Confusion continued...

i don't really think i ended the last blog with what was really on my mind, i just walked away from it late last night so i had better rectify that now.
i think my main difficulty at present is what is happening to me, something i have no control over and is likely to get worse before it gets better... that of the time of life that i am either going through now or that is coming on thick and fast.

We all know about the effects of the menopause, we have all read the literature... nothing however really prepares us for what actually happens to us... as a person. Oh and me, being the sort of person i am had said to myself as the time approached that this thing was not going to beat me, that i would cope with it the way i have coped with what life throw at the female.. all my life. i was so damn sure that child birth, before, during and after would have little effect and it didn't, that 30 something, 40 something and 50 something was not going to dominate my life, that woman of all ages had had to go through this stage and they coped so why cant i and that i was damn sure that i would not need and would refuse with ever ounce of my being to use HRT or any such stuff, that i would cope naturally.... and so far..i have.
However...some of the effects are so damn difficult.... we hear of hot flushes, but never in my dreams could i imagine the feeling of cooking from the inner out... the inner heat that rushes over you, any time, any place, any where, night and day..that feels like someone opened a furnace under you.... the swelling of fingers that make it almost impossible to clench your hand, the tiredness that never seems to go away... month after month. just some of what i am going through right now.. and to cap it all.. the what seems like constant.. headache, pounding, never going away, the restless sleep from which you wake each morning feeling like you haven't slept at all having been broken by countless awakening due to the heat coming from your body.... ahhhhhhhh

All these things on top of the constant self doubt i have about who i am and where i am going is making me into one miserable being at present and try as i might to shield people from that... taking it all within myself, sometimes it bursts out all over the place and those nearest and dearest to me take the brunt of it. i don't mean for that to happen, i do my best not to allow the effects to have any bearing on my family and even more so on MG.. He really doesn't need all that crap on top of all the other stuff he is constantly coping with and because of this and because i am not sure how much longer i am prepared to allow this change to have such a profound effect on me... i am, for the first time, thinking.. and i say thinking because that is as far as i have got as yet... that maybe its about time i saw someone about all this and took the artificial help to get me over this period in my life. That decision i haven't made yet....

Me... make a decision...you ask...well.. MG and i have talked about this a lot already and he knows of my aversion to putting stuff into my body that god hadn't intended to be there and he will not force or order me to do what goes against my beliefs so he has left this decision to me for the time being which i thank him for.
If the time comes when i am ready to accept defeat and go so the doc it will be because i am ready to, not because i have been told too.

Along with all the physical effect this is having on me there are a few emotional ones as well, the mood swings etc that i am trying really hard to cope with these last few days. Right now i feel fat and frumpy, i berate myself over and over again about why MG would want to put up with this, why should he want me with all these problems i am facing right now. If he backs away from me for fear of getting his head bitten off i think its because he doesn't want to be close...when he gets close.. i don't want that and we go round and round in circles.... and you wonder why i am confused...!!!

Confusion

You may well ask why i have titled this entry as i have. i know for sure MG will but if i may explain my thinking here a bit.

Of course i am confused, that's nothing new, it is my way, to have some sort of confusion within my life, so what makes today any different. If i didn't have something to confuse me, something to ponder on, to twist and turn around in my head i swear i would just be vegetating and that would never do. Thinking, pondering, working my way around or out of a situation, finding an answer, trying this way and that way to come up with, what i think is the best result for even some of the most mundane daily life bits and pieces.... it keeps my brain active and my thoughts charged. Sitting in front of the square box (television) has never satisfied my imagination or increased my intellect to any degree worth mentioning, soaps have not ever held a fascination for me, dramas, maybe, documentaries also, tho not night after night, over and over..but, thoughts, ideas, puzzles, riddles, those keep me on the ball.
So..todays topic of confusion is...apart from the trouble of kitting out my 10 year old daughter in clothing of the 1940's era for a school project ( what does her teacher think i am..to be able to find anywhere this sort of stuff in 2005) i digress....

Who am i, i guess is my favourite confusion topic and once again i suppose i am posing the same question for myself but today i do have a reason. i was watching (out of the corner of my eye while kids had TV on) an American court program, the ones with the Lady Judges making life decisions regarding other peoples lives. Divorce Court i think it was called. The case in question was that of a 30 something female wishing to end her 9 year marriage to a 64 year old man because...she said, she had fallen out of love with him and that his habits that at one stage of their relationship, didn't bother her, now did, the way he ate his food, the way he drove the car, silly mundane life things..but now they grated on her to the point of distraction. Love had at an earlier time covered up the irritations for her, now that no longer existed she could only see the annoyance in them. But surely, as we all grow these things that could be considered annoying become a part of ones life and as such we all take the rough with the smooth on a daily basis. We don't walk away because something isn't just quite right, what we should do is to try and either make that problem better or except that it is a part of who we are and as such.if it were to be changed, we would see a different person anyway

It is easy to become complacent, to sit back and allow it just to flow, someone said to me recently that he thought that at my time of life (nearly, very nearly 50) that it was sort of expected that i should have gained weight and got cuddly and content and that having found my man and happiness it wasn't uncommon for this to have occurred. ( i sort of resented that as i felt the implication was that we females give up trying after we have got our man, but the man is of little significant and i wasn't about to argue with him..my attitude to his remarks were "Whatever") but it is a fact, well documented that mid life (nice term) and the sleek body and the fine skin do tend to get lost in all the other things that have to be sorted. My eldest daughter also feels that i am more "mummmsee" now than i was, i guess that means soft and cuddly and that's ok between me and her as mother and daughter (use to really get her goat that i had a slimmer figure than she did) but my point here is.. is it ok for me, as slave to MG to become "comfortable", to maybe allow myself to let go a bit and relax into our relationship as a normal couple living our lives together.
Does being a slave mean that i have to constantly be on my guard that i do not allow that to happen, that i am in constant fear of an extra pound or too, that if in gaining that weight, i might incur the wrath of my Master... or am i allowed to be a little like any other female of my age and allow nature to do, what nature will do..?
Should i worry endlessly that i might be letting my master down, that i am not trying to be the best i can be for him ?
As i say..thoughts that provoke and stimulate me on a mental level, and heck..confuse me along the way

Imperfections

i have vision, or i am told i have. i have the ability to achieved what i am trying to do because if i didn't i would be the first to not even try, that's something i know about me, if there isn't any hope of success, i wont even try because that to me is setting myself up for failure and failure is one huge great big down trip, so its obvious that i wont even go there to begin with. Logical i think.
So, when i fail, (which is what i have been doing most of the last few days) i expect myself to slip slowly ever downwards into some pit of deep dark black goo, strangely enough tho, i haven't. (maybe i am learning) so why haven't i ?

• maybe i am not really that bothered about what i was trying to achieve in the long run..
• maybe i really wasn't putting all i could into the task in the first place..?
• maybe i have just been killing time all along..?
• maybe i have picked a task that is really beyond me at this time ?

Gawd knows why i should ever think that i can be perfect at everything i do or at least try to do. i haven't got a hope in hell really , yet does it stop me trying, does it heck. Its got to be right or its for the bin and it seems that most of my efforts the last week have ended up right there, in the bin.
Dont get me wrong tho.... perfections is what i strive for in all aspects of my life knowing full well that as a member of the human race the odds of achieving that are about as long as winning the lottery. Yet we do the lottery every week without fail. So i guess that explains why i continue to try and try again, maybe in the hope that with the continued effort an end result, altho not perfect might be "good enough"

I guess i cannot expect perfection of myself really but as far as it goes, i have to do my very best, be that within my relationship with MG , as his slave, as a mother to my children, as a partner, lover, carer etc, as just me... i have always wanted, even expected of myself, the best i can give, half hearted, its doesn't matter attitude doesn't work so the "maybe i wasn't putting in all i could" line doesn't work at all because i am definitely an "All or Nothing" kind of person.
But damn it, failure sits ill with me, makes me so damn cross with myself when i cannot do something to the standard i think i should be able too.

