servicing

if you own a prized possession, let’s say a car, which is a asset to you. You know you have to keep it working so that the other things you possess can continue to be maintained to the level that keeps You happy. How do you do this, simple, You service the car at regular intervals, it may cost You but it has to be done, new brake pads, new washers, but you know how ever much You really don’t want to have to exert time and energy on the car but You also know that in the long run, if You do the car will continue to serve You for a long time. Your slave is like Your car, needs servicing every so often. Sparks discplines. Petrol. well just a task or chore every now and then.

patience

i need my Master. i need to be loved and cared for every day. i need stability. i need structure, discipline and reward. A long time ago i sought it out not truly knowing it was the key to my happiness. But finally...when i'd experienced it i was so happy. To be loved like that...to be cared for and held and told i please him...it's all I've ever wanted.
Goodness, please help me to be patient and a good slave for Master. To be understanding of the stress he's going through. Give me strength to be his constant...his loving slave.

Marked

i bear your mark on me.It doesn’t hurt anymore, but i still feel it. A mark that is more than physical, worn on my back for the world to see.It did hurt, a delicious ache that kept you with me… on me… inside me 24/7, at sleep, at play… You probably forget it, but i can't if i wanted to. i wonder if you know what it feels like to have someone that close. i wonder if you can fathom how that mark penetrated my heart. i certainly didn’t realize it at the time. It happened slowly … Every time my eye distractedly wandered to that place on my back. And it makes me smile. And it makes me vulnerable.
I’m not sure i would change it if i could. i can only wish that the vulnerability is acknowledged, even cherished, and that I am protected.

Thrill seekers.

Have you ever been so busy that it made your head spin? That’s how busy this slave was today, all day long. she did not stop with the chat room and thrill site, no complaints tho, i enjoy the work i do for us. It may sound like slave is complaining but really she isn’t, busy is good for her and she really enjoys the work that she does. All in all, busy as it was,slave had a good day.

Dress

Remember wheni didn't use make-up and nail polish? That has changed of course. Naked finger nails are a no no. i also try to put on make-up, not to much but enough to make a difference, why because Master instructed (not asked) instructed me too. Nails polish is in my slave contract as is my hair. Style/colour of Master choosing. i dress most of the time to please Master and for practical reason, any special occasion Master will always have a say in what i’m wearing. We are aware of the finer points of clothing being practical for my abilities to go to the bathroom alone if we are out, as sometime there may not be facilities where i can get helped with zips, buttons etc. This does really exclude any chance of any kind of kink (discreetly hiding toys for example) being involved in addition to just being dressed. Ability to walk across the room comes first.
I almost feel guilty for deriving some kind of comfort and a sense of direction from the control aspect of this whole dynamic, i hate decisions and if Master wish to make then for me, even down to what i wear, eat, look like, who am i to argue. I’m totally happy to be directed.

Weekend Update

Master has been practicing His flogging, and of course, i am the lucky recipient. I cannot believe how good He is getting!. At XS we played in public to apparently an audience. Which at the time i was unaware of, Not that i’m complaining you understand, in fact it’s a very much Wow factor and may i please have some more Sir.

But for us, IN PUBLIC, is a huge step forward

How can one push their own limits? Isn’t that like trying to drown ones self? The body automatically kicks in and begins to save itself. It doesn’t matter what the mind wants or thinks….the body’s defences take over. That is what the body does. Doesn’t it? Master should be the one to decides how far to push His slave, and when she can’t take any more but for me on this occasion my knees / arm couldn’t stay in the position and I just had to move. I asked to stop and of course Master allowed that. We are also trying to build up 2/3 years of inactivity and pain thresholds. OH and here is something else I have been pondering….is making that choice topping from the bottom?

It’s was a great weekend…..OH YEA
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RESPECT, OBEDIENCE.

Anything to do with me, is "His"...good, bad, or indifferent. i don't have separate money from Him. What's mine is His and He has the password to all of my accounts so access is truly open. Other than the supermarket, any purchase over certain amount needs prior approval.im totally happy with that, i can honestly say, it has helped me show restraint knowing it was necessary to ask for permission.Master basically knows where i am at all times, i report in and out if i need to leave the house, having first discussed with Master my plans for that day.

When i list in my mind all the things we do i see that i have a great deal of control in my life already from Master but that these things have just become my behaviour. i do not experience them as unusual. But also when listed i see that while they are second nature to me, many require Master to follow up and make sure His expectations are being met.

i would say i have only two rules.RESPECT #1....followed closely by OBEDIENCE.

Thank YOU, Master, for owning me and allowing me the privilege of serving YOU in any way YOU might allow me to be of use to YOU.

rainbows and unicorns

In my head, i thought my ultimate submission would be like crossing over from the land of innocence and naivety, of rainbows and unicorns, into a world illuminated with a harsher light. In reality, there is no difference. The colour of the world, our relationship, my expectations, and my feelings towards Master were exactly the same. There are so many other ways in which Master has challenged me. There were times where i had felt completely helpless around him, At the point where i felt ready to submit totally, i merely saw it as a natural progression to an already established power dynamic that had started a long time ago.
A couple of years later, i still feel perfectly comfortable about everything that occurs between us in our day to day lives. That’s not to say, if circumstances were different that i wouldn’t like more of the same, but for that to apply i'd need to be totally healthy and able-bodied and childless, i might wish/dream for the first but id never for personal gain, wish my children away so life is as life is and i’m happy with what i have.

vinegar to wine

One of the best ways to deal with something as variable and subjective as D/s is to develop a solid understanding of the basic concepts and then build from there. This certainly is a good approach if you want to be let’s say an electrician. Although selecting the wrong slave might not have consequences as dramatic as selecting the wrong wire, sometimes it can be just as annoying. What i would like to do here is give a few basic slave characteristics that generally hold true for most slaves. Hopefully then not to much vinegar will need to be tasted:-

• Respect: An obvious one as it’s generally expected from slaves to show respect to their Masters & their authority over them. But also being able to express any needs, feelings, requests in a polite & courteous manner.


