Monday, December 29, 2008

subby mode

Somehow we need to figure out ways that will keep me in that "subby" mode or whatever you want to call it.....i love the way it makes me feel, Hopefully we can figure something out… i miss having that feeling of total surrender. That feeling that i would do anything for Master. Surrender and slavery feeds my soul and i get so hungry for that feeling sometimes.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Quality Time

I have asked Master before to set the rules. It might get him to understand my needs a bit more. He wants me to be strong and i am a strong woman, but...i still have tendencies, needs; desire...if i knew there would be dire consequences for breaking the rules though....i would surely know the boundaries, am i making a mountain out of nothing, no just fumbling around most of the time guessing. Give me rules and expectations...

We haven’t had any play time for months now ...he's stressed, and i understand, just some time for me is what i need,just some quality time talking but even then i get the wall even when i ask to talk, its never the right time, just like now isn’t, when will be i wonder.

Saturday, December 13, 2008


I listened to some definitions the other night in chat, and one of a Domme's description on what makes her a Dominant, could have fit me. However, i am clearly NOT a Domme, nor do i want to be. i maybe am in other aspect of my life; i do not want to dominate in my personal relationship.
I also heard someone who said, that he offers himself to teach mentor, never portray himself to be anything other than what he is. Well i do that as well. I've had many sub sisters come to me and ask for advice. I'm honoured that they feel they can come to me; i only have my personal opinion nothing else. Am i am enigma or just me.. Inside myself i need, desire to serve the man who hold my heart my Master.
Sometimes, knowing that alone is enough, knowing i am my Master slave, is all i need

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Ebb and Flo

M/s and the integration of that into our lives seems to ebb and flow. My fear that M/s is not something He wants concerns me. He show’s frustration at the merest suggestion of M/s at times. Of course. He is human, dealing with the most common life issue. Work.. Bills etc! But the frustration causes Him to loose balance and respond carelessly. He acknowledges my emotional state; remains controlled and instead of punishing me for my behaviour, ignore it as it seems the easiest is a challenging time. i am very grateful to Master for all He does for both of U/us, but I would be lying if i said i was totally happy with the level of our M/s right now..

Saturday, December 06, 2008


Rules are there for a reason. It is what makes a slave. It is the inspiration the way to remember Master rules Not saying this slave likes punishment, but there has to be consequencies, well i have a love and hate relationship with this topic, but being controled, and feeling cared for, but then its the displeasure i feel when i have displeased Master, well, i can punish herself for days without be word from Master , you know it ok sometimes to say, its over and Master is happy, thati will learnt the lesson being taught and will not repeat the fault. i feels no consequence there's no control. Rules are the guidelines to avoid the consequence, discipline and punishment are part of the process of learning. Rules are those that keeps Master happy, and that is the aim of the slave.i prefers to have pain from the pleasure of being good not bad.

Monday, December 01, 2008


It is my destiny to submit. i have discovered that submitting is more than a desire. It is something that i need to do. It completes me, it makes me happy and content. It is a component of who i am. it an essence of my being. The further i explore my submissive side, the more centred i become. Focussed on being a better me, a desire to try and keep trying, no giving up. i need the relationship part of it, the "knowing" of me, the psychological aspect. i need someone to explore my mind and emotions. Without the psychological component, i think i am too strong willed, a firm hand is needed.
It is strange to think of complete submission and surrender as a selfish act, but in a way it is. Maybe not a selfish act, but certainly not selfless. i appreciate and admire Your Dominance. i know that to dominate someone, and accept their submission, requires much thought, responsibility, and work. Your responsibility is far greater than mine; You care for me, and ensure my safety. You have accepted responsibility for my physical and my emotional well being. my trust in You is complete and without question.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

wanting more

Must be a sub trait cause i always want more, so it seems do others we know, never satisfied, not sure if that’s good or bad, always striving for more, better. Is that greed or is it self improvement, maybe Sir can tell me. i do know i want more, more of Domination more of submission, that’s not a new thing its always there, I’m hungry for lifestyle, everything pertaining to it, more more and more of more, Its said The best submissive are those who willingly come to their Masters on their knees, whispering of their love. i love You and my submission to you is what makes my life , am i worthy or do i over kill on my need, trouble is, i acknowledge it as a need and as such it cannot be denied.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Odd Thoughts