It isn't about what others think i am capable of... altho of course their opinion might help me on my way, encouragement is always valid and is a great asset, but i have to know within myself that i can do something, that i can make the grade, meet the target, achieve an end result, so it is an obvious outcome that when i don't i am going down and for me, usually quickly and without stopping on the way.

Self esteem is a very vulnerable thing and mine is easily shaken so when failure does occur, that self image is the one that take the knocks. Guilt at failing, beating myself up over something which really, if i had any control over i wouldn't have failed at in the first place and yet..

Here's an added thought.. if i don't fail, how will i ever learn because being good at everything allows no room for improvement. What would there be to improve on if perfection was reached every time.

AS slave to MG, my task is to always be as best as i can be, improving on the skills that are not as sharp as some others, growing within myself, learning new things and to do that there will have to be failure or at least a job not so well done so that i may learn from that and find ways to make it better the next time.

And all that is well and good but my problem seems to be that "The next time" has to be the minute i have failed and so... off i go again attempt the almost impossible... but..

i will achieve, i will do what it is i am trying to achieve.... a day, a week, however long it takes, i shall acquire the skills needed to improve so that i will not fail.

Head or Heart

i had occasion this week when for an instant the decision as to whether the head ruled or the Heart did, came to the fore. Matters not why this happened really, other than to say that it did and it set me thinking about the consequences of Head or Heart.

In various different circumstances whether the head rules or the heart does can have either good or bad results and it is all a matter of which one is the best for you at the time and if you wish to take a certain path.

In my case, MG decided which path i followed because that is what we do..He makes those kinds of choices for me, that's what M/s is really all about for the best part. The Dominant making a decision in the best interest of the sub/slave no matter if the sub/slave wishes to take another route. Sometimes MG will make a decision which he has decided is in my best interest but i "want" to go the other way, ie, my heart ruling rather than my head but within M/s i have given him the right to make those decisions for me and if He decides on the path his sub/slave should take, then so be it..

In some respects, the decision we all make could lead us down the wrong road but even so, the desire to follow that path, at that time makes it difficult to chose the other way. If there is no one else to make those choices, no one who can stand back and see the whole situation for what it is and make an unbiased choice, rather than one that is more of a want than a need, then that is where problems and difficulties arise.

As an example: The decision to go and meet someone who you have been talking to online. Over some period of time you might have built a relationship that you feel is worth continuing, you really want to meet this person, you convince yourself that you know them, that this is the obvious next step, that the joy, the excitement that this person creates in you every time you talk sends waves of pleasure through you and that there is no real reason why you shouldn't meet them (Heart ruling)
Yet, somewhere, deep down you have a twinge that really should cause you to step back and wait, to be patient, to allow time to pass and the "getting to know you" process to go further than it has at present. (Head ruling) The obvious safety issue are well know to us all and yet we become blinded by our wants and tend to forget or push aside what it is our head tells us is the best path. Its easy to become blinded by Heart, by desire, by the need to expand and ignore the obvious "head" ruling that under more normal basic life experience would tell you the way to go.

The expression that its easier to see more clearly if you stand on the outside looking in, is very true. Someone else might give you the benefit of that "looking in from the outside" view but at the end of the day as in all aspects of what we do as individuals, we can listen, we can all hear the advice, but it will always be our decision as to the path we chose and suffer whatever the consequences of that decision may be, good or bad.

Head or Heart.... we are mostly capable of making the right decision for ourselves until we become blinded by " want v's need" What we want, what we desire may not be the right path to follow but the want can sometimes be far more powerful and has a habit of painting the situation in a rose tinted colour allowing us to as good as pretend to ourselves that the way we want to go is in our best interest when if we are truly honest with ourselves, it isn't, but oh..the desire, the rose tint can blind us all.

What we should all be careful of tho is not to allow either way to become predominant, to not be able to view any situation from both sides and in doing so, be unable to see the bigger picture. Both ways will have some merit, the task is to view each, even analyse them both and come up with the right, best and proper path to follow. Pro's and con's..

For me, as slave to MG, i give up that ability to make the choice for myself in many things. i have trust that MG will make the right choice for me instead... always, in my best interest.

Objects...not i

There i was, quietly sitting in the chat room and along comes this bloke... now who am i to say who uses seekers chatroom and who doesn't, its open house after all, but i do so object to being treated..like an object.

(Names changed to protect the guilty)

>Male Chatter has joined the conversation.
Male Chatter : hi all
Male Chatter : hi cleo
Male Chatter : u there cleo
•clêô•_MG : sorry..miles away
•clêô•_MG : good morning to you
•clêô•_MG : am here now
Male Chatter : ok lol were u from
•clêô•_MG : UK based...south east
Male Chatter : ok nsw aust here
•clêô•_MG : ahh...an Auzzie...well...welcome to seekers UK style
Male Chatter : u have sexy legs
•clêô•_MG : lol...ty
Male Chatter : what time is it there
•clêô•_MG : not that you have much sight of my legs..but there you go
•clêô•_MG : time in UK at present...11.10am
Male Chatter : ok what u up to tady
•clêô•_MG : just chillin at present...
•clêô•_MG : shopping to do...kids to sort..Masters to pay attention too...
Male Chatter : ok hot here 10pm about to go bed soon
•clêô•_MG : the night is still young...Isn't it..?
Male Chatter : u want to play hey
•clêô•_MG : ermmmm....
•clêô•_MG : you into the Ds lifestyle..or just browsing
Male Chatter : when u take that pic off u
Male Chatter : bit of both
•clêô•_MG : so you understand the concept behind a collared slave then...?
Male Chatter : yes
•clêô•_MG : k..well..the pic... was taken.. by my Master last year
Male Chatter : ok does he spank u much
•clêô•_MG : as and when he sees fit
Male Chatter : ok u like been a slave
•clêô•_MG : if he feels there is a need
Male Chatter : ok what he hit u with
•clêô•_MG : if i didn't...i guess i wouldn't be in a 24/7 relationship with Master
•clêô•_MG : again..whatever he chooses to use
Male Chatter : ok what does he order u to do
•clêô•_MG : i think...you maybe have the concept of what a 24/7 Master/slave relationship is all about a bit mixed up here
Male Chatter : do i?
Male Chatter : he often tie u up
•clêô•_MG : ermmm....i am not sure MG would appreciate me discussing our private and intimate relationship with someone i have never met before
Male Chatter : ok
•clêô•_MG : suffice to say..we live D/s...24 hours a day..7 days a week..use your imagination from that, if you must.
Male Chatter : ok
•clêô•_MG : you see...our life....is a private as yours is...
•clêô•_MG : i wouldn't ask you what you do in bed....why ask me
>Male Chatter has left the conversation.

He left, surprise surprise, but i honestly feel i have a point here, that some people use chat to satisfy their own private kink, to get off on what other may do within their private situations and i for one am not prepared to discuss or debate with anyone, what it is that MG and i may do within our Master/slave relationship.
Of course, we are always happy to lend a hand to those who have a serious interest in what it is that makes up a good M/s relationship but that does not include intimate details of our sex life.
Techniques we may use, ideas, thoughts about various aspects of the lifestyle, but not as far as given details of what, when or how we carry on our private life.

Just my thoughts on the subject..or object... as the case may be..!!!

New Look

i have spent what seems like an age, updating my website, blog and guest book.
i wanted the "wow" factor... really dont know if i achieved that at all, but i have enjoyed the time spent and i think i am happy with the end result.

i hope others think the same... so new look, but the same old cleo.

