Thursday, September 30, 2004


I gave my submission to MG.. What does that mean... everything and nothing special really, not to anyone else anyway. However, for me and i am the only one that it has any bearing on, it says, Master, i want to be with you, i want to please you, i want to take care of you, i want to be there every minute of every day to make sure that every need, desire, whim, you name it... if there is any way that in being here beside you that i can enhance or fulfil or satisfy any one of those items, then, i am here and i am ready willing and able to do whatever it takes to see that you are happy.
Is that submission, Is that slavery? Is that a kink? Who knows... but for me it is what i have and what i offer and i am lucky in that MG wants that from me.
And in return... what do i get..( woo, is that very submissive, maybe not, but why shouldn’t i get something out of this relationship, i’ll tell you this, if i was not getting something back, i would be out of here in a flash and i challenge anyone to say they would stay in a relationship that was totally one-sided.) i get love and companionship and care and warmth etc......... i get a relationship that is so deep and so loving and whether i am submissive or MG is Dominant, who really gives a fig because at the end of the day, it works for us and we are happy and if we throw in a little or a lot of kink or D/s or BDSM while we get on with the life we have chosen to lead, and luckily we do and we both want that... is anyone going to say or label me as one thing or another... sure, if you want me sub, call me slave, say i am not D/s... doesn’t make one jot of difference to how MG and i live our lives.
i know D/s couples, online and real time, i know single Dom, i know single subs, i know single vanilla females and males, i know married vanilla couples, i know some who are just starting out on the life road and some who have been around for years... makes little difference who they are, what does make each unique is the choice they make for themselves, in the way they wish to live their lives and i for one am not about to say that one way is better or that what each chooses for themselves is right or wrong.
Enjoy whatever it is you have, call it whatever you wish because life is too short to worry about semantics. At the end of the day does it really matter, what we are called or what the definition of submissive or slave is. Does it really matter whether it's a total power exchange or bedroom D/s or public play, or if you live in a Dom/me/sub, Dom/me/slave relationship as long as each and every one of us is happy with the choices we have made.
Life is too short to worry about what other people think, i have found that out, to my cost sometimes, but not any more. ... i am cleo, slave to MG, mother to my children and very happy i am too.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Cotton Wool

i thought i needed cotton wooling today, i wanted to be cuddled and held softly, wrapped up gently in His arms, held close and to hear sweet soft words of encouragement, i felt i needed this to soothe the aches i thought i had, the pain of missing my Master, the feelings of being alone a lot, just in general, i have had a down day and just wanted to be lifted.... but...

When Master and i talked later in the day, after he had managed to get all of 4 hours sleep before the next shift had to be thought about, when i saw, not for the first time either, just how much He already put into our lives, how much He give and keeps giving, it made my think just how selfish i was being.

my Master just keep giving of Himself more and more, He goes out day after day, to a job He obviously hate, that takes so much out of Him physically, never really complaining much, just keeps giving of Himself, just gets on with it and there is me, whinging and whining about such silly mundane things. Made me stop and think....

Master... i love you more than i can ever express, i worry more than i can say as well, about you and how much all this takes from you and i again feel that i don't give enough to make things easier on your, rather the opposite, in asking for more from you when what i should be doing is giving, not taking.. makes me feel pretty crappy about myself Sir.

But having thought these thoughts, i shall try to take some action to make some differences, cant promise Sir but at least i have acknowledged this, that's a start..

Love you with all my heart my Master..

Your slave, cleo

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Description Time and Service Pack 2

Don’t you just love it when Mr Gates thinks that his way is the "Right Way" whether we like it or not.. i say that because, here am i this morning, on Master's PC after i made the silly mistake of allowing Microsoft to automatically install updates and in the process take over most of my internet browser options so that i couldn't even access my websites properly without some stupid pop up telling me that ActiveX etc is a security risk... i wonder if active X is any more of a risk than what service pack 2 dumped down on my PC yesterday.. Talk about invasive. So…. After much and fro.. ing i finally think.. sod this... Format and reinstall the damn thing... at least that way i know it will work without service pack 2 hijacking my browser..

Anyway.. while my PC buzzes away over there on my desk and Master is asleep after another 12 hour shift + travelling time, i thought i might write something here for all those who may wander along into my little home from home and wonder what the heck this woman is on about half the time and really she should learn about writing properly and wow... her spelling leaves a lot to be desired if she doesn't know that when one refers to oneself within text, it should always be as a capital I.

