Sunday, March 27, 2005
i tend not to use that space any more as having started this blog, MG and i decided that to write two entries each day that were coming out pretty much the same was really a bit of a waste of time. However, having read my old journals i am wondering if that is true.
The pages that i wrote, for my Masters eyes only were far more personal than this blog will ever be, by definition, because it was a very private place and i think i might just have to talk to MG about this and see if maybe the journal cannot be re-instated in some form or another to allow me that private place to let go of some of the more "intimate" thoughts i have regarding our lives.
A year has passed nearly, i noted the entry of my Daughters 16th Birthday, well she is 17 next Thursday and how time flies and here we are, still Master and slave, still doing what we do, in the way that works for us and yet things are constantly changing, evolving and we continue to move forward within our M/s.
And how time has changed since those entries. I noted another that MG wrote that tells me not to let the journal slip as if nothing else it is a record of our lives together and how true that is because having looked back over some of the entries i find things i had long forgotten about, episodes in our lives that were well worth recording, incidence that it would be a shame to loose. So, i think, maybe a little step backwards to the days of the journal entry might be well worth the effort of writing them.
i also note that unlike my journal entries that were a "requirement", this blog is added to as and when i have a thought to write or a desire to put pen to paper. The journal had to be written daily and would let MG know about some of the thoughts and feelings i was having regarding our personal lives. i sort of miss that i think. Yes, i am going to talk to MG about this and see what can be done.
Of course, we all move on, we never stands still and it would be such a shame not to have a record of what our lives are like right now as opposed to how they were a year, two, three ago and yet, this whole year, within my mind has been lost from thoughts due to the lack of one simple entry per day. A shame really.
Me being stubborn, lazy, call it what you will but certainly my fault as if i recall it was i who suggested that with the blog running, there was no need to continue the journal...my mistake and i can see that now. Damn and blast.
Much is written about sub/slave journals, the need for, the reason behind them, what they should or shouldn't contain. Well i am living proof that they do serve a purpose and i sit here on this Easter Sunday and i am having regrets that i haven't kept mine up.
For that deeper level of communication between MG and i, i think this is a must and at the first opportunity i shall talk to him about this.
And on that note, i would like to wish all those who venture here, a Happy Easter, may the bunnies visit in abundance (with chocolate i mean.) as its a well written fact that sub/slaves has a passion for chocolate.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Lying, cheating their way into peoples lives with only their own pleasures in their minds. They don't care who their use and abuse as long as they get what it is they are looking for, at whatever cost. And believe me, there are quite a few out there. They come online, come into chat rooms and play their sick little games and take people in without a second thought of how they can so easily hurt people.
Amazingly, there are those who actually believe that when you set out with the soul intention of using people that it is just a game and no one really gets hurt, that the person the other end of some chat screen is playing the same game and therefore couldn't possibly take anything that is said..Seriously.
But, its not their fault of course, they are not really coming into D/s with any serious intent, be they Dominant or submissive... if we accept that in fact, they have just stumbled across a D/s chat room and think its a good place to get a bit of kink for a while.
Catch them out at their little game tho and wait for the excuses
"It's not my fault, i has circumstances that mitigate my behavior. Sure, I pretended to be a man online, collared unsuspecting women and wore the collar of a man at the same time. I ridiculed those I lied to. I continued to lie. I cheated. I conned. I manipulated. I stole money. I turned on people who met and trusted me. I blamed everyone else for all the bad things that have ever happened to me in my entire life. But I am not dishonest! You see, it's not my fault!"
- "It's my parents fault for not giving me a good upbringing.""
- It's the fault of the school system for not giving me a good education."
- "It's society's fault for not taking care of me."
- "It's my husband's fault for not being what I wanted him to be."
- "It's my husband's fault because he beat me."
- "It's my employer's fault for not recognizing my talents."
- "It's my children's fault for being born."
- "It's the fault of fate."
- "It's the fault of my incestuous father/brother/uncle, etc."
- "It's God's fault."
- "It's my Master's fault."
- "It's all just a game, anyway."
