Monday, January 31, 2005


Why is it that life has a tendency to kick you when your down, if its not one thing its another, nothing seems to go according to plan or its either all or nowt and right now, its nowt.. nothing is happening as we have planned.

And its soooooooo frustrating..... i have always been the sort of person who thinks, "if you want something doing, do it yourself" because many many times in my life i have had to wait on people and hope they do, what it is they say they will do and in the time frame they have said they will do it in, and far too many times, i have been let down, so i now think that if its that important to me, i'll do it myself. The problem occurs when i have to be reliant on others as i do not have the means to complete my task without their assistance and so i wait or sit and twiddle my thumbs while the world ticks slowly by.....and it's sooooooooooo frustrating.

This applies even to the tasks that MG might set for me, i so much prefer those that are all down to me, that do not require any input from anyone else, that allows me to get on with it and complete it in the time frame allowed to me. If i have to rely on others for information, if (wait for it) i don't have control over the task at hand... then i get so stressed out that the task becomes even more of a focus and not a good one. i would much prefer to have a huge great effort needed on my part and have the whole thing down to me, than have to rely on others, or wait for some piece of information to come my way to be able to complete.

Same goes with life things, having to rely on others, wait for them to do whatever is needed, gets me in a right state.......what am i going on about you might ask... Well, today i finally took the plunge and went to see a solicitor regarding my divorce, MG and i have made plans to wed in June....not a big deal you might say but it is because as yet i haven't divorced my ex and there was i under the misapprehension that a quick divorce would be just that, quick, no such luck...5/7 months so i am told and that doesn't leave enough time for a June wedding...and why so long.

oh...i am told because the court cant get off their asses and sign a few papers put in front of them , with a rubber stamp to say i am no longer married.....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. So delayed plans are afoot, forget June, try August or September, no big deal apart from the fact that i wanted a June wedding, so did MG. It was to be on my birthday, 50 years young.

Now...who knows, grrrrrrrrrrrrrr i am so frustrated today

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Creature of Habit

It would seem that the harder i try, the bigger a hole i seem to be digging for myself on this one folks. i can see what it is that perplex' s me, but try as i might i cannot make others quite understand what it is that is eating away at me.
i have tried and the few people that i trust enough to talk too, do have some idea of where i am coming from but not the whole. i think i am making MG exasperated on this as he has tried and tried to tell me that my submission is... it just is and no amount of my thinking too hard about it or diggin way too deep is going to alter that..i am His slave and will remain so whether i challenge that, whether i physically submit to Him 24 hours a day or only for 5 minutes during a spanking etc because it does not have to be always visual, always up front, because as we have so often said, it is a mindset.. and yes, i agree, but there is still this niggle in me at present that keeps asking me why i do this, why i submit, why i feel so lost at times and yet at others, totally fulfilled in my submission to MG.
i cannot help the way i feel, i can of course put it to the back of my mind and have done until something pushes a button and something comes to mind that makes me ask questions again...but is questioning so bad anyway, if we just go through life without asking questions or seeking answers, we might just as well sit in a chair and give up and i am not one to do that..i like to know and i like to know where i am going, what my direction is... maybe that's the problem, i don't know what the direction is right now, where i am heading... if i could find that then perhaps it would fall into place again..