How odd, i took time today to look back some 3-4 years at blog entries i made at that time, when my youngest daughter was only 10 (now 14), when we lived in a draughty rented flat (now in our own house) and just how much my writing style has changed, i also thought i really liked the way i wrote back then and maybe i could try that again so, i shall do that .Just recently on several occasion i have been witness to a Dom trait i find most odd. The lack of self control amongst some Doms who frequent our chat room.Now I’m the first to admit that chat is a pastime and can be said to have little if any bearing on reality but still i find it difficult to witness Dom running amok with hormones raging while in the company of subs. Self control, self discipline must be a corner stone on which to build a good base for the role that they all wish to partake of if not now then at some point in the further. On the other hand MG keeps Himself so tightly under control that He become totally consumed by issue to which He has by virtue of reality, little if any control over, thus driving Himself into a spiral of utter frustration at His inability to alter the situation. Neither of these examples are good, neither can be resolve by me that does not stop me from trying by a) talking to the chatter and trying to explain how their action are reflecting badly on them, the lifestyle and the room and by taking to MG and try to get Him to let go before His frustration and anger explode into uncontrolled rage. i am not at this point convince i can do either of the above but my instinct tells me to try.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Another day, another pound(dollar)

Blogging about my thoughts and just life. Always amazes me each year comes about and i wonder how it is possible to have blogged and shared my life that long. i look back at entries and cringe, laugh, cry and remember with fondness many wonderful moments. i know my blog has changed over time. i have shared a lot more of my life and just emotions. But frankly i am owned by an extraordinary man. i am grateful to have the chance to share this journey with Him. So it isn't my first thought to blog and get whatever out because i am there with Him sharing and experiencing life and the emotions that come with it.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Togerther moments

i 'm here again.Sorry for the absence. Honestly i didn't know what to say, so chose to say nothing.i still don't know exactly what to say, but yet i am here.
Things are getting back to normal, but I'm still worried about how everything is going to go. i worry about changes and it's hard to know that nothing i can do will fix the issues, re job, time apart, our D/s even. i wanteto be around him continuously and see him...even if it was for a little bit. i craved his smell, his he looked at me...being around him calms me, but life says otherwise the realities say He must go one way, i must go another, most ever morning. In my mind, He is my Master. This is all i really care about. This is my only concern. i would leave the nilla world behind, with the exception of my children of course, to be with Him, but again dreams are not how reality is, therefore I must deal with my demons and do the best i can, be happy with what we have, making ever together moments worth savouring.

Saturday, November 08, 2008


For me, my slavery is about letting go of myself and focusing on Master. Less "me", more for Him. unfortunately, i find it challenging to truly "let go". i still want to hear Him say: "Good Girl!" i hope to achieve more moments when i truly find my satisfaction in the service without looking for the validation, but im not there yet, not be a long way, if I ever will be.

Thursday, November 06, 2008


“There are four kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip another’s soul bare, and the power to stand naked.”

~Gurumayi Chidvilasananda
i have always known Master is focused Even with all the pressure and exhaustion He is always there to listen to me and offer direction when needed. i marvel at His devotion to the commitment He made to ownership of a slave.Even as i attempt to offer my service and make sure His basic needs are being met, i find i am having a lot of time to live inside my head.
One of the things that i keep bumping into that has always seemed a little out of balance to me is the reference to the "gift" of submission. For me, it just doesn't ring TRUE. i do not view my submission as a "gift". i have had the opportunity to examine my slavery and find myself so deeply immersed in my slave nature that i have come to believe "slave" is who and what i am. It is my most basic self and fulfills my deepest darkest yearnings, i embrace my slavery and the control, order, discipline, and safety which come from service to Master.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008


i think too much. This is not the first time i have heard this in my life. i do think. ALOT. Some of my thinking brings me peace as i come to terms with issues, both trivial and profound (to me!) and some brings me agitation when i obsess over events , and situations i have no control over in the present.i believe a freedom from obsessive thought is only achieved when i am asleep or I'm deep into my submission then i am freed from needing to think. i have only to obey and do. Life becomes service and service brings freedom

