Mindset

I read in another blog today of a sub struggling with some newly found disabilities and i can so understand from where she’s coming but in the same vein i think i have got my head around submission on a more mental level these days… Here's what she wrote….

”What kind of service is there in needing Master to take care me instead of me caring for Him? i understand that all stable relationships have their own precarious balance of give and take, but in our relationship, as a slave there are (to my way of thinking & feeling) a few absolutes. Number one for me is SERVICE. That is my “thing”, my banner, wave it high. “Can i get You…., Would You like…., Is there anything i can….” are my mantras. Now every time i turn around, i hear those very words spilling like waterfalls from the mouth of the One who used to shoot verbiage like “NOW!” It is unnerving how much our roles have changed. i still feel submissive, but in a different way. He has always called me His “pet”, but now i honestly feel more like a pet than anything else. i mean, before, i could do things, now He’s doing most of them for me. The worst of it is that i an not unable to complete tasks, it just takes me longer and i tire easily. I have too embraced the opportunity to go in new directions, but i have not. i am going to have to find a way to get my head around that. i know this, but i don’t know how & i feel so, SO guilty for all the changes that this is bringing into Master’s life as well.
I had these same thought on my return from the hospital 6 years ago and even today MG still does for me, more than i do for Him, but that’s a joining, a coming together of two loving souls and i have to say that far far outweighs the need for anything D/s.. MG will let me struggle if i really need help i can ask and He will always give me assistance, but still allowing my need to serve Him. Of course our play has mellowed with age and disabilities, but i think i was being naive if i thought I’d still be an hour a night on my knees as i got older, disabilities or not. Funnily enough it was a joke i once laughed at with MG but we are still and will always be Master & slave because i feel it’s an exception to the “actions speak louder than words” rule D/s is all about mindset.And my mind is set, rigid, unwavering on He is Master, i am slave and i'm planning on going to my grave with that mindset

In the meantime

I realize I’ve been bad at posting lately. It’s a combination of factors.
I wake up each day, and then watch the clock, wondering how I’ll make it to the end of the day. I have trouble falling asleep, and once I do, I wake up early and can’t fall back asleep. . I don’t know why I’m so eager to make it through each day, I take it second-by-second, minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day, week-by-week.Life doesnt get an easier, i struggle evey day and im sure ll continue to do so, Some days are easier than others.

i cant and dont expect life to get any easier on me, my situation cant improve so can only get worse as my health,/fitness follows my age. As i get older so my physical disabilities will become more and more of an issue, this scares the hell out of me.but as there is nothing i can do to change the facts of the case n point in dwelling on it but i needed some dominance in my life. we don’t have many rituals or requirements that I’m required to follow leftSo I need some dominance, to bring me back to center. I miss it, and when its been too long, I sometimes forgot how it makes me feel.In the meantime, i just keep my head above water.

Slave to:

I believe that there are certain people--and, yes, they are most likely few and far between--whose place in the world is in the ownership of another. Yeah, i believe slavery has valid applications, and not just "ooh, fun sex slavery," either. i simply perform better when I'm told what to do than when i have to figure it out myself. On my own, i waffle and waver and never really get anywhere. i have no impulse control, and i basically just do whatever takes my fancy at the time, whether it's a good idea or not.

So.
Inability to make decisions.
Lack of direction.
Lack of willpower.
Yes, let’s not even bringing up the inherent desire to please, the way i submit to my Master’s wishes, etc.
One of two things happens to people like me. Either we find ourselves in abusive relationships, one after the other, or we somehow manage to fall into a situation where our need to be a possession, is used for good. Now, honestly, I'm too damn stubborn for the former. Somehow i got lucky enough to get the latter second time around.
The upshot of which is that i really believe i need more of this type of control in my life. i obviously suck at doing things without it. Not to mention how good, how secure, how WHOLE it makes me feel.
The truth is, i need it. i need my whole life to be subject to the whims of my Master. Not just parts of it. Not just, "Hey, do this one time.". Not that i think i'd be good at being micromanaged. That's not Master’s style at all anyway so no fear there.. Just tell me what you need done please. i need something to work towards .
idon't think the need to be owned has anything to do with age, sex, race, religion, financial status (or lack thereof), or anything else. i just think that there are certain people in the world who function at their best only when they are under control of another.
That's pretty much it.
Love You Master

Devotion and Respect.

i try to make Master happy, because i love his happiness. It makes me happy to make him happy. There is a very real and fulfilling reinforcement for my obedience and submission to him. i love pleasing him, but not because i am "his slave". i love making him happy because the happier i make him, the more he will show his happiness, his appreciation, and his love for me - making me happy in return. It truly is a never-ending, wonderful cycle. But what most people miss is that this has absolutely nothing to do with D/s whatsoever.

