Friday, December 31, 2004
The times we have said we would pay them a visit have never come to anything for all sorts of reasons but this time, a quick decision by Master and we are off on our journey. It was a spur of the moment thing rather than plan weeks and months ahead of ourselves which never works out due mainly to the way our days are so taken up with the more mundane aspects of life. Not a vast distance either, a couple of hours drive away, an advantage of being UK based, the distances are never that great and can be done in a relatively short space of time... no excuse then really, not to take advantage of a few free days over the holiday period.
What can i say about the visit, without making the pair of them quake in fear of what we might have thought about them. ( i jest, because i know they will read this blog so i am winding them up really)
We laugh and joke on a daily basis, we talk and chat about life problems, helping out if at all possible, we are there always for each other and that's before we had even met real life. Finally able to put faces to chat nics, to the person behind the hours and hours of online conversation is great, it brings it all into the realms of reality, not that they were ever not real before as we have spoken often on the phone but to meet face to face and spend a few hours in each other company is great and a pleasure for me (i hope for them also).
What did we do, nothing really, talked, relaxed, had a meal, drank loads of tea and enjoyed finally being able to sit in the same space in time. But the depth of the relationship is now far more than it was before, for with reality comes a closer bond, the ability to "know" these people, they are now more than names on a screen, far more, and i for one hope that this bond grows further over time.
Of course, the chat was a lot about D/s and the way each couple lives and what floats their/our boats but there was no pretence, no trying to prove a point or make an impression, i think we have got long past that idea after 2/3 years of talking online, we were all, just ourselves and i know i can say, when the door was opened to us, it was like greeting a friend we hadnt seen for a while, for me there was no nerves in meeting for the first time and that i think was because, altho it is true that we have never actually being in each others company prior, it felt like, feels like, we have known these people forever and that this meeting was just a catch up on lost time.
My blogs tends to have some underlying motive, some gem of an idea that comes from most of the things that i write about, but right now, what that concept is i am not sure as i have yet to find a hidden reason or resource to come out of this visit other than to say, finally i have met these people who have become something of a major part of my social circle. Ahhh but you may say, they are only online friends, the chances of anything that constitutes their way of life, having any bearing on mine is unlikely, but you would be very wrong if you made that assumption. Online or not, these people are real, have real lives, real situations, real ups and downs and because they are friends, albeit online (until now) i care, they care, we care for one another, we worry, we try to help one another out, and talk, well.... they can talk for England !!
i guess what i really wanted to say in this blog was, thanks you two, for the opportunity to finally met you and for the hospitality afforded to MG and myself, you know where we are if and when, take care both (k)
Saturday, December 25, 2004
"Master / Slave does not by default refer to the enslavement of Africans. It's accurate for hard drives. One drive controller controls the other. I doubt that the slave drive cares".
"So how come it's returned to semi-mainstream vocabulary. I don't mean using it in D/s situations because that's a whole area the mainstream is not ready for and by its nature, politically incorrect anyway."
End Quotes from various sources.
i don't feel politically incorrect in the way i choose to live my life and as with so many things that relate to those choices, all i can say is that if these people put half the energy they put into defining what is and is not offensive into working on getting along with other people the world would be a much better place. Far to many people make rash judgments about the population at large and in doing so, categorise all sorts of lifestyle choices that do not fall into the mainstream as being wrong or twisted or even, dare i say it perverted and yet, the life i have chosen to live hurts nor harms no one and in fact could be said to be a way of life that has a lot of advantages over some of the ones that are considered "acceptable"
Dont get me wrong here, D/s or M/s is never going to be perfect because it is made up of human beings and we are not perfect, there will always be those who do not follow the unwritten guidelines that many of us accept as the way in which this lifestyle is meant to be based on, The safe, sane and consensual ethos that is the mainstay of everything we do, there will always be those with hidden agenda's that cause those on the outside of D/s to have cause to criticise the way we choose to live. Thats only human nature, as i say, nothing is perfect but for those with serious intent, we try to live a way of life that is pleasing to us and in doing so have found something that works outside the mainstream and whether politically correct or not, it does work if you put into it, what you wish to get out of it.
As to the "Mainstream" being ready for the lifestyle many many choose to live, i wonder who makes the assumption that by its nature, D/s is politically incorrect because you can bet your bottom dollar it isn't anyone who lives this way because for those of us who do, we feel that the nilla way of life leaves a lot to be desired and that many many D/s couples live a far cleaner and purer existence that an awful lot of "normal" relationships.
MG and i rarely argue, we have no need for lies and deceit, we are totally honest and open with one another about all and every aspect of our lives. He has no need to fob me off with some weird and wonderful reason for his late home coming etc because as Master, he says he will be late and i would reply, "What time shall i have you dinner ready Sir"
i would no more question his decision on this or any aspect of how we live any more than i would go out and spend a fortune without his knowledge or permission, lie to him about what i have or have not been doing, blame someone else for my shortcomings etc. How many people can say they live such a life that is without the need for all the scheming and juggling with emotions and feelings of their partner for their own ends.