It's everyone's fault, except the one who chose to lie, cheat and steal. So when do "we" become responsible?
i believes the answer is: From the moment we are born to our last dying breath. The concepts of right/wrong, good /evil, honest/corrupt are not just words. They are representations of the paths on which we choose to travel. The paths that tell the world what kind of people we are.
So when you choose to walk a path of dishonesty, it would seem a bit stupid to cry out, "I am, in real life, an honest person! This is just not my fault!"
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
We look back on good and bad times and in certain instances view those as worth remembering or trying to forget, however, that past is not changeable and it is what usually makes us the people we are.
My past isn't all that much worth even mentioning. Good bits have happened as well as bad and i like to view my whole life from within little boxes that i keep in a storage compartment in my memory bank. (brain)
Some boxes are pretty pink, with a frilly bow to tie the lid down, these i am happy to open and take out the contents and recall the good times. Other boxes might be plain, brown, boring and tied with a piece of string, the contents of which i can view without any difficulty if i have a mind to go to that time and place but these memories have little effect on me now. They are just that, memories.
i also have another box, black, dark, closed tight, wrapped around by a thick heavy chain, padlocked and no key. This box i never open, (or try not to)
My point is that we all have a past, some of which is good and some bad but these times in our lives we cannot change so therefore we have to deal with whatever each box holds for us and move on with the next memory without allowing the old ones to have to much effect on us at the present time in our lives.
If we continue to look back at the dark stages of our lives, we are never going to be able to move forward and without that chance, we are never going to be able to make new and happy memories to replace the old ones. There is of course the concept that we can learn from the past, from our mistakes and that is true to some degree, but to dwell on what was or what might have been, for me.... serves very little purpose.
i am moving on, things are happening so fast right now that it is rather difficult to keep up some times. i lay in bed at night planning, trying to imagine what things will be like in say a month or a year and the excitement i feel takes over and damn... can i sleep... not a chance. I am not one to plan to far ahead, life has a habit of changing all to soon and the plans made become redundant because something that was expected to happen, doesn't and its a matter of redefining it all over again, so i tend to be the sort who, altho i do plan, it is usually only in the foreseeable future, rather than years ahead.
So..to the present
- We, my Master and i are in the process of buying a house... oh the plans i am making in my mind are so exciting, even down to the wall colours and how i am going to plant out this huge garden that is currently a blank canvas.
- MG is about to start a new job, changes are afoot and with each one comes new prospects.
- i received my draft divorce papers yesterday, that wont take long to complete now.
- We are still planning on getting married ASAP, once the above is complete
- i have sorted the "menopausal" problems i was having and the HRT seems (fingers crossed) to be working in my favour
Its all go and the future holds some exciting prospects right now. However, with all that is going on there is never enough time for the spicier things in life and we have had little time for the M/s bits that are fundamental to who we are and will have even less as this new job of MG's is to be weekend working for a couple of months leaving little if any time alone when the children are not here.. but we both have accepted that as a necessary evil right now and i am sure we will find ways of keeping our M/s alive and vibrant. It might take a little more effort on both our parts to incorparate it into what is going to be a very hectic schedule but the fact that we are both aware that we will need to take time out for us in the next couple of months ..is a good way to be right now and i am hoping that we will do that, if things get too hectic and it doesn't happen as outrightly as i might wish it too, so be it, there will be other times and as has so often been said...the M/s is very much a mind thing for us, We know who we are and no amount of distractions or hustle and bustle is going to alter that in any significant way really.
At the end of each day, i am slave to MG, he is Master and that is how it will always be.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Life changes and we much change with it or get left behind but in doing so, i have asked MG only today whether we are still living within our M/s as it tends to get lost amongst all the other everyday stuff that is usually going on and even more so at today's pace as so much is happening in our lives right now.
No need for me to detail here all that is currently shaping our lives suffice to say that its probably the same as many people have, job offers that need thinking about, home, work, bills, sick kids, schooling, divorces, solicitors..etc etc..as i say, probably like a million other peoples lives.
But in the melee of all this stuff...and with both MG and i not feeling 100% fit right now, our M/s has had to take a back seat for a while, once things settle...it will come back again.