Monday, November 03, 2008

Inner Peace

My sense of tranquility and "rightness” is screwed up, right now i need peace,we have struggled enough in the last couple of years. He has had plenty of time to look into His heart, mind and soul to truly see how HE wishes to live His life, for Himself. Even with all the challenges He chooses Mastery and Ownership of property. Self aware enough and controlled enough to balance TOTAL POWER EXCHANGE with right living. Master must take while giving. He must use while serving the relationship. He is so much stronger in spirit than i. He is not mean or loud or overbearing. He controls with restraint, for the most part, and the power of His authority. my senses of security and "rightness" that i am owned, grows and fills me with JOY,I just want some quiet from all the hassle that goes on, to be left in my own peaceful little corner of the world, until Master needs me.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

i am who i am

i am who i am. slave to my Master.People can take me or leave me. i can't change opinions that are already made up on and if i had to, it's probably not worth my time anyway. I'm pretty comfortable being me. It's not something that affects most people one way or another really. I wonder about things like this sometimes, ya know? Though honestly, I don't care.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

my mind

Our minds are used to thinking, but when we want to become calm and peaceful that is exactly what we have to stop doing. It is easier said than done, because the mind will continue to do what it does. Sometimes we can think to much. Thinking is not always good for me, this i know.i just want to cut off sometimes and stop, the room eats away at me at times and i just want it all to go away but i love being there also. i hate seeing the lifestyle i love eroded into a game.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


i’m hypercritical of my body just like almost every other woman out there, and have found it difficult to overcome. i have recently come to a place of acceptance and i am learning to surrender to it. i am being to understand the art of aging gracefully and accepting who i am. So i will focus on the positive. That i am loved no matter how i continue to move through my life. As a young supple nymph or as a mature, ample woman, i am me, i will always be me and Master love me wart’s and all..

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Cruise holiday

I want to write it all down.. At the same time, I’m afraid to look too closely as there had been quite a few negative moments, when i knew i was way off the slave I’m meant to be. But i realize i was off very quickly , hopefully corrected myself enough, although I’m not even sure of that.I've not been in the best place during this trip; far too many distractions and nilla people to be me, Master did once or twice pull me up but even that was difficult in a nilla environment for 8 days, some days were easier than other's. Its other days, i had to be careful of. i just know how much i need to be a slave... i am nothing without my submission. i was often insecure in an unknown environment. i hate being insecure, no excuse, i should trust but i got scared of all sorts of things.
We were fortunate to see some fantastic places. i was able to relax a lot at times, others were very fraught. However an experience not to be missed and a few life ambitions ticked of:

Visiting foreign places

i give myself completely, giving You the freedom, to take me places i cannot get to myself. To have experiences i could not ask for.

But now it is time to pick up chores, resettle myself into my life as Your slave

Saturday, October 11, 2008


i don’t need to be beaten/forced into submission i submit willingly, that being said im not perfect and on occasions i have resisted. i chose to become Your slave willingly ,and gave up all rights, within our agreed limits, to decide what i will and will not do. i have on occasions verbally attempted to avoid something and its gets me, precisely nowhere. There has been only one occasion that i can think of where i have attempted to argued my corner, that was the day I was punished, just the once, never to be forgotten.
i didn’t see it coming, hadn’t anticipated it at all so it did come as a shock. i deserve it because i was disrespectful, I couldn't argue that You were unreasonable as You we rent. In fact if anything id say You are way to lenient but that's a whole different ball game. Sir

Tuesday, October 07, 2008


I want to be everything i can for my Master, if he likes certain foods i'd learn to cook them, if he likes belly dancing i’d learn to dance, if he likes certain play i will accommodate.
I choose to one day be a wife, a slave. i choose that, and I'm not some "poor little thing who doesn't know any better", or a fundamentalist. It's not that i haven't gained an education, or that i have no ambition, or that I'm lazy and want some man to take care of me. i choose to be a wife, slave and mother because that is what i love, that is where my goals and heart lie, and it is my right. i see my home as a place of rest and love. A haven from the world, my husband/Master comes home to dinner waiting. i keep my "home running like clockwork. i work no less than any 9-5 drone. i just don’t have the desire to go and process paperwork or merge companies for a living. My job is to take care of my Master and my children.
When i see my life I'm the foundation of my family. i care for my household and my loved ones, and i hope i do it well. There are some great and powerful women worthy of praise, but there are also homemakers too.