i am a creature of habit, i admit it, i like to know what's coming next and when ( a point MG works hard to sometimes hold me back on, the attitude i have of always wanting to know where we are going today, what his plans for me might be, he enjoys making me wait when i just HAVE to know)... maybe so i can make plans, i am not sure but i do like to know.
Set me a task, give me something that i can get my teeth into, demand of me, anything and i am happy, i have a focus, a meaning, a point to the next hour/day etc... leave me to my own devices and i loose myself. Of course i can find things to do, find ways to entertain myself which have some value, a job that needs doing, anything that demands of me and my time is good for me as it gives me that focus, that reason for getting up in the morning.
As mum to my kids i have many things that are required of me, as slave to MG i also have His needs to see to and i freely and willingly perform those tasks for each of them, with pleasure i do what is needed to see that they are all well served in what they need and i would never not do that. But here we go again, i feel i need more, something more that gives me a focus, particularly within my submission.
Then i have this big error come up can i be sub/slave if i make these demands ... should a sub make demands?
Needs, yes i have needs and wants and MG does his level best to satisfy those needs but like a spoilt child i always want more and when i don't get more of course i pout big time... so maybe that's what this is all about... a major pouting session ? Am i throwing my dummy out of the pram here.. (asking the question of myself)..that's what i do..i ask, i challenge until i find the answer to the questions i pose for myself...people may offer me a guiding light and i may see a little clearer but at the end of the day, i have to be happy with the answer or it will not satisfy the curiosity that i have.

Always learning, always moving forward..... With knowledge, we grow

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Self Esteem

i seem to be having an inner quarrel with myself right now. i don't really like who i am and because of this, i seem to be beating myself up over all sorts of things in my life. i am so very aware of this feeling as it seems to be traveling thought all aspects of my daily life and i have to admit, its winning... and however much i try to get myself out of the pit of despair i feel i am in, nothing seems to work. Yesterday i ended up in floods of tears for no apparent reason really and when MG asked what was wrong with me as i don't seem to be myself, i have to say that i can only put my distress down to this low self image i have of myself at present.
Anyway, having faced the problem head on, talked to MG about how i am feeling, my doubts about my submission, my dislike of my outward physical appearance and a few other bits and pieces that seem to be looming so large right now, i have made a self decision.

Its time to pick myself up,dust myself off and start afresh... meaning... an outward smartening up as i feel very slobby and tatty right now, ( new clothes needed), a trimming off of some of the additional weight that i have gained over the last year as this also seems to be getting me down even tho i am told again and again that it isn't a big problem and that i don't look "fat" ( i still feel fat tho) a general toning up of those muscles that i have let slip into flabbydom as well (silly because i was so well toned and fit a couple of years ago and felt good about myself)
You may say that the outward me isn't that important and that its what's on the inside that makes me who i am and i would usually agree with you but i have this notion that if i feel good about the outside, the inside will follow along... thats my plan anyway.. and with an inner good feeling as well as an outer one, i am hoping that all the other aspects will fall back into place.

MG for his part has added a few more little M/s bits to our daily life and those i hope will allow the submissive in me to come out again as i have also had the feeling that maybe i was just going through the motions of being slave, he tells me that isn't so and i have to go along with his way of thinking and as i say, hope that with the added rituals/tasks etc, i can find the depth that i had a little while ago.

All sorts of things have got in the way of the M/s of late, we are both aware of that and both realise that it is no fault of ours but rather the outside influences of work and time, tiredness and all the nilla aspects that really have to take a front seat just so we can get through a week without both of us collapsing into heaps of doom and gloom.
Things have changed tho, with the 4 on 4 off shift pattern which we have both wanted for a while, finally coming into being, we are hoping that this will give us more time together both nilla and M/s, less tired and more able to focus on ourselves and who we are at the core.

Time will tell, it can only get better....

Sunday, January 23, 2005


i have added a few links to my blog today, more fun things than anything really serious... however, when i found a Horoscope , not that i normally believe in the things, i was slightly taken aback by its accuracy this week and as such i have thought i would add one to my site and blog and see where it leads.

This week's is as follows (save you going off to read it)

This week's scenario is highlighted by potential petty differences between you and your mate.

It may be best to put personal goals aside in order to work on an important relationship or marriage now. In order to sort out romantic and marital difficulties, you may need to redefine the role you play in the relationship or develop more insight into your partner's needs and issues.

You might need to firm up your commitment to your mate or devote more attention to building a secure foundation for the partnership.