How many nilla couples will be spending their Christmas in front of the television so that they can block out the nagging wife or the drunken hubby , how many will sit there and claim to be happy when really what they want to do is go and meet the bit on the side that the wife/hubby knows nothing about, how many are just sitting there, in the comfort zone because its easier to stay than to leave and find the happiness that each of us really deserve in our lives.
Well, its not like that for us, the honesty, the trust that is found within a D/s or M/s relationship cuts out the need for any of that, if that trust is broken, then the M/s has gone as well and because that is acknowledged and each know that that is how it is, it just doesn't happen, not within an established real life M/s way of life, well, certainly not in mine it doesn't.
Oh yes, some might say, Open your eyes cleo, it cant be that perfect, but let me tell you folks, it is... Of course, we have the normal mundane, nitty gritty problems that everyone else has but we deal with those in a slightly different way than many couples, they will be discussed and mulled over and a possible solution found but at the end of the day the decision will be MG's, if there is something that needs to be done, He will decide when and how, if we are invited out, he will make that decision too and even down to what i will wear, no need for the big flap about that, no need for me to ask if i look ok and have him mutter something from the other room that says nothing at all really but might keep me happy even if i look awful, His decision, His choice, but then it would be, as all the clothes i own, He has picked out so i am never going to wear something he disapproves off. There will never be an argument about what to watch on the television or what film to go and see, He will make that decision also... that is what an M/s life is about, the sub/slave given that right over to her Master, that's what we as sub/slaves commit too if we are serious and genuine in our need to submit to another's control.
MG's taste in music is not always the same as mine and yet i will listen to his choice because it pleases him and that is what i am after, to see he is pleased and as such, if he wants to listen to Deep Purple, so be it. No argument from me. If he wants a certain dinner, then that's what we have, i might make suggestions, i might say what we have in that he can choose from, but its his choice, there is no need for any big bangs or blow ups because i give him the right to make the choices for us both and i have trust and faith in him enough to know that whatever he decides will be, not only in his best interest but in mine also. He has never once abused that trust and i am pretty sure, knowing him as i do, that he never will.
Now that's trust folks, can you say the same ? Can you say that you have enough trust to put your life, literally in another's hands and know that you are safe and that that trust will not be abused? Do you have trust that your partner is 100% honest with you about every aspect of their lives ? i can.
Obviously, not all M/s relationships work on this level, but ours does and so do many that live a Power exchange, 24/7 way... nothing is every perfect but we try and will continue to try to make our life as near perfect (for us) as we can.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
The girls have their fathers side of the family they will wish to see and i would never stop them from doing that and as such, it takes some co-operation between myself and my Ex to arrange times and places and movements of the girls so that they have a good holiday season and an enjoyable one.
Christmas is a time for kids and just because their father and i are no longer together i don't see that is any reason to put obstacles in the way of their happiness and enjoyment. So he and i do try and make it work out so that the girls have the best of both world and we usually do that quite well. i am not one to use the kids and i tend to get along with him for their sakes and i have to say we seem to have worked it all out quite well over the last couple of years. A little time here, a little time there, just takes a bit of organising and co-operation on everyone's part. The main thing is to see that the children have as special a time as we can all make for them. Well that's the idea anyway.
Having made my little map of where and when, with whom and on what day, for the next two weeks, adding into that, when MG is home or off work and when he isn't, i have come to the conclusion that there is only one day or night during the entire 2 weeks when MG and i will be alone, that being Christmas day night, therefore affording us little if any M/s time together over the forthcoming 2 weeks.
The needs i have to serve my Master and i am not talking sexually here but my general need and desire to kneel before him, to react and behave like the slave i am, to wear his slave collar, to be here for his pleasure as and when he requires me to be, is not always an easy thing to do when the children are around and we have tended to keep those times more for when we are alone. It works better that way, without the need to worry about the children and what bearing if any our actions might have on them, so we prefer to keep that side of our relationship well out of their way as we are sure it is best for all concerned.
Thats unfortunately doesn't leave a lot of room for maneuver this next couple of weeks and i am a bit perturbed by that, my desires don't just go away, they cannot just be pushed to one side to long periods of time, on previous occasions when we have had to do that by force of circumstances, we always see a drop in my submissive attitude and a lowering of my self esteem when i cannot perform my duty's as slave to MG.
i add again, i am not referring to the sexual side of our relationship but more the needs of MG's to be dominant and mine to be submissive which altho that runs right through our daily lives, when the children are at their fathers usually, we have a chance to get deeper into that frame of mind and of course, interact in a different way towards one another than we would normally do when the children are at home.
Try as i might to juggle dates and times, i have yet to find that much needed window of opportunity that would allow us, even for a short period of time, to slip into the M./s mode that makes us who we are.
Time will tell, who knows, something may come up, i do hope so...
