Friday, December 31, 2004

A long time coming

A couple of days when we can be a family. The Christmas period afforded us that this week and having got over the festivities and with the kids going to their dads for a day/overnight stay, Master and i finally made the trip to meet a Mistress and sub we have known for quite some time via online and the seekers chat room.

The times we have said we would pay them a visit have never come to anything for all sorts of reasons but this time, a quick decision by Master and we are off on our journey. It was a spur of the moment thing rather than plan weeks and months ahead of ourselves which never works out due mainly to the way our days are so taken up with the more mundane aspects of life. Not a vast distance either, a couple of hours drive away, an advantage of being UK based, the distances are never that great and can be done in a relatively short space of time... no excuse then really, not to take advantage of a few free days over the holiday period.

What can i say about the visit, without making the pair of them quake in fear of what we might have thought about them. ( i jest, because i know they will read this blog so i am winding them up really)

We laugh and joke on a daily basis, we talk and chat about life problems, helping out if at all possible, we are there always for each other and that's before we had even met real life. Finally able to put faces to chat nics, to the person behind the hours and hours of online conversation is great, it brings it all into the realms of reality, not that they were ever not real before as we have spoken often on the phone but to meet face to face and spend a few hours in each other company is great and a pleasure for me (i hope for them also).

What did we do, nothing really, talked, relaxed, had a meal, drank loads of tea and enjoyed finally being able to sit in the same space in time. But the depth of the relationship is now far more than it was before, for with reality comes a closer bond, the ability to "know" these people, they are now more than names on a screen, far more, and i for one hope that this bond grows further over time.

Of course, the chat was a lot about D/s and the way each couple lives and what floats their/our boats but there was no pretence, no trying to prove a point or make an impression, i think we have got long past that idea after 2/3 years of talking online, we were all, just ourselves and i know i can say, when the door was opened to us, it was like greeting a friend we hadnt seen for a while, for me there was no nerves in meeting for the first time and that i think was because, altho it is true that we have never actually being in each others company prior, it felt like, feels like, we have known these people forever and that this meeting was just a catch up on lost time.

My blogs tends to have some underlying motive, some gem of an idea that comes from most of the things that i write about, but right now, what that concept is i am not sure as i have yet to find a hidden reason or resource to come out of this visit other than to say, finally i have met these people who have become something of a major part of my social circle. Ahhh but you may say, they are only online friends, the chances of anything that constitutes their way of life, having any bearing on mine is unlikely, but you would be very wrong if you made that assumption. Online or not, these people are real, have real lives, real situations, real ups and downs and because they are friends, albeit online (until now) i care, they care, we care for one another, we worry, we try to help one another out, and talk, well.... they can talk for England !!

i guess what i really wanted to say in this blog was, thanks you two, for the opportunity to finally met you and for the hospitality afforded to MG and myself, you know where we are if and when, take care both (k)

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Politically Incorrect

"LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - The computer term "master/slave," which was banned as racially offensive by a Los Angeles County purchasing department, was named the most politically incorrect term of the year on Thursday. In computer terminology, "master/slave" refers to primary and secondary hard disk drives. But a Los Angeles county purchasing department told vendors in late 2003 that the term was offensive and violated the region's cultural diversity. The county's department of affirmative action undertook a hunt to replace it on packages.

"Master / Slave does not by default refer to the enslavement of Africans. It's accurate for hard drives. One drive controller controls the other. I doubt that the slave drive cares".

"So how come it's returned to semi-mainstream vocabulary. I don't mean using it in D/s situations because that's a whole area the mainstream is not ready for and by its nature, politically incorrect anyway."

End Quotes from various sources.

i don't feel politically incorrect in the way i choose to live my life and as with so many things that relate to those choices, all i can say is that if these people put half the energy they put into defining what is and is not offensive into working on getting along with other people the world would be a much better place. Far to many people make rash judgments about the population at large and in doing so, categorise all sorts of lifestyle choices that do not fall into the mainstream as being wrong or twisted or even, dare i say it perverted and yet, the life i have chosen to live hurts nor harms no one and in fact could be said to be a way of life that has a lot of advantages over some of the ones that are considered "acceptable"

Dont get me wrong here, D/s or M/s is never going to be perfect because it is made up of human beings and we are not perfect, there will always be those who do not follow the unwritten guidelines that many of us accept as the way in which this lifestyle is meant to be based on, The safe, sane and consensual ethos that is the mainstay of everything we do, there will always be those with hidden agenda's that cause those on the outside of D/s to have cause to criticise the way we choose to live. Thats only human nature, as i say, nothing is perfect but for those with serious intent, we try to live a way of life that is pleasing to us and in doing so have found something that works outside the mainstream and whether politically correct or not, it does work if you put into it, what you wish to get out of it.

As to the "Mainstream" being ready for the lifestyle many many choose to live, i wonder who makes the assumption that by its nature, D/s is politically incorrect because you can bet your bottom dollar it isn't anyone who lives this way because for those of us who do, we feel that the nilla way of life leaves a lot to be desired and that many many D/s couples live a far cleaner and purer existence that an awful lot of "normal" relationships.

MG and i rarely argue, we have no need for lies and deceit, we are totally honest and open with one another about all and every aspect of our lives. He has no need to fob me off with some weird and wonderful reason for his late home coming etc because as Master, he says he will be late and i would reply, "What time shall i have you dinner ready Sir"

i would no more question his decision on this or any aspect of how we live any more than i would go out and spend a fortune without his knowledge or permission, lie to him about what i have or have not been doing, blame someone else for my shortcomings etc. How many people can say they live such a life that is without the need for all the scheming and juggling with emotions and feelings of their partner for their own ends.
How many nilla couples will be spending their Christmas in front of the television so that they can block out the nagging wife or the drunken hubby , how many will sit there and claim to be happy when really what they want to do is go and meet the bit on the side that the wife/hubby knows nothing about, how many are just sitting there, in the comfort zone because its easier to stay than to leave and find the happiness that each of us really deserve in our lives.

Well, its not like that for us, the honesty, the trust that is found within a D/s or M/s relationship cuts out the need for any of that, if that trust is broken, then the M/s has gone as well and because that is acknowledged and each know that that is how it is, it just doesn't happen, not within an established real life M/s way of life, well, certainly not in mine it doesn't.

Oh yes, some might say, Open your eyes cleo, it cant be that perfect, but let me tell you folks, it is... Of course, we have the normal mundane, nitty gritty problems that everyone else has but we deal with those in a slightly different way than many couples, they will be discussed and mulled over and a possible solution found but at the end of the day the decision will be MG's, if there is something that needs to be done, He will decide when and how, if we are invited out, he will make that decision too and even down to what i will wear, no need for the big flap about that, no need for me to ask if i look ok and have him mutter something from the other room that says nothing at all really but might keep me happy even if i look awful, His decision, His choice, but then it would be, as all the clothes i own, He has picked out so i am never going to wear something he disapproves off. There will never be an argument about what to watch on the television or what film to go and see, He will make that decision also... that is what an M/s life is about, the sub/slave given that right over to her Master, that's what we as sub/slaves commit too if we are serious and genuine in our need to submit to another's control.
MG's taste in music is not always the same as mine and yet i will listen to his choice because it pleases him and that is what i am after, to see he is pleased and as such, if he wants to listen to Deep Purple, so be it. No argument from me. If he wants a certain dinner, then that's what we have, i might make suggestions, i might say what we have in that he can choose from, but its his choice, there is no need for any big bangs or blow ups because i give him the right to make the choices for us both and i have trust and faith in him enough to know that whatever he decides will be, not only in his best interest but in mine also. He has never once abused that trust and i am pretty sure, knowing him as i do, that he never will.
Now that's trust folks, can you say the same ? Can you say that you have enough trust to put your life, literally in another's hands and know that you are safe and that that trust will not be abused? Do you have trust that your partner is 100% honest with you about every aspect of their lives ? i can.

Obviously, not all M/s relationships work on this level, but ours does and so do many that live a Power exchange, 24/7 way... nothing is every perfect but we try and will continue to try to make our life as near perfect (for us) as we can.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

I'm dreaming of a..........

i have spent some time this evening mapping out the next couple of weeks and the comings and going of our little family here...

