Sunday, November 15, 2009

Damaged Goods

On some days, my health issues rob me of the capacity to feel happiness, but so far i have never lost the ability to feel gratitude and love. We're very fortunate to have a deep and abiding love that is utterly unconditional.

So, for the past few years, being in charge of a "broken" slave, having to make difficult decisions about how to interact with me. Trying to keep the D/s dynamic we both need alive while not inadvertently creating any more problems.We have had to communicate more openly than ever, although some of the time, trying to sort out my own thoughts or to know how to say what i need hasn't been easy.

Through it all, Master has been wonderful at just being here and loving me. No matter what. i could not possibly ask for more.

Fortunately most of the time, i am an awesome slave and partner. i am loving, loyal, caring, passionate, bright, and expressive. my inability to serve as one might expect decreases my value as slave. But i'm a package deal, and my Master took me -- all of me, even the broken bits.

Right now, We take things one day at a time, i'm doing my best to be the slave Master deserves.I have accomplished some a lot of things in life despite my disability. i have sometimes lost hope, but i have always found it again. And now, for the first time, I'm not in this alone,i am a part of something bright and vibrant and i want to enjoy, bask in that for a long time to come. Thank You Master, i love you more than i did yesterday, But not as much as i shall tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

24/7 Thing

You know sometimes it is hard to sit down and write about things Its even harder to maintain a M/s relationship all the time. i think this is where the whole 24/7 argument comes in. Some believe you have to maintain the outward appearance of the M/s dynamic at all times, to me that's just not realistic. i will argue with Master get snotty and sarcastic, maybe even appear to be telling him what to do, but i also know when to back off (well usually sometimes i don't and then i get that real strict tone that reminds me to tone it down). Does this not make me a "real" slave. Who knows and really who cares. Master and i are the ones in this relationship and our definitions are what run it, not anyone else's.
I've always said that i think the M/s dynamic is more of a mind thing. Its how you feel. i don't need a physical collar around my neck 24/7(even though i dowear one) to know that i belong to Master. Apart, together it doesn't matter there is a connection. There were times where we were not in each other's pockets, but even then there is an undeniable bond that placed me at His feet. i know that sounds strange and is hard for most people to understand because we live in a judgemental society. i can't explain it, not sure i want to, or feel the need to. Its just the way it is for us.

i for one won't judge your choices and i hope you wont judge mine.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

apology. "who am i"?

I had an inappropriate emotional reaction last night. i am really embarrassed about it, but i will reflect on my behaviour and explain my thought processes to Master.
This was where i mouthed off at Him. He was, i know thoroughly perplexed by my reaction, slave apologies, most humbly Sir.

In retrospect, i know i overreacted, but for sake of explanation here are the reasons why this incident upset me so much.
i was annoyed by Master’s offering his time, idea, even knowledge to someone else.
My first thoughts was how he had 'no right' to do that; to offer what He has to exclude me, i felt devalued, embarrassed now by my reaction and extremely sorrowful.

It took me most of the night to regain my composure and evaluate the situation. i was upset at the time, but i later realised that i was overreacting.

i have trouble obeying orders when they don’t align with my desires. However, i do realize that being an owned woman, means doing what Master wants. It’s easy when his commands give me gratification from a task; it’s harder when its uncomfortable or inconvenient.
However, as a submissive, i should not be allowed or assume that i can pick and chose what i want to obey. Belonging to him means doing whatever he wants, even if I’m not thrilled about it.

Beyond this, i should be and i am, thrilled to serve him and obey him. Master is very good to me, and makes a lot of sacrifices and compromises for me. Even without the D/s dynamic, just within the context of a loving, relationship, i should be giving back to him with an open heart. i love him and want to please him, but to do that i must stop being self-centered and think more about serving him.

Alongside anger, i was upset by the fact that Master was seeming to prefer others company to mine. Prior to this dummy throwing on my part, i was sitting by his side. as i always do, i wasn’t interrupting his conversation, or being a nuisance. And yet, despite the team practice we have always maintained, He choose to do thing which i felt excluded me. Being in a particularly needy mood, this really upset me(not an excuses for my behaviour i realise now).

Later, when i looked at the situation from Master’s point of views, i realized once again that i was in the wrong, i was in a very selfish mood and wanted to stay close to Master but i should have actually been happy that Master was doing something He loves to do, and sat quiet—like a polite, well-mannered girl—instead i had a paddy. i was so focused on my need to cling to Master that my basic etiquette disappeared.

Anyway, i got over this one just by thinking about my place in our dynamics. i have to remember that there is a reason why Master and i get along so well; and it’s because we have similar core beliefs. i have to remember that the reason why i’m still submitting to him is because i trust him to make good decisions for us and to act in our best interests. And it is in neither of our best interests for us to not fully agree where we take every aspect of our lives together.
While Master’s action made me upset and frustrated, he was not in the wrong. It was me who was being hypersensitive and inconsiderate. i love him for not getting too upset at me, for trying to reason out my reaction, for wanting to make things better, for setting the task which prompted this writing. Although i realise that it isn’t "Who am i" in any normal context, but i hope it is acceptable in a similar vain.

i’m not scared of Master. but i am scared that he’ll be upset with me, that he’ll get tired of me. i’m scared of negative reactions for things i do, or forget to do. i know he can punish me and will if He feels it is warranted, i do not fear this. But i do not fear him as a person. Now, i obey him for completely different reasons than i did at the beginning--because i respect and care for him. In him, i have the companionship and laughter and friendship and balance that i lacked and badly needed.i love Master so much that my heart pounds just thinking of him. i willingly serve him.

Now, if he were to hurt me, out of correction or simply for his pleasure, i would want nothing more than to crawl into his arms afterwards. i don't want to run away. i don't and can’t resent him, not now that i see that he so good for me. Ironically, these days, he is not so quick to hurt me. Sometimes i wonder why. Perhaps it is because he recognizes my need to please him. Perhaps he realises that my slip-ups come from moments of humanity and forgetfulness and not from disrespect or a desire to test him. Or i believe it is because He care for me in the same way i care for him; past that superficial level of exploring something new and interesting.. Perhaps, he comes to like me not just because i am submissive, but because of "who i am" in conjunction with the submission.

Whatever the reasons, in answer to “who am i” , i am my Masters slave, willing to submit to Him in all ways, to acknowledge my imperfections and attempt to correct those to please Him better.

i am happier than i have ever been before. He is Master, to be obeyed, In the beginning,i was unsure and would slip-up a lot, now i should have no excuses. But i do acknowledge that i am far from the perfect slave and that every day is a challenge to not slip up ; to not forget my position in our dynamics.

N.B (portion of the required essay)

Sunday, November 01, 2009


i've missed a few blogs this last week, so i am wondering if i would be able to be successful with this lifestyle if i were not regularly writing. i’m writing for my blog right now, if i wasn’t i could be writing in a journal. i could be writing just for myself, or to share thoughts with Master. i’m not sure if i would have the same drive to write as often if i didn’t have the blog.

I love my blog. it’s opened my heart and mind up in ways that i am not always sure what to think at times. i’m thankful for that but also it can be overwhelming. Often my posts will come from the extremes of my emotions. it’s freeing and scary and enjoyable and frustrating all at the same time. Not every time, but sometimes. i mean that writing for the blog has opened me up, the difficult thing is that it forces me to remain open (if i want to write meaningfully).and makes me look at myself, my life honestly.