That time of Year

i suppose that you could say, its that time of year, when the mother in me seems to come to the front and my whole being is dedicated and devoted to seeing that the festive season goes with a bang or should i say a cracker. i have these memories of past Christmas's, some happy and some not so happy, those of my childhood, through no fault of any one's, were not anything to write home about but at least we had a Christmas each year. In my adult life and more so in my time as a mother, i have watched my children's expectations grow along with each passing year, not only of their little lives, but what was going to be under the tree !!!.

i have just finished a wrapping marathon, trying to get the gifts sorted and away from prying eyes and mischievous fingers, i use more sellotape than one would think possible, just to secure each fold so that under no circumstances can an edge be lifted.... it makes for a more enjoyable run up... if they cant get at what's under the paper.

i try not to disappoint them each year.. sometimes i know i have got it totally wrong, other, i see the thrill and joy on their faces and know that that year.. i hit the nail right on the head. Yet each run up to the event leaves me in fear that i might just have made a big boo boo and gone right of track. Yet i keep on trying and hoping that, with the innocence of youth, which isn't with them for long, they are allowed to enjoy these happy times and that the festive season is all they could hope for.

So, the mother in me kicks in and that is the thought behind this blog for today, that of trying to resolve the inner conflict that i sometimes have of the role of slave to my Master and that of Mother/Dominant force to my children. It is never that easy believe me, switching in and out of these roles as the need arises and i have to say a thank you to my two girls who afford me the space that i sometimes need when trying to deal with both elements of my life.
My desire sometimes to serve my Master comes into conflict with my role as Mother in as much as i am pulled in two different directions and occasionally have to make a choice which way i jump first. MG will always say that the children are first and that is as it should be, and they will always have that attention any time they need it, however, my own conflict is that if i am perfectly honest about it...there are times when i really want to jump to Master but cannot because Mother always comes before my role as slave.
Of course.. We compromise, all of us and we get it sorted one way or another without to much fuss but again, i have to say that there are times when my burning desire is to serve my Master and i have this major battle on my hands.

The children are not a part of the way Master and i have chosen to live, and they have needs which must be met before either MG's or mine and i will always see that it is done that way... that does not stop me wanting to do completely the opposite and go with what i want. But its only a passing thought as i know i will always put my children before me or MGs... always, however, the underlying sub/slave in me... sometimes wants so badly to be with MG that i have to fight it and do what is right by my kids first and then find the time and resources to do what is right by my Master.

As a family, just us and the kids, together, sitting round the television or playing a game, no one would know we lived any differently to any other family, but deep within is always the slave which shines out when i interact with MG and the Mother when its with the girls. Switching from one to another in an instant if that is what is needed.

i hope i don't do too bad a job and that i am not failing any of them.... i can only give to each, what i have to give, i pray i have enough to go around