Well people, its all about D/s and M/s and protocols within the lifestyle, mainly generated by the large proportion of the people who use the chatrooms etc. Best i explain.
A Dominant or Dom [male] or Domme [female)]because of the status They holds always carry a capital letter when being referred to in any manner, so you would see, Him/Her as.... Her/He/She/Master/Sir/Mistress etc

When reference is made to a submissive, again, due to status you will see them referred to always in lower case, for example, i, me, etc... a sub/slave will never use a capital letter when talking about themselves... so when i write about me, i will always use a little i, no matter what i was taught at school in the grammar class.. it doesn't apply within the realms of D/s. There i go again with the abbreviations..

So i will add a few of the more commonly used ones as a guide
D/s = Domination/submission
M/s = Master /slave [or sub]
S & M = Sado-masochism
BDSM = Bondage/Domination/Sadist[or submission] /Masochist
B & D. Bondage and Discipline [or Domination].
Well...Something like that anyway, there are a few more but those are the basic's and might help anyone who read this to follow what I am saying some of the time.

Now other than that we have the more confusing abbreviations; for example the W/we or the Y/you.. which denotes both the Dominant [Y] and the submissive [y].. used when someone is referring to both parties or a couple [Master and slave].
Also the showing of a "collar" which i have referred to on several occasions already in this blog. A collar is a mean of telling the rest of the D/s world who is with who basically... online anyway, in real life it is more like the wearing of a wedding ring and i wear mine with pride, privilege and honour.
A collar when shown online in the way the chat nic is diplayed.. mine for example is (cleo)_MG.. the ( .. ) is how the collar is shown.. there are of course various ways to do this but in general... something added around the sub/slaves nickname is what you are looking for. To make matters even more confusing, the Dominant Nickname will usually be the reserve of the sub/slaves.. so MG is displayed like this ..MG_ (cleo)

Confused....dont blame you..took me a while to get there too...
Enough for one day..take care A/all

Monday, September 27, 2004

Aches and Pains of the non BDSM kind

i guess that it is possible to have an average day in an unaverage world, and if it is, then that is where i have been today.
Average for me anyway on a day when i seem to be in pain or hurting in some form or another, either physically or mentally.
Mother nature has yet again decided to show herself before her due date and this is something i have a real problem with right now. All my adult life i have been a regular girl, 28 days on the dot for as long as i can remember, but now, as i get closer to that time in my life when my reproductive cycle begins to grind to a halt, it is so unpredictable that it catches me by surprise, it may be 21 days, or 45, who knows, but i am reliably informed that this is quite natural and might go on for some time yet before i finally dry up completely.. Roll on the day. After 30 odd years i can’t say i shall miss it one bit. i suppose i should be grateful that at least i have never really ever suffered from PMT although i do find i am less able to cope with things that on any other day would be a breeze.. but such is life. The real bummer in all that is, it sort of messed up the weekend with Master a bit, but as i often say..there is more than one way to skin a cat (winks)

My other ongoing pain, which far exceeds a slight ache once a month, is the "Frozen shoulder" that plagues me daily... this pain is indescribable unless you have ever suffered from it, sending wave after wave of excruciating pain down my right arm... its not even a pain you can get use to other time. Having had my left shoulder freeze up on me some 2 years ago, and having gone through the process of doctors and specialists and months of waiting for a diagnosis, then 3 not very nice hydrocortisone jabs into an already very painful shoulder, which proved to be absolutely useless, and some not so nice physio man who told me he could "break" the freeze but it would be a very very painful process" i came to the conclusion that i had just better grin and bear it as i am told, "it will right itself in time".. in 2 or 3 years time i might add. so the left shoulder is on the downward run as it is about 2 years now since the onset, the pain has all but gone and i am just left with an arm that doesn’t work properly as the rotation is rather badly impaired, but at least it doesn’t hurt any more.
i can’t say the same for the right shoulder which started to freeze up a few months ago and is still in the extreme pain stage.. so i only have to get through maybe another year or 18 months of constant pain.
Sleeping can be difficult, which makes some days almost impossible due to tiredness; i have to be constantly aware not to catch my arm wrong or to forget the arm won’t rotate as it should or i end up a heap on the floor, in agony.. My local chemist is doing a roaring trade in painkillers as i seem to live on them these days.
Oh stop complaining woman..There are people far worse off than you...!!

Within the realms of D/s and S and M, (sado-masochism) there is a lot of pain related activities but these can be identified in different ways, there is pain.. As in having a tooth pulled or stubbing your toe, which is just plain good old fashion pain..Ouch, hurting kind of pain.. then there is sensual pain, or what we call pleasure pain, which is a whole different ball game.

Rather than going into it in great detail here, i will add a link to the seekers site where if you have an interesting in finding out about pain and pleasure pain, you can read all about it. Lets talk about pain.