• Subservient: Of course, it is expected from slaves to obey & carry orders from their Masters but a good slave should obviously enjoy pleasing his Master & be grateful if given something in return.


• Confident: As much as slaves need to trust their Masters they also need to trust their own abilities as well. Being calm & able to maintain composure is particularly helpful when a slave is required to perform a task that he/she don’t like much.


• Attentive: Good slaves would pay full attention to what is being asked of them & be focused in order to perform tasks to the best of their capacity as well as to progress to better themselves.


• Open-minded: Showing a receptive mind to new ideas & an eagerness to learn.And, of course, from both Masters & slaves a good ability to communicate is always important.

i try Sir, i may not be perfect but damn i sure as hell try.

Loving

I think I've stated on many occasions that i'm not the perfect slave and that i realise i'm lacking in a lot of areas, but i really thought that i had most angle covered. As far as Master and i are concerned. Our kink is our kink is our kink, we don’t need to justify it, “Loving” has its place as well as kink . Just because i don't write about the grocery shopping, or the masses of kisses that we exchange, or the flowers he gives me, or the meals that he makes, or the gifts that he showers me with, or the cuddles, or the mountains of care and love he shows doesn't mean they don't exist. Far from it in fact. And personally, I don't think you can live with someone long term without all that stuff there in some form even if kink is what brought you together initially. Kink is fun but lovin' is what keeps you together and if not, you're doing it wrong!

Anger

Being submissive doesn’t mean you never get angry. It’s how you deal with your anger that matters. Having a fit or temper tantrum is extremely destructive behaviour to myself and to those around. The awareness of my, feminine, submissive urges, has been a break through for me! In as much that i can halt any anger issues with a short mantra. for example:-
He is Master and i am slave. He is Owner and i am owned. He commands and i obey. He is to be pleased and i am to please.
i can then move on from whatever might be niggling me with a strong knowledge that all is well in my world.

Partners

This is probably not a word everyone would use in connection with M/s, but it is completely vital.
i sometimes wonders whether *those* relationships exist, where the Dom makes all the decisions, what to have for dinner, what dress she should wear, what nail varnish, how she should have her hair…basically relationships where the Dom decides everything. Or as near as is humanely practical. That is not what i have with MG. Sure I have guidelines, things he expects (like his coffee/tea, for me to adhere to His dress code) but he does not decide every little detail of my life. (micromanage). Just the ones he wants to.
Being His slave is not exactly difficult in the sense of having to stick to pages and pages of rules or protocols. Keeping an open and active mind is valued much more than being able to follow blindly in the relationship i have with Him, and so is being a partner in things when he needs me to be. He always did say that he never wanted a doormat, and he will never have one.
Sometimes that partnership is equal, sometimes the balance tilts, but mostly its balanced just right.

i am not a submissive because

i am not a submissive because i am inferior. i am a submissive because it makes me feel safe and happiest to do so.

Being a submissive certainly doesn't mean that i can't hold my own, that i'm not independent, self-sufficient, or that i cannot care for me and mine which includes taking care of my Master as best as i am able given the current situation. i am intelligent-ish , maybe not as smart as Master but im competent.

Apperances

i often wonder if anyone tags me as a submissive on sight. To pass me on the street, you'd probably never guess. i look like any other woman. well. not quite i do like to, stand out,i have to be a conservative dresser in nilla circle but in lifestyle ones im not - when i'm out with Master at the club, we appear to be a D/s couple. In nilla Master is polite ,even respectful. He opens doors for me and carry the shopping bags. He is gently protective, putting his hand on me to guide me, oh and squeezes the back of my neck, yummy. Would anyone guess that i'm a slut in private, that i love to be used by Master.

Triggers

Open. does it for me every time. i don't know why. It is just one of those triggers that put me on the fast track to wow land. Warp speed if He adds, "bitch" to the ending. i don't even know if Master is aware of it. "Open, bitch!" Oh my god, it makes my knees weak. i think i will make a list of things as i think of them, as i have become more and more secure about my place in this relationship, i need less and less triggers, but some always push my button, the look obviously still works, to put me right back into my space, the hand on the back of my neck still sends shivers all over me and hair pulling oh wow, softly works on a “who am I “level. Hard works on the “Your mine bitch” level and a million levels inbetween depending on the ammount of preasure applied.Long may it continue.
Thank You Sir

level of submission

it's about commitment to him, not a certain level of submission.

i didn't promise to be his slave; i didn't promise to keep up a specific level of submission; i didn't give up this or that right. i am his slave; my collar doesn’t change that or make it any more permanent because i already am His.

It's the way I'm built, it's the way we function as a couple, and it’s what makes me happy.

There is no uncertainty there; it's just a fact, a part of us.
i promise my dedication to Master and our relationship. My promise to try my hardest to be the best i can for him regardless of the D/s intensity level at the moment - because that will change and evolve over time. The collar around my neck is a symbol of my commitment to Master and our relationship.

Owned

i love being your slave., what a honour and privilege it is, knowing that you chose me i love that you have seen the real me, deep inside and you take the gift i offer willingly and together we live laugh and grow!