On the surface, yes..its quiet, but its still there and it will always be there and when the timing is right, it will rise up again and be as strong.. if not stronger...than ever
Thursday, March 10, 2005
The imagination is a wicked thing at the best of times, it can have its good side when the mood takes you but for me, right now, i am getting the down side of it.
If i could see round the next corner, you bet that what i would see was the bad bit and as much as i am aware that it is, after all just my mind playing tricks on me, its still difficult to ignore it.
i feel the whole world is turning up on its end, my world, that what was once perfect, every little thing that isn't what i am use to i can so easily turn around to mean something its not.
All sorts of imaginary demons are surfacing right now and as i say.. i know what's happening, i can feel it but even so, this feeling of not being good enough, not being wanted, not being me....is breaking my normal, steady and stable resolve.
i want to scream at people and ask...why are you treating me like this, what have i done.... but they would probably laugh and tell me they are being as they always are and its me that is out of whack.
Stupid little things that usually would mean absolutely nothing at all.. i am reading things into.
Example..... every day as MG and i walk over to the train station to get his train, he holds my hand. This is something He always does, its a part of who we are, He leads the way. Today he didn't..!!!! Why didn't he... Probably because he had his bag in one hand and a cigarette in the other, but even so, usually he would find a way and today he didn't so there i am, walking beside him but alone.. not connected and my mind makes up all sorts of reasons as to why he didn't hold my hand. i don't have to spell those out to you all, i am sure you can probably imagine what is running around my head, which is pounding away as it has been for days now.
Stupid little things like that, i am reading all sorts of things into and its not just that one... many many every day things that normally i would pass over as just that, normal, of late i see something else in them and the something's i am seeing are driving me to imagine things that i know i will be told are rubbish but that doesn't help right now and as much as i know i am being stupid, i cannot help myself at present.
To my Master i say Sir, thank you for your understanding of these times.. i am sorry if i am saying and doing things that are way out of character and that i will sort it soon, i promise.
To my friends who are seeing a different cleo right now.. i apologise profoundly.. i will get this sorted and be back to my normal self ASAP.. i hope. Until i do, please just ignore the rantings of a menopausal female who is slowly going off her head.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
i think my main difficulty at present is what is happening to me, something i have no control over and is likely to get worse before it gets better... that of the time of life that i am either going through now or that is coming on thick and fast.
We all know about the effects of the menopause, we have all read the literature... nothing however really prepares us for what actually happens to us... as a person. Oh and me, being the sort of person i am had said to myself as the time approached that this thing was not going to beat me, that i would cope with it the way i have coped with what life throw at the female.. all my life. i was so damn sure that child birth, before, during and after would have little effect and it didn't, that 30 something, 40 something and 50 something was not going to dominate my life, that woman of all ages had had to go through this stage and they coped so why cant i and that i was damn sure that i would not need and would refuse with ever ounce of my being to use HRT or any such stuff, that i would cope naturally.... and so far..i have.
However...some of the effects are so damn difficult.... we hear of hot flushes, but never in my dreams could i imagine the feeling of cooking from the inner out... the inner heat that rushes over you, any time, any place, any where, night and day..that feels like someone opened a furnace under you.... the swelling of fingers that make it almost impossible to clench your hand, the tiredness that never seems to go away... month after month. just some of what i am going through right now.. and to cap it all.. the what seems like constant.. headache, pounding, never going away, the restless sleep from which you wake each morning feeling like you haven't slept at all having been broken by countless awakening due to the heat coming from your body.... ahhhhhhhh
All these things on top of the constant self doubt i have about who i am and where i am going is making me into one miserable being at present and try as i might to shield people from that... taking it all within myself, sometimes it bursts out all over the place and those nearest and dearest to me take the brunt of it. i don't mean for that to happen, i do my best not to allow the effects to have any bearing on my family and even more so on MG.. He really doesn't need all that crap on top of all the other stuff he is constantly coping with and because of this and because i am not sure how much longer i am prepared to allow this change to have such a profound effect on me... i am, for the first time, thinking.. and i say thinking because that is as far as i have got as yet... that maybe its about time i saw someone about all this and took the artificial help to get me over this period in my life. That decision i haven't made yet....