Now this task is complete i might just get back to some serious blogging

Responsibilities

It has been a while since i put thought to blog, one could make various excuses, unwell ( i had flu), nothing to stimulate the mind to write, or too much to stimulate... whatever the reason, i haven't had the need or desire to put my thoughts here for a little while. i have guilt over that, maybe that's silly, but i made a commitment to keep and maintain my blog and in not doing so, i have sort of let myself down a bit.
So, here i am to rectify that, the problem is that altho i have some thoughts that i could put into words, they are not ones that inspire me or that have fired me up to the point of needing to make them permanent... other than a thought i had yesterday following the reading of a community board where i saw a post regarding the idea that maybe sub/slaves should look at the responsibilities that being a sub puts on the Master's.

Now this is something that i had not ever really thought about or even considered.

How heavy does that weigh on MG... that responsibility to take the lead and make choices/decisions, not just for himself but for me also.
i find it easy to "pass the buck", its what i need to do, as decision making is not a part of who i feel i am, i hate having to decide, to choose... that is why i give that right over to MG but in doing so i must put pressure on him all the time with even the simplest decision he makes on my behalf. For example, what do i wear, what time do i go to bed, silly mundane incidentals but still decisions that i give MG the right to make. But hey, those lil things he does not decide each and every day, ultimately yes, he "could" decide but i would estimate that it is only on the odd occasion that those examples are actually taken up by him, nevertheless, he still has the ultimate power to decide if he so wishes on any given day. His choice whether to or not but even that is a choice he has to make, another decision on his part.
Lets take something of greater significance, something larger, that has more impact, more bearing on me that he might make a choice on. Example, Have i done something outside my remit that he has to decide whether i have overstep my bounds and if so, what course of punishment/discipline he might consider needs to be taken. The need to correct in itself is a big step for one person to have to take over another, even if that right has been given in submission to ones Master, and having made his choice he then has to follow that through to its conclusion, another demand made on him. Its all a bit one sided in the choices stakes i am thinking and must weigh heavily on any Dominant.
Fine you might say, that is the choice taken when one enters the lifestyle as we have. We have made that choice together, knew what we were both taking on and as such we shall both see to it that we maintain that but still, having thought about this a little i have had my eyes opened to the pressure that my submission places on MG.

Not as if he doesn't have enough on his plate, i go and add more and more to his already heavy burden just by being myself, by being who i am, by being his slave.
Of course, there is the other end of the spectrum, the up side to the down, the giving back or i hope there is in that i try my very best to be all things to MG that he requires me to be. i try to do what he needs, to see to it that he is happy and fulfilled in his Dominance, to see that his needs, whatever they may be are satisfied. My way of given back to him. i hope it balances out, MG says it does, that in his Dominance over me he gains what he needs, the power, the control, the ability to take charge of any situation which is his natural way.

We have descussed how things might be different if we were not Master and slave, would life as we know it be that altered and to be honest, on a day to day basis, we don't think it would, if M/s stopped here and now, would we act any different toward one another.... and here is the crunch folks, the answer is no, we would be just the same because it is who we are, He is and will always be a Dominant force, i will always be the submissive one... because it is what our individual natures demand of us. We cannot change that. Had we never heard of D/s, had we never found that there was such a thing, we would still be who we are and would probably live exactly the way we do now, under the same guidelines as we do now because He is who he is and i am who i am. Putting a name to it doesn't alter anything, all it does is give us a way to explain how we have chosen to live our lives and allows us to perhaps take it a little further on occasions when the mood takes us.

It has been said many times before that if people were to look at the way their Grandparents lived their lives back in the 20/30's the possibility of seeing a D/s relationship at its best would be highly probable. Many people in that era lived as we live, the man of the house taken charge, being the head of the family, the wife, without even knowing it, being submissive to him. It was how they lived, was accepted as the norm. Domestic discipline was also quite normal and no one batted an eyelid when Man of the house would spank his wife for some misdemeanour. It was the way it was. The man had ultimate control over the wife and the household, he made rules she was to abide by and expected those rules to be followed. He had control over finances, made all the decisions regarding the family affairs and the wife would follow his lead without so much as a question asked. i guess that is how MG and i live also.
So maybe we live a life that is from past times to some degree and if that's the case, i am happy to acknowledge that because those days, that way of life, seems to me to be a lot better than the ones many people have now.

It will never be a perfect world, but i have no complaints!!

Caution to the wind

Following on from yesterdays entry, i find i have a need to send out the warning, yet again and keep saying it until it sinks in. This is not me being bossy or taking a high hand here but rather i hope, try to make some of you think and then think some more.

It has yet again come to our attention that the net is not all it might seem to be. The times we try to instill in people the need for caution when meeting someone from the internet. The tried and tested rules of safe meetings, the Do's and Dont's and yet still, for some reason, people throw caution to the wind and land themselves in situations that just scream "Danger"

It is so easy to get sucked in, it is so easy to believe because you want to believe and before you know it, you end up in ER or some other emergency room somewhere around the world, No one is exempt, no one is truly safe so please, follow the guidelines, take care of yourself, no one else will.
Below is a list of the sort of information you should consider finding out about the person you are going to meet.

• 
  Name (real name) of the person you are meeting
• Home Address (Has this been confirmed in any way)
• Work address (Has this been confirmed)
• Home phone/Mobile Phone
• Have you got their photograph
• Car Make, Colour and Registration Number
• Their e-mail address
• The chatname and room you know them from
• Your Meeting Arrangements (Date of the Meeting/Time/Place)
• Will you only be there?
• Will you go anywhere else?
• Do you know the area?
• How are you traveling there?
• How are you traveling home?
• What time do you expect to be home?
• Do you know the location and number of the local police station.
• Have you agreed any special arrangements with the person you are meeting?
• Who have you told about these arrangements.
  

Use the safecall system however it works for you, find out about who you are thinking of meeting.

Here are 10 rules to follow.

1. Have their real name, address, phone number and place of employment. Tell the person you are meeting that you have arranged a Safecall. Do NOT tell them what arrangements you have made, just that you have ensured your safety. Again it is worth stressing that if they are genuine they will be happy to hear this. Also tell them that you have passed their details to a third party who is going to act as your Safecall. Remember they may also do the same.

2. Let someone you know and trust know what you are doing. Give them the information about the person you are going to meet. Set up your Safecall for a specific time. The Safecall can work in two ways. Either you can phone your Safecall or they can phone you (or both). After you have made the call set up another call for a later time. (Have a code word so if you need help you'll have it).

3. Make sure that your Safecall Designate has your itinerary. Do NOT change your plans at all.

4. Meet in a public place where there will be plenty of people around if you should require assistance, whatever you do, do not take them back to your home however secure you think you might be.If people are intent on preying on the unsuspecting, this is just the course of action they are hoping for.

5. After you meet take time to talk and get comfortable with this person. If you can't get comfortable this may not be a good situation. Question yourself. Do I feel comfortable? Do I wish to continue? If not stop it there and leave.

6. Don't use alcohol or drugs, this is a time you may need a clear head to think quickly.

7. If the situation gets out of hand find a reason to leave, or a way out. Don't stay thinking it will only get better. Chances are it won't

8. When you do leave make sure you are not followed. If you feel that you are being followed then go to the nearest Police Station. Alternatively stay in a busy public place and call the police.

9. Remember it is easier to walk away before a situation gets out of hand.

10. Only accept what you have negotiated for the first meeting. Frankly, first meetings should only be a "getting to know you" situation.

Remember that a Safecall is not a requirement of a first meeting only. Your safety is always important so Safecalls ought to be used for at least three or more meetings. As you feel more comfortable by all means relax the way they operate. Two or three meetings down the line and simply a call to say you are there, and all is ok will suffice, but don't assume that because the first meeting was wonderful the second will be too.
Your safety should be first and foremost. You should never take it for granted. If you do you may be the next one beaten, abused or even worse, dead. These are strong words but if the other person is serious about you they will understand. Most people that you meet are good decent people. Never take safety lightly. This is not a reason for fear but a time to think and follow through.