Words whispered to my ear, words you only use for me. Your slave, Your slut, Your whore, I've have never in my life been allowed to feel like this.
I love you with all that i am...and all that i will be .........forever Yours

Kisses

If only i could stop my thoughts from wandering off to some of the darker caverns and crevices of my mind you would be taking in a reasonably (!)Coherent entry that would shed a little more light on our dynamics but my bottom needs attention, and im off focus on anything but my butt.
Each time Master hits me it feel like a kiss.
Oh I need kisses.
Instead, you get nothing. It's not that i don't want to write, i really, really do, i just can't think straight enough to come up with something comprehensible. All I'm able to think of are pain and playing--lots of of both please! Preferably so much that i cannot (and no longer want to) remember my own name.Combined with the obligations of daily life a lack of intense contact always makes me insanely needy and, well, horny.
I’m begging please Sir.

Buildng our life

There are so many reasons to be good. To be obedient. To not give Master a load of grief.

So it should be easy to be the perfect submissive right?

Well No.i am submissive, I’m not just ‘playing at it’ or doing it as part of a weekend kinky sex game. The problem is that I’m also headstrong,stubborn and likes to get my own way and yes, at times a BRAT. So sometimes there is a bit of an inner conflict of interest!

The problem is that most physical things Master might do to me, i enjoys. Ok, sometimes i’ll hate them at the time but regardless. So pain in itself is not necessarily a punishment. Because of this, Master and i rarely do ‘punishment’ in the physical sence. There isn’t any point adopting the idea that Master will hurt me if im bad, because, it’s no secret he’s the sadist and im a masochist. So pain, pleasure, it all mingles up together. So we continue to strive to be better at who we are and how we behave even towards each other., continuing to build together a structure, that work on a day by day level.

Thank you for being you Sir, letting me be me, and sharing my life

the power of choice

"Man experiences the essence of his masculinity in the act of romantic dominance; woman experiences the essence of her femininity in the act of romantic surrender."

-Ayn Rand

Yes, I submit to Master. But he is a specific man - i do not submit to all men because no other man has a right to dominate me. No other man has my permission to dominate me. And i know that sounds Dommish of me, but it's true. The only way a D/s relationship can work is if we want it. Master can't force me to submit, i can't force my submission upon him, because he can refuse to dominate.

So we both have the choice of D/s, and that's the crucial distinction For me, it is the one that i have selected as the one i wish to pursue.

And that's female empowerment - the power of choice.

headspace

i fight constantly to feel, to stay focussed on the physical self. Flogging/spanking helps me to do this. Once i am wrapped up in the play,i no longer worry about the surface tension in my head --i can start to see more of Who i Am, i can "listen to myself" and hear the echo coming back.THIS is where i go, when Master and i play. i need it at least occasionally and do best when i can have it every couple weeks or so.

The mental depth i crave cannot be attained until after I've at least begun to have a endorphine release. i can flit along the surface of altered states that fit into the category of headspace, but i have a hard time attaining the deep, silent state with which i look to the opening up of my "slave" headspace.

i do know that Master has a concern these days of me floating, i am not sure if i will ever be allowed to gain that depth again, having said that i enjoy the smallest beginnings of the journey. To reach the destination is ultimate but, i am happy currently to just take a little trip .

Being grateful

Whether one is completely in sub mode or whether one is not. - i am always his property, that doesn't change. What changes is the formal/less formal way i behave. More often than not, i follow his lead regarding the tone of the moment when i need to determine how to react. i can tell by the look on his face, the things he says (or doesn't say) whether or not i'm on the right track.

i'm conscious that i've not been getting a lot of opportunities lately to submit to very much of anything. Master is pre occupied, and feeling somewhat less than Dominant, i think. i realised that while for the most part He doesn't change his mindset to far from the middle line He tends to walk, i'm the one that follows along with the "adjustment", to create the balance, its not for my Master to re focus, that’s slaves job. In saying that i have no complaints, whatever he gives me - rewards, affection, tokens or restrictions, i take them gladly. Whatever his motivations i'm just the recipient of his choices, his mindset. Luckily for both of us, all of the things he gives me i'm grateful for. i don't change my behaviour towards what he gives me depending on what it is.

If he struggles with whether he's being firm enough or caring enough or honest enough, those are struggles i can't assist with, other than hearing them out if he chooses to share.

But i will always take what he gives me and be grateful for it. It’s just how it is.

You are my sun and my moon

We have moved into the sun, feel the warmth.

As so often in my life, i finds i can best understand what i has experienced when looking back. Sometimes the weight of the moment makes it impossible to accurately assess any situation.

First, i will acknowledge my most basic and true nature.

That of slave.Your slave.

For me life has been very much about service. i have always been a servant, served my children till it hurt, used to committ (often over-committ!) my time to community work. All of these bits of service gave me great joy at the time, i just didn't understand when to say "enough"! i recall Master telling me on several occasions to put myself before others; i have never known this in my life and find it difficult to experience now. Im trying to make sense of my longings and desires, to try to understand if what i feel so strongly are actual NEED or just WANTs. life tends to scare the living dayights out of me these days.

This may surprise you, but i do realise, although, i hate to admit this, but it's not just all about me.In fact its all about You Sir, You are my sun and my moon, my light, and my darkness, my world my very life.

i would like to promise to always love You as much as i do now,

i just can't bring myself to lie to You.

i know that by tonight, i will already love You more !!

how to know when a slave needs

how to know when a slave needs to get laid....

.. when she's on edge!