Saturday, December 18, 2004
But, it has been missed rather a lot lately, in fact it has dried up completely these last few weeks and it suddenly occurred to me today that i had not been making the effort to write it up as i should. Now if i had even missed one day before MG would have pulled me up over that and pointed out that the journal had not been completed so you came imagine my thoughts when i looked today and found that no entry had been made since early December and even more so that Master had not said a thing about it. Whereas, in the past he would have bought such a slip up to my attention straight away, pointing out that it was part of our M/s, that we had both agreed, that the journal would be completed daily. Having made this discovery, i had decided that i would write an entry during today so that MG would see it later and hopefully the subject would come up for some sort of debate but i have to be honest and say i really didn't know what i was going to write or how he would react to the revelation so i sort of put it off again and again, not really sure even how to approach the subject.
i could, i thought,
- write the entry knowing he would at some point get a mail (that's how the journal is set, sends a mail to Masters inbox when an entry is made) and in that entry explain why the journal had not been kept up ( do i have a good reason tho)
- i could do nothing and hope he hadn't/didn't notice as he hasn't for at least a couple of weeks or so i thought and just carry on regardless and wait for him to say something.
- if i did either of the above, would i just be asking for trouble in that i was admitting i hadn't done what had been asked of me and which i know has always been a requirement.
- Grab the bull by the horns and openly confess my lack of obedience regarding the journal and be ready to take the consequences for my lack of action.
None of the above gave me a lot to work with but i was very aware that i really needed to sort this and putting it off wasn't going to make it any easier the longer i left it.
- Its not as if i didn't know i hadn't made any entries, for 3 years now i have done my journal daily, its not something i can really say i forgot about.
- It has been very much an integral part of our development and has always been a main stay of our daily lives.
- Is there really a good excuse !!!
- Am i in big trouble here ?
- Why hadn't MG said anything?
- Was he waiting for me to confess my disobedience?
- Better fess up..no getting away from it !!!
Time and again i ran various entries around my brain, how to explain, what to explain even. Once or twice i opened the journal at the page, sat ready to write and still didn't get anywhere, not really even knowing where to begin. I'd close it down, reopen it, try again and still, by 3pm i had nothing to show for my days worry. Not one single word. Not anything that i felt would justify my disobedience in not completing one of the very first and longest running tasks that my Master had set for me so long ago.
Now, here's a thing... most days i'll write a blog, sometimes its M/s related, sometimes its about something that's happened in my life, sometimes its about nothing in particular, but when i do write, i feel i usually have something to say on some subject that has stirred me into action. i had begun to have difficulty in making the journal entry along side the blog and what i had started to find was that they were becoming cardon copies of each other with maybe a few more personal details in the journal that i felt were not for public consumption. Why waste the effort to write the same thing twice i had thought, do one or another but not both as MG was reading the same thing in both entries so there really wasn't any point in making the two entries... but... the journal was a requirement, the blog wasn't... one would therefore assume that it should be the journal that got the attention, not the blog, ahhh but me being me, i have to do it the other way around and keep the blog up and let the journal slip... Bad slave, nawty slave..grrrrrrrrr
Oh confess you silly slave, throw yourself at your Masters feet, reveal all and take whatever punishment is coming your way. So i did....!!!! not in written form, but face to face, one on one, i told MG about the journal..or lack of.. and
Do you know what......
He knew it wasn't being written and in his words... it doesn't really matter because what he needs to see or know about regarding my mood or frame of mind or what might be running around my slavelike brain, he can read in my blog. If its more personal and something that he wont find in these pages he would far rather we talked about, you know, in front of one another, open and verbal... speaking, communicating, talking to one another about any little problems we might have.. who needs to see it written in a journal entry... if it needs saying, if it needs discussing then he and i should be doing that together, face to face, real time... communication... the cornerstone of any good relationship be it M/s or otherwise.
So we talked and we moved forward a little more into the Power exchange, maybe not as some would see it but in our way, in the way that works for us. In open and honest communication between Master and slave, where all aspects of who we are is open and upfront, be that how each are coping with life in general, what makes one see red, green pink or blue.. in real time, real voice, to be heard, not seen on a computer screen or in some far off, non descript computer generated journal that is cold and lifeless. Why write it there when i can turn and stand in front of my master and say "Sir, ......" and know i will be heard and that what i have to say will be listened to, discussed and usually, if its a problem, resolved in the same space in time as it was openly discussed... not write it down, wait 4 hours till Master has time to read it, wait for him to write his reply and so on...
i am slave to MG, we live this day by day, as such it is surely only right and proper that as part of the Power exchange we are able to come to one another and speak freely about all aspects of our daily lives. If we cant, if that doesn't happen..then..Something is very wrong.
You might say that it was wrong for both of us to not have resolved this problem before, for me to have spoken about it sooner, for MG to have said something even if it was, its ok not to write the journal, or that he was aware i had let it slip, that way at least i might not have had to go through today worrying..and of course you would be correct, but, we are not perfect, we make errors of judgment like anyone else but we usually resolve those before they become huge stumbling blocks and that what we did today. So the journal will be archived for a while, not deleted and i shall maintain the blog for public viewing and the rest...well... thats between Master and i .
Friday, December 17, 2004
.....i just had to put that in because i think its lovely and it sets the Christmas spirit which i have to say seems to be beginning to boil up a little bit here in the South of England and more so in our home.... the flat is decorated, the tree is up and the lights sparkle and tinkle and make the girls smile...the advent calendars are nearly all open as each days brings them closer to the time when all those parcels under the tree, that took me so long to wrap, will be ripped open and the joy and pleasure on my lil ones faces will make all the effort worth while.