As for me... all i feel today is ouchie, shoulder, belly, head... maybe i need an early night !!!

Link to Frozen shoulder article

They shouldn't start something

i was reading a yahoo site that i am a member of where a full blown debate has raged for a few days regarding the attitude of the "Master who talks the talk about a real time relationship with a submissive, and how much he loves her, and wants a relationship with her, but can't find the time or opportunity to meet with her over a very extended period of time."(18 months)
I have to say that this started the old bells ringing for me as i cannot begin to understand the reasoning behind even starting a relationship with someone online if there is not a hope in hell of that relationship ever going beyond the bounds of a computer screen or a telephone line. Why start it in the first place is my gut reaction. If people are not prepared to extend beyond the online fantasy role playing and make a commitment at the very outset of a relationship, to at least have some chance of meeting real life, i cannot see the point in even beginning it.

A reason given that work or circumstances do not allow or afford time to met may well hold true for some and i have no problem with that as long as this is made clear at the very beginning that there will be little possibility of a real life meeting and that both parties are fully aware of these restraints and accept that right from the start, having no illusions that something other than what is offered might have a chance of happening.
But 18 months or more without a meeting screams out to me that all in the garden is not quite as rosey as we are lead to believe.... i cannot honestly see that within that length of time..there will not be one day, one extended weekend holiday break which could not be put aside so that these people, who are professing undying love for one another could not make mutually agreeable arrangements to meet. Do they, both parties really Want to met, or is it perhaps only one sided and the other person is making every excuse under the sun not to take advantage of a few gaps in their schedule to make those plans for no other reason than maybe, just maybe, they are not all they have made themselves out to be. Cynical i know, but hey, don't even ask me how many times i have seen this happen in the 3 or 4 years i have been online... Is that person who you have been chatting to for 18 months really who and what they say they are, will a real life meeting just prove that reality is not quite what you have been lead to believe .. i guess it is really all about commitment and just what it is that is really important to the people concerned, because if it is love as is often spoken of, then i cant find a valid reason not to arrange that meeting if that undying love which is so freely offered from behind a computer screen is really undying love and not just someone playing on the emotions of another for their own gratification..

I realise that some people do not have the opportunity to take any relationship beyond the PC and are happy to remain within the boundaries of online and again, i have no problem with that as long as it is agreed between both parties from the outset that that is how it will be and both find that online is what they want and need but again, a problem i have seen so often is that what begins to surface as either one or the other finds that their needs are changing and that they want more and more than they can receive from online interaction which no longer satifies them, this is when the real heart ache begins.

Of course, one must also remember that sometimes things do move faster and further than was originally conceived and can become far more intense than either party ever thought or imagined possible and the desire to meet might takes on a new dimension.. or one side of the relationship wants or needs to take what they have out of cyberland and into the real world, but this really has to be a two way thing, the problem arises when one wants and the other doesn't, leaving one with all the pent up desires and emotions, hanging in thin air with no where to go but down. Then again there is the other situation that started out as a bit of fun on the internet develops to the point where each person knows that a meeting is the only way left to go to be able to follow their hearts but for whatever reason it is not practical or there is just no way to justify doing something that may damage or destroy an already current real life relationship.. ( here i could say that interactions online can be constituted as having an affair in my opinion and if hubby/wife/partner were to find out, these people may be on the rocky road to the divorce lawyers, is it worth it)

On a slightly different tack, i have seen many a English sub, begin a relationship with a USA Master online or visa versa, swear undying love and devotion, accept a collar, do the cyber bit, run up huge telephone bills, make plans so way off the reality base of one day joining Master to go into a real life situation, trying to save money to make the trip, albeit only for a holiday to the USA.. Work their little cotton socks off to have any chance of ever getting to the stage where this plan might have any hope of ever coming to fruition only to have the undying love they have nurtured so lovingly for months on end be broken down slowly over time as weeks and months pass without any real hope of their dreams ever being fulfilled.

I have to ask why these people never think at the beginning of these kinds of relationships... just exactly what it is they are letting themselves in for, taking account of all the hurdles that will inevitably get in the way of their chances of ever going beyond the screen, sure, it does happen, people do get to finally met in person and when they do it usually works brilliantly because the people concerned know what it is they both want and are prepared to commit to seeing it to the end result... a real life, face to face meeting. On the other hand, if these people are really not 100% committed to seeing it through, if they are really just playing the online cyber game, they should open their eyes and see what harm and pain they may be causing to the other person who might just be getting in deep and suffer months of pain and heart ache as their lives are turned upside down due to the impossibility of the situation they have created.
Behind every screen, every word typed is a real person and those people have feelings and emotions and many do get wrapped up in what the person at the other end of a chat conversation is saying, and many believe, totally the words that people say.