You need to be more tolerant and unselfish and to learn new ways in which you can improve your relating skills.

i showed MG this and i even got "The look" when he read it because this is so true at present, i do need to refocus and redefine where i am going and how i wish to get there. i also need to devote more to my submission and take some more time to think about who i am as MG's slave. i also need to be less selfish (difficult i know) and think more about how much others put in, not just how much i think i do.

We have decided to put some new targets/tasks/rituals in place today and we will see if that gives me a little more focus and hopefully get a few more things done around here while allowing me to have that all important feeling of submission. i cant tell you what these things will be as MG has yet to enlighten me, however much i whinge and whine about wanting to know and wanting to know now... same old cleo...totally impatient but MG has that under control as well and i am told to wait until he is good and ready to discuss these new things with me. Once these have been sorted out i am hoping that they will give me a much needed boost and allow me to regain some of the "s" from within our M/s which i have felt lacking of late.

No ones fault of course, just the same old life stuff getting in the way but that doesn't help me very much when i am feeling totally lost within our M/s and having talked to MG about it during the week, He made the decision that we did need some more time and input into our lifestyle and that when he had time to sort it out, i would be the first to know. i am hoping i wont have to wait too long because i know i really need some focus....

i'll let you know later what MG decides !!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Mirror Mirror..on the wall

i have looked in a mirror so many times and not seen the real me, so many times, all i see is the outward reflection of the body that holds the inner me.
Once a good friend said to me, look at the whole you cleo, look deep, deeper than the outward trappings, look at who you really are but be prepared because you may not like all of what you find... and how right she was. i found a selfish, demanding, woman who had more needs that she had ever imagined. A person who had for a good part of her life just gone through the motions of day to day life never really knowing what she wanted from it, or what she needed. It was easy to do that, not to rock the boat, to just accept the inevitable and carry on.
But with finding the lifestyle i know and love, that all changed, i found a place for the real me, the submissive yet demanding me, the person who had a desire to feel that someone else had the ultimate control over all and every action she took. i grew, reveled in the confinement that my relationship gave me, i needed that control, that guiding hand.... oh that's not to say i wouldn't or couldn't have managed by myself, for i had been doing that all my life, but this was different, this was a new experience, to give to another my very soul, along with my mind and my body, to do with as they pleased, and in MG i found the Master who would not abuse that and who would take me to the very edge of this awesome lifestyle and who could keep me there within his grasp.
This is not about kinky sex, as much fun as that is. It's about surrender and submission. It makes me happy to let go, to let another have all the power and make all the decisions. There's a curious freedom that comes from knowing you have no alternatives, no choices, and can only react as your own true self to the situation you find yourself in. It's part of the attraction which to some might appear so foolish when viewed from outside but gives me such joy. It shows me who i am: This is the highest, noblest endeavor that any human being can undertake: to know themselves.
i know who i am now, it isn't always easy tho, to maintain that, life has a habit of trying real damn hard to take away from you, what you have found and it is sometimes a struggle to just maintain the status quo. But it is an effort well worth making and i for one would not change it or give it up for anything.
There are times when the outside influences just become to powerful and we have to give a little of ourselves back to being "normal" but as long as we can come full circle back to the Master/slave relationship that is integral to who we are, that's fine.
Nothing is 24/7, its impossible for it to be that way, nilla life is bigger than M/s and we as an M/s couple accept that and do what is needed and required of us both to see that the nilla side of things is maintained as well as the M/s side. Sometimes the nilla aspect takes precedence and again, that's fine with us, but we must see to it that the M/s side is also maintained, even if that means in a lesser form or that its sits happily on the sideline, as long as its function quietly in the background, the thread is there and can be pulled at any time and it can spark back into life.
All i really need, having seen my true reflection now, is my Master, my submission to him and my kids.....with that, i am as complete as i could ever wish to be.

Monday, January 17, 2005

3 Years, to the day.

Three years ago today, MG and i became 24/7 Master and sub. After what some would consider to be a very short online relationship, we met real life and some 5 months later began living together. Much has happened to us in those 3 years, some good, some not so good, but all extremely happy and fulfilling years that i would not wish to change for anything.

