Forever

i just went pffttthhhh a couple days ago. Just blah. No writing for days. i just drained my brain or something and could not for the life of me even see my characters

i am writing right now, as always about......

Life On My Knees,

Forever it is a beautiful idea, a wonderful goal, but it’s not a magic spell.
Forever.. it sounds nice, It’s the kind of promise we want to make to the ones we love. It’s the kind of promise we make with shining eyes and optimistic hearts.
It a beautiful idea, a wonderful goal, but it’s NOT a magic spell. Simply saying the word doesn’t make the relationship or the happiness last until the end of time.
What is needed is a concentration of energy into any relationship and the achieving of shared goals.

We loved each other deeply and we keep working at our relationship.Anything worth having is worth the effort. i have faith in our ability to work through any difficulties, we might have now or in the future and maintain the quality of relationship we enjoyed.

What would you do?

What would you do, if you could do anything? Indulge your wildest fantasies. You can do anything.

Are not these the kind of phrases that send shivers up the spine of everyone who Doms? The moment when You know i yield to You is when You surely feel Yourself change, become charged with power.

Will i do anything? Would you? There are lots of things i think about, some of them taboo. The reality contains much giving. Do i need an element of service to not to feel guilty, i forget to write about these times, about the joy of being in Your arms.

I know often my submitting is driven by You having to notice what i see as my need for it; i want You to bring clarity, authority, certainty; even strength. If You are Mastering me just from my desire alone, will it still do those things? What if we're pursuing some kind of activity that's all about what i want with only the odd reward for You? Is that even right? i don't know where to look for answers but, It might be, something about the love we share and the passion, how we fuel each other's desire relentlessly.

Whatever it is, i never want to give it up.

Damaged Goods

On some days, my health issues rob me of the capacity to feel happiness, but so far i have never lost the ability to feel gratitude and love. We're very fortunate to have a deep and abiding love that is utterly unconditional.

So, for the past few years, being in charge of a "broken" slave, having to make difficult decisions about how to interact with me. Trying to keep the D/s dynamic we both need alive while not inadvertently creating any more problems.We have had to communicate more openly than ever, although some of the time, trying to sort out my own thoughts or to know how to say what i need hasn't been easy.

Through it all, Master has been wonderful at just being here and loving me. No matter what. i could not possibly ask for more.

Fortunately most of the time, i am an awesome slave and partner. i am loving, loyal, caring, passionate, bright, and expressive. my inability to serve as one might expect decreases my value as slave. But i'm a package deal, and my Master took me -- all of me, even the broken bits.

Right now, We take things one day at a time, i'm doing my best to be the slave Master deserves.I have accomplished some a lot of things in life despite my disability. i have sometimes lost hope, but i have always found it again. And now, for the first time, I'm not in this alone,i am a part of something bright and vibrant and i want to enjoy, bask in that for a long time to come. Thank You Master, i love you more than i did yesterday, But not as much as i shall tomorrow.

24/7 Thing

You know sometimes it is hard to sit down and write about things Its even harder to maintain a M/s relationship all the time. i think this is where the whole 24/7 argument comes in. Some believe you have to maintain the outward appearance of the M/s dynamic at all times, to me that's just not realistic. i will argue with Master get snotty and sarcastic, maybe even appear to be telling him what to do, but i also know when to back off (well usually sometimes i don't and then i get that real strict tone that reminds me to tone it down). Does this not make me a "real" slave. Who knows and really who cares. Master and i are the ones in this relationship and our definitions are what run it, not anyone else's.
I've always said that i think the M/s dynamic is more of a mind thing. Its how you feel. i don't need a physical collar around my neck 24/7(even though i dowear one) to know that i belong to Master. Apart, together it doesn't matter there is a connection. There were times where we were not in each other's pockets, but even then there is an undeniable bond that placed me at His feet. i know that sounds strange and is hard for most people to understand because we live in a judgemental society. i can't explain it, not sure i want to, or feel the need to. Its just the way it is for us.

i for one won't judge your choices and i hope you wont judge mine.

apology. "who am i"?