Sure it makes us happy to participate in a D/s relationship. Because we understand that he is the Master and i am the slave, there are certain dynamics in place that make us happy by their very nature. He controls, i let him. No matter how much fun we have with it, though, the bottom line is that no matter what we call ourselves, it is simply because that is who we are.. And no matter what i call myself, i am going to revel in the knowledge that he is controlling and taking responsibility and making decisions, and because of that and the gratitude i feel that he lifts my unwanted burdens, i will offer and eagerly look for ways to please him. And the happier he is, the happier he will make me, and the world, or our little piece of it, becomes a beautiful garden of devotion and respect.

Need to be told i'm a "Good Girl"

i still need to be told i a “good girl”

• Be helpful. say "Is there anything i can do for you Sir?"
• Be friendly. Always be nice. Don't gossip or say bad things about people behind their back. Smile!
• Be polite. Courtesy is a big part of being good. people will respect you more if you say things like please, thank you, and may i. Let older people go first.
• Learn helpful skills. Learn how to cook, do housework, –
• Be organized. "have a place for everything, and everything in it's place
•. Learn to ask politely for help, respect the advice given you.
• Dress like the good girl you are. Ditch the leather jacket and ripped up jeans! Get into a nice fitted pair of jeans and a cute colored tee shirt (pink, purple, or blue are some options). Get a few pretty skirts too. Make sure to also brush your hair and keep it in a nice style. A bit of bright jewelry is fine. Remember, good doesn't mean dull!
• Don't wear a lot of makeup. Too much of it makes you look trashy. Don't wear it at all if you don't feel like it. Or use natural makeup, lightly applied. The same goes for jewelry.
• Stick to good morals and values. Don't drink, smoke, do drugs. These things aren't important, they won't help your future-and they're definitely not good for you or your health. Stay away from it. Stick to your curfew hour.
• Stick to good music, books, movies, tv, etc. Have fun! It's okay to sometimes act a little immature and watch a good Disney movie show or read a kids' book again. You can still watch tv, listen to music, and see movies that are good-don't worry, they're just as good as the more "adult" ones, sometimes better! ;) Learn about different kinds of music and reading.
• Keep regular hours, and be sure to get plenty of sleep. Being well rested will help you feel healthier and it will be easier to be courteous to others.

Memory Lane

"Footfalls echo in the memory, Down the passage which we did not take, Towards the door we never opened Into the rose-garden.”
~T.S. Eliot

This slave finds a wistfulness for both what was, as well as what was "not". What "was" went too soon. The seasons change,time slips by and with each passing year this one longs to hold onto summer's fleeting days, reminding me of youthful laughter and warmth and pleasure.
The freezing of those perfect moments when they graced us is sadly impossible, time marches on, no matter what, we can but try to hold in memory every second and allow it to fill our soul to sustain during the chill and darkness.

Slavery's moments change as do all moments. My wistfulness comes due to lack of understanding of the impermanence of time. The moment which mark this slave's soul and heart keeps me forever bound to my Master even when the mark is no longer present on the flesh.

brat !

i have seen in chat rooms ,discussions about what it means to be a brat. There are girls who are so proud of being a brat that they put it in their descriptions, an "in your face" kind of statement that says "this is how i am, i ain't changing for nobody, so THERE!"

Now, truthfully, if a girl is smartass, disobedient, making her own choices about her own behaviour, showing tremendous disrespect to most folks with a capped nick, intruding with ugly comments into ongoing scenes, and being silly and giggly just for attention.....AND states that she's proud of her behaviour....what does that tell a Dominant who is looking for a submissive to own?

Being a brat is, in my opinion, nothing more than choosing to have no self control. It's hard to not type things without the motivation of making someone proud of her restraint. Is it TOO hard not to? Or is it sheer laziness that makes some folks proud of their bratty behaviour? And what is funny to me is that so many of those brats want to top from the bottom when they DO find someone who wants to try with them....it's their nature, and they were attractive enough for the Dom to "own" them, why should they bother to change now?