The girls have their fathers side of the family they will wish to see and i would never stop them from doing that and as such, it takes some co-operation between myself and my Ex to arrange times and places and movements of the girls so that they have a good holiday season and an enjoyable one.
Christmas is a time for kids and just because their father and i are no longer together i don't see that is any reason to put obstacles in the way of their happiness and enjoyment. So he and i do try and make it work out so that the girls have the best of both world and we usually do that quite well. i am not one to use the kids and i tend to get along with him for their sakes and i have to say we seem to have worked it all out quite well over the last couple of years. A little time here, a little time there, just takes a bit of organising and co-operation on everyone's part. The main thing is to see that the children have as special a time as we can all make for them. Well that's the idea anyway.

Having made my little map of where and when, with whom and on what day, for the next two weeks, adding into that, when MG is home or off work and when he isn't, i have come to the conclusion that there is only one day or night during the entire 2 weeks when MG and i will be alone, that being Christmas day night, therefore affording us little if any M/s time together over the forthcoming 2 weeks.

The needs i have to serve my Master and i am not talking sexually here but my general need and desire to kneel before him, to react and behave like the slave i am, to wear his slave collar, to be here for his pleasure as and when he requires me to be, is not always an easy thing to do when the children are around and we have tended to keep those times more for when we are alone. It works better that way, without the need to worry about the children and what bearing if any our actions might have on them, so we prefer to keep that side of our relationship well out of their way as we are sure it is best for all concerned.
Thats unfortunately doesn't leave a lot of room for maneuver this next couple of weeks and i am a bit perturbed by that, my desires don't just go away, they cannot just be pushed to one side to long periods of time, on previous occasions when we have had to do that by force of circumstances, we always see a drop in my submissive attitude and a lowering of my self esteem when i cannot perform my duty's as slave to MG.

i add again, i am not referring to the sexual side of our relationship but more the needs of MG's to be dominant and mine to be submissive which altho that runs right through our daily lives, when the children are at their fathers usually, we have a chance to get deeper into that frame of mind and of course, interact in a different way towards one another than we would normally do when the children are at home.

Try as i might to juggle dates and times, i have yet to find that much needed window of opportunity that would allow us, even for a short period of time, to slip into the M./s mode that makes us who we are.

Time will tell, who knows, something may come up, i do hope so...

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Blog V's Journal

i have both and i must say that i have been rather worrying about them and resolved at some point during the day to approach MG about the matter. You see, i have for a long time kept a journal that is private to just my Master and i, in which i would add, on a daily basis the sort of things that we felt needed noting or that had some bearing on my life as a slave. Each days entry would reflect how i was, what i might be thinking, what, if anything had happened that should be noted etc so that we could both look back over our development as Master and slave or even review how the little changed we have added might have either worked out well or fallen flat on their faces. MG would often put his own thoughts down regarding a particular entry and in that way we could log our progress as we moved deeper into the lifestyle and our own power exchange.

But, it has been missed rather a lot lately, in fact it has dried up completely these last few weeks and it suddenly occurred to me today that i had not been making the effort to write it up as i should. Now if i had even missed one day before MG would have pulled me up over that and pointed out that the journal had not been completed so you came imagine my thoughts when i looked today and found that no entry had been made since early December and even more so that Master had not said a thing about it. Whereas, in the past he would have bought such a slip up to my attention straight away, pointing out that it was part of our M/s, that we had both agreed, that the journal would be completed daily. Having made this discovery, i had decided that i would write an entry during today so that MG would see it later and hopefully the subject would come up for some sort of debate but i have to be honest and say i really didn't know what i was going to write or how he would react to the revelation so i sort of put it off again and again, not really sure even how to approach the subject.

i could, i thought,

  • write the entry knowing he would at some point get a mail (that's how the journal is set, sends a mail to Masters inbox when an entry is made) and in that entry explain why the journal had not been kept up ( do i have a good reason tho)
  • i could do nothing and hope he hadn't/didn't notice as he hasn't for at least a couple of weeks or so i thought and just carry on regardless and wait for him to say something.
  • if i did either of the above, would i just be asking for trouble in that i was admitting i hadn't done what had been asked of me and which i know has always been a requirement.
  • Grab the bull by the horns and openly confess my lack of obedience regarding the journal and be ready to take the consequences for my lack of action.

None of the above gave me a lot to work with but i was very aware that i really needed to sort this and putting it off wasn't going to make it any easier the longer i left it.

  • Its not as if i didn't know i hadn't made any entries, for 3 years now i have done my journal daily, its not something i can really say i forgot about.
  • It has been very much an integral part of our development and has always been a main stay of our daily lives.
  • Is there really a good excuse !!!
  • Am i in big trouble here ?
  • Why hadn't MG said anything?
  • Was he waiting for me to confess my disobedience?
  • Better fess getting away from it !!!

Time and again i ran various entries around my brain, how to explain, what to explain even. Once or twice i opened the journal at the page, sat ready to write and still didn't get anywhere, not really even knowing where to begin. I'd close it down, reopen it, try again and still, by 3pm i had nothing to show for my days worry. Not one single word. Not anything that i felt would justify my disobedience in not completing one of the very first and longest running tasks that my Master had set for me so long ago.

Now, here's a thing... most days i'll write a blog, sometimes its M/s related, sometimes its about something that's happened in my life, sometimes its about nothing in particular, but when i do write, i feel i usually have something to say on some subject that has stirred me into action. i had begun to have difficulty in making the journal entry along side the blog and what i had started to find was that they were becoming cardon copies of each other with maybe a few more personal details in the journal that i felt were not for public consumption. Why waste the effort to write the same thing twice i had thought, do one or another but not both as MG was reading the same thing in both entries so there really wasn't any point in making the two entries... but... the journal was a requirement, the blog wasn't... one would therefore assume that it should be the journal that got the attention, not the blog, ahhh but me being me, i have to do it the other way around and keep the blog up and let the journal slip... Bad slave, nawty slave..grrrrrrrrr

Oh confess you silly slave, throw yourself at your Masters feet, reveal all and take whatever punishment is coming your way. So i did....!!!! not in written form, but face to face, one on one, i told MG about the journal..or lack of.. and

Do you know what......

He knew it wasn't being written and in his words... it doesn't really matter because what he needs to see or know about regarding my mood or frame of mind or what might be running around my slavelike brain, he can read in my blog. If its more personal and something that he wont find in these pages he would far rather we talked about, you know, in front of one another, open and verbal... speaking, communicating, talking to one another about any little problems we might have.. who needs to see it written in a journal entry... if it needs saying, if it needs discussing then he and i should be doing that together, face to face, real time... communication... the cornerstone of any good relationship be it M/s or otherwise.

So we talked and we moved forward a little more into the Power exchange, maybe not as some would see it but in our way, in the way that works for us. In open and honest communication between Master and slave, where all aspects of who we are is open and upfront, be that how each are coping with life in general, what makes one see red, green pink or blue.. in real time, real voice, to be heard, not seen on a computer screen or in some far off, non descript computer generated journal that is cold and lifeless. Why write it there when i can turn and stand in front of my master and say "Sir, ......" and know i will be heard and that what i have to say will be listened to, discussed and usually, if its a problem, resolved in the same space in time as it was openly discussed... not write it down, wait 4 hours till Master has time to read it, wait for him to write his reply and so on...

i am slave to MG, we live this day by day, as such it is surely only right and proper that as part of the Power exchange we are able to come to one another and speak freely about all aspects of our daily lives. If we cant, if that doesn't happen..then..Something is very wrong.

You might say that it was wrong for both of us to not have resolved this problem before, for me to have spoken about it sooner, for MG to have said something even if it was, its ok not to write the journal, or that he was aware i had let it slip, that way at least i might not have had to go through today worrying..and of course you would be correct, but, we are not perfect, we make errors of judgment like anyone else but we usually resolve those before they become huge stumbling blocks and that what we did today. So the journal will be archived for a while, not deleted and i shall maintain the blog for public viewing and the rest...well... thats between Master and i .