I had an inappropriate emotional reaction last night. i am really embarrassed about it, but i will reflect on my behaviour and explain my thought processes to Master.
This was where i mouthed off at Him. He was, i know thoroughly perplexed by my reaction, slave apologies, most humbly Sir.

In retrospect, i know i overreacted, but for sake of explanation here are the reasons why this incident upset me so much.
i was annoyed by Master’s offering his time, idea, even knowledge to someone else.
My first thoughts was how he had 'no right' to do that; to offer what He has to exclude me, i felt devalued, embarrassed now by my reaction and extremely sorrowful.

It took me most of the night to regain my composure and evaluate the situation. i was upset at the time, but i later realised that i was overreacting.

i have trouble obeying orders when they don’t align with my desires. However, i do realize that being an owned woman, means doing what Master wants. It’s easy when his commands give me gratification from a task; it’s harder when its uncomfortable or inconvenient.
However, as a submissive, i should not be allowed or assume that i can pick and chose what i want to obey. Belonging to him means doing whatever he wants, even if I’m not thrilled about it.

Beyond this, i should be and i am, thrilled to serve him and obey him. Master is very good to me, and makes a lot of sacrifices and compromises for me. Even without the D/s dynamic, just within the context of a loving, relationship, i should be giving back to him with an open heart. i love him and want to please him, but to do that i must stop being self-centered and think more about serving him.

Alongside anger, i was upset by the fact that Master was seeming to prefer others company to mine. Prior to this dummy throwing on my part, i was sitting by his side. as i always do, i wasn’t interrupting his conversation, or being a nuisance. And yet, despite the team practice we have always maintained, He choose to do thing which i felt excluded me. Being in a particularly needy mood, this really upset me(not an excuses for my behaviour i realise now).

Later, when i looked at the situation from Master’s point of views, i realized once again that i was in the wrong, i was in a very selfish mood and wanted to stay close to Master but i should have actually been happy that Master was doing something He loves to do, and sat quiet—like a polite, well-mannered girl—instead i had a paddy. i was so focused on my need to cling to Master that my basic etiquette disappeared.

Anyway, i got over this one just by thinking about my place in our dynamics. i have to remember that there is a reason why Master and i get along so well; and it’s because we have similar core beliefs. i have to remember that the reason why i’m still submitting to him is because i trust him to make good decisions for us and to act in our best interests. And it is in neither of our best interests for us to not fully agree where we take every aspect of our lives together.
While Master’s action made me upset and frustrated, he was not in the wrong. It was me who was being hypersensitive and inconsiderate. i love him for not getting too upset at me, for trying to reason out my reaction, for wanting to make things better, for setting the task which prompted this writing. Although i realise that it isn’t "Who am i" in any normal context, but i hope it is acceptable in a similar vain.

i’m not scared of Master. but i am scared that he’ll be upset with me, that he’ll get tired of me. i’m scared of negative reactions for things i do, or forget to do. i know he can punish me and will if He feels it is warranted, i do not fear this. But i do not fear him as a person. Now, i obey him for completely different reasons than i did at the beginning--because i respect and care for him. In him, i have the companionship and laughter and friendship and balance that i lacked and badly needed.i love Master so much that my heart pounds just thinking of him. i willingly serve him.

Now, if he were to hurt me, out of correction or simply for his pleasure, i would want nothing more than to crawl into his arms afterwards. i don't want to run away. i don't and can’t resent him, not now that i see that he so good for me. Ironically, these days, he is not so quick to hurt me. Sometimes i wonder why. Perhaps it is because he recognizes my need to please him. Perhaps he realises that my slip-ups come from moments of humanity and forgetfulness and not from disrespect or a desire to test him. Or i believe it is because He care for me in the same way i care for him; past that superficial level of exploring something new and interesting.. Perhaps, he comes to like me not just because i am submissive, but because of "who i am" in conjunction with the submission.

Whatever the reasons, in answer to “who am i” , i am my Masters slave, willing to submit to Him in all ways, to acknowledge my imperfections and attempt to correct those to please Him better.

i am happier than i have ever been before. He is Master, to be obeyed, In the beginning,i was unsure and would slip-up a lot, now i should have no excuses. But i do acknowledge that i am far from the perfect slave and that every day is a challenge to not slip up ; to not forget my position in our dynamics.