When bratty behaviour is accepted, and encouraged, in a forum such as in a chat room, it is detrimental to the formation of relationships, truly D/s relationships, as well as to the room itself. Again, this is only my opinion, nothing more. But it has been both my observations, and my experiences, that have created such an opinion. You have got to desire to turn from sassy, reckless brat, into being the ideal sub any good Master could want, if it takes work so be it.

Man flu

i’ve got a cold as has Master. This is first one this year. Obviously making up for last year.

Master had a flu jag, dont think its working, so as men must do in these situations He's told everyone within hearing distance that He's ‘not well’ in a weak, croaky, bunged up voice followed by lengthy bouts of sniffing and looking helpless.

manflu

I’ve just been looking up the common cold, and it’s much worse than i feared. Apparently Master is dying through a severe version of man flu. Just check out these scary facts and fiction points nicked straight from manflu.info site, i paid particular attention to the women role section)

Man Flu is simply a cold, the symptoms of which are greatly exaggerated by men.

FALSE – Man Flu is a serious and potentially life threatening illness, and will no doubt soon be on the Health and Safety Executive’s list of Reportable Diseases. Man Flu is a distinct disease in its own right, and should not be misdiagnosed as a mere common cold.

Women can catch Man Flu

FALSE – Man Flu does not attack humans with the XX chromosome, only those with the XY chromosome. This genetic mutation effectively immunises females against Man Flu. This may account for the reason that women widely believe that Man Flu is actually just the common cold, but with a bit of extra drama thrown in for good measure.

The best way to deal with Man Flu is to just ‘get on with it’

FALSE – Extensive research has proven that the only way to combat the crippling effects of Man Flu is complete withdrawal to the sofa and uninterrupted mollycoddling by the girlfriend / wife/slave.

Men have a slower recovery rate from Man Flu than women do from the common cold.

TRUE – The effects of Man Flu can linger for days and days, compared with just a few hours for the common cold. If the man is not permitted the correct period of convalescence following an attack of Man Flu he can be plunged back into a critical condition (see The Woman’s Role as Carer).

Man Flu is just a way for men to get sympathy / time off work / time in front of the telly

FALSE – Man Flu is a bona-fide and debilitating illness, would men make a meal of that sort of thing?

The pain and suffering of Man Flu is similar to that of child birth.

TRUE – Though at least with child birth it’s all done and dusted in a few hours, but Man Flu can last for weeks…

The best cure for Man Flu is a cocktail of Night Nurse, Day Nurse, chicken noodle soup and whiskey.

FALSE - There is no cure for Man Flu. Once infected the afflicted can only hope that the gods roll the dice in favour of life rather than slow, lingering death.

While suffering from Man Flu, men would like nothing more than to go to work and try to forget about their affliction.

TRUE - However, men recognise the huge risk of spreading Man Flu to other men. Indeed, a single cough in the wrong direction could hold enough Man Flu germs to wipe out a small rainforest tribe.

Flu Jab

Seasonal flu is a highly infectious respiratory illness caused by a flu virus. It spreads rapidly through the coughs and sneezes of infected people.
Seasonal flu immunisation, or the flu jab, is the injection of a vaccine against flu. It gives good protection from flu that lasts for one year.
The flu jab is offered to people in at risk groups,(Masters work give it for free, cuts down on sick days ) who are at greater risk of developing serious complications from flu. To stay protected, they need to have it every year.
The vaccine, which is normally available in the autumn, is made from the strains of flu that are expected in winter.

How effective is it?

The flu vaccines currently available give 70-80% protection against infection, with flu virus strains closely matching those in the vaccine.

Effective..? Nope cause Master had the jag last week and both of us now has flu, im dying quiely. Master being a man has the man flu strain and is dying loudly. All i can do is supply the necessary tissues and smile and say Yes Sir when He calls me rudholf.(red nose)

Communication

Communication is a key part of any relationship, especially a D/s one and i've always tried to be as honest as possible..

i'd like to think that along the way, i've worked Him out almost as completely as He has me . There are moments where i can see straight into His head and know what He's thinking, other times we fnish each other sentence, Sometimes i'll do something for Him and He'll sigh that it was just what He wanted, but i'm not always right. Knowing when to act on my gut and when to wait for Him to guide me is one of the challenges of slavery, because He doesn't always want to correct me when i anticipate His wishes, but He doesn't want a passive doormat either. That's why communication will always remain the number one priority for us, and i will never take His knowledge of me for granted.

