The kids are off school, MG is on his 3rd of 4th night shift, i have had a really sore face following a bite or something that caused me to look like i had gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and that required a visit to the doctors and a course of antibiotics. On top of all that the kids have got a new Sims game and trying to get near a PC in this house is almost impossible.
So why am I telling you all this, well, in keeping with the kids, PC's etc theme, the shift key on MGs keyboard had gone haywire and the logical course of action was to get a spare one down from the loft where the bits of PC's are stored these day.
Unfortunately, that requires someone to go up into the loft., which requires the getting of and assembly of, ladder.... which normally MG would do but..... i am not renowned for being patience.
Lets just say, because there really is no justification for my actions, because whatever my reasoning was at the time, was no excuse. i could make a fair good case on my behalf for why i did what i did but at the end of the day, shouting at ones Master and telling him to leave you alone and let you be while you struggle with ladders and loft hatch etc.... really isn't on however fraught or distressed or at the end of a tether one might be.
But, that's what i did... at the top of my voice, with gusto and force and then struggled to complete the extrication of the keyboard, but in doing so i had gone against my Master, against his wishes and on top of that, spoken to him with a huge amount of disrespect and lack of manners. No excuse for that at all and i would be the first to agree now but at the time, stress, strain, kids, moans about shift keys from all quarters, i just wanted to get the damn keyboard and have done with it.
Still, that is no excuse for screaming at MG and now, with hindsight i can see that but in a fit.... well, what can i say.
MG had "something to say" today, and come the weekend, when the kids are not here i am sure we will hear more about this incident which will be duly deserved.
Having said that i thought to myself today whether i will learn anything from this incident and that it would never occur again but i am not sure that i will. i am not sure even if MG punishes/disciplines me for this misdeamour whether, if a similar occasion arose, i would recall this one and remember the consequences. i can say without any doubt that while i was shouting, i did think about what i was doing, that i shouldn't be doing it but by that stage i was too far into my rage/annoyance etc to have a lot of control over my actions., that didn't stop me thinking about my role, my submission, my slavery to MG and that he had spoken and that i should do as he said but the slave in me was way out of reach and the self propelled female was in charge.
Its not always possible to be submissive, sometime natural reactions take over and even we, the submissive natured one, blow a fuse and explode. The problem then is, what to do about it.
- Is exploding once in a while acceptable.
- Is there a limit at which it should stop or can it be let go totally.
- Should one be punished for a once in a while letting off of steam.
- Is there ever, any justification for such behaviour from a lifestyle slave.
i am just rather worried that i am too old and too long in the tooth to learn from this, and with hand on heart i cannot say that i shall come away from this with anything that would make a change in me because what we saw yesterday is a part of me that, altho not often seen... is a part of what makes me, me and as such sometimes might just have to be released.
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