Friday, December 17, 2004

A Christmas Thought.

"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! on Cupid! on, *Donder and Blitzen!"

.....i just had to put that in because i think its lovely and it sets the Christmas spirit which i have to say seems to be beginning to boil up a little bit here in the South of England and more so in our home.... the flat is decorated, the tree is up and the lights sparkle and tinkle and make the girls smile...the advent calendars are nearly all open as each days brings them closer to the time when all those parcels under the tree, that took me so long to wrap, will be ripped open and the joy and pleasure on my lil ones faces will make all the effort worth while.
Looks like Master will get a few days holiday as his meany boss has conceded and is to close up shop for a few days over the festive we will have some time together which will be really good as at one point we even thought he might have to work right over the whole Christmas period.
But this evening, i am alone, the kids are at their fathers, MG is at work and here i sit, in a drafty flat, the only sound is the wind howling around outside as the weather has turned somewhat into the winter that we knew would arrive, pouring rain, howling winds and not a spec of snow.... oh for some snow at Christmas....

In my childhood, we always had snow at Christmas time, it was what made the season what we have all come to expect, but no more, what with global warming and the shift in the weather patterns around the world, snow in the UK and even more so in the south is rare. My youngest at 10 years old, has seen snow once in her lifetime and that didn't last more than a few hours before it turned to slush.
Those friends we have in the states, tell us of mountains 4, 5, 6 feet deep and complain of how it also disrupts their way of life, of digging out cars and bad road conditions so i guess that i really shouldn't complain as really, it has been proven time and time again that the grass isn't greener or the snow any whiter on the other side of the fence.
We have what we have, we are what we are and we should all be grateful for what we are given in life and stop with the moans and groans about what others may have that we might desire because at the end of the day our grass or snow is just that, ours and we should be happy with what we have.

That also applies to our lives, making the most of what we have, not bemoaning about what we do not have. i of course am as bad as the next, i wail and moan about how little time i have with MG or how cold it is or how much i miss our one on one time and yet, as i am sure i have said before, i should count myself lucky that i have a master who adores me, two fine and healthy children, a roof over my head, food in my belly.... there are so many who are far worse off then i, in many aspects of their lives, how can i complain really...!!!

My Christmas will be one that may not be as grand or as indulgent as some but i am sure it will be a vast improvement on that of another Mother and children in some remote , far off corner of the world and i do consider myself to be lucky in that i do have these things that many wont be seeing this year.

  • Take joy and happiness in what you have that makes your life what it is
  • Don't waste your time wishing for the things you do not have.
  • Remember, somewhere, someone has even less than you.

A Merry Christmas to you all, may your festive season be all you hope it will be.

* There is much reference the the correct spelling of the reindeer named... Donder/Donner therefore to save confusion and for those who may be interested in why i have spelt it as i have, i include this foot note.

What are the names of Santa's reindeer?

The question of spelling regarding Donner/Donder. The reference is to "Thunder and Lightning" ergo, Donner und Blitzen (in German). Donder en Bliksem (in Dutch)

Since Clement Clarke Moore wrote 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' with reference to Dutch literature according to, the correct spelling is most likely Donder and Bliksem and not Donner and Bliksen.

Authors and businessmen are at the bottom of Santa’s ungulate fixation. Washington Irving’s “A History of New York” had Saint Nicolas riding on a horse with a wagon. Fifteen years later, in 1821, a poem called "Santeclaus" provided the jolly one with a sleigh drawn by a single reindeer. The venerable “The Night Before Christmas” added depth to his reindeers by giving them names,"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!", and describing the way in which Saint Nicholas (who was an elf at this point hence the miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer) shimmies out of houses. And -- no joke -- a controversy still exists as to whether “Donner” or “Donder” is the true name of the seventh reindeer. (Senator Robert J. Dole (R-Kansas) allegedly called for an investigation on this extremely critical issue.)
So it was. For over a hundred years, Santa had eight reindeers. Then, in 1939, a Chicago-based chain of department stores (Montgomery Wards)gave him a ninth. The company asked one of their copywriters to write a Christmas story as a promotional gimmick. Robert L. May’s Rudolph was not actually the offspring or even a distant cousin of Santa’s existing reindeer, he was from an “ordinary” reindeer village outside of the North Pole (read: wrong side of the tracks). And unlike Johnny Marks’ famous song, Rudolph was very much loved by his parents, and only minimally subjected to ridicule. Moreover, he wasn’t hand-picked by Santa because of his shiny nose. Santa discovered him by accident, when he noticed the glow under the red-nosed reindeer's door while delivering presents to his house -- aw, even animals get gifts! Weatherman Claus had noticed the fog earlier in the evening and, feeling that it would lead to delays and accidents, gave Rudolph the rags-to-riches story his nose deserved. Upon their successful return home, Santa said: "By YOU last night's journey was actually bossed. Without you, I'm certain we'd all have been lost!"
And then there were nine.
P.S. Until 1931, when Coca-Cola made him human-sized with the classic red and white suit in their illustrations, Santa remained an elf. Now that’s a promotion.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

An Odd Revelation.

This evening i have had to attend a school function that my youngest daughter was taking part in. The Annual Christmas Carol Concert, held in the local church is a yearly event that i have now attended eleven times, firstly with my eldest daughter and now with the lil one. Each year the church seems to get colder and the singing/musical interludes more or less on a par with the last one ( in other words, a terrible racket but i didn't say that), yet every year i attend and tell them both how lovely it was and how proud i am of my children and their musical ability.

What has this to do with my blog and/or where does my standing as slave to MG come into this apart from the fact that as parents we must support the efforts of our children in whatever manner we can, be that school functions or extra curricula activities, not as Master and slave but in the roles we have as adults and parents and that too is a part of who we are and will always be. (The netball matches are always held on the coldest or wettest days i have found)

But this year, i had to go to the Carol Concert without my Master beside me as he had to work this evening and that meant that as it was right for me to attend my lil ones concert, i had to go alone. And that caused me some consternation and left me feeling empty and very alone.
Now this is rather odd for me, the experience of going alone somewhere, as i normally either go with MG or i don't go at all and i have become very used to that. There are not many events that require my attendance that haven't worked out so that we can go together so this evening was a rarity and one i hope that doesn't happen too often as i wasn't at all happy going without MG . I have become quite dependent on him being there with me, as a guide, as a support, as my Master in all things and i now find it quite disconcerting to have to do these things alone.
i am quite capable of making these little excursions, i have always done it in the past, in fact, in the eleven years that i have attending this particular function i would think i have gone alone to at least half of those and yet, this year, i felt the lost, the need to have MG beside me and something even funnier was that it was dark and i never go out in the dark or if i have too, its never without MG.. how silly is that, im 49 years old and i don't go out in the dark alone !!!
i guess i have become pretty dependent on MG for all sorts of things and his holding my hand, literally and metaphorically is one of those lil dependencies that i have become very use too and now feel a little lost without.
i am not sure if that is good or bad to be honest, that i rely on him so heavily, that i am so dependent on having him walk beside me in so many basic aspects of my life but i also think that its because of the closeness and the M/s relationship that we have that this sort of thing will happen. The restrictions i have on me, by design and by the way we choose to live our lives places me in a position of being dependent on his word and permission to do so many things that i have given up the right and need to choose for myself or to do things without him being there.
Unfortunately there are going to be times when he cannot be with me therefore i must still be able to function as a single unit sometimes but that has become less and less and i suppose that is why, when it does happen, i find it a difficult exercise to do. However, its not something i relish or that i would want to do on an regular basis and i hope i don't have too.... i am slave, i choose not have to make decisions for myself, i give that over to my Master and in doing so i have come to rely on him to make those choices for me, even down to what i wear and where i go. Thats what being his slave means and i give it gladly and i know he holds that responsibility willingly. So the difficulty come when he isn't here to tell me what to wear or when to go out or when to be back etc altho i did have to text before, during and after my evening so that he was fully aware of my whereabouts and that i was safely home afterwards which gave me some sense of well being anyway.