Friday, October 03, 2008


There seems to be this misconception out there, in the chat rooms, that as a submissive, you must automatically cater to the wishes of a Dominant, any Dominant. Do this and you will be seen as a "good" submissive. There are some chatrooms that have oodles of protocol before you can even enter a room ie, asking permission, addressing Dominants etc. However, i mean no disrespect, but if you are not my Sir or Master, if i've never met you, you haven't proved to me that you are deserving of that title.
i'm submissive by nature, Don't expect just because i am submissive that you are any better or deserve a title before you earn it. As such, it is people with these unreal expectations that have this blind vision of what a submissive is. They expect this woman sitting quietly, whispering when she speaks, agreeing with whatever opinion is floating around the room at that particular moment.
What a shame of the breaking of human spirit. Why on earth would a Dominant want anything but a submissive who as Master says, "Has a mind and is not afraid to use it." Part of a D/s relationship is a power exchange, not a brain nullification. How boring to not have an opinion. or be able to express yourself. i know, i know... i'm not talking about being obnoxious, or rude. I let Master handle that if needed. i'm talking about sharing in a learning discussion, and not parroting everything a Dominant says. i'm talking about asking questions, getting to an answer that really answers. i've heard it said, that D/s is the only thing that matters, there is no vanilla. Your sub sleeps in another room every night. OK, that's fine.... for you. In MY 24/7 relationship, i WANT to sleep next to Master every night, as He does with me. See my point?

the opinions expressed here are only mine.
have a great day...

Thursday, October 02, 2008


I'm a morning person. Somehow my internal clock insists on me waking up every morning. i can't get back to sleep. i wish i could lay in bed and fall back to sleep.

But i get so much done before 9am.

The solitude,
Well, not exactly the solitude - I gotta have music playing for me to ge on. Still, I won't sing out loud - that's abusive to the environment.
Looking forward to the week of the cruise(October 13-20). It can't come soon enough. A whole week of “us “ time. Gota be good. Relax. No agenda. Suntan my body a bit . I wouldn't complain if I could go all week without speaking to anyone, except Master. Just You and me Sir

Tuesday, September 30, 2008


slavery is not about perfection. This is an on going journey in which we go from heaven to next. And yet even when we miss the mark, we learn and we grow...yes those are wonderful growth opportunities. We can choose to see them like that or we can dwell in despair and discontent with our own failures or the perceived wrongs of our Owners. The choice is ours. i choose to rejoice in my submission.

Monday, September 22, 2008

switching off

i don’t switch off from being His slave when we are not together, i am always His slave, i need Him to always be Master, at home, at work, at social events, all the time.
i chose to be His slave but it wasn’t something i just one day announced or decided, it was more a natural progression which just happened.
This was about what was right for me and I really believe that it was the right decision and i have no regrets.
As our relationship has progressed and deepened so too has my level of submission, i know i need control, i know i need to serve, i realize life has a habit of not making things so clear cut as i visualize, but there has to be a way to combine all aspects to satisfy all the needs mine and Master.

Friday, September 19, 2008


if you own a prized possession, let’s say a car, which is a asset to you. You know you have to keep it working so that the other things you possess can continue to be maintained to the level that keeps You happy. How do you do this, simple, You service the car at regular intervals, it may cost You but it has to be done, new brake pads, new washers, but you know how ever much You really don’t want to have to exert time and energy on the car but You also know that in the long run, if You do the car will continue to serve You for a long time. Your slave is like Your car, needs servicing every so often. Sparks discplines. Petrol. well just a task or chore every now and then.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


i need my Master. i need to be loved and cared for every day. i need stability. i need structure, discipline and reward. A long time ago i sought it out not truly knowing it was the key to my happiness. But finally...when i'd experienced it i was so happy. To be loved like be cared for and held and told i please's all I've ever wanted.
Goodness, please help me to be patient and a good slave for Master. To be understanding of the stress he's going through. Give me strength to be his constant...his loving slave.

Sunday, August 24, 2008


i bear your mark on me.It doesn’t hurt anymore, but i still feel it. A mark that is more than physical, worn on my back for the world to see.It did hurt, a delicious ache that kept you with me… on me… inside me 24/7, at sleep, at play… You probably forget it, but i can't if i wanted to. i wonder if you know what it feels like to have someone that close. i wonder if you can fathom how that mark penetrated my heart. i certainly didn’t realize it at the time. It happened slowly … Every time my eye distractedly wandered to that place on my back. And it makes me smile. And it makes me vulnerable.
I’m not sure i would change it if i could. i can only wish that the vulnerability is acknowledged, even cherished, and that I am protected.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Thrill seekers.