Looks like Master will get a few days holiday as well..as his meany boss has conceded and is to close up shop for a few days over the festive season..so we will have some time together which will be really good as at one point we even thought he might have to work right over the whole Christmas period.
But this evening, i am alone, the kids are at their fathers, MG is at work and here i sit, in a drafty flat, the only sound is the wind howling around outside as the weather has turned somewhat into the winter that we knew would arrive, pouring rain, howling winds and not a spec of snow.... oh for some snow at Christmas....
In my childhood, we always had snow at Christmas time, it was what made the season what we have all come to expect, but no more, what with global warming and the shift in the weather patterns around the world, snow in the UK and even more so in the south is rare. My youngest at 10 years old, has seen snow once in her lifetime and that didn't last more than a few hours before it turned to slush.
Those friends we have in the states, tell us of mountains 4, 5, 6 feet deep and complain of how it also disrupts their way of life, of digging out cars and bad road conditions so i guess that i really shouldn't complain as really, it has been proven time and time again that the grass isn't greener or the snow any whiter on the other side of the fence.
We have what we have, we are what we are and we should all be grateful for what we are given in life and stop with the moans and groans about what others may have that we might desire because at the end of the day our grass or snow is just that, ours and we should be happy with what we have.
That also applies to our lives, making the most of what we have, not bemoaning about what we do not have. i of course am as bad as the next, i wail and moan about how little time i have with MG or how cold it is or how much i miss our one on one time and yet, as i am sure i have said before, i should count myself lucky that i have a master who adores me, two fine and healthy children, a roof over my head, food in my belly.... there are so many who are far worse off then i, in many aspects of their lives, how can i complain really...!!!
My Christmas will be one that may not be as grand or as indulgent as some but i am sure it will be a vast improvement on that of another Mother and children in some remote , far off corner of the world and i do consider myself to be lucky in that i do have these things that many wont be seeing this year.
- Take joy and happiness in what you have that makes your life what it is
- Don't waste your time wishing for the things you do not have.
- Remember, somewhere, someone has even less than you.
A Merry Christmas to you all, may your festive season be all you hope it will be.
* There is much reference the the correct spelling of the reindeer named... Donder/Donner therefore to save confusion and for those who may be interested in why i have spelt it as i have, i include this foot note.
What are the names of Santa's reindeer?
The question of spelling regarding Donner/Donder. The reference is to "Thunder and Lightning" ergo, Donner und Blitzen (in German). Donder en Bliksem (in Dutch)
Since Clement Clarke Moore wrote 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' with reference to Dutch literature according to http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/weekly/aa121097.htm, the correct spelling is most likely Donder and Bliksem and not Donner and Bliksen.
Authors and businessmen are at the bottom of Santa’s ungulate fixation. Washington Irving’s “A History of New York” had Saint Nicolas riding on a horse with a wagon. Fifteen years later, in 1821, a poem called "Santeclaus" provided the jolly one with a sleigh drawn by a single reindeer. The venerable “The Night Before Christmas” added depth to his reindeers by giving them names,"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!", and describing the way in which Saint Nicholas (who was an elf at this point hence the miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer) shimmies out of houses. And -- no joke -- a controversy still exists as to whether “Donner” or “Donder” is the true name of the seventh reindeer. (Senator Robert J. Dole (R-Kansas) allegedly called for an investigation on this extremely critical issue.)
So it was. For over a hundred years, Santa had eight reindeers. Then, in 1939, a Chicago-based chain of department stores (Montgomery Wards)gave him a ninth. The company asked one of their copywriters to write a Christmas story as a promotional gimmick. Robert L. May’s Rudolph was not actually the offspring or even a distant cousin of Santa’s existing reindeer, he was from an “ordinary” reindeer village outside of the North Pole (read: wrong side of the tracks). And unlike Johnny Marks’ famous song, Rudolph was very much loved by his parents, and only minimally subjected to ridicule. Moreover, he wasn’t hand-picked by Santa because of his shiny nose. Santa discovered him by accident, when he noticed the glow under the red-nosed reindeer's door while delivering presents to his house -- aw, even animals get gifts! Weatherman Claus had noticed the fog earlier in the evening and, feeling that it would lead to delays and accidents, gave Rudolph the rags-to-riches story his nose deserved. Upon their successful return home, Santa said: "By YOU last night's journey was actually bossed. Without you, I'm certain we'd all have been lost!"
And then there were nine.
P.S. Until 1931, when Coca-Cola made him human-sized with the classic red and white suit in their illustrations, Santa remained an elf. Now that’s a promotion.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
What has this to do with my blog and/or where does my standing as slave to MG come into this apart from the fact that as parents we must support the efforts of our children in whatever manner we can, be that school functions or extra curricula activities, not as Master and slave but in the roles we have as adults and parents and that too is a part of who we are and will always be. (The netball matches are always held on the coldest or wettest days i have found)
But this year, i had to go to the Carol Concert without my Master beside me as he had to work this evening and that meant that as it was right for me to attend my lil ones concert, i had to go alone. And that caused me some consternation and left me feeling empty and very alone.