Still, i did what i had to do and my lil one had her mother close at hand to hear her sing and play and that too, is an important aspect of who i am, working to the best of my ability as MG's slave and mother to my children. They are my life, as much a part as Master is and as a family unit we usually work these things out so that everyone's needs are fulfilled and i think i managed to get the balance right this evening even tho it meant i had to take the bull by the horns and brave, yes brave going alone because its become a bit like that, i have to steel myself to do these things now, they are no longer natural to me. i am not independent, i was, but i gave that up a long time ago.

Techno Magic

Oh the wonders of modern technology... the video and the DVD, the digi box and the remote... the satellite and the mobile phone, texts and e mail...and then we have the PC..the hub of the whole operation..that once was said would take over the mundane, hum drum jobs in the world.
Thank goodness we still have a few human beings around because when the broadband connection goes haywire, no machine can fix that, its down to the little man at the exchange to flick this or that switch which was what was required to bring our ADSL back online after some 3 days of no internet. Was i worried, well, not terribly, however, it did prove to me a couple of things...
  • i am not a chat addict. i really didn't miss that side of my pc time that much.
  • i am however, pretty dependent on a net connection for about every other aspect of my life. Be that, our personal banking, train time tables, dictionary, information centre, news, weather, in fact about every thing we do, we do via the internet. E Bay, shopping, keeping in touch with friends, all via the net, there is little or no need to even leave the comfort of my home.
  • My blog caused me more ruffles than not being about to chat as i couldn't post my usual banter for a few days
  • The kids were lost and had to do their homework in pen and paper for a change, without the use of net pages and info
The WWW has opened up the world at large and i find that the circle of friends i now have is vast and spreads to the four corners of the world, in fact, most of those i call friends i am never likely to met but that is ok because i can feel the truth and warmth coming from them more so than i can from some who live next door and who give off false representations of who they really are. i have more trust in some of those people i have met, who live thousands of miles from me, more faith in their words and more feeling and emotion for them than many of those who i am akin to, which is really odd when you think about it. i would go further and give more to some i have met via the net than i would for those who would happily take all that i had to offer without a second thought or backward glance and have proved this to me on many occasions.

Of course..there will always be the bad apple in any barrel and i have had my fair share of those too..the twisted, the warped, the liars and the cheats...they will always be around but i think that over my time on the net i have gained an insight into how people work and i can spot a fraudster a mile off, which is an advantage.

i am also empathic which means i can feel the genuine and the not so and i can usually tell when i am being lied to and when i am not and it has been said that cleo is not often wrong, so i do get some things right every now and then.

Its a bit of a shame tho that i cannot take that empathy and use it to my own advantage, to feel those things that might have some bearing on me and mine, but it has always been said and is well noted that these "gifts" that we are empowered with are never meant to be used for our own gain and as such it isn't something that i have ever felt the need to use, in fact, now i come to think about it, i have not once ever considered using it for my own ends, i wonder why not, maybe because i know somewhere deep down inside me that it wasn't given to me for that reason.
i seem to have this drawing force around me, that bring people to me for whatever reason, strangers who call to me, or do i call to them, i am not sure, but when the call is heard or answered, its usually for a reason and it usually has an end result that is of some benefit to all concerned. Well i hope that's how it turns out because if it doesn't, then i am probably using my gift badly and that would never do.
i seem to be a magnet that draws people to me from out of nowhere, for no apparent reason, they don't know why they are attracted to me nor i to them and yet, if we talk for a while, it usually becomes obvious that either one or the other has some snippet or some need to be a part of the circle i turn in and that as a result, some good comes out of the meeting.
i have experienced some strange meetings on the net with people who have sought me out, who have been pulled in my direction, they don't know why, they cannot explain it yet they know, they have this desire to come to where i am, not even to talk or to seek me out, but to be in the vicinity of this force i seem to radiate.
i have to say that sometimes, its a weird and scarey feeling, to have a stranger tap you on the cyber shoulder and say hi, why i am here i don't know, but i had to come. And that's happened so many times yet i am still not used to that but when it has, i seem to instinctively know no fear or have any doubt about why they have come.
Odd you might say and i cannot deny that it is and yet, hand on heart, this happens and has happened many times and each time it does it warms me beyond imagination.

Some one came to me, out of the blue and i hope that i can hold her hand if that is why she has come and in doing so, help her over some difficult times she may be having, To her, if she reads this i would like to say, Happy Birthday. May the light you see in your lil one eyes, warm you and show you that he is still with you and will always be so, for as long as you see him in her, you have not lost him.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Under Pressure

i made a conscious decision when i created this blog, not to just write for the sake of writing something, that there was always to be a reason or a need to have my say on whatever it was that stirred my imagination or had an influence on me at any given time. i can see no point in writing a load of words if they really have no bearing or significance to me or because i am pressured into making up some drivel just to have a blog published on that day and that folks, is the main reason for a few days of no blogging, i just haven't felt like it or felt up to it.

A bit under the weather i am right now, due mainly to my own stupidity as i know what i should and shouldn't eat but i get carried away sometimes and then suffer for hours because of it. A friend told me that it is probably due to years and years of bad diet and my habit of starving myself one day and pigging out the next. Now, at my age, its beginning to have a major impact on my daily life as i now have some trouble in eating a proper meal and keeping it down or at least, being comfortable with it. i think i have the solution tho and that is to eat little and often as i cannot seem to digest a full meal all at once. i just have to get into the habit that's all... give me time and i am sure i can resolve this.

Apart from the food problem, i also think i am beginning to see some of the effects of that time in a females life when the body clock beings to wind down and all the hormones start playing havoc with the system, little things that one begins to notice were not there before, like swollen fingers and of course the hot/cold flushes, the night sweats, the lack of a seem benefit from a nights sleep... if i can sleep through the night that is.
All in all i am not feeling great at present and what with Christmas nearly here, things still have to be done and i haven't got the energy to do them.

MG is on his 4 of a 5 day shift , i seemed to have spent a lot of alone time these last few days and to be escape is to sleep it off if i can which is what i am going to do now.

Sorry for a crap blog but i didn't want to leave it too long without writing something.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

That time of Year

i suppose that you could say, its that time of year, when the mother in me seems to come to the front and my whole being is dedicated and devoted to seeing that the festive season goes with a bang or should i say a cracker. i have these memories of past Christmas's, some happy and some not so happy, those of my childhood, through no fault of any one's, were not anything to write home about but at least we had a Christmas each year. In my adult life and more so in my time as a mother, i have watched my children's expectations grow along with each passing year, not only of their little lives, but what was going to be under the tree !!!.

i have just finished a wrapping marathon, trying to get the gifts sorted and away from prying eyes and mischievous fingers, i use more sellotape than one would think possible, just to secure each fold so that under no circumstances can an edge be lifted.... it makes for a more enjoyable run up... if they cant get at what's under the paper.

i try not to disappoint them each year.. sometimes i know i have got it totally wrong, other, i see the thrill and joy on their faces and know that that year.. i hit the nail right on the head. Yet each run up to the event leaves me in fear that i might just have made a big boo boo and gone right of track. Yet i keep on trying and hoping that, with the innocence of youth, which isn't with them for long, they are allowed to enjoy these happy times and that the festive season is all they could hope for.

So, the mother in me kicks in and that is the thought behind this blog for today, that of trying to resolve the inner conflict that i sometimes have of the role of slave to my Master and that of Mother/Dominant force to my children. It is never that easy believe me, switching in and out of these roles as the need arises and i have to say a thank you to my two girls who afford me the space that i sometimes need when trying to deal with both elements of my life.

My desire sometimes to serve my Master comes into conflict with my role as Mother in as much as i am pulled in two different directions and occasionally have to make a choice which way i jump first. MG will always say that the children are first and that is as it should be, and they will always have that attention any time they need it, however, my own conflict is that if i am perfectly honest about it...there are times when i really want to jump to Master but cannot because Mother always comes before my role as slave.
Of course.. We compromise, all of us and we get it sorted one way or another without to much fuss but again, i have to say that there are times when my burning desire is to serve my Master and i have this major battle on my hands.