Have you ever been so busy that it made your head spin? That’s how busy this slave was today, all day long. she did not stop with the chat room and thrill site, no complaints tho, i enjoy the work i do for us. It may sound like slave is complaining but really she isn’t, busy is good for her and she really enjoys the work that she does. All in all, busy as it was,slave had a good day.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008


Remember wheni didn't use make-up and nail polish? That has changed of course. Naked finger nails are a no no. i also try to put on make-up, not to much but enough to make a difference, why because Master instructed (not asked) instructed me too. Nails polish is in my slave contract as is my hair. Style/colour of Master choosing. i dress most of the time to please Master and for practical reason, any special occasion Master will always have a say in what i’m wearing. We are aware of the finer points of clothing being practical for my abilities to go to the bathroom alone if we are out, as sometime there may not be facilities where i can get helped with zips, buttons etc. This does really exclude any chance of any kind of kink (discreetly hiding toys for example) being involved in addition to just being dressed. Ability to walk across the room comes first.
I almost feel guilty for deriving some kind of comfort and a sense of direction from the control aspect of this whole dynamic, i hate decisions and if Master wish to make then for me, even down to what i wear, eat, look like, who am i to argue. I’m totally happy to be directed.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Weekend Update

Master has been practicing His flogging, and of course, i am the lucky recipient. I cannot believe how good He is getting!. At XS we played in public to apparently an audience. Which at the time i was unaware of, Not that i’m complaining you understand, in fact it’s a very much Wow factor and may i please have some more Sir.

But for us, IN PUBLIC, is a huge step forward

How can one push their own limits? Isn’t that like trying to drown ones self? The body automatically kicks in and begins to save itself. It doesn’t matter what the mind wants or thinks….the body’s defences take over. That is what the body does. Doesn’t it? Master should be the one to decides how far to push His slave, and when she can’t take any more but for me on this occasion my knees / arm couldn’t stay in the position and I just had to move. I asked to stop and of course Master allowed that. We are also trying to build up 2/3 years of inactivity and pain thresholds. OH and here is something else I have been pondering….is making that choice topping from the bottom?

It’s was a great weekend…..OH YEA

Monday, July 28, 2008


Anything to do with me, is "His"...good, bad, or indifferent. i don't have separate money from Him. What's mine is His and He has the password to all of my accounts so access is truly open. Other than the supermarket, any purchase over certain amount needs prior totally happy with that, i can honestly say, it has helped me show restraint knowing it was necessary to ask for permission.Master basically knows where i am at all times, i report in and out if i need to leave the house, having first discussed with Master my plans for that day.

When i list in my mind all the things we do i see that i have a great deal of control in my life already from Master but that these things have just become my behaviour. i do not experience them as unusual. But also when listed i see that while they are second nature to me, many require Master to follow up and make sure His expectations are being met.

i would say i have only two rules.RESPECT #1....followed closely by OBEDIENCE.

Thank YOU, Master, for owning me and allowing me the privilege of serving YOU in any way YOU might allow me to be of use to YOU.

Monday, July 21, 2008

rainbows and unicorns

In my head, i thought my ultimate submission would be like crossing over from the land of innocence and naivety, of rainbows and unicorns, into a world illuminated with a harsher light. In reality, there is no difference. The colour of the world, our relationship, my expectations, and my feelings towards Master were exactly the same. There are so many other ways in which Master has challenged me. There were times where i had felt completely helpless around him, At the point where i felt ready to submit totally, i merely saw it as a natural progression to an already established power dynamic that had started a long time ago.
A couple of years later, i still feel perfectly comfortable about everything that occurs between us in our day to day lives. That’s not to say, if circumstances were different that i wouldn’t like more of the same, but for that to apply i'd need to be totally healthy and able-bodied and childless, i might wish/dream for the first but id never for personal gain, wish my children away so life is as life is and i’m happy with what i have.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

vinegar to wine

One of the best ways to deal with something as variable and subjective as D/s is to develop a solid understanding of the basic concepts and then build from there. This certainly is a good approach if you want to be let’s say an electrician. Although selecting the wrong slave might not have consequences as dramatic as selecting the wrong wire, sometimes it can be just as annoying. What i would like to do here is give a few basic slave characteristics that generally hold true for most slaves. Hopefully then not to much vinegar will need to be tasted:-
  • Respect: An obvious one as it’s generally expected from slaves to show respect to their Masters & their authority over them. But also being able to express any needs, feelings, requests in a polite & courteous manner.

  • Subservient: Of course, it is expected from slaves to obey & carry orders from their Masters but a good slave should obviously enjoy pleasing his Master & be grateful if given something in return.

  • Confident: As much as slaves need to trust their Masters they also need to trust their own abilities as well. Being calm & able to maintain composure is particularly helpful when a slave is required to perform a task that he/she don’t like much.

