Thursday, September 08, 2005

Knowing your place

i have wondered a lot about the incident that occurred a couple of weeks ago and what made it happen and try as i might i am not sure i can place the blame entirely on my shoulders and i will tell you why.

Life in general is never ever going to be a breeze, we all struggle with the daily grind, the bills, the worry of kids, of work, of just coping with life as a whole and it isn't unusual for the worries and all that sort of thing to become such a weight that it take over from the joy and pleasure that life does have to offer when everything in the garden is rosey, but heck, most gardens have weeds and ours is no exception.

There are a few things right now that take some space up in the garden, and make for quite a big patch of dirt, trying to weed it takes a lot of time and effort and by the time you have dealt with all those things, there is not enough time to even think about the niceties of life. This is fact, this is the reality of living in this century, this is day to day grind me down stuff, and not just me but MG as well.

Dom he may be but shite gets to him too and he has had a few things to deal with of late that take a lot out of him and i understand that totally and he has my undying support in everything He does. But in trying to deal with all the reality stuff that is real life, it takes direction away from other things including our M/s. Its never an intentional move, it just happens. One day drifts into the next and before you know it a week has past and you think...damn, we need to bring this back but then something else happens and another and another and kids and work and not feeling well, both He and i, and so many little things get in the way and the M/s is the last thing that you think about and before you know it, you are not anywhere near an M/s relationship for a while, you have slipped into the world of vanilla through force of circumstances and so.....

i think.. that half the problem with the screaming and shouting was because..

i need to submit and feel dominated.. when it doesn't happen.. i not only feel frustrated but very un-submissive. Knowing my place within our M /s means showing those roles in a physical sense.. when that doesn't happen, when i cannot be sub for so many many reasons i begin to feel equal too MG, as a joint and equal partner in this venture and as such i have a voice as loud as his... if that makes sense..

i have said before, that i do not want or wish to be my Masters equal, it doesn't hold any fascination/ pleasure/ desire... call it what you will, for me. i am my Masters slave and will always be and need to be treated and seen as such and when, due to the damn outside crap that keeps getting chucked at us i cannot be the slave to him that i want to be..i freak out sometimes.
Thats what happened, i was equal, i felt equal and i screamed at his equal.... not good... not what i want or what MG wants, but the more i think about it, the more obvious it becomes.

If i am not treated in the manner of a slave, i can't act like one. Oh sure, i can hold it in my head for a while, i can keep telling myself that i am slave, that i am submissive but after a while of coping with stuff that isn't sub at all, i tend to regress into the " i can manage, i can cope" syndrome.
Before D/s i coped, in fact i think i did the nilla thing as well as any other person and if i had to, i could go back to that way but if i am asked, if i have a choice, i wouldn't chose to go back to that way.

i came into D/s because i had an unfulfilled need to submit, that need hasn't changed. In fact i would say that having tasted the lifestyle, my need is even greater than it was to begin with. Having felt the hand and the cane and all manner of M/s, i am addicted.

MG have often said, that D/s is like a drug and that i need my fix and he is so right. i do need it now, i do need him to give me a regular dose of whatever it is that allows me to be the submissive that is happiest on her knees at her Masters call.
But it isn't that easy, and because it isn't, something has to give .
In time, when things come a full circle, we get our balance back and we fit together and can move a bit further down the road having learnt another lesson, having crossed another hurdle and with each lesson learnt we grow stronger.

Just damn hard waiting for the balance to find itself.!!!!

Monday, September 05, 2005

Who, What, Where, When, How

The title of this blog entry says it all i think.... but not who or even what but just an overall impression of not knowing where i am going today at all.
It has been one of those days when very little has gone the way i expected it too... and it was meant to be a good day as well, yet, one mis adventure after another that has left me floundering in a soap of uncertainty and confusion over some very simple, mundane things.

Being lost isn't a new feeling for me, its one i am quite used to living with, i am not sure why but the confused and fragmented feelings i have some days never surprise me now, in fact, if i don't feel these emotions i has to pinch myself because its not something i am use to... being on an even keel i mean.

It really doesn't matter either, what went so wrong today, the fact that things did, sets the hour or minute into a framework that say "Bad day" and from then on in, doesn't matter what i do, its going to be "One of those days" and all i can do is ride it out and weather the storm as best i can.

What the heck is this woman on you are going to ask. Doesn't she talk a load of old bull. Yeah well i guess i do but me being me, i really needed to get this off my chest, shout it out and say, B/s to all the things that didn't go right today because then i can move on past them to sleep a sound and restful sleep and hope that tomorrow will be a bright new day.

i really need a cigarette right now... i would kill for just one smoke at this precise moment, in 5 minutes, it will have past and i will go forward until the next "Fag" moment passes me by but rest assured, i wont have a cigarette because i don't smoke any more but that doesn't stop me wanting one every now and then and i find it helps me to admit the craving and say to MG, "ohhhhh i want a ciggie moment is here" and we laugh and He says, Him too and we do nothing about it but agree that Yes..we could both kill for a ciggie even after 6 month of non smoking. Doesn't go away that easily and that's a fact.

Not very D/s or M/s this entry. We had plans for this last weekend, but like so many times, it really was never going to happen for a variety of reasons and to be honest, at the time i was as happy just to be with MG without all the scening and that stuff. You see, we are not the sort to make all these great big scenes up, we don't do the fantasy stuff and i like things to happen naturally, when they fit into the atmosphere as a natural progression from what was said or done, not when the plot dictates that i bend over or MG says so and so, or i play the nawty school girl and he the Teacher..nope, we don't do all that stuff. Doesn't float our boats.
On the other hand, when the occasion arises that the girls are away for a couple of days, we are only to happy to retreat into our M/s when MG can dictate the arrangement for how and what dinner will comprise of and how it wil be served and if he feels some point is needed to be made about something he might have noted with regard to my behaviour or something that i haven't done that he asked me to do, or even something he feels i might not have done to the best of my ability, these are the things we might talk about and debate and if he feels something is needed to be done, if some line is needed to be drawn or some fence mended so that i know where the boundary lays, then this is the times when we, as Master and slave, do those things. We do not need a big set up screen play to carry out the basic M/s life that we live, that is played out in real time... 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...etc etc

He is my Master, i don't need a script to tell me that nor do i need one to tell me how to fulfill the role i have within this relationship. That i know.... off by heart.