The children are not a part of the way Master and i have chosen to live, and they have needs which must be met before either MG's or mine and i will always see that it is done that way... that does not stop me wanting to do completely the opposite and go with what i want. But its only a passing thought as i know i will always put my children before me or MGs... always, however, the underlying sub/slave in me... sometimes wants so badly to be with MG that i have to fight it and do what is right by my kids first and then find the time and resources to do what is right by my Master.

As a family, just us and the kids, together, sitting round the television or playing a game, no one would know we lived any differently to any other family, but deep within is always the slave which shines out when i interact with MG and the Mother when its with the girls. Switching from one to another in an instant if that is what is needed.

i hope i don't do too bad a job and that i am not failing any of them.... i can only give to each, what i have to give, i pray i have enough to go around

Monday, December 06, 2004

Abuse of Power..!!

My youngest daughter has a teacher, who it seems, like to intimidate his pupils and instill fear into them in order to get them to tow the party line. He isn't what i would describe as a big man nor is he anything to write home about, not to me anyway, but then i am not 4 foot something nor am i 10 years old, therefore submissive i may be to my Master, but where this jerk is concerned... i am a formidable enemy to have ...and i think Master and i might just have instigated world war four and a half where this man (if i can call him that, when he feels that to scare his class into silence is acceptable) is concerned today.
To intimidate people (little or otherwise) in this manner is to use what power you feel you have over them in order to get something.. maybe in order to feel more in control or more able to be seen to be in control and i find that to be so annoying and certainly not justifiable ... in this instance.. to instill fear in my child to get results or to be seen to have his class under control. He has tried on several occasions to tell me that my child (or any other) is not afraid of him but i am not convinced and now it is time to do something about it.
The use of fear tactics under any circumstances is not acceptable and altho in this instance i am talking about a child...dominated by a man in the guise of a teacher, who i guess is at least 40 something, i find that totally reprehensible and i am going to take this all the way to the top if i have too.... He has to be stopped. To dominate within the lifestyle is consensual on the part of both the parties involved and it has been said many many times before, that once it goes beyond the realms of consent, it becomes abuse... an abuse of power, an abuse of physical strength and in the instance of my child and her teacher... use of his intellectual prowess as well..... over a 10 year old.

Within D/s the use of the power exchange as stated, is consensual, and as such, both parties know from the outset, each others limits and/or expectations, they are more than likely to be of a similar mindset of the aspects of the lifestyle that both are willing to take part in and should have both agreed, prior to any deeper involvement, a pattern to the whys and wherefore of the relationship. What each are looking for within that relationship may differ considerable to what another couple might be looking for, but as a general rule, as long as those involve are consensual, then whatever they might decide, is for their choosing and no one has the right to tell then that they shouldn't be doing this or that..
The building of trust within a lifestyle relationship can take a while, but once it is established, as long as it isn't abused, it can be built upon until it is sufficient to enable the couple to move further into what it is that both seek.
My daughter it would seem, is not afforded that right.... i mean.. she is only 10 years old and has no ability to tell this jerk where to get off, instead, is now having to go about this scholastic year in fear and trepidation and watch her back at all times. What makes this different, other than the fact that she is only 10 and we are talking about an education system here, is that if this behaviour was viewed within a lifestyle context, people would be screaming "Abuse"

Well good people.....i am beginning to scream...not to loudly right now.....but boy oh boy...the man had better start watching his back because as i say..submissive i may be within a consensual relationship with Master...but where my children are concerned... i can and will be a force to be reckoned with.

i'll let you know how the saga continues.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Short and sweet

i have had what can only be described as a long old day, with the kids away and MG sleeping off the night shift, the hours dragged by . It would be so easy to get filled up with self pity and allow that to become the focus of my whole day but what purpose would that serve..none at all. However..trying to drag oneself out of the mood is not always easy and i find sometimes that to bury my head under the duvet and sleep away the lonely times, sometimes is what i need. Only trouble with that is that i then cannot sleep at night when i am alone again anyway while MG is at work, i toss and turn, my mind racing and bringing so many thoughts into my head that i would have little chance of sleeping even if i were totally shattered. i don't sleep well at the best of times, no real reason why, just don't and that in itself causes me no end of problems, as with tiredness self doubt creeps in and mistakes are made and that's when i usually end up in some sort of bother.
Like right now...i have just felt i had to leave the chat room as every remark seems to grate on my senses and in those circumstances.. Its best for all concerned that i leave before i say or do something that i will later regret or that will reflect badly on seekers.

But... In the light of a very recent mail i have received i have to say that i am lucky in what i have and really have little or no reason to complain about my lot in life. My submission to my Master is paramount and is the thread which runs through my life and as long as that remains in tact.. then all is well with my world and these off days can be counted as just days when i am not at my best.
Tomorrow is another day, started new with the rising of the sun in the morning.....lets see what is in store for me...i am sure i will not be disappointed.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Re Focused

Following on from yesterdays entry when it was in the front of my mind that my submission and all that it entails has been somewhat off the mark of late, i am pulled kicking and screaming into the here and now with an incident that could never have been foreseen but that has put me fairly and squarely back at my Masters feet and under his control... which is of course.. where i always want to be.. so why am i shouting about it. Maybe because it was the very last thing that i had expected to happen and because of that i was a bit taken aback by the whole thing.

So you may ask..what could possibly have happened in such a short space of time to bring this slave once more to her knees.... well having overstepped the bounds of what is acceptable within our M/s relationship by not seeking permission or discussion on a comm change with Master, He felt rightly that some discipline was needed as i seem to be a bit of a loose cannon at present, going my own sweet way without thought to who i am ( a slave) and that i need to seek MGs approval on matters such as this. Altho we do not quite met here on the reasons for the discipline and i voiced my opinions on those reasons to Him, as His slave it is my duty to submit to His decision, which i have done.
In that one act, of bending and submitting to my Master's power and control, in that simple act i have been firmly put right back where i belong, at the feet of my Master, whom i love and adore and who is my life and my entire world... so i cannot complain.. it is after all the place i long to be.

But in the moment of submitting i can only think of the pain and the hurt i am feeling, not just the physical, but the mental and emotional pain that i have caused by even placing myself in a position that leads my Master to feel he has a need to discipline me in the first place and try as i might to focus on the reasoning behind the act, all that runs through my head is..what have i done, why am i reduced to being punished ... what was i thinking.. will i ever learn... all these thoughts and when i have time to reflect on each one...i guess that i am not perfect and i am going to make mistakes and if i do, it is MGs duty and responsibility to correct me, he would be failing in his position as my Master if he did not.

Anyway... having taken my punishment like a good slave, ( i lie, it reduced me to a blubbering heap as punishment always does and a very sore rear end to boot, which is currently causing me some discomfort as i type) i now feel that i am firmly back where i should be, at my Masters feet, under His control and in an attempt to keep myself there i have made some lil decisions of my own which i hope Master will approve of.

It is my intention to try and keep this "attitude" and have it flow through all that i do from now on, i shall try my best to remain focused on who i am in all aspects of my daily life. The only problem i can see with this is that i may cause some extra weight on MG which he really doesn't need right now... not as if he doesn't have enough pressure, what with work and lack of sleep etc.. in having His slave come to him on many points of her daily life which she would normally just go about without a second thought however, if that turns out to be case, in MGs' best interest i shall need to rethink how i can remain focused on who i am, more than i have been doing in the past.

i am slave, i want to be a slave but for so many years i have had to rely on myself to make some basic life decisions and i admit i sometimes find it hard to let that go and refer to MG on things that i have always just assumed and taking responsibility for. i have to learn.. or re learn that as His slave, i no longer need or should want to do that..its hard.. but i shall try and keep trying and if i make a mistake, if i err on the wrong side..i can only hope that MG will take the steps needed to see that i am brought back on track by whatever means he feels are in my best interest.