  • Attentive: Good slaves would pay full attention to what is being asked of them & be focused in order to perform tasks to the best of their capacity as well as to progress to better themselves.

  • Open-minded: Showing a receptive mind to new ideas & an eagerness to learn.And, of course, from both Masters & slaves a good ability to communicate is always important.

i try Sir, i may not be perfect but damn i sure as hell try.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


I think I've stated on many occasions that i'm not the perfect slave and that i realise i'm lacking in a lot of areas, but i really thought that i had most angle covered. As far as Master and i are concerned. Our kink is our kink is our kink, we don’t need to justify it, “Loving” has its place as well as kink . Just because i don't write about the grocery shopping, or the masses of kisses that we exchange, or the flowers he gives me, or the meals that he makes, or the gifts that he showers me with, or the cuddles, or the mountains of care and love he shows doesn't mean they don't exist. Far from it in fact. And personally, I don't think you can live with someone long term without all that stuff there in some form even if kink is what brought you together initially. Kink is fun but lovin' is what keeps you together and if not, you're doing it wrong!

Wednesday, July 09, 2008


Being submissive doesn’t mean you never get angry. It’s how you deal with your anger that matters. Having a fit or temper tantrum is extremely destructive behaviour to myself and to those around. The awareness of my, feminine, submissive urges, has been a break through for me! In as much that i can halt any anger issues with a short mantra. for example:-
He is Master and i am slave. He is Owner and i am owned. He commands and i obey. He is to be pleased and i am to please.
i can then move on from whatever might be niggling me with a strong knowledge that all is well in my world.

Monday, July 07, 2008


This is probably not a word everyone would use in connection with M/s, but it is completely vital.
i sometimes wonders whether *those* relationships exist, where the Dom makes all the decisions, what to have for dinner, what dress she should wear, what nail varnish, how she should have her hair…basically relationships where the Dom decides everything. Or as near as is humanely practical. That is not what i have with MG. Sure I have guidelines, things he expects (like his coffee/tea, for me to adhere to His dress code) but he does not decide every little detail of my life. (micromanage). Just the ones he wants to.
Being His slave is not exactly difficult in the sense of having to stick to pages and pages of rules or protocols. Keeping an open and active mind is valued much more than being able to follow blindly in the relationship i have with Him, and so is being a partner in things when he needs me to be. He always did say that he never wanted a doormat, and he will never have one.
Sometimes that partnership is equal, sometimes the balance tilts, but mostly its balanced just right.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

i am not a submissive because

i am not a submissive because i am inferior. i am a submissive because it makes me feel safe and happiest to do so.
Being a submissive certainly doesn't mean that i can't hold my own, that i'm not independent, self-sufficient, or that i cannot care for me and mine which includes taking care of my Master as best as i am able given the current situation. i am intelligent-ish , maybe not as smart as Master but im competent.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


i often wonder if anyone tags me as a submissive on sight. To pass me on the street, you'd probably never guess. i look like any other woman. well. not quite i do like to, stand out,i have to be a conservative dresser in nilla circle but in lifestyle ones im not - when i'm out with Master at the club, we appear to be a D/s couple. In nilla Master is polite ,even respectful. He opens doors for me and carry the shopping bags. He is gently protective, putting his hand on me to guide me, oh and squeezes the back of my neck, yummy. Would anyone guess that i'm a slut in private, that i love to be used by Master.

Thursday, June 05, 2008


Open. does it for me every time. i don't know why. It is just one of those triggers that put me on the fast track to wow land. Warp speed if He adds, "bitch" to the ending. i don't even know if Master is aware of it. "Open, bitch!" Oh my god, it makes my knees weak. i think i will make a list of things as i think of them, as i have become more and more secure about my place in this relationship, i need less and less triggers, but some always push my button, the look obviously still works, to put me right back into my space, the hand on the back of my neck still sends shivers all over me and hair pulling oh wow, softly works on a “who am I “level. Hard works on the “Your mine bitch” level and a million levels inbetween depending on the ammount of preasure applied.Long may it continue.
Thank You Sir

Thursday, May 29, 2008

level of submission

it's about commitment to him, not a certain level of submission.

i didn't promise to be his slave; i didn't promise to keep up a specific level of submission; i didn't give up this or that right. i am his slave; my collar doesn’t change that or make it any more permanent because i already am His.

It's the way I'm built, it's the way we function as a couple, and it’s what makes me happy.