-- a woman who is UPTIGHT or tightly wound is NOT TIED TIGHT ENOUGH. She needs someone to THROW her down and screw the living daylights out of her and if you can manage a gag and some rope, then you're going to REALLY do wonders for ME! Today, i am one of those in need!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i guess i am feeling a little jaded of late. Everything i read is so full of all this beautiful prose that leaves me wondering if i am missing something. Glistening petals covered in gentle dew, opening for the sword. It's a cunt, a wet cunt at that, that so needs penetrated by a cock. i am not sure why it has to be something more.: HARD and ROUGH.GOD, i can't wait, Master!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am not just aching for but NEEDING a beating and a good seeing too!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Down here in that exquisite tortured state is where sub-space beams eternal ... i'll just walk around like a zombie afterward ... .. and nothing will bother me at all. i won't NEED to say my peace because peace will be me.i am horny, i am desperate, i am currently having too much to say, and i don't like myself when i'm this way. i basically become all the things i despise.OH!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i know what is going on! When i'm needing Master's attention and i get myself all worked up in that knickers-in-a-knot way (rather than the preferable slave-in-multiple-knots way). i get testy. i get fierce with saying, hey, what about me? Aren't you going to notice me? Suddenly i have something to prove and i REALLY detest that feeling.So no wonder! All those un-tight women you see around town ... have it made? They're laid all the time! They're happy! They're not on edge DYING for release. They're easy going, nothing bothers the ones in heat whereas EVERYTHING bothers the ones needing warmth.PLEASE -- before i bite someone's head off with heavy-handed opinions or spitefully plotted vindication. PLEASE! --. Please make me pretty again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Staying the course

Surrendering one's will to another, completely, daily and fully is a challenge which must be renewed with each day. Slave discovered how difficult it is to kneel continually, even when service is the core motivation.

Master understands the responsibility of His Ownership. He accepted that when He placed His collar on my neck. That responsibility, or duty, requires He first and foremost , BE THE MASTER. This means not letting His emotions allow Him to falter or moved from His course. Slave has seen how truly difficult it is for Master to stay the course and be true to the values He set out for His ownership of His human property, His slave. He has shown the strength of character, self confidence and self control that first drew my heart to Him in friendship, then love, then devotion, and finally surrender. He stayed the course by being true to Himself, which luckily for me, means protecting

Spring

Spring has finally sprung and life moves on. i find it remarkable, when viewed from the point of view of my life previous to being as Your slave, to experience the joy of following my most basic instincts with One who understands, accepts, and embraces my true slave nature.
i do not think anything of the routines i preform, . This is my life. It is remarkable how the inner peace and sense of well being floods over me when i acknowledge who and what i am. Anytime of year, im happiest in Your service, i dont ever wish it to be any different.

Life in Chains

“If loving You makes a slave of me, then I’ll spend my whole life in chains.”

~Sophie B Hawkins

not a perfect woman

i am not a perfect woman. i have flaws both physically and in all other areas. i have things to work through, i see some of those flaws more clearly when i'm alone. i do not want to be stagnant but constantly renewing the inner woman, refining her, perfecting the good and sanding down the bad. Embracing the girl and polishing the woman.There are days when i struggle with feeling less than worthy.
One thing i have come to love over the years is the feeling of certain materials against my skin. The brush of a skirt hemline against a bare leg, really nice stockings, a gorgeous bra, clothes that accent the positive and help erase the things i find negative about my body, hair products that make my hair soft and silky.
As a submissive woman, my heart's desire is to remain graceful and gentle, but for now, what i have before me, the inner woman, the slave, the submissive one can continue to enjoying the things mentioned before and carry on learning to be graceful in manners and disposition.
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wants and needs Again

i need to be Your submissive all the time. i need to submit to You in every way that You ask of me, whenever and wherever You ask it. i need to feel that i am of good use to You.

i want to be open and yielding and taken and owned. Completely and relentlessly. i want to give up myself to You, to give over control to You. To be Yours in every way i can be, and to find the peace and contentment and purpose that being owned by You brings. i want to not have to question or wonder, but simply obey and please You by doing so.

accountability

My thoughts are scattered today and i am not sure why. i am feeling pretty good today and i don't feel an ounce of stress and believe me my middle name is "stress". i was determined to have a good day and so far i have. i haven't let anything get me down and i feel really good today and it's been a very long time where i have felt good about me. Life is funny sometimes but as far as i am concerned life is good today ....it might have not been good yesterday and it might not be good tomorrow but i am focusing on today and today it's very good.
My underlying thought is i need accountability and discipline if needed i love Master very much He is the best thing that has ever happened to my life. But discipline was very therapeutic for me and i know that i really need a” firm" hand once in a while, what i need is to be held accountable for minor and major misdeeds. Even just a good talking too goes a long way to balancing me, puts some purpose back where its lost, Thank You Sir for the talk, i did listen and will certainly act on some of Your suggestions

mirror

i have been thinking about our relationship. Trying to evaluate how hard of a job MG has and how hard it really is to be a Dom. i never really thought about his job as being hard ....in my mind being the boss is the easy part ....it's being submissive that is the hard job.
But i did give it some fair thought and after thinking about it and evaluating it all i came to the conclusion that it could be a stressful job! i know that he always makes his decisions according to my best interest.
i love MG with all of my heart and soul and i would do anything for him and it breaks my heart to think that i have made his job harder than it has to be. Some days i look at myself in a mirror and i think ...oh god who would want to be with me? Or no wonder MG rarely wants to touch me in certain ways .......that is how i think most of the time. i know i got to get past a lot of this and i am trying but it's a hard road to travel. There are a lot of days that out of the blue i just want to cry and it's because i am so unhappy with myself and with the way i look ....and i think no wonder MG rarely think of wanting sex with me..... My thought process needs a lot of work though! i guess i am lucky that MG at least wants to spank me.I try to think about the positives but most of the time i fail it's very hard to be happy with yourself when half of you is never going to work right again. i have to do some reverse thinking so i can get past that and start loving and liking myself again. i am not happy with myself ...I hate "ME" and i don't know how to start loving myself. i don't understand how MG can love me because i take one good look at myself and i wonder why or what he sees in me to love! But i guess men deal with it differently than women do. It's all hard for me, i wish it were easier. Some days i do love myself but other days i end up hating myself and those are the days that i don't look forward too so every day that i love myself are the days i cherish.