Now this is rather odd for me, the experience of going alone somewhere, as i normally either go with MG or i don't go at all and i have become very used to that. There are not many events that require my attendance that haven't worked out so that we can go together so this evening was a rarity and one i hope that doesn't happen too often as i wasn't at all happy going without MG . I have become quite dependent on him being there with me, as a guide, as a support, as my Master in all things and i now find it quite disconcerting to have to do these things alone.
i am quite capable of making these little excursions, i have always done it in the past, in fact, in the eleven years that i have attending this particular function i would think i have gone alone to at least half of those and yet, this year, i felt the lost, the need to have MG beside me and something even funnier was that it was dark and i never go out in the dark or if i have too, its never without MG.. how silly is that, im 49 years old and i don't go out in the dark alone !!!
i guess i have become pretty dependent on MG for all sorts of things and his holding my hand, literally and metaphorically is one of those lil dependencies that i have become very use too and now feel a little lost without.
i am not sure if that is good or bad to be honest, that i rely on him so heavily, that i am so dependent on having him walk beside me in so many basic aspects of my life but i also think that its because of the closeness and the M/s relationship that we have that this sort of thing will happen. The restrictions i have on me, by design and by the way we choose to live our lives places me in a position of being dependent on his word and permission to do so many things that i have given up the right and need to choose for myself or to do things without him being there.
Unfortunately there are going to be times when he cannot be with me therefore i must still be able to function as a single unit sometimes but that has become less and less and i suppose that is why, when it does happen, i find it a difficult exercise to do. However, its not something i relish or that i would want to do on an regular basis and i hope i don't have too.... i am slave, i choose not have to make decisions for myself, i give that over to my Master and in doing so i have come to rely on him to make those choices for me, even down to what i wear and where i go. Thats what being his slave means and i give it gladly and i know he holds that responsibility willingly. So the difficulty come when he isn't here to tell me what to wear or when to go out or when to be back etc altho i did have to text before, during and after my evening so that he was fully aware of my whereabouts and that i was safely home afterwards which gave me some sense of well being anyway.
Still, i did what i had to do and my lil one had her mother close at hand to hear her sing and play and that too, is an important aspect of who i am, working to the best of my ability as MG's slave and mother to my children. They are my life, as much a part as Master is and as a family unit we usually work these things out so that everyone's needs are fulfilled and i think i managed to get the balance right this evening even tho it meant i had to take the bull by the horns and brave, yes brave going alone because its become a bit like that, i have to steel myself to do these things now, they are no longer natural to me. i am not independent, i was, but i gave that up a long time ago.
Thank goodness we still have a few human beings around because when the broadband connection goes haywire, no machine can fix that, its down to the little man at the exchange to flick this or that switch which was what was required to bring our ADSL back online after some 3 days of no internet. Was i worried, well, not terribly, however, it did prove to me a couple of things...
- i am not a chat addict. i really didn't miss that side of my pc time that much.
- i am however, pretty dependent on a net connection for about every other aspect of my life. Be that, our personal banking, train time tables, dictionary, information centre, news, weather, in fact about every thing we do, we do via the internet. E Bay, shopping, keeping in touch with friends, all via the net, there is little or no need to even leave the comfort of my home.
- My blog caused me more ruffles than not being about to chat as i couldn't post my usual banter for a few days
- The kids were lost and had to do their homework in pen and paper for a change, without the use of net pages and info
Of course..there will always be the bad apple in any barrel and i have had my fair share of those too..the twisted, the warped, the liars and the cheats...they will always be around but i think that over my time on the net i have gained an insight into how people work and i can spot a fraudster a mile off, which is an advantage.
i am also empathic which means i can feel the genuine and the not so and i can usually tell when i am being lied to and when i am not and it has been said that cleo is not often wrong, so i do get some things right every now and then.
Its a bit of a shame tho that i cannot take that empathy and use it to my own advantage, to feel those things that might have some bearing on me and mine, but it has always been said and is well noted that these "gifts" that we are empowered with are never meant to be used for our own gain and as such it isn't something that i have ever felt the need to use, in fact, now i come to think about it, i have not once ever considered using it for my own ends, i wonder why not, maybe because i know somewhere deep down inside me that it wasn't given to me for that reason.
i seem to have this drawing force around me, that bring people to me for whatever reason, strangers who call to me, or do i call to them, i am not sure, but when the call is heard or answered, its usually for a reason and it usually has an end result that is of some benefit to all concerned. Well i hope that's how it turns out because if it doesn't, then i am probably using my gift badly and that would never do.
i seem to be a magnet that draws people to me from out of nowhere, for no apparent reason, they don't know why they are attracted to me nor i to them and yet, if we talk for a while, it usually becomes obvious that either one or the other has some snippet or some need to be a part of the circle i turn in and that as a result, some good comes out of the meeting.
i have experienced some strange meetings on the net with people who have sought me out, who have been pulled in my direction, they don't know why, they cannot explain it yet they know, they have this desire to come to where i am, not even to talk or to seek me out, but to be in the vicinity of this force i seem to radiate.
i have to say that sometimes, its a weird and scarey feeling, to have a stranger tap you on the cyber shoulder and say hi, why i am here i don't know, but i had to come. And that's happened so many times yet i am still not used to that but when it has, i seem to instinctively know no fear or have any doubt about why they have come.