There is no uncertainty there; it's just a fact, a part of us.
i promise my dedication to Master and our relationship. My promise to try my hardest to be the best i can for him regardless of the D/s intensity level at the moment - because that will change and evolve over time. The collar around my neck is a symbol of my commitment to Master and our relationship.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


i love being your slave., what a honour and privilege it is, knowing that you chose me i love that you have seen the real me, deep inside and you take the gift i offer willingly and together we live laugh and grow!

Words whispered to my ear, words you only use for me. Your slave, Your slut, Your whore, I've have never in my life been allowed to feel like this.
I love you with all that i am...and all that i will be .........forever Yours

Sunday, May 25, 2008


If only i could stop my thoughts from wandering off to some of the darker caverns and crevices of my mind you would be taking in a reasonably (!)Coherent entry that would shed a little more light on our dynamics but my bottom needs attention, and im off focus on anything but my butt.
Each time Master hits me it feel like a kiss.
Oh I need kisses.
Instead, you get nothing. It's not that i don't want to write, i really, really do, i just can't think straight enough to come up with something comprehensible. All I'm able to think of are pain and playing--lots of of both please! Preferably so much that i cannot (and no longer want to) remember my own name.Combined with the obligations of daily life a lack of intense contact always makes me insanely needy and, well, horny.
I’m begging please Sir.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Buildng our life

There are so many reasons to be good. To be obedient. To not give Master a load of grief.

So it should be easy to be the perfect submissive right?

Well No.i am submissive, I’m not just ‘playing at it’ or doing it as part of a weekend kinky sex game. The problem is that I’m also headstrong,stubborn and likes to get my own way and yes, at times a BRAT. So sometimes there is a bit of an inner conflict of interest!

The problem is that most physical things Master might do to me, i enjoys. Ok, sometimes i’ll hate them at the time but regardless. So pain in itself is not necessarily a punishment. Because of this, Master and i rarely do ‘punishment’ in the physical sence. There isn’t any point adopting the idea that Master will hurt me if im bad, because, it’s no secret he’s the sadist and im a masochist. So pain, pleasure, it all mingles up together. So we continue to strive to be better at who we are and how we behave even towards each other., continuing to build together a structure, that work on a day by day level.

Thank you for being you Sir, letting me be me, and sharing my life

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

the power of choice

"Man experiences the essence of his masculinity in the act of romantic dominance; woman experiences the essence of her femininity in the act of romantic surrender."
-Ayn Rand

Yes, I submit to Master. But he is a specific man - i do not submit to all men because no other man has a right to dominate me. No other man has my permission to dominate me. And i know that sounds Dommish of me, but it's true. The only way a D/s relationship can work is if we want it. Master can't force me to submit, i can't force my submission upon him, because he can refuse to dominate.

So we both have the choice of D/s, and that's the crucial distinction For me, it is the one that i have selected as the one i wish to pursue.

And that's female empowerment - the power of choice.

Monday, May 19, 2008


i fight constantly to feel, to stay focussed on the physical self. Flogging/spanking helps me to do this. Once i am wrapped up in the play,i no longer worry about the surface tension in my head --i can start to see more of Who i Am, i can "listen to myself" and hear the echo coming back.THIS is where i go, when Master and i play. i need it at least occasionally and do best when i can have it every couple weeks or so.
The mental depth i crave cannot be attained until after I've at least begun to have a endorphine release. i can flit along the surface of altered states that fit into the category of headspace, but i have a hard time attaining the deep, silent state with which i look to the opening up of my "slave" headspace.

i do know that Master has a concern these days of me floating, i am not sure if i will ever be allowed to gain that depth again, having said that i enjoy the smallest beginnings of the journey. To reach the destination is ultimate but, i am happy currently to just take a little trip .

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Being grateful

Whether one is completely in sub mode or whether one is not. - i am always his property, that doesn't change. What changes is the formal/less formal way i behave. More often than not, i follow his lead regarding the tone of the moment when i need to determine how to react. i can tell by the look on his face, the things he says (or doesn't say) whether or not i'm on the right track.
i'm conscious that i've not been getting a lot of opportunities lately to submit to very much of anything. Master is pre occupied, and feeling somewhat less than Dominant, i think. i realised that while for the most part He doesn't change his mindset to far from the middle line He tends to walk, i'm the one that follows along with the "adjustment", to create the balance, its not for my Master to re focus, that’s slaves job. In saying that i have no complaints, whatever he gives me - rewards, affection, tokens or restrictions, i take them gladly. Whatever his motivations i'm just the recipient of his choices, his mindset. Luckily for both of us, all of the things he gives me i'm grateful for. i don't change my behaviour towards what he gives me depending on what it is.
If he struggles with whether he's being firm enough or caring enough or honest enough, those are struggles i can't assist with, other than hearing them out if he chooses to share.
But i will always take what he gives me and be grateful for it. It’s just how it is.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

You are my sun and my moon

We have moved into the sun, feel the warmth.