Masters slave

In so many ways i am a lucky slave to have a Master who gives me as much latitude as he does i am free to express opinions (within reason ), He doesn’t outwardly control every aspect of my life. But yet every action has become one with him in mind. What i wear, even what i make for dinner each night, i think “Master would really enjoy having that tonight". i can’t wait until i can once again kneel every day. Feel that centred grounding place.

God I love that place.

The “yes, this is where I’ve longed to be all day” place.

Being able to serve has only made me stronger in who i am. Having a Master whose convictions so closely match my own has given me more strength to be the woman I’ve always longed to be. i know that i please him, and that makes me stronger in everything that i do as a slave, friend, sibling, mother. It also gives me the freedom to let go, surrender the control, put myself into His hands. There’s no greater feeling in the world for me than to know i’m serving, i’m pleasing, i’m loved, i’m used, i’m treasured.

i want nothing more than to serve, to make His life more enjoyable by doing all the little chores that need to be done, to give to Him all that i am, all that i can be and all that i will be. i want nothing more than to make Him happy, to surrender my very existence to Master

Brat

i think i have been a little annoying lately..bratty to say the least.
im full of comments on things that really are nothing to do with me. Sometimes i try too hard..i. do not mean to be annoying..if that is what i am,i’m sure i am if im honest, i bug Master to distraction sometimes, on the littlest of things, when i don’t get my way, i brat out, I know im doing it, know i shouldn’t but somewhere inside me i justify the questioning, the reasons for change when really that is not my place at all, i can say to myself that there is no reason as to why i shouldn’t question i know i have this tendency to over analyze and like to make sure i am still on the right page.its been said i create things to worry about when there are noneThere are times i feel so attached and embedded into Master that it overwhelms me with feelings of contentment and then there are others where i feel so far away and remote that i feel as if i am treading water in the distance.
For a submissive, i am a bit of a control freak when it comes to certain areas of my life. Not sure if that is a pro or a con in the submissive arena..but i am honest enough to admit it

submissive junkie

i am many things, the reason i am specifically here is because i am a slave to my core. Sometimes very quiet, other times i have much to say.

That feeling of ease that is with me always. Even during the course of a crazy day away from my Master, i am able to think "i am owned" and it brings me comfort.

If ever Master leave me alone on this astral plane I shall be so angry at Him for doing so.

I am convinced that its His responsibility to see that that does not happen by taking care of all the things He is set to care about aka, all the things He does have a certain amount of control over. His own health for starters. .

My desire and need to serve will never leave me, When i am stressed, upset, or anxious, i always leaned on my slavery heavily. When i am feeling out of sorts, i want nothing more than to have the outlet of service to make me feel better.

Sad thought really but its one that never leaves me, who will i serve when im 60/70/80, if Master leaves me, gawd that scare the hell out of me.i want to beg Him to look after Himself better, will He listen,

I doubt it cause Hes stubborn and like so many people think He is indestructable.

At 20 we all put the pension/ life insurance on hold , its miles away , why worry now, well let me tell you 20 to 50 goes by in a flash as does 50 to 80 I’ve no doubt, please Sir , if only for my peace of mind, “take care”

He won't though. Not now, not next week because He’s invincible.

Anyway...to sum it up rather simply...i am here... i am owned . And that is how i want it to continue for a long time.

Maybe that is not a huge surprise to anyone. The choice of where i need to be is right by my Master side.M/s has been compared to a drug.. that makes me a pain junkie, a submissive junkie, a i need my Master junkie...the list can go on and on.

It is true i am.

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

The most delicious part of D/s is when my brain shuts up and i can enjoy the pleasure of knowing i am His to use as He wishes. With or without my own pleasure. i am safe in the knowledge that Master owns me. In deepest submission i surrender my everything to Him.i feel when He forcefully takes control of His slave i can slip back into the warmth of my slavery. Where i am at peace.Am i grateful to have a Master who allows me to question and make my requests? Does my questioning and needy demands change the outcome No. i have no part of my life that is separate or private from Him. It is His wish to share some of my thoughts, He of course may do.Giving up control allowed this slave new freedom and self-control that may have always been within but was never allowed to shine outward.
i need to stay focused on what is important in my life now...us as ONE, growing together.
i am YOURS, yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow
Yesterday is a memory
Whether it was good or bad
No matter right or wrong
The days of yesterday are now gone
We can't undue the mistakes we have made
We can only live, learn, and pray today.

Today is the only day we can be sure of
We must live it to its fullest
Live, love, and grow
Give your heart away and let it show
Don't worry about tomorrow and what it may bring
Only think about today and live it well

Because

Tomorrow is another chance, another day
A day to do what is right
A day to correct the wrongs of yesterday
A day to make someones day bright
A day to spread kindness
But most of all it is another day to love
So take yesterday
and Make today
A better day tomorrow

Poem written by Cindy Bader June 10, 2001. Copyright © 2001

Belonging

It's been noted that I've posted a lot about personal thoughts, my feeling towards Master rather than about our M/s as such so entries into my journal are not really about our lifestyle as much as they should be. Now, I'm gonna stop being so damn lazy and get this journal back on track.

Every once in awhile, something just really hits hard about belonging to someone else. Often it is the craziest things that have nothing to do with the exhibited concept of submission.

