Wednesday, August 31, 2005
There have been so many times when i had thought that i was missing something, oh, not before D/s, that's another life, long gone now, no, within my current lifestyle.
i sometimes say to MG, that i miss his Dominance, when for various reasons, we have had to move a little away from our M/s or because life has dictated to us that we have to, even for a short while and i feel this big hole in my life. It might last for an hour, or a day but it is so obvious to me that i have to say something. It consumed me for the duration and all i could do about it was to let it have the moment and wait for it to pass.
These "moods" occurred only of course when i was alone or more to the point, when i was away from MG's side and because of this i had assumed it was because i missed... as i have said, His dominance over me and i have said as much to him and then, just the other evening, after i had communicated this feeling once again to MG while he was at work, the realisation finally hit me.
There are always two side to any coin, and M/s is no exception... MG dominates, i submit to him, we come however, from different ends of the spectrum and met, somewhere in the middle, in our own way satisfying the needs of the other. Those needs are of course, different in as much as altho M/s in nature, their entire makeup comes from a different place and are satisfied by a different happening... mine, to be submissive and therefore a need to serve and see to it that i am giving of myself to the best of my ability. MG's to dominate and receive my submission and all that entails.
But i digress.... so what is this startling revelation, this shining light that has created the spark
It occurred to me that what i was missing was not the Dominant force, because that i never loose, its always with me because M/s is very much a mindset, its in my head, its with me very second of every minute. No, it isn't Dominance, but its the ability to submit that i miss.
Without MG here, without me being in his presence, i find it hard to submit to a blank space, an empty chair, without MG being here to say the words, or give the look, or even not say anything, i am lost as to where to direct my submissive nature, even for a short time.
Silly... maybe but i really find it hard to bring up the submissive nature that is what makes me who i am when i don't have a dominant force to use that submission, if you understand and now i can also understand how very hard it must be for subs who have for some reason or another, lost their Master, having had the force they find themselves without it and have to cope still. It must also be hard for those of a submissive nature who are still searching for that dominant force in their lives to continue totry and find that one who will fill that void in them.
i certainly know that, even for the short time i sometimes have to be away from MG, that i miss him and what he gives to me, far more than i ever imagined i would.
Hurry Home Sir ... miss you xoxox
Sunday, August 28, 2005
We had some time..the children were away for a couple of days and as this had been building up since the time of my outburst, i guess MG had had the time to think about what he intended to do that would focus my mind a little more than usual.
It is well documented that i am a pain slut, i get off on pain, its a pleasurable experience for me and one that we have used on many occasions to send me off into my own space where i can float around to my hearts content on a tide of euphoria, so pain isn't usually something MG will use as a punishment or discipline tool.
However..the unexpected did occur and once again, without all the details... i can say that in an instant, a flash i am taken to the very limit of my pain barrier, with no warning or preparation and held there while it is explained to me that if this does not focus my mind on my behaviour of the last week, then the lasting effects of the administration will, and as the pain rushes through my body i am totally focused on who and what i am and where i have gone wrong and what i must do to make sure it doesn't happen again. The pain is without a doubt, a major focal point for anyone, pain slut or otherwise and it certainly brings you to a place where your thoughts are only on the voice that is telling you why you are here and that if you do not wish to be here again, a curbing of some behaviour trait is called for.
And i can say without a doubt that that is exactly what has occurred, for after some 3 days, parts of my body are still fully aware of the trauma that it suffered that night and as the pain floats over my body during the days that followed i am constantly reminded of my wrong doings and that i have had to be disciplined by my Master and that that is staying with me for more than the moment of infliction to remind me on a higher level than just a quick short sharp shock.
And will i forget in a hurry, i don't think so.
And will i recall the incident, you bet your life i will
And all the while it doesn't matter what it took out of me.. how much it hurt.. or anything.. or how much i exhibited myself... if MG felt he needed to do what he did..and in doing so has some pride in me as his slave.. its all worth while and no amount of pain will make me think otherwise..
i deserved what i got and in taking my punishment ...i might become a better slave..who knows..but at least, on this occasion....i know i did wrong and hopefully..i will learn from this and it wont happen again.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
The kids are off school, MG is on his 3rd of 4th night shift, i have had a really sore face following a bite or something that caused me to look like i had gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and that required a visit to the doctors and a course of antibiotics. On top of all that the kids have got a new Sims game and trying to get near a PC in this house is almost impossible.