Odd you might say and i cannot deny that it is and yet, hand on heart, this happens and has happened many times and each time it does it warms me beyond imagination.
Some one came to me, out of the blue and i hope that i can hold her hand if that is why she has come and in doing so, help her over some difficult times she may be having, To her, if she reads this i would like to say, Happy Birthday. May the light you see in your lil one eyes, warm you and show you that he is still with you and will always be so, for as long as you see him in her, you have not lost him.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
A bit under the weather i am right now, due mainly to my own stupidity as i know what i should and shouldn't eat but i get carried away sometimes and then suffer for hours because of it. A friend told me that it is probably due to years and years of bad diet and my habit of starving myself one day and pigging out the next. Now, at my age, its beginning to have a major impact on my daily life as i now have some trouble in eating a proper meal and keeping it down or at least, being comfortable with it. i think i have the solution tho and that is to eat little and often as i cannot seem to digest a full meal all at once. i just have to get into the habit that's all... give me time and i am sure i can resolve this.
Apart from the food problem, i also think i am beginning to see some of the effects of that time in a females life when the body clock beings to wind down and all the hormones start playing havoc with the system, little things that one begins to notice were not there before, like swollen fingers and of course the hot/cold flushes, the night sweats, the lack of a seem benefit from a nights sleep... if i can sleep through the night that is.
All in all i am not feeling great at present and what with Christmas nearly here, things still have to be done and i haven't got the energy to do them.
MG is on his 4 of a 5 day shift , i seemed to have spent a lot of alone time these last few days and to be honest..my escape is to sleep it off if i can which is what i am going to do now.
Sorry for a crap blog but i didn't want to leave it too long without writing something.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
i have just finished a wrapping marathon, trying to get the gifts sorted and away from prying eyes and mischievous fingers, i use more sellotape than one would think possible, just to secure each fold so that under no circumstances can an edge be lifted.... it makes for a more enjoyable run up... if they cant get at what's under the paper.
i try not to disappoint them each year.. sometimes i know i have got it totally wrong, other, i see the thrill and joy on their faces and know that that year.. i hit the nail right on the head. Yet each run up to the event leaves me in fear that i might just have made a big boo boo and gone right of track. Yet i keep on trying and hoping that, with the innocence of youth, which isn't with them for long, they are allowed to enjoy these happy times and that the festive season is all they could hope for.
So, the mother in me kicks in and that is the thought behind this blog for today, that of trying to resolve the inner conflict that i sometimes have of the role of slave to my Master and that of Mother/Dominant force to my children. It is never that easy believe me, switching in and out of these roles as the need arises and i have to say a thank you to my two girls who afford me the space that i sometimes need when trying to deal with both elements of my life.
My desire sometimes to serve my Master comes into conflict with my role as Mother in as much as i am pulled in two different directions and occasionally have to make a choice which way i jump first. MG will always say that the children are first and that is as it should be, and they will always have that attention any time they need it, however, my own conflict is that if i am perfectly honest about it...there are times when i really want to jump to Master but cannot because Mother always comes before my role as slave.
Of course.. We compromise, all of us and we get it sorted one way or another without to much fuss but again, i have to say that there are times when my burning desire is to serve my Master and i have this major battle on my hands.
The children are not a part of the way Master and i have chosen to live, and they have needs which must be met before either MG's or mine and i will always see that it is done that way... that does not stop me wanting to do completely the opposite and go with what i want. But its only a passing thought as i know i will always put my children before me or MGs... always, however, the underlying sub/slave in me... sometimes wants so badly to be with MG that i have to fight it and do what is right by my kids first and then find the time and resources to do what is right by my Master.
As a family, just us and the kids, together, sitting round the television or playing a game, no one would know we lived any differently to any other family, but deep within is always the slave which shines out when i interact with MG and the Mother when its with the girls. Switching from one to another in an instant if that is what is needed.
i hope i don't do too bad a job and that i am not failing any of them.... i can only give to each, what i have to give, i pray i have enough to go around
Monday, December 06, 2004
To intimidate people (little or otherwise) in this manner is to use what power you feel you have over them in order to get something.. maybe in order to feel more in control or more able to be seen to be in control and i find that to be so annoying and certainly not justifiable ... in this instance.. to instill fear in my child to get results or to be seen to have his class under control. He has tried on several occasions to tell me that my child (or any other) is not afraid of him but i am not convinced and now it is time to do something about it.
The use of fear tactics under any circumstances is not acceptable and altho in this instance i am talking about a child...dominated by a man in the guise of a teacher, who i guess is at least 40 something, i find that totally reprehensible and i am going to take this all the way to the top if i have too.... He has to be stopped. To dominate within the lifestyle is consensual on the part of both the parties involved and it has been said many many times before, that once it goes beyond the realms of consent, it becomes abuse... an abuse of power, an abuse of physical strength and in the instance of my child and her teacher... use of his intellectual prowess as well..... over a 10 year old.