Think before you begin, think about the person at the other end. Dont string someone along just for your own pleasure and self gratification, who knows, one day, you may be the one on the receiving end of a wind up... and trust me, it hurts. !!

Just my thoughts...

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Time Flies

Time flies, so so quickly and before we know it, the weekend is over and its back to the grind and another 5 day shift. Neither of us want it to be like this but as the last few hours creep up on us we seem to try our hardest not to let the other see just how hard it is.
i have my chores to do to see that Master is all set for the next shift , making sure He have everything He might need, these are the little things i can contribute that makes it all a bit easier on Him, no need for Him to worry about the incidentials.
So, how did the weekend go..well...if we are honest, its a bit like a kid in a sweet shop, we want it all and we try to fit so much in that by the end of day 2 of 3, we are both totally knackered and cant think, let alone do, those things we promised ourselves we would.
There has to be down time of course, there has to be the chance for Master to relax and regain the energy for the next shift so although we did have some time to experience our M/s we also had to make time, in a very short space, for all the other things that need doing as well as taking the time just to be together.
A lot of Master and slave interaction, a lot of play (which i have no intention of going into details because altho this log is public, our private and sex life isnt and wont ever be, that is not the intention of these entries), a lot of just being together, quiet time, watching T.V, laying in bed late in the morning, normal every day vanilla things because i have to say here that 24/7 can never be, 24/7, there has to be time and space to be just "us".
i am going to quote here from a very good article written by Rover«» who is a great exponant of the lifestyle because i think what he has to say on this subject is so true..
The Three Phases Of A Dominant

I see three major categories, or phases, of Dominant behavior. Identifying the three phases can be beneficial for a Dominant in determining what role is currently being filled, and to more easily slip into other roles as needed. As for submissives, knowing the phase a Dominant is currently in makes you more capable of knowing what behavior is expected of you, and to follow him seamlessly through those roles. Additionally, you may learn methods of
helping your Dominant go from phase to phase, or role to role, in order to meet your needs at any particular moment. No, that’s not topping from the bottom, or manipulation. Needs are needs, and learning methods of
communicating them to your Dominant is always healthy.

The three phases I see are as follows:

1. The Man/Woman: A Dominant just being themselves. Reading the paper, watching tv, playing board games, laughing, joking, living life. Dominants need to be comfortable just being themselves. Being yourself fulfills a submissive’s needs for Friend, Spouse, Partner, Lover, Parent, and so many other qualities often associated with being “vanilla”. Being comfortable being yourself makes you, you. It is stressless. For both of you.
2. Sir/Ma’am: In this phase the Dominant is Teacher, Guide, Decision Maker, and many of the other roles that require a clearer distinction between the Dominant and submissive roles, and the influence of authority.
3. Master/Mistress: The firm phase. The Disciplinarian and the phase most commonly associated with scening and sexual pleasures. This is also the stereotypical phase that is often portrayed by the media and society, and the phase that many Dominants feel is expected of them 24/7. It's easy to fall into this phase, and feel trapped in it.

My personal experience is that I spend most of my time as just plain ole me. The Man. Perhaps as much as 65 % of my time. Next in terms of frequency is Sir. I may spend 25 % of my time in this phase. And interestingly enough, I spend the least amount of time as Master. And although that is the phase most commonly associated with being a Dominant, I estimate that I spend but 10 % of my time in this phase.

i am going to leave this here today because i really am not feeling like poring my heart out here, i miss you already my Master roll on the next weekend.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Little angel..NOT

So who said i was an angel, well i did actually but it is usually said in jest and with tongue firmly placed in cheek. So it may come as a shock to some, me included when the debit system we have kicks in and I get a short sharp shock via my Master's hand on my rear end.
Now I could be fooling myself here that i can get away with a certain amount of cheek and back chat and i am usually pretty good at knowing if and when i can, however that didn’t apply today when i might just have overstepped the mark a shade and before i know it, i am down by a credit or two, actually three at the final count.
For what you may ask, well, i think it was being cheeky and maybe even a little bit of an attempt to “top” although Master pointed out when he mentioned the final addition that the “i want and i want it now” syndrome might have had something to do with it.
We, Master and i have never set a counter for infractions of this nature, there is no format of how many debits or credits i am awarded for various things, suffice to say that on the debit side, however many Master feel is appropriate at the time when payment is due.
So there i am, bare arsed, over a chair, waiting as instructed, now i should add here that any sensual spanking we do is not done like this at all, that is usually close to Master, over his knee or within a scene… no, discipline is done, over a chair, very coolly, very short and sharp and “ouchie”.. Very hard and boy did it hurt…
i don’t count, it isn’t a requirement because it is felt that it detracts from the purpose, it gives me a way to think of other things, i.e. the counting and not the reason behind the discipline.

i will add here also that this isn’t punishment, it is discipline, two totally different things in our way of M/s, a learning tool, something for me to remember the next time i may well get a bit arsey (no pun intended)
so, the hits reign down, one after another and i have to say that my Master has an uncanny knack of landing his blows in exactly the same spot, over and over again which compounds the pain and most definitely instil in this slaves brain that next time she really should watch her mouth.