Me... make a decision...you ask...well.. MG and i have talked about this a lot already and he knows of my aversion to putting stuff into my body that god hadn't intended to be there and he will not force or order me to do what goes against my beliefs so he has left this decision to me for the time being which i thank him for.
If the time comes when i am ready to accept defeat and go so the doc it will be because i am ready to, not because i have been told too.
Along with all the physical effect this is having on me there are a few emotional ones as well, the mood swings etc that i am trying really hard to cope with these last few days. Right now i feel fat and frumpy, i berate myself over and over again about why MG would want to put up with this, why should he want me with all these problems i am facing right now. If he backs away from me for fear of getting his head bitten off i think its because he doesn't want to be close...when he gets close.. i don't want that and we go round and round in circles.... and you wonder why i am confused...!!!
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Of course i am confused, that's nothing new, it is my way, to have some sort of confusion within my life, so what makes today any different. If i didn't have something to confuse me, something to ponder on, to twist and turn around in my head i swear i would just be vegetating and that would never do. Thinking, pondering, working my way around or out of a situation, finding an answer, trying this way and that way to come up with, what i think is the best result for even some of the most mundane daily life bits and pieces.... it keeps my brain active and my thoughts charged. Sitting in front of the square box (television) has never satisfied my imagination or increased my intellect to any degree worth mentioning, soaps have not ever held a fascination for me, dramas, maybe, documentaries also, tho not night after night, over and over..but, thoughts, ideas, puzzles, riddles, those keep me on the ball.
So..todays topic of confusion is...apart from the trouble of kitting out my 10 year old daughter in clothing of the 1940's era for a school project ( what does her teacher think i am..to be able to find anywhere this sort of stuff in 2005) i digress....
Who am i, i guess is my favourite confusion topic and once again i suppose i am posing the same question for myself but today i do have a reason. i was watching (out of the corner of my eye while kids had TV on) an American court program, the ones with the Lady Judges making life decisions regarding other peoples lives. Divorce Court i think it was called. The case in question was that of a 30 something female wishing to end her 9 year marriage to a 64 year old man because...she said, she had fallen out of love with him and that his habits that at one stage of their relationship, didn't bother her, now did, the way he ate his food, the way he drove the car, silly mundane life things..but now they grated on her to the point of distraction. Love had at an earlier time covered up the irritations for her, now that no longer existed she could only see the annoyance in them. But surely, as we all grow these things that could be considered annoying become a part of ones life and as such we all take the rough with the smooth on a daily basis. We don't walk away because something isn't just quite right, what we should do is to try and either make that problem better or except that it is a part of who we are and as such.if it were to be changed, we would see a different person anyway
It is easy to become complacent, to sit back and allow it just to flow, someone said to me recently that he thought that at my time of life (nearly, very nearly 50) that it was sort of expected that i should have gained weight and got cuddly and content and that having found my man and happiness it wasn't uncommon for this to have occurred. ( i sort of resented that as i felt the implication was that we females give up trying after we have got our man, but the man is of little significant and i wasn't about to argue with him..my attitude to his remarks were "Whatever") but it is a fact, well documented that mid life (nice term) and the sleek body and the fine skin do tend to get lost in all the other things that have to be sorted. My eldest daughter also feels that i am more "mummmsee" now than i was, i guess that means soft and cuddly and that's ok between me and her as mother and daughter (use to really get her goat that i had a slimmer figure than she did) but my point here is.. is it ok for me, as slave to MG to become "comfortable", to maybe allow myself to let go a bit and relax into our relationship as a normal couple living our lives together.
Does being a slave mean that i have to constantly be on my guard that i do not allow that to happen, that i am in constant fear of an extra pound or too, that if in gaining that weight, i might incur the wrath of my Master... or am i allowed to be a little like any other female of my age and allow nature to do, what nature will do..?
Should i worry endlessly that i might be letting my master down, that i am not trying to be the best i can be for him ?
As i say..thoughts that provoke and stimulate me on a mental level, and heck..confuse me along the way
Sunday, March 06, 2005
So, when i fail, (which is what i have been doing most of the last few days) i expect myself to slip slowly ever downwards into some pit of deep dark black goo, strangely enough tho, i haven't. (maybe i am learning) so why haven't i ?