Within D/s the use of the power exchange as stated, is consensual, and as such, both parties know from the outset, each others limits and/or expectations, they are more than likely to be of a similar mindset of the aspects of the lifestyle that both are willing to take part in and should have both agreed, prior to any deeper involvement, a pattern to the whys and wherefore of the relationship. What each are looking for within that relationship may differ considerable to what another couple might be looking for, but as a general rule, as long as those involve are consensual, then whatever they might decide, is for their choosing and no one has the right to tell then that they shouldn't be doing this or that..
The building of trust within a lifestyle relationship can take a while, but once it is established, as long as it isn't abused, it can be built upon until it is sufficient to enable the couple to move further into what it is that both seek.
My daughter it would seem, is not afforded that right.... i mean.. she is only 10 years old and has no ability to tell this jerk where to get off, instead, is now having to go about this scholastic year in fear and trepidation and watch her back at all times. What makes this different, other than the fact that she is only 10 and we are talking about an education system here, is that if this behaviour was viewed within a lifestyle context, people would be screaming "Abuse"
Well good people.....i am beginning to scream...not to loudly right now.....but boy oh boy...the man had better start watching his back because as i say..submissive i may be within a consensual relationship with Master...but where my children are concerned... i can and will be a force to be reckoned with.
i'll let you know how the saga continues.
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Like right now...i have just felt i had to leave the chat room as every remark seems to grate on my senses and in those circumstances.. Its best for all concerned that i leave before i say or do something that i will later regret or that will reflect badly on seekers.
But... In the light of a very recent mail i have received i have to say that i am lucky in what i have and really have little or no reason to complain about my lot in life. My submission to my Master is paramount and is the thread which runs through my life and as long as that remains in tact.. then all is well with my world and these off days can be counted as just that..off days when i am not at my best.
Tomorrow is another day, started new with the rising of the sun in the morning.....lets see what is in store for me...i am sure i will not be disappointed.
Friday, December 03, 2004
So you may ask..what could possibly have happened in such a short space of time to bring this slave once more to her knees.... well having overstepped the bounds of what is acceptable within our M/s relationship by not seeking permission or discussion on a comm change with Master, He felt rightly that some discipline was needed as i seem to be a bit of a loose cannon at present, going my own sweet way without thought to who i am ( a slave) and that i need to seek MGs approval on matters such as this. Altho we do not quite met here on the reasons for the discipline and i voiced my opinions on those reasons to Him, as His slave it is my duty to submit to His decision, which i have done.
In that one act, of bending and submitting to my Master's power and control, in that simple act i have been firmly put right back where i belong, at the feet of my Master, whom i love and adore and who is my life and my entire world... so i cannot complain.. it is after all the place i long to be.
But in the moment of submitting i can only think of the pain and the hurt i am feeling, not just the physical, but the mental and emotional pain that i have caused by even placing myself in a position that leads my Master to feel he has a need to discipline me in the first place and try as i might to focus on the reasoning behind the act, all that runs through my head is..what have i done, why am i reduced to being punished ... what was i thinking.. will i ever learn... all these thoughts and when i have time to reflect on each one...i guess that i am not perfect and i am going to make mistakes and if i do, it is MGs duty and responsibility to correct me, he would be failing in his position as my Master if he did not.
Anyway... having taken my punishment like a good slave, ( i lie, it reduced me to a blubbering heap as punishment always does and a very sore rear end to boot, which is currently causing me some discomfort as i type) i now feel that i am firmly back where i should be, at my Masters feet, under His control and in an attempt to keep myself there i have made some lil decisions of my own which i hope Master will approve of.
It is my intention to try and keep this "attitude" and have it flow through all that i do from now on, i shall try my best to remain focused on who i am in all aspects of my daily life. The only problem i can see with this is that i may cause some extra weight on MG which he really doesn't need right now... not as if he doesn't have enough pressure, what with work and lack of sleep etc.. in having His slave come to him on many points of her daily life which she would normally just go about without a second thought however, if that turns out to be case, in MGs' best interest i shall need to rethink how i can remain focused on who i am, more than i have been doing in the past.
i am slave, i want to be a slave but for so many years i have had to rely on myself to make some basic life decisions and i admit i sometimes find it hard to let that go and refer to MG on things that i have always just assumed and taking responsibility for. i have to learn.. or re learn that as His slave, i no longer need or should want to do that..its hard.. but i shall try and keep trying and if i make a mistake, if i err on the wrong side..i can only hope that MG will take the steps needed to see that i am brought back on track by whatever means he feels are in my best interest.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
So today, its about me and what is going on in my head right now, which as i say, some may feel isn't really worth a read, but here goes anyway.
MG has been home for 5 days, what a great 5 days too, we rarely get a chance to spend that much time together and i think i have been rather spoilt because it comes as a great big downer when he has to return to the grind and i go all flat and lifeless without him around. That's where i am right now, at about as low in the bottomless pit as i can be.