In that time we have both grown within our D/s, from the first tentative steps that ended up with the pair of us, in fits of laughter as we just couldn't get the first spanking session right, to learning techniques that work for us and finding what it was that floated our individual and unique boat. This lifestyle choice is after all, unique to each and every one of us and what work for us may not work for others, but we like to think that in our time together, we have found our niche.

Then to the creation of the
seekers community, the chatroom in various locations and the final piece de resistance of the seekers website. As each year passes we have become closer in our relationship, deeper into our D/s now being Master and slave within a Total Power Exchange relationship. We have met both online and real life some great people, many who are now long standing friends, we have attended our fair share of munches and get together with D/s folks and even a few fetish evenings as well.

There is nothing like this way of life, nothing to compare to the depth of honesty and truth that is an integral part of D/s. Nothing i have ever known can compare to what MG and i have now and it can only get better. We grow, we move forward, striving to be better and better, we learn, not just about what makes a good D/s relationship but about each other, about our individual wants and needs, our aspirations, our dreams, which seem to be so very similar.

With each passing day, week or month we continue to develop our choice of lifestyle, adding to a firm foundation, trying new and exciting concepts, taking what works and building on that, discarding what isn't right for us but always learning, always growing. We are never going to be perfect, we are never going to know all that there is to know but that wont stop us trying, wont stop us from at least looking at new things and seeing if they can be incorporated into what is already a very powerful and inspiring way of life.

Later this year we plan to marry, not because we feel the need to have something that joins us together, we have that already, the collar i wear means more to me than any piece of paper that a register can give me, but in this day and age, that all important paper has some merit that we feel is needed now, not just for us but for the children and for the future. The day we wed i shall be the happiest slave alive, that day i shall also be 50 years old so a double celebration. Those who will attend that day as witness to our continued love and devotion will be lifestyle friends in the main, those we have come to know well and hold in high regard. They have supported us through many a low time as i hope we have been able to do for them. For that i wish to say a big thank you, to all those who have been there, along the path that MG and i have travelled for the past 3 years.

To my Master i wish to say, i love you Sir, with every breath i have and with my whole being. Thank you for the last Three years, may they long continue.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Under pressure

It comes to us all, those days when the whole world is laying really heavily on you and nothing seems to go right or come out right and really, the most sensible thing to do would be to just shut up and let things ride until it passes. Oh but that would be so easy and i am, if nothing else, never one to take the easy route... i swear it is my life's ambition to find the hardest, the most bumpiest, the most pot holed road there is in existence to travel along.
We all do things that we regret the minute they occur and i am no different... i just wonder when, if ever, i will learn to bite my tongue or at least engage my brain before i opening my mouth. I have been told that diplomacy is not my strong point and that i cannot disagree with, never really been my strong suite and i tend to just come straight out with what's on my mind and not think about the consequences of my words or actions.... something i really should learn to control and deal with as it usually either gets me into trouble or i end up hurting someone's feeling.. never intentionally or with malice, but i am rather more the type to say what i think and then think about what i have said after....should be the other way around really, it might save a lot of heartache on my part if no one else's.
I seem to then have to deal with the guilt that comes after and that's when i hit a low ebb which takes me forever to get out of, wasting valuable time and effort on something that had i thought about first i could have avoided.
Maybe it is something that MG and i can work on, we haven't as yet and maybe we should but i will leave that to MG to decide, i am sure he will find some way of slowing me down a little and maybe making me think before i speak.
i think, if i am honest now, i could do with some guidance, along some line or another as i feel i am getting way to out of control, even for my liking. i dislike the word "training" as does MG because i am not a child or a puppy dog but i do feel there is room for improvement and that would be MGs department as his role of Master dictates what i do and where i go, so i might ask for something to assist me along those lines.
i also feel that because i am given so much free reign i am taking that for granted and maybe pushing it a bit too far so perhaps i need to have that lead pulled in a bit every now and then so that i don't get to big for my own boots.
i certainly need something... not sure what.. some control, some task, bring me back to where i should be and not off on some trip all of my own...... but i shall leave that to MG.. its his department.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Should slaves push