Will i ever learn.. i doubt it, too long in the tooth maybe but that isn’t going to stop Master from trying as it is an integral part of the way we have chosen to live our lives.

Once the act is completed, and no people, there is not option to safe out of this one, that also is an agreed fact, No safe out of discipline or punishment, no point really, if i can say “Hey Master, i don’t want to go there today thank you very much” so i stand and i take my medicine like a good slave and the tears well up inside and i bite my lip as the hits continue until I am told to stand, which i do with some difficulty, the stinging sensation of the back of my legs and arse being the main focus in my mind as i try my hardest not to let the tears show, but to no avail.
Why am i crying i ask myself as Master looks at me and holds me close, because of the pain or because of the fact that this whole exercise was necessary in the first place, that Master felt he had a need to show me a better way than the one i had previously chosen to follow. That’s the crux of the matter; the slave punishing herself for displeasing her Master far more than any pain inflicted on her can and will ever do.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Real life Comes First

i am an individual with thoughts of my own. I have no intention of living up to the standards of people i have never met, most likely will never meet, and certainly i wont follow their "standards".

i am submissive but submissive only to my Master. i think i am also, highly opinionated, infuriatingly out spoken at times and not very good at diplomacy but all that aside... what i am NOT, is someone who will simply follow the crowd.
i feel it is becoming more difficult and time consuming to keep beating my head against the wall, trying to help others, and at the same time defend our reality when so many people and places we once frequented now prefer fantasy. As far as i am concerned, it is a waste of my time. But we must not turn our back on those who may wish to learn about the lifestyle. It is depressing to remain where some are turning this lifestyle into a joke, and only for those who truely wish to learn about all that is good in this lifestyle we it worth the effort to remain...other than that i would quite happily switch of my computer and never enter a chat room or community again... my life with my Master and the kids and if...and i say a definate if....if we have time..we shall give a little back... but only after we have given all we can to one another and the children.

Real life comes before anything esle..thats how it has to be

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Weekend Starts Here

Well, it finally arrived, that time of the week when Master sends that all important text that says “The weekend starts here”… it may well fall on a Saturday or Sunday but then again it might also be a Thursday just like today. You see our weekend starts when Master finishes His 5th day shift and it really doesn't matter what day of the week it is because our weekend revolves around when Master is at home. This sometimes gives me a problem as i have to redefine my days to be on a weekend with Master and on a week day with the girls, but all in all i manage to sort it out in this little slave head that i carry around with me.

Weekends with Master are special as it gives us time to be truly M&s, in fact it is the only time we can really get into the spirit of who we really are as the days when He is at work are time when we are just about maintaining our lives, even putting them on hold sometimes, knowing that at the end of the current shift, when “our” weekend arrives, we can get back into some real one on one, 24/7 M&s. Apart from of course, the minute either of the girls arrive home and then its back to the semi nilla atmosphere that we have to maintain in their presence.

You see, the children do not live a M&s life, they are children, they didn't ask for Master and i to have this kink, all they see is their mum and her Man, MG.. Oh don’t get me wrong, they love Him to bits and after nearly 3 years of having this big burley man running around the place who teaches them the guitar or helps out with the homework like any good father would do.. MG fits nicely into their world as well as mine. What he doesn't do, is Dom them.. That isn’t how it works for us, He “fathers” them, He Masters me, His slave.

The girls are mine, from a previous marriage and when i first met Master, His opening gambit, once He knew i had children was, ”They will always come first” and that is how it has always been, their needs come before mine or His, no questions asked.
The eldest child has a good working knowledge of D/s and M&s having sat beside me for quite some time as i have run our chat room and built our website and even if i say so myself she has a good grasp of what our lifestyle is all about, we can hold a sensible conversation with her on many aspects of the lifestyle and she has openly met with some of our D/s friends.
The younger one has no idea and that is how it will stay until such times as she is old enough to be able to understand the dynamics of what it is we do. She will ask the odd question and we will explain to her what we feel she needs to know and what we think she will be able to take in but that’s as far as it goes at this time.

i always address MG as Sir or Master, in all and every circumstance, (for His part, i was sub and am now slave although in the presence of the girls i am still called sub as they are familiar with that and we are not sure how they would react to the slave tag so we keep that for private times alone). Always been that way, from the moment we became a 24/7 D/s couple and the children accept it as the norm now. It has cause a few ruffled feathers at home with my youngest when she asks why i call MG "Sir" and has taken a bit of explaining, but we got around it by saying that within chat, we use nick names and that is how people address us in a chat room, she could go with that rather than trying to give her any insight into our lifestyle choice which at her age she really doesn't need to know about in any great detail.