Not even REMOTELY D/s.

My thoughts have been dwelling a lot lately on where we are now, where we've come from, and how we got here. It's such a wonderful thing to think about..

Basically, while our relationship is still very much a M/s relationship, the outward expression of M/s is not as necessary as it was in the very beginning.

Shocking, i know.

But that is what has happens we have settled into relationships. After many years (8+)...the fact is that we don't need to outwardly express what we are, simply because by living within the parameters set into place within the relationship,the control/submission is expressed daily, habitually, via the framework that Master built and set into place. Few people would ever know they were there unless they looked very hard to find them.

Probably 90% of our relationship will look "vanilla" because it IS "vanilla" in that there are hardly any outward expressions of M/s visible. We can relate as equals and you know what? It doesn't destroy what we have.

The only way we have been able to get to this point is because we liked each other as PEOPLE from the very beginning. We appeal to each other intellectually, emotionally, and in general. Yes, we do relate to each other in ways that aren't strictly D/s, or not even REMOTELY D/s.

i AM his slave and i always will be. The dynamic is there, it is strong and pure and very real. He controls what he wishes to control in my life, that, to me, is what being slave is all about.

i live my life, period. He can't live it for me, nor would he want to. He has his own life to live, and guess what?. Respecting each other as people, as a man and as a woman, as a friend, as a lover, as mature adults....that is the first cornerstone of any successful relationship, whether D/s or not.

Just because i am slave does not mean that i become useless as a human being for anything other than my Master's whim of the moment. Just because He is a Master does not mean that he becomes useless as a human being for anything other than exerting control over his slave.

D/s is so deeply and firmly embedded in our relationship, in how we live and who we are, that we just don't even really think about it anymore. We make no effort to .... i don't know, to specifically express D/s simply because we are a D/s couple, if that makes sense. It is there, believe me, and expressed in some very wonderful, special, meaningful ways...but never expressed to...prove something, i think is how i need to word it. We have nothing to prove to anyone about anything. We have already proven ourselves to each other, in the ways that count, and there is no need for it anymore.

It's just who we are>

Vice Versa

Even here, in this blog, when i have been going through my "silly" spells, i have tried hard to give an accurate picture of what it is like to be slave to a Master. i have always tried to put the good with the bad in my blog.
i am not the sort of slave who has a need to write up about every sexual experience Master and i take part in, our bedroom is just that ours. Beside there are literally hundreds of those kind of blogs around, mine doesn’t need to be fantasy of being tied, beaten etc, i don’t have a need to tell my readers if Master has clamped my nipples for 15 minutes or not or if he requires me to use any one of our dozen of toys in a certain manner. Those things are private. The mentality between a Master and slave is more interesting i believe. Thing are far far easier said than actually done ive found.
Master needs for me to be what i need to be, nothing but His, mind and body, with special attention to mind. Of course He values my body but mental Domination is as powerful, my mind, my thoughts, and my opinions - i am not a robot, or a "mindless blob". But at the core, i am totally His....not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. This is so deeply fulfilling i can't even begin to explain it. This is what a real D/s relationship is, not only “whips and chains”.

Total commitment on both sides, to fulfil the role as defined ...... to the deepest extent we are able to do so. For me to be as mentally submissive as He is mentally Dominant. And vice versa, it will always and has always been a two way street, a give and take, i forget that some times.

Yours

i began to believe that there is no way Master could still want me crippled and getting older., i felt that i couldn't do anything right, much less be a good slave to this Man. i wasn't giving Him credit for being understanding, and yes, i was seeing from my own perspective. But i am realising that He sees not circumstances....He sees me. Such a simple, but dramatic, concept....if one doesn't "get it"....i will learn, to get over this deep seated fear of rejection that I’m carrying.

I realise now that i am more than sexual fulfilment to You. i am totally and completely Yours, i am sure that i still hold some really negative thoughts -that will probably be with me for always, i dont think i can change that, i do tend to cling to my old things with a passion, but thats a part of who i am.
Thank You, Master, for so much. For loving me , the good and the bad

i need !!

i need clearly defined limits. i will need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways i am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so i know how far i can go and feel secure inside those limits. i will need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when i try to climb them without Your approval.

I need You to be consistent. i will need to know You mean what You say and that today's rules will apply to tomorrow's behaviour. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You will give me. From time to time i may test You to see if You still accept control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You've chosen for me. It will not done to try Your patience but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to me. Very often it will not be done consciously and i promise I'll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.