A silly question you might think but one that i often ask myself in the light of how MG and i live our lives.

i have again this evening, watched my Master push himself to get up and out for work when he is obviously totally shattered, yet he does it, again and again, day after day during his shift and each day i say to him that he cannot go on like this... there are just not enough hours in the day for him to work the hours he works, added to that the traveling time...and in there somewhere, find enough time to sleep as well. He starts a new shift still tired from the last, whilst he also tries to find time for me and the kids as well.
It breaks my heart to see him like this and yet, what can i do... i try to make life easier for him but it is not enough and i have to stand back and watch him work himself into the ground.
We both know what needs to be done, in the immediate and foreseeable future, he needs to talk to his boss, reduce his work load, even go back to a 4 on 4 off shift ( he currently does 5 on, 3 off) and see how that works, long term , he needs something with less hours, and more local to home, but those kinds of jobs are few and far between and some would say we should be happy that he is in work at all, many are not.

We should also be glad that at least we have a little time to spend together during the 8 day cycle and of course we are, some ( particularly long distance relationships) don't see their other halves from one month to the next or even longer sometimes. But this isn't about what time we have together, this is about my Master and his needs, not mine... and right now..his need is for sleep.

The title asks, when or if a slave should push her Master and my thinking is, that without nagging i feel i must try and keep trying to get MG to pin his boss down and get this problem sorted before he makes himself ill. In the best interest of...and believe me, it is in his best interest because he cannot go on like this.

The difficulty arises in that things are not all they seem to be right now, with his work, we are sure there is some kind of "Take Over" afoot, but trying to pin someone down to find out who is actually running the company he works for is like trying to get a blood out of a stone. If he could find out who he should be talking to, well, at least that would be a first step, following that, he has to do something about these hours because this really is becoming a major problem.
MG cares for all my needs in one way or another, its time i started to care for his and as i cannot do what needs to be done, only he can, all i can do is to encourage him to seek out whoever it is that can have some effect on his current work situation.

i do hope that happens soon as i am become more and more worried about his health and well being.
i dont want to become a nagging other half, its not for me to tell MG to do anything, but its so hard to see him like this and the only way for that to change is for him to find out what he needs to and take it from there but, catch 22 again, he has no time to even talk to whoever it is in charge of this place where he works, he walks in to do a night shift, they walk out.... how is he ever meant to talk to anyone and yet... he has too... and i am at a loss as to how, but if i just stay quiet and let another day/week pass, am i being a good slave to him and allowing (if thats the right word) this situation to continue without at least trying to push him a little to get something sorted at whatever cost.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Canes and Pain

A while ago MG purchased a cane..... !!!

i have to say that when we were actually buying the thing, i wasn't that concerned, but once we got home with it i started to have my doubts as to whether i was going to like this new implement. When we first began our journey into D/s and started to build up our toys, MG's favourite was the crop but being quite new to all this milarky, he would occasionally hit me with the shaft of the crop by mistake, creating the effect of a cane rather than a crop. This gave me some insight into what the cane would feel like and i have to admit, it wasn't a good one and subsequently i gained an aversion to the very thought of the cane as a toy to be used in play.

MG therefore made the decision that the cane would be reserved as a "punishment" tool and nothing else, an added incentive for me to behave myself i can tell you..!!! The cane was put away and never saw the light of day until this weekend.

One of those rare occasions when MG had a Friday night at home, no kids about and time for us to get a bit deeper into our M/s but altho we tend not to "plan" our play times as such, we do use triggers that kind of set a mood and one that MG likes to use is that he tells me that he intended to cause me some pain during the session or that i am denied orgasm or something along these lines. Its all about anticipation.