We did have a slight problem over how i and the girls address Him on one occasion when we visited his mother for a weekend. The girls call Him, MG which is His chat nick and His mother had some difficulty with that until He spoke to her about it and told her that it was a nick name by which the girls had always known Him. Although lets be honest about it, He didn't tell her the truth, we had planned to but she is over 70 and we thought it might be rather difficult for her to come to terms with our lifestyle choice, best leave well alone we thought !!

Anyway, the “weekend is here” so i have far far better things i could be doing right now that writing my journal.. (winks) another time perhaps…..

Bills, the flu, dishes, and laundry.

Life comes with bills, the flu, dishes, and laundry, getting the car serviced, taking the rubbish out, going to work and so much more. Plus then add in kids and then you have even less time. And everything keeps going no matter if you are in a D/s relationship or not. It means there is no 24/7 bondage, S/M, D/s. M/s and sex. It means living life the best we can and trying to add in things to keep that focus of the power exchange. It is keeping it real within reality.

I think people think that when you are in a D/s or Master/slave relationship it is all about sex and S&M. But as you know we live in the real world and we make our lives fit within reality of the world or it will makes us fit in it. The only thing that is needed for a Master/slave relationship is the power exchange. In our relationship He controls and I serve and obey. And that is all that is needed.
Many people might look at our lifestyle and just see the toilet overflowing, the stack of dishes, the laundry heaping up. They think we are not doing "D/s" because of all that "vanilla stuff" that must first take preference if we as a normal couple are to survive in this world.
Instead of looking at it that way, look at the foundation…the power exchange and see that the M/s relationship is still there even behind the vanilla life we have to lead and that the D/s can still be there without it always being the main focus.
If the Dominant still has the control and has the power in your relationship? If the submissive still has the desire to submit or feel the control of the Master does it matter if it is called by a name or is it really about how the couple live their lives and how they know in their hearts and minds, who they are. Proving to the outside world has never interested me or my Master. We know who we are, we dont have to prove it to anyone by any action.

Submissives have the desire to serve and please even in vanilla situations. If you defer to your Dominant in vanilla settings as well as private, if you obey and serve as a matter of course within your daily life, the M/s relationship is always there, maybe in the background, but none the less, still there. If you have protocols and rituals then you have those always too - no matter if in a D/s setting or non-D/s setting. As long as those are adhered too and not allowed to slip, the M/s remains in tact whatever the situation may be.

Those things don't go away just because we are in a vanilla setting. They are a part of our power exchange so in essence a part of who we are always. They are there all the time even if not overtly dominating or overtly submitting.

The goal should be to incorporate Master's Dominance and my submission seamlessly into our life. It should be intertwined so that just about anything we do together could be construed as D/s.

But as to proving it to anyone..Why should we, we know who we are... Master and slave.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004


