Monday, October 25, 2010


Communication is a key part of any relationship, especially a D/s one and i've always tried to be as honest as possible..

i'd like to think that along the way, i've worked Him out almost as completely as He has me . There are moments where i can see straight into His head and know what He's thinking, other times we fnish each other sentence, Sometimes i'll do something for Him and He'll sigh that it was just what He wanted, but i'm not always right. Knowing when to act on my gut and when to wait for Him to guide me is one of the challenges of slavery, because He doesn't always want to correct me when i anticipate His wishes, but He doesn't want a passive doormat either. That's why communication will always remain the number one priority for us, and i will never take His knowledge of me for granted.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Not even REMOTELY D/s.

My thoughts have been dwelling a lot lately on where we are now, where we've come from, and how we got here. It's such a wonderful thing to think about..

Basically, while our relationship is still very much a M/s relationship, the outward expression of M/s is not as necessary as it was in the very beginning.

Shocking, i know.

But that is what has happens we have settled into relationships. After many years (8+)...the fact is that we don't need to outwardly express what we are, simply because by living within the parameters set into place within the relationship,the control/submission is expressed daily, habitually, via the framework that Master built and set into place. Few people would ever know they were there unless they looked very hard to find them.

Probably 90% of our relationship will look "vanilla" because it IS "vanilla" in that there are hardly any outward expressions of M/s visible. We can relate as equals and you know what? It doesn't destroy what we have.

The only way we have been able to get to this point is because we liked each other as PEOPLE from the very beginning. We appeal to each other intellectually, emotionally, and in general. Yes, we do relate to each other in ways that aren't strictly D/s, or not even REMOTELY D/s.

i AM his slave and i always will be. The dynamic is there, it is strong and pure and very real. He controls what he wishes to control in my life, that, to me, is what being slave is all about.

i live my life, period. He can't live it for me, nor would he want to. He has his own life to live, and guess what?. Respecting each other as people, as a man and as a woman, as a friend, as a lover, as mature adults....that is the first cornerstone of any successful relationship, whether D/s or not.

Just because i am slave does not mean that i become useless as a human being for anything other than my Master's whim of the moment. Just because He is a Master does not mean that he becomes useless as a human being for anything other than exerting control over his slave.

D/s is so deeply and firmly embedded in our relationship, in how we live and who we are, that we just don't even really think about it anymore. We make no effort to .... i don't know, to specifically express D/s simply because we are a D/s couple, if that makes sense. It is there, believe me, and expressed in some very wonderful, special, meaningful ways...but never expressed to...prove something, i think is how i need to word it. We have nothing to prove to anyone about anything. We have already proven ourselves to each other, in the ways that count, and there is no need for it anymore.

It's just who we are>

Monday, October 18, 2010

Vice Versa

Even here, in this blog, when i have been going through my "silly" spells, i have tried hard to give an accurate picture of what it is like to be slave to a Master. i have always tried to put the good with the bad in my blog.
i am not the sort of slave who has a need to write up about every sexual experience Master and i take part in, our bedroom is just that ours. Beside there are literally hundreds of those kind of blogs around, mine doesn’t need to be fantasy of being tied, beaten etc, i don’t have a need to tell my readers if Master has clamped my nipples for 15 minutes or not or if he requires me to use any one of our dozen of toys in a certain manner. Those things are private. The mentality between a Master and slave is more interesting i believe. Thing are far far easier said than actually done ive found.
Master needs for me to be what i need to be, nothing but His, mind and body, with special attention to mind. Of course He values my body but mental Domination is as powerful, my mind, my thoughts, and my opinions - i am not a robot, or a "mindless blob". But at the core, i am totally His....not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. This is so deeply fulfilling i can't even begin to explain it. This is what a real D/s relationship is, not only “whips and chains”.

Total commitment on both sides, to fulfil the role as defined ...... to the deepest extent we are able to do so. For me to be as mentally submissive as He is mentally Dominant. And vice versa, it will always and has always been a two way street, a give and take, i forget that some times.

Sunday, October 17, 2010


i began to believe that there is no way Master could still want me crippled and getting older., i felt that i couldn't do anything right, much less be a good slave to this Man. i wasn't giving Him credit for being understanding, and yes, i was seeing from my own perspective. But i am realising that He sees not circumstances....He sees me. Such a simple, but dramatic, concept....if one doesn't "get it"....i will learn, to get over this deep seated fear of rejection that I’m carrying.

I realise now that i am more than sexual fulfilment to You. i am totally and completely Yours, i am sure that i still hold some really negative thoughts -that will probably be with me for always, i dont think i can change that, i do tend to cling to my old things with a passion, but thats a part of who i am.
Thank You, Master, for so much. For loving me , the good and the bad

Thursday, October 14, 2010

i need !!

i need clearly defined limits. i will need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways i am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so i know how far i can go and feel secure inside those limits. i will need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when i try to climb them without Your approval.

I need You to be consistent. i will need to know You mean what You say and that today's rules will apply to tomorrow's behaviour. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You will give me. From time to time i may test You to see if You still accept control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You've chosen for me. It will not done to try Your patience but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to me. Very often it will not be done consciously and i promise I'll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.

I need to expand my limits. i need to be challenged. Left on my own, i become bored or stagnate within the boundaries i accepted in the beginning. i need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I've been. i may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I'm unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. i will depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.

I need You to teach me. i need to learn. My mind is still hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that i can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.

I need goals. i am very goal-oriented. Without Your direction i will quickly become lost so i look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as i continue in my development as Yours..

I need to be corrected. i need You to correct me when i make mistakes. Without Your correction i will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals. Without Your correction, i may never know I've made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. i admire firmness in correction and will feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You've set for me.