Usually i would just smile and build a scene in my mind of what might be or i am just as happy to let the mood take us both and see where it leads. However, on this occasion i blurted out a simple statement that may well have landed me in more hot water than i had honestly intended.

What i said was, and i quote..." i am not sure Sir, if what you consider as pain is quite what i consider as pain, i feel my imagination is far more extreme than yours".... silly slave... when will i learn to keep my mouth shut and stop digging great big holes for myself. It is agreed by both MG and myself that i have developed a liking for pain... in fact i have become quite a lil pain slut in my own way which is somewhat of a surprise to both Master and myself considering that in the early days i stated that "i don't do pain" (that makes MG laugh these days.. see his blog entry on the subject here)
Following my statement, a debate as to what i had exactly meant ensued and during this MG asked me to turn away as he made a few notes on a word document, while i contemplated what i had meant by my words. Again we debated the issue and i was asked to state clearly, what i had meant when i had opened my mouth before engaging my brain.
Difficult to explain really but what i had felt was that i needed some limits pushed, needed to submit, to give up something that i hadn't given already, please don't ask me what because at that time i had no idea, all i can say is that i really had a need to feel some real control, domination, submission. Having said this to MG, he revealed what he had typed.

"Cane" and something else which i cannot recall right now because my mind only got as far as the cane but i have to admit that in that one word he had summed up probably exactly what i was thinking, not the cane as such but the use of, the power of, the limit of...

Now we have an example of the consensuality of a M/s relationship... because we had previously agreed that the cane would not be used for anything other than punishment and now here we were suggesting that it be used in a play setting and that meant that we needed to move the current limit and make a fresh one.
Agreed, because we both felt that we have move forward over the past few months and that the cane, as a means of pain infliction should no longer be excluded.

i wont go into the details of the caning, suffice to say that MG had a desire to leave some marks on my rear end and he succeeded nicely ...Thank you Sir.. Along with a few (a lot really) tears, a lot of hugs and kisses afterwards, a lot of " lets see if this way is better than that, bend over again slave"
A lot of me pleading for "no more" but without a safeword used so we can forget the begging cant we..!!.. i think you all get the picture anyway..

And a great evening was had by all concerned.... Thank you Sir for the limits extended, for the push that was needed to try and for the lessons learnt which i am sure will be revisited at the earliest opportunity.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Upper hand cont.

i am going to try really hard to explain my thinking here because i dont think i have made my thoughts very clear about how i see this. Of course, it is only my thinking and as such i dont expect others to agree or disagree but i would like the chance to try and explain.

i have read, as i am sure other have also about the need for equality within the lifestyle, that both Dominants and submissives, in their own way are equal to one another, that the sub, in giving her submission might even have some "power" within the relationship. That as intellegent beings we all have something to bring to the table on many different subjects.
However, i am thinking here along the lines of being subservient to MG and as such, how can i possibly be his equal within our M/s.
Sure, of course, within the "nilla" realm of the time we spend together, with regard to the upbringing of the children, even during those times when we are relaxed and not into any major M/s depth, equality might be possible and i can stand tall and beside him but...

Even during these times, i find, deep inside, a need to be beneath him, to be over shadowed by him, to be submissive in ever aspect.
Dont get me wrong here, if i was playing a game (any game) with anyone else, i would be driven to win as it is in our nature to do so, but with MG, even though the desire to win is still there, i feel guilty, disrespectful even to be in the upper hand position. It isnt a pleasent feeling sometimes and i have tried to fight it but i always come right back to ..He is Master, i am slave and as such, it is not my position to be in a situation of beating anything.
i have to say here, that MG does not agree with this thinking i have, in fact, encourages me to play to win (against my inner self telling me to lose) and there are times when the joy in winning takes hold of me, but once again, i come back to the same stance that says, you are slave and it is not your place to be in the upper hand position.
Game of 8 ball, or the game of life.... as slave i come after MG, not before.