We have a little non M/s ritual running these days: that of me accompanying my Master as He goes to catch the train to work. The station is only a matter of a few minutes from the flat we rent and it’s no great effort for me to walk over with Him and wait until His train arrives, then watch as He is rapidly taken away from where this slave would so much rather He was…with me.!! There is nothing either of us can do about this, i am absolutely sure neither of us wants or needs it but it has to be done on the 5 days He is on shift and we make the best of it.Today was slightly different in two respects, firstly, this is day 5 of 5 and it shows, my poor Master is so tired that He is running on less that empty, yesterday was empty today I guess He is running on fumes and I look at Him and wonder how long He can keep doing this. We have talked about alternative job opportunities for some time and i am sure that when the first available job comes up that suits Master talents, He will be there, as this one, although it pays the bills, costs us both in so many other ways that it really is fast becoming a liability. The twelve hour shift pattern plus the two hour travelling at each end of that shift means He is out of the house sixteen sometimes seventeen hours a day and apart from that not doing our home life a lot of good, by far my biggest concern is my Master’s health.The second difference today as opposed to others was that usually i would come straight home after Masters train has left, i walk back over the bridge, watching the train pulling away into the distance and try and move past the impending gloom i feel at the prospect of another night alone. We have an awfully big bed that is made for two and sleeping alone isn’t something that i relish. Anyway i would normally return home to the hustle and bustle of the girls screaming and shouting or demanding food, (as kids do) and my thoughts are taken from the loss of my Master for a while and are dragged kicking and screaming into the nilla style that is determined by having kids around. By the time i have dealt with their needs i have forgotten my own and am on auto pilot until the evening is well set in and hopefully Master has managed to get online where we can chat away until the early hours in peace. Not an ideal way to conduct a 24/7 real life M/s relationship, but for now it will have to do.Any way…why didn’t i return home today, the reason isn’t really that important but just to set the record straight, we needed some milk from the shops so off i wander up into the village were we live. As i make this short walk my mind wanders back to my Master’s situation, and just how tired he looked today and i start to think, not for the first time how little i contribute to this partnership. He gives so much of himself, day after day to see that His slave and the children are well cared for, that we have a roof over our heads and food on the table… but the cost to Him grows and i feel that i should be doing more to help…what i don’t know.. i am a housewife and a mother of young children who need me to be at home during most parts of the day and over school holidays and even if they didn’t, Master has made it quite clear that my place is at home, but i so wish i could contribute more sometimes especially when i see how much this is taken out of Him.
Trust me when i say that the minute He reads this, He will be on my case and will once again, convince me that He is fine and that this is what He does and is what i do and so slave should not worry as everything will be fine. That of course, won’t stop this slave from worrying about her Master. I am a worrier, Master joke’s about that sometimes but it is what I am and there is no denying it.
Just some more ramblings of His most loving slave,

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Wake Up Call

What a wake up call I had this morning, who needs an alarm clock when you have a text waking you up with the instructions from your Master as to His requirement of his slave today. As he travels home after a long night shift at his place of work texts are sometimes our only means of communication. If there was another job available I am sure he would be doing it, but needs must for the time being and I guess that making the best of a bad situation, at least we do get some free time once the children are at school to openly and freely display some of the new M/s rituals that are being put on place. The requirement that the slave collar is placed around my neck on His return is one such ritual.. for however long Master deems fitting and is only to be removed by Him before he retires for the day to catch up on some much needed and well earned sleep before the afternoon train takes Him back to London for another 12 hour shift. This is how it is right now, 5 nights on, 3 night off and so we continue, round and round but we manage and I can only say here and now that I am so looking forward to the first of the 3 days off to see how far and deeply these new structures will fit into daily life when Master is at home. I shall let you know in a few days.
My other daily collar remains firmly encircling my neck, is never removed and is a constant source of pleasure and comfort to me, without even realising it, i finger it, running my hand over and around it, touching it to bring thoughts of my Master to me throughout the time we are forced to spend apart. The gold snake like band is an elegant piece of jewellery that to anyone outside the lifestyle is an acceptable item for anyone to wear and can be passed of as just that, a nice neck chain.A sore butt is another new item in our repertoire.. it has been known for some time that this slave is a “pain slut” out and out and Master takes great pleasure in making sure that He fulfills this slave's needs in that department but this is no ordinary spanking session, there is no warm up, nothing sensual about it, that is reserved as a privilege that slave must earn or for scening or as a means to aid flying or to pleasure Master, no, this is about pain and is administered in such a way, fast , hard, "show me our arse slave" and with the sole intent on creating an afterglow that will remain for many hours afterwards. For this slave, pain has becoming a means to feeling her Masters presence even when he is away from home, each movement, each time she sits, or having sat and remained there for some time, the discomfort of the sore butt reminds her that this was her Masters doing and thus brings Him back into focus for her. Butt, nipples anywhere that pleases Master can be and is made tender as a means to remind slave of her place in this relationship and to focus her mind on her Master in his absence. And it feels good, even now, sitting here writing this entry, I can feel Him, know he is with me, even if he is miles away. What a way, long may it continue.New beginning, new rituals, new concepts, new mind set even… with each setting we travel further and deeper and no amount of real life stuff is going to get in our way if we can help it… We have been there ourselves, lost some of our D/s in the hustle and bustle of normal nilla life things, but each time we come back.. we cannot not, we are Master and slave.. no matter what.

End justifies the means.