- maybe i am not really that bothered about what i was trying to achieve in the long run..
- maybe i really wasn't putting all i could into the task in the first place..?
- maybe i have just been killing time all along..?
- maybe i have picked a task that is really beyond me at this time ?
Gawd knows why i should ever think that i can be perfect at everything i do or at least try to do. i haven't got a hope in hell really , yet does it stop me trying, does it heck. Its got to be right or its for the bin and it seems that most of my efforts the last week have ended up right there, in the bin.
Dont get me wrong tho.... perfections is what i strive for in all aspects of my life knowing full well that as a member of the human race the odds of achieving that are about as long as winning the lottery. Yet we do the lottery every week without fail. So i guess that explains why i continue to try and try again, maybe in the hope that with the continued effort an end result, altho not perfect might be "good enough"
I guess i cannot expect perfection of myself really but as far as it goes, i have to do my very best, be that within my relationship with MG , as his slave, as a mother to my children, as a partner, lover, carer etc, as just me... i have always wanted, even expected of myself, the best i can give, half hearted, its doesn't matter attitude doesn't work so the "maybe i wasn't putting in all i could" line doesn't work at all because i am definitely an "All or Nothing" kind of person.
But damn it, failure sits ill with me, makes me so damn cross with myself when i cannot do something to the standard i think i should be able too.
It isn't about what others think i am capable of... altho of course their opinion might help me on my way, encouragement is always valid and is a great asset, but i have to know within myself that i can do something, that i can make the grade, meet the target, achieve an end result, so it is an obvious outcome that when i don't i am going down and for me, usually quickly and without stopping on the way.
Self esteem is a very vulnerable thing and mine is easily shaken so when failure does occur, that self image is the one that take the knocks. Guilt at failing, beating myself up over something which really, if i had any control over i wouldn't have failed at in the first place and yet..
Here's an added thought.. if i don't fail, how will i ever learn because being good at everything allows no room for improvement. What would there be to improve on if perfection was reached every time.
AS slave to MG, my task is to always be as best as i can be, improving on the skills that are not as sharp as some others, growing within myself, learning new things and to do that there will have to be failure or at least a job not so well done so that i may learn from that and find ways to make it better the next time.
And all that is well and good but my problem seems to be that "The next time" has to be the minute i have failed and so... off i go again attempt the almost impossible... but..
i will achieve, i will do what it is i am trying to achieve.... a day, a week, however long it takes, i shall acquire the skills needed to improve so that i will not fail.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
In various different circumstances whether the head rules or the heart does can have either good or bad results and it is all a matter of which one is the best for you at the time and if you wish to take a certain path.
In my case, MG decided which path i followed because that is what we do..He makes those kinds of choices for me, that's what M/s is really all about for the best part. The Dominant making a decision in the best interest of the sub/slave no matter if the sub/slave wishes to take another route. Sometimes MG will make a decision which he has decided is in my best interest but i "want" to go the other way, ie, my heart ruling rather than my head but within M/s i have given him the right to make those decisions for me and if He decides on the path his sub/slave should take, then so be it..
In some respects, the decision we all make could lead us down the wrong road but even so, the desire to follow that path, at that time makes it difficult to chose the other way. If there is no one else to make those choices, no one who can stand back and see the whole situation for what it is and make an unbiased choice, rather than one that is more of a want than a need, then that is where problems and difficulties arise.
As an example: The decision to go and meet someone who you have been talking to online. Over some period of time you might have built a relationship that you feel is worth continuing, you really want to meet this person, you convince yourself that you know them, that this is the obvious next step, that the joy, the excitement that this person creates in you every time you talk sends waves of pleasure through you and that there is no real reason why you shouldn't meet them (Heart ruling)
Yet, somewhere, deep down you have a twinge that really should cause you to step back and wait, to be patient, to allow time to pass and the "getting to know you" process to go further than it has at present. (Head ruling) The obvious safety issue are well know to us all and yet we become blinded by our wants and tend to forget or push aside what it is our head tells us is the best path. Its easy to become blinded by Heart, by desire, by the need to expand and ignore the obvious "head" ruling that under more normal basic life experience would tell you the way to go.