Sorry to waffle, but this is eating away at me right now and i need to try and clarify it in my mind, if nothing else.

8 Ball

There you are, on a winning streak, you just cant miss the pocket, even if you try. The balls just love you and you are living a charmed life at the table's. One game up or 10 games..makes no difference, you just cant make a wrong move. The trophy is yours for the taking.... your opponent just doesn't stand a chance. Great you might say but what if the opponent is your Master....arghhhhhhhhhhhh

A game you might say and of course you would be correct however, i found that being in the winning position did not sit well with me at all, had i been able to get away with making unforced errors, believe me, i would have made them because, beating my Master at anything, even a game, is not something that i enjoy very much.
You might think that i am being rather silly, what does it matter if i beat him in a simple game of 8 ball but it goes way deeper than just a game to me. i wrote in the previous entry to this blog how i feel that in the greater scheme of things i am subservient to MG and as such feel that my place is at a lower level, that to have the upper hand, hold the winning position goes very much against the grain of how i see my role in life.

People might laugh at this notion, feel that i have as much right to win or to be equal but as before i say that i do not want or wish to be MG's equal... i want to be his slave, i give that to him daily, why should i then desire to have the upper hand in anything, even a game.
While the game was in progress i have to say that there were times when i felt bad about making a shot, about potting the 8 ball and knowing i had won another frame even when MG would say how well i was playing but deep down inside i had this gnawing feeling of....of all things.. disrespect for my Master.

i cannot explain this feeling nor can i justify it, all i can do is acknowledge the feeling of discomfort and make note that it is not for me. i don't want it or need it and would so much rather not put myself in the position of having to face it.

slave always, and that doesn't include beating my Master at 8 ball or anything else come to that, im the one who gets beaten.... at 8 ball or something else namely my butt usually.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Eye to Eye

Something occurred the other day that set me thinking about my role/position within my Master/slave relationship with MG. i happened to say that as his slave i felt that i was not his equal and that he was, as my Master, on a higher level than i. He disagreed. He feels that we are in an equal partnership, equal in all things and i would guess that as a general rule i cannot argue with that. In our lives yes, we each have equal say in most thing, we each have something to bring to our relationship and we each give and take from it, in the same amounts. We are equal within the realm of human interaction, both intelligent, both able and capable and both have individual assets we bring together within what it is we do. From the outside, we are equal, even though he is Master and i am slave, we each contribute an equal amount to the relationship.
The fact that MG has the Dominant role in our lives does not give Him some greater sense of worth or superiority.

MG values my opinion, in fact he requires it of me and as such i am involved in every aspect of our relationship. He will of course always have the final say as Master, but He also knows that i am intelligent and capable of holding me own if and when i am required too.

There are many that might conclude that it is actually the submissive with all the power in a relationship but i would not agree. It has been said that the Dominant only has what is given by choice, and cannot independently take what is not given freely and that being the case, the submissive has a certain amount of "power" within the M/s bearing in mind that the power in an M/s relationship flows from the submissive to the Dominant, in the form of the submission given.

Now, why should I not agree with some of that...I'll tell you why...

i cannot and will not argue that both MG and i as human beings are equal, and if we were not Master and slave i would have no problem with that at all. But, we are and as Master, from my perspective, He is the greater being, i bow to his authority, i kneel before Him, i give of myself in all and very aspect of our lives, willingly, and if i were allow, would happily put him on the highest pedestal i could find. If he would accept the title of "Lord and Master" i would give it (but he won't) so for me, NO, we are not equals within the contents of our M/s and never will be. He will always be the greater force and no amount of people telling me otherwise is going to change my view. Of course, that isn't to say that i consider every Dominant in that light, far from it, this view i have is for MG and MG alone, to anyone else, i am as equal and have as much right as they do and let anyone try and say otherwise. slave to only One, MG, to anyone else, feisty, opinionated, kick ass fem. As my MSN profile proudly claims.