Always remember: You only get one chance at life.

Please people, take care, take time and wait if things are not exactly as you think they should be, don't let your needs or desires make you stop thinking about the very basic rules of life and survival.
For more information on safecalls and how to arrange meetings, please view the Safecall site of D/s seekers

"Ensure Your own safety, no one else will "

sub or stupid...?

Why is it that subs in particular say they are responsible.. but refuse to take responsibility for themselves?

i knew of a sub who was "talked" into being used at a play party, she was to be publicly flogged and agreed to this after some pushing and shoving from some sub friends. She had not had any previous experience and so didn't have any idea of her limits even. She was bound and flogged and admitted afterwards that altho she was screaming inside...never said a word out of fear of looking stupid. Why are they so afraid to use safeword? Why do they put themselves into these situations in the name of D/s ?
i cannot believe that those who play with unknowns can either trust or be trusted, to not overstep limits because they don't know those limits.

This leads me on to the subject of monogamy or lack of it within D/s and the state of more is better than less. Personally i like to see subs who haven't been through the mill...says a lot more about them in my estimation, it says they have standards. Its must be demeaning to ones self to submit to anyone.. and then have it end because they really found out that person was not who/what they said they were, its bad enough online... one would think real life would be taken a little more seriously but alas no... for some its the same

i think that the subs that go through Doms as fast as they change their knickers do nothing but harm to this lifestyle...apart from the bit about safe sex etc...the thought that this or that sub has slept with/had sex with 20 different blokes in as many months, outside of D/s she would be called a tart or a slapper or some such name so why is it so acceptable within D/s

"Hey, i have a new Master. That's number 5 this year, but it didn't work out" and it seems to be ok and even...."oh..you were with Dom X, what is he like"..as if the fact that he had a previous sub is good, and i never except the excuse that after a month or so they grew apart, i thought the basis was growing together.

In nilla circles if a girl sleeps around she is outcast or named, its not to her credit, but in D/s, it seems as if its a must somehow, maybe one day she will find out, look deep and re evaluate herself, lets hope its not too late and god forbid she catches something from one of these Doms because talk about totally unsafe sex, the Dom that has been with 10 different females, she with 10 different males, hey..What's the problem....not...!!

What also concerns me are play parties where you find subs playing with some bloke they met not an hour earlier, don't know him from Adam and they think nothing of letting this man shove his hand in the most private of places, no idea if he is clean, had a wash, has touched another, the mind boggles, such stupidity !!
i seriously hope that these people get themselves regularly tested for STD's cause 7 years is the incubation period for something like AID's that's a long time to wait and have it come back to haunt you. If these females are not strong enough to say "sod off" when something as obviously dangerous and out of all sensibility is put before then then it is their fault what befalls them but to do it under the banner of D/s or to prove to whoever that they are "sub" just baffles me totally.

Then you have the sub who is totally besotted with a Dom she has met 3 weeks before, is prepared to give up all she has, move thousands of miles away from home and family and then wonders why 2 months later he dumps her, leaving her high and dry in some place she is a stranger too, with no means of finding her way back, having found out that they are totally incompatible. Stupid you would say, what possessed her, what was she thinking... don't ask me because this baffles me more than anything else we see done under the guise of BDSM.
The sheer stupidity of some peoples actions is beyond belief or comprehension sometimes but woo betide anyone who tries to tell these people that they are heading for a disaster, but still we continue to try and suggest people stand back and take a serious look at just exactly they are letting themselves in for in the name of Dominance or submission

oppss i did it again !!

The song that's goes.. opps i did it again by Britney Spears ...a great song but that besides the point..my opss was not that great, in fact, could have been a disaster if MG hadn't sorted it. A trivial matter really, under normal circumstances it might never have become an issue but as it was, it did and by doing so has given us a lil step up within our M/s
i said to MG at the time, had this happened to any one else it would have been past off as just one of those things, but for us Master and slave, it has proved a good point to bounce from.
i thought i might write about it here because it shows, in the very basic form, just how an M/s relationship works, real life, real time, 24/7

If i might explain. Lil insignificances that make a whole, let me cut a long story short here....

Friday i had to go shopping, i was to collect the rent for payment on Saturday morning. i took this from the bank as always and would normally have come home and that was that. However, there was waiting at the chemist a prescription for MG which i thought i would also collect while i was about the town. All that done, i continued on my way, on this day, to school to collect our lil one knowing that i needed to put fuel in the car for MG to go to work the next evening but having purchased the medicine for MG, had i put petrol in the car i would have been short for the rent on Saturday, so i didn't fill the car up.
Saturday morning comes and there is not a drop of fuel in the car and unlike normal, where i would do it myself and have it ready for MG to drive to work, i asked if i should and he said "N0 leave it, ill do it on the way out" Simple you would think, not so....

The garage was out of unleaded.... not a drop... he drives to the next one (on an empty tank)..CLOSED.... this meant he now has to back track, in the wrong direction some 5 miles to another garage, still on empty and running on fumes i guess. He made it but was now 15 minutes late setting out for work, had got himself into a stress over the whole thing and ended up with a headache to boot and really, at the base level, because i messed up. i should have filled the car, it is one of my responsibilities to see to these things and i didnt, i let myself and MG down and caused unnecessary stress all round.

The moral is...

• slave should have filled the car up before it got to empty....
• There is never a need to be without money for emergencies
• Always take Credit card out with slave.

MG has made it a requirement now, that i do not ever leave the house without my phone and my Credit card, because i do, quiet often, as i tend not to think about things like emergencies or what's if's, i think its called " blonde moments"

i was not punished for my lack of thought as with hindsight one could say that i was not to know that the garage would be out of fuel, and MG had said he would do it himself, but i feel i let MG down and put him under considerable stress and strain, unnecessarily. It wont happen again.

It is one of my responsibilities to see that the car if fueled ready for him to drove to work, its what i do, look after his well being and the lil incidentals such as this.

i can chuckle at the whole thing now but at the time, it was no laughing matter but if nothing else, MG and i have found just one more "requirement" for this slave that her Master insists on and woo betide me if i do not comply with the instruction.

Just base level, day to day M/s at work.

Funny old world

Funny, don't you think , how moods can change so dramatically from one day/week, to the next.
i imagine that if one allows oneself to remain in a pit of black goo and not make any attempt to get out of it, you could stay there indefinitely, but nah.... thats not for me and as has been said to me often of late, life is too short to be unhappy/miserable etc, so best get up and ever onwards, no point in staying in the same old place day after day.

Having said that, how come the mood i have been in has lifted and i can see clearer now. Nothing worth writing home about has happened other than just me, sitting down and acknowledging that it is no good brooding on what i feel i don't have, and making the best of what i do. Ohhhhh been in this same place a few times before i know and each time i have to dragged myself right back here, kicking and screaming and see my world for what it is and be happy with what i am/have etc because to be honest folks, this slave has it made to all intense and purpose.
i go without very little, i have a Master who adores me, and i, him in return, i have two well balanced, happy, secure kids who give me little cause to worry about them, i have a roof, warmth, food on the table, a life in fact that many would be only to happy to swop with me... so once again, its time to stop with the moping and be happy with my life and stop complaining about what i don't have/get. ( very little in fact)

i suppose if i were to analyze what it is i feel i am lacking, if i had to put it into one word, it would be, time... time to do what it is i wish to do, with who i wish to do it with, time to be who i am, without restrictions of daily life and the never ending daily struggle of just trying to get along. Time to enjoy the fruits of all the hard work MG does to provide a better way of life for us all but like so many things, its just not always possible to have what we want, when we want it.