Thursday, December 02, 2004


i am not sure where to begin this entry because some might feel that i really have no need to make it, but, the idea of my blog from the very beginning was to reflect how my life is going and also as a place to me to publish my thoughts on various subjects. It seems to me tho that of late, it is more of the latter and less of how and who cleo is.
So today, its about me and what is going on in my head right now, which as i say, some may feel isn't really worth a read, but here goes anyway.
MG has been home for 5 days, what a great 5 days too, we rarely get a chance to spend that much time together and i think i have been rather spoilt because it comes as a great big downer when he has to return to the grind and i go all flat and lifeless without him around. That's where i am right now, at about as low in the bottomless pit as i can be.
Why?.. who knows, the euphoria of having him around, the special times we have together, the one on one, the love making and M/s, all these things we have time to take part in and now, ziltch, nothing, mundane, boring, hum drum daily life resumes and to be honest, i don't know what to do with myself.
Oh i have my chores, the washing that's piled up while he has been at home, and lets not forget that pile will need ironing sooner rather than later, but i don't mean those kinds of thing, i mean my Master, his slave and all that entails has disappeared now that he is back on the work mode of life and as much as i appreciate that that is how it has to be, that doesn't make it any easier to come to terms with. You could say that i should be grateful for the time we had and truly, i am, but like most nice things in life, the more we have the more we want... and i want more and more... and the more i get, just makes me want and need and i cant have.

So lets get on with life and stop with the whinging you could say, you have it made cleo... and of course i couldn't agree more, i am aware, as i have been told on so many occasions, that i am very lucky to have what i have, in that i am in a stable, devoted M/s relationship, that my Master is one who many would give their eye teeth for, (not MG (he is mine, all mine) in particular but what it is that makes him a Dom ) that i am well cared for and loved and that the way in which we conduct our lives and how that reflects on us as a couple, is what many wish to attain.. and not many have found, and yet still, here i sit, while he sleeps off the effects of last nights 12 hour shift, readying himself for the next one this evening and i am lost without his input into my day. Is that sad, a grown woman, with most if not all of the daily chores to do, just like a million other housewives/ mothers/ partners and all i can do is moan about what i haven't got.

A question was asked in our comm yesterday about what it is that makes the M/s lifestyle so different from the vanilla style and i guess that what i am saying here might just be an answer to that question.

The life of a submissive/slave is totally intertwined with that of her Master, he is the focal point, the hub round which she turns, the pinnacle of her life and without his guidance, his input into her life she becomes only part of who she can be because her focus is missing, her reason for being who she is... it is seen so often when a M/s relationship comes to an end, that the sub is left floundering in a space where she has no idea of how to cope or manage, having become so use to having the constant input of her Dominant to guide a large majority of how she behaves, interacts with others, with him etc she no longer knows which way to turn... that is of course not to say that we are all brain dead or that we cannot function without the support of our Masters, not at all.. what it means is that subs prefer to have the constant input of their Doms, it is a major part of what living a M/s lifestyle is all about, that they give over so much of themselves into the relationship that when they are not called to do that, they have to find other means by which to pull themselves along the road of life, ways that they would prefer not to have to find. If that was how they wished to live the chances are they would not be a sub or be within the bounds of an M/s relationship, preferring to live a nilla life and all that entails. It may well be that as subs, it is a part of who we are, the need to have a focus, something to guide our time and our days, i know for sure that it is a need i have.

Had MG said to me that i must do this or that today, i would be in perfect fettle, i would have my focus, i would know where i was going within my submission, within my servitude to him even had the request been of no M/s bearing whatsoever, that he had made the request would be enough... the very fact that i had been given direction on which i could focus my day i would be right where i have a need to service to my Master. Without that, i am lost, i admit it...

In my vanilla days, before M/s i had times when i had no purpose to my day and having experienced the tightness, even confinement to a degree, of the power exchange that is of my choosing, i have within my relationship with MG, found what i need, the control, the focus, the knowledge that i have a reason to do whatever it is i am doing, be it M/s or otherwise, because the direction is what i need, the driving force behind me is my Master. i seek always to do his bidding, to see that his every need is fulfilled to the very best of my ability...what then do i do when he has not got any particular need or that they have all been covered, where do i go from here i ask. Please myself maybe, do some of the things that i like to do and of course, that's a fair comment, but inevitably i come back to what makes me a slave, the need to please my Master, to see that he is happy and fulfilled and that everything that needs to be done to see that his life is the very best and the most comfortable that i can make it, is done.

He knows this, he is aware of who i am and what makes me tick, if he didn't, he wouldn't be a very good Dom and not the one for me, but he does and its what he committed too when he took me as his sub/slave, that he would be my focus, that everything i do is in relation to who we are and how we live. That my need to serve is far stronger than many other aspects of who i am. The desire to please, the need to give over to him a major part of me and in doing so, for him to take hold of that and guide it along. He took that on, sure, it may well be a burden to him sometimes, a heavy responsibility to carry, but that's what makes us Master and slave as opposed to a vanilla couple. Its who we are and how we chose to live our lives.

There are always going to be times when we don't quite fit together right, none of these of our making i might add, just outside influences having a bearing on how we live and its these usually that throw the spanners into the works and screw it all up and its like that today... if MG were awake, if he had no need to sleep, there is no doubt we would be as one, doing something that we both had a need to see finished or even begin something new, but the main thing would be that we would be together, as a team, as a couple.

Damn, first load of washing is done, best i get on with that now.... at least i have his socks to pair up ( in his service even the socks get my special attention .. heheh) ... and if i don't do one else will..

Regards to you all, may your days be filled with purpose and your lives with joy and happiness, mine is, even tho i have days when i need to vent, being one of them

Tuesday, November 30, 2004


Its a big tough old world out there and the internet has opened it up to us all, if it hadn't, you wouldn't be reading this blog in the first place. So why do we all come on the internet in the first place and having found this huge resource, do we stay so long.
Well i think it is more than likely because we find something that grabs our attention and we find that all of a sudden we fit somewhere, find other people who have a like mind on certain subjects be it a lifestyle choice or a common interest of another kind, anything is possible and before you know it, you have friends around the world who over time might become as important to you that those who live in the same street/town, sometimes even more so if your interests are not those that are readily available in general social circles.

You might have a need to look further afield to satisfy your needs on subjects that could be considered taboo within your home boundaries and it is far better to do that in a convivial setting than try to find somewhere close to home that can satisfy that desire, with little hope of success or even the possibility of being outcast if you were to reveal those desires to your family and friends.
Sometimes its better to be a little secretive and rather than blurt out your "kink" just for the sake of being honest and open about yourself, to have a little restraint and keep it under your hat. Sometimes the pain caused by your "coming out" into the open arena will be too much for your loved ones to bear or to even begin to understand and therefore it may be better to not even consider telling those closest to you about your choices.

So where do you go, who do you speak to in your efforts to find others of a like mind, to extend your own knowledge base, to gain a more deeper insight into the subject of your choosing.
Well, i assume that's where the internet comes in for many people.

Some use it to move forward within the field that interests them, others however use it for their own personal gain and even at the cost of others, having little thought for those on the receiving end of their deceit and lies. Those are the one who give the internet a bad name as well as the lifestyle that i and many others enjoy accessing via the net.

It has taken a long long time for many alternative lifestyles to become accepted in the mainstream of today's society, with many ups and downs along the road, that isn't to say that the Gay movement for example or any other alternative choice is fully accepted by the public at large even now, there is still a long way to go for many but it is possible to find people just like you if you are willing to make the effort to go out, to move away from the traditional way of expanding your social circle and use the resources available to us all in this age of technology.

Dont stagnate in the process of trying to build the life you chose because you are not willing to use those resources because they are not the standard way for doing things, try to expand the mindset to encompass all and every means available to you. Dont reject the idea that the internet can be used to enhance your life in so many ways with only a little knowledge of how it all works.
In love and life situations, the possibility of finding the person of your dreams in the next street or even in the same town is unlikely to say the least, what you might consider is that if there is a right person for each and every one of us, what's the chances of that one even living in the same country.
With the opening up of the WWW, you now have the ability to expand your search to find the person that is the ideal for you, but unless you are prepared to open your mind up to that idea that your world is no longer confined to a small area in your immediate locations but rather now encompasses the entire world you have little if any chance of ever going further than the end of your street.....