So why am I telling you all this, well, in keeping with the kids, PC's etc theme, the shift key on MGs keyboard had gone haywire and the logical course of action was to get a spare one down from the loft where the bits of PC's are stored these day.
Unfortunately, that requires someone to go up into the loft., which requires the getting of and assembly of, ladder.... which normally MG would do but..... i am not renowned for being patience.
Lets just say, because there really is no justification for my actions, because whatever my reasoning was at the time, was no excuse. i could make a fair good case on my behalf for why i did what i did but at the end of the day, shouting at ones Master and telling him to leave you alone and let you be while you struggle with ladders and loft hatch etc.... really isn't on however fraught or distressed or at the end of a tether one might be.
But, that's what i did... at the top of my voice, with gusto and force and then struggled to complete the extrication of the keyboard, but in doing so i had gone against my Master, against his wishes and on top of that, spoken to him with a huge amount of disrespect and lack of manners. No excuse for that at all and i would be the first to agree now but at the time, stress, strain, kids, moans about shift keys from all quarters, i just wanted to get the damn keyboard and have done with it.
Still, that is no excuse for screaming at MG and now, with hindsight i can see that but in a fit.... well, what can i say.
MG had "something to say" today, and come the weekend, when the kids are not here i am sure we will hear more about this incident which will be duly deserved.
Having said that i thought to myself today whether i will learn anything from this incident and that it would never occur again but i am not sure that i will. i am not sure even if MG punishes/disciplines me for this misdeamour whether, if a similar occasion arose, i would recall this one and remember the consequences. i can say without any doubt that while i was shouting, i did think about what i was doing, that i shouldn't be doing it but by that stage i was too far into my rage/annoyance etc to have a lot of control over my actions., that didn't stop me thinking about my role, my submission, my slavery to MG and that he had spoken and that i should do as he said but the slave in me was way out of reach and the self propelled female was in charge.
Its not always possible to be submissive, sometime natural reactions take over and even we, the submissive natured one, blow a fuse and explode. The problem then is, what to do about it.
- Is exploding once in a while acceptable.
- Is there a limit at which it should stop or can it be let go totally.
- Should one be punished for a once in a while letting off of steam.
- Is there ever, any justification for such behaviour from a lifestyle slave.
i am just rather worried that i am too old and too long in the tooth to learn from this, and with hand on heart i cannot say that i shall come away from this with anything that would make a change in me because what we saw yesterday is a part of me that, altho not often seen... is a part of what makes me, me and as such sometimes might just have to be released.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
i got this from a friend and thought the message was so important that i wanted to share it with everyone I could.
A campaign encouraging people to enter an emergency contact number in their mobile phone's memory under the heading "ICE" (i.e. In Case of Emergency)! , has rapidly spread throughout the world as a particular consequence of the terrorist attacks in London.
Originally established as a nation-wide campaign in the UK, ICE allows paramedics or police to be able to contact a designated relative / next-of-kin in an emergency situation.
The idea is the brainchild of East Anglican Ambulance Service paramedic Bob Brotchie and was launched in May this year. Bob, 41, who has been a paramedic for 13 years, said: "I was reflecting on some of the calls I've attended at the roadside where I had to look through the mobile phone contacts struggling for information on a shocked or injured person.
Almost everyone carries a mobile phone now, and with ICE we'd know immediately who to contact and what number to ring. The person may even know of their medical history."
By adopting the ICE advice, your mobile will help the rescue services quickly contact a friend or relative - which could be vital in a life or death situation. It only takes a few seconds to do, and it could easily help save your life. Why not put ICE in your phone now?
Simply select a new contact in your phone book, enter the word 'ICE' and the number of the person you wish to be contacted. Further reading from another email.
The idea is that you store the word "I C E" in your mobile phoneaddress book, and against it enter the number of the person you would want to be contacted "In Case of Emergency".
In an emergency situation ambulance and hospital staff will then be able to quickly find out who your next of kin are and be able to contact them.
It's so simple that everyone can do it. Please do. For more than one contact name ICE1, ICE2, ICE3 etc."