Equal in what we offer one another, equal in what we give and receive, equal in that one cannot be, without the other...maybe, but He is Master and as such, hold a higher place than i as his slave will every do.

Don’t get me wrong here folks, I am not shouting that as a slave i have no worth or input into anything, nor am i condoning a Dominant attitude where the Dom takes, take takes and never gives anything back… not at all. What i am saying here is that for me, within the relationship i have with MG, He will ALWAYS be, the power, the force, and as such, i put him up high, i place him in a position of authority and because i do, i feel that he is on a higher plateau within our relationship….in fact.. that’s where i wish him to be.. want him to be.
For me, He will always be above me in our lives, that doesnt’t make me an less or worth any less, all it means for me is that as my Master, i look UP to him…. Not eye to eye. And that is how i like it and how it will always be, for me.

Oh..i am going to add a GREAT BIG FOOTNOTE HERE...just in case people have misinterupted what i am saying here...

i am slave, He is my Master, we cannot be equal or we would not be who we are

Saturday, January 01, 2005

January 1st 2005

I have always believed that D/s is a lifestyle to be lived and one to learn and grow into. I don't think anyone is born into it, it must be learned and practiced... a sub might have a submissive nature, might be naturally submissive in their daily life but along with that will come the need to learn about the lifestyle, about a Masters requirements, which of course will be totally different for each Dom they might come into contact with, it is a constant growth thing, with constant learning. The same applies to Doms, of course a Dominant personality is something that you are born with, but to be dominant in your every day life is a learning process as well and a major part of that learning is the one that builds trust.

I do not see how people can have wonderful and fulfilling relationships if they don’t have the essential element of trust, vanilla or otherwise, for without trust any relationship is fraught with dangers and pitfalls that life throw at all of us. I have thought so often of many of my friends relationships and how the husband lies to his lady wife about so many things or how she makes up false reasons for not doing what is considered her responsibility within that marriage and I am never really surprised when I hear that their relationship has floundered and they are going their separate ways. And then I think about what makes a good D/s relationship and I find that the element of trust between a Master and slave is such a major part of all they do and that because of the trust, there is no need for the lies and deceit that is all to prevalent in many peoples lives and yet still we have people who say D/s is not “normal” or is not right or is kinky and I think…if this is kinky or if this is abnormal then bring it on because I have total and absolute trust in MG and because I do, our relationship is as solid as a rock.

We have read all the horror stories about BDSM, but I suspect it’s rather like anything in life, if people don’t think it can hurt them, they don’t protect themselves against it, a naive attitude but one that we see a lot of, and without some firm groundwork and a time for learning about one another, trust cannot possibly be there from the outset, it takes time and a lot of it to build sufficient trust to place oneself into the hands of another.
In the beginning of a relationship, it’s essential to build trust and to develop that as time goes on. You can’t instantly give yourself to someone who you only just met! Surely that goes without saying yet some do and wonder why on earth it all goes pear shaped within a matter of days or weeks. What happened to the getting to know you period, the easy does it lets not go to fast and too far, what is there about D/s that drives people to take huge risks with life and limb, its silly and so unsafe, people wouldn’t usually do some of the things they get up to in the name of D/s, I don’t understand what drives them sometimes, honestly, but I know that some 'new' people get attracted to the lifestyle for its rather 'romantic' expectations. It’s those people I would hope, who will take the time to listen and learn about themselves and the lifestyle before they go head over heels and walk into something they really have little or no concept of and get themselves into big trouble.

It is a fantastic way of life, when the parties involved are caring and sensitive individuals who also happen to be sane, safe and consensually aware but there will always be those who are not, who use the lifestyle for other reasons, who have hidden agendas and only use chat and online to make an easy killing on some unsuspecting person who’s desires seem, (for some really weird reason) to have put up a mental block against their own safety and welfare.

On this first day of a New Year I ask all to take time and to step back just a little, make 2005 the year for you but do it safely and sanely and build the trust that is required before you give yourself totally to another.

Happy 2005 to you All