I need Your approval and reassurance. i will need to know when You approve of me or what I've done and to know i belong to You even if i fall short of my goals. i sometimes confuse approval with disapproval if You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. i will constantly be seeking Your approval when I'm unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I'm confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.

I need to be able to express myself. i have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. i will fear Your rejection and will hate disappointing You, so i may need a little space and time to voice all the things i need to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren't something You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I'm upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings there can be only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that i can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.

I need to learn from my mistakes. i need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. You may struggle with allowing me to be hurt but i need to learn the consequences of what I've done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. i will need Your comfort once I've faced my failure but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears.

I need forgiveness when i fail. Nothing hurts me more than to know i've failed or displeased and i need to be forgiven once I've made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrongdoing and i may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse i am carrying. i may even need to be punished, if my wrongdoing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. i will depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.

I need to feel i contribute. i have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, also. i may need to give of myself to those i hold dear but You will always receive the best i have to offer.

I need to enjoy successes. Without experiencing and enjoying my successes i may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the pleasure of savouring the taste of victory when i overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts. All of my successes will belong to You and i need to share their rewards with You. i don't expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I've reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don't deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I've achieved a goal You've set.

I need to share with You. Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual &sexual aspects of my being as well as the physical body i inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings but those are the things i need to share the most. I'll depend on You to direct me in ways i can achieve total openness with You. i also need to share in the things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles. I'll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.

I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your ownership. No matter how well I've done or how miserably I've failed, i need to know I'm still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all i am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if i fall short of the target. i need to be loved and to love in return. i can't survive without it.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


Following on from Mondays post about asking permissions, i guess humiliation, embarrassment etc isn’t my thing and i don’t think Master is really into seeing me like that (hopes) i may be wrong but i'm pretty sure I’ll find out soon, but He has never yet wanted/needed to humiliate me. If It pleased Him, If it feeds something inside of Him, to see me on my hands and knees begging them im sure we would have gone there a long time ago. If He had a need to reduce me to my basest instincts being humiliated would be one way, but i think we know each other well enough to know its not something we have ever had a need to explore.
What i am trying to say is that, if He chooses, or needs, for me to be worthless or to feel worthless - even if He merely wanted me to feel that way "just because", then i wish to be whatever He needs, to make Him find more and deeper pleasure in owning me.
This man knows me so well. He knows what i would find deeply humiliating. He knows what i would struggle with. He knows what i have said in the past that i can't do. He knows what i still can't do.
The bottom line, for me, is that no matter what He asks of me, if it is within me, I’ll give and keep on giving.
So, please Sir....use Your slave as deeply, as strongly, and in as humiliating ways as You wish to, need to, Master. Please allow Your slave the opportunity to serve You as You wish, as You need, and as You so rightly deserve.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Born Worrier

I thought or i was thinking, always a bad sign, i’ve found it often best if i do neither, just let it wash over me because when i think i more often than not, upset myself, i can make up the world’s worse scenario in my mind with almost nothing to work on, i can do that in a millisecond but it can take days for me to recover from the black hole i more often than not put myself in.
i have all these random thoughts about life, my life and i make huge mountain out of tiny mole hill. If i had my own personal Jiminy cricket, He’d be run off his feet.. Whispering in my ear to let it go. Instead i run with any drama literally to generate something…. Why i don’t know, why not be happy, heaven knows, i’m sure there is enough real drama if i want/need to worry. But yes i think that the crux of the matter, i am a born worrier. Always worrying about something, if i don’t have something to worry about, i create it.
I wish i didn't worry about everything. i think too much, work myself up and all the time because of the "what if's...and sick of it too! Ugh, i wish i didn't worry about everything.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Saying what i mean, meaning what i say

It seems that as humans, we often think others should be able to read our minds…. by asking, we are reducing the need for others to do that.
i see this blog as my message board, only trouble is He never answers, i know it’s silly of me but i find that there are some questions still that i cannot outright ask.E.G i find it extremely difficult to ask if i might pleasure myself, even to go without rather than ask. Things like that, i turn into a giggly little school girl, in my 50's. How stupid is that. And yet still, i have always had to ask to orgasm and never really had a problem with that, maybe being out of myself usually assisted me in that quest, Post it notes would solve my problem but i don’t think He’d approve and there’s no privacy here and I’ve never been great at direct asking, i always beat around the bush for days so that gets me nowhere fast, being way to ambiguous so my request goes unanswered as its likely it was never asked in the first place , hidden amongst a load of twaddle or waffle
Learning to be direct is something i need to work on, saying what i mean, meaning what i say, and maybe I’ll get it ...i certainly never will if i don’t ask.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

inside my head

Is this noise inside my head bothering you?

Does it shout/scream too loudly? It never stops, it says, “Would Master or should i , so many questions that i have to answer and i don’t make decision, or i’d rather not and yet, inside my head is fill to bursting with questions, each one pushing for an answer. Every item has multiple priorities going on, competing agendas that come into play every time I’m forced to make a choice about doing, buying, creating or interacting. i think these determine, how good a job i do, where i shop etc

You’re inside my head, always, in every waking moment, , You determine , what i eat, , everything about my day, my life, my very existence. i cannot hide, not that i wish to, but if i did, it’s impossible. Still i really need some of those questions answer. Not the mundane, “what shall i cook for Your dinner” but bigger issues like “What do You expect from me”,” Where do we go from here on”
i still want more, i need to know if Your happy to leave things just the way they are.

We are not in the head space i always imagined we would be at this point in our lives, if Your happy with that great, but i need to know You are.
Question,answers lead to more question...............................