Time to be with MG more than i can be at present and time to be the slave i wish to be without having to worry about mundane life chores...thats my greatest wish, the desire i have at present and if it were at all possible, i am sure it is where we would be...but

oh well, i have to live the life i am dealt and a very happy one it is, in the main.....so...onward i go...always looking forward for the next idea, the next pleasure, the next moment that thrills me to the very core and takes me on a trip that no-one else has ever experienced, for my dreams are mine and will always be and i travel my path with my Master and kids and that in itself is my greatest joy.

Frustration

Why is it that life has a tendency to kick you when your down, if its not one thing its another, nothing seems to go according to plan or its either all or nowt and right now, its nowt.. nothing is happening as we have planned.

And its soooooooo frustrating..... i have always been the sort of person who thinks, "if you want something doing, do it yourself" because many many times in my life i have had to wait on people and hope they do, what it is they say they will do and in the time frame they have said they will do it in, and far too many times, i have been let down, so i now think that if its that important to me, i'll do it myself. The problem occurs when i have to be reliant on others as i do not have the means to complete my task without their assistance and so i wait or sit and twiddle my thumbs while the world ticks slowly by.....and it's sooooooooooo frustrating.

This applies even to the tasks that MG might set for me, i so much prefer those that are all down to me, that do not require any input from anyone else, that allows me to get on with it and complete it in the time frame allowed to me. If i have to rely on others for information, if (wait for it) i don't have control over the task at hand... then i get so stressed out that the task becomes even more of a focus and not a good one. i would much prefer to have a huge great effort needed on my part and have the whole thing down to me, than have to rely on others, or wait for some piece of information to come my way to be able to complete.

Same goes with life things, having to rely on others, wait for them to do whatever is needed, gets me in a right state.......what am i going on about you might ask... Well, today i finally took the plunge and went to see a solicitor regarding my divorce, MG and i have made plans to wed in June....not a big deal you might say but it is because as yet i haven't divorced my ex and there was i under the misapprehension that a quick divorce would be just that, quick, no such luck...5/7 months so i am told and that doesn't leave enough time for a June wedding...and why so long.

oh...i am told because the court cant get off their asses and sign a few papers put in front of them , with a rubber stamp to say i am no longer married.....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. So delayed plans are afoot, forget June, try August or September, no big deal apart from the fact that i wanted a June wedding, so did MG. It was to be on my birthday, 50 years young.

Now...who knows, grrrrrrrrrrrrrr i am so frustrated today

Creature of Habit

It would seem that the harder i try, the bigger a hole i seem to be digging for myself on this one folks. i can see what it is that perplex' s me, but try as i might i cannot make others quite understand what it is that is eating away at me.
i have tried and the few people that i trust enough to talk too, do have some idea of where i am coming from but not the whole. i think i am making MG exasperated on this as he has tried and tried to tell me that my submission is... it just is and no amount of my thinking too hard about it or diggin way too deep is going to alter that..i am His slave and will remain so whether i challenge that, whether i physically submit to Him 24 hours a day or only for 5 minutes during a spanking etc because it does not have to be always visual, always up front, because as we have so often said, it is a mindset.. and yes, i agree, but there is still this niggle in me at present that keeps asking me why i do this, why i submit, why i feel so lost at times and yet at others, totally fulfilled in my submission to MG.
i cannot help the way i feel, i can of course put it to the back of my mind and have done until something pushes a button and something comes to mind that makes me ask questions again...but is questioning so bad anyway, if we just go through life without asking questions or seeking answers, we might just as well sit in a chair and give up and i am not one to do that..i like to know and i like to know where i am going, what my direction is... maybe that's the problem, i don't know what the direction is right now, where i am heading... if i could find that then perhaps it would fall into place again..

i am a creature of habit, i admit it, i like to know what's coming next and when ( a point MG works hard to sometimes hold me back on, the attitude i have of always wanting to know where we are going today, what his plans for me might be, he enjoys making me wait when i just HAVE to know)... maybe so i can make plans, i am not sure but i do like to know.
Set me a task, give me something that i can get my teeth into, demand of me, anything and i am happy, i have a focus, a meaning, a point to the next hour/day etc... leave me to my own devices and i loose myself. Of course i can find things to do, find ways to entertain myself which have some value, a job that needs doing, anything that demands of me and my time is good for me as it gives me that focus, that reason for getting up in the morning.
As mum to my kids i have many things that are required of me, as slave to MG i also have His needs to see to and i freely and willingly perform those tasks for each of them, with pleasure i do what is needed to see that they are all well served in what they need and i would never not do that. But here we go again, i feel i need more, something more that gives me a focus, particularly within my submission.
Then i have this big error come up again...how can i be sub/slave if i make these demands ... should a sub make demands?
Needs, yes i have needs and wants and MG does his level best to satisfy those needs but like a spoilt child i always want more and when i don't get more of course i pout big time... so maybe that's what this is all about... a major pouting session ? Am i throwing my dummy out of the pram here.. (asking the question of myself)..that's what i do..i ask, i challenge until i find the answer to the questions i pose for myself...people may offer me a guiding light and i may see a little clearer but at the end of the day, i have to be happy with the answer or it will not satisfy the curiosity that i have.

Always learning, always moving forward..... With knowledge, we grow

Self Esteem

i seem to be having an inner quarrel with myself right now. i don't really like who i am and because of this, i seem to be beating myself up over all sorts of things in my life. i am so very aware of this feeling as it seems to be traveling thought all aspects of my daily life and i have to admit, its winning... and however much i try to get myself out of the pit of despair i feel i am in, nothing seems to work. Yesterday i ended up in floods of tears for no apparent reason really and when MG asked what was wrong with me as i don't seem to be myself, i have to say that i can only put my distress down to this low self image i have of myself at present.
Anyway, having faced the problem head on, talked to MG about how i am feeling, my doubts about my submission, my dislike of my outward physical appearance and a few other bits and pieces that seem to be looming so large right now, i have made a self decision.

Its time to pick myself up,dust myself off and start afresh... meaning... an outward smartening up as i feel very slobby and tatty right now, ( new clothes needed), a trimming off of some of the additional weight that i have gained over the last year as this also seems to be getting me down even tho i am told again and again that it isn't a big problem and that i don't look "fat" ( i still feel fat tho) a general toning up of those muscles that i have let slip into flabbydom as well (silly because i was so well toned and fit a couple of years ago and felt good about myself)
You may say that the outward me isn't that important and that its what's on the inside that makes me who i am and i would usually agree with you but i have this notion that if i feel good about the outside, the inside will follow along... thats my plan anyway.. and with an inner good feeling as well as an outer one, i am hoping that all the other aspects will fall back into place.

MG for his part has added a few more little M/s bits to our daily life and those i hope will allow the submissive in me to come out again as i have also had the feeling that maybe i was just going through the motions of being slave, he tells me that isn't so and i have to go along with his way of thinking and as i say, hope that with the added rituals/tasks etc, i can find the depth that i had a little while ago.

All sorts of things have got in the way of the M/s of late, we are both aware of that and both realise that it is no fault of ours but rather the outside influences of work and time, tiredness and all the nilla aspects that really have to take a front seat just so we can get through a week without both of us collapsing into heaps of doom and gloom.
Things have changed tho, with the 4 on 4 off shift pattern which we have both wanted for a while, finally coming into being, we are hoping that this will give us more time together both nilla and M/s, less tired and more able to focus on ourselves and who we are at the core.

Time will tell, it can only get better....

Additions

i have added a few links to my blog today, more fun things than anything really serious... however, when i found a Horoscope , not that i normally believe in the things, i was slightly taken aback by its accuracy this week and as such i have thought i would add one to my site and blog and see where it leads.

This week's is as follows (save you going off to read it)

This week's scenario is highlighted by potential petty differences between you and your mate.

It may be best to put personal goals aside in order to work on an important relationship or marriage now. In order to sort out romantic and marital difficulties, you may need to redefine the role you play in the relationship or develop more insight into your partner's needs and issues.