N.B (portion of the required essay)

Blogging

i've missed a few blogs this last week, so i am wondering if i would be able to be successful with this lifestyle if i were not regularly writing. i’m writing for my blog right now, if i wasn’t i could be writing in a journal. i could be writing just for myself, or to share thoughts with Master. i’m not sure if i would have the same drive to write as often if i didn’t have the blog.

I love my blog. it’s opened my heart and mind up in ways that i am not always sure what to think at times. i’m thankful for that but also it can be overwhelming. Often my posts will come from the extremes of my emotions. it’s freeing and scary and enjoyable and frustrating all at the same time. Not every time, but sometimes. i mean that writing for the blog has opened me up, the difficult thing is that it forces me to remain open (if i want to write meaningfully).and makes me look at myself, my life honestly.

Anything

If anyone asked me whether i would do "anything" my Master ordered me to. And the answer is yes, within reason.
Yes, unfortunately, reason does have to come into it. In my opinion, any submissive/slave who checks her brain in at the door is setting herself up for some serious damage. So, with that in mind...
My Master and i do have a safe word. the bottom line is there needs to be a safe word in effect at all times, for all activities.That said, it's not something i would use lightly. In fact, since we've have had the safe word i haven't needed to use it once. i don't believe safe words are for getting the sub out of things he/she doesn't "feel" like doing. i believe they are for getting the sub out of the way of serious harm. So, if my Master ordered me to go with someone and my only reason for reluctance was not quite finding that person attractive, to me, that would not be reason to safe out.
On the other hand, if he ordered me to put me and our health at risk, i would say that safe word loud and clear. Also, if he wanted to leave me in the hands of someone i thought might be abusive, i would safe out.i guess that's why it's called a "safe" word. Its purpose is not to keep the sub from uncomfortable or difficult situations, but to keep the sub safe from true harm.

His slave

i know that i have moments of crankiness, and i can get mouthy, lippy, but i know i will end up staring at his chest because i was too afraid to look up and see what expression he will be wearing on his face.

He will likely asks questions in soft and tender tones—if i am okay, why am i crying—and i will answer with head nods when i can, and silence when i cannot find the words to explain. but i know i want him to hold me to my duties and remind me of my place i need that, i need to know that if a decision is made that it will be followed up on, today, tomorrow, next week, next month. i want him to be strict with me, and put me in my place, and hit me when i’m bad, and hit me even when i’m not, and shut me up when i whine. i want him use me. i want him to be the one to make me cry. i want to be on my knees. He is a my Master, the love of my life, and he deserves nothing less from His slave,and as His slave i'll do everything and anything he wants, serving Him endlessly.

Owned

I would definitely say Master and i have those underlying feelings -- deep, abiding respect and unconditional caring for one another. If our relationship had to stand on those feelings alone, it could. But what a tremendous joy it is to have not only those feelings, but also to feel the same thrill now that i felt when i used to read my Master's words in chat, when i first heard his voice on the phone, when he said good night and good morning to me so many days from 300 miles away, when with incredible excitement we clasped hands for the first time , when i first looked into his eyes and saw the man rather than a photograph, when i first felt our bodies come together, skin to skin, my breasts brushing the hair on his chest, when i first felt the smack of his palm upon myarse, and when he claimed me as His.

I'm not going to write on and on and theorize about why our feelings are so deliciously strong and still growing.
i will only say that to those who have not yet experienced such things:


This can happen to you, too. It is out there.

protocols

Yes i have rules/protocols or whatever you want to call it .. to follow. BUT when i look at them... a lot of them are more or less common courtesies - like telling Sir i am home safe and sound if i go out. That makes me feel cared for and watched over.. for me that is not a bad thing. Example..... Sir has me text message Him when i get home and when i go out.......... yeah yeah i could conceivably text Him from anywhere and how would He know....... but ya see.. i don't lie..... simple as that. it is rather nice to know that Sir is watching for the text to say i am home..