I need to expand my limits. i need to be challenged. Left on my own, i become bored or stagnate within the boundaries i accepted in the beginning. i need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I've been. i may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I'm unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. i will depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.

I need You to teach me. i need to learn. My mind is still hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that i can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.

I need goals. i am very goal-oriented. Without Your direction i will quickly become lost so i look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as i continue in my development as Yours..

I need to be corrected. i need You to correct me when i make mistakes. Without Your correction i will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals. Without Your correction, i may never know I've made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. i admire firmness in correction and will feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You've set for me.

I need Your approval and reassurance. i will need to know when You approve of me or what I've done and to know i belong to You even if i fall short of my goals. i sometimes confuse approval with disapproval if You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. i will constantly be seeking Your approval when I'm unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I'm confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.

I need to be able to express myself. i have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. i will fear Your rejection and will hate disappointing You, so i may need a little space and time to voice all the things i need to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren't something You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I'm upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings there can be only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that i can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.

I need to learn from my mistakes. i need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. You may struggle with allowing me to be hurt but i need to learn the consequences of what I've done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. i will need Your comfort once I've faced my failure but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears.

I need forgiveness when i fail. Nothing hurts me more than to know i've failed or displeased and i need to be forgiven once I've made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrongdoing and i may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse i am carrying. i may even need to be punished, if my wrongdoing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. i will depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.

I need to feel i contribute. i have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, also. i may need to give of myself to those i hold dear but You will always receive the best i have to offer.

I need to enjoy successes. Without experiencing and enjoying my successes i may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the pleasure of savouring the taste of victory when i overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts. All of my successes will belong to You and i need to share their rewards with You. i don't expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I've reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don't deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I've achieved a goal You've set.

I need to share with You. Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual &sexual aspects of my being as well as the physical body i inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings but those are the things i need to share the most. I'll depend on You to direct me in ways i can achieve total openness with You. i also need to share in the things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles. I'll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.

I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your ownership. No matter how well I've done or how miserably I've failed, i need to know I'm still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all i am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if i fall short of the target. i need to be loved and to love in return. i can't survive without it.

Humiliation

Following on from Mondays post about asking permissions, i guess humiliation, embarrassment etc isn’t my thing and i don’t think Master is really into seeing me like that (hopes) i may be wrong but i'm pretty sure I’ll find out soon, but He has never yet wanted/needed to humiliate me. If It pleased Him, If it feeds something inside of Him, to see me on my hands and knees begging them im sure we would have gone there a long time ago. If He had a need to reduce me to my basest instincts being humiliated would be one way, but i think we know each other well enough to know its not something we have ever had a need to explore.
What i am trying to say is that, if He chooses, or needs, for me to be worthless or to feel worthless - even if He merely wanted me to feel that way "just because", then i wish to be whatever He needs, to make Him find more and deeper pleasure in owning me.
This man knows me so well. He knows what i would find deeply humiliating. He knows what i would struggle with. He knows what i have said in the past that i can't do. He knows what i still can't do.
The bottom line, for me, is that no matter what He asks of me, if it is within me, I’ll give and keep on giving.
So, please Sir....use Your slave as deeply, as strongly, and in as humiliating ways as You wish to, need to, Master. Please allow Your slave the opportunity to serve You as You wish, as You need, and as You so rightly deserve.
)

Born Worrier

I thought or i was thinking, always a bad sign, i’ve found it often best if i do neither, just let it wash over me because when i think i more often than not, upset myself, i can make up the world’s worse scenario in my mind with almost nothing to work on, i can do that in a millisecond but it can take days for me to recover from the black hole i more often than not put myself in.
i have all these random thoughts about life, my life and i make huge mountain out of tiny mole hill. If i had my own personal Jiminy cricket, He’d be run off his feet.. Whispering in my ear to let it go. Instead i run with any drama literally to generate something…. Why i don’t know, why not be happy, heaven knows, i’m sure there is enough real drama if i want/need to worry. But yes i think that the crux of the matter, i am a born worrier. Always worrying about something, if i don’t have something to worry about, i create it.
I wish i didn't worry about everything. i think too much, work myself up and all the time because of the "what if's...and sick of it too! Ugh, i wish i didn't worry about everything.

