "toys", those little niceties that add some spice to ones lives and that usually arrive in a plain brown wrapper, altho those today came in a white box, but none the less, i think the postman wondered as i did answer the door with my slave collar firmly in place. It is one of our rituals that Master will place the slave collar around my neck and He is the only one to remove it, no if's or but's and as He was asleep, i had no choice but to answer the door with it on.. not that it bothers me in the slightest, anyway, back to the toys.
Never fear good people, i am certainly not hard done by in the toy department, there are all sorts here, from floggers of various lengths and thickness's, to crops, canes and paddles, all sorts of vibrating gadgetry, cuffs, ropes, chains even, locks, keys, blindfolds, gags... the list is rather long but you get my drift anyway.. not in short supply by any means, all purchased by Master and used on a regular basis.... but once in a while it is nice to have something new, something you are not sure off, something that you will just love to test and see what the effects are.
In His devious Dominant mind, MG has a passion for all things that create an effect but that cannot be seen by others, a hand that grasps the back of my neck while in the supermarket, that squeezes sometimes with force and speaks volumes to me, it says, "Master is in control slave, don't ever forget it" a quiet word in my ear , things of that nature that only mean something to us and no-one else, creating sparks between us...... so the parcel content today was not a great surprise.
Cordless, silent, powerful and waterproof the packaging said " batteries included" The bullet is for use at a distance of some 20 feet from the remote and can be switched on, and of course off, at Masters whim and hopefully from my point of view, for slaves pleasure, any time, any place and most definitely, any where and that is what MG likes, to create a buzz (no puns needed) deep inside me where ever we may be and the bullet is in place. (Use your imagination folks) We joked about it today, who needs a bell to summon slave to Masters side, switch the bullet on and slave will damn well know that Master requires her attention.. lol... Yes, we had a little testing of said toy, but you can beat your little cotton socks it will have a lot more testing in the next few weeks. As an aside, in the same package along with the bullet was a little butterfly clit stimulator, not remote but none the less a most attractive little gadget that i am sure will find a place amongst the collection that has found a home with us, that one didn't come with the "batteries included" so damn it all, we couldn't test it but, i have made a note to buy shares in "Ever Ready" tomorrow.
Oh, had better also mention that again, as a good slave, i never keep anything from MG, so i gave him the flu bug as well...!!!!
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Of course good people, my Master, true to his word, made all the right moves, setting the scene, nice Chinese meal, a warmth about the place that meant clothes were not really needed, well a few but only those of a sexy nature, we don't drink and even if we did, it is not advisable to consume alcohol before any kind of play, it impairs the senses you know and lets be honest here, who wants their sense impaired when we are talking about sensual and erotic play... not me, i want to be totally focused on the here and now.
Well, following the afternoons previous activities i have to say that this body of mine had already taken a certain amount of pain and was somewhat hyper before we even started, the butt a nice shade of bruise, the nipples sharp and pouting, only to be expected i guess after all that attention but even if the body wasn't to sure about things, the mind was certainly willing and the trying on of some new lingerie just about did the trick.
Black, silky, not a lot to it but hey, we can all do with a few of these little niceties in our lives and i am no different, i like and you can bet your sweet tush, so does MG.. Better retire to the bedroom or those neighbour's are going to get an eyeful and we would hate to be the cause of any health problems amongst the elderly population around here, curtains, never use them so..
i think i have explained before that there is a difference between "over the knee" (henceforth known as OTK"and "over the chair" (henceforth known as OTC) , the sensation is totally different, the pain entirely, the atmosphere most definitely, not that i am at all fuzzy you understand, i can go with either and or... i am just into pain in a big way (usually)...so its OTK time , touching, soft, stroking, whack, whack, mind fades, body arches, absorbs, needs more (i think) Harder.. dont stop, it will happen, just have to get over the pain bit first.
Oh good people, let me tell you here tho that if sods law has anything to do with any play of late, its bound to happen right about now and voila..it does... out comes the nice little tickling flogger we have, usually so erotic, such a sweet little toy it is too ( made by myself, at the huge cost of £2.50 from a leather plaited belt, unraveled to make a nice little stinging flick, knotted at each end of the tresses so that on impact, you know you have been "Tango'd" Not tonight it doesn't.
i guess i should add that for about 24hours, i have been trying so so hard to fight this flu, yes people, flu... i don't get flu but the sore throat and the cough is winning, the aches i feel i am trying to convince myself are not due to flu but to the excessive use of my body by my Master.. but to no avail...its flu all right and nowt i can do about it.
Every strike, every tweak, every little touch, slap, hit, whack, flog, is just out and out pain, it hurts and it hurt and it hurts some more and there i am trying with all my mind to convince myself that in a minute the pain will cease and the erotic will kick in...does it chuff...
After 20 minutes or so of cane and flogger, hand and nipple clamps..i have to admit defeat as tears of pure and utter pain wash over me.
Thats it, Master stops, slave crumbles into a blubbering heap having failed in her attempt not only for a flight into subspace but that she has yet again, failed to please her Master... sods law, same thing happened last time we had the chance to play and i am sort of getting a complex here.
Tucked up in bed some time later, dosed up with Beechams extra strong cold and flu remedy, Master tries to convince me that it isn't my fault, same as he did last week when Mother Nature took her hand in the matter, but still.. it didn't happen and i feel like shite.... and not just because i have flu !!!