During everyday normal daily existence i get smacked with who i am by just little things that occur out of the blue every once in a while. Such as I’ll see something I’d like to buy either for me or one of the girls or even for Master i struggled with if He would be okay with me buying it. i figured since the total purchase would be under £10 he wouldn't mind(i'm assuming here of course and making my own reasons for doing what i want to do). But i really struggled back and forth with it because i am owned and everything i do i need to ask permission so it just throws my brain into a tizzy, it would probably take 10 to 15 minutes of me talking to myself back and forth, "should i, shouldn't i, knowing all along i shouldn't, but convincing myself if it would be okay and that just really brings home to me who i am. Then if i have gone and bought something without asking i have this huge guilt trip because i know deep down i should have asked (Master doesnt often deny me anything, im one very spoilt slave). No –one punishes a slave more than she does, herself.
Other times it comes when i stop myself from making a decision regarding our home, it suddenly occurs to me that i can't make that decision, thats Master place not mine. i have to wait for Him to say yes or no.
Then there are moments that happen that i feel like this is who i have been forever and the movement come and passes naturally without a second thought.i am my Masters slave.

I am nuts about this Man

i am nuts about this Man. i love everything about Him. He is so GOOD to me. He knows when to hold me and when to use me.As I sit and reflect, i have no idea what i ever did to deserve Him. This Man who senses my feelings and my mental state and reflects them, this Man who adores my spirit and my quirks and my body. When He calls me slave, my insides melt and i long to just curl up into Him. When He looks closely at me, i hope He sees something that makes Him proud. Yes, i have been a pleaser my whole life... with Master it is something so different- it's in me.
i trust Him with every part of me, including the ugliness. i don’t know why, but it has been this way from day one of our relationship. i have shared things with Him that no one knows. i have told Him things that i told no other person ever.
Today I’m reminded that HE CHOSE ME, i was told, no discussion. Despite the mess, despite the pain, despite the past; HE CHOSE ME. i just hope i never let him down. i hope and pray i never give Him cause to rethink his choice.
There is something in His nature that i inherently trust and desire to draw close to. He makes me want to be better in all areas of myself, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically...Master understands it all.
Crazy as that sounds.... this is where my heart is... inside His heart. Master makes me feel safe, and wanted and beautiful

challenges, limitations

We all have limitations. Some of us stagnate, feeling unable to overcome the hurdles life has placed in front of us. Some of us thrive as a result of a challenging environment, our struggles refine our characters and make us even greater people.
slave has learned over time the best way to face those challenges is with faith and focus on our reality. With faith in Master's love and direction, i am ever closer to my goal of beating the obstacles that my lifes path has in store for me. Huge challenges become merely hurdles on the journey of my life. Master remains calm and strong and His attitude and direction allows me the freedom to meet the obstacle with resolve and commitment, knowing i am a reflection of Him and subject to His will. i will carry His love and support with me as i face situations which will challenge my strength and courage. i have found new courage and freedom from old enemies by no longer allowing them to control me or my actions. This slave knows who and what controls her and to whom she answers. She wears His collar and His permanent mark with immense pride. Thank You Sir

Pain in the arse !!

i have to let Him know that he's loved and worshipped more than any other man on this earth. Because not only is he the perfect, the best, of all Masters, but he's also just an incredible man. It’s terribly difficult to ever stay angry with a man who sacrifices so much, to deal with a headstrong slut who should know better, but You puts up me.

i honestly have no idea what i could have done to deserve love like this, to have someone so thoroughly who could really do so much better, with someone he wouldn't have to spend the rest of his life looking after. If i were any less selfish, i would give You up. But i feel just fine about being incredibly selfish the rest of my life. i only hope You finds me worth it, in the end.

• i realised that maybe i emphasise your good points just a little.
• i may get slightly sulky once in a while.
• i know, occasionally i need a reminder of who You are and who i am.
  

Even though this was suppose to be(with all due respect of course) my complaining-about-what-a-pain-in-the-arse-You-can-be-sometimes, it really can't be, because, in the greater scheme of things Your so incredible and good to me all the time and sometimes it surprises me all over again just how madly and desperately in love i am, and how in spite of all the crap I'm happier than I've ever been, with a prospect of. Well who knows what’s around the next corner, I'm not lying: Master really is perfect.
Thank You Sir, for just being You

Reflection

i was about to write something artistic and airy here, something that tried to convey the deep satisfaction i feel in as few words as possible. Something like: Sometimes all i want is His hand in my hair with the other across the small of my back, both pulling me closer to Him. Sometimes all i want is to be made feel breathless, helpless, completely under His protection, under His guidance and control. Those are the times i allow myself to rest and think of nothing but Him. i need those times. i don't really feel like saying an awful lot today. So now i think i will just sit.

what do i do all day

People get trapped by the words Master/slave, or total power exchange. This never ceases to amaze me, though i suppose i should be used to it by now. Some seem to think that being a slave their duties are clearly spelled out (micro-managed) by the dominant and they end there. This is not true. Part of being a successful slave is having the desire to please Master. This means in both the ways He orders you to and in ways that you simply notice He enjoys and then doing those things for Him even though He did not ask you to. Master like this initiative taking in His slave i think. It shows that slave truly is interested in pleasing Him before herself.
Mostly my day is like most other people who are stay at home mums with teenage daughters. Lots of time is taken up with housework, straightening out, prepaing meals and all that stuff. So all of that is included.For me however, the mental knowledge . No certainty, is that everything i do is to please Master often make a difficult day a little easier. i try to remember that i am supposed to be pleasing Him.To watch me go about my daily routine you would have no idea that i was owned. The power exchange is subtle and quiet. It can get loud if the situation warrants it, but most of the time it is simply this very quiet knowledge within myself that i belong to Master and that everything i do either must please him or have a really good excuse for not pleasing him.i do the same things everyone else does in real life. i shop, cook, clean, and do what my Master tells me to do. If i fail, i expect punishment. That's about it for what i do all day

a submissive thought

A submissive thought for the day, so that one can focus on a different aspect of submission daily and maybe attempt to behave in that manner so that your life might be more submissive in nature. i personally use mantras , ie a little rhyme that i can recite to myself to focus me, if i might need that for example