We have always tried to justify what it is we do and why we do it; it is very much a part of the way we have decided to live our lives within the realms of our M/s relationship. However, we have found recently that sometimes, trying to justify the reasoning behind some of these things isn’t always the right way and that it may, if we are not careful give us a reason not to take part in certain, well tried and tested activities of a BDSM nature. This attitude of always having to have a good reason may have meant that we have missed out on some of the better philosophies regarding the interaction between a Master and slave.
The idea that the end justifies the means could be the very best reason for attempting to partake of some of the more ritualistic approaches that we have often read and heard about from other exponents of the lifestyle and maybe, in our growth we have finally reached a level where we are prepared to accept these approaches ourselves.
As long as the activity works for both of us and pleases or fulfils a need, or satisfies some aspect of our respective roles within our relationship, that ”does it” for us, I cannot see any reason why we shouldn’t try.
Having said that, it is almost beyond what words can describe, this attitude shift that we are both experiencing these last few weeks. Our once staunch stand on some very basic procedures has change dramatically, where once we would have said a resounding “No” if nothing else we have begun to look at the possibilities or gone even further and have begun to incorporate some of the more hard line attributes into our own M/s lives.
We are both of the same minds that we have reached this place in time, without the outside pressures that some M/s couples feel; to “comply” with the normal standards laid down, we have taken a long time to reach this point in our lives and as we add more and more to our roles within this relationship, we grow… both of us, deeper into the Master/slave relationship that we mutually crave.
How do I feel about it all… fulfilled, relaxed, keyed up, excited with the new moves we are making.. Relieved that some things that I have so long dreamed of are beginning to be used and that with each comes a sense of wonderment and joy..
I have always wanted my role of slave to be far deeper than it has been so far, although I know that Master has needed this time to get his mind and heart around some of the actions that may be required of him to complete some of the activities we are coming to find fit so well into our lives but because we have waited until we are both happy to expand our M & s, rather than rushing in and making big mistakes as we were not ready, the time it has taken to find this place has been quite long… That isn’t a big problem for us now, although if we had made this move earlier, we would have not been ready, we would have forced an issue that was not right for us at that time, or tried to fit the mould that is the expected norm between a Master and his slave, probably to our detriment.
The time is right now.. We know it, everything we are doing fits so well, is so natural that there is no reason why any of the additions to our M/s way of live should fail as long as we put into it enough to maintain the balance. We have tried new activities before, when the time wasn’t right and have failed miserably or have lost our way because what we were attempting wasn’t the right thing for us at that time and we would allow it to slip away unused or unseen… only when it fits, only when it is a natural extension will it sit quite happily within our already established way of life.
Neither of us do things for our own gratification alone, this is a joint venture, we talk, discuss, debate, ever aspect of our M & s so that we are both fully comfortable with how it is progressing, if we are not we do not incorporate anything until we both are totally happy with the move and that talk, that discussion has bought us to this place in time when we are moving deeper into the Power exchange that I have so long searched for. Master is ready for that now, so is his slave and together we travel down our road, fulfilling our needs, at our pace.
It lifts me up, enlightens my thoughts, brings me so much pleasure to be able to be more in tune with my inner self, the slave within me, I cannot do that without first making sure that it also sits well with my Master, he is as important within this relationship as I am, I may want or need something deeper and I have no doubt he would try to give me that if he could, without being totally into it himself, but that isn’t the way we do things, we are two who have, over time, become one and both have to be happy and comfortable with the knowledge and experience we gain as we move along our chosen course, if one is not happy, it will reflect on the other and will just not work if it is forced.
Three very happy years we have taken, to get here, and though it has taken that length of time to find the depth of exchange we now have, we have always been happy with the levels as we moved through them, now it is time for us to grow deeper into our Master/slave relationship.

Monday, September 20, 2004

New Beginning

Master is right of course, this is a new beginning ... and so i have made a new journal board to begin again my writings of events and happening in the life of His slave.
i shall try to give each entry some thought and hopefully be a bit more forthcoming with my inner feelings and be more open about matters that might concern this slave, that her Master may wish to read about (much as the journal He showed me this monring). i cannot say i will be as good at it as the slave in the other journal is, but i want to have a go at expressing myself as little better on these pages.i also feel that with this new beginning and new journal, some other changes are well over due and with that in mind, i shall also put more effort into presenting these pages to make them more worthy of my Master's time to read them.
i hope He approves.

Sunday, September 19, 2004


i have so many things buzzing around in my head that i just don't really know where to start or even what to start with.
This journal should be about our day, our life together but it would be easy to get off the track and add loads of non incidentals in here...
i wont to shout out loud how happy i am...i want to scream from the roof tops how brilliant our M/s is for me... i want to tell everyone how wonderful life is right now...i want to show off my collar, my slave registration...i just want to say to people.....stick that in your pipe and smoke it...
On top of that i also want to cry out in pain and anguish over my physical pain as my shoulder is really playing me up lately.. i want to nag you to pieces about your health, your well being, the time we spend apart, money, day to day stuff.
i just dont know where to start or finish this entry today .. maybe i have said enough already Sir.
Only one thing i really need to say tho and that is...I love you more than you will ever know !! xoxox