You might need to firm up your commitment to your mate or devote more attention to building a secure foundation for the partnership.

You need to be more tolerant and unselfish and to learn new ways in which you can improve your relating skills.

i showed MG this and i even got "The look" when he read it because this is so true at present, i do need to refocus and redefine where i am going and how i wish to get there. i also need to devote more to my submission and take some more time to think about who i am as MG's slave. i also need to be less selfish (difficult i know) and think more about how much others put in, not just how much i think i do.

We have decided to put some new targets/tasks/rituals in place today and we will see if that gives me a little more focus and hopefully get a few more things done around here while allowing me to have that all important feeling of submission. i cant tell you what these things will be as MG has yet to enlighten me, however much i whinge and whine about wanting to know and wanting to know now... same old cleo...totally impatient but MG has that under control as well and i am told to wait until he is good and ready to discuss these new things with me. Once these have been sorted out i am hoping that they will give me a much needed boost and allow me to regain some of the "s" from within our M/s which i have felt lacking of late.

No ones fault of course, just the same old life stuff getting in the way but that doesn't help me very much when i am feeling totally lost within our M/s and having talked to MG about it during the week, He made the decision that we did need some more time and input into our lifestyle and that when he had time to sort it out, i would be the first to know. i am hoping i wont have to wait too long because i know i really need some focus....

i'll let you know later what MG decides !!!

Mirror Mirror..on the wall

i have looked in a mirror so many times and not seen the real me, so many times, all i see is the outward reflection of the body that holds the inner me.
Once a good friend said to me, look at the whole you cleo, look deep, deeper than the outward trappings, look at who you really are but be prepared because you may not like all of what you find... and how right she was. i found a selfish, demanding, woman who had more needs that she had ever imagined. A person who had for a good part of her life just gone through the motions of day to day life never really knowing what she wanted from it, or what she needed. It was easy to do that, not to rock the boat, to just accept the inevitable and carry on.
But with finding the lifestyle i know and love, that all changed, i found a place for the real me, the submissive yet demanding me, the person who had a desire to feel that someone else had the ultimate control over all and every action she took. i grew, reveled in the confinement that my relationship gave me, i needed that control, that guiding hand.... oh that's not to say i wouldn't or couldn't have managed by myself, for i had been doing that all my life, but this was different, this was a new experience, to give to another my very soul, along with my mind and my body, to do with as they pleased, and in MG i found the Master who would not abuse that and who would take me to the very edge of this awesome lifestyle and who could keep me there within his grasp.
This is not about kinky sex, as much fun as that is. It's about surrender and submission. It makes me happy to let go, to let another have all the power and make all the decisions. There's a curious freedom that comes from knowing you have no alternatives, no choices, and can only react as your own true self to the situation you find yourself in. It's part of the attraction which to some might appear so foolish when viewed from outside but gives me such joy. It shows me who i am: This is the highest, noblest endeavor that any human being can undertake: to know themselves.
i know who i am now, it isn't always easy tho, to maintain that, life has a habit of trying real damn hard to take away from you, what you have found and it is sometimes a struggle to just maintain the status quo. But it is an effort well worth making and i for one would not change it or give it up for anything.
There are times when the outside influences just become to powerful and we have to give a little of ourselves back to being "normal" but as long as we can come full circle back to the Master/slave relationship that is integral to who we are, that's fine.
Nothing is 24/7, its impossible for it to be that way, nilla life is bigger than M/s and we as an M/s couple accept that and do what is needed and required of us both to see that the nilla side of things is maintained as well as the M/s side. Sometimes the nilla aspect takes precedence and again, that's fine with us, but we must see to it that the M/s side is also maintained, even if that means in a lesser form or that its sits happily on the sideline, as long as its function quietly in the background, the thread is there and can be pulled at any time and it can spark back into life.
All i really need, having seen my true reflection now, is my Master, my submission to him and my kids.....with that, i am as complete as i could ever wish to be.

3 Years, to the day.

Three years ago today, MG and i became 24/7 Master and sub. After what some would consider to be a very short online relationship, we met real life and some 5 months later began living together. Much has happened to us in those 3 years, some good, some not so good, but all extremely happy and fulfilling years that i would not wish to change for anything.

In that time we have both grown within our D/s, from the first tentative steps that ended up with the pair of us, in fits of laughter as we just couldn't get the first spanking session right, to learning techniques that work for us and finding what it was that floated our individual and unique boat. This lifestyle choice is after all, unique to each and every one of us and what work for us may not work for others, but we like to think that in our time together, we have found our niche.

Then to the creation of the seekers community, the chatroom in various locations and the final piece de resistance of the seekers website. As each year passes we have become closer in our relationship, deeper into our D/s now being Master and slave within a Total Power Exchange relationship. We have met both online and real life some great people, many who are now long standing friends, we have attended our fair share of munches and get together with D/s folks and even a few fetish evenings as well.

There is nothing like this way of life, nothing to compare to the depth of honesty and truth that is an integral part of D/s. Nothing i have ever known can compare to what MG and i have now and it can only get better. We grow, we move forward, striving to be better and better, we learn, not just about what makes a good D/s relationship but about each other, about our individual wants and needs, our aspirations, our dreams, which seem to be so very similar.

With each passing day, week or month we continue to develop our choice of lifestyle, adding to a firm foundation, trying new and exciting concepts, taking what works and building on that, discarding what isn't right for us but always learning, always growing. We are never going to be perfect, we are never going to know all that there is to know but that wont stop us trying, wont stop us from at least looking at new things and seeing if they can be incorporated into what is already a very powerful and inspiring way of life.

Later this year we plan to marry, not because we feel the need to have something that joins us together, we have that already, the collar i wear means more to me than any piece of paper that a register can give me, but in this day and age, that all important paper has some merit that we feel is needed now, not just for us but for the children and for the future. The day we wed i shall be the happiest slave alive, that day i shall also be 50 years old so a double celebration. Those who will attend that day as witness to our continued love and devotion will be lifestyle friends in the main, those we have come to know well and hold in high regard. They have supported us through many a low time as i hope we have been able to do for them. For that i wish to say a big thank you, to all those who have been there, along the path that MG and i have travelled for the past 3 years.

To my Master i wish to say, i love you Sir, with every breath i have and with my whole being. Thank you for the last Three years, may they long continue.

Under pressure

It comes to us all, those days when the whole world is laying really heavily on you and nothing seems to go right or come out right and really, the most sensible thing to do would be to just shut up and let things ride until it passes. Oh but that would be so easy and i am, if nothing else, never one to take the easy route... i swear it is my life's ambition to find the hardest, the most bumpiest, the most pot holed road there is in existence to travel along.
We all do things that we regret the minute they occur and i am no different... i just wonder when, if ever, i will learn to bite my tongue or at least engage my brain before i opening my mouth. I have been told that diplomacy is not my strong point and that i cannot disagree with, never really been my strong suite and i tend to just come straight out with what's on my mind and not think about the consequences of my words or actions.... something i really should learn to control and deal with as it usually either gets me into trouble or i end up hurting someone's feeling.. never intentionally or with malice, but i am rather more the type to say what i think and then think about what i have said after....should be the other way around really, it might save a lot of heartache on my part if no one else's.
I seem to then have to deal with the guilt that comes after and that's when i hit a low ebb which takes me forever to get out of, wasting valuable time and effort on something that had i thought about first i could have avoided.
Maybe it is something that MG and i can work on, we haven't as yet and maybe we should but i will leave that to MG to decide, i am sure he will find some way of slowing me down a little and maybe making me think before i speak.
i think, if i am honest now, i could do with some guidance, along some line or another as i feel i am getting way to out of control, even for my liking. i dislike the word "training" as does MG because i am not a child or a puppy dog but i do feel there is room for improvement and that would be MGs department as his role of Master dictates what i do and where i go, so i might ask for something to assist me along those lines.
i also feel that because i am given so much free reign i am taking that for granted and maybe pushing it a bit too far so perhaps i need to have that lead pulled in a bit every now and then so that i don't get to big for my own boots.
i certainly need something... not sure what.. some control, some task, something..to bring me back to where i should be and not off on some trip all of my own...... but i shall leave that to MG.. its his department.