• "I live to obey master. I live to serve master. I live to pleasure master. I am lost without master "
• "He is Master and I am slave. He is Owner and I am owned. He commands and I obey.
• "He is to be pleased and I am to please. And why is this? Because he is Master and I am slave."

my submissive thought for the day :

I am not responsible for other people’s issues

Master

For me, M/s is entwined with trust and comfort and safety and love. Of course, passion plays an important part in its due time, but it a necessary ingredient for me to love.Another part of love and our M/s for me is gratefulness. Sort, the universe, fate, however else you may call it, saying thanks for letting me experience this.There are many people in my life who have and still continue to cause these feelings in me. My Masters, some family members,.But I'd like to single out my Master for this post. He is one of the reasons that my self is more or less intact.He is kind and caring and stubborn as a goat. He is wise and funny and will unfailingly make the right decision. He exasperates me, comforts me, annoys me and challenges me. He has seen me through my best times and my absolute worst times. And through it all, He has not stopped being my rock.Now my Master. being Your slave enhances all areas of my life, those we work on together and simple day in and day out activities i do on my own are coloured with a mindfulness that centers me and brings my thoughts to You. Accepting and honouring my submission in whole is honouring who i am at heart and therefore allows me to fully surrender myself to Your care. i can’t offer You my body without my soul. The rightness lies in being entirely in Your care and i am…all of me.

Reward & punishment

i have been thinking about how i need more structured rules in my life, with both punishment and rewards as part of the system. And as i was thinking about this, i had to wonder: am i really, seriously asking to be punished for things? Do i want to be punished for things i'm nearly certain to do (or, more to the point, do i want to be punished for not doing things i'm nearly certain not to do)?And the answer is, "No, of course i don't WANT to be punished for these things."Which leads to the next question: Why do i ask to be spanked.Aafter all, it hurt, hurts like hell? Yet i ask, again and again knowing that the moment i bend to Your hand, I’m in pain.i really don't like being punished i don't enjoy it. It’s not fun, i don't know how it is that it's different from spanking for fun, but it definitely is. i love to be spanked for fun, no matter how hard or long, even though i know its goning to hurt like hell. Punishment spankings are different. They can be very short, and not even necessarily very hard, but they tend to encourage me to change my behaviour.i think a major aspect of all this spanking is that You are paying attention to me, and that You care about what i do, and how i treat myself. So when there's an element of trying to communicate through negative behaviour (and i hate to admit this, but i know that i have done this), some kind of response is required.On the flip side, when i do something wrong unintentionally, i often have a very difficult time stopping beating myself up about it (in the figurative sense). And in these cases, the self-punishment is utterly out of proportion to the mistake that i made. A spanking will often helps me to let go of the need to be angry at myself, and helps me to move on, (PLEASE NOTE).In both cases, although i absolutely dread getting the punishments, they leave me feeling safer and more secure, better balanced, and more whole.But this is something that i can't quite understand at the moment when there's about to be a punishment. Although i can say, calmly and rationally, separate from the actual situation, that i know it's good for me... in the moment, I'd do anything i could to avoid it. I'd argue. If i were a better liar, i might lie. i resist. This is a complex situation. Given a choice, i would far rather not be punishing me at all. And it's very confusing, that i ask for something, and then fight it with all my might when it comes to the point of doing it.Some of the resistance is testing to see whether Master really cares enough to follow through with the consequences. And some of it is simply that, while i might know that the consequences are good for me, there's nothing that says i actually want to deal with them. i may not want the punishment, but i definitely want its results.

Pleasure from giving

i am not weak, i am not helpless,. i am not alone. i am part of a couple, of a family. Master is a part of me and i am a part of Him. i am allowed to see the depth and the strength of the man who owns me. i have always known Master is focused and has a plan for O/our path. Even as i attempt to offer my service and make sure His basic needs are being met, my submission is Master's. He can choose to refine it and develop that aspect of my personality or not. As slave, the decision is not mine to make.. When Master wants submission, He commands it. i embrace my slavery and the control, order, discipline, and safety which come from service to Master, yet i always envy those slaves that get a beating just whenever. Yes, sometimes my Master frustrates me beyond belief. Sometimes i could just shake Him until He listens to me. But He is my Husband, my lover, my love, my heart, my darling Master whom i just utterly and totally adore, even when He isn't doing what i want Him to do. slave does not ever want to show disrespect or disobedience but slave longs to be USED... often and with very little regard to her personal pleasure. i am usually a masochist. Delicate little strokes and pink Velcro handcuffs do not send me where i want to be. When i think He is doing something just because of His responsibility i experience it almost like a "mercy fuck. But still i beg, for more and for Master's Use, this slave is drifting in a powerless state, serving Master and waiting for spring. For me, there are times when service is it's Own reward and since that delight is so self pleasing, i feel as tho i am still serving while gaining pleasure for myself. It pleases me to please Master.My Master's pleasure becomes my own. if Master would just take His pleasure, slaves appetite would be sated also, as in service, pleasure is gained. It is possible to take pleasure from giving; i do it all the time.