Use the resources availabe, you have a lot of searching to do.... its a big bad world out there.. have fun looking...

Monday, November 29, 2004

Double Whammie

Two things that seemed to have been in the forefront of my thinking this weekend, neither having that much bearing on the other but both have value and need some mentioning.
Master and i attended a munch* on Friday, not something we have done for a while, but we needed a night out and some real life D/s friends invited us, so we made the effort to go.

Maybe i am getting too old, but a smoke filled pub with very loud music and a crowd of adult nilla males who don't know how to behave in public sort of ruined the night before it began. i should also mention that as far as i am concerned, if one is intending to go on to another venue at some point in the evening and have any intention of "playing" i feel that to consume any amount of alcohol is not a good advertisement for the Safe, Sane and Consensuality that are the watchwords of the lifestyle we all move in.
However little you may consume in an evening, impairs not only ability but judgment and it is, as far as i am concerned, a golden rule that you do not play having had a drink. Those principles didn't seem to apply on Friday and altho it isn't any of my business what others do, i still feel that it is worth a mention here that drink, drugs or any other substance that has an effect on ones senses, however little, should not be mixed with play, its asking for trouble and certainly does not set a good image for the lifestyle as a whole. There are far too many things that can go wrong within a scene as some of the techniques and toys used have to be handled with care and attention, accidents happens and one needs to be in full control of oneself in a play setting as under the influence of any substance these usually well controlled yet safe activities, can become dangerous. We left and went on to have a nice meal with our friends and the evening wasn't a total disaster.

The other thing that has occurred this weekend is the break up of a few long term D/s relationships of people we have come to know quite well within the chat scene, each couple having been together for some time and yet, they have come to the end of their roads together. No one is to blame in these break ups yet the pain and heartache that the subs in particular feel is obvious in their way of speaking and the fact that they each feel they have given all they could to their respective Dominants and yet have found that it wasn't enough. The submissive trait of blaming themselves, that they have failed in their submission or that they may in fact not be a good submissive seems to be one of the main factors in their pain and try as one might to say that even within a D/s relationship, that it take two to tango, they still cannot accept that it was not their fault alone. Each has a different way of coping and i can only hope that time will heal the wounds and the pain and that none of them leave the lifestyle because of their experiences.
It pains me to see good friends having such a hard time, i wonder what to say to each, as words do not help in these situations, online D/s that goes on to become real life, that stands the test of time, because of the depth with which these relationship go, the pain of parting is not just about losing the love of ones life, but of losing the Master, the controlling influence, the holder of all that you have become. It must be such a wrench, i cannot even begin to imagine how it must be, to one day have the main focus of your life there, for you to love and care for, to feel his power in your life, his control over so many aspects of day to day living and then, to not have that any more... the loss must be unbearable.
i am thankful that i know in my heart of hearts that i shall never be in that position with my Master, we are as one, now and forever, there is no other way for us now.

*Munch: A social gathering of likeminded people, sometimes including playparty afterwards but other times, just to meet and get to know others in the lifestyle

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Soap Box Time

(gets her soapbox out)

i have been thinking about honesty and what happens when that isn't adhered too and when in the melee of trying to find what it is each person seeks in chat or within a D/s situation, lies get told and the end result is people getting hurt.
If people were just honest and upfront about what they are looking for, and i mean totally honest, no frills or bows added, honest about what they want and what they can offer, life would be so much easier for all concerned. Why they need to butter up the reason for being here i do not know because the chances are that the web of deceipt that is made out of the lies will come back to haunt then sooner or later .

Example:Its easy to create a nic with Master this or Sir that on it and come into a D/s chat room, doesn't mean the bloke behind the nic has a Dom bone in his body, might even not be a bloke for all we know, but the Sir bit starts, fems offering this person some little act of submission etc and lets be honest, what bloke wouldn't want all the fems bowing down to him...Hey its the they try it and sometimes it works...and they get all the fems swooning all over them...trouble starts when they enjoy it so much that they want more and before they know it they have a sub that they cant handle because really they have a wife and 2 kids at home, so they leg it, with a short but sweet mail that states they have this drama or that drama at home and really cant be dealing with a sub at this time, so off they go to change their nic so that they can start all over again, promising themselves each time that they wont get so caught up in it all the next time and that they will just play around a bit, not getting tangled with any one person in particular, but they do and it happens again and another heart is hurt.

Same applies to the fems of course....pretending to be something they are not...Doms get caught as well.
Perhaps everyone wants a bit of escapism and its ok playing at escape as long as you tell people that's what you are doing and that you have these real life commitments and that you cannot offer any more than that but its so easy online..until...the fem lets say..wants more and the bloke starts to hide and cheat on his wife and he skulks around and gets up in the middle of the night to log in..and moves the pc into the spare room and every time the wife comes into the room..he minimises the screen.

If people would just clear their decks if they have a serious intent or if not, then at least be honest about it..but hey.. you might say.. thats life.. Unfortunately..because the other person behind the screen is real too..and think they have found something good..which turns out to be a load of lies.

They might be desperate for someone to love them..desperate to the point of not seeing the realities..that its not that easy..that this person who professes to be something he/she is not... will continue to play this game until they get backed into a corner and then its time for the mail that gives out the standard reasons why this cannot continue and yet again, someone's heart is chipped a little more.

How many times, how many people have to be put through this charade, some have wised up, some don't even let the wall down anymore because they have been caught again and again and yet still we see, the new nic appearing and the game begins again.

I just wish people would be honest about what they are doing, would save so much time and heartache for so many people.

Honesty is the best policy

It would seem that having started this blog some while ago, i have found something that gives me the ability to say what i think, when i think it without any need to hold back or not be true to myself and my thoughts. It might be said that my words here are a reflections of the real me and it has been pointed out to me on several occasions lately that the way in which i can freely and opening express the true me seems to come out well in my blog.

i have found over time that if i try to say things that are not a true reflection of what i am actually thinking, they don't come out half as well as they would if i was truthful and really said what i wanted to say. i am finding that altho sometimes people might not always agree with my forthright attitude, they have a tendency to respect what i write even if they don't agree with it, that the honest approach seems to be better than dressing it up in frills and bow just to keep people happy but in doing so not really saying what was on my mind.
I have an MSN profile on which there is a space for a favorite quote and the one on mine, which has been there for quite some time now is as follows:

"This above all: To thine own self be true. And it must follow as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man"
William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

i cannot say that i live by that concept all the time, but i will say that it is more in the front of my mind these days than it ever has been and that i think is due mainly to the response i have had to the blog and the way i say what i think here, rather than trying to say things with frills and bows just to keep people happy. That isn't of course to say that what i might have to say has any more merit or that it should be taken as gospel because that isn't how it is, this is just my opinion on the subject matter that i chose to write about on any given day but at least, when i do write about something, what you see is a true reflection of the way i think and feel on that particular subject. i have made a promise to myself of late that i will no more, dress up my thoughts just to keep people happy, if i have something to say, i am going to say it and if people don't like it or don't agree, they are at liberty to say so or not read my blog. No more half thoughts or truths, just me as me is and with that, my thoughts and feelings as they are...100% honest or not at all. This policy is also going to spread, out of my blog and into any other writings or conversations i may have in chat or elsewhere, i am me and i have to be true to myself and to others, saying what people want to hear might in the short term keep them happy, but in the long run, surely, the truth, as i see it at the time, is better than lies.

i would like to once again, put forward my Master for some praise and credit, for his steadfast loyalty to myself and the children, for his constant endeavors to see that we are well taken care off, at some extraordinary cost to himself, on a daily basis and how much he gives to us of himself. It has been said recently that all men are selfish, (swear word) gits who give little and care less for their lady's.. i am here to say that my Master, is not and never will be one that falls into that category. His never ending toil to see that we are warm, well fed and cared for is a credit to him as a man and as my Master and i would like to thank him from the bottom of my heart for all he does and for all he gives of himself to see that we are ok. i have watched him lately and can see in his eyes and in the way he holds himself that this is taken so much out of him, yet each day he pushes himself more and more, digs deeper and deeper to find what is needed to keep him going so that he can provide what he committed he would do, when we became one, when we took on the Master/slave relationship that is what our lives are built on. Thank you Sir, for being who you are, what you are and for loving me as you do.