Should slaves push

A silly question you might think but one that i often ask myself in the light of how MG and i live our lives.

i have again this evening, watched my Master push himself to get up and out for work when he is obviously totally shattered, yet he does it, again and again, day after day during his shift and each day i say to him that he cannot go on like this... there are just not enough hours in the day for him to work the hours he works, added to that the traveling time...and in there somewhere, find enough time to sleep as well. He starts a new shift still tired from the last, whilst he also tries to find time for me and the kids as well.
It breaks my heart to see him like this and yet, what can i do... i try to make life easier for him but it is not enough and i have to stand back and watch him work himself into the ground.
We both know what needs to be done, in the immediate and foreseeable future, he needs to talk to his boss, reduce his work load, even go back to a 4 on 4 off shift ( he currently does 5 on, 3 off) and see how that works, long term , he needs something with less hours, and more local to home, but those kinds of jobs are few and far between and some would say we should be happy that he is in work at all, many are not.

We should also be glad that at least we have a little time to spend together during the 8 day cycle and of course we are, some ( particularly long distance relationships) don't see their other halves from one month to the next or even longer sometimes. But this isn't about what time we have together, this is about my Master and his needs, not mine... and right now..his need is for sleep.

The title asks, when or if a slave should push her Master and my thinking is, that without nagging i feel i must try and keep trying to get MG to pin his boss down and get this problem sorted before he makes himself ill. In the best interest of...and believe me, it is in his best interest because he cannot go on like this.

The difficulty arises in that things are not all they seem to be right now, with his work, we are sure there is some kind of "Take Over" afoot, but trying to pin someone down to find out who is actually running the company he works for is like trying to get a blood out of a stone. If he could find out who he should be talking to, well, at least that would be a first step, following that, he has to do something about these hours because this really is becoming a major problem.
MG cares for all my needs in one way or another, its time i started to care for his and as i cannot do what needs to be done, only he can, all i can do is to encourage him to seek out whoever it is that can have some effect on his current work situation.

i do hope that happens soon as i am become more and more worried about his health and well being. i dont want to become a nagging other half, its not for me to tell MG to do anything, but its so hard to see him like this and the only way for that to change is for him to find out what he needs to and take it from there but, catch 22 again, he has no time to even talk to whoever it is in charge of this place where he works, he walks in to do a night shift, they walk out.... how is he ever meant to talk to anyone and yet... he has too... and i am at a loss as to how, but if i just stay quiet and let another day/week pass, am i being a good slave to him and allowing (if thats the right word) this situation to continue without at least trying to push him a little to get something sorted at whatever cost.

Canes and Pain

A while ago MG purchased a cane..... !!!

i have to say that when we were actually buying the thing, i wasn't that concerned, but once we got home with it i started to have my doubts as to whether i was going to like this new implement. When we first began our journey into D/s and started to build up our toys, MG's favourite was the crop but being quite new to all this milarky, he would occasionally hit me with the shaft of the crop by mistake, creating the effect of a cane rather than a crop. This gave me some insight into what the cane would feel like and i have to admit, it wasn't a good one and subsequently i gained an aversion to the very thought of the cane as a toy to be used in play.

MG therefore made the decision that the cane would be reserved as a "punishment" tool and nothing else, an added incentive for me to behave myself i can tell you..!!! The cane was put away and never saw the light of day until this weekend.

One of those rare occasions when MG had a Friday night at home, no kids about and time for us to get a bit deeper into our M/s but altho we tend not to "plan" our play times as such, we do use triggers that kind of set a mood and one that MG likes to use is that he tells me that he intended to cause me some pain during the session or that i am denied orgasm or something along these lines. Its all about anticipation.

Usually i would just smile and build a scene in my mind of what might be or i am just as happy to let the mood take us both and see where it leads. However, on this occasion i blurted out a simple statement that may well have landed me in more hot water than i had honestly intended.

What i said was, and i quote..." i am not sure Sir, if what you consider as pain is quite what i consider as pain, i feel my imagination is far more extreme than yours".... silly slave... when will i learn to keep my mouth shut and stop digging great big holes for myself. It is agreed by both MG and myself that i have developed a liking for pain... in fact i have become quite a lil pain slut in my own way which is somewhat of a surprise to both Master and myself considering that in the early days i stated that "i don't do pain" (that makes MG laugh these days.. see his blog entry on the subject here)
Following my statement, a debate as to what i had exactly meant ensued and during this MG asked me to turn away as he made a few notes on a word document, while i contemplated what i had meant by my words. Again we debated the issue and i was asked to state clearly, what i had meant when i had opened my mouth before engaging my brain.
Difficult to explain really but what i had felt was that i needed some limits pushed, needed to submit, to give up something that i hadn't given already, please don't ask me what because at that time i had no idea, all i can say is that i really had a need to feel some real control, domination, submission. Having said this to MG, he revealed what he had typed.

"Cane" and something else which i cannot recall right now because my mind only got as far as the cane but i have to admit that in that one word he had summed up probably exactly what i was thinking, not the cane as such but the use of, the power of, the limit of...

Now folks....here we have an example of the consensuality of a M/s relationship... because we had previously agreed that the cane would not be used for anything other than punishment and now here we were suggesting that it be used in a play setting and that meant that we needed to move the current limit and make a fresh one.
Agreed, because we both felt that we have move forward over the past few months and that the cane, as a means of pain infliction should no longer be excluded.

i wont go into the details of the caning, suffice to say that MG had a desire to leave some marks on my rear end and he succeeded nicely ...Thank you Sir.. Along with a few (a lot really) tears, a lot of hugs and kisses afterwards, a lot of " lets see if this way is better than that, bend over again slave"
A lot of me pleading for "no more" but without a safeword used so we can forget the begging cant we..!!.. i think you all get the picture anyway..

And a great evening was had by all concerned.... Thank you Sir for the limits extended, for the push that was needed to try and for the lessons learnt which i am sure will be revisited at the earliest opportunity.

Upper hand cont.

i am going to try really hard to explain my thinking here because i dont think i have made my thoughts very clear about how i see this. Of course, it is only my thinking and as such i dont expect others to agree or disagree but i would like the chance to try and explain.

i have read, as i am sure other have also about the need for equality within the lifestyle, that both Dominants and submissives, in their own way are equal to one another, that the sub, in giving her submission might even have some "power" within the relationship. That as intellegent beings we all have something to bring to the table on many different subjects.
However, i am thinking here along the lines of being subservient to MG and as such, how can i possibly be his equal within our M/s.
Sure, of course, within the "nilla" realm of the time we spend together, with regard to the upbringing of the children, even during those times when we are relaxed and not into any major M/s depth, equality might be possible and i can stand tall and beside him but...

Even during these times, i find, deep inside, a need to be beneath him, to be over shadowed by him, to be submissive in ever aspect.
Dont get me wrong here, if i was playing a game (any game) with anyone else, i would be driven to win as it is in our nature to do so, but with MG, even though the desire to win is still there, i feel guilty, disrespectful even to be in the upper hand position. It isnt a pleasent feeling sometimes and i have tried to fight it but i always come right back to ..He is Master, i am slave and as such, it is not my position to be in a situation of beating him...at anything.
i have to say here, that MG does not agree with this thinking i have, in fact, encourages me to play to win (against my inner self telling me to lose) and there are times when the joy in winning takes hold of me, but once again, i come back to the same stance that says, you are slave and it is not your place to be in the upper hand position.
Game of 8 ball, or the game of life.... as slave i come after MG, not before.