Some folks only do BDSM in kinky ways...... they don't do it 24/7 .. they don't do vanilla mixed with BDSM ... in other words they separate the two and keep them separated..... Sir and i tried that.. it didn't really work... it was all or nothing for us.

So having a safe word .. or the right to say "nah i don't wanna do that" does exist in my world. AND i have to say........we have tried BDSM part time.. we have tried vanilla full time.. and i much prefer having someone else make 90% of the decisions .......... yeah i said 90% .. because truthfully Sir does allow me a fair amount of room.......... He will ask what i think about something.. be it BDSM or a vanilla thing.. and i tell Him what i think (knowing me .. do you honestly think i wouldn't speak my mind??!!) BUT then He has the final say...... and whether i like it or not.. i go along with it.. because ya know what?? it saves a whole lot of time in arguing and fussing and feeling bitchy. (ok ok acting bitchy! cause i can do that very well too!)

i wish

Occasionally, cruising around the blog world, i come across a photo that I know Master will definitely appreciate. i right click it,save image as...., and on the blog it goes. i wish. hmm.. maybe a long time ago. cant turn back time unfortunately

What once was

i read blogs of others who profess their bodily faults. So many women unhappy with so many aspects of their bodies. The majority of these i didn’t understand. My response is always the same as many others would be. “You don’t like what? Wow I’d love to look like that. You must be crazy”

I understand that kind of crazy and i am so impressed with how bold some women are who t put up and pointed out their faults.

So consider this my fault post.

Main ones here, breasts that sag a little too much, Quote"When we met nipple were up there, now they are down there" and belly that seen gain and loss and gain again and gain oh for those far off days of youth, and what once was.

Puzzle pieces

i have this need.. this burning need inside me .. i may not be able to explain it - especially to vanilla folks.. but i can identify the need. It is for pain. i am a masochist. It is that simple.

Over time i have identified i love to serve. i have learned there are other ways of inflicting what i crave (not just through spankings/whippings and floggings)

Over time i have learned the protocols that please Master. (they are not the same protocols that would please another but they are what please MY Master and that is all that is important to me.

i've learned the saying "To thine own self be true" and that is so appropriate for this lifestyle. You have to be YOU.. not some doll that is bent and molded to suit another's tastes. You have to feel it (whatever the IT is for you) inside.......... and then follow your instincts. Yes there will be some bending and molding and shaping so that you and Your Dom fit .. like puzzle pieces......... but just like puzzle pieces you can't just jam two pieces together and hope it fits..It really is that simple.

Master & me

Master has never made any outrageous requests of me and--quite the opposite--has supported me and encouraged me to be well-rounded, and happy. I’m so, so grateful to have someone so caring and understanding looking after me; I’m so, so, so thankful and happy that he is my Master.

In fact, he is so good to me that sometimes i worry that i am not doing the best i can for him. i don’t want to be constantly needy. i want to fulfill Master’s desires, and serve him well and be the girl he needs and wants me to be. And I can only hope that he will tell me when he needs more from me, so that he doesn’t end up resenting me for being too much work.

Blessed talent

There are people who are blessed with a talent for writing.... the words flow and create pictures and deep emotions and wonderment, i on the other hand do not write flowing descriptive literature. i write like i talk... which is why i use all those dots in my writing... i rarely stop to take a breath .. (Ask Sir) i usually managed to butcher some old expression.. Shrug.. But the words flow as they will from my warped mind. Outside of this medium.. (blog writing that is) i tend to be blunt.. short and to the point -i have no patience for whiners or pity Anyway......... all of these words are really to just say two things......