Why?.. who knows, the euphoria of having him around, the special times we have together, the one on one, the love making and M/s, all these things we have time to take part in and now, ziltch, nothing, mundane, boring, hum drum daily life resumes and to be honest, i don't know what to do with myself.
Oh i have my chores, the washing that's piled up while he has been at home, and lets not forget that pile will need ironing sooner rather than later, but i don't mean those kinds of thing, i mean my Master, his slave and all that entails has disappeared now that he is back on the work mode of life and as much as i appreciate that that is how it has to be, that doesn't make it any easier to come to terms with. You could say that i should be grateful for the time we had and truly, i am, but like most nice things in life, the more we have the more we want... and i want more and more... and the more i get, just makes me want and need and i cant have.
So lets get on with life and stop with the whinging you could say, you have it made cleo... and of course i couldn't agree more, i am aware, as i have been told on so many occasions, that i am very lucky to have what i have, in that i am in a stable, devoted M/s relationship, that my Master is one who many would give their eye teeth for, (not MG (he is mine, all mine) in particular but what it is that makes him a Dom ) that i am well cared for and loved and that the way in which we conduct our lives and how that reflects on us as a couple, is what many wish to attain.. and not many have found, and yet still, here i sit, while he sleeps off the effects of last nights 12 hour shift, readying himself for the next one this evening and i am lost without his input into my day. Is that sad, a grown woman, with most if not all of the daily chores to do, just like a million other housewives/ mothers/ partners and all i can do is moan about what i haven't got.
A question was asked in our comm yesterday about what it is that makes the M/s lifestyle so different from the vanilla style and i guess that what i am saying here might just be an answer to that question.
The life of a submissive/slave is totally intertwined with that of her Master, he is the focal point, the hub round which she turns, the pinnacle of her life and without his guidance, his input into her life she becomes only part of who she can be because her focus is missing, her reason for being who she is... it is seen so often when a M/s relationship comes to an end, that the sub is left floundering in a space where she has no idea of how to cope or manage, having become so use to having the constant input of her Dominant to guide a large majority of how she behaves, interacts with others, with him etc she no longer knows which way to turn... that is of course not to say that we are all brain dead or that we cannot function without the support of our Masters, not at all.. what it means is that subs prefer to have the constant input of their Doms, it is a major part of what living a M/s lifestyle is all about, that they give over so much of themselves into the relationship that when they are not called to do that, they have to find other means by which to pull themselves along the road of life, ways that they would prefer not to have to find. If that was how they wished to live the chances are they would not be a sub or be within the bounds of an M/s relationship, preferring to live a nilla life and all that entails. It may well be that as subs, it is a part of who we are, the need to have a focus, something to guide our time and our days, i know for sure that it is a need i have.
Had MG said to me that i must do this or that today, i would be in perfect fettle, i would have my focus, i would know where i was going within my submission, within my servitude to him even had the request been of no M/s bearing whatsoever, that he had made the request would be enough... the very fact that i had been given direction on which i could focus my day i would be right where i have a need to be..in service to my Master. Without that, i am lost, i admit it...
In my vanilla days, before M/s i had times when i had no purpose to my day and having experienced the tightness, even confinement to a degree, of the power exchange that is of my choosing, i have within my relationship with MG, found what i need, the control, the focus, the knowledge that i have a reason to do whatever it is i am doing, be it M/s or otherwise, because the direction is what i need, the driving force behind me is my Master. i seek always to do his bidding, to see that his every need is fulfilled to the very best of my ability...what then do i do when he has not got any particular need or that they have all been covered, where do i go from here i ask. Please myself maybe, do some of the things that i like to do and of course, that's a fair comment, but inevitably i come back to what makes me a slave, the need to please my Master, to see that he is happy and fulfilled and that everything that needs to be done to see that his life is the very best and the most comfortable that i can make it, is done.
He knows this, he is aware of who i am and what makes me tick, if he didn't, he wouldn't be a very good Dom and not the one for me, but he does and its what he committed too when he took me as his sub/slave, that he would be my focus, that everything i do is in relation to who we are and how we live. That my need to serve is far stronger than many other aspects of who i am. The desire to please, the need to give over to him a major part of me and in doing so, for him to take hold of that and guide it along. He took that on, sure, it may well be a burden to him sometimes, a heavy responsibility to carry, but that's what makes us Master and slave as opposed to a vanilla couple. Its who we are and how we chose to live our lives.
There are always going to be times when we don't quite fit together right, none of these of our making i might add, just outside influences having a bearing on how we live and its these usually that throw the spanners into the works and screw it all up and its like that today... if MG were awake, if he had no need to sleep, there is no doubt we would be as one, doing something that we both had a need to see finished or even begin something new, but the main thing would be that we would be together, as a team, as a couple.
Damn, first load of washing is done, best i get on with that now.... at least i have his socks to pair up ( in his service even the socks get my special attention .. heheh) ... and if i don't do it..no one else will..
Regards to you all, may your days be filled with purpose and your lives with joy and happiness, mine is, even tho i have days when i need to vent,....today being one of them