As so often in my life, i finds i can best understand what i has experienced when looking back. Sometimes the weight of the moment makes it impossible to accurately assess any situation.

First, i will acknowledge my most basic and true nature.

That of slave.Your slave.

For me life has been very much about service. i have always been a servant, served my children till it hurt, used to committ (often over-committ!) my time to community work. All of these bits of service gave me great joy at the time, i just didn't understand when to say "enough"! i recall Master telling me on several occasions to put myself before others; i have never known this in my life and find it difficult to experience now. Im trying to make sense of my longings and desires, to try to understand if what i feel so strongly are actual NEED or just WANTs. life tends to scare the living dayights out of me these days.

This may surprise you, but i do realise, although, i hate to admit this, but it's not just all about me.In fact its all about You Sir, You are my sun and my moon, my light, and my darkness, my world my very life.

i would like to promise to always love You as much as i do now,

i just can't bring myself to lie to You.

i know that by tonight, i will already love You more !!

Monday, May 12, 2008

how to know when a slave needs

how to know when a slave needs to get laid....

.. when she's on edge!

-- a woman who is UPTIGHT or tightly wound is NOT TIED TIGHT ENOUGH. She needs someone to THROW her down and screw the living daylights out of her and if you can manage a gag and some rope, then you're going to REALLY do wonders for ME! Today, i am one of those in need!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i guess i am feeling a little jaded of late. Everything i read is so full of all this beautiful prose that leaves me wondering if i am missing something. Glistening petals covered in gentle dew, opening for the sword. It's a cunt, a wet cunt at that, that so needs penetrated by a cock. i am not sure why it has to be something more.: HARD and ROUGH.GOD, i can't wait, Master!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am not just aching for but NEEDING a beating and a good seeing too!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Down here in that exquisite tortured state is where sub-space beams eternal ... i'll just walk around like a zombie afterward ... .. and nothing will bother me at all. i won't NEED to say my peace because peace will be me.i am horny, i am desperate, i am currently having too much to say, and i don't like myself when i'm this way. i basically become all the things i despise.OH!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i know what is going on! When i'm needing Master's attention and i get myself all worked up in that knickers-in-a-knot way (rather than the preferable slave-in-multiple-knots way). i get testy. i get fierce with saying, hey, what about me? Aren't you going to notice me? Suddenly i have something to prove and i REALLY detest that feeling.So no wonder! All those un-tight women you see around town ... have it made? They're laid all the time! They're happy! They're not on edge DYING for release. They're easy going, nothing bothers the ones in heat whereas EVERYTHING bothers the ones needing warmth.PLEASE -- before i bite someone's head off with heavy-handed opinions or spitefully plotted vindication. PLEASE! --. Please make me pretty again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, May 09, 2008

Staying the course

Surrendering one's will to another, completely, daily and fully is a challenge which must be renewed with each day. Slave discovered how difficult it is to kneel continually, even when service is the core motivation.
Master understands the responsibility of His Ownership. He accepted that when He placed His collar on my neck. That responsibility, or duty, requires He first and foremost , BE THE MASTER. This means not letting His emotions allow Him to falter or moved from His course. Slave has seen how truly difficult it is for Master to stay the course and be true to the values He set out for His ownership of His human property, His slave. He has shown the strength of character, self confidence and self control that first drew my heart to Him in friendship, then love, then devotion, and finally surrender. He stayed the course by being true to Himself, which luckily for me, means protecting

Wednesday, May 07, 2008


Spring has finally sprung and life moves on. i find it remarkable, when viewed from the point of view of my life previous to being as Your slave, to experience the joy of following my most basic instincts with One who understands, accepts, and embraces my true slave nature.
i do not think anything of the routines i preform, . This is my life. It is remarkable how the inner peace and sense of well being floods over me when i acknowledge who and what i am. Anytime of year, im happiest in Your service, i dont ever wish it to be any different.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Life in Chains

“If loving You makes a slave of me, then I’ll spend my whole life in chains.”

~Sophie B Hawkins