Saying what i mean, meaning what i say

It seems that as humans, we often think others should be able to read our minds…. by asking, we are reducing the need for others to do that.
i see this blog as my message board, only trouble is He never answers, i know it’s silly of me but i find that there are some questions still that i cannot outright ask.E.G i find it extremely difficult to ask if i might pleasure myself, even to go without rather than ask. Things like that, i turn into a giggly little school girl, in my 50's. How stupid is that. And yet still, i have always had to ask to orgasm and never really had a problem with that, maybe being out of myself usually assisted me in that quest, Post it notes would solve my problem but i don’t think He’d approve and there’s no privacy here and I’ve never been great at direct asking, i always beat around the bush for days so that gets me nowhere fast, being way to ambiguous so my request goes unanswered as its likely it was never asked in the first place , hidden amongst a load of twaddle or waffle
Learning to be direct is something i need to work on, saying what i mean, meaning what i say, and maybe I’ll get it ...i certainly never will if i don’t ask.

inside my head

Is this noise inside my head bothering you?

Does it shout/scream too loudly? It never stops, it says, “Would Master or should i , so many questions that i have to answer and i don’t make decision, or i’d rather not and yet, inside my head is fill to bursting with questions, each one pushing for an answer. Every item has multiple priorities going on, competing agendas that come into play every time I’m forced to make a choice about doing, buying, creating or interacting. i think these determine, how good a job i do, where i shop etc

You’re inside my head, always, in every waking moment, , You determine , what i eat, , everything about my day, my life, my very existence. i cannot hide, not that i wish to, but if i did, it’s impossible. Still i really need some of those questions answer. Not the mundane, “what shall i cook for Your dinner” but bigger issues like “What do You expect from me”,” Where do we go from here on”
i still want more, i need to know if Your happy to leave things just the way they are.

We are not in the head space i always imagined we would be at this point in our lives, if Your happy with that great, but i need to know You are.
Question,answers lead to more question...............................

What Is to What Was

I can't help comparing What Is to What Was, and feeling the disappointment that accompanies memory. While i rarely find myself angry anymore, and have made great strides forward,i cannot deny embitterment,i still dream of what was and cope daily with what is, i do dream on some days of what might have been if only……..but i also recall the words that acceptance is the key to moving forward. Oh I accept my loss, my lot, doesn’t mean i cannot dream of what once was or might have been.
You never realize just how much stuff you've invited into your life until you don’t have it anymore.

Comfort Zone

I kind of get in this comfort zone where i guess im so comfortable with Him, i act as his equal not his slave. Which Im working on remembering, i’ve had this feeling so many times before, i even tell myself in my head, it’s ok because im in my wife mentality, i have to remember that the slave one overrides, out ranks the wife, but on the days when i feel wife is needed, it’s difficult to still have a slave mentality, because these are definitely two totally separate entities, then i have the mother mentality as well, im afraid under the onslaught of the duel personalities slave does get lost sometimes, I’d rather she didn’t but unless im pull up on the mouthy (as if) wife persona slave can get lost under the “im wife i am caring for my husband here”, but i do honestly believe if Master just tugs the slave collar ever so slightly the slave will rise to the surface. Really wish He would tug more often. But He’s unwell at present, which in itself brings wife to the front, i can’t help it. The less M/s we have the more wife is top of the pecking order and no amount of me telling myself off helps

Luv is !!!

For °°lϋvþąŷńě° my sister in heart and mind for some 10 years now

How could i have been so unthinking, unfeeling, to have as good as abandoned my dear friend to flounder without a loving hand to reach out to in her time of need. Talk about selfish, what a stupid woman i can be at times, wrapped in my own bubble, wallowing in some pity.. ive always said, i don’t do pity party. i wanted to be a part of something and i didn’t even see the cost involved until now, but now i do see, im putting it right, i just hope it’s not too late, hope my “luv”ing sister will forgive me
I am angry with myself that i didn’t care enough to really BE THERE for my sister.Stupid thing is i do care, i just couldnt see past a mist i had created, i feel i gave a bunch of lame excuses and was too far and away in my own little world to think beyond my own walls and i feel so very bad that i’ve hurt this very very special person because i was unthinking, uncaring, and left her to her fate.
Some friend i am. Just hope its not to late to put it right.

The warmth of a friend's presence brings joy to our hearts, sunlight to our souls, and pleasure to all of life.
Luv is truely very special to me.