The expression that its easier to see more clearly if you stand on the outside looking in, is very true. Someone else might give you the benefit of that "looking in from the outside" view but at the end of the day as in all aspects of what we do as individuals, we can listen, we can all hear the advice, but it will always be our decision as to the path we chose and suffer whatever the consequences of that decision may be, good or bad.
Head or Heart.... we are mostly capable of making the right decision for ourselves until we become blinded by " want v's need" What we want, what we desire may not be the right path to follow but the want can sometimes be far more powerful and has a habit of painting the situation in a rose tinted colour allowing us to as good as pretend to ourselves that the way we want to go is in our best interest when if we are truly honest with ourselves, it isn't, but oh..the desire, the rose tint can blind us all.
What we should all be careful of tho is not to allow either way to become predominant, to not be able to view any situation from both sides and in doing so, be unable to see the bigger picture. Both ways will have some merit, the task is to view each, even analyse them both and come up with the right, best and proper path to follow. Pro's and con's..
For me, as slave to MG, i give up that ability to make the choice for myself in many things. i have trust that MG will make the right choice for me instead... always, in my best interest.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
(Names changed to protect the guilty)
>Male Chatter has joined the conversation.
Male Chatter : hi all
Male Chatter : hi cleo
Male Chatter : u there cleo
clêô_MG : sorry..miles away
clêô_MG : good morning to you
clêô_MG : am here now
Male Chatter : ok lol were u from
clêô_MG : UK based...south east
Male Chatter : ok nsw aust here
clêô_MG : ahh...an Auzzie...well...welcome to seekers UK style
Male Chatter : u have sexy legs
clêô_MG : lol...ty
Male Chatter : what time is it there
clêô_MG : not that you have much sight of my legs..but there you go
clêô_MG : time in UK at present...11.10am
Male Chatter : ok what u up to tady
clêô_MG : just chillin at present...
clêô_MG : shopping to do...kids to sort..Masters to pay attention too...
Male Chatter : ok hot here 10pm about to go bed soon
clêô_MG : the night is still young...Isn't it..?
Male Chatter : u want to play hey
clêô_MG : ermmmm....
clêô_MG : you into the Ds lifestyle..or just browsing
Male Chatter : when u take that pic off u
Male Chatter : bit of both
clêô_MG : so you understand the concept behind a collared slave then...?
Male Chatter : yes
clêô_MG : k..well..the pic... was taken.. by my Master last year
Male Chatter : ok does he spank u much
clêô_MG : as and when he sees fit
Male Chatter : ok u like been a slave
clêô_MG : if he feels there is a need
Male Chatter : ok what he hit u with
clêô_MG : if i didn't...i guess i wouldn't be in a 24/7 relationship with Master
clêô_MG : again..whatever he chooses to use
Male Chatter : ok what does he order u to do
clêô_MG : i think...you maybe have the concept of what a 24/7 Master/slave relationship is all about a bit mixed up here
Male Chatter : do i?
Male Chatter : he often tie u up
clêô_MG : ermmm....i am not sure MG would appreciate me discussing our private and intimate relationship with someone i have never met before
Male Chatter : ok
clêô_MG : suffice to say..we live D/s...24 hours a day..7 days a week..use your imagination from that, if you must.
Male Chatter : ok
clêô_MG : you see...our life....is a private as yours is...
clêô_MG : i wouldn't ask you what you do in bed....why ask me
>Male Chatter has left the conversation.
He left, surprise surprise, but i honestly feel i have a point here, that some people use chat to satisfy their own private kink, to get off on what other may do within their private situations and i for one am not prepared to discuss or debate with anyone, what it is that MG and i may do within our Master/slave relationship.
Of course, we are always happy to lend a hand to those who have a serious interest in what it is that makes up a good M/s relationship but that does not include intimate details of our sex life.
Techniques we may use, ideas, thoughts about various aspects of the lifestyle, but not as far as given details of what, when or how we carry on our private life.
Just my thoughts on the subject..or object... as the case may be..!!!