ONE – Sir.. I love You, from the very bottom of my soul

and
TWO........ (Damn i can't remember what two was!!) i guess i must have run out of WORDS. (and breath)

Balance

Being open and honest at all times seems easy enough, right? But in any other type of relationship how much openness and honesty was really there? Because most of the time we Think we are doing this with each other but there is always something lurking around that you couldn’t - or wouldn’t - tell the other for the fear of backlash.

i learned that by not being completely open and honest with Master i am in essence taking away an aspect of control from Him. If i’m not telling Him my thoughts then i am essentially holding back a part of me and not giving Him my whole self. So that if i have thoughts and fears and worries and anxiety - no matter how minor or major - i try to tell Him immediately. i still hold back but only because inside my own head my thoughts and fears seemed trivial and do i really need to bother Him with stuff like that, but is it my decision to even think i know what He wants or needs to know with regard to how im thinking. My overall well being is His concern so He needs to know all about my physical, mental and emotional balance at all times.

black hole

Master's very good about not keeping me "in-the-loop" with things . If i don't know what the plan is, true i can't build up any expectations. If i don't have any expectations, i can't be disappointed. If i'm not disappointed, i don't head off into Master's gone vanilla/hates me/doesn't want me anymore/ thinks i'm a fat cow/ territory but i need to know, im a worrier, and have an over active imagination, and because this is so, i can create in a matter of hours this huge black hole that just eats away from inside outwards. Truth, so tell me, id rather know then i can at least adjust to the consequences of the reality. a black hole is so powerful that nothing, including light can escape its pull. The black hole has a one-way surface, into which objects can fall, but out of which nothing can come, reflecting nothing, i need the light, i need to know where im at all the time, i need to feel that control, good or bad, so tell me. nothing is so bad if i know.

to err is human, to forgive divine"

i’m a good slave. Good enough that He doesn’t have to micromanage me. And i have a lot more “freedoms” under His hand than most might because of how i carry myself most of the time.(occassional i'll err, but no ones pefect) But it’s also why i feel like i’m flapping in the breezes sometimes…waiting for somebody to take hold of my sails and turn me into the wind so that i go the right direction instead of just drifting. He grabs the sails when He has to; and the control is there, just under the surface. i just don’t always feel it or see it.

Today's Idiom ="to err is human, to forgive divine"

The Child In Me

i could give a complicated explanation, but what would be gained by that?

The child ... there in every urge to stomp my foot. Whether i actually do, or just mimic the motion by jerking my leg without ever taking my foot from the ground. i can even stomp my foot in bed ...

a sudden, controlled release of stress.
There when I've stayed up too late, and want to be tucked softly into bed. And there when i don't want to go to bed yet or i have to wake too early (hence the perfection of the foot stomp in bed!)

There when I'm too tired to answer questions, too needy to make decisions or even make sense and frustration is threatening to overwhelm me.
There in every playful, silly moment. When i want to giggle a lot, or need to just be silly ...

She is there in each moment that i want to be taken care of, in a hundred different ways, for whatever reasons. She is there ... that child part of me, and she is welcome. i may only have recognized her as i began to explore and understand the 'needy' part of me, but that in no way tarnishes or diminishes her importance.
She is there, living comfortably alongside the woman i am, unafraid, because i have learned to let that child inside me be. i've learned that i am a physically, mentally and emotionally strong woman. Capable of much more than i ever thought possible, and she is part of all of that.

.
A huge part of the peace i feel surrounding this child in me. One small part of a wonderful whole.

i used to worry that this part of me was somehow a ... repercussion of/to the D/s needs i was exploring ... a cause perhaps. Something missing ... something missed as a child. Something ... unnatural.

But ... no worries!
i may still sometimes wonder about her, but there is no shame. When i give in to that part of me, i don't give up any of the responsibility of my life, or let down those that depend on me. Somehow, her presence better enables me to be all that i am in every part of my life ... to live up to the things i feel matter the most ...

know yourself, live honestly, love completely.

perfect slave

i have often been called a "perfect" slave, which, to me, means that i give it my all, not that i never screw up.
i have given Master power in exchange for freedom, but even that seeming inequality is less dramatic than it appears on the surface. We do not have equal power, but we have equal value as human beings. and we know, that when the times comes to pull out all the stops and be there for the other, in whatever capacity the situation demands, we can always count on the other.He worries about pleasing me, often ignoring his best instincts, and as a result, leaves us both dissatisfied, because i cannot be satisfied if he is not.When he follows his instincts, and behaves as a compelling, leader. He commands respect and deference from me, and in receiving them, he feels loved and valued.

But the point is, both our lives have been greatly enriched by behaving towards each other in ways that may seem silly to an outsider, but absolutely natural to us both.