Good Girl

A connection was formed something close to five years ago and remains active. When i realised i loved You, once that had occurred and i realised i was "in love “with You, my path was set. Any way, things are what they are. We keep doing what we’re doing and end up where we end up. To submit, after some thought and some hunting around on-line for a definition, the original Latin meaning of submit which comes from the word submittere "to yield, lower, let down, put under, reduce," “Now, it may just be me, but i don't see anything in there about 'happily, with a big joyous smile on one's face' or ’with great enthusiasm'. There's nothing in that definition that says you have to like or enjoy it. Yes, there is an inference of willingness in that the person has to yield (give in, so to speak) or lower themselves, but it says nothing about there being blissful flights of angels to accompany it. Because, sometimes 'obeying' is just a big pain in the ass. That brings us to the big question "What do i get out of my submission?” i don't know is the honest answer. i have a burning need to serve and please, of course i prefer Master to be happy than angry or sad, serving and pleasing are so much driving needs in me.. i need to be serving Him in order to feel complete. i think i get varying degrees of satisfaction more than anything else when I've managed to do what is required of me. Achieving something that was previously impossible give me a sense inside that I've 'done well'. It's the acknowledgement that i enjoy more than the serving and pleasing per se.The "good Girl" pat on the head. There are times when i've been beaten and taken quite a solid beating and it's never quite made me feel so 'acknowledged' as your slave, as when i've struggled through a light beating. i guess for me i get a stronger sense of satisfaction when it's not so easy, when i struggle for Your pleasure - when i'm doing things that i don't want to do. We’ve often said submission isn’t always about the nicer side.i guess i need the struggle.

Tripped

We’ve had a lot of high points in the past five years.. and we’ve had our lows too. Not because of us, but because of life being thrown at us time and time again. i can’t count the times that Master has not only kept my head above water, but has yanked me out of the depths. And for that i can not thank Him enough. i could say “Thank You” five times a day, every day, for the rest of my life and it wouldn’t be enough. And i know i’ve done the same for Him, and i know He appreciates it.Speaking of saying thank You. Thank You Master for Your love. Without You i shudder to think of where i would be in my life right now… let alone who i would be. i didn’t like myself very much at all when i first met You. And now? i am a much better person. i know there have been times where i have said i don’t think we would work out very well at all if all of a sudden we dropped the M/s lifestyle. But i don’t believe that anymore, If it wouldn’t have worked… we never would have gotten past the one year together. Yes, we had started kink in the bedroom and some things outside of it.. but it was nothing like what it is today. Even if You were to stop being my Master, for whatever reason, You would still be my Husband, my lover, my friend, my mate. Nothing can change that. I love You.You are the one who loves me even with knowing all of my secrets, from the smallest ones to the ones And even though there may be times where i wonder how that is possible… You loving me … i am grateful for it. i am grateful that i have someone who truly knows me, even the darker me that i don’t let out all that often. And You don’t love me besides those things but because of them. Our love has deepened every time another layer has peeled away, every time we had to pick each other up, every time that we reached and surpassed a new height.Neither You nor i are the same people we were when we first met. And regardless that we have grown on our own…. we have grown together and just compliment each other even more as we change.I love it when suddenly one of us will take a breath, and the other will pick up the conversation right where it was left off… and it turns into some sort of tag team conversation that not only makes sense, but is exactly what one of us would have said had the other not picked up the thread.So here we are, my Husband. my Master. And there has been great joy in our past, and great pain, but i wouldn’t change a thing. If i did, one of the dominoes wouldn’t have been knocked down and we wouldn’t be where we are today. And i would never want that. Long may it continue Sir

Journey

My journey into submission has been an adventure. An adventure that i didn't know could happen to me . i had for many years longed for some kind of relationship, that went past the normal nilla one. A relationship that is open and honest, communicative and loving. Then i met Sir, now i want nothing more then to please Him and love Him. Make Him proud of me. i have since those first early days been brought deeper into my submission by being His slave and learning that my need to serve is a natural part of who i have always been, to now, and who i have become, just how much i love Him, makes my days, and my service all the more worthwhile. Nothing will ever alter that love, only make it stronger, by building on our journey so far.

reality

The gist of it is that our M/s is very real to us, & is not (to simplify it considerably) "sexual".

In our sexual play, on the other hand, we incorporate BDSM but for its erotic qualities rather than its sexaul ones.

Life is good. i am extremely happy and content in my role as slave to my Master, albeit , id like to serve more, but as things currently are , i do what Master needs me to do i believe, as is often stated Master decides, not slave and Master is content with slaves input, that is good enough for me.

Silver surfer

So i read (lots of ideas spring from reading), and i think, and i often imagine doing things that are, i would realise if i thought things through, not particularly good ideas. Good idea or not, there is absolutely no harm in thinking things. Thoughts that stay inside our heads are private. No one can blame you, tease you, humiliate or punish you, for a thought that is and remains unvoiced and un-acted upon.
My problem lies in the fact that the filter between my mind and my mouth is a flimsy thing. Add sex, spanking, etc and not only do i say exactly what i'm thinking, i start to think things that would make a common prostitute blush. It's not a pretty, feminine thing, but Master likes the whore sometimes so, i don't think i need to change that bit of me. Some of my ideas are so way off, i know, totally impractical for us, but i still have them and still relate then to Master, He of course will pick and choose all or any or none as He sees fit, which is how it should be, but without slave's input, maybe no idea would be forthcoming... stagnation.
Fresh idea never harmed anyone, other than maybe slaves butt from time to time,
Maybe i should suggest a gag and let that be my last bad idea.
Your slave

That's what sluts like you are for

When Master administered a spanking, it hurts a lot. It hurt so much that i wriggle on his lap, hoping to shift my position just enough that the blows would fall on unbruised flesh. It's not strictly about the pain. i'm not a true masochist. Pain alone would never satisfy me. we proved that a long time ago. What i enjoy is the submission, His dominance, being vulnerable to Him. He enjoys the power, the sense of control, What it really come down to is being there for Him and His pleasure regardless. In the end it doesn't matter, as long as His wants and needs are satisfied. That is the whole point, nothing else really matters. When asked if it hurt and when i say it does i am merely told "Good. That's what sluts like you are for." touche