Sorry to waffle, but this is eating away at me right now and i need to try and clarify it in my mind, if nothing else.

8 Ball

There you are, on a winning streak, you just cant miss the pocket, even if you try. The balls just love you and you are living a charmed life at the table's. One game up or 10 games..makes no difference, you just cant make a wrong move. The trophy is yours for the taking.... your opponent just doesn't stand a chance. Great you might say but what if the opponent is your Master....arghhhhhhhhhhhh

A game you might say and of course you would be correct however, i found that being in the winning position did not sit well with me at all, had i been able to get away with making unforced errors, believe me, i would have made them because, beating my Master at anything, even a game, is not something that i enjoy very much.
You might think that i am being rather silly, what does it matter if i beat him in a simple game of 8 ball but it goes way deeper than just a game to me. i wrote in the previous entry to this blog how i feel that in the greater scheme of things i am subservient to MG and as such feel that my place is at a lower level, that to have the upper hand, hold the winning position goes very much against the grain of how i see my role in life.

People might laugh at this notion, feel that i have as much right to win or to be equal but as before i say that i do not want or wish to be MG's equal... i want to be his slave, i give that to him daily, why should i then desire to have the upper hand in anything, even a game.
While the game was in progress i have to say that there were times when i felt bad about making a shot, about potting the 8 ball and knowing i had won another frame even when MG would say how well i was playing but deep down inside i had this gnawing feeling of....of all things.. disrespect for my Master.

i cannot explain this feeling nor can i justify it, all i can do is acknowledge the feeling of discomfort and make note that it is not for me. i don't want it or need it and would so much rather not put myself in the position of having to face it.

slave always, and that doesn't include beating my Master at 8 ball or anything else come to that, im the one who gets beaten.... at 8 ball or something else namely my butt usually.

Eye to Eye

Something occurred the other day that set me thinking about my role/position within my Master/slave relationship with MG. i happened to say that as his slave i felt that i was not his equal and that he was, as my Master, on a higher level than i. He disagreed. He feels that we are in an equal partnership, equal in all things and i would guess that as a general rule i cannot argue with that. In our lives yes, we each have equal say in most thing, we each have something to bring to our relationship and we each give and take from it, in the same amounts. We are equal within the realm of human interaction, both intelligent, both able and capable and both have individual assets we bring together within what it is we do. From the outside, we are equal, even though he is Master and i am slave, we each contribute an equal amount to the relationship.
The fact that MG has the Dominant role in our lives does not give Him some greater sense of worth or superiority.

MG values my opinion, in fact he requires it of me and as such i am involved in every aspect of our relationship. He will of course always have the final say as Master, but He also knows that i am intelligent and capable of holding me own if and when i am required too.

There are many that might conclude that it is actually the submissive with all the power in a relationship but i would not agree. It has been said that the Dominant only has what is given by choice, and cannot independently take what is not given freely and that being the case, the submissive has a certain amount of "power" within the M/s bearing in mind that the power in an M/s relationship flows from the submissive to the Dominant, in the form of the submission given.

Now, why should I not agree with some of that...I'll tell you why...

i cannot and will not argue that both MG and i as human beings are equal, and if we were not Master and slave i would have no problem with that at all. But, we are and as Master, from my perspective, He is the greater being, i bow to his authority, i kneel before Him, i give of myself in all and very aspect of our lives, willingly, and if i were allow, would happily put him on the highest pedestal i could find. If he would accept the title of "Lord and Master" i would give it (but he won't) so for me, NO, we are not equals within the contents of our M/s and never will be. He will always be the greater force and no amount of people telling me otherwise is going to change my view. Of course, that isn't to say that i consider every Dominant in that light, far from it, this view i have is for MG and MG alone, to anyone else, i am as equal and have as much right as they do and let anyone try and say otherwise. slave to only One, MG, to anyone else, feisty, opinionated, kick ass fem. As my MSN profile proudly claims.

Equal in what we offer one another, equal in what we give and receive, equal in that one cannot be, without the other...maybe, but He is Master and as such, hold a higher place than i as his slave will every do.

Don’t get me wrong here folks, I am not shouting that as a slave i have no worth or input into anything, nor am i condoning a Dominant attitude where the Dom takes, take takes and never gives anything back… not at all. What i am saying here is that for me, within the relationship i have with MG, He will ALWAYS be, the power, the force, and as such, i put him up high, i place him in a position of authority and because i do, i feel that he is on a higher plateau within our relationship….in fact.. that’s where i wish him to be.. want him to be.
For me, He will always be above me in our lives, that doesnt’t make me an less or worth any less, all it means for me is that as my Master, i look UP to him…. Not eye to eye. And that is how i like it and how it will always be, for me.

Oh..i am going to add a GREAT BIG FOOTNOTE HERE...just in case people have misinterupted what i am saying here...

I DONT WANT TO BE MY MASTER'S EQUAL...

i am slave, He is my Master, we cannot be equal or we would not be who we are

January 1st 2005

I have always believed that D/s is a lifestyle to be lived and one to learn and grow into. I don't think anyone is born into it, it must be learned and practiced... a sub might have a submissive nature, might be naturally submissive in their daily life but along with that will come the need to learn about the lifestyle, about a Masters requirements, which of course will be totally different for each Dom they might come into contact with, it is a constant growth thing, with constant learning. The same applies to Doms, of course a Dominant personality is something that you are born with, but to be dominant in your every day life is a learning process as well and a major part of that learning is the one that builds trust.

I do not see how people can have wonderful and fulfilling relationships if they don’t have the essential element of trust, vanilla or otherwise, for without trust any relationship is fraught with dangers and pitfalls that life throw at all of us. I have thought so often of many of my friends relationships and how the husband lies to his lady wife about so many things or how she makes up false reasons for not doing what is considered her responsibility within that marriage and I am never really surprised when I hear that their relationship has floundered and they are going their separate ways. And then I think about what makes a good D/s relationship and I find that the element of trust between a Master and slave is such a major part of all they do and that because of the trust, there is no need for the lies and deceit that is all to prevalent in many peoples lives and yet still we have people who say D/s is not “normal” or is not right or is kinky and I think…if this is kinky or if this is abnormal then bring it on because I have total and absolute trust in MG and because I do, our relationship is as solid as a rock.

We have read all the horror stories about BDSM, but I suspect it’s rather like anything in life, if people don’t think it can hurt them, they don’t protect themselves against it, a naive attitude but one that we see a lot of, and without some firm groundwork and a time for learning about one another, trust cannot possibly be there from the outset, it takes time and a lot of it to build sufficient trust to place oneself into the hands of another.
In the beginning of a relationship, it’s essential to build trust and to develop that as time goes on. You can’t instantly give yourself to someone who you only just met! Surely that goes without saying yet some do and wonder why on earth it all goes pear shaped within a matter of days or weeks. What happened to the getting to know you period, the easy does it lets not go to fast and too far, what is there about D/s that drives people to take huge risks with life and limb, its silly and so unsafe, people wouldn’t usually do some of the things they get up to in the name of D/s, I don’t understand what drives them sometimes, honestly, but I know that some 'new' people get attracted to the lifestyle for its rather 'romantic' expectations. It’s those people I would hope, who will take the time to listen and learn about themselves and the lifestyle before they go head over heels and walk into something they really have little or no concept of and get themselves into big trouble.

It is a fantastic way of life, when the parties involved are caring and sensitive individuals who also happen to be sane, safe and consensually aware but there will always be those who are not, who use the lifestyle for other reasons, who have hidden agendas and only use chat and online to make an easy killing on some unsuspecting person who’s desires seem, (for some really weird reason) to have put up a mental block against their own safety and welfare.

On this first day of a New Year I ask all to take time and to step back just a little, make 2005 the year for you but do it safely and sanely and build the trust that is required before you give yourself totally to another.

Happy 2005 to you All