The strength we have, will see us through all this and i am sure that in time, the table will turn and life will become what we hope and dream it will be, until then, i remain, your loving slave, the one who offered you her gift of submission all that time ago, and has never once, nor will ever, regret that decision.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Lets face it...

i have to admit that inside me is what can only be described as my GreenEyed Monster, i am sure that the majority of people, male or female have one of these little demons in them and most will let it out if they are given just cause.
If your partner is caught with his/her pants down or takes a step to far, would you smile sweetly, tell them its fine and never think a second thought about it. Well folks...i couldn't and would more than likely flip, scream, shout etc, yet it would seem that some within the lifestyle find this kind of behaviour acceptable, even encourages it, under the banner of it being a part of their lifestyle choice. Not for me it isn't, even tho i accept that each has a right to decide what they do, i am still convinced that if someone needs to have more than one partner, then there is something not quite right within the mainframe of the relationship..... experience, trying new things etc, seems to be a good excuse used regularly for this kind of "play" but i still say that there has to be something behind the need for a Dom or a sub, to play with someone other than their partner even in the name of finding a deeper submission or more experience so they may please their Doms later, or whatever. i say, not for MG and i, doesn't float our boats at all, in fact we go out of our way to not be put into that kind of a situation, avoiding the play parties at munches if at all possible.

Another question that raised its head today was that of the need for compatibility within a relationship. People seem to forget some of the very basis tenents of life when they fall in love, some of the "do not do's" gets totally lost and the old saying that love is blind takes over and we accept a load of crap that under normal circumstances we wouldn't. We hope that the little incompatibility that become clear within the early stages of a relationship might not have that much bearing on the whole thing and we might be able to work through them. We try and we keep trying in the hope that the little things that are not right will not outdo the things that are good.
Within a D/s relationship, this compatibility is even more important and it should be one of the first things that any Dom or sub should consider before they get in too deep. The Dominant who is looking for a 3rd to join an existing couple would be silly to look at a sub that is only into one on ones, the sub who is not into pain would be silly to consider a Dom who finds that the inflicting of pain is a major part of what he is looking for. It just wont work. However, as with all relationships, it is all to easy to try and block out some of the little incompatibilities in the hope that as the relationship progresses, these will become less significant... but, the chances of some of these things not coming up at some time or another is very unlikely so therefore, we really should all be totally honest with ourselves from the outset, much as we might want or desire a certain Dom or sub, that if we are not compatible, we never will be.
Taking time to find out if each party matches can take a little or a long while but is something that should be done and done properly, find out what you are letting youreself in for before you get too involved or get in too deep, however there are always those hidden things that may not come out in the beginning and when they do, we find ourselves, already deep into a relationship and not wanting to loose what we already have, we try to ignore the bad points. This might work for a time but there is a likelihood that these points will become more and more of an issue until they causes rifts or disagreements between both and inevitably might cause the breakup.

This of course could also be an answer to the beginning of this blog... why do people let others walk all over them, even under the banner of BDSM. Hell..there is no way i would agree to MG wanting to play away, if he did, if he said he needed too.. then i would say, fine.. go ahead.. im off...
It was never bought up at the beginning of our relationship and was never an issue (because it isn't who we are really i guess ) but had we been different, had we not be as compatible as we are and he had other agenda's to mine... then i guess we wouldn't be a couple now.. D/s, nilla or otherwise... Thank god we are compatible.. more so than just compatible..we are soulmates... we only need each other.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

What goes up, must come down

This weekend really became a weekend, with MG's days off falling over Friday/Saturday and Sunday, a rare occurrence and one that we are always grateful for. The children had other arrangements set with their father so it meant that MG and i had three days of down time all to ourselves as well. What a rare treat.

We made the conscious effort to spend some quality time together, working on the upgrade to the
seekers website that has been ongoing for a few weeks now, we also made the conscious effort that we would not get so engrossed with that, that we left no time to be together as Master and slave. However, as so often is the case, that Ye olde sods law took its toll and Friday evening neither of us were feeling up to much else other than just relaxing in each others company. Promising ourselves that Saturday would be different, we spent a pleasant evening in chat and retired at a sensible hour as MG had worked over Thursday night and had not really slept at all during the day.
Saturday, the day was much like any others day, the usual, a bit of shopping, a bit of television, a bit of this and that, come the evening our chat room became active as it sometimes does with a dozen or more people in and it would have been all to easy to forego our plans and continue to be sociable with the friends that were there. However, that was not the intention for the evening. The plans had been set and we were going to take this time for us and our M/s.
I have to mention here that even when plans are made, there is no scene set, we do not find any great pleasure in the fantasy scening that some BDSM'er do, each to their own of course but it is not for us. We don't do for example, the Teacher/pupil thing, were i might take on that role of pupil and MG the Teacher and from there the scene is set, no, we prefer the spontaneous BDSM, it is what we enjoy most and is how the majority of our "sceneing " occurs. The infliction of pain and stimulation, the M/s interaction that follows allows us both to either Dominate the activities or to submit to it. If there was a need for some kind of discipline or even punishment, then that might also become a part of the scene but as it was, there was no need for that but more rather a need for us both to get able to get into our Master and slave sensual roles and do what we do, which allows us to give and receive the stimulation that we get from this kind of activity.

Whats my point here you ask. Well i had a thought during our evening regarding the down effects of such play as opposed to the up side of it and mentioned to MG at the time that i really should write about this before it got lost and so that i could make the point that there is always a down side to the up.
This down side isn't something that ever occurs to me until i am actually in it, the euphoria of the up and what it takes to get there being the only focus of what we are doing.. Not once do i even think that there will be a pay back. But there always is and i am really surprised each time i experience it as to why i never remember it from the times before.
The up side is the pleasure, the pain, the total focus on what we are doing and why, the one on one time, the nothing is going to come between us time, the we are focused totally on each other time and as we progress to deeper levels and i begin to go off into a world of pain and endorphin's where i have lost a good part of my mental capacity to think rationally, the last thing on my mind is the after effects of what is going on.

Those don't come till a while after i have hit the plateau, until after the orgasms has ripped through me and i am left totally drained but glowing with the pleasure of the journey i have just taken.
This is where that down side kicks in, the lack of mental capacity to even think straight, the uncontrollable eye movements, the shakes, the fainting spells that come over me and of which i have absolutely no control over. MG says to me, go with it, don't fight it and yet, it is a natural reaction to try and maintain a balance, to be able to think straight, to be able to stand without assistance, or to even control the tears that may flow without any real cause or reason. All this is the down side and something that i said last night and have said before....Why do i put myself throught this, its not a nice experience.

If we look at the fainting or lack of ability to remain in a conscious state as an example. Under any other circumstances, if this occurred to anyone else, the majority of us know that you put the head between the knees and if you are lucky, the fainting feeling should pass and yet, here i am in exactly the same situation and i am having to go with it, allow it to take over me, to send me off into the realms of the subspace i have just left, there is no means of stopping this or the feeling that accompanies it and of course, in due time, as the body re-balances its blood levels and chemicals, i will be fine and we will back to normal, but during this episode, that isn't the case and its all very well saying go with it but heck, its an awful feeling. So once again, i have to ask...Why do i do this.?

And the answer is...because what it takes to get there is worth more that the discomfort of what may occur afterwards. The getting there is far more important, is so intense, so deep and meaningful, the journey is what it is all about. The arriving at that point where i am under MGs total control, he could do about anything he wished while i am in this state. The trust needed for that is also a part of our M/s, my trust in him that he will not abuse or take advantage of that.
All that comes before the flight satisfies the needs in me that i have to fulfill, the after effect are the cost really, of having those needs met.

Why do i never remember the cost, well i guess because they are insignificant to the whole reason as to why we do what we do. And that can be summed up in a few words, we do it because it is who we are and fulfills needs that we both have. If there is a cost involved, it is cheap at half the price.